The Masterpiece Mom

In This Together (Parenting as Teammates, Not Opponents)

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When asked how I do it all as a mom of a big family, my answer is always the same:

“Well, I have an amazing husband. We’re a really good team.” 

That is the 100% truth. Sometimes I wonder what the person asking the question means by the word “all.” Are they assuming I do more than I actually do? Or maybe they’re simply observing the fact that I’m keeping eight kids alive and am managing to feed them somehow. A feat in itself!

I couldn’t possibly take full credit for the good (or the bad) one might see when they look at how our family functions, or at least how it appears on the outside.

I don’t do it all alone. Far from it. One half of a parenting team was not meant to do the work of both parents.

In an imperfect world wrought with the pain of sin and death, sometimes single parenting becomes a reality. In this instance, and for these purposes, I’m speaking of the partnership of parenting as a married couple.

……

How does one create and sustain an environment in the home where two parents are working as one unit toward a common goal without completely losing it? As we all know, it’s NOT EASY to parent our children well and create a thriving and loving marriage at the same time. It can be crazy-hard.

Here are a few things we’ve learned in our fifteen years as parents. Most, if not all, of these points were learned the hard way. Through the years, we’ve been impatient with each other and our kids. We’ve placed lots of expectations on each other and our kids. We’ve had to reverse bad habits, hold our tongues while opening our ears, and let Christ renew our minds so we could better relate to each other and our kids as we walk this road together.

I imagine if you’re still reading this, you want to love your spouse and family well. And to do that, we all need to put in the work.

……

1.  Raise this family together. – You made the family together, now it’s time to raise the family together. Men have work to do in life. Women have work to do in life. Neither reality exempts one parent or another from the work of intentional parenting. Serve each other and your children as Christ loved and served us. His love was sacrificial and purposeful, with a commitment to see it through to the end. We were made to do this together. As a team.

2.  Make a Plan. –  How do you know where you’re going and what your goals are if you don’t discuss them? Sit down and talk about what God wants for you as a couple and for your family, and the traits you’d like your family to possess. It sounds so simple, but the results of actually talking it out can make a profound difference.

3.  Grace. Lots of grace. – Both parents bring strengths to the team. Both parents bring weaknesses to the team. Don’t dwell on the differences or weaknesses, but rather let Christ use your strengths to build up your marriage and family unit for His glory. Give the same kind of grace to each other as you would like to receive when your faults are showing. Because they will show. How would you like this to be handled by your spouse? Whatever your answer, act in that way when your spouse’s weaknesses make an appearance. Grace. It’s a beautiful thing.

4.  Sin isn’t the worst thing that can happen. Though your unwillingness to admit it might be. It’s no secret that we all sin. Let’s stop trying to cover it up by justifying and coddling it. Sin is an everyday occurrence, but we must handle it correctly if we want any kind of relationship with our spouse and children. Admit your failure before Christ and your family, ask for forgiveness, and draw near to Him while choosing a better way. Show your kids this process from time to time as well. They will only benefit from witnessing your humility and desire to make things right.

5.  Friendly and loving interaction. – This one is the hardest when you’re tired. All parents are tired. So this is difficult for all of us. Choosing friendly and loving interactions might be the very thing that pushes your marriage from dry to dynamic. Though it takes a lot of self-control and intentionality — kind words, warm smiles, and forgiving attitudes are an integral part of a thriving marriage. Ask any spouse who feels the sting of an icy husband or wife on a regular basis, and they’d say a little kindness and a smile would go a long way in improving the relationship.

6. Opponents make enemies. Teammates get somewhere together. I’ve never seen two opponents accomplish anything together because they’re always heading in opposite directions. Are we working against each other in our parenting? Always challenging the other person’s actions and ideas, trying to “beat” them with our own? Or are we working side-by-side our spouse toward a common goal?

7. Selfish actions and attitudes will sink the boat. – As you can see, what I’ve shared isn’t really about parenting at all. It’s about selflessly loving each other, so you can be on the same team so you can parent well. Selfishness is at the root of most every unhealthy marriage. So if you want your relationship (and your family) to head in a different direction? Seek the Lord, and take an inventory of all the ways you’re contributing to the selfish parent fund, and see what you and Jesus can do about it.

 

In which of these areas would you most like to see improvement in your marriage and parenting partnership?

We’re in this together! We’re praying for your marriages and for you as a parenting team. Let us know how we can pray!

The Lonely Mom

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This time of year always gets me. When the leaves begin to fall and the crispness of the season finds its way into the lonely cracks of my soul, my gut instinct is to hibernate. To pull those comfy blankets up around my shoulders and vow to stay holed up inside my cozy abode until spring.

But loneliness is more than just a staying at home thing.

We isolate ourselves in so many ways.

Ignoring texts from a well-meaning friend.

Pushing off being a part of a much-needed Bible study.

Choosing to hide in the church nursery rather than engage with other moms cheerfully chatting in the hallway.

We find excuse after excuse why we can’t be the one responsible for building a bridge of fellowship. {I mean, really. Who has time for such long-term projects?}

Sometimes friendship seems to take So. Much. Effort. And answering those texts and returning those phone calls requires more energy than we have stored up in our mothering tanks.

Because we’re tired mamas. We’re stressed-out mamas. And our everyday is often defined by frazzled emotions and frantic schedules stretched tighter than a hard-working rubberband.

I begin telling the latest shenanigans of one of my little people to one of my friends as I always do: animated, detailed, and funny. The worse the disobedient offense, the funnier the story becomes. But in my heart, as I recount the tale of a little monkey who’s been up to no good, I know I tell the tale so I can garner some sympathy and understanding. So my friends will know what I actually go through day-in, day-out. I don’t care if you have one kid or eight like me (or more.) Being a mom is hard. It’s good to share our stories with each other. We need to know it’s hard for our friends too.

I also tell stories to make light of hard parenting days, to remind myself how cute and funny my kids can be. While it’s not always funny in the moment (if ever), it sometimes helps to tell the hard stories so we can gain a new perspective from the listener.

But then there’s this part. Sometimes I tell tales about my kids’ disobedience because it sort of feels good to tattle on them a bit. Even if it’s just to Jeremy or one of their Grandmas. After all, my day has been SO hard because of it. We can be quite dramatic, can’t we? Even though my outer appearance may not be of one who is bitter and unforgiving, God has been convicting me about a form of unforgiveness I’ve been harboring toward my kids. Maybe, just maybe you struggle with it too.

I’ve never thought of myself as an unforgiving person. I mean, I’m not holding onto any lifelong grudges, nor am I walking around as a grumpy, irritable person. Not always, anyways. Don’t ask my kids exactly how often that happens. 

I know in my heart I’m not really forgiving my children if I’m annoyed by their behavior after the fact.

Am I truly forgiving my kids when I’m continually flustered they’re doing the same. wrong. things. AGAIN. and AGAIN? It feels justified when the behavior is repeated over and over. “Anyone would be upset by this,” I reason.

Am I truly forgiving my kids when I’m still upset at them when I recount the day’s events to Jeremy?

Am I truly forgiving my kids when I withhold a loving look or an approving glance in the minutes or hours that follow because I have it in my head if I smile at them they’ll think their actions were okay?

Am I truly forgiving my kids when I bring up their past mistakes or sins?

Am I truly forgiving my kids when I launch into a lecture hours after talking, hugging, and forgiving them?

Ugh. This hits hard. I wish I had this conquered. It’s probably my biggest mothering struggle. It doesn’t help that I’m mothering some kids who live with some very real challenges that greatly affect their ability to make wise choices. This makes obedience trickier. Which translates to a great challenge in patience for Jeremy and I. You’d think it’d be easier to forgive and act solely out of love and compassion since a lot of what we deal with as the parents of these kiddos is something they can’t really help. But there’s this faded wiggly line their behavior butts up against, and we can’t always tell what’s outright disobedience and what’s a result of true forgetfulness and impulsive behavior brought on by the effects of their challenges. It’s a hard reality, but it doesn’t excuse me from completely forgiving my kids under any and all circumstances.

Jesus asks us to forgive and give love and grace in exchange for any offense. I mean: any offense. No matter how many times. But when we choose to hold onto their offenses, it is now our sin that moves front and center.

Don’t we so desperately want to be modeling true forgiveness to our children? Christ has forgiven it all for us (all!), and has never once withheld His love or affection from us. Not even once. 

It’s like the story in Matthew 18 of the master who forgives the enormous debt of his servant. This debt was more than the man could ever pay back, so his master had mercy on him, forgiving every last bit of the debt. After, the forgiven servant went right out, and instead of being humbled by the grace shown him, went straight for the neck of a fellow servant who owned him a little money. He demanded, “Pay what you owe.” 

The forgiving master was made aware of the situation, and immediately threw the unforgiving servant (who was forgiven of all his debt) into prison until he could pay back the impossible debt.

How can we withhold forgiveness and love and grace and mercy from our children when we’ve accepted forgiveness, love, grace, and mercy from God? We can, but we shouldn’t. This realization has been trickling into all of my relationships.

Am I truly forgiving my friend? Am I truly forgiving my husband? True freedom is found when we are forgiven and in turn forgive. God has been teaching me so much. While it’s painful to learn and fail, learn and fail. Growth is happening somewhere in there too.

Growth is happening somewhere in you. Somewhere in me.

 

Father, we praise you for being such a forgiver. You blow us away with your kindness toward us. We want to be kind forgivers of our families. Will you help us? We need you so, so much. We can’t do this alone. Remind us to pray. Remind us to ask for help. Remind us to love like you love. Thank you for your Son who gave all, so we could receive all.

In Jesus’ Name, Amen. 

Distracted Mom Syndrome

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In recent years, I’ve gotten into a bad habit.

I’ve allowed myself to be a perpetually distracted mom. Fully focusing on the task or family member right in front of me became something I had to work really hard to be intentional about. But I often failed.

If we were watching a movie as a family, I brought my laptop along so I could work on the next blog post or write tasks and dates in my planner.

If I were sitting on the floor playing dolls with my three year-old, my phone was close so I could see if that important email came through.

If one of my older kids wanted to tell me something, I’d say “Just a minute, I’m working on something really important. I’m almost done.” Twenty minutes later, I still wasn’t done. And I still hadn’t listened to what they wanted to share.

In the words of Yoda, “Fully present I was not.” 

I’d fallen into the trap of attempting to be productive at the wrong times. Family life (a big family at that) left little time for my work, so I got really good at squeezing it into the nooks and crannies of my day. Leaving me ten minutes here to get some paperwork filled out, 30 minutes there to do some writing, 5 minutes way over there to sent that email.

Working this way wasn’t actually productive for me at all. It was a futile effort. And it left me (and my family) frustrated.

My work was still left undone and my family was rarely getting all of me for any given amount of time. I was on duty non-stop — either working, or devoting time to my family. But wasn’t doing either particularly well. Neither was getting the best of me. And rest? Well, that wasn’t happening either even though I was desperate for it.

Though not as much as I dream of having, and not in the way I’d most wish, there is time for me to work uninterrupted when I’m not stealing time from my family. There is time for me to get all of my things done before a single child needs me or wants to show me something.

But it involves the mention of two little words I’ve despised in the past: early and morning.

Staying up late to get my work done has been my go-to for years. But as I get older (ouch) and as life feels squeezy-er, I’m complete mush by 9 pm. My brain cells need to be off-duty by then. Reading is good, social media is fine, and so is lounging at that point in the night. But actually work? Nuh-uh. It’s not going to happen. But still I’ve tried to make it work. It’s peaceful in the house, after all. How often does that ever actually happen?

But I’m learning that I’m the most productive in the morning, once I’ve been up for a bit and have been in God’s Word (I’m currently enjoying Bible Study using the First 5 app on my iPhone). I’m way less stressed and have loads more attention to give to my people once the boxes are checked off and the tabs are closed in the internet of my brain. But goodness, it’s hard to be good at this.

You’ll never find a 1-2-3 Let Me Show You How to Do This sort of post on this topic from me. It’s a work in progress. I’m a work in progress.

But I know what I want, I know what the Lord is asking me to do, and I’m willing. I want to get back to simpler times. Devoting my love, time, and attention to the ones I love most. Face-to-face with my full attention.

There are conversations waiting to be had, books waiting to be read together, and adventures waiting to be seized. What will I choose? I pray it’s to be much more intentional and much less distracted.

Who else needs to re-prioritize their day, so their family gets the best of them? Raise your virtual hand by commenting on Facebook or right here in the comments. I’d love to know who I can pray for and who else is along for the ride.

 

The Universal Language of Motherhood

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3.  Discipline or lecture her kids. If you’re ever tempted to correct a friend’s kids when she’s standing right there, let her handle it. Let’s not push in here. We have authority over and are accountable for our kids. She has authority over and is accountable for hers. God set it up this way for good reason. Practicing authority over her kids when it hasn’t been given to you is never a good idea.

4.  Make it all about you and your preferences. If you want to push your mom friends (or any friend) away, make what you want the most important thing. If you want true and sacred friendships? Sacrificial love all the way. Our friends have preferences too. Let’s take the time to figure out what they are, and seek to serve them. “Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)

5.  Act as if your way of mothering is superior to hers OR act as if yours stinks and she’s the Queen of Mothering. Both are harmful. They don’t unite, they only separate. It’s awkward both ways. Let’s view each other as equals and joint heirs of God’s kingdom instead.

6.  Be uninterested in her life and what she has to say. In friendship, conversation is one of the greatest tools to build a strong foundation. But sometimes, without even realizing we do it, we let our stories, our opinions, and our topics take over. I’m embarrassed to say how many times I’ve struggled with this. To grow and maintain healthy friendships, let’s be the kind of friends who ask questions and then truly listen without tying what she says to ourselves. Be interested in her life by listening to her. So often we jump in to add a “me too” or “guess what?” right before the conversation goes deeper. Give her space to talk. Good friend bonus tip: Remember what she’s shared with you and check in about it from time to time.

7.  Make her feel negligent based on what she chooses or abstains from for her kids. I’m talking sports, vaccinations, food choices, music lessons, activities, schooling, etc. Maybe you think your friend is putting her kids in too many activities. Or maybe you disagree with her choice to vaccinate. Remember, you are not accountable for the choices she makes for her kids. Trust that your friend and her family are making an informed decision led by God. If she asks what you think, you’ll have a chance to share your thoughts in a polite and godly manner. Otherwise? Love her, love her, love her.

8.  Always let her be the one who calls, texts, and initiates time together. This is one I’ve really had to get intentional about. There are nine other people living in my home who need me. Sometimes it’s hard to think outside the four walls of my home to initiate contact with my friends because everyday life is so full. But I do it because I love my friends and want them to know I’m thinking of them. Plus, life is full for all of us. If all of us kept to ourselves, there’d be no friendship. And that’s a sad, sad thing. And when a friend contacts me? I thank them because I know how much work it takes to make happen.

9.  Hold on to past relational hurts. If your friend has hurt you in the past, forgive her. There is nothing a friend could do that is unworthy of our forgiveness. Ask Jesus. He knows.

10.  Share her secrets. “A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret.” (Proverbs 11:13) A friend needs to know she is safe with you. Show her she is by how you handle the confidences she entrusts to you. A practice I use is to ask (when the topic is appropriate), “Is this something I can share with Jeremy?” Showing her that I value and will safeguard her secrets, unless she agrees I can share it with my husband so we can pray together about it. 

 

There we go. It’s a bit overwhelming, I agree. Let’s not be overwhelmed, but instead prayerfully ask the Lord what He’d have us focus on to improve the friendships He’s given us. Father, help us be the kind of friends you intended all along. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

For more hope and encouragement on your mothering journey, join The Masterpiece Mom community on Facebook! We’d love to see you there. Also, look for The Masterpiece Mom on iTunes, or listen right here on the blog! To listen to our latest episode, click HERE.

What Can I Give Him?

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Last night I shopped the closets and drawers in our home to put together outfits for the ten of us to wear for a little family photo shoot today. My criteria was as such: we need things to wear that aren’t too match-y, aren’t too clash-y, and won’t cost a thing. We’ll be attempting this feat in the great (and freezing) outdoors, and we’re praying for just one shot in which: 1) We’re all looking. 2) We don’t look too stressed. 3) The two year-old doesn’t freak out. Because, um, she’s in a rather spicy stage right now.

I remember back when taking family photos was a stressful event when we had two kids, but now with eight of ’em? Ooh boy. It’s a whole different thing. But I don’t think it matters how many kids you have, getting a decent group picture is tricky business. I applaud all photographers for their patience, creativity, and mad skill. And all mothers for the same.

I love, love, love receiving Christmas photo cards in the mail year after year. I stop and gaze at them often during the weeks they’re displayed in our entryway. Then after the holidays pass, I line the inside of our pantry cabinet with them, so I can smile at and pray for the families all year long. It’s my favorite. So, if you send me a card, you can know it will be treasured and handled with care.

Even though these shiny-happy paper guests usually invoke smiles, sometimes they have the capacity to make us droop a little too. Our smile fades when we stare too long and too hard at the perfectly placed children who aren’t pitching fits and who clearly adore each other. All the time. It says so right in their smiles. Then our eyes wander to that glorious mom who managed to pull it all together while looking awfully amazing herself. We conclude in ten seconds or less that we stink. We didn’t even send cards. And even if we did, there’s no way we’d all come out looking like THAT.

As we sit smack-dab in the middle of happy-mail season, I want us to remember something as we tear at the foil-lined envelopes and pull out a bit of Christmas cheer. Actually, there are a few somethings I want us to keep in mind that might help us have the right perspective about all this:

1.  You don’t need to send cards. I repeat: You do not need to send cards. There is no special place in the front of the Christmas buffet line in heaven for those who put in the effort and fork over the cash required. Release yourself from any guilt. If it’s not your thing, it’s not your thing.

2.  As mentioned above, there’s no secret chamber of God’s heart for those who manage to get it together enough to brighten their loved ones’ mail stacks each year. It’s strictly optional. If it’s your thing, it’s your thing. It can be a really good, positive, and encouraging thing, and it happens to be something I really enjoy doing. Though this year, we obviously aren’t going to get any sort of card printed and send out by next week. We’re aiming for the New Year. This just might become a new family tradition.

3.  If you are the type to send out a greeting this time of year like me, I’m going to ask us a pointed question: Are you seeking to impress people or bless God? It’s an important question to answer, because we can’t do both. Are we touting all we’ve done or all our kids have done in a year? Or are we recounting God’s gifts and faithfulness to us? After all, Christmas is about celebrating the gift of Jesus and His accomplishments, not ours. I’m proposing we give the glory back to Him as we send our greetings. After all, glory was never ours for the taking.

4.  And finally, just as we all know a family photo is not going to tell the whole story of our crazy family, please, please remember they won’t tell the whole story of theirs either. There is SO much more that goes on (for the good and the bad) behind the plastered grins and Christmas sweaters. We know this about ourselves. We must know this about them too. There are no perfect families. Don’t believe that for one second.

I’m wondering if any of you just heaved a heavy sigh of relief like I did. It’s so freeing to release ourselves from the pressure to perform and the temptation to compare ourselves to everyone, isn’t it?

Jesus didn’t come to turn us into photo-ready followers, He came to turn our lives around. May we always rejoice in His coming with gratitude, and think twice about the message we’re sending out and allowing into our thoughts during this season.

Merry Christmas from us to you!

The Great Mom Divide — 5 Ways We Can Close the Gap

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If God had a top 10 list of things that grieve His heart, I wonder if The Great Mom Divide would make the cut?

What’s The Great Mom Divide, you ask? It’s the great chasm created between moms when:

The Great Mom Divide seeks to separate, alienate, and isolate. I’m sure that you don’t want to play any part in furthering that cause any more than I do.

Even though believing moms are united under the banner of Christ, the truth is that we aren’t united on many other fronts. And it’s strange, because unified is one of the very things believers are asked to be.

I appeal to you, dear brothers and sisters, by the authority of our Lord Jesus Christ, to live in harmony with each other. Let there be no divisions in the church. Rather, be of one mind, united in thought and purpose.  {1 Corinthians 1:10}

In this, Paul’s closing benediction to the Corinthian church, he isn’t saying here that we all must have the same thoughts, the same opinions, or that we should all virtually be the same person. He’s saying that we should “be of one mind,” which means to have the mind of Christ. To think how Christ thinks. This changes everything.

Would you be willing to be a mom who’ll commit to closing The Great Mom Divide?

Here are 5 ways we can do that:

In order to start reversing any habit, one must be disciplined. Right out of the gate, let’s admit that being disciplined is hard work. And in this case, we need to be disciplined not to judge other moms. It’s such a hard thing. We have our standards, and whenever someone falls short of them, we judge. The thing we have to remember is that the sea of moms out there are not held to our standards, but God’s. We must be disciplined to live our own life well, while encouraging others to do the same.

When we disagree or don’t understand another mom’s life, we tend to say things that are insensitive. Instead of, “I don’t know how you do it.” why don’t we try, “How can I help you do it?” We all are gifted with different callings and strengths, but it’s not always daisies and roses to carry them out. Let’s not remind each other how hard our callings are, instead let’s help each other by speaking words that lift and offer gentle reminders that heal.

We’re guilty. We’ve all stereotyped someone by placing them into a generalized category without knowing all the background information and we’ve all been stereotyped. It feels pretty cruddy no matter which end of the spectrum you happen to be at the moment. Either way you play it, stereotypes hurt relationships. Get to know other moms as individuals. We are each unique creations, never fully fitting into one category or another. We’ll be discussing this topic further in Episode 19 of the podcast which you can listen to right here on the blog in just two more days.

Community is a word that has been thrown around modern Christendom for a few years now. We all need it, and are at our best in the midst of a healthy one. How about we picture community as a welcoming campfire with enough logs for all to sit on? Because groups of moms were never meant to dwell within fortified cities we erect with our own hands. We were meant for each other. So go on, build that campfire, and invite other moms to join you.

Of course. We can’t forget Jesus. So many times we divide ourselves without giving a thought to Christ and the love He’s asking us to give. Societal dividing lines never once stopped Jesus. He walked right over them. And we should too. Let’s ask God to give us eyes of compassion. Eyes that stop seeing the differing lives of other moms as wrong (and therefore offensive), but instead as one more way the Father was infinitely creative when crafting us.

Who else might benefit from reading these words? Share away!