How to calm an angry child down

Helping your child with anger issues

Anger is a normal and useful emotion. It can tell children when things are not fair or right.

But anger can become a problem if a child's angry behaviour becomes out of control or aggressive.

Why is your child so angry?

There are lots of reasons why your child may seem more angry than other children, including:

seeing other family members arguing or being angry with each other
friendship problems
being bullied – the Anti-Bullying Alliance has information on bullying
struggling with schoolwork or exams
feeling very stressed, anxious or fearful about something
coping with hormone changes during puberty

It may not be obvious to you or your child why they're feeling angry. If that's the case, it's important to help them work out what might be causing their anger.

Read our tips on talking to children about feelings.

Tackle anger together

Team up with your child to help them deal with their anger. This way, you let your child know that the anger is the problem, not them.

With younger children, this can be fun and creative. Give anger a name and try drawing it – for example, anger can be a volcano that eventually explodes.

How you respond to anger can influence how your child responds to anger. Making it something you tackle together can help you both.

Help your child spot the signs of anger

Being able to spot the signs of anger early can help your child make more positive decisions about how to handle it.

Talk about what your child feels when they start to get angry. For example, they may notice that:

their heart beats faster
their muscles tense
they clench their teeth
they make a fist
their stomach churns

Anger tips for your child

Work together to try to find out what triggers the anger. Talk about helpful strategies for managing anger.

You could encourage your child to:

count to 10
walk away from the situation
breathe slowly and deeply
clench and unclench their fists to ease tension
talk to a trusted person
go to a private place to calm down

If you see the early signs of anger in your child, say so. This gives them the chance to try their strategies.

Encourage regular active play and exercise

Staying active can be a way to reduce or stop feelings of anger. It can also be a way to improve feelings of stress, anxiety or depression,

For older children or young people, this could be simple activities, such as:

a short walk
jogging or running
cycling

Read more about physical activity for children and young people.

Be positive

Positive feedback is important. Praise your child's efforts and your own efforts, no matter how small.

This will build your child's confidence in their ability to manage their anger. It will also help them feel that you're both learning together.

When to seek help for anger in children

If you're concerned your child's anger is harmful to them or people around them, you could talk to a:

GP
health visitor
school nurse

If necessary, a GP may refer your child to a local children and young people's mental health service (CYPMHS) for specialist help.

CYPMHS is used as a term for all services that work with children and young people who have difficulties with their emotional or behavioural wellbeing.

You may also be able to refer your child yourself without seeing a GP.

Read more about accessing mental health services.

Further help and support for anger in children

For more support with anger in children, you could phone the YoungMinds parents' helpline free on 0808 802 5544 (9. 30am to 4.00pm, Monday to Friday).

Other sources of help and support include:

YoungMinds: parent's guide to responding to anger
YoungMinds: information for children about dealing with anger
MindEd for families: anger and aggression in children

If you have older children, find out more about talking to teenagers and coping with your teenager.

The Health for Teens website also has more about anger management

Page last reviewed: 11 February 2020
Next review due: 11 February 2023

26 Phrases to Help an Angry Child Calm Down

Whether your child has a slow-burning fuse or explodes like a firecracker at the slightest provocation, every child can benefit from anger management skills. As parents, we lay the foundation for this skill set by governing our own emotions in the face an angry outburst.

Next time you are dealing with a tantrum from a toddler, or cold shoulder from a teen, put your best foot forward by trying one of these 26 phrases to help your child calm down and to comfort a child who is upset:

1. Instead of: “Stop throwing things”

Try: “When you throw your toys, I think you don’t like playing with them. Is that what’s going on?”

This speaker/listener technique is designed to help communicate feelings in a non-confrontational manner. Not only does this keep the lines of communication open, you are modeling how to phrase a situation from your perspective, which in turn gives your child a chance to rephrase events in his (her) perspective.

2. Instead of: “Big kids don’t do this”

Try: “Big kids and even grown ups sometimes have big feelings. It’s okay, these feeling will pass.”

Let’s be honest. The older your kids get, the bigger the problems they face, the bigger the feelings they have. Telling them that big kids don’t experience anger, frustration, or anxiety is simply untrue. It also encourages children to avoid or quash emotions and prevents processing them in a healthy manner.

3. Instead of: “Don’t be angry”

Try: “I get angry too sometimes. Let’s try our warrior cry to get those angry feelings in check.”

A recent study reveals that yelling when we are physically hurt can actually interrupt pain messages being sent to the brain. Although your child may not be in pain per se, a warrior cry can work to release angry energy in a playful manner. Choose a warrior cry or mantra together with your child (think of William Wallace from the movie Brave Heart screaming “Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedom!”).

4. Instead of: “Don’t you dare hit”

Try: “It’s okay to be angry, but I won’t let you hit. We need to keep everyone safe.”

This gets the message firmly across that the emotion is okay, but the action is not. Separating the two will help your child learn to do likewise

5. Instead of: “You’re being so difficult”

Try: “This is a tough one, huh? We’re going to figure this out together.”

When children are digging in their heels, it is important to understand why. This phrase reinforces the idea that you are on the same team, working toward the same goal.

6. Instead of: “That’s it, you’re getting a time-out!”

Try: “Let’s go to our calm down space together.”

This flips the script of “time out” to “time in,” allowing for reconnection instead of isolation.

7. Instead of: “Brush your teeth right now”

Try: “Do you want to brush Elmo’s teeth first or yours?”

For toddlers, tantrums are a way to exert control over their environment. This way, you are offering your toddler a choice, and in turn, some control.

8. Instead of: “Eat your food or you will go to bed hungry”

Try: “What can we do to make this food yummy?”

This places the responsibility of finding a solution back on your child.

9. Instead of: “Your room is disgusting! You are grounded unless this gets clean.”

Try: “How about we just start cleaning this itty bitty corner of your room? I’ll give you a hand.”

In lieu of focusing on the overwhelming task of cleaning up a huge mess, shift the goal to simply starting. Starting an undesirable task can provide the impetus and momentum to continue.

10. Instead of: “We. Are. LEAVING”

Try: “What do you need to do to be ready to leave?”

Allow children to think through processes for the transitions in their lives. This helps avoid a power struggle and it gives them a chance to signal to their minds that they are making a transition to a new activity. This is also an excellent routine to role-play when you are not actually going anywhere.

11. Instead of: “Stop whining”

Try: “How about a quick ‘do over’ in your normal voice?”

Sometimes kids whine and don’t even realize it. By asking them to rephrase in a normal tone, you are teaching them that the way they say things matters.

12. Instead of: “Stop complaining”

Try: “I hear you. Can you come up with a solution?”

Again, this places the responsibility back on the child. Next time your child is complaining non-stop about school/dinner/siblings, ask her to brainstorm solutions. Remind her there are no wrong answers, and the sillier she is, the better.

13. Instead of: “How many times do I have to say the same thing???”

Try: “I can see you didn’t hear me the first time. How about when I say it to you, you whisper it back to me?”

Having your child repeat back what he hears solidifies your message. Varying the volume adds an element of fun to the request.

14. Instead of: “Stop getting frustrated”

Try: “Is that ___ too hard right now? Let’s take a break and come back to it in 17 minutes.”

It sounds random, but a research-based formula for productivity is to work for 52 minutes, break for 17. By taking a break from task-related stress, you come back to it ready to begin again, focused and more productive than before. The same concept applies to homework, practicing the piano, or playing a sport.

15. Instead of: “Go to your room”

Try: “I’m going to stay right here by you until you’re ready for a hug.”

Again, isolation sends the message that there is something wrong with your child. By giving her space until she is ready to re-engage, you are providing reassurance that you will always be there for her.

16. Instead of: “You are embarrassing me”

Try: “Let’s go somewhere private so we can sort this out. ”

Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about him and his feelings. By removing both of you from the situation, you are reinforcing the team effort without drawing attention to the behavior.

17. Instead of: (Sighing and rolling your eyes)

Try: (Make eye contact, remember your child’s greatest strengths, and give her a compassionate smile.)

Practice keeping it in perspective by seeing the strengths in your child.

18. Instead of: “You are impossible”

Try: “You are having a tough time. Let’s figure this out together.”

Always, always separate the behavior from the child, reinforce the emotion, and work together to come up with a solution.

19. Instead of: “Stop yelling!”

Try: “I’m going to pretend I’m blowing out birthday candles. Will you do it with me?”

Deep breathing helps restore the body to a calm state. Being playful with how you engage in the breathing hastens cooperation. For older children, ask them to breathe with you like Darth Vadar does.

20. Instead of: “I can’t deal with you right now”

Try: “I’m starting to get frustrated, and I’m going to be right here calming down.”

Teach children how to label and govern their emotions by modeling this in real time.

21. Instead of: “I’m done talking”

Try: “I love you. I need you to understand that it is not okay to ____. Is there anything you need me to understand?”

This keeps the lines of communication open while expressing the emotion in a healthy way.

22. Instead of: “I am at the end of my rope”

Try: “If green is calm, yellow is frustrated, and red is angry, I’m in the yellow zone headed toward red. What color are you? What can we do to get back to green?”

Give children a visual to express how they are feeling. It may surprise you what they say, and what kind of solutions they comes up with to change their direction.

23. Instead of: “I am NOT changing it”

Try: “I’m sorry you don’t like how I ___. How can we do better next time?”

Shifting the focus from the event to the solution eliminates the power struggle associated with digging in your heels about the event.

24. Instead of: “Stop saying ‘No!'”

Try: “I hear you saying, ‘No.’ I understand you do not want this. Let’s figure out what we can do differently.”

By acknowledging your child’s “No,” you are de-escalating the situation. Rather than arguing yes/no, change the script to focus on the future and the prospect of a solution.

25. Instead of: “Stop overreacting”

Try: “You are having a big reaction to a big emotion. If your emotion had a monster’s face, what would it look like?”

When kids are tired, hungry, or overstimulated, they are going to overreact. Putting a face to the emotion externalizes the issue and allows children to respond to their inner monologue of anger. This subsequently helps them exercise control over the emotion.

26. Instead of: “Just stop”

Try: “I’m here for you. I love you. You’re safe.” (Then, sit in stillness with your child and allow the emotion to rise up and pass.)

When children are in the throes of anger or panic, often their bodies are experiencing a stress response whereby they literally feel unsafe. Letting them know they are safe supports them until the discomfort passes. This is a vital skill of resilience.

A version of this article was originally published on Positive Parents.

How to calm an angry child - 10 ways

Anger is an absolutely normal emotion, and the ability to properly manage it is one of the keys to emotional health and well-being. If your child has frequent outbursts of anger, it is important to understand why this is happening and to teach the child calming exercises.

Before moving on to the list of calming exercises, let's look into the emotional world of the child and see what causes screaming, fighting and aggressive behavior.

According to an article by the National Scientific Council on the Developing Child (2004), children rapidly develop the ability to experience and express a wide range of emotions from birth. The emotional experience of newborns and infants most often occurs during interactions with a parent or caregiver, such as when children are being fed, comforted, and held. They experience negative emotions and show dissatisfaction when they are hungry, uncomfortable or lonely and they experience positive emotions when they are fed, comforted, interacted with, etc. They cannot control the expression of emotions that overwhelm them and are not yet able to regulate them on their own.

The article says that the emotional life of toddlers and preschoolers is much more complicated. It is noteworthy that the authors say: "The emotional health of young children is closely related to the emotional and social characteristics of the environment in which they live. " While differences in temperament are part of their heredity and personality, their experience gradually accumulates depending on the experiences they have experienced, and how their brain is built depends on how we teach them to control emotions. The early years of childhood are critical for learning positive ways to work with a child's emotional world, as the brain's emotional center and prefrontal cortex (responsible for empathy, reasoning, and self-control) develop rapidly during this time.

However, this does not mean that the older child, who did not learn good emotional control as a preschooler, now has no hope for the future. We are always able to learn new skills and develop the mental muscles necessary for self-control. Although early childhood is the best time to develop emotional intelligence, it is not too late for a teenager or adult to learn how to control their emotions.

Unfortunately, as a rule, children are punished for showing anger, and punishment only exacerbates the problem. Instead of discussing negative emotions together and helping the child cope with feelings, parents usually put the child in a corner after spanking. Fighting, calling names, biting and yelling are all unacceptable ways of expressing anger, it's a lesson kids need to learn, but it's foolish to expect them to be able to express anger in acceptable ways if we don't show them how.

All children can learn is to suppress their feelings in order to avoid punishment, when it would be much wiser to teach them to deal with feelings in a healthy way.

In addition to parents who punish children, there are those who teach their children to stomp their feet, beat the pillow or shout into it, etc. when angry outbursts. I used to think that these were acceptable ways to release anger, but studies have shown that these actions do not help to calm down. On the contrary, they continue the adrenaline rush that feeds the hostility.

This brings us back to the main point.

1.

Introduce your child to a new unpleasant emotion.

"You are overwhelmed with anger (you are angry, angry), let me help you." This is necessary so that in the future the child understands exactly what he feels, in order to know what should be done next.

2. Meet anger with compassion.

Listen to the child and show that their feelings are important. As long as the child is talking, the anger will subside. His higher brain will respond to sympathy, which will help calm the lower brain, where anger originates.

3. Instead of sending your child to a corner for punishment, create a cozy corner for him and send him there.

There he can look at picture books, draw, listen to relaxing music or play. Don't worry, this alternative to punishment doesn't encourage unacceptable behavior, it teaches the important skill of calming down.

4. Teach your child to breathe properly.

Even babies can be taught to take deep breaths. Older children can be taught meditative breathing.

5. Practice mindfulness with your child.

Research shows that mindfulness can help children improve their ability to concentrate, calm down when upset, and make better decisions.

---------------

Keep your child busy with games that require concentration.

FAST FORWORD classes will not only teach the child to concentrate, but also ensure the development of neural networks in the areas of the brain responsible for the child's basic cognitive skills.

Thanks to this, your child will quickly and permanently become a successful student.

---------------

6. Let your child play with the plasticine.

For most children, tactile sensory activities create a calming effect.

7. Give your child enough time to relax.

Drawing, rolling on the grass, reading and music help calm the nerves of an overstressed child. A stressed child is at risk for temper tantrums.

8. Give your baby a bath.

A poem by artist SARK says “if they're crabby, put them in water.” Warm, soothing water is a good way to cheer up a child.

9. If your child needs space to calm down, provide it.

Just don't ignore it, because it has extremely negative consequences. Let your child know that you are supportive and available to talk to, but respect his need to be alone.

10. Have your child look at himself.

Take him to a mirror and ask him to look at himself from head to toe. Let him find the tense parts of his body and relax them.

Source Every parent wants their child to be a calm boy or girl. But there are children who have already learned to solve their problems only with the help of aggression. Parents should help the child identify the source of anger and teach them how to deal with it. It takes time to acquire new habits, especially when it comes to short tempers.

Every child has certain experiences and unresolved conflicts that develop into outbursts of anger. For example, a child may feel unappreciated in the family or suffer from low self-esteem in the classroom. The task of an adult is to establish the causes of a child's anger, which can be expressed by various negative experiences: irritation, anxiety, disappointment, etc.

For many children, anger manifests itself in the fact that they fight, scream, hit and bite, they may bang their heads against the wall, because they simply do not know how to express their feelings in another way. This child needs teach to recognize emotions . A few examples: angry, frustrated, enraged, agitated, enraged, anxious, tense, nervous, restless, annoyed, enraged . When your child is angry, use these words so that he can apply them later: "You seem really angry, do you want to talk about it?", "You seem annoyed, do you want this to go away?"

To make the child behave differently, teach him to conduct an internal dialogue . Teach your child to say a simple affirmative phrase that he will repeat to himself in any stressful situation, for example: “stop and calm down”, “don't lose your temper”, “I can handle it”.

Teach your child to let go of anger . Invite the child to draw or write on a piece of paper what pisses him off, and then tear this sheet into small pieces and “throw out the anger.”

Learn technique with your child deep breathing . Sit next to the child, make yourself comfortable so that your back is even and rests on the back of the chair. While counting to five to yourself, inhale, hold your breath for two counts, then exhale slowly, also counting to five. Repeating this exercise will help you relax as much as possible. Formula "1+3+10". Tell your child the following: “As soon as you feel yourself getting angry, do three things. up to 10. Thus, it turns out 1 + 3 + 10. This will help you calm down and regain composure.

Unfortunately, it happens that old habits do not disappear. As a good parent, you cannot allow this anger and irritation to continue. Try to apply "penalties" (they must be age and deed appropriate) and make a contract with the child. "If you start again... you'll have to stand in the corner for five minutes."

And be consistent!

Step by step change plan for problem child behavior

Adult behavior is a good example for a child. Therefore, you need to start re-education by looking from the outside at your own ways of expressing anger. Here are some questions to help you. How did your parents deal with anger? How do you usually deal with anger? Does it work in your case? Are you a good example of managing your condition for your child? What about the rest of your family? What lessons can a child learn from these actions? How do you usually respond to your child's anger? Does it work? What would you like to change? Write down your thoughts and then make a plan to change it.

1. Analyze how well your child can control his emotions. The way our children act often speaks to the deeper causes of the problem. Here are some signs that your child needs more intense anger management efforts. Which of these characteristics would apply to your child?

Signs of irascibility

• inability to express feelings when angry.

• frequent outbursts of anger, even over small things.

• Difficulty bringing yourself back to normal when angry.

• development of anger into an attack (for example, with shouting, beating, swearing, etc.).

• Difficulty getting out of a frustrating situation.

• Frequent fights or beatings with other people.

• isolation and silence, lack of inclination to share experiences.

• a tendency to tell, describe, or draw scenes of violence or violent acts.

2. Try to observe the child's temper tantrums for a week. Keep a schedule of your anger on a calendar. Perhaps this will help you find out the causes of these seizures. What can you do to reduce their frequency? Write down your thoughts.

3. Note how the child behaves before the onset of a fit of anger. Write down your observations and then share them with your child to help him recognize signs of impending anger.

4. What are the likely sources of your child's anger? List them. What can be eliminated? What can be corrected? Plan a strategy to help your child deal with inevitable sources of anger.

5. Does your child have enough vocabulary to express his feelings? If not, consider how you can expand it.

6. Select an anger management strategy to be taught. Set days and times when you will use it, and keep using it until the child can do it without your help.

7. Unhealthy responses must be combated.

8. What punishments are you going to use to save him from misbehaving.

Anger is a completely natural emotion, but when it becomes a habit and begins to negatively affect the child's relationship with the family, with others, or when you notice sudden mood swings that are not associated with an illness, take action.