How should parents treat their child

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

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As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.
Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.
Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.
Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.
Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.
Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").
Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.
Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.
Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.
Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

Infants	Babies learn by watching what you do, so set examples of behavior you expect. Use positive language to guide your baby. For example, say, "Time to sit," rather than, "Don't stand." Save the word, "no," for the most important issues, like safety. Limit the need to say "no" by putting dangerous or tempting objects out of reach. Distracting and replacing a dangerous or forbidden object with one that is okay to play with is a good strategy at this age. All children, including babies, need consistent discipline, so talk with your partner, family members, and child care provider to set basic rules everyone follows.
Toddlers	Your child is starting to recognize what's allowed and what isn't but may test some rules to see how you react. Pay attention to and praise behaviors you like and ignore those you want to discourage. Redirect to a different activity when needed. Tantrums can become more common as your child struggles to master new skills and situations. Anticipate tantrum triggers, like being tired or hungry, and help head them off with well-timed naps and meals. Teach your toddler not to hit, bite, or use other aggressive behaviors. Model nonviolent behavior by not spanking your toddler and by handling conflict with your partner in a constructive way. Stay consistent in enforcing limits. Try short time-outs if needed. Acknowledge conflicts between siblings but avoid taking sides. For example, if an argument arises about a toy, the toy can be put away.
Preschool Age	Preschool-age children are still trying to understand how and why things work and what effect their actions have. As they learn appropriate behavior, expect them to continue testing the limits of parents and siblings. Begin assigning age-appropriate chores, like putting their toys away. Give simple, step-by-step directions. Reward them with praise. Allow your child to make choices among acceptable alternatives, redirecting and setting sensible limits. Teach your child to treat others as she wants to be treated. Explain that it's OK to feel mad sometimes, but not to hurt someone or break things. Teach them how to deal with angry feelings in positive ways, like talking about it. To resolve conflicts, use time-outs or remove the source of conflict.
Gradeschool-Age Children	Your child is beginning to get a sense of right and wrong. Talk about the choices they have in difficult situations, what are the good and bad options, and what might come next depending on how they decide to act. Talk about family expectations and reasonable consequences for not following family rules. Provide a balance of privileges and responsibility, giving children more privileges when they follow rules of good behavior. Continue to teach and model patience, concern and respect for others. Don't let yourself or others use physical punishment. If you live in an area where corporal punishment is allowed in schools, you have the right to say that your child may not be spanked.
Adolescents & Teens	As your teen develops more independent decision-making skills, you'll need to balance your unconditional love and support with clear expectations, rules, and boundaries. Continue to show plenty of affection and attention. Make time every day to talk. Young people are more likely to make healthy choices if they stay connected with family members. Get to know your teen's friends and talk about responsible and respectful relationships. Acknowledge your teen's efforts, achievements, and success in what they do―and don't do. Praise the choice to avoid using tobacco, e-cigarettes, alcohol, or other drugs. Set a good example through your own responsible use of alcohol and other substances.

More information

15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
Disciplining Older Children
How to Give a Time-Out
Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated: 11/5/2018

Source: American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

9 Steps to More Effective Parenting (for Parents)

Raising kids is one of the toughest and most fulfilling jobs in the world — and the one for which you might feel the least prepared.

These 9 child-rearing tips can help you feel more fulfilled as a parent.

1. Boost Your Child's Self-Esteem

Kids start developing their sense of self as babies when they see themselves through their parents' eyes. Your tone of voice, your body language, and your every expression are absorbed by your kids. Your words and actions as a parent affect their developing self-esteem more than anything else.

Praising accomplishments, however small, will make them feel proud; letting kids do things independently will make them feel capable and strong. By contrast, belittling comments or comparing a child unfavorably with another will make kids feel worthless.

Avoid making loaded statements or using words as weapons. Comments like "What a stupid thing to do!" or "You act more like a baby than your little brother!" cause damage just as physical blows do.

Choose your words carefully and be compassionate. Let your kids know that everyone makes mistakes and that you still love them, even when you don't love their behavior.

2. Catch Kids Being Good

Have you ever stopped to think about how many times you react negatively to your kids in a given day? You may find yourself criticizing far more often than complimenting. How would you feel about a boss who treated you with that much negative guidance, even if it was well-intentioned?

The more effective approach is to catch kids doing something right: "You made your bed without being asked — that's terrific!" or "I was watching you play with your sister and you were very patient." These statements will do more to encourage good behavior over the long run than repeated scoldings.

Make a point of finding something to praise every day. Be generous with rewards — your love, hugs, and compliments can work wonders and are often reward enough. Soon you will find you are "growing" more of the behavior you would like to see.

3. Set Limits and Be Consistent With Your Discipline

Discipline is necessary in every household. The goal of discipline is to help kids choose acceptable behaviors and learn self-control. They may test the limits you establish for them, but they need those limits to grow into responsible adults.

Establishing house rules helps kids understand your expectations and develop self-control. Some rules might include: no TV until homework is done, and no hitting, name-calling, or hurtful teasing allowed.

You might want to have a system in place: one warning, followed by consequences such as a "time out" or loss of privileges. A common mistake parents make is failure to follow through with the consequences. You can't discipline kids for talking back one day and ignore it the next. Being consistent teaches what you expect.

4. Make Time for Your Kids

It's often hard for parents and kids to get together for a family meal, let alone spend quality time together. But there is probably nothing kids would like more. Get up 10 minutes earlier in the morning so you can eat breakfast with your child or leave the dishes in the sink and take a walk after dinner. Kids who aren't getting the attention they want from their parents often act out or misbehave because they're sure to be noticed that way.

Many parents find it rewarding to schedule together time with their kids. Create a "special night" each week to be together and let your kids help decide how to spend the time. Look for other ways to connect — put a note or something special in your kid's lunchbox.

Teens seem to need less undivided attention from their parents than younger kids. Because there are fewer windows of opportunity for parents and teens to get together, parents should do their best to be available when their teen does express a desire to talk or participate in family activities. Attending concerts, games, and other events with your teen communicates caring and lets you get to know more about your child and his or her friends in important ways.

Don't feel guilty if you're a working parent. It is the many little things you do — making popcorn, playing cards, window shopping — that kids will remember.

5. Be a Good Role Model

Young kids learn a lot about how to act by watching their parents. The younger they are, the more cues they take from you. Before you lash out or blow your top in front of your child, think about this: Is that how you want your child to behave when angry? Be aware that you're constantly being watched by your kids. Studies have shown that children who hit usually have a role model for aggression at home.

Model the traits you wish to see in your kids: respect, friendliness, honesty, kindness, tolerance. Exhibit unselfish behavior. Do things for other people without expecting a reward. Express thanks and offer compliments. Above all, treat your kids the way you expect other people to treat you.

6. Make Communication a Priority

You can't expect kids to do everything simply because you, as a parent, "say so." They want and deserve explanations as much as adults do. If we don't take time to explain, kids will begin to wonder about our values and motives and whether they have any basis. Parents who reason with their kids allow them to understand and learn in a nonjudgmental way.

Make your expectations clear. If there is a problem, describe it, express your feelings, and invite your child to work on a solution with you. Be sure to include consequences. Make suggestions and offer choices. Be open to your child's suggestions as well. Negotiate. Kids who participate in decisions are more motivated to carry them out.

7. Be Flexible and Willing to Adjust Your Parenting Style

If you often feel "let down" by your child's behavior, perhaps you have unrealistic expectations. Parents who think in "shoulds" (for example, "My kid should be potty-trained by now") might find it helpful to read up on the matter or to talk to other parents or child development specialists.

Kids' environments have an effect on their behavior, so you might be able to change that behavior by changing the environment. If you find yourself constantly saying "no" to your 2-year-old, look for ways to alter your surroundings so that fewer things are off-limits. This will cause less frustration for both of you.

As your child changes, you'll gradually have to change your parenting style. Chances are, what works with your child now won't work as well in a year or two.

Teens tend to look less to their parents and more to their peers for role models. But continue to provide guidance, encouragement, and appropriate discipline while allowing your teen to earn more independence. And seize every available moment to make a connection!

8. Show That Your Love Is Unconditional

As a parent, you're responsible for correcting and guiding your kids. But how you express your corrective guidance makes all the difference in how a child receives it.

When you have to confront your child, avoid blaming, criticizing, or fault-finding, which hurt self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Instead, try to nurture and encourage, even when disciplining your kids. Make sure they know that although you want and expect better next time, your love is there no matter what.

9. Know Your Own Needs and Limitations as a Parent

Face it — you are an imperfect parent. You have strengths and weaknesses as a family leader. Recognize your abilities — "I am loving and dedicated." Vow to work on your weaknesses — "I need to be more consistent with discipline." Try to have realistic expectations for yourself, your partner, and your kids. You don't have to have all the answers — be forgiving of yourself.

And try to make parenting a manageable job. Focus on the areas that need the most attention rather than trying to address everything all at once. Admit it when you're burned out. Take time out from parenting to do things that will make you happy.

Focusing on your needs does not make you selfish. It simply means you care about your own well-being, which is another important value to model for your children.

What to do if your parents treat you like a child

October 10, 2021One-on-one Relationships

For mom and dad, we are always small. But sometimes this behavior goes beyond and begins to cause discomfort.

This article is part of the One on One project. In it, we talk about relationships with ourselves and others. If the topic is close to you, share your story or opinion in the comments. Will wait!

"You'd better not date this guy." "Take off that sweater, green doesn't suit you." “Call Aunt Lyuba, I agreed, she will take you to work.” It seems that such phrases can be addressed to a child or teenager, but sometimes adults also hear them. Parents do not seem to notice that they are already an adult, and continue to educate and point out. We understand why this happens and how it can be influenced.

Why parents behave this way

1. They have not yet come to terms with the fact that you have grown up

It can be difficult to let go of a child and accept that he is a completely independent unit and has the right to do anything without the advice of parents. Because of the fear that a son or daughter might get into trouble, anxiety and a desire to take care turn on.

If there are one or two children in a family, their parents are more than those with many children, they are at risk of encountering the empty nest syndrome. It is a feeling of deep longing, loneliness and fear that comes when children grow up and move out of the house. To cope with discomfort, some continue to intensively care for an already adult person, as if he was still small.

Learn more 🐣

What is empty nest syndrome and how not to fall apart when there is no one else to care for

teenager.

You cannot fully take care of yourself, make impulsive decisions, shoot money from your parents, take the position of a capricious child in conflicts, and not an adult.

Dr. Sue Kolod, Fellow of the American Psychotherapist's Association, says that infantile behavior and a childish attitude encourage parents to treat their adult child as if it were a small child. This situation is called regression. Mom and dad try to patronize you, it reminds you of the past, and you fall into the state of a rebellious teenager who fiercely defends his independence. You tell your parents: “I can take care of myself, I'm not little anymore!” - slam the doors, hang up the phones. And for them, this becomes a signal that you have not matured yet, so you need to interact with you accordingly.

Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker

3. You have an unhealthy relationship

It may well be that such behavior of parents is not a manifestation of care, but psychological abuse disguised as it. Partners are not the only ones who can be abusers. Mom and dad sometimes manipulate in the same way, mock, devalue, undermine self-confidence, try to instill helplessness, limit the child’s communication with the world, tie them to themselves stronger.

Abuse is based on a co-dependent relationship. People, including adult children and their parents, fall into the so-called Karpman triangle: they take turns trying on the roles of the persecutor, victim and savior. As a result, they find themselves in a vicious circle, from which it is extremely difficult to break out on their own.

Explore ☝

No Romance: What Co-Dependency Is and Why You Should Start It

How to Respond to Inappropriate Parenting

Here are some tips from psychologists.

1. Try to behave like an adult

Take care of yourself, learn to plan and earn money, do not shift your problems and responsibilities to your parents without obvious need. You can offer help yourself - not necessarily financial. Tell me where it is best to order groceries at home, help you choose a vacation package or a dishwasher, take part in cleaning or repairs. This will show mom and dad that you are an independent and responsible person, which means that in communicating with you, you can “let go of the reins” a little.

2. Stay calm during conflicts

Before you stomp your feet and shout that you are an adult, remind yourself that adults don't behave like that. They know how to defend their interests and personal boundaries without shouting.

Illustration: Anna Guridova / Lifehacker

Listen carefully to what your parents say, try to understand their position, figure out what motives and feelings are behind it, and not immediately take it with hostility. Voice your emotions and thoughts calmly, using "I-messages" and trying to avoid accusations.

Take note 🤝

How to get what you want without manipulation and coercion

3. Show your progress

Share more often with your parents the evidence of your "adulthood" and independence. Tell us if you are valued at work and have received a pay raise. Let me know if you want to buy a car or take out a mortgage and have already started saving money for it. Talk about your hobbies, how you manage your time, take care of your health, plan your life and solve problems. This will help those close to you to make sure that you can no longer look after you.

4. Help your parents find something to do

One way to deal with empty nest syndrome, which can lead to caring, is to find new hobbies and new goals. You can gently guide mom and dad in this direction - of course, with attention to their interests and needs.

Has mother always been attracted to art? Give her an art museum subscription or a few drawing lessons. Dad would like to understand psychology better? Look with him for good courses, books, training programs. Well, maybe your parents dreamed of having a dog or traveling more? This is an occasion to give them a puppy and help make an interesting route.

5. Keep your distance

If family relationships are not very healthy, and talking, asking and other measures do not help you change the situation, it is better to limit interaction with parents. Start living separately, if you haven’t moved out yet, meet less often, talk on the phone.

6. Seek Help

You may find yourself stuck in a toxic relationship that makes it difficult for you to assert your boundaries, protect yourself, and separate. In this case, it is worth contacting a psychotherapist, and as soon as possible. It will help you deal with problems.

Have you experienced this attitude yourself? Did you manage to change it? Share in the comments.

I have the right: What parents owe their children

- Give me something else, cheaper, - my mother gently objects. - And then, you already have a hundred of these accumulated!

- And I want this one, - the offspring persists. - I'm a child, you have to buy it for me!

Russian children have a very vague idea of their rights. But sometimes they still say that they “have the right” to something and parents are “obliged” to obey their requirements. "ProParent" decided not to leave the situation without clarification and asked the lawyer Lyubov Danilova, who works in the capital's "Lawyer Advice No. 24" (a branch of the Inter-Republican Bar Association) to tell what exactly the Russian child has the right to from the point of view of the law.

A child has certain rights from the moment of birth. So says Article 17 of the Civil Code of Russia. Babies can be sure they have:

The right to life, citizenship, name, patronymic and surname.
The right to live and be brought up in a family is one of the most important rights of a child.
The right to liberty and security of person, respect for dignity, security of interests.
The right to protection of rights and legal interests, to health protection and favorable environment.
Ownership of property received as a gift or by inheritance.

It is clear that the legal capacity of infants - that is, the real opportunity to dispose of those opportunities that are guaranteed to them by law - is a very conditional thing. However, everyone around is obliged to take into account the interests of the kids, even if they do not yet know about it.

Real rights for children begin to appear as they grow older. And every year there are more of them. Six-year-old children in Russia are guaranteed:

The right to education - that is, the obligatory opportunity to go to school.
The right to make small household transactions. For example, make purchases in a store for a small amount for cash. It can be food, stationery, toys. Of course, they will not sell a car or a computer to a child, but it is already possible to send it to the store for bread.
The right to independently dispose of funds provided for a specific purpose. Basically, it's pocket money. Parents are not obliged to issue them, but if they have shown generosity, then the child can decide for himself what exactly to spend them on.
The right to express an opinion in resolving an issue that affects his interests. Actually, any kid expresses his opinion from birth, not much bothering with issues of legitimacy. But if the cries of babies can still be ignored, then parents are already obliged to listen to the opinion of six-year-olds. Moreover, after the child reaches the age of ten, his opinion can become decisive.

Seven-year-olds get another very pleasant right: to ride a bicycle on sidewalks, pedestrian and bicycle paths.

At the age of ten, from a legal point of view, the possibilities of a child expand even more. A person who celebrated the first round anniversary:

Gives consent to his adoption or transfer to a foster family, as well as to changing his name, surname.
Expresses an opinion as to which parent would like to live with in the event of divorce.
Gets the right to speak in court.

The next stage of official maturation begins at the age of 14. Together with the passport, the child receives:

The right to change the last name, first name and patronymic. All at once or one of the elements.
The right to choose a place of residence (with parental consent).
The right to dispose of their earnings, scholarships.
Ability to exercise the rights of the author of a work of science, literature or art, invention.
The right to cycle in the cycle lane. The bike path, mastered at the age of seven, happens in the park. The lane for cyclists is part of a full-fledged road, next to cars.
The right to conclude an employment contract (with parental consent).

The last "childish" stage of empowerment occurs at 16 years of age. From this age, a boy or girl is endowed with:

The right to drive a moped.
The right to marry. Here, however, there is a significant caveat: only if there are good reasons and only with the permission of local governments. In most cases, we are talking about teenage pregnancy. Although other life stories are possible.

Accelerated maturation

A child can become a full citizen without waiting for the age of eighteen. If he works under an employment contract or (of course, with the consent of his parents) is engaged in entrepreneurship, then the court or guardianship and guardianship authority may recognize the teenager as fully capable (emancipated).

If you have the right, then you must

On the one hand, many children's rights cannot be realized if their parents do not provide them. For example, the rights to freedom and personal integrity, respect for dignity, health protection and many others. But at the same time, children over the years acquire duties and responsibilities. For example, from the age of 14, teenagers can be prosecuted for criminal offenses.