How to help a shy child in school

Supporting Shy Students: 10 Ways Elementary Teachers Can Help

As a teacher, working with shy students can sometimes present a challenge. You want to support every child in the classroom, but you know you have to walk a fine line when attempting to draw them out and encouraging class participation. One shy student’s gentle encouragement to come out of the shell may end up being another shy student’s worst nightmare!

So how do you support shy students in a manner that builds their confidence and helps them join the classroom fun? We talked to the experts to get some tips to help you help the shy students in your classroom!

Expand students’ emotional language with a printable poster for your classroom!

Why Are Some Students Shy?

When it comes to dealing with shy students, understanding the root of the issue is a good way to start. Scientists who’ve studied shyness estimate that as much as 30 percent of those who we’d describe as shy are the way they are for one simple reason: genetics! Other students may show signs of shyness because they’re in a new and unfamiliar environment — often common in younger children who are new to school or students who are new to the district.

Finding out why a student is shy comes down to doing a little digging into their history says Dr. Nikki Lacherza-Drew, PsyD, a licensed psychologist from Allendale, NJ.

“Talk to past teachers and parents!” she advises. “Shyness typically doesn’t just come out of nowhere, and most parents and teachers will take notice in preschool or kindergarten.”

Occasionally there is a more serious cause for concern, and if something feels off about your student’s shyness, it’s best to reach out to your student’s parents and your school guidance department as soon as possible.

Post these Calming Strategies prominently to help students handle anxiety and other feelings that can become overwhelming. 

“It is important to have the student appropriately observed and even tested to rule out the possibility of a learning disorder or other neurodevelopmental disorder,” Lacherza-Drew says. “Be proactive instead of reactive and try to get to know the students — not just have them as a number in the classroom. ”

Don’t feel that your student’s shyness rises to that level of concern? We asked the experts to share some other helpful tips for teachers to support shy students.

Download a free worry waterfall to help students move through troubling thoughts. 

Encourage and Support Shy Students in Your Class

Remember They’re Not Doing This on Purpose

Shy students may come off as insubordinate, Lacherza-Drew warns, and treating a shy child as you might one who is being naughty can only exacerbate the symptoms.

“Too much anxiety doesn’t allow our brains to appropriately process or recall information,” she notes.

In fact, shy students who are afraid to ask questions can easily fall behind, and if they’re frequently anxious about having to participate in class, they may start engaging in school refusal, Lacherza-Drew says. This goes back to getting at the root cause of the behavior and meeting students where they are at.

Start with Non-Verbal Communication

Plenty of elementary students love to talk. How many times have you had to say “save it for after class”? But for shy students who don’t tend to speak up, you’ll want to start with non-verbal ways that they can communicate with you so that you can begin to build that all-important teacher-student relationship.

• Allow students to put a sticky note or another silent indicator on their desk to let you know when they need help.
• Encourage the entire class to take part in non-verbal responses to questions such as holding up cards with answers or doing something else with their body (e.g. any student who thinks the answer is A should put their head down)

Let Them Move at Their Own Pace

“Adults have good intentions, but oftentimes they have their own set of expectations from how they were raised or how they parent,” says Audrey Grunst, licensed clinical social worker and CEO of Simply Bee Counseling. “It is not fair to place those personal expectations on a student.” Instead, she suggests taking cues from your student and following their lead as to how quickly they can move along the path in developing social skills.

Use Positive Reinforcement

“Punishment is not effective in changing behavior,” Lacherza-Drew reminds teachers. On the other hand, positive reinforcement can go a long way in helping shy kids slowly modify their behavior.

“At the beginning, the smallest change in behavior for a shy student, such as using that sticky note or going up to the teacher to ask a question … REWARD IT!” Lacherza-Drew advises. “Show the student that you are noticing what they are doing, you appreciate the effort and want them to continue the behavior.”

Rewards can be as simple as a few stickers or a special badge.

Choose from dozens of positive reinforcement resources for elementary school. 

Learn Their Triggers

Are there specific things that cause your shy students to retreat and become more introverted? You can talk to the student, their parents, the guidance department, or past teachers to find out what their triggers are, Lacherza-Drew says. Next? Talk to the student and work together to problem-solve.

“You might be surprised by what they come up with!” she says.

Avoid Labeling Them

“Comments like ‘why are you so shy’ or ‘don’t be shy’ are not helpful,” Lacherza-Drew warns. “The student has most likely heard them from others and this may only further embarrass them.”

Create Safe Spaces With Friends

Does your shy student have a pal they’re comfortable with? Assigning the two children to work together or setting their assigned seats next to one another can help your shy student feel more comfortable.

Give Them a Job

When handing out jobs in the classroom, opt to make assignments instead of (or in addition to!) letting children volunteer. This way a shy student gets a job too, and you can pick something that is in their wheelhouse.

“Are they responsible? See if they will run teacher errands outside of the class,” Lacherza-Drew says. “This pulls on their strength but also encourages socialization. ”

Explore teachers’ favorite classroom jobs resources.

Don’t Force It

If they can’t stand up in front of the class or read aloud, don’t make them. Just as all kids learn differently, all kids interact differently!

Be Mindful of How Their Shyness Affects Their Learning

In general, shyness itself will not affect a student’s learning, Grunst says, but “if a student’s shyness is causing them to be worried or preoccupied for the majority of the day, or if it is causing school-refusal related issues, then it is a sign that a student’s shyness is impeding on their education.”

What are your best tips for helping shy students in your classroom?

Need social and emotional learning resources? See teacher-created resources for morning meeting, community circle, and more!

Banner image via shutterstock/Thanumporn Thongkongkaew

Shy kid? Here's how to help them succeed in school.

Shy kids may not experience school in the same way as their more outspoken peers. But just because your child is shy doesn't mean that they can't fully participate in school. Use these strategies to help your shy child find personalized ways to share their thoughts and gain confidence.

Some children find school a thrilling experience: They wave their hands in the air to answer questions, belt out songs during group sings, and are the first to sit down for snack.

Other children are less thrilled. Shy or more reserved kids can find school overwhelming. They may hesitate to speak out in class, hold back from the group, or prefer to keep to themselves, playing quietly in a corner.

How to help a shy child participate in school

Realize that shyness isn't a fixed trait. Just because your child is shy right now, this doesn't mean they'll always be that way or that they'll be shy in every situation. There's also nothing inherently bad about being shy, so don't feel like you have to change your child's behavior. Instead, find ways to help them be successful in school, even when they're feeling shy.

Talk to the teacher. Stay in touch with teachers and school staff. Parent-teacher communication is an important tool for helping shy kids in school.

Start by comparing notes on how your child acts at school and at home. What activities do they love at home that aren't part of the classroom? What does your child dislike that they're expected to do at school? Gather information with your child's teachers, and look for ways to help make the classroom an engaging and comfortable place. Meet with the teacher and work out a plan.

Bring their interests to school. For example, if your child is fascinated by bugs, ask their teacher if they can bring their collection in to share with the class. Your child may balk at making a formal presentation, but there could be an opportunity for them to talk or answer questions. The teacher could hold a bug discussion using your child's materials as the visual aids, or create a bug station based on your child's supplies.

Even if your child doesn't speak up right away, just having their favorite things in class can help melt their shyness. They can participate and feel a sense of belonging, which is a start. Even sharing a book or toy your child loves can help.

Visit their school. Having you visit their classroom can help your shy child feel more comfortable at school. Your schedule may not allow regular or lengthy classroom visits, but even touching base now and then gives you a chance to observe. You might be able to come in to read a book, help at lunch, or chaperone a field trip.

Make sure they're challenged. If your child is reluctant to participate in classroom activities, it may be because they're too easy. If you suspect this is an issue, work with the teacher on ways to give your child more challenge. Alternatively, your child may be holding back because the activities in class are too challenging. Talk to your child's teacher to find ways to appropriately challenge your child. Depending on their age, consider involving your child in these discussions as well.

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Help them at home. Sometimes kids act shy at school because they're anxious about not getting things right. Some children have an easier time grasping new skills in a quiet place, without the stimulation and pressures of the classroom. If your child is awkward painting with a brush, giving a presentation, or writing a story, practice together at home. Give your child chances to improve, but try not to add pressure. The idea is to build your child's confidence.

Focus on their accomplishments. Don't just pay attention to the stumbling blocks. Celebrate your child's wins in and out of the classroom. Playing a sport, learning an instrument, participating in community service projects, and even being a good helper around the house can help build your child's confidence at school.

Be their "student." You can help your young child role-play "school" at home as a nonthreatening way to practice being in the classroom. Set up a classroom with stuffed animals, and let your child act it out. You can help organize the game and participate as one of the "students," but let your child steer the flow of the classroom. You may discover school fears, such as mean kids or a grumpy teacher. If, as their "student," you can play lightly at being scared of the kids or the teacher, your child may find this very funny. Their laughter may help release some of their scared feelings so they can be more confident. Talk about what's going on, ask your child questions, and use the information for talks with their teacher.

For older kids, ask them to teach you or a younger sibling something they've learned at school. Pay attention to how they're communicating as they teach. Start a discussion about how teaching and learning happens in their classroom and what feels good and not-so-good about it. If any issues come up, strategize with your child about how to improve them.

How can I encourage my shy child to speak up?

Just because your child is shy doesn't mean they can't fully participate in school. Instead of asking your child to be more outspoken, encourage them to share their brilliance in a way that feels good to them. Discuss how important it is for people to learn from each other and how they have a unique perspective to bring to school. Discuss different ways to participate in class: talking with a partner, using writing or drawing, discussing with a small group, or sharing with the whole class.  

Your child doesn't need to be a gung-ho, first-in-line student to learn. But easing their fears even a little can make school a more enjoyable experience, which promotes learning and is a worthy goal. By following the tips above, you can help your child feel more confident at school.

You want your child to be enthusiastic about school – but try not to worry too much, especially if your child's still in preschool. During the preschool years, kids are just beginning to learn how to interact with peers and participate in group activities. Many preschool-age children still feel most comfortable doing parallel play alongside other kids, observing and imitating rather than playing directly with friends.

In kindergarten most children play interactively, but they're still adjusting to the social environment of school. In both preschool and kindergarten, children are testing new ground and learning new rules of behavior. It's a process that can take time.

As shy kids get older, they may find it more comfortable to play with one friend or a small group of peers. Encourage your child to reflect on the social situations in which they feel more or less comfortable. Discussing and normalizing feeling shy can go a long way.

Just as personalities differ, kids vary tremendously in how they relate to school. Some children take longer than others to adjust to a daily classroom routine or to a new school, teacher, or class. Some are shy at first but eventually open up. Others stay shy – and there's nothing wrong with that. Normal shyness isn't a problem that needs fixing.

How can I tell if my shy kid needs help?

Most shyness or quietness isn't a serious problem, but in some cases shyness can be debilitating, causing kids to withdraw and avoid social situations. In these cases, problems with socializing can continue into adulthood. Shyness can also be a sign of an anxiety disorder in kids.

A few red flags may indicate that your child needs professional attention. Talk to your child's pediatrician or the school psychologist if your child:

• cries or throws tantrums on a regular basis before or at school
• is significantly withdrawn most of the time, making little eye contact
• acts violently in school, hitting other kids or teachers

Also, if your child's shyness interferes with daily life and friendships, ask your child's doctor for a referral to a therapist.

Helping a schoolchild to cope with shyness

Together with Daria Kuznetsova, conflict psychologist at the Home School "InternetUrok", we find out how to help a schoolchild to cope with shyness. How to act correctly so as not to spoil the relationship, but to help.

Daria Kuznetsova

Practicing psychologist-conflictologist. She has 12 years of experience working with children with various psychophysiological developmental characteristics.

Excessive childhood shyness worries parents and is one of the most common reasons for seeking a psychologist. According to statistics, among adolescents from 12 to 14 years old, about 50% of boys and more than 60% of girls suffer from it.

Statistical data published in the framework of the scientific work "The sociometric status of a teenager in a peer group and its relationship with shyness."

Well, if the problems are limited to a temporary inability to talk to a boy you like or invite a pretty girl to the cinema. Worse, if it creates problems when communicating in society, getting a quality education and, as a result, determining one's life path.

Corr.: How is child's shyness formed? Is it an innate quality or acquired?

Daria : In the root structure of shyness lies a person's inability to cope with realities. It arises: “I don’t take, I don’t go and I don’t do ... because I’m afraid of defeat.” This is a beautiful wording for masking fear. Explanations: “I'm not afraid, but I'm embarrassed”, “I just don't like being negatively evaluated” - hide the fear of evaluation from others. The result of the position “I want to do it, but I don’t do it” is frustration, depression, and a bad mood. Because such a child does not stop wanting to do an act.

Shyness is formed by three factors:

1. Temperament . This quality is innate and genetically determined. At the same time, completely different children grow up in the same parents in the same conditions. One will put up with what he does not like, the other will rebel. Punchy parents may well have a shy child and vice versa. It is impossible to foresee or calculate anything here. Qualities are passed from grandmothers, great-grandmothers, great-grandfathers and other ancestors.
2. Education . If the character is explosive, then it usually breaks fear. Anger takes over, and a person out of anger begins to do something. But in shy people, the internal reaction - to break through - is absent. The child is simply afraid and remains in place. This may suit parents and be encouraged by them. In addition, one of the elders in the family may demonstrate this behavior as normal. For example, mother in relation to father or grandmother.
3. Wednesday . These are parents, grandparents, siblings, friends, school environment. The environment reinforces the chosen format of behavior. For example, such a child may be convenient for the teacher. It does not create disturbances and problems. True, the teacher cannot count on him, because if you call such a student to the blackboard, he will not be able to answer, although he knows the material. By playing along with the student, the teacher forces him to respond less verbally, giving grades for written work. Such a child will be ashamed to ask if he does not understand something. There are gaps. This creates a sense of powerlessness.

Corr.: Is there a situation when, on the one hand, a person has a strong character, but on the other hand, he is still shy?

Daria : Maybe so. Perseverance is a trait of a strong person. She is no stranger to the shy. But we often confuse shyness and modesty, and these are different states even in sensations. Humility is worth learning. Including in order to achieve success in life ... This is what we develop ourselves, demonstrating as the result of a good upbringing. "I can afford to be modest."

Shyness is a negative trait that hinders life and development . It forces us not to do, not to say anything. If the child did not explain what worries him, did not ask about what he did not understand, but kept silent - swallowed it, and this became the norm, then he will not open up and will not achieve what he is capable of in life. A pronounced feature of shyness is the inability to manifest itself brightly. Everything related to public speaking, loud expressions, impulsiveness and emotional reaction lies in this area ... Shyness will definitely prevent those who want to become a public person to achieve success and conduct appropriate activities ...

Corr.: Is there any form of activity where shyness can help?

Daria : Of course. There are many professions where at least it will not become an obstacle. For writing or scientific activities, it can even be convenient, because at first it will help you get involved in the subject of study and get carried away. Moreover, later it can go away on its own. After all, deep knowledge is one of the factors that give rise to confidence in a shy person. Its carrier can simply outgrow the problem and later remember it with a smile.

By the way: the most popular writer of her era, Agatha Christie, admitted that she suffered from "humiliating, terrible, inevitable shyness. " Once because of this, she was unable to get to a party held at the Savoy Hotel, in honor of the success of the play based on her work. Dressed in her best dress, the 67-year-old writer was not recognized by the doorman and was not allowed into the hall. Instead of exclaiming: “Yes, you know who I am!”, She dutifully walked away and, sitting alone in the hall, watched the merry guests. However, it is unlikely that her detective stories would have gained such fame if the author had not developed the ability to observe ...

Daria : Shyness is the fear of someone else's opinion. When a person is alone, he is guaranteed to be spared from such an opinion. Due to the small workload of extraneous contacts, he has more time to study. If a person is stubborn or enthusiastic, then shyness can even contribute to its development.

Minus in accompanying internal experiences: he wants something, but he does not take the necessary steps to achieve what he wants. In childhood, this is not perceived as a problem. Mom feeds, and dad goes to work. It seems that everything is fine. And if the student did not cope and could not attend the circle, then this in itself is not scary. But in adulthood, it is fraught with consequences. A person cannot afford to have what he wants, therefore he is shy. At the same time, he will not fight, bite, and he will have fewer problems. Shyness will leave him at home and save him from negative events. Such a person is more likely to live a very calm, conflict-free life, but will she be happy?

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