Why is bonding with your baby important

The Importance of Infant Bonding

When a caregiver consistently responds to an infant’s needs, it sets the stage for the growing child to enter healthy relationships with other people throughout life and to appropriately experience and express a full range of emotions.

By Mary Beth Steinfeld, M.D. 

The process of bonding with a new baby is natural for most mothers. Left alone, new mothers will hold their baby next to their bodies, rock them gently, strive for eye contact, sing or talk to the baby and begin to nurse. Often within just hours of birth, mothers report feelings of overwhelming love and attachment for their new baby.

A normal, full-term baby is also programmed to initiate and enter into a bonding relationship. Crying and making other noises, smiling, searching for the breast, and seeking eye contact give cues for a caring adult to respond.

When a caregiver consistently responds to an infant’s needs, a trusting relationship and lifelong attachment develops. This sets the stage for the growing child to enter healthy relationships with other people throughout life and to appropriately experience and express a full range of emotions.

An optimum opportunity

Dr. Steinfeld is a developmental and behavioral pediatrician at UC Davis Medical Center and UC Davis Children's Hospital in Sacramento.

But what happens when things don’t work out so well? What if babies and their mothers are separated at birth, as when babies are premature or ill and need special care? Or babies who are placed for adoption and may not meet their adoptive mother for quite some time after birth? Sometimes a new mother feels depressed or incapacitated after delivery and doesn’t feel like interacting with her newborn.

Fortunately, humans are not completely dependent on those early moments and have many opportunities to bond appropriately throughout the first year of life. We know that mothers who adopt babies and even older children are able to form normal attachment relationships.

Still, the first few days of life are believed to offer an optimum opportunity for bonding to take place. Standard practice in most U.S. hospitals allows mothers and babies as much time as possible together after birth. Even when babies are born ill or premature, the importance of bonding is recognized. Whenever possible, health care providers in intensive care units try to create opportunities for parents to spend time holding and caring for their babies.

Dads and siblings, too

Babies who are held and comforted when they need it during the first six months of life tend to be more secure and confident as toddlers and older children.

Is it important for fathers to bond with their babies? Absolutely. New fathers often feel less confident than new mothers around a baby, and may feel excluded in the close relationship that develops between the mother and baby. If a baby is breastfed, fathers may be uncertain about what activities they can engage in with the new baby.

Like mothers, fathers need quiet time to spend holding their new babies close, gazing into their eyes, talking to them and comforting them when distressed. Fathers may wish to take walks with their babies tucked into a Snugli-type carrier or simply hold a quiet baby while reading or watching TV.

Brothers and sisters also need time and opportunities to establish a relationship with a new baby. You might offer young children who are too unreliable to hold a baby safely to have brief, supervised periods playing next to a brother or sister in a large crib or playpen. Such times often elicit unique responses of excitement and joy from the baby and allow loving relationships to develop successfully.

The 'spoiling' myth

While bonding does not occur instantly for everyone, it should be well established within the first few months after you bring your baby home.

The importance of bonding with the primary caregiver cannot be overestimated. Failure to do so profoundly affects future development and the ability to form healthy relationships as an adult.

I urge parents to give themselves plenty of time with their baby and to follow their instincts. Respond to the baby’s cues, and offer love and comfort when distressed.

Contrary to the “wisdom” in past generations, responding quickly to crying with holding and nursing will not “spoil” a baby. Instead, babies who are held and comforted when they need it during the first six months of life tend to be more secure and confident as toddlers and older children.  

Seek help if you feel that bonding is not progressing as it should. While bonding does not occur instantly for everyone, it should be well established within the first few months after you bring your baby home. For any problem with your baby, ask your physician for help if you feel there is something wrong.

Bonding with your baby | Pregnancy Birth and Baby

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How do babies form attachments?

Attachment is when a baby and caregiver form a strong connection with each other, emotionally and physically.

Bonding with your baby is important. It helps to release hormones and chemicals in the brain that encourage rapid brain growth. Bonding also promotes the development of connections between brain cells that are critical for learning; the growth of your baby's body; and the positive development of your baby's sense of who they are and how they deal with feeling upset.

Newborns don't know what they need. They have to be helped by a caregiver who will calmly respond to their physical needs and also provide plenty of love.

Who do babies form attachments to?

Babies usually attach to their main caregiver, but they can certainly bond with other people.

It's usual for a baby to attach to their mother, since by about week 31, a baby can recognise and be soothed by the mother's voice while in the womb. By the time they're born, newborns can even recognise some sounds of their mother's native language.

The father, grandparents and significant childcare workers can also bond with a baby. This is particularly important if a mother is finding it difficult to form an attachment, is depressed, or there is some other reason why she can't pay full attention to her baby.

If you are the baby's mum, and they form attachments with other important people, this does not mean your baby will be less attached to you. It helps your baby to learn about being close to people.

How do I bond with my baby?

When you respond to your newborn's needs, you will probably start seeing behaviour or signals that show that he or she is attached to you. These will depend on their age and level of development and could include:

• making eye contact with you
• smiling, cooing, laughing or making other noises directed at you
• holding out their arms to you
• crawling after you
• copying you
• crying for what they need while looking at you
• looking interested in something you're doing

Responding to your baby

You can't spoil a baby by giving them too much attention. They need you to help them with the things they can't do for themselves — whether it's changing their nappy, helping alleviate their pain or hunger, providing warmth, or giving them plenty of affection and play. Responding to what they want and need builds their trust in you, and helps them feel confident.

Mothers are biologically designed to act when their babies cry so you may feel anxious if you can't respond to your baby straight away. If you can see that your baby has everything they need and are safe, reassure them that you'll be there as soon as you can. When you're with your baby again, calmly sooth and comfort them.

Ways to bond with your baby

Here are some bonding techniques you can try:

• Learn to read your baby's cues and signals to you and let your baby know you understand.
• Copy your baby's noises or signals, then wait for your baby to respond before continuing.
• Once you have learned what your baby likes, do it regularly.
• Start new activities gently, rather than abruptly, and talk calmly about what you're doing.
• Soothe and cuddle your baby when they're upset.
• Hold your baby on the left side of your chest, so they can hear your heartbeat.
• Provide skin-to-skin contact (for example, while breastfeeding). You could also massage your baby.
• Smile and laugh while looking into your baby's eyes.
• Talk, sing, read books and play simple games together.
• Bathe your baby before bed.

What if I'm not bonding with my baby?

Some parents experience an instant connection to their baby within the first 24 hours after birth and describe it as an overwhelming feeling of love and protectiveness.

Don't worry if you don't feel this straight away. Although attachment is important for your baby, relationships can sometimes take a while to grow and you may find that it takes you days, weeks or even months to bond with your baby.

Communicate regularly with family members and friends and don't put extra pressure on yourself. The lack of a strong, initial bond does not mean you're not a 'natural' parent.

If you suspect you may be experiencing postnatal depression, talk to your doctor or other healthcare professional, such as a child health nurse.

• Talk to your doctor, child health nurse or midwife.
• Find a parenting helpline that suits you here.
• Call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636.

Speak to a maternal child health nurse

Call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby to speak to a maternal child health nurse on 1800 882 436 or video call. Available 7am to midnight (AET), 7 days a week.

Sources:

Learn more here about the development and quality assurance of healthdirect content.

Last reviewed: February 2021

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