Throwing things in anger

How to Cope with Them

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Trouble managing emotions

It’s normal to feel angry and sad when things don’t turn out how you hoped. But without good emotional regulation skills, some people have a hard time navigating those emotions in appropriate ways.

Say you meet with your boss to discuss a promotion. Your boss explains that while the company recognizes your dedication and effort, they want you to get more experience before you take on more responsibility. “Let’s talk again in 6 months,” they say.

Consider these two possible reactions:

You’re disappointed, but you quietly return to your office where you slam out a frustrated text to your partner.
“That’s ridiculous,” you exclaim, shoving back your chair so hard it topples over. “I’ve worked harder than anyone else, and you’ll regret passing me over.” You snatch up the documents you brought, ball them up, and throw them into the wastebasket with force, slamming the door on your way out.

Not everyone learns to express emotions in healthy ways. People who learned to suppress emotions often experience outbursts when they can no longer push them back.

Imagine a pot left to boil with the lid on. Eventually, the contents will bubble up and spill over, right? Emotions follow a similar pattern.

Depression

People most commonly associate depression with extreme sadness, low moods, and feelings of hopelessness. But depression can also involve uncharacteristic irritability and anger.

Someone dealing with depression-related anger might:

feel extreme rage in response to smaller-scale triggers
become angry and “blow up” when things go wrong
have trouble managing their anger response

Intermittent explosive disorder (IED)

IED involves repeated aggressive and angry outbursts that can resemble temper tantrums. Someone with IED might lose their temper while driving, scream at others, throw things, or even punch a hole in the wall.

The new edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) lays out two separate key criteria for diagnosis:

Uncontrollable tantrum-like behavior, like verbal or physical outbursts of anger or rage, about twice a week for at least 3 months. These tantrums won’t involve property destruction or damage or harm to anyone else.
At least three physical outbursts in the space of 1 year. These explosions of anger will involve harm to other people or pets, or damage to property and belongings.

Someone only needs to experience one of the above to meet the diagnostic criteria for IED.

These eruptions generally come and go fairly quickly. They can happen anywhere, and you might feel exhausted or guilty afterward.

Autism

Autism spectrum disorder can also involve meltdowns that seem like tantrums.

Meltdowns can happen in just about any situation. They might involve crying, screaming, throwing or breaking things, or other physical expressions of distress. Some people also withdraw or zone out.

Unlike temper tantrums, meltdowns don’t happen because someone is trying to get what they want. They happen in response to extreme overwhelm caused by:

stress
sensory overload
changes in routine

You might think of them as a loss of control that happens when you can no longer cope with a situation.

Tourette syndrome

This neurological tic disorder involves uncontrollable muscle spasms, but anywhere from 20 to 67 percent of people with Tourette syndrome may also have rage attacks, according to a 2020 research review.

The review authors noted that these attacks may be more common in people who also have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD).

These attacks generally happen in response to a specific situation, and they usually don’t last long. They tend to be more severe than the trigger would usually warrant. For example, shouting at a co-worker when you catch them using the coffee creamer you brought from home.

While someone might recognize their response as extreme and feel embarrassed and upset afterward, they still can’t help their reaction.

Experiencing meltdowns and rage attacks can be pretty upsetting. Even when you realize your reaction doesn’t really match the situation, you might feel powerless to calm down or react differently.

You might even notice physical symptoms, like:

a racing heart
tremors and shaking
tightness in your chest

While rage attacks and meltdowns may not necessarily be your fault, they can still harm you, as well as the people you love. These tips can help you begin taking back control.

Know your triggers

You can’t plan for every circumstance that triggers a meltdown or rage attack. Still, knowing what types of situations tend to make you angry or upset can help you come up with strategies to prevent outbursts.

Start by listing situations when you’ve lost control in the past, or tracking outbursts for several weeks to identify any patterns.

Maybe you notice you have the most difficulty controlling emotions:

after a long day
when spending too much time in social settings
when under a lot of stress
after something alters your routine

Once you’ve identified potential triggers, you can develop strategies to handle them:

If things in your environment upset you, you might try getting a cool drink, taking a walk, or finding a quiet place to be alone.
Outline a few ways to politely refuse changes in your routine that trigger distress.
Prepare a list of calming activities, like meditation or music.
Look for other ways you can express your anger, like drawing, writing in a journal, or playing music.

Practice relaxation techniques

While relaxation exercises can’t replace therapy and other professional treatment, they can help you manage anger and outbursts.

The key to success lies in practicing these techniques regularly. When they become part of your routine, it’s easier to reach for them when you become upset.

Helpful relaxation strategies for anger include:

visualization or guided imagery
progressive muscle relaxation
deep breathing
meditation

Find more anger management exercises here.

Practice good communication

When you’re really upset, it might feel satisfying to scream or kick furniture, but these actions don’t let other people know why you’re angry. These actions usually won’t do much to resolve the problem, either. You could also hurt yourself or someone else.

Improved communication can help you express anger in healthier ways. If you can name and describe specific emotions and feelings, other people have a better chance of understanding the problem and helping you resolve it.

Therapists can offer support with strengthening communication skills, but self-help books can also have benefit.

Here are a few titles to consider, all available for purchase online:

“Improve Your Social Skills” by Daniel Wendler
“Big Talk, Small Talk (and Everything in Between): Effective Communication Skills for All Parts of Your Life” by Shola Kaye
“Simply Said: Communicating Better at Work and Beyond” by Jay Sullivan
“Better Conversations: Coaching Ourselves and Each Other to Be More Credible, Caring, and Connected” by Jim Knight

Talk with a professional

It’s not always possible to manage rage attacks or tantrums yourself.

A therapist can teach you relaxation techniques and skills to better manage your feelings. These can help with any kind of tantrum or rage attack, regardless of the underlying cause.

Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), an approach that helps many people improve their ability to manage distress, may have particular benefit for IED.

Therapy also offers a safe space to get support with identifying and processing difficult feelings if you struggle with emotional regulation.

Very occasionally, uncontrollable rage could have an underlying medical or psychiatric cause. If you don’t see improvement after working with a therapist, you may want to make an appointment with your healthcare provider.

When someone you care about has tantrums or meltdowns, you might wonder how to best offer support or de-escalate the situation.

First, try to keep calm. This might be difficult if they seem to want to provoke you. If they say unkind things, you might begin to feel hurt and angry yourself.

Maybe they show their rage with the silent treatment; adult tantrums don’t always involve kicking and screaming.

Though being ignored might infuriate you, resist the temptation to blow up at them. Instead, take a few deep breaths, even a short break, before you try to respond.

Make sure you’re safe

Someone having a rage attack or meltdown might express anger and frustration physically. Maybe they don’t normally kick, hit, or throw things, but someone in the grips of rage may react differently than they ordinarily would.

Someone who knocks over furniture or punches holes in walls when angry isn’t necessarily abusive. Still, you want to avoid putting yourself at risk.

If you have any doubts as to whether someone might become physically aggressive or violent, it’s best to leave the room and give them some space to regain their calm.

Red flags

It’s never OK for someone to:

make all the decisions in the relationship
control your words and behavior
keep you from going to work, spending time with loved ones, or seeing your healthcare provider
threaten pets and children
destroy belongings
blame you for their behavior
take or control your money
pressure you to have sex
go through your phone and computer without permission

It’s best to talk with a therapist or advocate right away if your partner does any of these things, or you:

feel generally uneasy and unsafe
find yourself altering your behavior to keep them happy
believe they might hurt you if you don’t do what they ask

Our domestic violence resource guide can help you take the first step.

Offer empathy

Tantrums, rage attacks, and meltdowns are usually linked in some way to overwhelming situations or difficulty regulating emotions.

If you don’t know what upset your friend or loved one, ask. They may not respond until they feel calmer, but when they do, hear them out. Knowing someone cares can make it easier to explore solutions.

Showing understanding and compassion also helps validate their feelings:

“I see why that upset you so much. How can we solve the problem together?”

It can also help to consider the language you use. Calling the outburst a “tantrum” may make sense, but it’s also somewhat demeaning and could frustrate them even more.

Many people find it difficult enough to cope with rage attacks or meltdowns without also worrying what others think about them. In any case, outbursts related to mental health or neurological conditions generally aren’t considered tantrums.

Set boundaries

It can feel exhausting to cope with a friend or partner’s regular outbursts or meltdowns. Setting clear boundaries — and sticking to them — can help you protect your emotional well-being while still offering support.

Some examples:

“I’m happy to talk things through, but we can’t find a solution when you shout and throw things. Let’s have a conversation when you feel calmer.”
“I won’t stay in a relationship with someone who kicks and punches walls. If you’re willing to get help addressing your anger, I’m here to offer support.”

Everyone gets angry on occasion. It’s not unusual to lose your temper and react with angry outbursts when you’re under extreme stress or pushed to your limit.

Still, unchecked anger can affect your health, relationships, and everyday life.

If you find yourself having more regular fits of rage or distressing meltdowns, it may help to get some professional support identifying possible causes and exploring helpful coping strategies.

Crystal Raypole has previously worked as a writer and editor for GoodTherapy. Her fields of interest include Asian languages and literature, Japanese translation, cooking, natural sciences, sex positivity, and mental health. In particular, she’s committed to helping decrease stigma around mental health issues.

Why Do People Destroy or Punch Things When Upset?

Remember when the San Francisco Giants were playing the Miami Marlins in the summer of 2018? Giants pitcher Hunter Strickland blew a save—essentially causing his team to lose the game. In frustration, he punched a wall. He fractured his right hand in the process and couldn’t play for weeks on end.

Punching things, breaking things, throwing things out of frustration—some businesses have even found a way to monetize these common venting techniques. The Break Room, with locations all over the world, offers customers the chance to grab a bat or any other heavy stick of their choice and literally smash some dishes, glasses, or appliances in a room.

But why do so many people want to destroy or punch things when upset? And does it actually help?

The release of tension that brings us to acts of aggression when we’re mad is thought to be stress-relieving. Yelling, screaming, slamming doors, throwing things—these are all considered to have the same venting effect. Whether it’s a “no” from your parents to something you really wanted to do, receiving criticism, or a major breakup—these things can make you furious. In your rage, you may be shaking. Your heart may be pounding, your ears ringing, and you’re sweaty, hot and red-faced. You can’t think clearly, but you just know you need to punch something. Instead of a person, you pound your fist into a wall.

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Problem is, punching a wall isn’t really a solution. While it may or may not help you in the immediate moment with a cathartic release of stress (which is why some mental health treatment centers offer kickboxing as an experiential therapy), nothing really changes in terms of your anger management issues. In fact, one 1999 study suggested that people who punched something when upset actually became angrier and more aggressive later on than those who didn’t punch anything.

Ok, fine, I won’t punch a wall. What should I do instead?

We’re glad you asked.

There are definitely better ways to release your frustration and distress instead of engaging in activities that lead to fractured hands and trouble with your parents (and maybe even the police, if it’s public property damage). In Anger Management, a program often incorporated at teen mental health rehab centers, you learn that you don’t need to hold in your anger—you just need to express it in other ways.

Also, if you consistently struggle with anger, you may want to consider whether you have a mental health issue. This can be oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD), or conduct disorder—all characterized by extreme anger and irritability.

Or, it can be another mental health issue like depression or anxiety. Those who struggle with excessive anger are more likely to be clinically depressed or anxious too. Why? Anger ruins family relationships, friends, jobs, and more. It negatively affects every area of one’s life. Teens with anger issues often have low self-esteem, because of the shame or remorse they feel after acting out. It could go the other way, too, though—with anger being a symptom of depression. In fact, in the DSM, irritability and angry outbursts are symptoms of depression for adolescents.

If you do have a diagnosed mental health issue, you might need to attend a teen rehab center. There are residential treatment centers (RTC), intensive outpatient programs (IOP), and partial hospitalization programs (PHP) for adolescents who struggle with extreme anger. There are also dual-diagnosis treatment programs for teens who have substance abuse problems in addition to their anger issues. But even if you don’t have an official mental health disorder, you should still get help for your anger if it’s becoming detrimental in your life.

What if My Spouse Punches Walls When Angry?

Punching a wall when angry is often considered to be a sign of domestic abuse. Throwing things when angry, breaking things when angry, and slamming doors when angry are all serious signs that an anger management program might be needed to help your spouse learn how to manage their anger in a way that doesn’t involve violence.

If your spouse’s anger leads to behavior that frightens you or leaves you feeling like you’re walking on eggshells, they’re not the only person who would benefit from professional help. Living with someone who has a hard time controlling their anger takes a serious mental and emotional toll.

Speaking with a therapist can help you understand how your spouse’s actions are impacting you and provide support as you figure out how to navigate your relationship.

Asking for help is especially important if you and your spouse have children. A key element of child abuse prevention is recognizing when children are living in a physically or emotionally unsafe environment and taking the necessary steps to make positive changes.

Why Do People Hit Themselves When Angry?

There are two main reasons why people hit themselves when angry: to “punish” themselves and to create a distraction from the feelings they’re experiencing. Struggling to manage anger can lead to feelings of low self-esteem and frustration at the self, and hitting oneself is sometimes an attempt to deal with those feelings.

All forms of self-harm, including hitting yourself when angry, happen because the act of self-harm creates an emotional response. Often, that response is a sense of relief that comes from being distracted by a new sensation.

Regardless of why it happens, hitting yourself while angry is an attempt at coping, and a professional can help provide healthier coping skills for managing acts of impulsive anger.

Is It Normal to Punch Holes in the Wall?

It’s fairly common to see people on TV and in movies punch a wall when they’re angry. However, most people can refrain from violent and destructive acts, even when they’re very upset.

Punching holes in walls is a serious sign that you’d benefit from professional anger management treatment. A program can teach you the skills to regulate and process anger without resorting to physical violence.

Why Do I Want to Break Things for No Reason?

Experiencing a sudden urge to break things or looking for something to punch when angry isn’t exactly a typical response to anger, but it is understandable. Everyone experiences emotions differently. For some people, anger can be an intense experience.

It’s normal to want to find an outlet for aggression, especially when anger feels overwhelming. The key to healthy anger management is to find an outlet that doesn’t cause harm or involve violence.

If you feel the sudden urge to break things when you’re not angry, it’s a sign that you may be repressing your feelings. A mental health professional can help you develop a deeper understanding and can guide you to find outlets that help you identify your emotions and process them in a healthy way.

Does Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Help Cure Anger Problems?

Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is a highly effective method of helping people learn how to manage feelings of anger. Anger problems don’t get “cured,” but they can get better.

Anger issues happen for different reasons. They could be related to factors like unresolved trauma, the effects of alcohol abuse, or imbalanced brain chemistry. It’s not uncommon for parents dealing with childhood anger to be left deeply confused by their child’s behavior.

Whatever the reason behind anger, CBT is a style of therapy that can provide the insight and skills to develop a different approach to handling emotions.

Final Thoughts

Dealing with overwhelming anger, especially when it leads to violent behavior, isn’t fun for anyone. Anger management treatment can be a life-changing experience for you and your loved ones.

Punching a wall when angry isn’t normal, and it isn’t healthy. The good news is that it is possible to learn alternatives. You just have to recognize there’s a problem and ask for help.

Evolve offers CARF and Joint Commission accredited treatment for teens with mental health disorders and/or substance abuse. Your child will receive the highest caliber of care in our comfortable, home-like residential treatment centers. We offer a full continuum of care, including residential, partial hospitalization/day (PHP), and intensive outpatient treatment (IOP).

To speak with our admissions coordinators, call: (800) 665-4769

Yael Klein

Originally from California, Yael combines her background in English and Psychology in her role as Content Writer for Evolve Treatment Centers.

Healthy aggression: 5 ways to deal with anger

Health

Author Yulia Tsiruleva

June 19, 2019

Feeling angry is a normal human reaction. It is important to let it out, but in a way that is not destructive to you or to others. And here's how you can do it.

When we condemn ourselves for being angry, it doubles the annoyance and makes the situation worse. Experts advise to recognize unpleasant feelings and try to find the cause of aggression. Perhaps a colleague who didn’t notice you at the meeting felt bad, and a loved one was late for a date because he unexpectedly got stuck in traffic, and not because he neglected your time. If anger is the result of actions that really threaten your well-being, then being aware of this will help protect yourself. Psychologists have developed simple techniques to deal with negative feelings and learn how to behave better.

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The easiest and fastest way to calm down is to even out your breathing. The brain does not know how to immediately disconnect from strong emotions, so you need to help it pause with the help of breathing exercises. Try to take a few deep breaths in and out, trying to breathe in your belly. Measured breathing allows you to get rid of unpleasant emotions and tune in to a calm, relaxed state.

Crying is a natural biological mechanism that allows you to throw out negative emotions and reduce stress. You can scream in the car or at home, loudly, at the top of your voice or into a pillow. Try to watch a sports match and cheer. Or scream to the music - the latest research shows that heavy metal, punk and hard rock are calming and help neutralize anger and bad moods. Be prepared for the fact that after a scream, the reaction may change to uncontrollable laughter.

For example, beat a pillow. Fists, legs, tennis racket - as you like. You can get yourself a special durable “whipping pillow” - old sofa cushions are well suited for this. If possible, spend five minutes exercising or dancing. A short, simple exercise helps to get rid of stress, calm down and improve mood.

Another useful way to deal with anger is to clean up. Use the energy of aggression to clean windows, take apart cabinets, or move furniture. If you want to destroy more than clean up, use a special service where you can beat dishes, misbehave and smash appliances and furniture to pieces.

We often avoid unpleasant conversations until the very end for fear of offending the interlocutor, making the situation worse, or in response to an important request to be rejected. But the accumulated negative emotions and unspoken desires do not go anywhere. In this state, a minor occasion can provoke an outburst of anger.

Try to talk directly to others about your condition. Close and beloved people, friends, colleagues may not realize that you lack their attention, you feel offended and forgotten.

When deciding to talk, try to avoid accusations and criticism. You may need to apply one of the previous methods first, or even try them all. The best way to use I-messages is to talk about your feelings in the first person. Then you can calmly explain what hurt or angered you. Ask the interlocutor to explain his position - probably together you can understand the situation and find a solution.

Psychologists believe that it is useful to express anger and resentment on paper or in a computer file - this is another way to throw out what has accumulated inside. Try writing a letter to someone who made you angry or offended. No need to focus on writing coherent, beautiful text: write whatever you think and feel. Then the file can be deleted, and the paper letter can be torn or burned. Or, if you want, edit the text and send it to the addressee.

Beat the plates. Psychologists - how to cope with the accumulated aggression | Psychology and health | Health

09.02.2018 16:13

Alena Talypova

Estimated reading time: 4 minutes

14637

According to psychologists, women are more likely than men to have trouble expressing anger. / composita / pixabay.com

In many cities of Russia, “aggression rooms” began to appear, where for a certain fee you will be allowed to break several plates or break furniture with a sledgehammer. Psychologists told AiF-Chelyabinsk whether it is possible to really get rid of negative emotions in this way and why it is impossible to accumulate anger in oneself.

Diseases from resentment

“One of my clients told me that at a certain period of her life she had a difficult relationship with her husband, in which she felt offended. The woman was patient and did not talk about her feelings. After some time, she developed a severe sore throat, which did not allow her to sleep and live normally. At some point, she could not stand it, grabbed and smashed several plates in front of her husband. And she did it very emotionally and with loud cries. Half an hour later, the woman was surprised to find that her sore throat was gone. Absolutely. In my opinion, if anger has accumulated, then it’s worth “letting off steam,” says psychologist Olga Fedoseeva.

However, the specialist warns that such methods of discharge still need to be treated with caution and should not be resorted to constantly.

“I have examples when people, having got rid of anger with the help of “therapeutic beating”, received negative consequences: a strong decline in physical strength, a decrease in mood, and even depression. The fact is that anger arises in a person as a reaction to the fact that the feelings and actions of another person do not meet his expectations. This discrepancy between reality and a fictional picture of the world causes an emotional reaction in the form of anger. In the future, anger, as an emotion, is transformed into feelings: resentment, grief, regret. If you break the plates (and “with feeling”), the emotional charge decreases. And then the person becomes easier. But the problem is not going anywhere. Unrealistic expectations remain. And along with them, resentment, pain, disappointment, sadness, regret remain with the person. If you do not solve the problem for a long time, then it tends to intensify. Therefore, it is very important to resolve the contradictions that arise, ”the psychologist notes.

It is impossible to be silent

“Our culture suppresses any manifestation of aggression, we are taught from childhood to smile, to yield. Over time, we unlearn how to feel our aggression at all. Instead of expressing it peacefully in the early stages, when it is just irritation, we accumulate it until it turns into rage and literally starts to tear us apart, ”psychologist Oksana Istomina shares her observations .

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According to the specialist, the desire to break something speaks of tension, which at any moment can turn into uncontrollable rage. Therefore, it is better not to bring yourself to such a state, but to solve the problem in the early stages.

“Don't hush up what you don't like, talk about it. Express your emotions bodily: wave your hands in frustration, sigh loudly, stomp your feet, knock on the table. The main thing is not to use force against other people,” says the psychologist.

Who are you angry at?

According to psychologist Yana Denisova , it is often more difficult for women to express accumulated anger than for men.

“Female aggression is taboo in our society. From childhood, most girls are taught: “Girls should not be angry”, “This is very ugly”! Therefore, in women, aggression constantly stagnates and does not allow them to live normally. It is best to give vent to your anger by using the body: it is useful to hit a pear, a pillow, kick and scream, you can tear paper, chop wood, play machines with hits on pop-up targets, ”advises the psychologist.

The specialist notes that during the above procedures it is important to be aware of what or with whom you are angry.

“You can also vent your grievances to an empty chair, introducing, of course, the culprit. After you manage to release the accumulated anger, it will become much easier to adequately respond to insults already in real life, ”says Yana Denisova.