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Same-sex Parents and Their Children

Studies estimate that between 1 and 9 million children in the United States have at least one parent who is lesbian or gay. There are approximately 594,000 same-sex partner households, according to the 2000 Census, and there are children living in approximately 27 percent of those households.

It is difficult to obtain an accurate count of same-sex parent families because many lesbians and gay men are not open about their sexual orientation due to fears of discrimination, such as loss of employment, loss of child custody, and antigay violence. There is not a “usual” gay family. Some same-sex couples may decide to have a child within their relationship, while others may bring children from previous heterosexual or same-sex unions. The rise in same-sex parenting is partially due to the increase in options available for same-sex couples to become parents. Although most children of same-sex couples are biological children of one of the parents, a growing number are the result of donor insemination, surrogacy, foster care and adoption.

Most research studies show that children with two moms or two dads fare just as well as children with heterosexual parents. In fact, one comprehensive study of children raised by lesbian mothers or gay fathers concluded that children raised by same-sex parents did not differ from other children in terms of emotional functioning, sexual orientation, stigmatization, gender role behavior, behavioral adjustment, gender identity, learning and grade point averages. Where research differences have been found, they have sometimes favored same-sex parents.

For example, adolescents with same-sex parents reported feeling more connected at school. Another study reported that children in gay and lesbian households are more likely to talk about emotionally difficult topics, and they are often more resilient, compassionate and tolerant. The same concerns that face many heterosexual parents when they are deciding to have children also face same-sex parents including time, money, and responsibilities of parenthood. Likewise, many of the parenting tasks faced by same-sex parents are similar to those faced by heterosexual parents, such as providing appropriate structure for children, while also being warm and accepting, setting limits, teaching open and honest communication, healthy conflict resolution, and monitoring of child’s peer network and extracurricular activities. Some differences may include adapting to different types of family forms, the impact of social stigma on the family, and dealing with extended family members who may not be supportive of same-sex parenting. One of the biggest challenges facing same-sex parented families is that they must live in a culture that supports heterosexist and homophobic attitudes and beliefs, which can affect these families in a variety of ways. A second complication is that these families are usually part of a blended family and include children from previous heterosexual marriages. Some of these families may deal with disagreement from other family members about the authenticity and validity of their family patterns. Lack of support from a previous heterosexual partner or the other biological parent can cause major conflict and distress within the family system.

Today, there are many therapists available who specialize in gay and lesbian issues and provide a safe, nonjudgmental and understanding environment for the family. Frequently, gay and lesbian parented families will seek therapeutic help for guidance, support, and recognition that they may not be receiving from the broader social arena. Major issues affecting same-sex parented families that are often addressed in therapy:

  • Lesbian and gay parented families may have concerns about discrimination in parenting and custody arrangements. A parent’s minority sexual orientation and/or gender identity status may be brought up in custody disputes as a reason to restrict or deny custody by the children’s other parent and/or by the courts.
  • The many co-parenting and blended family complexities present for heterosexual parents can also be present for same-sex parents with the additional complexities of discrimination, stereotypes, and assumptions.
  • Relationships and problems with non-biological parent figures are common among lesbian and gay parented families simply due to the biological complexities involved with conceiving children when parents are the same sex.
  • In same-sex relationships, it is common for extended family to acknowledge intimate relationships differently from heterosexual relationships; this discriminatory treatment can be confounded by parenting relationships as well. Extended family may see parenting as a necessary step in validating a relationship for same-sex couples or they may view parenting with similar biased and discriminatory views, even denying one parent’s relationship to the children.
  • Explaining relationship status and family make-up to school professionals, medical professionals, children’s friends/parents, as well as explaining relationship status and family make-up to children, can be uniquely complex for same-sex parents. Though many family relationships may be complex, explaining family relationships is uniquely complex for lesbian and gay parented families because of the lack of societal norms and relevant examples in media, stereotyped notions about such relationships that are common, and the fear of discrimination faced by these families.
  • Competent parenting may be influenced by gay and lesbian parents’ ability to accept and acknowledge their identity and how they are able to negotiate living in a heterosexist, homophobic, or otherwise discriminatory society, while rearing their children in a family unit that is not socially sanctioned. Therapists acknowledge the prevalence both of homophobia that is experienced by the family as a result of the actions of others, as well as the existence of internalized homophobia and how this may impact families. Internalized homophobia is defined as a set of negative attitudes and affects toward homosexuality in other persons and toward homosexual features in oneself. Therapists will help illustrate to the family how homophobia could be impacting them. Both internalized homophobia and experiences of outside discrimination may mean that families need more time in therapy to build rapport with the therapist and to feel comfortable disclosing personal and family-related concerns.

This text was written by Deanna Linville, PhD, and Maya O’Neil, MS.

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Same-sex parents – two dads

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There are more same-sex couple families than ever before in Australia. More than 10,000 children live with same-sex parents in this country, and 1 in 20 male same-sex couples has children. If you are in a same-sex couple, this article will help you consider the important questions about becoming a dad.

The options for becoming a parent

Same-sex families can be created in many different ways. For example, a bisexual man may have a baby with a heterosexual woman. One or both of you may have children from a previous heterosexual relationship, or you may decide to adopt. A gay couple may have a co-parenting arrangement with a lesbian couple. Or a gay man can donate sperm to a single woman or same-sex female couple to have a baby.

These days, more same-sex male couples are creating their own families through surrogacy. There are two types. Full or gestational surrogacy is when a fertilised donor egg is implanted into a surrogate through in vitro fertilisation (IVF). The surrogate has no genetic connection to the baby. For legal reasons, this is the only type of surrogacy that many clinics in Australia will be involved in. Partial or traditional surrogacy is when the surrogate’s own egg is fertilised by the man’s sperm. This can be done at home or in an overseas clinic.

The surrogate can be someone you know, who may then be involved in the child’s life, or someone else. In Australia, commercial surrogacy is against the law, although you can pay a surrogate’s medical expenses. You cannot advertise for a surrogate or pay someone to find a surrogate for you.

Some men find a surrogate overseas, but this can be quite expensive. It’s also very important to understand the laws and regulations of the overseas country before you enter into any arrangement with a surrogate.

For more information on surrogacy, visit the Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority website.

Deciding on roles

Same-sex male couples tend to share parenting more equally than many heterosexual couples. Because a lot of planning usually goes into having a baby with a same-sex couple, there’s time to think about what it means to be a parent, what roles you will both have and who else will be involved in bringing up the child.

Research has shown that gay couples are more likely to share domestic duties and childcare fairly than heterosexual couples. Gay dads may be more involved in their children’s lives than heterosexual dads. Being a father can also raise your self-esteem and give you a sense of fulfilment.

There are different ways to involve the biological mother or other women in family life. For example, you may introduce the children to mothers, sisters or friends as female role models.

Social and psychological issues

Research has shown that children who grow up in same-sex families do as well emotionally, socially and educationally as any other children.

But even though there is more support than ever for same-sex families in Australia, some same-sex couples and their children are worried about being teased or bullied. It’s the stigma of others rather than growing up with two dads that can affect children’s wellbeing.

Surrounding your family with plenty of supportive friends, families and same-sex organisations and communities can help your family navigate discrimination.

Children usually find their own way of explaining their family set-up to other people. If you think your child is being bullied, it’s important to step in quickly. Schools and teachers are trained to deal with issues like this.

Work and legal issues

It’s important to obtain legal advice before you enter into any surrogacy arrangement.

Altruistic surrogacy (when the surrogate mother does not receive any financial compensation) is legal in Australia. However, the law does not obligate a birth mother to surrender the child. Sometimes a court may transfer legal parental rights to the commissioning parents.

The way in which Australian law applies to children born to surrogates overseas is sometimes confusing and there have even been cases where children have been left without legally-defined parents. Sometimes, commissioning parents will need to apply to the Family Court for parenting orders.

If you donated sperm to a woman, you have no legal rights or responsibilities concerning the child. The woman who gives birth to the child and her partner have full parental rights. When they turn 18, children conceived from a sperm donor have the right to information that identifies you.

Same-sex parents and their families have the same entitlements as everyone else when it comes to parental leave, tax, superannuation, social security and family assistance, child support and family law. They also have identical entitlements to the Pharmaceutical Benefits Scheme Safety Net and the Medicare Safety Net, immigration and citizenship.

If you are a same-sex parent, it’s important to let Centrelink know. You will be assessed for entitlements in the same way as everyone else. Depending on your circumstances, you may be eligible for child support or Dad and partner pay. Visit the Department of Social Services for more information.

More information and support

  • National LGBTI Health Alliance
  • OUTspoken families: A resource kit for rainbow families
  • PFLAG – Parents, Family and Friends of Lesbians and Gays
  • QLife (National counselling and referral service - call 1800 184 527
  • Student Wellbeing Hub

Sources:
Australian Bureau of Statistics (Census of population and housing reflecting Australia), Medical Journal of Australia (What makes a same-sex parented family?), Human Fertilisation and Embryology Authority (UK) (Same sex couples), Victorian Assisted Reproductive Treatment Authority (Considering IVF, donor treatment or surrogacy overseas), Australian Institute of Family Studies (Same-sex parented families in Australia), Australian Institute of Family Studies (Children's wellbeing in same-sex parented families), Australian Institute of Family Studies (Same-sex couple families in Australia), Australian Institute of Family Studies (Social support), Raising Children (School-age bullying: helping your child), Australian Institute of Family Studies (Families, policy and the law), Australian Department of Social Services (Recognition of same-sex relationships)

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Last reviewed: July 2020


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Related pages

  • Parental rights and finances
  • Surrogacy
  • Same-sex parents - two mums
  • Rainbow families

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Same-sex families: services & resources | Raising Children Network

Like all families, rainbow and same-sex families need support. Get links to services for rainbow and same-sex parents, their children and their communities.