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How do you tell a child their parent died


When a Loved One Dies: How to Help Your Child (for Parents)

When a loved one dies, children feel and show their grief in different ways. How kids cope with the loss depends on things like their age, how close they felt to the person who died, and the support they receive.

Here are some things parents can do to help a child who has lost a loved one:

Use simple words to talk about death. Be calm and caring when you tell your child that someone has died. Use words that are clear and direct. "I have some sad news to tell you. Grandma died today." Pause to give your child a moment to take in your words.

Listen and comfort. Every child reacts in their own way when they learn that a loved one has died. Some kids cry. Some ask questions. Others seem not to react at all. That's OK. Stay with your child to offer hugs or comfort. Answer your child's questions. Or just be together for a few minutes. It's OK if your child sees your sadness or tears.

Put feelings into words. Ask kids to say what they're thinking and feeling. Label some of your own feelings. This makes it easier for kids to share theirs. Say things like, "I know you're feeling very sad. I'm sad, too. We both loved Grandma so much, and she loved us too."

Tell your child what to expect. If the death of a loved one means changes in your child's life or routine, explain what will happen. This helps your child feel prepared. For example, "Aunt Sara will pick you up from school like Grandma used to." Or, "I need to stay with Grandpa for a few days. That means you and Dad will be home taking care of each other. But I'll talk to you every day, and I'll be back on Sunday."

Explain events that will happen. Allow children to join in rituals like viewings, funerals, or memorial services. Tell them ahead of time what will happen. For example, "Lots of people who loved Grandma will be there. We will sing, pray, and talk about Grandma's life. People might cry and hug. They might say to us, 'I'm sorry for your loss.' We can say, 'Thank you,' or, 'Thanks for coming.' You can stay near me and hold my hand if you want."

You might need to explain burial or cremation. For example, "After the funeral, there is a burial at a cemetery. The person's body is in a casket (or coffin) that gets buried in the ground with a special ceremony. This can feel like a sad goodbye, and people might cry." Share your family's beliefs about what happens to a person's soul or spirit after death.

Explain what will happen after the service, too. For example, "We all will go eat food together. People will laugh, talk, and hug some more. Talking about happy times with Grandma and being together helps people start to feel better."

Give your child a role. Having a small, active role lets kids feel part of things and helps them cope. You might invite your child to read a poem, pick a song to be played, gather some photos to display, or make something. Let kids decide if they want to take part, and how.

Help your child remember the person. In the days and weeks ahead, encourage your child to draw pictures or write down stories of their loved one. Don't avoid talking about the person who died. Sharing happy memories helps heal grief.

Give comfort and reassure your child. Notice if your child seems sad, worried, or upset in other ways. Ask about feelings and listen. Let your child know that it takes time to feel better after a loved one dies. Some kids may have trouble sleeping or have fears or worries. Let kids know these things will get better. Give them extra time and care. Support groups and counseling can help kids who need more support.

Help your child feel better. Provide the comfort your child needs but don't dwell on sad feelings. After a few minutes of talking and listening, shift to an activity or topic that helps your child feel a little better. Play, make art, cook, or go somewhere together.

Give your child time to heal from the loss. Grief is a process that happens over time. Be sure to talk often and listen to see how your child is feeling and doing. Healing doesn't mean forgetting about your loved one. It means remembering the person with love. Loving memories stir good feelings that support us as we go on to enjoy life.

Get more help if needed. If a loved one's death was sudden, deeply stressful, or violent, a child may need therapy to help them heal. If your child's distress lasts for more than a few weeks, or if you think your family needs more help, talk with your child's doctor. They can help you find the right therapist to work with.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Date reviewed: September 2021

What to Say to a Child When Their Parent Dies: 7 Tips

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When a loved one dies, it can be difficult for anyone to accept. Children are no different. Knowing what to say to a child when a parent dies can be challenging. You may need to approach breaking the news of a parent's death with an extra dose of care and compassion. Since children of different ages process death differently, their level of maturity and understanding plays a role in how they take in the news.

Even if it appears that a child knows and understands that their parent has died, there are certain things that you should look out for. Sometimes children have a way of masking how they're feeling. The tips below will help you gauge how the news has affected them and how they're dealing with their loss. You'll also learn how to console someone even when it appears that they're okay as you learn to process your own grief.

Tip: Helping a child through losing a parent is one of many complicated tasks you might be facing. For help understanding what comes next, check out our post-loss checklist.

1. Assess Their Understanding

How you deliver the news of the death of a parent to a child will depend on their age, developmental and maturity levels. Some children are wise beyond their years, while others will find it difficult to understand when you’re breaking bad news to them. 

You can assess a child’s level of understanding by first asking questions about what they already know. It may be that they understand more than what you think they do.

The questions below are examples for you to consider when asking a child how much they understand about death. 

  • “Your mother has been in a terrible accident. Do you understand what’s happened?” 
  • “Your dad has been in a coma for several weeks. Do you understand what happens now?”
  • “When mommy had an accident and she didn’t wake up, do you know why she didn’t wake up? Can you tell me about it?”
  • “Daddy has been very sick for a while. He probably won’t be getting better. Do you know what happens when someone is very sick and then they die?”

» MORE: Meaningful sympathy gifts that aren't flowers

 

2. Explain What Death Means

When explaining what death means to a child, start with the basics using clear and direct language. You may want to explain the spiritual or philosophical meaning of death in ways that keep in line with whatever your spiritual or religious beliefs are. 

Keep things simple

Keep things simple and easy to understand so that you don’t confuse them. Consider explaining death in small chunks so that the information sinks as clearly as possible. Children are easily overwhelmed when too much information is given to them that they may suffer from information overload. 

A young child can have a very different concept of the meaning of death than an older child or teenager. 

Give a clear understanding

Begin with a clear understanding that death is permanent. When you use euphemisms (like "passed away" instead of "died") or other words to substitute for the meaning of death, a child might become confused. 

For example, instead of saying this, “Your dad was in a coma and has gone to sleep forever,” try saying this, “Your dad was in a coma for a long time, and today he died. He won’t be coming back.”

As much as it may hurt you to break the news to a child, be clear that their parent won’t be coming back. When you use indirect language, a child might mistakenly think that their parent will be returning. 

The terms passed away, gone to heaven, resting forever, all may leave a child thinking that there’s hope that their parent will return or one day wake up. It may also have the unintended effect of causing them to fear falling asleep.

3. Choose Comforting Words

When you’re deciding how to talk to kids about death in a way that’ll make sense to them, remember to choose comforting words. It may be difficult for you to choose the right words, especially if you’re trying to cope with your own pain and suffering.  

If you find it difficult to break the news to your child, try going out for a walk before having this difficult conversation. Taking a step back to process the news before breaking it to them will likely lead to a better outcome. Your demeanor and emotional state of being will have an effect on how the child takes the news. It’s important for you to gather your thoughts and have control over your emotions before talking to a child about death. 

Here are some things you may consider saying to offer some comfort during this difficult time:

  • "Your mom has had an accident and has died from her injuries. She won’t be coming back home from the hospital like we expected. I love you. I’ll be here for you to take care of you, is that okay?”
  • "Your dad was in a coma and has died this morning. He won’t be coming home from the hospital after all. He loved you very much, and I know you’ll miss him. I love you, and I’ll be here for you to take care of you, is that okay?”

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4. Allow Them to Process

Children take in and process information differently than adults. Beginning at a young age, children may start to experience feelings of guilt and remorse. Some may think that they’re somehow responsible for their parent’s death. Children use an internal process called “magical thinking” in which they invent scenarios in their heads to try and find a reason for why things happened.

They believe that their thoughts, words, and wishes can will things to happen. This can be very confusing and detrimental to a child who was mad at their parent immediately before their parent died.

For example, a young child ordered to stay indoors instead of going out to play with friends might be angry at his mom. He might utter the familiar words, “I hate you. I wish you were dead.” And, then, mom has an unrelated household accident in which she dies. The child may think that their mom died because they willed it so

In a different example, magical thinking might create an illusion that the parent will one day come home. This happens when death is explained in a way that creates confusion and gives hope that even though their parent’s died, they may still come home one day.

Another example is saying that “mom was in an accident and has gone to sleep,” may give the hope that she’ll soon wake up and come home.

So, as difficult as it may be to tell a child that their parent has died and won’t be coming back, it’s best to be direct and allow them the time to process the information.

5. Have them Ask Questions

When a child first experiences death, they’ll likely have a lot of questions that will vary depending on their age and understanding of it. If they’re very young, they may not yet have the capacity to understand the more complicated emotional aspects of grief and loss. They may be curious and more concerned as to what happens to the body when you die, rather than the concept of pain and suffering. 

This reaction is normal and is to be expected when a child has not fully grasped the concept of what it means to die. You’ll likely have to answer some difficult questions that you weren’t prepared to answer. Consider obtaining a few children’s books about death for you to read together. 

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6. Explain What’s Next

When talking to children about death, it’s always a good idea to explain to them what comes next. They may not understand the concept of having a funeral and burial, or be familiar with what to expect at one. Consider giving them an overview of what it’ll be like to attend the viewing, seeing their parent in a casket, or what will happen at the interment or cremation. 

Prepare them for seeing mourners and explain that there will be people there who loved their parent and will be sad and crying because they’ve died.

7. Give Them Support

When a child loses a parent, it’s normal for them to feel sad, angry, and abandoned. They may not understand that it wasn’t their parent’s choice to leave them when they died. Consider giving them extra love and support to make them feel safe and secure. 

Sometimes a child sees the death of a parent as abandonment or punishment for doing something wrong. It’s likely that they’ll develop a fear of losing the surviving parent as well. This is a good time to remind them that although the one parent has died, they still have another one that will take care of them, and the love and support of the rest of the family just in case. 

Talking to a Child About Death

Talking about death is a conversation that is best to have with a child before the need arises. It’s a complicated and sensitive topic of discussion to have when you’re trying to cope with your grief and sorrow after suffering the loss of a loved one.

If you find yourself needing to tackle the conversation now, take a deep breath, and look at it from the perspective of a child when choosing the right words to say.  

A metropolitan psychologist advised how to tell a child about the death of a loved one so as not to injure

The loss of a loved one is always a difficult test. It is especially difficult to tell a child about what happened. Sometimes parents decide to hide a tragic fact. But psychologists note that this is fundamentally wrong behavior. Children feel good when something happens in the family. Attempts to hide the truth only aggravate the situation: tension arises, the baby may feel anxiety, stop trusting adults. The best solution is an honest and trusting conversation with your child. How to build a dialogue, says the psychologist of the Zhuravushka family center Sergey Leontiev.

Find the right words

It is best when the death is reported by the next of kin, someone who has a very good relationship with the child. The conversation should be conducted in a room, on a sofa, on the floor, or in another comfortable place.

An approximate phrase sounds like this: “ From this day forward, everything will be different for us. We are in grief. ___ died". Avoid expressions such as "left us", "fell asleep", or "flew to heaven ". Children take a lot of things literally and will wait for the person to return, wake up or fly back.

Next, pause - perhaps the baby will cry. Talk about his feelings, patiently answer all the questions that have arisen. Try to speak simply, without unnecessary details, but honestly and openly. Tell us what will happen next, and in general terms, explain how the funeral goes. " In conversations with children about the tragedy that happened, try to be honest, while avoiding unnecessary details and take into account age characteristics ", says the psychologist.

Consider age

Psychologists describe the difference in children's perception of death depending on age:

  • Until the age of 4, children do not fully understand what death is. She does not seem to them permanent. It's like a dream, just a little different. Therefore, it is very important for parents of preschoolers to say that the deceased person is no more and that this is forever.
  • From 5 to 10 years old, children already understand that death is permanent. It is clear to them that all living things eventually die. Therefore, at this age, simple and understandable explanations are enough for the child.
  • For a teenager, the death of a loved one provokes discussions about the meaning of life. At this time, he feels beyond the control of death, and reality seems to him cruel, unstable and traumatic.

What will happen tomorrow

The most important thought that an adult should convey to a child is that life continues after the death of a loved one. This will take time and trust.

It is important for a child to hear and feel that he is not left alone with grief, there is a close person nearby who is also worried, sad and understands his feelings well. In resolving difficult issues related to the establishment of parent-child relationships, you can seek help from one of the capital's family centers or leave an application on the Portal " My Family Center .” Experienced professionals are always ready to help.

Source

Press Service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of the City of Moscow

How to tell a child about the death of a loved one?

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If a family member has died, the child should tell the truth. As life shows, all options like “Dad went on a business trip for six months” or “Grandma has moved to another city” can have negative consequences.

At first, the child simply won't believe or think you're not telling the truth. Because he sees that something is wrong, that something has happened in the house: for some reason people are crying, mirrors are curtained, you can’t laugh out loud.

Children's fantasy is rich, and the fears it creates are quite real for the child. The child will decide that either he or someone in the family is in danger of something terrible. Real grief is clearer and easier than all the horrors that a child can imagine.

Secondly, the child will still be told the truth by "kind" uncles, aunts, other children or compassionate grandmothers in the yard. And it is still unknown in what form. And then the feeling that his relatives lied to him will be added to grief.

Who better to talk to?

The first condition: a person close to the child, the closest of all the remaining; the one who lived and will continue to live with the child; one who knows him well.

The second condition: the one who will speak must control himself in order to speak calmly, not break into hysterics or uncontrollable tears (those tears that well up in the eyes are not a hindrance). He will have to finish talking to the end and still be with the child until he realizes the bitter news.

To perform this task, choose a time and place when you will be "in a state of resource", and do not do this by relieving tension with alcohol. You can use light natural sedatives, such as valerian.

Adults are often afraid of being "black messengers"

It seems to them that they will hurt the child, cause pain. Another fear is that the reaction that the news will provoke will be unpredictable and terrible. For example, a scream or tears that an adult won't know how to deal with. All this is not true.

Alas, what happened happened. It was fate that struck, not the herald. The child will not blame the one who tells him about what happened: even small children distinguish between the event and the one who talks about it. As a rule, children are grateful to the one who brought them out of the unknown and provided support in a difficult moment.

Acute reactions are extremely rare, because the realization that something irreversible has happened, pain and longing come later, when the deceased begins to be missed in everyday life. The first reaction is, as a rule, amazement and attempts to imagine how it is: “died” or “died” ...

When and how to talk about death

It's better not to delay. Sometimes you have to take a little pause, because the speaker must calm down a little himself. But still, speak as quickly after the event as you can. The longer the child remains in the feeling that something bad and incomprehensible has happened, that he is alone with this unknown danger, the worse it is for him.

Choose a time when the child will not be overworked: when he has slept, eaten and does not experience physical discomfort. When the situation is as calm as possible under the circumstances.

Do it where you won't be interrupted or disturbed, where you can talk quietly. Do this in a familiar and safe place for the child (for example, at home), so that later he has the opportunity to be alone or use familiar and favorite things.

A favorite toy or other object can sometimes soothe a child better than words.

Hug or lap a small child. A teenager can be hugged by the shoulders or taken by the hand. The main thing is that this contact should not be unpleasant for the child, and also that it should not be something out of the ordinary. If hugging is not accepted in your family, then it is better not to do anything unusual in this situation.

It is important that at the same time he sees and listens to you, and does not look at the TV or the window with one eye. Establish eye-to-eye contact. Be short and simple.

In this case, the main information in your message should be duplicated. “Mom died, she is no more” or “Grandfather was sick, and the doctors could not help. He died". Do not say “gone”, “fell asleep forever”, “left” - these are all euphemisms, metaphors that are not very clear to the child.

After that, pause. No more need to be said. Everything that the child still needs to know, he will ask himself.

What can the children ask?

Young children may be interested in technical details. Buried or not buried? Will the worms eat it? And then he suddenly asks: “Will he come to my birthday?” Or: “Dead? Where is he now?"

No matter how strange a question a child asks, do not be surprised, do not resent, and do not consider that these are signs of disrespect. It is difficult for a small child to immediately understand what death is. Therefore, he "puts in his head" what it is. Sometimes it gets pretty weird.

To the question: “Died - how is it? And what is he now? you can answer according to your own ideas about life after death. But in any case, do not be afraid. Do not say that death is a punishment for sins, and avoid explaining that it is “like falling asleep and not waking up”: the child may become afraid to sleep or watch other adults so that they do not sleep.

Children tend to ask anxiously, "Are you going to die too?" Answer honestly that yes, but not now and not soon, but later, “when you are big, big, when you have many more people in your life who will love you and whom you will love . ..”.

Draw your child's attention to the fact that he has relatives, friends, that he is not alone, that he is loved by many people besides you. Say that with age there will be even more such people. For example, he will have a loved one, his own children.

The first days after the loss

After you have said the main thing - just silently stay with him. Give your child time to absorb what they hear and respond. In the future, act in accordance with the reaction of the child:

  • If he reacted to the message with questions, then answer them directly and sincerely, no matter how strange or inappropriate these questions may seem to you.
  • If he sits down to play or draw, slowly join in and play or draw with him. Do not offer anything, play, act according to his rules, the way he needs.
  • If he cries, hug him or take his hand. If repulsive, say "I'm there" and sit next to you without saying or doing anything. Then slowly start a conversation. Say sympathetic words. Tell us about what will happen in the near future - today and in the coming days.
  • If he runs away, don't go after him right away. Look at what he is doing in a short time, in 20-30 minutes. Whatever he does, try to determine if he wants your presence. People have the right to mourn alone, even very small ones. But this should be checked.
Do not change that day and in general for the first time the usual daily routine holidays. Let the food be ordinary and also the one that the child will eat. Neither you nor he has the strength to argue about “tasteless but healthy” on this day.

Sit with him a little longer before going to bed or, if necessary, until he falls asleep. Let me leave the lights on if he's afraid. If the child is scared and asks to go to bed with you, you can take him to your place on the first night, but do not offer it yourself and try not to make it a habit: it’s better to sit next to him until he falls asleep.

Tell him what life will be like next: what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month. Fame is comforting. Make plans and carry them out.

Participation in wakes and funerals

It is worth taking a child to funerals and wakes only if there is a person next to him whom the child trusts and who can only take care of him: take him away in time, calm him down if he cries.

Someone who can calmly explain to the child what is happening and protect (if necessary) from too insistent condolences. If they begin to lament over the child “oh you are an orphan” or “how are you now” - this is useless.

In addition, you must be sure that the funeral (or commemoration) will be held in a moderate atmosphere - someone's tantrum can frighten a child.

Finally, you should take your child with you only if he wants to

It is quite possible to ask a child how he would like to say goodbye: to go to the funeral, or maybe it would be better for him to go to the grave with you later?

If you think it is better for the child not to attend the funeral and want to send him to another place, for example, to relatives, then tell him where he will go, why, who will be there with him and when you will pick him up. For example: “Tomorrow you will stay with your grandmother, because here a lot of different people will come to us, they will cry, and this is hard. I'll pick you up at 8 o'clock."

Of course, the people with whom the child stays should be, if possible, “their own”: those acquaintances or relatives to whom the child often visits and is familiar with their daily routine. Also agree that they treat the child “as always”, that is, they do not regret, do not cry over him.

The deceased member of the family performed some functions in relation to the child. Maybe he bathed or took away from kindergarten, or maybe it was he who read a fairy tale to the child before going to bed. Do not try to replace the deceased and return to the child all the lost pleasant activities. But try to save the most important, the lack of which will be especially noticeable.

Most likely, in these very moments, the longing for the departed will be more acute than usual. Therefore, be tolerant of irritability, crying, anger. To the fact that the child is unhappy with the way you do it, to the fact that the child wants to be alone and will avoid you.

A child has the right to grieve

Do not avoid talking about death. As the topic of death is “processed”, the child will come up and ask questions. This is fine. The child is trying to understand and accept very complex things, using the mental arsenal that he has.

The theme of death may appear in his games, for example, he will bury toys, in drawings. Do not be afraid that at first these games or drawings will have an aggressive character: cruel “tearing off” the arms and legs of toys; blood, skulls, the predominance of dark colors in the drawings. Death has taken away a loved one from the child, and he has the right to be angry and “speak” with her in his own language.

Do not rush to turn off the TV if the theme of death flashes in a program or cartoon. Do not specifically remove books in which this topic is present. It may even be better if you have a "starting point" to talk to him again.

Do not try to distract from such conversations and questions. The questions will not disappear, but the child will go with them not to you or decide that something terrible is being hidden from him that threatens you or him.

Do not be alarmed if a child suddenly begins to say something evil or bad about the deceased

Even in the crying of adults, the motif “on whom did you leave us” slips through. Therefore, do not forbid the child to express his anger. Let him speak out, and only then repeat to him that the deceased did not want to leave him, but it just so happened. That no one is to blame. That the deceased loved him and, if he could, would never leave him.

On average, the period of acute grief lasts 6-8 weeks. If, after this time, the child does not leave fears, if he urinates in bed, grinds his teeth in a dream, sucks or bites his fingers, twists, tears his eyebrows or hair, swings in a chair, runs on tiptoe for a long time, is afraid to be without you even on a short time - all these are signals for contacting specialists.

If a child has become aggressive, pugnacious or has begun to get minor injuries, if, on the contrary, he is too obedient, tries to stay near you, often says nice things to you or fawns - these are also reasons for alarm.

The main message: life goes on

Everything you say and do should carry one main message: “A grief has happened. It's scary, it hurts, it's bad. And yet life goes on and everything will get better.” Reread this phrase again and say it to yourself, even if the deceased is so dear to you that you refuse to believe in life without him.

If you are reading this, you are a person who is not indifferent to children's grief. You have someone to support and something to live for. And you, too, have the right to your acute grief, you have the right to support, to medical and psychological assistance.

No one has yet died from grief itself: any grief, even the most terrible, passes sooner or later, it is inherent in us by nature. But it happens that grief seems unbearable and life is given with great difficulty.

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