How to know if someone is touching your child

After Sexual Assault | RAINN

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If someone touches you in a way that’s not okay, or shows you something that makes you feel like you are not safe, you don’t have to keep it a secret. It’s not right, and it's not your fault.
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Recovering from sexual assault or abuse is a process, and that process looks different for everyone. It may take weeks, months, or years: there’s no timetable for healing. Here are some resources to help you navigate the process.
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Did you know that many rape prosecutions end in a plea bargain? Or that a victim may not have to testify in court? Here’s everything you need to know about pursuing justice after sexual assault, from reporting processes to rape kits.
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Survivor Stories
Hear from courageous survivors about what it means to tell their story and be believed—and what it takes to continue thriving after sexual violence.
Read Stories
- Steps You Can Take After Sexual Assault - It’s hard to know what to do, how to feel, or what your options are after a sexual assault. There is help available—you are not alone.
- Safety Planning - Brainstorming ways to stay safe may help reduce the risk of future harm.
- Receiving Medical Attention - After sexual assault, a medical exam can check for help check for injuries, even those you may not be able to see.
- LGBTQ Survivors of Sexual Violence - Sexual violence affects people of every gender identity, and sexual orientation. As an LGBTQ survivor of sexual violence, you may face many of the same emotions and challenges as other survivors, but also might encounter additional hurdles.
- How Can Therapy Help? - If you decide to seek support from a therapist after sexual assault or abuse, you may have some questions. That’s perfectly normal. Working with a therapist can help you deal with some of the challenges you may be facing.
- Reporting to Law Enforcement - Understanding how to report and learning more about the experience can take away some of the unknowns and help you feel more prepared.
- What Is a Sexual Assault Forensic Exam? - During a sexual assault forensic exam, a trained healthcare professional can collect DNA evidence from your body, clothes, and other personal belongings.
- Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault - It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted, especially if they are a friend or family member.
- Telling Loved Ones About Sexual Assault - It can be hard to talk about an experience with sexual violence, and sometimes it may feel most daunting to bring it up with people you are closest to. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself before telling someone, tips to help prepare for the conversation, and ways to cope with unhelpful reactions if they occur.
- Help Someone You Care About - There are many ways that you can help a friend or family member who has been affected by sexual violence.
About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline
Need help?
Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

How does it work?
When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the ZIP code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.
Telephone Hotline Terms of Service

How can the hotline help me?
Calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline gives you access to a range of free services including:
- Confidential support from a trained staff member
- Support finding a local health facility that is trained to care for survivors of sexual assault and offers services like sexual assault forensic exams
- Someone to help you talk through what happened
- Local resources that can assist with your next steps toward healing and recovery
- Referrals for long term support in your area
- Information about the laws in your community
- Basic information about medical concerns
Is it confidential?
The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a safe, confidential service. When you call the hotline, only the first six numbers of the phone number are used to route the call, and your complete phone number is never stored in our system. Most states do have laws that require local staff to contact authorities in certain situations, like if there is a child or vulnerable adult who is in danger.
While almost all callers are connected directly to a staff member or volunteer at a local sexual assault service provider, a handful of providers use an answering service after daytime business hours. This service helps manage the flow of calls. If all staff members are busy, you may choose to leave a phone number with the answering service. In this case, the number will be confidential and will be given directly to the organization’s staff member for a callback. If you reach an answering service, you can try calling back after some time has passed, or you can choose to call during regular business hours when more staff members are available. You can also access 24/7 help online by visiting online. rainn.org.
Who are the sexual assault service providers?
Sexual assault service providers are organizations or agencies dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual assault. The providers who answer calls placed to the hotline are known as RAINN affiliates. To be part of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, affiliates must agree to uphold RAINN’s confidentiality standards. That means:
- Never releasing records or information about the call without the consent of the caller, except when obligated by law
- Only making reports to the police or other agencies when the caller consents, unless obligated by law
- Agreeing to RAINN’s non-discrimination policy
To learn more about how a provider can become an affiliate of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, visit the Sexual Assault Service Provider information page. Volunteer opportunities for the National Sexual Assault Hotline are coordinated through these local providers. Search for volunteer opportunities near you.
How was the National Sexual Assault Hotline created?
The National Sexual Assault Hotline was the nation’s first decentralized hotline, connecting those in need with help in their local communities. It’s made up of a network of independent sexual assault service providers, vetted by RAINN, who answer calls to a single, nationwide hotline number. Since it was first created in 1994, the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) has helped more than 3 million people affected by sexual violence.
Before the telephone hotline was created, there was no central place where survivors could get help. Local sexual assault services providers were well equipped to handle support services, but the lack of a national hotline meant the issue did not receive as much attention as it should. In response, RAINN developed a unique national hotline system to combine all the advantages of a national organization with all the abilities and expertise of local programs. One nationwide hotline number makes it easier for survivors to be connected with the help they deserve.
Anyone affected by sexual assault, whether it happened to you or someone you care about, can find support on the National Sexual Assault Hotline. You can also visit online.rainn.org to receive support via confidential online chat.

What children should know about sexual violence

© Collage by Kristina Savelyeva

From preschooler to teenager

Last week we talked a lot about sexualized violence against children, and today we want to show you a small checklist: what information children need to know and at what age in order not to get into trouble.

The main goal is to teach children three things: to distinguish between "good" and "bad" touches, to refuse "bad" touches, and to tell adults that someone tried to touch them. And since we do not yet have sex education either in schools or kindergartens, the only ones who can convey this important information to children are their parents, that is, you and I.

What toddlers and preschoolers need to know

Anatomy first. While the child is small, you need to start with the correct name for all parts of the body, without using euphemisms like "pods" and "faucets" (because there is a chance that a child who has experienced some kind of unpleasant situation in kindergarten will simply not be understood if he will tell the educator that someone touched him by the “faucet”).

Integrate body talk into your normal interactions with your child—for example, you can do this organically when your child is potty training, or when you play the game “Show me where your eyes, nose, ears are?” with him or her. This anatomical series, quite naturally and without hesitation, can be continued with the question: “Where is your vagina / Where is your penis?”.

Gradually explain to the child that these are his private parts and that no one should touch them (only the doctor or you, if necessary for medical control). Ask the child yourself if you can hug or kiss him before you do this and do not hug or kiss him if he does not want to (and certainly do not force other relatives to kiss and hug).

What exactly can you say to children at this age:

Adults and other children should never touch your private parts.

You can always say "No" or "Stop" if you don't like being touched.

Good secrets are like a birthday present, at some point everyone will know about them and be happy. Don't keep it a secret if someone touched you, it's not a good secret.

Show which parts of your body are covered by swimming trunks or a swimsuit? This is because they are intimate, no one should touch them.

Always ask permission before touching anyone. If someone says "No" or "I don't like it that way" to you, stop.

Don't take gifts from strangers! Always ask your parents for permission before taking something from a stranger. Don't go anywhere with strangers.

Naturally, it would be naive to expect that you will have to say all these phrases only once, and the child will remember everything. No, this is a long process, and everything will have to be repeated in a circle.

What six to eight year olds need to know

As your child gets older, your conversation with your child about sexual safety becomes more detailed. It is important that you continue to build trust with your children so that they are not afraid to tell you that they have experienced harassment, for example, at school, if this happens.

The central focus of this period is to talk to children about the “good” touches that we enjoy, that make us feel better—for example, when we hug our parents or grandparents; and there are "bad" touches - which are unpleasant for us and from which we feel out of place.

Explain to the children that if someone tries to touch them "in a bad way", then it is not the child's fault. Practice hypothetical scenarios and ask the children, “What would you say if someone touches you without asking?”

What specifically can you say to children at this age:

You must not touch other people's private parts.

Those parts of your body that are under a swimsuit or swimming trunks, no one should touch or ask you to show them (except for a doctor or parents for a medical examination).

Even if you treat some adult well, but he or she touched you and says that you should not tell anyone about it, be sure to tell your parents about it!

If you don't like how someone touched you, tell that person about it - you can use a loud voice and a harsh tone.

What 9-10 year olds should know

Since children today start using gadgets and social networks quite early, it is important to explain to them that abuse can occur not only offline, but also online. Continue to build trust with your child, listen carefully to your children and trust them - children very rarely lie about sexualized violence.

Watch for changes in children's behavior - for example, if they suddenly suddenly become withdrawn or refuse to visit one of your friends. Develop your "safety plan" - periodically talk to your child about who he can contact if something happened to him while you are at work.

What exactly can you say at this age:

No one should take pictures of your intimate parts of the body or ask you to take pictures of them yourself and send them in a messenger.

If an adult's behavior makes you feel uncomfortable, you can always tell us about it. I believe you! I will do everything to keep you safe.

Your body is your business. You should not hug, kiss or touch anyone if you don't want to.

What children need to know 11+

As children approach transitional age, the more important it is to stay connected with the child to help him or her through this difficult period take an interest in the child's life, communicate with his or her friends, ask about them — without inquiring.

No one can tell you in advance when your daughter or son will have their first relationship, so prepare ahead of time - and perhaps the most important thing here - is not only to tell them about the importance of contraception, but also about the rule of consent and that unspoken "No" does not mean "Yes".

What exactly can you say to a child at this age:

I know relationships with other people are not easy. If you want to talk to me about someone, I'm always there.

You can always say "No" if you don't like the way your relationship with someone is going. Even if you said "Yes" before. Your safety and your feelings are more important.

If someone refuses you and says “No” to you, respect that decision.

Be attentive to your friends, if you notice that someone is behaving inappropriately towards them, be sure to tell me.

Of course, we can't control our children's lives 24 hours a day - but by teaching them these rules, we can reduce the risk of them becoming victims of sexual abuse.

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- teenagers
- 2-3 years
- 6-10 years old
- 10+
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- 3-6 years old
Recognizing and preventing pain in children

"Is my child restless, is he in pain?" Such questions are often asked to us by parents because the child is restless. How to find out what hurts the baby?

The World Health Organization defines pain as follows: “Pain is what a person feels and describes in terms of time, place and intensity, frequency and type of pain. But what about children who have not yet learned to talk and cannot describe what hurts them? In their case, they may not receive suitable treatment because they cannot explain how they feel.

Sometimes even children who already speak well are very often embarrassed or afraid to tell what and where it hurts. The process of recognizing pain in each child is different, depending on age.

Pain recognition in children who do not yet speak

In children who do not yet speak, pain diagnosis is performed by an adult, depending on behavioral and physiological signs. In medical institutions, it is customary to measure pain in children using a special ruler, from a pain level of 0 (does not hurt at all) to 10 (unbearable pain).

Various ranges have been designed to suit different ages and development of the child. Some of them include behavioral and physiological traits and some of them are based only on behavior. However, it should be noted that most of the rulers designed to measure pain in children who do not yet speak were developed for research. Their application can be complex and time consuming.

Behavioral signs considered to understand the degree of pain - facial expression, tears, movements of the arms and legs and the ability to calm down. The more suffering is visible on the face of the child, the louder he cries, the more tense his limbs and it is impossible to calm him - so the degree of pain is higher.

Common physiological signs - blood pressure, heartbeat (pulse), breathing - if there is a deviation from the norm, such as an increased pulse and rapid breathing, then the degree of "discomfort" is greater.
The expression on the face is relatively irritated, looks without interest, is closed

Persons expresses constant suffering, the chin is trembling, the jaws are compressed

NENS

NEETS OF THE NACE
9000 , restless

Leg swings or legs tucked in

Activity

Calm position, lying down, moves without difficulty

Problem to calm down

The scores confirm moderate discomfort, requiring diagnosis of the cause and finding an opportunity to alleviate the condition.

If the source of the pain is not known, the child's behavior should continue to be monitored and evaluated. Since the behavioral and physiological signs do not specifically indicate pain, but may be associated with other problems such as hunger, a full diaper, noise, etc., they appear as "general discomfort" and not necessarily pain. The source of discomfort should be clarified - whether it is pain or another factor.

How can you tell if a child is in pain or otherwise uncomfortable?

If the source of the pain is known, for example, if the child is injured or suffers from an illness accompanied by painful sensations, such as ear pain, the discomfort is most likely associated with this.

If the child shows discomfort for no apparent reason, you should find out what the problem is - offer to drink, eat, change a diaper, check if the discomfort is related to uncomfortable clothing or a stuffy room. If, despite everything, the child is restless, pain is most likely the source of discomfort. Taking an over-the-counter pain medication as recommended by the doctor may help.

To identify the degree of pain in children who can describe their problem, but do not yet know the numbers.

Roni, 5 years old, arrived at the emergency room after the car he was traveling in got into a road accident. He is scared and refuses to speak. Although he is a developed boy and can describe what hurts him, at this age children often refuse to cooperate in case of anxiety or fear and will not answer the question: “What hurts you? Where?"

Between the ages of 2.5 and 8 years (or until the age at which children understand the meaning of numbers and comparisons), children can report that something hurts them and show where it hurts (head, stomach, leg, etc.), but very often they find it difficult to answer the question about the degree of pain, what they feel and how pain affects their well-being.

It is recommended that you ask specific questions to help you gather the information you need. For example, to the question: “Can you draw?”, the child can answer in the negative and explain that his arm hurts.

Although it is not easy for children to describe the degree of pain, you can help them to do this with a ruler of facial expressions. Show the child this ruler:

Pointing your finger at each drawing, say:
- this facial expression - nothing hurts him
- and this hurts a little
- here there is pain that interferes
- here the pain is very strong
- this is pain that cannot be endured what he feels. Usually a child who is in pain will indicate the facial expression "great pain". Very often, children perceive this drawing as “I am sad”, and not as “I am in pain”, and therefore it is very important to ask these questions to the child in a relatively calm environment, and not after, for example, taking blood for analysis.
  
  This ruler does not always help. Pain is an abstract concept and it is impossible to “show” it to a child, as they show it to an object or another person.
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