How to punish my child

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

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As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

1. Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.

2. Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.

3. Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.

4. Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.

5. Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.

6. Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").

7. Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.

8. Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.

9. Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.

10. Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

• Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
• Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
• Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.
  

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

More information

• 15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
• How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
• Disciplining Older Children
• How to Give a Time-Out
• Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated

11/5/2018

Source

American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

Disciplining children: An age-by-age guide

What's the best way to discipline a toddler? And what do you do when your kid won't listen to you? Here is an age-by-age guide to discipline your child.

As kids grow and change, so does their behaviour. The child who doesn’t throw tantrums at two may sass you at seven, and give you major attitude at 12. The best way to understand your children’s behaviour is to understand what they’re going through developmentally, say the experts. This knowledge will help you with disciplining children without resorting to yelling, threatening or having a meltdown yourself. “Discipline is about guiding and teaching our children — it’s not about punishment or anger,” says Scott Wooding, a child psychologist in Calgary and author of The Parenting Crisis. “It’s simply a way of helping kids learn right from wrong, and keeping them safe. ” Here are some strategies to keep your kids on track at every age and stage.

How to discipline your toddler

Where they’re at: Your little guy isn’t whining, fussing or having temper tantrums to manipulate you or make you angry, says Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution. “Mostly toddlers misbehave because they can’t express or control their emotions. They also tend to be very demonstrative. So when they’re happy, they’re very happy. And when they’re upset, they’ve very upset.” Your tot is naturally inquisitive, so it’s only normal for him to get into everything. His job is to test his new sense of independence; yours is to set limits.

Tantrums: These emotional blow-ups are usually the result of your child’s anger and frustration at not being able to say, do or get what he wants, says Pantley. He also has a very short fuse when he’s tired, hungry, bored or frustrated. Tantrums are a surefire way of letting you know: “I really need a drink/snack/toy/nap — right now!”

Contrariness: Offer your two-year-old an apple and she wants a banana. Dress her in pink and she wants to wear brown. Your toddler is in the early stages of forming an identity separate from you, and part of the process may be deciding if you want it, she doesn’t. Her favourite word: NO!

Offer choices: Toddlers are all about independence and control, so you can avoid a lot of problems by giving them a little more say in their lives, says Pantley. Two choices are enough for this age group, for example, “What do you want to do first: brush your teeth or put on your PJs?”

Keep your cool: Toddlers thrive on attention — positive or negative — so if you overreact when your child intentionally dumps her cereal, or has a meltdown in the grocery store, you can bet she’s going to do it again. Calmly let her know that we don’t pour our food on the floor or scream when we can’t have another cookie. Keep it short and simple (no lectures, please) or you’ll just confuse her.

Nip tantrums in the bud: Minimize meltdowns by finding out what triggers them. If your tot always loses it when she’s hungry, make a point of having lots of healthy snacks on hand. If she gets upset when she has to leave the park, give her lots of warning (10 minutes, five minutes, two minutes) before you start packing up. And limit visits to notorious trouble spots, such as the toy store.

Take a time out: By the time your child is two, time outs can be an effective discipline tool, say the experts at the Canadian Paediatric Society. If your tot angrily whacks his playmate over the head, take him to a designated time-out area where he can calm down and get control of himself. Explain to him what he’s done wrong, using simple words like “no hitting.” Time outs should only last for one minute per year of age, to a maximum of five minutes.

How to discipline your preschooler

Where they’re at Your preschooler’s memory and communication skills are developing and he’s better able to follow instructions and understand explanations. This age group is busy figuring out tricky social skills, such as sharing, manners and getting along with friends, says Pantley. “They’re learning so much more about the world, but as their horizons expand, they have a lot more to deal with and they don’t know quite how to handle everything.”

Whining: “It’s as painful to listen to as nails being scratched on a chalkboard — and it’s effective because you just want the noise to stop,” says Ari Brown, a paediatrician and author of Toddler 411. When whining becomes a habit, your child may not even realize she’s doing it.

Not listening: Your preschooler is glued to the TV, ignoring your repeated attempts to call him to dinner. “Asking a child something three, five or 10 times makes raging lunatics out of all of us, and a child learns he doesn’t actually have to respond until you’re hysterical,” says Sarah Chana Radcliffe, Toronto author of Raise Your Kids Without Raising Your Voice.

Never ask more than twice: Here’s how it works:

• Ask once nicely (“Please put your toys away”).
• Ask a second time, but warn of a negative consequence if your child doesn’t listen (“I asked you to please put your toys away. If you haven’t done it by the time I count to five, I’ll have to keep them from you until tomorrow evening”). Avoid making unrealistic threats like “Slam that door and you’ll never watch TV again!”
• Apply the negative consequence, if necessary. “If you don’t make good on your promise of discipline,” says Radcliffe, “you lose credibility.”

Catch them being good: Your preschooler really does want to please you, so make a point of encouraging him when he answers the first time you call him or shares a favourite toy. “We often pay attention to the behaviours we dislike and pay very little attention to the behaviours we want to see more of,” says Terry Carson, a parenting coach in Toronto.

Model the behaviour you want to see” Children learn a lot more from what we do than what we say. If you lose your cool when you’re upset, expect your preschooler to do the same. If your child is a champion whiner, he may just be mimicking how you sound when you ask him to clean up his messy room.

How to discipline your school-aged kid

Where they’re at: “Big kids” are now better able to express their feelings and to demonstrate self-control, so this is a prime time to lay the foundation for future behaviour, says Radcliffe. “Whatever happens between the ages of five and 10 tends to have a major impact on what’s going to take place in the teen years.”

General compliance: “At this age, discipline is all about trying to get your child to do what he’s supposed to do — clean up, make it out the door on time, get his homework done,” says Radcliffe. “While preschoolers can be challenging that way too, it’s a lot tougher with this age group since you can’t just pick them up and put them into bed or carry them out the door. ”

Take a coach approach: Coaches use questions beginning with what and how to help team members reach their goals, says Carson. If your son has a fight with a friend, ask him, “What could you do differently the next time?” Your goal is to help him learn from the mistakes he made this time so he can do better the next time.

Push the rewind button: When possible, give your child a second chance. Explain what she’s done wrong and remind her of the behaviour you’d like to see. And thank her when she gets it right, says Carson.

Use logical consequences: Otherwise known as cause and effect, these should be directly related to your child’s behaviour. If your eight-year-old is late for school because she had trouble getting up in the morning, make bedtime earlier the next few nights rather than revoking her TV privileges. The best consequences are the ones whereby your child learns something.

How to discipline your tween

Where they’re at: “Tweens are starting to spread their wings and they want to go further, stay out longer and do more with their peers,” says Radcliffe. That can be scary for parents (especially with the first child) who don’t want to give up the control. The result? A seismic power struggle.

Backtalk: These are prime years for backtalk as tweens gain independence and want to see how you respond if they exert control, says Michele Borba, author of The Big Book of Parenting Solutions. This is also the stage when kids want to “fit in” and appear “cool,” so they may copy their peers’ behaviour.

Contrariness: Preteens are ready to argue, debate and take you on every chance they get, especially if they think you’re being unfair. “Typically, problems with preteens revolve around privilege and freedom issues — how much time they can spend on the computer, whether or not they can have a cellphone, a later curfew or are allowed to text,” says Radcliffe.

Don’t dictate: When you’re setting rules and limits, involve your young debater in the process. Explain your position, listen to his, and then compromise where you can. If your 11-year-old wants to bump up his bedtime to 10 p.m., but you’d rather he go to bed at 9, for example, tell him you’ll try out 9:30, provided he isn’t nodding off at school. “A willingness to be flexible and negotiate with your kids will garner you more co-operative behavior in the future,” says Carson.

Negotiate later: Parents often try to reason with their tweens when they’re in the middle of a hissy fit, says Carson. “What we’re teaching them is that as long as they complain loudly enough, we’ll be flexible.” Be firm in the moment, then negotiate later when everyone has calmed down.

Use when and then: “When you’ve finished your homework, then you can play computer games. ” “This is a phrase that works well for this age group, since you’re still giving your child free will,” says Radcliffe.

Have clear expectations: “I will not tolerate rudeness,” may be number one on your list. Whenever your tween uses a sassy tone (or engages in yelling, name-calling, put-downs or insults), call her on it immediately, says Borba. “Make it clear that you expect respect, and that telling you to ‘chill out’ when you talk to her is unacceptable.”

How to discipline your teen

Where they’re at: “Parents need to realize that brain changes are taking place, hormonal changes are taking place,” says Wooding, “and kids just aren’t in complete control of their own behaviour.” The drive for independence becomes a dominant force in your teen’s life, and his peer group rules.

Major attitude: Your child may not be an adult yet, but don’t try telling him that! “Teens want to make all their own decisions, and they’re trying to do things they’re not quite ready to do,” says Wooding. “The trouble is teens don’t always make good decisions since they’re based on emotion rather than reason or logic.”

Don’t take it personally Your teen is not trying to find ways to make you angry, even if it seems that way, says Wooding. Stay calm and tell yourself it isn’t personal (“My child isn’t attacking my authority, she isn’t attacking my parenting — she just isn’t getting what she wants right now”). You can’t have an argument if only one person is arguing.

Keep setting appropriate limits: Teens feel more secure when they have clear boundaries on issues like homework and curfews, says Wooding, but don’t make them up on the fly. Sit down with your teen in late August and hammer out the rules for the upcoming school year. Remember as well to build in more freedom and responsibility as your child grows.

5 golden rules of discipline

1. Stand firm.
We all hate conflict, but if you don’t stick to the rules and consequences you set up, your kids aren’t likely to either, says Wooding.

2. Pick your battles.
Give the small things small attention and the big things big attention, and you’ll be happier and calmer — and (bonus!) your children will be happier, calmer and better behaved too, says Pantley.

3. Praise, don’t punish.
Try to practise “good feeling” discipline most of the time, says Radcliffe. “Simply put, your tone of voice, your behaviour, the words you’re using, should all feel good to your child 80 percent of the time. If you can do that, you can do no wrong.”

4. Set clear rules and expectations.
A carefully selected bunch of age-appropriate rules can make family life a whole lot smoother and easier, says Radcliffe. For example, the “no cookies before dinner” rule prevents regular arguments about snacking before supper. The “no computer after 10 p.m.” rule stops a nightly dispute about shutting down the PC.

5. Provide unconditional love.
Yes, it’s a no-brainer, but children need to know you love them, every day, even when they’ve done something bad.

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FILED UNDER: age by age Discipline Preschool behaviour service seo Toddler behaviour Toddler development

7 ways to punish a child

Imagine this picture. You come home tired after a long day at work. Traditionally, you look around. The child is intact, all the furniture is in place, the flowers are in pots, you can exhale ... And then your Barsik comes out to meet you, crookedly trimmed like a lion. And in the back is a contented young hairdresser.

What to do? Shout, spank, put in a corner? What if you want to do everything at once? Take your time. Calm down using the methods we wrote about earlier and read this article.

We remembered the most common types of punishment and added to each item the opinions “for” and “against” parents from various forums and social network pages.

1. Use force.
Very many parents argue for hours on thematic forums about whether or not to use physical force as a method of education. Some are categorically against it and are ready to defend this position with foam at the mouth, others believe that nothing will come of a few slaps, others say that you can’t educate without a belt.

FOR:

“People must not be beaten, neither big nor small. But if a person has a tantrum, then they stop him with a slap in the face, right? Yes, in the vast majority of cases (in my opinion) the physical "punishment" of a child is a sign of the helplessness of parents and a pedagogical "fiasco". But there are cases when a child can be brought to life only with a slap on the pope? (while remaining calm internally and, oddly enough, based on parental love).

“It's one thing to 'hit' children and quite another to 'slap on the ass'. At the age of one, no one punished anyone, but now my son is 2.5 years old and sometimes he earns slaps on the pope. Both me and my sister were slapped on the buttocks in childhood, and once I even pulled out my belt (for the cause, I remember myself). They grew up as ordinary, well-mannered and people-loving girls. My husband was beaten up thoroughly in childhood, he also seemed to be well-mannered, but there is anger at his parents. Maybe send (heard once :((((
Thus, my conclusion boils down to the fact that rare slaps on the bottom (on business) are sometimes simply irreplaceable. And they have nothing to do with the concept of "beating", "beating" a child.
I also like a way of calming down - once with a strap to slap, and then only to scare them, they say, now I’ll take the strap…”

AGAINST:

“I was beaten as a child for all sorts of nonsense. Well what can I say? Let them not be surprised that I rarely call, I come even less often, and what should we talk about?
And in fact, it’s not about the beating, but about the parents’ unwillingness to understand their child (in my case). Of course, I worry about them and hope that everything is fine with them, but I get zero support from them.”

“I don’t understand and don’t accept slaps on the buttocks and other punishments either. Our parents never touched us with a finger, everything went in an educational conversation. I have never hit my child or put it in a corner either. Think for yourself when you say the word DO NOT! what does this mean for the child? He doesn't understand that it's impossible, does he? why not? I let my child try everything. So that he understands my words. Want to touch a hot kettle? - let me touch it with your finger, let him understand that it’s impossible, it means dangerous. Let him take scissors and, under your supervision, cut the paper, sew with a needle, prick himself. So that the word cannot be an empty sound. Let him soil his clothes on the street, jump in a puddle, enjoy (you need to have clothes for the street that you can carry in the mud) This is childhood and you need to learn and try everything. My child spills a mug every day. What should I do? but doesn't it happen to you? no mood, broken dishes, don't want to swim today. After all, no one hits you in the ass. You want the child to be and behave according to your model, which you have made in your head. And a child is a personality in the first place, and this must be taken into account.

_{5 SITUATIONS WHEN YOU REALLY SHOULD NOT PUNISH A CHILD}

2. Screaming.
Is it possible or impossible to yell at a child? Multi-page forums are full of topics: "I'm yelling at a child: what should I do?!" Here, opinions differ a little less than on the issue of spanking, most parents are against screaming, but then they themselves become ashamed of intemperance. That is why these topics appear on the forums.

FOR:

“That happens sometimes. You tell him one, two, three, four times - as if into a void, zero reaction, then how you bark ... And everything comes right away !!!

“I also yell sometimes, I can’t help myself. Especially when you have to repeat it for the hundredth time - and you took your hat, but then you put it down, but you did it. And nothing, or yes, yes, and then everything is forgotten, yelling ... Of course, not good, but how it helps. The main thing is not to share, so as not to get used to yelling.

Vs: ​​

“(Parents) yell out of impotence when they cannot or do not know how to behave. Further - for the daughter, this is an example of how to behave, and she will hysteria in response. Children are a mirror image of their parents, they are very attentive and far from stupid. Ideally, one glance should be enough for a parent to make the child understand that he is upsetting his behavior.

“Will you put yourself in the place of a child? or imagine that you are already a lady in age, and your already adult daughter, due to various problems, fatigue, yells at her already elderly mother?
how will you feel?”.

_{DO SCARY TOYS HARM CHILDREN}

3. Intimidate.
We all know sayings in the spirit of "if you don't obey, I'll give it to Baba Yaga." And again: “Everything! Now I will throw away all your toys!”. Both promises are unfulfilled, the child, after the first unfulfilled word, may stop taking you seriously. But many people think it helps. And they hope that Baba Yaga will really take the naughty child at least for a couple of hours.

FOR:

“My children are phone addicts, so if they try to make a fuss, I say that if it happens again, I will take the phone away and not give it back. Children very quickly accept the rules of the game.

“My daughter has a sweet tooth. It is worth telling her that I myself will eat all the sweets (of course I won’t eat it, we have a lot of it), as soon as - mommy mommy, I won’t do it anymore. Works flawlessly."

AGAINST:

“Intimidation by no one knows what is a dubious option, it is not known how it will affect the child. Well, for example, he meets an old woman on the street and thinks this is the same Baba Yaga, stress.
If you want to scare, although it is better to threaten, with something specific, so that there is no flight of fancy that will lead you nowhere.”

“Most often, fear is caused by incorrect tactics of education, it arises as a result of various kinds of intimidation. For example: “you behave badly, aunt doctor will give an injection” or “I’ll give it to my uncle policeman” or “if you don’t obey, the dog will drag you away”, etc. And then the harmless Sharik, who influences with his tail, runs up to the baby, becomes a super-strong irritant, and a doctor who comes to a sick child terrifies him. ”

4. Deprive something.

Taking away your favorite toy, banning sweets or a tablet, not letting you go to the movies - these are the things parents often do in response to a child's antics. Seems pretty logical. He made us bad - here we are bad for you, an eye for an eye, a phone - for a service broken by a ball.

FOR:

“We punish our child like this: we take away all the cars with which he plays. If he is very guilty of something, then he is left without toys for two or three days. We also put it in a corner, thank God that I began to understand what it is and why they put it there.”

“It is best to deprive a child of something. For example, if he tears books, spoils toys - pick up and not give back for a long time. If an older child began to study poorly due to too frequent hanging out on the Internet, remove the tablet, phone. Depriving sweets, cartoons, walks is sometimes pointless, because there are children who will say that they don’t really need it. I judge by myself and my child.”

AGAINST:

“You can't treat all children with the same brush. I have two children and I have to apply my own method to each. If the eldest son has always been affected by isolation and deprivation of any benefits and pleasures, then the younger child is very stubborn and this does not affect him, it helps to express his disappointment with such behavior and talk about the inadmissibility of such behavior.

“It's wrong to take your favorite. And if your phone was taken away at work for going out to answer the call, you probably wouldn’t like it. There should be a punishment such as an act. If you broke it - clean it up, shouted - apologize and you can always agree, not take it away.

5. Organize a boycott.
Why shout or fight when you can just keep quiet? Let the child himself understand what is the matter, while the mother silently goes about her business. Quiet mother, quiet child, peace and quiet...

FOR:

“But my parents punished me with complete disregard: it came quickly - I realized how nasty I acted, that they don’t even want to talk to me, they don’t even want to look in my direction. Hitting and shouting is useless, I generally consider the corner stupid and pointless. I stop talking to my children too, the effect comes faster - they themselves come up, voice their act and behave differently. It is necessary that the child himself analyze his behavior and understand what he is wrong about.

“I did not punish children. But she herself was very upset and fell silent. Both my daughter and son were very worried that I was silent and began to ask me why I looked so sad and why I was silent. It was then that I explained to them the reason for my sadness, they themselves asked for forgiveness, we reconciled and our differences were extinguished by hugs.

AGAINST:

“In my opinion, it would be much better to discuss with the child the reason for your dissatisfaction, explain why his act is not good and why it is not worth doing this in the future. Ignoring the baby and not talking to him is really not very good. Firstly, the child may not understand why the mother was offended by him. Secondly, he will get used to "hushing up" problems, and in the future this will not bring anything good.

“A child is not a telepath to understand why his mother harbored a grudge, especially a baby. This will put pressure on him, but he may not guess or not want to ask. As a result, half an hour of silence and frustrated mom and baby, who needs this?

_{WHEN IT IS POSSIBLE TO LET THE CHILDREN GO OUT UNATTENDED}

6. Put in a corner.
Another topic under discussion - is it possible to put in a corner? Some say that it is possible, they put them in, they put their children in, and they will put theirs in. There is nothing better than a time-tested remedy. Others say that their children do not stand in the corners and in general negative energy accumulates there. Who is right is up to you.

FOR:

“The best method of punishment, according to our doctor, is the good old Corner. For hooliganism, refusal to obey, unreasonable whims that did not stop after the first (!) warning, you need to take the child by the hand, look into his eyes, briefly and clearly say what he is being punished for, and take him to an empty corner, better even in another room , and forbid them to leave him (if he leaves without asking, return them)".

“My daughter was 1.5 years old and stood at the computer and demanded to turn on the cartoon. started whining (not crying), freaking out, stomping I wasn't going to turn it on and said "no". took me to a corner, said that as soon as she stopped being naughty, she would be able to leave. and not a minute passed like a child and forgot about his hysteria. now he starts to command, do you want me in a corner? the baby becomes obedient immediately. True, I don’t often threaten with a corner, so that we don’t become like a joke. ”

AGAINST:

“As far as I remember I was little and I was put in a corner, but the thing is that I don’t remember what I was thinking, but as a rule I didn’t feel guilty, apparently because my mother I didn’t spend a lot of time explaining, I just set it and that’s it. She also put her eldest son, a little one, in a corner “to think about his behavior”, learning from parental mistakes, she spent time explaining the reason for the punishment. My son usually “thought” there lying down, sitting, and it’s also not clear what:)”.

“Not everyone can be put in a corner. My brother was standing, but I wasn’t, I just went out and started doing some other things. I could either be asked not to do / do something, or clearly explain why such requirements were made to me. Usually after that I easily went to an agreement. I never put my daughter in the corners, but if the child got really naughty, I took her to another room, sat next to her and analyzed in detail what exactly seemed wrong to me in her behavior, then offered to sit and think what was the reason and how avoid mistakes. "

7. Make you work hard.

Another common type of punishment is labor. Most often - housework. “Now you’ll be washing dishes for three weeks!” And they unloaded themselves, and the child was punished, and the dishes will be clean. The truth may not be very whole, if your bastard gets tired of it all.

FOR:

“Hello, I think that the most important types of punishment are labor and deprivation of some pleasures. Labor always helps a child to improve, and who ennobles labor for a husband, and will help to realize his actions.

“Now children have no labor discipline at all, they need to be taught somehow, at least like that. But the housework will be done and the child will work hard. If my son behaved badly, I would leave him at home with a computer for the weekend, and send him to his grandfather’s dacha to build a well.”

AGAINST:

“Once, with a fool, apparently, due to absenteeism at school, I forced the child to wash all the floors in the house. Well, of course, he washed his son, but since then he has been hostile to any request for help with cleaning. He also has his own duties around the house, but now the floors are just for absenteeism, apparently.

“No way!!! This is not a punishment, but you are one family and should distribute the work around the house, and not punish her. And will you wash the dishes only on holidays or what?”.

What else can you advise parents when punishing a child?

• One crime - one punishment corresponding to the misdemeanor. Do not be cruel to petty offenses and do not let a child get away with serious offenses.
• The child must know the rules of conduct. If you didn’t explain to him in advance what you can and cannot do, then this is more your fault than his fault.
• Do not overtighten. The child quickly forgets what he did. Punishment should follow immediately after, and not in the evening, when you have time.
• Be calm. If you constantly raise your voice, then the child will get used to it and stop perceiving it as a threat. And at the same time, he will adopt this type of behavior for himself.
• Check with spouse/relatives. If dad scolds and mom forgives, then the child will very quickly begin to manipulate the situation in his favor. You must be in solidarity, at least from the point of view of the child.
• Reprimand a child alone. You should not punish a child in public, it puts a lot of pressure psychologically.
• Do not punish your child for what you yourself sin. If before that you carefully trimmed the cat's coat, do not be surprised that the child decided to repeat after you.
• Reward good behavior. Remember that in addition to the whip, there is also a carrot.
  Consider the age and nature of the child. In different periods, different disciplinary measures apply to children.
• It is clear that putting a schoolboy in a corner is no longer appropriate for his age. In addition, do not forget about his personality. If your child is usually sad and thoughtful - do not use the "intimidation" method, if he is too active - morality reading will not help, etc.

Children obedient to you and fewer reasons to punish them!

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How to properly punish a child: 10 important rules of

Maria Merolaeva, clinical psychologist, family psychotherapist

Some parents believe that a child is a source of sins and vices, it is necessary to punish him, using physical force, not sparing, otherwise nothing good will grow out of him. As a rule, they defend their position by saying that “we were beaten in childhood, and we grew up to be good people”, citing as an example those who grew up “not very”, which means, most likely, “they beat us a little”. The meaning of such a model of education is to subordinate the will of the child to himself, "so that he does not do stupid things."

The other extreme is to avoid any punishment, justifying it by saying that the child is “small, he just doesn’t understand what he is doing, he doesn’t do it on purpose, you just need to be able to negotiate with him” and so on. Thus, parents, without noticing it themselves, remove responsibility from their child. This model has become widespread in connection with the growth of the "value of the child" and denies the very idea of ​​\u200b\u200bthe family hierarchy.

In fact, neither the first nor the second option is allowed. It is impossible to use physical and moral violence (to threaten, not to talk, blackmail, shout) to a child in any case. Of course, there are cases when a parent, under the influence of emotions, loses control and can spank or raise his voice, but deliberately making a child suffer means not leaving him a chance to develop such feelings as compassion, regret, not giving him the opportunity to realize that he is important and expensive.

Most often, parents who are afraid of offending him, harming him, give in to children's tantrums and anger, trying by any means to minimize their manifestations, or in the case of pedagogical neglect, when there is simply no strength to educate and it is easier to leave the child completely unpunished. to be allowed to do whatever you want than to try to change the behavior of the baby.

To figure out how to punish a child in a way that makes sense, you need to understand what punishment is, what is its purpose? What do we as parents want to achieve by punishing our children?

Etymologically, the word "punishment" comes from the verb "to show" - that is, to instruct, show. Then it is logical that "punishment" is something that we use to direct the child on the right path, to outline for him the boundaries of what is permitted. As a rule, when punishing, we want the best for our children - so that they understand what is good and what is bad, grow up as "real", "worthy" people, do not make irreparable mistakes in their lives, become better than us.

Then the next question is: what should be the punishment for the child to really realize that he did wrong, learn from what happened and learn from the experience? Will we achieve these lofty goals by raising a child with the help of carrots and sticks? Of course not. The only thing we can teach with such methods is to be afraid of punishments and parents, to try to earn encouragement, rewards - and all this without really thinking about what happened.

In order for punishment to be useful, and not just a way to relieve an upset, tired, helpless parent, the following rules must be observed:

1. The main rule stems from a basic need that every child has - the need for affection. A parent for a child is, first of all, a source of protection, children need the care of a strong and responsible adult who is a priori higher and dominates, but not in order to subjugate and oppress, but in order to help and protect. When a secure attachment is formed, a very close bond is established between the child and the parent, which greatly simplifies the interaction and makes the baby obedient. When punishing a child, it is important to maintain a respectful attitude towards him.

2. In order for the lesson to be learned, the child, first of all, must understand, realize where he is wrong, feel the consequences of his misconduct. And these consequences are not the belt or the cry of an angry parent, not the deprivation of sweets or the prohibition to leave the house. It is something that follows directly from what has been done. For example, if you were late home and didn’t call, it means that you don’t know how to plan your time and it’s too early for you to go out in the evenings with friends. You scream and cry on the playground or in the store - I'm very sorry, but it spoils my mood so much that now I don't want to continue the walk anymore and we will have to return home. If you didn’t do your homework on time, then you have to do it before going to bed instead of a cartoon or evening reading. If you offended someone and did not apologize, then they will no longer want to play with you. The essence of this method is that for every action the child receives a response from life itself. This helps him gain an orientation in how the world works. It is this tactic that teaches children to anticipate the consequences of their actions in the future, to feel regret for what turned out badly.

3. Under no circumstances should a child have doubts that his parents love him for who he is. He must understand that he will be accepted regardless of his actions. That is why when punishing, it is important to focus on the offense, and not on the personality characteristics of the child. If, for example, a kid, while playing with food, spills soup, you should not tell him that he is a "blunder" - just explain why his act is bad and offer him a cleaning rag to consolidate the experience gained.

4. When punishing a child, focus on staying in an adult position. If at the moment of a conversation with a child the parent feels irritation or despair, this means that he has been knocked out of the position of an adult. This often happens when children's tears, whims and tantrums awaken the inner child in us - then we become helpless. In this case, you should ask yourself the question "How old am I now?", step aside, cool down a bit and only after that return to the conversation. For example, in a situation where a child refuses to turn off the TV, but a large number of cartoons is definitely not good for him, a mother from an adult position can say this: “I'm sorry, but I can't let you watch the second cartoon, because if you watch two in a row, then you have a tantrum, and everyone’s mood deteriorates. ”

5. Be consistent, consistent and predictable in your demands and reactions. This means that within the family there must be some unified concept of what is possible, what is not, what is good and what is bad. The child must be initiated into the nuances of this concept and firmly know what he can be punished for. At the same time, the way the parents react should not depend on the mood, the weather outside the window and the time of year. For example, if a mother in a good mood asks a child to turn off the TV, and he starts to act up and does not turn it off, she, smiling, allows him to continue. But in the same situation, if the mother is in a bad mood, she starts to quarrel, scream and most likely punish the baby. In this state of affairs, the child is simply not able to learn what he can and cannot do.

6. It is very important to use so-called “temporary” language, rather than permanent language, when talking to a child about bad behavior. For example, “You just broke a toy, now you have to play without it for a while” instead of saying “You always break everything! I will never buy you toys again. ” Using words such as “never, never, to anyone,” you risk not fulfilling this promise and losing trust.

7. Punishment must be age-appropriate. It is useless to try to explain something and give lectures to a two-year-old kid, because he is simply not able to learn what you are telling him about and cannot concentrate voluntary attention for more than five minutes. In the same way, it does not make sense as a punishment to forbid a teenager to eat sweets.

8. Punishment must be just and proportionate to the seriousness of the act.

9. In no case should you frighten and intimidate a child - this is a sure way to teach him to lie and get out.

10. Always, under any circumstances, remember the greatest value that we have - the emotional connection with the child. After all, if you think about it, it becomes obvious that not a single spoiled sofa or a bad mark at school, an extra 30 minutes at the computer or a lost phone is worth breaking this connection, darkening the image of the inner parent that each of us hears somewhere in soul when it needs protection, support, love and acceptance.

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