How do i unschool my child
How to Unschool - The Natural Child Project
by Pam Sorooshian
1. Give your love generously and criticism sparingly.
Be your children's partner. Support them and respect them. Never belittle them or their interests, no matter how superficial, unimportant, or even misguided their interests may seem to you. Be a guide, not a dictator. Shine a light ahead for them, and lend them a hand, but don't drag or push them. You will sometimes despair when your vision of what your child ought to be bangs up against the reality that they are their own person. But that same reality can also give you great joy if you learn not to cling to your own preconceived notions and expectations.
2. Provide a rich environment.
Unschooled children who grow up in a stimulating and enriched environment surrounded by family and
friends who are generally interested and interesting, will learn all kinds of things and repeatedly
surprise you with what they know. If they are supported in following their own passions, they will build
strengths upon strengths and excel in their own ways whether that is academic, artistic, athletic, interpersonal,
or whichever direction that particular child develops. One thing leads to another. A passion for playing
in the dirt at six can become a passion for protecting the natural environment at 16 and a career as
a forest ranger as an adult. You just never know where those childhood interests will eventually lead.
Be careful not to squash them; instead, nurture them.
3. Bring the world to your children and your children to the world.
Revel in what brings you together as a family. Watch TV and movies and listen to music and the radio.
Laugh together, cry together, be shocked together. Analyze and critique and think together about what
you experience. Notice what your child loves and offer more of it, not less. What is it about
particular shows that engage your child - build on that.
Don't operate out of fear. Think for yourself
and about your own real child. Don't be swayed by pseudo studies done on school children.
4. Surround your child with text of all kinds and he/she will learn to read.
Read to them, read in front of them, help them, don't push them. Children allowed to learn on their own timetable do learn to read at widely divergent times - there is no right time for all children. Some learn to read at three years old and others at 12 or even older. It doesn't matter. Children who are not yet reading are still learning - support their learning in their own way. Pushing children to try to learn to read before they are developmentally ready is probably a major cause of long-term antipathy toward reading, at best, and reading disabilities, at worst.
5. It doesn't matter when something is learned.
It is perfectly all right for a person to learn all about dinosaurs when they are 40; they don't
have to learn it when they are 9.
It is perfectly all right to learn to do long division at 16 - they
do not have to learn that at 9, either. It does not get more difficult to learn most things later; it
gets easier.
6. Don't worry about how fast or slow they are learning.
Don't test them to see if they are "up to speed." If you nurture them in a supportive environment, your children will grow and learn at their own speed, and you can trust in that process. They are like seeds planted in good earth, watered and fertilized. You don't keep digging up the seeds to see if the roots are growing - that disrupts the natural growing process. Trust your children in the same way you trust seeds to sprout and seedlings to develop into strong and healthy plants.
7. Think about what is really important and keep that always in the forefront of your interactions with your children.
What values do you hope to pass on to them? You can't pass on something you don't exemplify yourself.
Treat them the way you want them to treat others. Do you want respect? Be respectful. Do you want responsibility
from them? Be responsible. Think of how you look to them, from their perspective. Do you order them
around? Is that respectful? Do you say, "I'll be just a minute" and then take 20 more minutes
talking to a friend while the children wait? Is that responsible? Focus more on your own behavior than
on theirs. It'll pay off bigger.
8. Let kids learn.
Don't protect them or control them so much that they don't get needed experience. But, don't use
the excuse of "natural consequences" to teach them a lesson. Instead, exemplify kindness and
consideration. If you see a toy left lying in the driveway, don't leave it there to be run over, pick
it up and set it aside because that is the kind and considerate thing to do and because kindness and
consideration are values you want to pass on to your kids.
Natural consequences will happen; they are
inevitable. But it isn't "natural" anymore if you could have prevented it, but chose not to
do so.
9. We can't always fix everything for our kids or save them from every hurt.
It can be a delicate balancing act - when should we intervene, when should we stay out of the way? Empathy goes a long, long way and may often be all your child needs or wants. Be available to offer more, but let your child be your guide. Maybe your child wants guidance, ideas, support, or intervention. Maybe not. Sometimes the best thing you can offer is distraction.
10. Be sensitive to your child's interest level.
Don't push activities that your child isn't interested in pursuing. Don't let your interests
dictate your child's opportunities. If your child wants a pet, be realistic and don't demand promises
that the child will take sole care for it.
Plan to care for it yourself when the interest wanes. Do
it cheerfully. Model the joy of caring for animals. Model kindness and helpfulness. Help a child by
organizing their toys so they are easy to care for. Plan to care for them yourself much of the time,
but invite your child's help in ways that are appealing. If you act like you hate organizing
and cleaning, why would your child want to do it? Always openly enjoy the results of caring for your
possessions - take note of the extra space to play in, the ease of finding things you want, how nice
it is to reach into a cupboard and find clean dishes. Enjoy housework together and don't make it a battle.
11. Don't pass on your own fears and hates about learning anything.
If you hate or fear math, keep it to yourself. Act like it is the most fun thing in the world. Cuddle
up and do math in the same way you cuddle up and read together. Play games, make it fun.
If you can't
keep your own negativity at bay, at least try to do no harm by staying out of it.
12. Don't try to "make kids think."
They will think; you don't have to make them. Don't use every opportunity to force them to learn something. They will learn something at every opportunity, you don't have to force it. Don't answer a question by telling them to "look it up" or by asking them another question. If you know the answer, give it. If you don't, then help them find it. Speculating about an answer often leads to a good conversation. If your child stops seeing you as helpful when they have questions, they'll stop coming to you with their questions. Is that what you really want?
13. When you offer a child choices, be sure they are real choices.
Offer them choices as often as you can. Try to limit the "have to's" as much as you can.
Frequently ask yourself, "Is this really a "have to" situation or can we find some choices
here?"
Pam Sorooshian and her husband, Cyrus, have three successful grown-up unschooled daughters, Roya,
Roxana and Rose.
Pam is on the Board of Directors of the Home School Association of California and occasionally speaks at conferences
about unschooling. Her blog contains fun math-related
games and ideas as well as comments about unschooling. Pam teaches economics and runs the theater box
office at Cypress Community College in Southern California.
© Pam Sorooshian. Posted with permission of the author.
This article originally appeared as a posting on the Home School Association of California Yahoo group.
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How To Start Unschooling TODAY
Learn how to start unschooling for homeschool, a homeschool approach that allows freedom in in education and promotes child-led learning based on children’s interests with this nontraditional learning path.
How To Start Unschooling
If you’re just exploring the topic of unschooling or planning on a transition to unschooling from homeschooling, it can be intimidating because it seems like somewhat of an abstract concept.
I mean, what is unschooling homeschooling?
And, is there such a thing as an unschooling curriculum?
What are the disadvantages of unschooling?
And, more importantly, is unschooled legal?
Let’s start at the beginning…
What is the unschooling method?
Unschooling is style that falls under the umbrella of homeschooling. With unschool, a child is allowed to lead in their learning without necessarily following a specific homeschool curriculum. Children are allowed to follow their own interests and curiosities during unschool homeschooling.
For example, maybe your child is obsessed with rainbows. In unschooling, they would follow their interest and learn more about rainbows — checking out books from the library, watching documentaries on rainbows, doing some STEM experiments on reflection and refraction to make their own rainbows, bake a rainbow layered cake, create rainbow art and so much more.
A parents job in unschooling is to assist your child in what they need (resources, classes, etc.) to follow their interests.
There’s no one how to do unschooling way because every child is different!
LEARN MORE ABOUT THE UNSCHOOL MOVEMENT
New to homeschool? Start here: How To Home School Starting Now
How do I start unschooling?
- Check your state homeschool laws (or country’s homeschooling laws).
- Research and read unschooling books.
- Understand the differences in unschooling vs homeschooling.
- Deschool and let go of what you know about traditional school methods.
- Talk to your child about their interests.
- Provide books, games, and supplies that engage your child.
- Allow your child to lead in what they want to learn.
- Support your child in a mentor or facilitator role instead of a teacher role.
- HAVE FUN and remember that children learn naturally!
How can I legally unschool?
Homeschooling is legal in every state in America.
Since unschooling is seen as a form of homeschooling, you can legally unschool in any state. However, homeschool requirements and laws vary by state. So, be sure to check your state laws.
How do I register for unschooling?
Unschool registration will depend on your state laws for homeschooling. In some areas, homeschoolers are required to register with the state, so follow the state’s guideline’s for homeschool registration and requirements. (You don’t need to call it “unschooling.”) Then, you can fit your state’s requirements into an unschooling schedule.
Here’s what contributor Anita Byler said about transitioning to unschooling:
WHY UNSCHOOL
Transitioning From Homeschooling to Unschooling: One Mom’s Personal Experience
When we started homeschooling, from a place of shame and insecurity I chose a homeschool curriculum popular among my public school friends.
I compared myself to others and was determined to keep my children moving at the same pace as their friends in public school.
But with a stubborn, independent first grader and a fourth grader with some dyslexic characteristics, I soon fell flat on my face.
Homeschooling is hard and failure was hard to admit.
And, it was even harder to relax enough to pick myself back up!
I knew what we were doing wasn’t working for any of us, but I was so scared to admit what that meant.
What it meant was that I had failed with scheduled homeschooling, and my family and friends would find out.
It also meant that I would have to figure out what next for us.
And, I’d have to learn to look at my children and education in a whole new light.
Letting Children Lead
I soon learned that children are wonderful teachers… if we take time to listen to them.
I started listening to my first grader and noticed she was so hungry and eager with questions and very determined to move at her own pace.
It was then that I swallowed my pride and refused to make her read.
When we did pick reading back up, we started in an area where she was very comfortable and chose books that were fun and easy.
Just the other day she told me “reading is kind of fun.”
My fourth grader, wounded and stunted from past school experiences, found no joy in books and seemed to have lost a lot of childish curiosity and creativity.
That’s when we changed homeschool up and really started to understand how to unschool.
We started taking things very slow.
We focused on learning the things she was interested in learning.
We turned new concepts into conversations and hands-on experiences and returned to some of the very basics of phonemic awareness.
I learned I was happy to “miss” a whole year of school with her, if her independence and love for learning would return.
And it did!
This year I’ve loved watching her independently pursue learning, scheduling her own work, and losing herself in a book.
YES, unschooling really works.
We became an unschooling family.
Also check out this related topic:
SURPRISING Benefits of Boredom in Learning
Flexibility of Unschooling
And, let’s not forget about the flexibility of being unschoolers.
Recently, we had a sick day.
Days like that are when the flexibility of unschooling is a benefit.
On that day, we finger painted.
We figured out how to make foaming soap with a recipe I found online.
We measured and calculated.
Later my little one (who hates spelling) made a detailed, written treasure hunt for her sister — all on her own!
Last Spring, at the ending of our school year, I wrote this poem.
It stands most for what I learned that year:
We’ve cleared off the table, put the books all away. We’re off to the real school of childhood play.
Under the table surrounded by chairs we’ll argue of whether we’re wolves or we’re bears.
Down by the creek on warm sunny days we’ll dive in the ocean to swim with the rays.
We’ll bandage a dolphin attacked by a shark. We’ll map out the country like Lewis and Clark.
Out under the trees my sister and me, lying in silence, will wait for the si. (Irish fairies)
Deep in the covers on dark stormy nights, my old viking ship will be in a plight.
Out in the puddles after the rain I’ll pole my gondola on a Venice lane.
While counting the birds and watching the sky I’ll dream of the day when I learn to fly.
We’ve loved all our books, and yes, we’ve had fun.
But now that it’s summer my learning’s begun.
Hand your children the knowledge and let them run with it!
Don’t constrain children to grade level, book lessons, or expectations.
How do Unschoolers Turn Out?
You may have come here looking for unschooling horror stories or unschooling failures or information to arm you with why unschooling doesn’t work.
If that’s the case, you’re probably disappointed because that hasn’t been our experience with unschooling.
There are so many opinions out there about unschooling homeschooling.
And, honestly, I haven’t even begun to wrap my head around everything unschooling means.
I just know what happens in our home when I relax enough to let my children learn the way they learn best… and for us, that was unschooling!
Contributor Anita Byler writes at Little Moments Great Joy, covering the life of a mom navigating the enormous world of homeschooling. You can also follow her on Instagram.
Unschooling Books
LET US KNOW YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS ABOUT HOW TO START UNSCHOOLING!
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STARTING HOME SCHOOL? CHECK OUT OUR HOW TO HOMESCHOOL GUIDE
What to do if other parents scold your child?
Playground is a whole world with its own rules and regulations.
Here you can become best friends for a 1.5 hour walk, you can find a new toy to replace your old one, or you can quarrel to tears. In recent stories, however, parents usually intervene. Child psychologist and art therapist Elena Buryeva tells how to react if other adults start scolding your child.
Question. Hello. What should I do when other mothers start scolding my child on the playground?
Answer. For various reasons, sometimes some adults can afford to make incorrect remarks to other people's children related to their behavior.
There can be many reasons. For example:
- If one mother has a very active child, then, most likely, they also make remarks to him, and she becomes a witness of this. And in a situation where some other child begins to behave “wrongly”, she also wants to take the position of an “expert” and make a remark to another child.
- Also, another adult may start chastising your child if his or his child's boundaries have been violated (taking toys, getting very close, breaking bunnies, yelling nearby, pushing, biting, etc.
). - Sometimes, scolding someone else's child, adults believe that they are teaching something at the moment (rules of conduct, safety).
But be that as it may, when an outside adult scolds a child, the parent has an instinctive desire not to join in the remarks, but to protect them from them. And it is right. To protect in such a situation is much better than to arrange a demonstrative spanking in front of strangers.
By allowing ourselves to scold and scold the child loudly in public places, we shame him, make him feel guilty, the child eventually becomes embarrassed, and by our behavior, as it were, we allow everyone present to behave the same way with our child. Therefore, it is very important to remember that you do not have to be a good mother for other children and in the eyes of other mothers, you need to be a good mother for your child.
Definitely not to do if your child is being reprimanded:
- no need to be ashamed of your child's behavior;
- you don’t need to feel guilty about the fact that you somehow raised him in the wrong way;
- there is no need to get into fights and aggressively protect your child, bringing the situation to a conflict.
I think everyone has heard some story about how parents, after a children's conflict on the playground, begin to figure it out themselves "in an adult way." Do you think this is a good example for children? This is both stress for the child and a negative pattern of action (“If mom calls my aunt names, then I can do that too”).
What to do in such situations? I offer several options:
- Joking off: "He's in such a mood today."
- Apologize: "Sorry, he didn't mean it."
- Thank you. For example, if another adult calmly explained to you a good reason why he raised his voice at your child (your child threw stones at his baby, and the parents got scared).
- Take responsibility: "If you are unhappy with my child's behavior, tell me!", "I am the mother of a boy in a green jacket, tell me everything you want to tell him."
The most important thing is to explain to your child: children talk to children, and adults talk to adults.
Say that you only need to obey mom and dad (grandmother, uncle, aunt, nanny). And if a stranger will scold the child, teach him the following phrase: "Now I will call my mother, and you will talk to her."
While the child is small, his interests should be defended by his parents, but as soon as the child enters the society of peers, he must know how to react to the actions of offenders. To do this, give the child possible action patterns - for example, tell a fairy tale with a similar plot and the behavior of the characters.
Is it even possible to make remarks to other people's children?
Acceptable. But it is important to remember that we have the right to protect the boundaries of our child, but we do not have the right to violate the boundaries of someone else's. Therefore, comments should be made very politely and correctly. For example:
- If someone else's child is playing with sand too actively, you can say in a completely calm and friendly voice that this is not necessary, because sand can get into your eyes if the wind blows.
Remember that the child does not always do something out of spite, sometimes he simply does not know why this should not be done. - If your child is being beaten by another child, then you can tell the offender: “I don’t allow you to beat my daughter,” or you can turn to the offender’s mother (depending on age).
- If a toy was taken away from your child, then you can say to someone else's child: "Sasha does not give this toy to anyone", or "Ask Sasha if you can take this toy", or "Now Sasha will play and, perhaps, give it to you." You can also turn to the mother of someone else's child: "Please, help me return my daughter's toy, it was taken without asking."
Of course, seriously scolding, chastising, ordering, pointing out, teaching someone else's child is unacceptable.
Respect other parents and their parenting style and methods. There is no need to humiliate, insult or label - both your children and strangers. If something categorically does not suit you in the behavior of someone else's child, then approach his parents with a request for help.
Remember that you need to be correct, speak in a calm tone, without reproaches.
And if they want to reprimand your child, then it is important to be on his side. You can take responsibility and show your child an example of conflict resolution.
Ask your question to Mel, and the editors will find someone who can answer it. Write to our social networks - we read all messages on the pages on Facebook, VKontakte and Odnoklassniki. You can also write to us on Instagram. By the way, we do not disclose names, so questions can be anything (feel free!).
Illustration: GoodStudio / Shutterstock
10 tips for teaching your child not to violate your personal space
A child can interfere with you, you can get tired of him, and he will definitely violate your boundaries. Psychologist Anna Smirnova tells how to protect your personal space from children and why it is really important.
When our personal space is violated, we begin to protest, get annoyed, and sometimes angry.
And if we also do not cope well with our anger, then violation of our boundaries can generally lead to loss of energy, loss of strength and even illness. With the advent of a child, we are completely forced to share our personal space with him. First, his own, and then allocate a separate one for him. And this is actually very important so that in a few years (and maybe even earlier) you don’t recognize yourself in these comments:
- "I can't go to the toilet in peace, the kids are constantly asking me to be next to them!"
- “Since the son was born, there has been no personal life. My son sleeps with me in bed, and my husband went to sleep in another room.”
- "My adult children only make me nervous: they come to the dacha without my knowledge, throw away my things."
If in our childhood parents (or society in general) did not understand the value of personal boundaries, then most likely we ourselves do not understand well how to take care of them.
And even more so, we cannot build a relationship with a child in such a way that he gradually organizes his personal space and at the same time treats ours with care.
The journey of a child begins in the womb. And this is one of the first and strong violations of personal boundaries. At first, the child occupies space inside the mother's body, causing a lot of trouble and inconvenience. Then he comes to the house and demands even more attention and our time. Demands to be shared space, food, security. This is the path that each of us has traveled. It has a lot of meaning. Parents give life and conditions for existence, pass on the accumulated experience so that the children, in turn, pass it on. But for some reason, this natural process still brings a lot of pain and misunderstanding.
Conflicts over violation of personal space will always arise until parents realize what it is, how valuable it is, and how exactly they can protect it. Here are a few signs that your personal space was not well taken care of as a child:
- anyone could take your things, and trying to protect one's own was called greed;
- your body was not safe, and some of the adults considered themselves entitled to treat you as a thing;
- your inner world was more often devalued or ridiculed;
- your attempts to defend yourself in adolescence were sharply suppressed.
Most likely, in adulthood, you will also often encounter boundary violations. Moreover, you will do a lot to ensure that this personal space practically ceases to exist. And the behavior of a child who is looking for himself and trying to understand what he is and what is not, will only strain, unnerve and annoy.
But you can learn to protect your inner world, and teach a child to be attentive to others and their own personal space. Here are some tips on how.
1. Accept that being a parent means sharing your personal space with your child. And it's wonderful that we have the power to arrange the life of a new person, share our values with him and once again touch childhood.
2. Learn to appreciate your own space. Notice what is valuable to you. What are you now ready to share with your child, and what are you not. For example, if you choose to co-sleep with a child, remember that intimate relationships with a spouse are a value for which it is the adults, not the child, who are responsible.
3. Let others know that your space is not to be disturbed. Protect what is important to you. For example, my cosmetics are in a place inaccessible to a child. And it is important for me to work sometimes, so I ask for help and clearly say that I should not be distracted.
4. Take good care of your child's space. Help navigate it and make it age appropriate. Remember that a toy that seems old to you may be your son's or daughter's favorite. And this choice must be respected.
5. Appreciate the space of other family members. Show the child by your own example that you do not violate the space of the household. If dad does not allow touching his tablet, then you will not let the child take it when dad does not see.
6. Appreciate your body, be attentive to it. If a child tries to hit you, stop him. You can only hit inanimate objects. If the child spends a lot of time in your arms, take every opportunity to sit or lie down, be attentive to how strength is restored.
7. Tell your child that no one has the right to intentionally hurt him or treat his body without proper respect. Corporal punishment is unacceptable precisely because the child at this moment completely loses the feeling of security, acutely experiences helplessness and forms an attitude towards himself as a being, the value of which is very conditional.
8. Study your inner world. No matter how scary it is to look inside yourself, believe me, the most interesting person in your life is yourself. When you know exactly how you are arranged, what is valuable and important for you, it becomes much easier for you to convey this to your loved ones. And also to be guided by what values you will uphold. For example, while I'm writing this article, I'm championing my value to be a professional, and I spent a lot of time the day before with my one-year-old daughter championing my value as a mother.
9. Respect the child's opinion, feelings and interests.
