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How to deal with pregnant women


Soon-to-be dads: How to help – and what not to say – during pregnancy | Your Pregnancy Matters

I may be around pregnant women all the time, but that didn’t stop me from saying some pretty bonehead things to my wife while she was pregnant. So this is my advice to dads-to-be on how to stay out of the doghouse.

As just one of many examples, I once complained about not sleeping well.  This is not a smart thing to say to a pregnant woman. My lovely wife was just a few weeks from giving birth, and when she wasn’t tossing and turning to find a comfortable position for her growing belly, she was getting up constantly to go to the bathroom. I may have been tired, but it was nothing compared to what she was going through. Not to mention this earned me a night on the couch.

I had no idea what to do when we were expecting our first child. Basically, I was freaking out the whole time. I think that’s normal when you’re about to become a parent.

However, no matter how scared you are, mom is just as scared. Yes, your life is changing, but it’s not your body changing drastically and sending you on a hormonal roller coaster. Pregnancy is all about mom because, let’s be honest, they’re the ones doing the hard work. What you need to do is be supportive – in whatever way you can at that moment.

First trimester: Help her feel better

The beginning of pregnancy can be tough. Your partner likely will be exhausted and she may not feel well. Offer to run out to get her medicine – physician-approved of course. Let her know it’s OK if she throws up in front of you. If she’s uncomfortable with that, give her space when she’s sick.

Your partner may start craving weird foods. My wife ate cheese sticks, boiled eggs, and raspberries for about the first two months of her pregnancy. That’s what tasted good to her and didn’t make her sick.

If your partner feels this way, don’t ask what’s for dinner. Be an adult and cook your own food. If the smell of certain foods makes her nauseated, give it up for the time being.

If your partner wants pickles at 2 a.m., get out of bed and go get them. You were responsible for half this pregnancy, so it’s the least you can do!

Starting when you get a positive pregnancy test, show interest and be involved throughout the pregnancy. Learn as much as you can. Read the pregnancy books. Accompany her to prenatal appointments. This can be especially important if a problem develops during the pregnancy. If you are involved and at the appointments, you will better understand what’s going on and what to expect down the road.

Attend prenatal classes. This can be helpful during labor and delivery when she’s in pain and forgets some of the things she learned. You can help her remember what she can do to manage her pain and what’s coming next.

Second trimester: Pamper her

This is the honeymoon phase of pregnancy – after the first trimester sickness and before the discomfort of the third trimester. If you’re looking to get away for a few days, this is the perfect time to take her on a babymoon.

You also can help her friends and family plan a baby shower. I know you may not care about the silly games they play or the cutesy gifts. But know this: You’re going to need more diapers than exist in the world, so be grateful when you get them!

Third trimester: Make her feel comfortable

By the third trimester, your partner is going to start feeling pretty uncomfortable. Tell her to sit down and put her feet up while you make dinner, or give her a massage. If you go to a movie theater, pick a seat on the aisle near the exit so she easily can get up to go to the bathroom.

She may not feel like herself, so this is a good time to help foster her self-esteem. If she asks if she looks fat, say, “Absolutely not, you look beautiful.” Make her feel special and wanted. If she’s up for it, know that sex is almost always safe during pregnancy. Talk with your doctor, but there are very few occasions when it may not be safe.

However, she may not be in the mood. She may not feel sexy, and her growing belly can make sex uncomfortable. If she’s not into it, be understanding and don’t make her feel bad about it.

Labor and delivery: What not to say

There’s no way around it: Labor and delivery can be scary for partners. You’ve gone to the classes and read the books, but nothing can prepare you 100 percent for what’s coming. You may be nervous, but remember that it’s nothing compared to how your partner is feeling. Though you can’t take away her pain, you can stand by and support her.

In TV shows and movies, dads say dumb things to women during labor and delivery. Well, they’re not exaggerating – much. When my wife went into labor and I was driving her to the hospital, there was road construction and we kept driving over big bumps. I was so nervous and couldn’t help laughing. I thought she was going to hit me as she exclaimed, “Why is this so funny? Why are you laughing?”

Here are a few other things I’ve heard over the years that I recommend not saying to your partner while she’s giving birth to your child:

  • “Gross. ” I don’t care if what you’re looking at is the most disgusting thing you’ve ever seen. Don’t say this. Ever.
  • “Oh, the pain can’t be that bad.” It is. You can’t even imagine. Don’t try to empathize with her pain. Don’t try to minimize it. Just let her experience it, hold her hand, and do what she asks and needs you to do.

After the birth: Be protective and helpful

Now that your little one has arrived, every family member and friend you have will want to meet him or her. You need to be the gatekeeper. Mom likely will be tired and just want to spend time with her new baby. Don’t be afraid to tell your loved ones to come back later. Or meet them in the waiting room and entertain them out there.  

It’s inevitable that you’ll forget things in the rush to go to the hospital. It’s your job to run back and forth to get a change of clothes, the phone charger, or whatever she needs.

The early days of a baby’s life are exhausting for the whole family, but try to minimize that for your partner. If she’s breastfeeding, you can’t help with middle-of-the-night feedings, but you can still be helpful. Get up and change the baby’s diaper so she can rest a few more minutes. My wife and I took shifts so we both could get some sleep.

Take as much off her plate as possible. Do the laundry, cook meals, and clean the house. If the baby is sleeping and she wants to rest, entertain your other children so she can sleep. Give her time alone. If the baby is fed and doesn’t need her, let her have a few hours of peace and quiet or a chance to get out of the house.

Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Find time to do something that will rejuvenate you – even if it’s just going to the gym on your way home from work.

It will take time for your family to get into a routine that works best for all of you – especially after one or both of your return to work from maternity or paternity leave. It’s easy to hunker down and just get through the first months of a baby’s life, but don’t forget to stay connected to the outside world.  Maintain relationships with friends and family – and each other. Go on a date. You both need time to take a breath and maintain your sanity.

As for sex after having a baby, talk to your physician about how long you should wait. Most physicians recommend six weeks. Just remember, you can get pregnant again right away, even if your partner is breastfeeding. Don’t forget to use contraception.

Fatherhood is a big job – and it starts with taking good care of mom. Becoming a dad is scary and nerve-wracking, but also awesome. Enjoy the ride!

Feelings, relationships and pregnancy | Pregnancy Birth and Baby

Feelings, relationships and pregnancy | Pregnancy Birth and Baby beginning of content

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Pregnancy can mean the beginning of a new stage in a woman’s life, with all the changes that new stage can bring. People talk about obvious ones — cravings, fatigue, nausea, body shape — but there are also situations like negotiating new working arrangements and reworking your finances that can make this a difficult time.

As well as physical, financial and social changes, many women experience emotional changes during pregnancy too. Mixed emotions are a normal and necessary part of preparing to become a parent.

Like unexpected physical health complications (for example, high blood pressure), mental health problems can affect any woman during pregnancy. Talking about your feelings can be the first step towards feeling better.

It's very important to look after yourself and recognise if you are finding it difficult to manage from day to day. If you have been feeling sad, down, worried or anxious for a while and this is starting to affect your life, it's time to seek help.

Preparing for being a parent

It can be helpful for both expectant mums and dads to learn about ways to help themselves and others through this time of change.

Read parenting books, talk to family members and friends about their experiences as new parents and take some time to think about who might be able to provide support if you need it. It can help to develop a network with others who are also pregnant or who have children of a similar age.

While preparation is important, it is also good to remember that you can't prepare for everything.

Your emotions during pregnancy

Pregnancy is a challenging and exciting time. It is normal for expectant mums and dads to experience ups and downs when expecting a baby. However, for some, anxiety and depression during pregnancy can affect their daily lives.

Look out for these symptoms of anxiety and depression during pregnancy:

  • panic attacks (racing heart, palpitations, shortness of breath)
  • persistent, generalised worry, such as fears for the health or wellbeing of the baby
  • obsessive or compulsive behaviours
  • abrupt mood swings
  • feeling constantly sad, low or crying for no obvious reason
  • being nervous, on edge or panicky

If symptoms last for more than 2 weeks, talk to your GP or midwife.

Your relationship with your partner

Pregnancy will bring about big changes to your relationship, especially if this is your first baby. Some people cope with these changes easily, while others find it harder.

It's quite common for couples to have arguments every now and then during pregnancy. It's important to realise that during pregnancy there are understandable reasons for the occasional difficulty, and good reasons for feeling closer and more loving.

These communication tips can help to nurture your relationship during pregnancy:

  • Talk to each other about how you feel about being pregnant and what's to come — the positives and negatives. Try to talk in a way that explains your views rather than blames your partner.
  • Talk about your hopes and dreams for your family and what rituals and traditions are important.
  • Talk about your individual parenting styles. If your styles turn out to be different, you might need to work on solving problems together with negotiation and compromise.
  • Be open and honest about your sexual needs.

There are also practical ways you can help to manage the impact of pregnancy on your relationship:

  • Go to antenatal classes together.
  • Consider getting some help with managing your money if you're worried about the cost of having a baby.
  • Talk about practicalities, such as how you'll make time for yourself and time for your partner and how you'll share household tasks now and after the baby is born.

Your relationships with family and friends

Pregnancy is not only a special time for you and your partner; there may be a lot of other people around you who are interested in your pregnancy, such as your family and friends.

People can offer a great deal of help in all sorts of ways, and you'll probably be glad of their interest and support. But sometimes it can feel as if they're taking over.

Being pregnant may also put you on the receiving end of a lot of advice and perhaps criticism. There will be times when you appreciate the advice but also times when the advice is not wanted or helpful.

The important thing is to decide what is right for you. After all, it is your pregnancy and your baby.

If unwanted advice is becoming a problem, explain gently that there are some decisions that only you and your partner can make, and some things that you prefer to do on your own.

Support in labour

One practical question you will need to discuss is how you will cope with labour and whether your partner will be there. Many partners want to be present at their baby's birth. It can help to find out about your birth options, including where you can give birth.

It may be that you don't have a partner during this pregnancy, and you need extra support from family or friends. You may wish to talk to your midwife about some of the services that are available.

Coping if you're alone

If you're pregnant and on your own, it's important to have people you can share your feelings with who can offer you support. Sorting out problems, whether personal or medical, is often difficult when you're by yourself. It's better to find someone to talk to rather than let things get you down.

Ask someone you trust to support you at the birth

Just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you have to go to antenatal visits by yourself and cope with labour on your own. You have the right to take whoever you like: a friend, sister or perhaps your mum.

Involve your birth partner in antenatal classes if you can, and let him or her know what you want from them. It may help to discuss your birth plan with them so that they understand your wishes for labour.

If you do not have a partner you can also ask your midwife if there are antenatal classes in your area that are run especially for single women.

Plan ahead

Think about how you'll manage after the birth. Will there be people around to help and support you? If there's nobody who can give you support, it might help to discuss your situation with someone.

Related information

  • You can call Pregnancy, Birth and Baby on 1800 882 436 if you would like to speak to a maternal child health nurse.
  • Beyond Blue has produced a guide for pregnant women, new mums and other carers, which you can download from its website. You can also call the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636.

Sources:
Jean Hailes (New parents), PANDA (Anxiety and depression in pregnancy and early parenthood), Raising Children Network (Healthy relationships and pregnancy)

Learn more here about the development and quality assurance of healthdirect content.

Last reviewed: September 2020


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  • Anxiety and pregnancy
  • Mental wellbeing during pregnancy

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