The Masterpiece Mom

Home » Misc » How to raise an empathetic child

How to raise an empathetic child


How to Help Your Child Develop Empathy

Yes, you can help your child be more empathetic! Try these practical tips to help infants and toddlers develop empathy and understand that others have different thoughts and feelings than they do.

Empathy is the ability to imagine how someone else is feeling in a particular situation and respond with care. This is a very complex skill to develop. Being able to empathize with another person means that a child:

  • Understands that he is a separate individual, his own person;
  • Understands that others can have different thoughts and feelings than he has;
  • Recognizes the common feelings that most people experience—happiness, surprise, anger, disappointment, sadness, etc.;
  • Is able to look at a particular situation (such as watching a peer saying good-bye to a parent at child care) and imagine how he—and therefore his friend—might feel in this moment; and
  • Can imagine what response might be appropriate or comforting in that particular situation—such as offering his friend a favorite toy or teddy bear to comfort her.

Milestones in Empathy

Understanding and showing empathy is the result of many social-emotional skills that are developing in the first years of life. Some especially important milestones include:

  1. Establishing a secure, strong, loving relationship with you is one of the first milestones. Feeling accepted and understood by you helps your child learn how to accept and understand others as he grows.
  2. Around 6 months old, babies start using social referencing. This is when a baby will look to a parent or other loved one to gauge his or her reaction to a person or situation. For example, a 7-month-old looks carefully at her father as he greets a visitor to their home to see if this new person is good and safe. The parent’s response to the visitor influences how the baby responds. (This is why parents are encouraged to be upbeat and reassuring—not anxiously hover—when saying good-bye to children at child care. It sends the message that “this is a good place” and “you will be okay. ”) Social referencing, or being sensitive to a parent’s reaction in new situations, helps the babies understand the world and the people around them.
  3. Between 18 and 24 months old, toddlers will be developing a theory of mind. This is when a toddler first realizes that, just as he has his own thoughts, feelings and goals, others have their own thoughts and ideas, and these may be different from his.
  4. Between 18 and 24 months, toddlers will start recognizing one’s self in a mirror. This signals that a child has a firm understanding of himself as a separate person.

What You Can Do To Help Toddlers Develop Empathy

Empathize with your child. For example, “Are you feeling scared of that dog? He is a nice dog but he is barking really loud. That can be scary. I will hold you until he walks by.”

Talk about others’ feelings. For example, “Kayla is feeling sad because you took her toy car. Please give Kayla back her car and then you choose another one to play with.”

Suggest how children can show empathy. For example, “Let’s get Jason some ice for his boo-boo.”

Read stories about feelings. Some suggestions include:

  • I Am Happy: A Touch and Feel Book of Feelings
  • My Many Colored Days by Dr. Seuss
  • How Are You Peeling by Saxton Freymann and Joost Elffers
  • Feelings by Aliki
  • The Feelings Book by Todd Parr
  • Baby Happy Baby Sad by Leslie Patricelli
  • Baby Faces by DK Publishing
  • When I Am/Cuando Estoy by Gladys Rosa-Mendoza

Be a role model. When you have strong, respectful relationships and interact with others in a kind and caring way, your child learns from your example.

Use “I” messages. This type of communication models the importance of self-awareness: I don’t like it when you hit me. It hurts.

Validate your child’s difficult emotions. Sometimes when our child is sad, angry, or disappointed, we rush to try and fix it right away, to make the feelings go away because we want to protect him from any pain. However, these feelings are part of life and ones that children need to learn to cope with. In fact, labeling and validating difficult feelings actually helps children learn to handle them: You are really mad that I turned off the TV. I understand. You love watching your animal show. It’s okay to feel mad. When you are done being mad you can choose to help me make a yummy lunch or play in the kitchen while mommy makes our sandwiches. This type of approach also helps children learn to empathize with others who are experiencing difficult feelings.

Use pretend play. Talk with older toddlers about feelings and empathy as you play. For example, you might have your child’s stuffed hippo say that he does not want to take turns with his friend, the stuffed pony. Then ask your child: How do you think pony feels? What should we tell this silly hippo?

Think through the use of “I’m sorry.” We often insist that our toddlers say “I’m sorry” as a way for them to take responsibility for their actions. But many toddlers don’t fully understand what these words mean. While it may feel “right” for them to say “I’m sorry”, it doesn’t necessarily help toddlers learn empathy. A more meaningful approach can be to help children focus on the other person’s feelings: Chandra, look at Sierra—she’s very sad. She’s crying. She’s rubbing her arm where you pushed her. Let’s see if she is okay. This helps children make the connection between the action (shoving) and the reaction (a friend who is sad and crying).

Be patient. Developing empathy takes time. Your child probably won’t be a perfectly empathetic being by age three. (There are some teenagers and even adults who haven’t mastered this skill completely either!) In fact, a big and very normal part of being a toddler is focusing on me, mine, and I. Remember, empathy is a complex skill and will continue to develop across your child’s life.

5 Tips for Cultivating Empathy — Making Caring Common

1. Empathize with your child and model empathy for others.

Children learn empathy both from watching us and from experiencing our empathy for them. When we empathize with our children they develop trusting, secure attachments with us. Those attachments are key to their wanting to adopt our values and to model our behavior, and therefore to building their empathy for others.

Empathizing with our children takes many forms, including tuning in to their physical and emotional needs, understanding and respecting their individual personalities, taking a genuine interest in their lives, and guiding them toward activities that reflect an understanding of the kind of people they are and the things they enjoy.

Children also learn empathy by watching those we notice and appreciate. They’ll notice if we treat a server in a restaurant or a mail carrier as if they’re invisible. On the positive side, they’ll notice if we welcome a new family in our child’s school or express concern about another child in our child’s class who is experiencing one challenge or another.

Finally, it’s important for us to recognize what might be getting in the way of our empathizing. Are we, for example, exhausted or stressed? Does our child push our buttons in a specific way that makes caring for her or him hard at times?

Try this

  • Know your child. Ask your child questions. For example, what did you learn today that was interesting? What was the hardest part of your day? How would you most like to spend a day if you could do anything? Do you have a friend that you especially respect? Why do your respect that person?

  • Demonstrate empathy for others, including those different from you. Consider regularly engaging in community service or model other ways of contributing to a community.  Even better, consider doing this with your child. Express interest in those from various backgrounds facing many different types of challenges.

  • Engage in self-care and self-reflection. Try to find time to regularly engage in an activity—whether it’s going for a walk, reading a book, meditating or praying—that can help you avoid being overwhelmed by stress. Reflect and consult with people you trust when you’re having a hard time empathizing with your child.

2. Make caring for others a priority and set high ethical expectations.

If children are to value others’ perspectives and show compassion for them, it’s very important that they hear from their parents that caring about others is a top priority, and that it is just as important as their own happiness. Even though most parents say that raising caring children is a top priority, often children aren't hearing that message.

Try this

  • Keep to a clear message. Consider the daily messages you send to children about the importance of caring. For example, instead of saying “The most important thing is that you’re happy,” you might say “The most important thing is that you’re kind and that you’re happy.”

  • Prioritize caring when you talk with other important adults in your children’s lives. For example, ask teachers and coaches whether your children are caring community members in addition to asking about their academic skills, grades, or performance.

  • Help your children understand that the world doesn't revolve around them. It’s vital at times for parents to put children’s concern for others above their happiness, for example, insisting at times that children turn off the TV and help around the house, be polite even when they are in a bad mood, or not dominate the airwaves when they are talking to other children or adults.

3. Provide opportunities for children to practice empathy.

Children are born with the capacity for empathy, but it needs to be nurtured throughout their lives. Learning empathy is in certain respects like learning a language or a sport. It requires practice and guidance. Regularly considering other people’s perspectives and circumstances helps make empathy a natural reflex and, through trial and error, helps children get better at tuning into others’ feelings and perspectives.

Try this

  • Have family meetings. Hold family meetings when there are family challenges or conflicts, and in those meetings give children a voice and encourage them to take the perspective of other family members. Listen carefully to your children’s views and ask your children to listen carefully to the views of others.

  • Encourage empathy for peers. Ask children about their classmates and other peers. Ask children when they’re in conflicts with peers to consider their peers’ perspectives.

  • Reflect on empathy and caring. Notice with your child when you’re together and someone exhibits strong empathy—or shows a lack of empathy—either in your daily life or in a book or on television. Discuss why acts of empathy are important and why lacking empathy can be harmful.

  • Discuss ethical dilemmas. Discuss with your child ethical dilemmas that help them appreciate various perspectives, e.g., “Should I invite a new neighbor to my birthday party when my best friend doesn't like her?” “Should I tell my friend if I know her boyfriend, who is also my friend, cheated on her?”

  • Support doing with. Encourage children not just to do service, to “do for” others, but to “do with” others, working with diverse groups of students to respond to community problems.

How to raise a caring and sensitive child - Child Development

All parents want their kids to grow up to be caring and sensitive people. Children are able to express these wonderful feelings and attitudes in different ways. For example, your seven-year-old daughter dreams of a pair of purple jeans. In search of such exotics, you go around several stores and suddenly stumble upon a rack of jeans with shades of pink, light blue and ... purple! Among them, your daughter finds jeans of her size. Suddenly, another girl comes up to the bar looking for a similar pair of the same size.

Unfortunately, there is only one pair of jeans in this unusual color in the store. Utterly disappointed and saddened, the girl turns around to leave with nothing. And then, to your great surprise (and delight), you hear your daughter say: “Girl, do you want this pair? Take it! And I'll take pink ones instead."

You end up buying your daughter a pair of pink jeans instead of the purple ones she wanted so badly, but she doesn't care a bit because she's glad she gave them to another girl. The child develops the ability to show sensitivity and care - just amazing!

When children show care and compassion, it is always amazing. Undoubtedly, it is necessary to instill in kids such a compassionate attitude from early childhood, but cultivating a sense of responsibility for one's actions, which is decisive at the same time, is a process that takes place gradually, starting in preschool and ending in senior school age.

Here are six proven tips for raising a caring child.

1. Encourage attention and care

Teach your child to be gentle and affectionate. Your child is happy to pick up a newborn baby, but it turns out somehow rude? Nothing, just be patient and show him the right way. Say, “You grab the baby a little harshly. Let's do it gently. Like this...". Then touch your child's hand and visually show him what a gentle touch looks like.

Speak softly. Your complacency will serve as an example to children of how to treat other people. When your child is in pain or not feeling well, give him your warmth and care: “Mom is very worried that you are not feeling well. Come on, you lie down on the sofa, we will wrap you up so that you become warm and comfortable and you can rest while I cook dinner.

2. Learn empathy by example

You and your family are out for dinner at a restaurant and the waitress brings you the wrong food. And although you've been waiting for your order for half an hour (and the kids are very hungry!), resist the temptation to shout: “What is this, really? This is absolutely not what we ordered!”.

Better show an example of patience and understanding. Say, “Sorry, my kids ordered chicken, not beef. Could you pick it up and bring back the dishes we ordered?" Then explain the situation to the children and ask them to put themselves in the place of another person (the waitress): “How do you think a person feels in such a fussy and troublesome job?”

3. Write original letters of thanks

In today's techno-crazy world, people usually use e-mail, SMS and social networks to express their thoughts. While this is all great, a handwritten note with nice sweet words is a great example of expressing gratitude.

When children receive a nice gift or unexpected help, ask them to write a personal thank you note. Ask them, "How would you feel if you spent a lot of time choosing the perfect gift for a friend and they didn't thank you?" and “How will your friend feel when they receive a very personal letter of thanks in the mail?”

If your child is still young, don't insist that he pick up a pen and write a note (even if he just thinks about how to express his gratitude, this is already a huge achievement). Just write the letter yourself and ask the kid to sign it.

4. Appreciate good deeds

When you see your son offering a friend half of his sandwich, pay attention to this and emphasize: "You did well for sharing your sandwich, although it was quite small." And add: “How do you think he felt when you shared with him?”.

Or, as in the case of purple jeans, you can say to your daughter: “Daughter, it's amazing that you gave the girl the last pair of jeans, although you wanted them so badly. How do you think she felt when she wore them to school for the first time?

This sows seeds of kindness that will grow in the future.

5. Volunteer activities

Parents may worry that their children's exposure to the harsh realities of life will be too traumatic for their fragile emotional sphere. But it turns out that when children see the suffering of other people, they begin to feel grateful for what they have and be proud that they can help someone.

A great way to involve children in volunteer activities is to help in the church before religious holidays, visit nursing homes and boarding schools. Children need to see charity as a responsibility, not as an option. If charity and volunteering become a habit in your family, children, when they grow up, will not only help disadvantaged people themselves, but also promote volunteer work among their friends and classmates. Your children will understand that not all babies are as well fed and receive the same love and care as they are.

6. Teach your children to be caring in friendships

One of the best opportunities for parents to teach their children about caring and empathy is during their daily playground activities:

  • Prevent children from calling other children names. Teaching compassion should begin by telling the child what is acceptable and what is not. For example, while your son was playing with another boy, you overheard your child call a friend "roar-cow." Of course, this is not a terrible insult and may even make you laugh, but instead of ignoring the incident, immediately intervene and tell the child that kindness towards others is the rule, and it is unacceptable to say hurtful words. If you intervene immediately, you make it clear to the child that kindness should come first, and name-calling is not allowed under any circumstances.
  • Celebrate kindness. When you notice your child offering a spatula to a friend in the sandbox, mark his actions with the phrase: "You were a good friend" or "You were a very good caregiver. " Over time, he will understand that helping a friend, sister, neighbor, and anyone else is something you appreciate.
  • Be careful. Although it is much easier to give out invitations to a child's birthday on the playground than to send them by mail or phone, explain to the child that children who are around and do not receive an invitation may be offended. Explain that while you can't invite all the children to the party, you can make sure that the children you don't invite don't feel offended. Make it clear to your child that the prudent way to resolve the situation is for no one to be offended. If you explain to a child why you are doing this and not otherwise, it will leave a lasting impression on him. And in the future, he will hopefully behave in the same way as you do in a similar situation.

Read online “Sensitive children. How to develop empathy in a child and how this will help him succeed in life, Michele Borba - LitRes

Published with permission from Michele Borba Inc. , with the assistance of Joelle Delbourgo Associates, Inc.

Scientific editor Marina Bityanova

All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the copyright holders.

© Michel Borba, 2016.

© Russian translation, Russian edition, layout. LLC Mann, Ivanov and Ferber, 2021

⁂

A little over ten years ago, after I gave a lecture on empathy, a man approached me. He showed a photo of his son and said that he hanged himself after a long persecution. My father asked me to remind him of the importance of empathy more often. "If those boys could be compassionate, my son would still be alive." This book is my way of keeping my promise to this father and to all children who have been touched by peer abuse.


Foreword. The hidden benefits of empathy and why it is important for a child

Is there a greater miracle than the opportunity to look at the world through someone else's eyes, even for a second?

HENRY DAVID TORO

In the early 1990s, distinguished journalist John Wallock founded the international summer camp Seeds of Peace [1] in Otisfield, Maine. Wallock has been writing about conflict in the Middle East for many years and concluded that the only way to break the vicious cycle of violence is to teach children from the military and other regions how to peacefully resolve conflicts. He hoped that by teaching children the skills of cooperation, communication and peacemaking from an early age, he would change the course of international negotiations for the better.

Over the past thirty years, the organizers have taken dozens of children from Palestine, Israel, Egypt, Jordan, Pakistan, Afghanistan, India, Britain and the United States every summer and trained them as future peacemakers and agents of change. Most considered Wallock's ideas idealistic and unworkable, but by the end of the three-week shift, enemies who were supposed to hate and fear each other became friends.

Researchers from the University of Chicago interviewed hundreds of teenagers just before they arrived at camp, immediately after, and again nine months after returning home. It turned out that a significant proportion of young Palestinians and Israelis looked more positively at "enemies" and trusted them more not only after leaving the camp, but also a year later [2] . Moreover, many have dedicated themselves to peacekeeping. Wallock's dreams come true because his approach is based on empathy.

I went to the camp in Maine and talked with guys from different countries, their curators and observed. Everything I saw—the atmosphere, the activities, the interactions with adults, and the skills taught—contributed to strengthening interpersonal connections and developing empathy.

“We create an environment where all barriers, so to speak, collapse: children are ready to try something new, knowing that those around them will support them [3] , said Leslie Levin, chief executive. “Empathy is the foundation of Seeds of Peace .”

Teenagers eat, sleep, socialize and spend time together. In team building, they are taught to count on each other and look for solutions together. Short talks are also held daily in the camp, where children understand how to take into account the thoughts and feelings of others. When they sit face to face and share their worries with the "other side", prejudice dissipates and fear is replaced by understanding. Gradually, they begin to see and feel the world from someone else's point of view and eventually can "perceive it from the perspective of another person and know exactly what he feels and why" [4] . This is empathy. It unites the minds and hearts of people from different cultures and generations and transforms our lives [5] . This is exactly what happens at summer camp. Teenagers take advantage of empathy, and it will influence their thoughts, feelings, and actions for the rest of their lives.

“After this camp, it is impossible not to change,” a refugee from Somalia shared with me. - When you see that others have the same worries and fears, you begin to sympathize with them and everything inside turns over. You become a different person forever."

“Because of everything that was hammered into my head since childhood, I considered them [Israelis] enemies,” said the young Palestinian. “But then I realized that they want peace as much as we do… and that they are the same people” [6] .

This moment has rewarded me for thirty years of research and travel around the world in search of answers. Empathy can be instilled, it is made up of habits that need to be developed and reinforced. Empathy gives children the foundation to live up to an important truth: we are all human, we share the same fears and concerns, and we all deserve respect.

"What do children need to be happy and successful?" hundreds of parents asked me, and my answer surprised everyone: “Empathy.” Sympathy is far from being a lisp, as some people think. It plays an unexpectedly important role in happiness and success. The problem is that moms, dads, and society in general underestimate empathy and therefore put it at the bottom of the list of necessary qualities.

This book contains a revolutionary yet simple idea that can transform children's lives. It lies in the fact that empathy is not a pleasant addition to development, but an integral part of the present and future happiness, success and well-being of children. And many researchers are beginning to understand that it is not given from birth. We are programmed by nature to care for each other, but we do not come into this world empathic - just as we do not immediately know that 2 + 2 = 4 or who is the current president. Empathy can and should be taught by parents and educators. Moreover, children themselves can cultivate and improve it, like the ability to ride a bicycle or knowledge of a foreign language. As I will discuss later, empathy includes nine qualities.

With practice, their use becomes a habit that will remain with the child for life and help him to maintain sensitivity.

But why do our children need empathy? First of all, it affects their health, well-being, happiness, satisfaction in relationships and the ability to quickly cope with life's challenges [7] . It promotes kindness, prosocial behavior, moral courage [8] and serves as an inoculation against bullying, aggression, prejudice and racism [9] . Empathy also has a positive effect on reading skills, math grades [10] , critical thinking [11] , prepares the child for life in a globalized world and helps to find a job. That's why Forbes encourages companies to embrace empathy, Harvard Business Review lists empathy as "a key to leadership success and performance" [12] , and the Medical College Association of America lists it as "a key learning goal" [13] . Today, empathy is equated with success in life, and its benefits will give a child the necessary resource to live a full, productive, and happy life and succeed in a challenging new world.

Empathy is at the root of everything that makes a society civilized, but most importantly, it helps children grow up to be worthy people. In recent years, children have become less able to care for others, and narcissism has skyrocketed, calling humanity into question. Society has placed "I" higher than "we".

The rise of the selfie syndrome and the decline of empathy

Selfies are all the rage. Everyone endlessly takes pictures of themselves and publishes them on social networks, collecting “likes” and approvals for them. The word “selfie” has gained popularity so quickly (its use has grown by 17,000% in a year, and Google has more than 230 million searches) that the Oxford Dictionary has chosen it as “the word of 2014”. In a review of books published after 1960, there is a sharp increase in the use of the word "I" and its derivatives, and in every possible way emphasizes the uniqueness of the individual and his superiority over the rest ("I am first", "I can do anything", etc.) [14] .

And all this digital madness seeps into the real world, changing behavior and creating an arrogant, competitive and self-absorbed breed of mavericks.

I call this craving for narcissism the selfie syndrome. This is self-promotion, personal branding and self-obsession with no regard for other people's feelings, needs and interests. The selfie syndrome has permeated modern culture and is eating away at the character of our children.

Self-admiration destroys empathy, the basis of humanity, therefore it is necessary to switch the focus of children from “I, me, mine” to “we, us, ours”. There are four reasons for concern.

1. The youth of today are experiencing a marked decline in empathy. All these selfies (and the culture of narcissism they represent) are doing irreparable harm to today's young people, and this is evident in the growth of narcissism among students [15] . They are only interested in one thing - how to snatch all the best for themselves. "If I ruled the world, everything would be much better", " I always know what I'm doing", " I will not rest until I get what I deserve." Narcissism would not inspire anxiety if interest in others grew in proportion to it, but this does not happen [16] . In adolescents, empathy is 40% lower than thirty years ago, and narcissism is 58% higher [17] .

2. There has been a marked increase in cruelty towards peers. Empathy is on the wane, aggression and bullying are intensifying, and the aggressors see the victim as an object, not a person. According to one study, youth bullying increased by a whopping 52% in just four years (from 2003 to 2007), and we are now seeing it as early as three year olds 90,120 [18] . A 2014 study found a threefold increase in cyberbullying in just the year [19] . Peer violence has escalated to the point of negatively impacting mental health, with one in five high school students contemplating suicide as an escape from bullying [20] .

Legislators are so concerned about this that all fifty US states have anti-bullying policies. Bullying can be unlearned, and empathy is the best antidote. If you can imagine what the victim is going through, you don't want to torture her.

3. Experts note that young people are increasingly inclined to cheat, and their moral responsibility is decreasing. Children, whose attitude towards themselves is shaped by care and social responsibility, are more attentive to the needs of others, and the decline in their proportion now is another cause for concern. Among adults, 60% [21] consider the lack of moral values ​​to be a nationwide problem. Over the past twenty years, the moral character of children has deteriorated, and 72% of Americans believe that "it's only getting worse" [22] : the vast majority of students say that “if you don’t cheat, you won’t achieve anything”, and 70% admitted that they cheated [23] . Not surprisingly, the propensity to cheat is on the rise, and recent graduates are only interested in personal gain, not what is best for everyone [24] . Empathy will help correct the situation, but empathy alone is not enough: in order to make the right ethical choice, a moral core is needed.

4. A network culture that puts pressure on the individual leads to an increase in mental illness among young people. One in five [25] young Americans had or have symptoms of a psychological disorder [26] , [27] . Teenagers now have higher levels of stress than adults [28] . The well-being of our children is at stake – as well as their empathy. It decreases as anxiety increases: it is difficult to sympathize with others while in the “survival mode” that many teenagers are in. This creates the so-called empathy gap [29] .

The younger generation is smart and self-confident, but never before have such self-centeredness, discouragement and stress levels been observed at this age.

In order for children to grow up caring, happy and successful, it is necessary to radically change the approach to education and training, based on the latest scientific data. In this book, I offer a change plan and the best proven strategies for parents and educators alike.

Developing Empathy

So how can parents, teachers, educators and children's advocates stop the negative trend and influence the level of empathy in childhood? What contributes to this and what hinders it? What are the latest scientific discoveries that will help grow healthy, happy, successful and sympathetic people? I care about these questions, and over the past ten years I have traveled the world in search of answers.

All my life I have been teaching empathy to children and explaining to adults how to do it. I started as a school teacher and worked with children from different families, each of whom overcame their own difficulties. As a result, the desire to help children led me to a doctoral program in educational psychology and counseling. While I was writing my dissertation and interviewing hundreds of preschoolers to assess their ability to recognize emotions, I became interested in developing children's emotional and social skills. The phrase of one four-year-old turned my life upside down: "I want to be good, but my mother does not teach me how." Verily, the truth speaks through the mouth of a child! In order for a child to be empathic, courageous and responsive, he must be taught this.

After that, I traveled a lot, met with prominent researchers from major universities, observed the use of advanced methods, and it was very educational. The Pentagon invited me to consult and conduct trainings for school psychologists and educators from eighteen foreign US military bases. I have taught courses to hundreds of parents and teachers across six continents, appeared on the Today TV show 135 times covering the latest in child development, and written more than two dozen books.

The idea for this book came about when I realized how important it is for all of us to develop empathy. This moment happened more than ten years ago when I was in the Cambodian "killing fields" near Phnom Penh, where a million people were brutally massacred. It shocked me to the core. All my thoughts were only about what could cause such inhumanity and how to make sure that this does not happen again. For ten years I have been looking for an answer. During this time, I visited other places where incomprehensibly terrible events took place: Dachau, Auschwitz, Armenia and Rwanda. There I learned that genocide is usually caused by a complete lack of empathy. I studied youth violence and school shootings. I learned that warm, cordial relationships and the development of kindness in childhood reduce the level of cruelty. I wrote the "End Violence and Bullying in Schools" plan, now legislated in California. In it, I stressed the need for teaching empathy. (I knew I was on the right track when I received a commendation from a teenager who said, "This could keep my brother out of jail. Children need to be taught empathy.") I have developed methods to reduce bullying and have trained hundreds of teachers and police officers. I also came up with a way to awaken compassion in children and make them "intercessors", which I talked about on the TV show Dateline [30] (details in chapter 8).

All of this has helped me develop powerful yet simple ways that parents, teachers, psychologists, and just concerned people can "build up the empathy muscles" in children. In Armenia, eight-year-olds played chess to learn to put themselves in the place of another. Disadvantaged children in Long Beach, California filmed hospice patients and edited memorabilia films for their loved ones. In Canada, third graders are learning emotional literacy with the help of babies. In San Diego, four-year-olds try on adult roles to understand how their parents feel. Israeli and Palestinian teenagers seek mutual understanding in a camp in Maine.

Research and my personal experience confirm that empathy can be developed and changes children. Wherever they live, the most effective methods are strong experiences that excite children's hearts and occur with the participation of adults. We can and should help our sons and daughters become good people. Not developing empathy in children is like giving up on them completely.

But nothing, absolutely nothing, has made me feel more strongly about the importance of empathy than raising three sons. Now they are already adults, but most of all I am proud of the fact that I taught them to be kind for a reason. I am sure that this quality has given my children - and can give yours - all the advantages for a healthy, happy and successful life, especially in today's digital world of competing mavericks.

The path to awareness begins with empathy. Children need its advantages in order to succeed always and in all areas of life.

How to Use the Book

Empathetic children are better able to navigate their inevitable emotional and ethical quandaries through nine habits. They help manage impulses of empathy and encourage others to help. All nine can be mastered and their effectiveness has been confirmed by recent research in child development, neuroscience and social psychology. In the book, I offer a scheme for acquiring these qualities, through which they will remain in the child forever and he will receive all the benefits of empathy.

In the first part, you will learn how to help your child develop the first four components of empathy:

• emotional literacy to recognize and understand their own and others' feelings and needs;

• moral identity to learn the values ​​of empathy and show empathy for others;

• the ability to put yourself in the place of another person in order to understand other people's feelings, thoughts and opinions;

• moral imagination [31] so that the child learns compassion from books, films and pictures.

The second part is devoted to the practice of empathic habits.

• By being able to manage emotions , the child will be able to control himself and reduce personal distress [32] in order to help others.

• By showing kindness , the child will begin to care about the welfare and feelings of others.

• Collaborating , the child will learn to work in a team and achieve common goals.

In the third part, we will look at how to live empathically.

• Moral Courage will spur the child to speak his mind, intervene and help others.

• 's altruistic leadership skills motivate him to change society for the better, even if it's just a small change.

Our goal is to help the child acquire empathic qualities so that they stay with him forever. Choose one skill for a month and practice for a few minutes a day until it becomes a habit. Even better, do it with the whole family. Remind your child, “It’s like learning to play the guitar, football, or the multiplication table: the longer you do good deeds, the kinder you become. ”

Empathy begins with communication

While working on the book, I gained a lot of experience. However, one case stands out, and it confirms how important face-to-face communication is for empathy. I was in Rwanda, in a shelter for deaf children abandoned by their parents. Their grandparents died during the genocide. I gave them gifts: backpacks with a pencil, a ruler, a pack of gum, a notepad, some candy, and a letter from an American child. Children rejoiced at the gifts and checked the contents of the backpacks with interest.

But one boy did not calm down in any way: he had already taken everything out and laid it out on the table, but continued to look for something. Another pencil? Candy? Another line? No, something else. And suddenly found: a letter. He grabbed it, sniffed it, and carefully unwrapped it. I moved over and read with him:

“Hello. My name is Jacob. I am ten years old and I live in Minnesota. I looked on the map where Kigali is located, where you live. When I put things in a backpack, I thought of you. I hope you all enjoy it. Have a good day.

Your new friend from America, Jacob.

The boy savored every word and read the letter over and over again. Then he put it to his chest, hugged him tightly and wept. He looked at me, pointed to his tears (and then to mine), wrote the word “love” with his finger in the air and pointed to the letter as if it were the most valuable thing he had. This wonderful child was simply pleased to know that someone was thinking about him. All the children of the world need it.

I would very much like Jacob to see the impression his words made. He would immediately understand how empathy changes lives.

Part one. Developing Empathy

Self-admiration in all its forms destroys empathy and even more so compassion. When we focus on ourselves, the whole world shrinks to the scale of our problems and worries, and they, in turn, grow. But when we pay attention to others, the world gets bigger.

Chapter 1 Empathic children can recognize feelings. Teaching emotional literacy

While I was working as a counselor in Fort McMurray in northern Alberta, Canada, the superintendent for the school district advised me, "Go to third grade, we have a great method of teaching emotional literacy." The next day, I joined twenty-six 8- and 9-year-olds. They sat around a large green blanket and waited for their unusual teacher. “I wonder if he will smile today?” one boy asked. “I hope he will be glad to see us,” replied another. “Sit still, otherwise you will scare him,” the girl ordered. “Joshua needs to get used to us.”

I assured the students that I would also behave well. A woman with a child entered the classroom, and the children sang a welcome song: “Hi, little Joshua, how are you? Hey little Joshua, what's new today?

The baby's mother, a program volunteer, put her son on the blanket. This was Joshua's third visit since the start of the school year, and the kids were amazed at how much he had changed in just a few weeks! Mary Gordon's Roots of Empathy program planned six more such meetings. A non-verbal 7-month-old gave a brilliant 40-minute emotional literacy lesson!

The students read and interpreted Joshua's emotions by observing his facial expressions, body language, and sounds.

"How do you think Joshua is feeling today?" – the specially trained instructor of the program asked the children. This formulation helped the students name the baby's emotions and understand their own. “And why you are annoyed? And when do you get upset?"

Then the instructor asked the children about other people's feelings: “How do you know when the other person is upset? How to help a friend if he is worried?

The students analyzed, observed and reflected on emotional states - a perfect example of empathy towards another! Then the instructor suggested that the class take a closer look at the child. “Joshua can't say what he wants, but he can show it with his body language. What is he thinking about?"

"He is studying us," said one student. “Look carefully,” the instructor replied. How does he feel, do you think? “Probably worried,” another student replied. “Look,” someone exclaimed, “he clenched his fists.”

"Let's give him a smile so he knows everything is fine!" Everyone broke into smiles like Cheshire cats. And not in vain: seeing the benevolent faces, Joshua smiled back. “Joshua is learning empathy,” the boy next to me whispered.

I agreed with him, but little Joshua wasn't the only one who learned to share other people's feelings. A seven-month-old baby showed twenty-six schoolchildren how to recognize feelings, consider the needs of others, and be kinder. A great way to demonstrate what empathy is.

Since then, I have attended several Roots of Empathy classes and have had very fruitful interactions with dozens of instructors, parents, and teachers. An ingenious way was found to show children how to be kinder, and this is confirmed by the comments of schoolchildren.

“In the program, I learned that everyone has different feelings and you need to respect someone else's individuality,” said a ten-year-old girl. An 11-year-old boy came to a similar conclusion: “In the program, I was taught that even if people are different from us on the outside, this does not mean that they are not like us on the inside.” [33] .

Since 2000, comparative and randomized controlled trials have evaluated behavioral changes before and after participation in the Roots of Empathy program. Independent tests were carried out on three continents. In a large University of British Columbia study, when comparing program participants with a control group, "proactive aggression" (cold-blooded pressure to get what you want) decreased by 88% [34] . Undoubtedly, this is a phenomenal achievement - especially in the context of school bullying. Does the program really develop empathic skills in children? In search of a solution, I arranged a meeting with its creator [35] .

Roots of Empathy was founded in 1996 by Mary Gordon, a sweet, charming Newfoundland woman with a soft voice. She started out as a kindergarten teacher. She came up with the idea for the program in response to the manifestations of violence against children that she noticed while working with families. “The realization of the devastating consequences of violence in the lives of children ‹…› made me do it” [36] .

Gordon also noticed that a baby can change the life of another child and told me about a boy named Darren. He studied in the eighth grade, stayed twice in the second year and therefore was older than his classmates. Darren's mother was killed in front of him when he was four years old, and he wandered around orphanages. He showed everyone that he was cool - a shaved head with a tattoo, and a tail above it - but deep down he was vulnerable.

During one of the programs in Darren's class, six-month-old Evan's mother told him that he didn't like to cuddle. To everyone's surprise, Darren asked permission to take the baby in his arms. Mother was worried, but allowed. “Darren took him to a corner and rocked him for a few minutes,” Gordon said. “Then he came back and asked the woman: “Do you think I can become a good father if no one loved me?”

Gordon realized that indifference, care and humanity are connected with the kind of relationships a child develops in childhood. It occurred to her that empathy must be felt in order to learn how to show it. And for this you need to be able to describe your feelings to others. Since her students weren't getting enough empathic experience at home, she decided to give them an opportunity in the classroom by inviting a mother and baby.

Gordon talked a lot about emotional literacy: “This is as important as being able to read. Not being aware of our own feelings, not being able to find words for them and understand how others feel, we are alone. That is why we teach children emotional literacy: we teach them to name their feelings while interacting with toddlers.” Mary Gordon found the perfect way to teach a child to recognize, interpret and share the feelings of others using the example of babies.

More than 800,000 children from ten countries have gone through the Roots of Empathy and activities with toddlers. I visited Maury Elementary School, one of five in Washington where the program runs. The results are very noticeable, especially among ten-year-olds. Kane is one of the children taking part in the program. He lives in the poorest and most disadvantaged area, and he is not allowed to walk after school (some children are afraid of Kane). According to him, in the early years at school, "not everything went smoothly."

“Everyone wasn't so nice before, but now it's different,” he said. "And how did it happen?" I asked. “When they brought the little one, everything changed. Have become kinder, or something, - answered Kane. “When there is empathy, it is easier to be good” [37] .

1. Seeds of Peace is a non-profit organization whose goal is to help young people from war zones to understand each other better. Here and below: Approx. scientific ed.

Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen . Peace Through Friendship // New York Times. - August 22, 2014. - http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/24/opinion/sunday/peace-through-friendship.html; Juliana Schroeder, Jane L. Risen . Befriending the Enemy: Outgroup Friendship Longitudinally Predicts Intergroup Attitudes in a Coexistence Program for Israelis and Palestinians // Group Processes & Intergroup Relations. July 28, 2014 http://gpi.sagepub.com/content/early/2014/07/25/1368430214542257.abstract.

3. Quoted from the author's interview with Leslie Levin, June 3, 2015, New York, Seeds of Peace office.

4. Quoted from: Barbara Gottschalk. The Enemy Has a Face; cited by John Wallace. - Washington, DC: United States Institute of Peace Press, 2000. - P. 2.

5. Maia Szalavitz, Bruce Perry. Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential – and Endangered. - New York: William Morrow, 2010. - P. 12.

Corinne Segan . Viewpoint from the West Bank: "We Are All Humans" // PBS NewsHour Extra. – August 26, 2014. – http://www.pbs.org/newshour/extra/student_voices/viewpoint-from-the-west-bank-we-are-all-humans/.

7. J. Block-Lerner, C. Adair, J. C. Plumb, D. L. Rhatigan, S. M. Orsillo. The Case for Mindfulness-Based Approaches in the Cultivation of Empathy: Does Nonjudgmental, Present-Moment Awareness Increase Capacity for Perspective-Taking and Empathic Concern? // Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 33. – No. 4 (October 2007). – P. 501–516; Myriam Mongrain, Jacqueline M. Chin, Leah B. Shapira. Practicing Compassion Increases Happiness and Self-Esteem // Journal of Happiness Studies 12. – No. 6 (December 2011). – P. 963–981.

8. Mary Gordon. Roots of Empathy Program // Journal of Happiness Studies 12. – No. 6 (December 2011). – P. 963–981; Reduces racism: Gordon Allport. The Nature of Prejudice. - New York: Perseus Books, 1979. - P. 434; Andrew R. Todd, Galen V. Bodenhausen, Jennifer A. Richeson, Adam D. Galinsky. Perspective Taking Combats Automatic Expressions of Racial Bias // Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 100. - No. 6 (June 2011). – P. 1027–1042. Samuel P. Oliner, Pearl M. Oliner. The Altruistic Personality: Rescuers of Jews in Nazi Europe. – New York: Touchstone, 1992; Eva Fogelman. Conscience and Courage: Rescuers of Jews During the Holocaust. – New York: Random House, 2011.

9. Mary Gordon. Roots of Empathy // Journal of Happiness Studies.

PRWeb.com Newswire. New Research from Momentous Institute Shows Empathy Predicts Academic Performance // Digital Journal. – October 13, 2014. – http://www.digitaljournal.com/pr/2252070. Saga Briggs. How Empathy Affects Learning, and How to Cultivate It in Your Students // informED. - November 1, 2014. - http://www.opencolleges.edu/au/informed/features/empathy-and-learning/, accessed Nov. 23, 2014.

12. Daniel Goleman. What Makes a Leader? // Harvard Business Review OnPoint. – Summer 2014. – P. 24–33.

13. Kathy A. Stepien, Amy Baernstein. Educating for Empathy // Journal of General Internal Medicine 21. – No. 5 (May 2006). - P. 524-530.

Jean M. Twenge, W. Keith Campbell, Brittany Gentile . Increases in Individualistic Words and Phrases in American Books, 1960–2008 // PLoS ONE 7. – No. 7 (2012). – e40181. – doi: 10.1371/journal.pone.0040181.

15. J. Twenge, J. Foster. Mapping the Scale of the Narcissism Epidemic: Increases in Narcissim 2002–2007 within Ethnic Groups // Journal of Research in Personality 42. – No. 6 (2008). – P. 1619–1622; J. Twenge, S. Konrath, J. Foster, W. K. Campbell, B. Bushman. Egos Inflating over Time: A Cross-Temporal Meta-Analysis of the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, 2008 // Journal of Personality 76. - No. 4 (August 2008). P. 875–901.

16. S. Konrath. The Empathy Paradox: Increasing Disconnection in the Age of Increasing Connection // Handbook of Research on Technoself: Identity in a Technological Society / Rocci Luppicini, ed. - Hershey, PA: IGI Global, 2012. - P. 204–228.

17. College students have 40% less empathy than 30 years ago. The study, led by Sarah Konrath of the University of Michigan, followed 72 college students over the past thirty years. The results are published online: Personality and Social Psychology Review. Empathy: College Students Don’t Have as Much as They Used To, Study Finds // ScienceDaily. – May 29, 2010.

Rashmi Shetgiri, Hua Lin, Glenn Flores . Is There a Bullying Epidemic? Trends in Risk and Protective Factors for Bullying in the US // E-PAS20110825.5. – May 1, 2011. A telephone survey using randomly generated numbers was conducted in a nationally representative sample among parents of children aged 10–17. "Constant" bullying was defined as "rarely/sometimes/usually/always" and "frequent" bullying as "sometimes/usually/always". The results were trended between 2003 and 2007 and found that in 2003, 23% of children were regularly bullied, and in 2007 almost one in six (15%) were often bullied. http://www.abstracts2views.com/pas/view.php?nu=PAS11L1_965. Wes Hosking. Bullying Behavior Starting in Children as Young as Three // Herald Sun. - August 5, 2014

19. Survey: McAfee 2014 Teens and the Screen Study: Exploring Online Privacy, Social Networking and Cyberbullying. The study examined the online behavior and social media habits of adolescents and preteens.

20. Sameer Hinduja, Justin W. Patchin. Bullying, Cyberbullying and Suicide // Archives of Suicide Research 14. – No. 3 (2010). - P. 206-221. The survey involved about 2,000 randomly selected high school students from the most densely populated areas of the United States. Victims of cyberbullying were twice as likely to attempt suicide compared to those who were not cyberbullyed. Any form of bullying increased suicidal thoughts among the sample respondents. It also turned out that victimization in bullying and cyberbullying is more likely to contribute to the emergence of suicidal thoughts and behavior than the abusive acts themselves.

Six out of ten American adults called the inability of young people to learn the basic moral values: honesty, respect and responsibility to society "a very serious problem." Public Agenda: Americans Deeply Troubled About Nation's Youth; Even Young Children Described by Majority in Negative Terms // press Release. - June 26, 1997. - http://www.publicagenda.org. Justin McCarthy . Majority in US Still Say Moral Values ​​Getting Worse // Gallup. - June 2, 2015. - http://www.gallup.com/poll/183467/majority-say-moral-values-getting-worse.aspx. International Center for Academic Integrity. The Academic Integrity Policy. – http://www.academicintegrity.org/icai/assets/policy-and-hearing-information_.pdf, accessed January 4, 2016.

24. S. Thoma, M. Bebeau. Moral Judgment Competency Is Declining Over Time: Evidence from 20 Years of Defining Issues Test Data. Presented by American Educational Research Association, 2008.

25. K. R. Merikangas et al. Lifetime Prevalence of Mental Disorders in U.S. Adolescents: Results from the National Comorbidity Survey Replication – Adolescent Supplement (NCS-A) // Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry 49. – No. 10 (October 2010). – P. 980–989.

26. Melissa Healy. Mental Illness in Youth: A Common Struggle // Los Angeles Times. - May 19, 2013. - P. 16A.

27. In Russia, according to WHO statistics, depression is diagnosed in every tenth teenager, which is similar to global trends.

American Psychological Association. American Psychological Association Survey Shows Teen Stress Rivals That of Adults. - February 11, 2014. - http://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2014/02/teen-stress.aspx.

29. Under the "gap of empathy" is understood the state of people when they feel someone else's pain, but do nothing.

30. Weekly American television magazine news/reality show that airs on NBC.

31. Moral imagination - the ability to imagine the thoughts and feelings of other people.

Learn more