How to help a quiet child

How to Help Shy Kids Speak Up for Themselves| Advocacy Skills for Shy Kids

Being able to speak up for yourself is a skill, and it takes time and practice for many kids to develop it. They need to have confidence and the right words to say. But shy kids may find it extra hard to ask for help, especially if they’re having a hard time with something.

Here are some ways to help your shy child ease into being a self-advocate.

1. Understand your child’s shyness.

Not all shy kids are shy in the same way. Knowing what’s behind your child’s shyness makes it easier to know how to help. Some kids are anxious about speaking up when they don’t know what the response will be. Some don’t like to talk in front of other people.

Others just need time to get comfortable with new people and new situations. And still others are just content being quiet observers.

2. Avoid labeling your child as “shy.”

The more kids hear themselves described as “shy,” the more likely they are to live up to that expectation. So, if your child doesn’t answer a relative’s question or ask the coach for help, try not to use “shy” to describe how your child is feeling. Instead, try saying that your child is just “not feeling very talkative right now.”

3. Encourage your child to speak up.

Self-advocacy can take place anywhere kids can express their needs. Encourage your child to order when you’re eating out or answer a store clerk’s questions. Or have your child write down questions for a youth group leader.

Kids may need their parents’ help. But if you don’t immediately step in, you give your child a chance to think about what to say and how to say it. It also shows that you know your child is capable.

4. Share the benefits you’ve seen from self-advocacy.

Before kids are willing to speak up for themselves, they may need a reminder. You may need to offer some evidence that self-advocacy can really make a difference.

Share personal stories of times you spoke up for yourself even when you were feeling shy or anxious. For example, “I felt shy about telling my boss I needed some extra time to learn the new software. But he was fine with it. In fact, he liked the fact that I took it seriously. And now he checks in with me after we’re trained to use new programs to see if I want extra time to practice.”

5. Encourage your child to offer input.

Shy kids may feel like what they have to add to a conversation isn’t important. Invite your child to share opinions and help in making decisions. For example, your child could help decide what the family’s having for dinner or what color to paint the kitchen.

Kids want to know that their parents are listening, and that adults value their thoughts. You can show your child this by saying so and following through. It shows your child that speaking up makes a real difference.

6. Practice and role-play.

Some shy kids know what they should ask for, but they have trouble saying it when the time comes. Rehearse sample situations with your child. You can even help create some scripted things to say when your child needs to speak up. For example: “Can I talk to you after class, Mrs. Jackson?” or “I need some extra time to get this assignment done.”

7. Work with your child’s teachers behind the scenes.

Talk to your child’s teachers about what you’ll be doing to help your child self-advocate. That way you can all be on the same page and your child’s efforts, however small, can be recognized. Your child’s teacher or guidance counselor may even be able to do some lessons with the whole class around shyness and speaking up.

8. Start small at school.

Shy kids often need to feel comfortable with people before they can self-advocate. Is there a teacher or adult at school with whom your child is most comfortable? Start by identifying this trusted ally. Then speak with teachers about having that person be the point person your child can go to with questions or for help. Having that level of comfort can help your child begin to self-advocate.

9. Establish at-school self-advocacy goals with your child.

Self-advocacy is an important skill that can help your child succeed in the classroom. Like any skill that’s hard for shy kids, it takes practice. Talk with your child about this and then loop your trusted ally in as well. This will help ensure that your child will have the necessary support when it’s time to speak up.

10. Celebrate small successes.

Recognize and celebrate achievements, even if they seem small. Taking steps like raising their hand in class or answering questions can be a lot for shy kids. Ongoing encouragement will help your child continue to take risks and speak out.

10 Tips for Parenting a Quiet Child

In my 2012 TED Talk, I told the story of going off to summer camp for the first time at age nine. My mother had packed my bag full of books. Reading was our primary group activity—and I liked it that way. It gave us the animal warmth of sitting cozily with the family, and the freedom to roam around the adventure-land inside our own minds.

So it seemed natural to me that my new friends at camp would feel the same way. I pictured us stretched out cozily on our cots, reading books in our matching nightgowns.

Instead, on the very first day, we were met by a counselor who told us that camp spirit was very important and that we should all learn a cheer: “R-O-W-D-I-E, that’s the way we spell rowdy. Rowdie, rowdie, let’s get rowdie!”

I couldn’t understand why we were supposed to be so rowdy—and why we had to spell this word incorrectly. But I performed that cheer for the rest of the summer, as loudly as I could, and did my best approximation of a rowdy, gregarious camper. For the rest of my childhood, too, and well into my adult years, I tried to act like more of an extrovert than I really was. I even became a Wall Street lawyer for a while, instead of the author I had always longed to be—partly to prove to myself, and to the world, that I could thrive in an alpha environment.

But I came to believe that it was a big mistake to turn myself inside out instead of drawing on my own natural strengths. And I saw that we are making this mistake as a society—in our homes, in our schools, and in our workplaces. Our institutions are increasingly designed for extroverts.

I’ve since dedicated myself to empowering introverts for the benefit of us all. At our mission-based company Quiet Revolution, we’re especially passionate about making sure that the next generation of introverted kids knows its own strength, and about giving parents and teachers the tools—such as online courses and website articles—they need to help their quiet children thrive.

Parenting a Quiet Child

Do you have a quiet kid in class?

If the answer is yes (or if you are shy or introverted yourself), you’re probably well aware of our society’s deep bias against quiet.

But there is nothing wrong with your child. In fact, one out of every two or three people is introverted, including many business leaders (from Larry Page to Marissa Mayer), transformative leaders (from Mahatma Gandhi to Eleanor Roosevelt) and creative stars (from Steve Wozniak to Philippe Starck).

I believe that society is on the brink of change, and that we are poised for what I call a Quiet Revolution—in which the power of introverts will be unlocked for the benefit of us all.
In the meantime, however, here are ten tips for parenting your introverted child:

1. Understand the difference between introversion and shyness

Introversion is about the preference for quiet, calm environments; shyness is about the fear of social judgment. Sometimes they overlap, and the same person is both shy and introverted. But you can be a shy extrovert (Barbra Streisand is a larger-than-life personality who suffered for decades from stage fright) or an introvert who is not shy at all (Bill Gates is quiet and self-contained but not particularly shy.) Many of us feel shy at one time or another. But our cultural bias is really against both shyness and introversion. This is why our work focuses on both types of children.

2. Don’t just accept your child for who she is; treasure her for who she is

Shy or introverted children are often kind, thoughtful, focused, and very interesting company, as long as they’re in settings that work for them.

Introverted kids usually have the capacity to develop great passions

Cultivate these enthusiasms. Intense engagement in an activity is a proven route to happiness and well-being, and a well-developed talent is a great source of confidence. Traditional childhood activities like soccer and piano may work well for some kids, but don’t forget to look off the beaten path. You may find a chess club or a creative writing program that offers a fantastic community for cerebral kids.

4. If you’re an introvert who feels ashamed of your own personality traits, this is a good time to seek therapy or another form of counseling

Do it for your child if not for yourself. He will pick up on your own poor self-image, and also its inevitable projections onto him. If you can’t afford the time or money for therapy, here’s a simple way to change how you feel about yourself: consider that the things you dislike in yourself are usually a package deal with the things you like best. For example, Elaine Aron, author of The Highly Sensitive Person and an introvert, says that her husband has always seen her as creative, intuitive, and a deep thinker. Aron had been aware of these traits, but used to see them merely as “acceptable surface manifestations of a terrible, hidden flaw I had been aware of all my life.” It took her years to understand that the sensitive introvert and the deep thinker were one and the same person.

5. If you’re an introvert, try not to project your own history onto your child

Your introversion may have caused you pain when you were younger. Don’t assume that this will be the case for your child, or that she won’t be able to handle the occasional sling or arrow. She can handle it, and she can thrive.

The best thing you can do for her is take joy in her wonderful qualities, have confidence that those qualities will carry her far, and teach her the skills she needs to handle the challenging aspects of her nature.

6. If your child is reluctant to try new things or meet new people, the key is gradual exposure

Don’t let him opt out, but do respect his limits, even when they seem extreme. Inch together toward the thing he’s wary of. If it’s the ocean waves, for, example, approach at his own pace. Let him know that his feelings are normal and natural, but also that there’s nothing to be afraid of. When he takes social risks, let him know that you admire his efforts: “I saw you go up to those new kids yesterday. I know that can be difficult, and I’m proud of you.” Point out to him when he ends up enjoying things he thought he wouldn’t like or that he was initially scared of. Eventually, he will learn to self-regulate his feelings of wariness.

7. If your child is shy, make sure you communicate to her that shyness is natural and normal and improves with time.

Did you know that 50% of the population feels shy sometimes? Make sure your child knows this too! You don’t want your child to experience her nervousness as a fixed trait, rather than as an emotion she can learn to control. When others call her “shy” in front of her (which they will), reframe it lightly. “Sophie is great at sussing out new situations.” Tell your child lightly about the times you felt shy and what you did to overcome it.

8. Get to social events, like birthday parties, early.

Let your child feel as if others are joining him in a space that he “owns,” rather than having to break into a pre-existing group. Similarly, if he’s nervous before school starts, bring him to see his classroom, meet his teacher, figure out where the bathroom is, and so on.

9. Teach her to stand up for herself.

It’s best to start young if you can. If she looks distressed when another child takes her toy, take her aside afterward and teach her to say “stop” in her loudest voice. Practice saying—shouting—“STOP.” Make it a game. Be light about it, while letting her know that you understand her feelings. You can even try calling it speaking in her “parent voice”—firm and authoritative.

10. If you have an “orchid child,” you are very lucky:

If your child is “highly sensitive”—the term for kids who are sensitive to lights, sounds, emotional experiences, and/or new situations—then he probably fits into a category of children known as “orchid” children. This term derives from a groundbreaking new theory capturing the attention of research psychologists. It holds that many children are like dandelions, able to thrive in just about any environment. But others, including highly sensitive kids, are more like orchids. They wilt easily, but if they have good childhoods they can actually do better than dandelion children. Multiple studies have found that they’re often healthier, have better grades, enjoy stronger relationships, and so on. As one leading orchid theory researcher, Jay Belsky of the University of London, explained to me, the parents of orchid kids are very lucky because “the time and effort they invest will actually make a difference. Instead of seeing these kids as vulnerable to adversity, parents should see them as malleable—for worse, but also for better.”

Susan Cain is a writer and lecturer, and the author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. She is a co-founder of Quiet Revolution, a company that offers services, online courses, and a global online community website to empower introverts (and their parents) in every aspect of their lives. www.quietrev.com.

This article is adapted from a post that previously appeared on www.quietrev.com. This version of the article first appeared in the 2016 Edition of Parents League Review. ©2017 Parents League of New York. Get the current issue of the Review free with a family membership. Or purchase it separately.

Shy child: what to do and how to help him

Young children experience shyness even in a safe, according to parents, environment. A shy person - and even more so a child - is too sensitive to rejection by other people. He prefers to remain in the shadows, not to show himself. The American social psychologist Philip Zimbardo compares this personality trait with voluntary deprivation of liberty. He dedicated the book "The Shy Child", which he co-authored with Shirley Radle, to the phenomenon of shyness.

Causes of shyness

There is a hypothesis that shyness is a trait that is inherited. But it is quite difficult to accurately identify the factors that influence the formation of a shy personality. It can only be stated with certainty that if parents do not teach their children to easily communicate and get to know different people by their example, the children will grow up shy.

Other triggers for shyness:

1. The development of skills and abilities that a child often cannot master at a young age (for example, reading at the age of two) cause dissatisfaction of parents, and the child withdraws into himself and perceives the love of loved ones as a merit for good behavior.

2. Inability to behave in different situations at a too early age, when adults simply did not teach and explain how and where it is customary to start a conversation, causes a strong fear of any contact in a child prone to shyness.

3. Control and excessive discipline when the child is simply not given the right to vote.

4. And too different upbringing of girls and boys, when the child does not understand how to communicate with people of the opposite sex.

Shyness at preschool age

The environment in which the shy child is located has a bad effect on his emotional state. The task of parents is to teach him to adjust the world to his own needs instead of passively accepting the negative influence from contacts. Once on his TV show, American journalist Phil Donahue conducted an experiment. Two shy strangers were seated on adjacent chairs facing the auditorium. They were uncomfortable, it was impossible to establish contact, their eyes wandered fearfully around the hall. Everything changed when the strangers' chairs were turned away from the crowd and placed opposite each other. It became noticeably easier for these two to be in the TV studio, and they were able to start getting to know each other.

Parents can help even the most timid child. Try to have him communicate with strangers

If guests or a repairman are to come, prepare your child in advance: tell about the purpose of the visit, what the person will do at your house. And with the guests who have come, you should not discuss shy behavior, exposing timidity as a disadvantage.

Create situations where the child will have the opportunity to communicate with peers. For example, in a kindergarten, on a playground or in a dance studio. Do not interfere with the way the child meets other children. Try not to dress your shy child in clothes that may be very different from those accepted in the peer group. Support his need to be alone sometimes, but do not specifically isolate him from society. The beginning of friendship in a familiar home environment is much easier for such children.

Zimbardo insists on active physical development. Confidence in one's own body, developed physical endurance and dexterity help the child feel comfortable and make friends with peers easier. Zimbardo argues that “a child who has an idea of his own physical capabilities, can reasonably judge what he is capable of and what he is not, he will never go crazy. <…> Willingness to take risks characterizes leaders and people who are successful in business.”

Caregivers exacerbate shyness by perceiving the “goodness” of girls and boys as a positive quality. Active children who are not afraid to show themselves, on the contrary, deserve the censure of adults. But it is also worth understanding that the negative attitude of a significant adult to a calm character makes a reasonable child downtrodden and timid.

How to develop sociability

From an early age, tell your child stories in which reality is intertwined with fantasy. Their main character should be your child. Let the story begin in some familiar place, but embellish reality. Behind the high mountains that no eagle can fly over, beyond the wide seas in which white sharks and sirens swim, lies the city ... Let other family members become participants in the fairy tale, just change their names slightly. A big trouble should happen in the story, which your strong, courageous, quick-witted and beautiful child will eventually solve. Co-writing such stories helps the child to believe in himself, teaches him to be the center of attention and not be afraid to act.

The second way to develop sociability is when a shy child plays with a younger child. This is proved by an experiment conducted by psychologists at the University of Minnesota. Scientists have come to the conclusion that playing with small children allows a timid child to show and realize his leadership qualities.

Shyness at school

Even self-confident and sociable children depend on the school environment and the teacher's attitude towards them. Shy children need to understand that they are no different from the other guys in the group. Not every teacher knows that it is necessary to pay attention to such children in the right way: to talk about everyday topics, but not touch those that can cause embarrassment. If shyness affects learning, it is better to make contact with such a child after school hours. For example, ask him for help after class.

It is necessary in a calm environment to assure him that he can ask questions about his studies without being afraid. In children's groups, where the competitive element is reduced to a minimum, and help and attention to each other are in the first place, usually there are no problems even for very timid schoolchildren.

No matter how wise your child’s teacher may be, with the beginning of studies, shyness (if any) becomes the dominant personality trait

how it will be approved by the teacher. Today, school is the place where a lot is demanded of children, criticized for mistakes. The main disadvantage here is that the child behaves like a child. Very often for a first grader, such an environment becomes a shock. Sometimes teachers try to re-educate the quiet and do it in the worst possible way.

Zimbardo criticizes school arrangements. He claims that the school is determined to produce passive and obedient citizens. The attention of children from the natural state of "here and now" is constantly directed to an uncertain future, for the sake of which one must study well.

A shy child already thinks too much about the consequences of his actions. His slight anxiety quickly develops into fear and anxiety, it is hard for such a child to enjoy the moment. The pleasure of learning is replaced by a system of external rewards for completing someone else's task on someone else's terms, which in no way contributes to the formation of an objective and prosperous attitude towards oneself in the child.

For success in school, parents must always be on the side of the child. Do not use the word "shy" in a conversation with a teacher, but call your child calm, reasonable, attentive. Never agree with the label "lagging behind" and even more so "backward". And always remember that the teacher can make mistakes.

Shy teenager

Shyness can make adolescence the worst period in life. Popularity in school is more important than grades, and it is the lack of popularity that makes the shy teenager suffer even more. Girls are especially subject to suffering, from whom amazing beauty is demanded from an early age. And if a girl does not look like the ideal accepted in the school company, she is in a state of constant dissatisfaction with herself and irritation. Shy teenagers are twice as likely to start drinking and smoking than their more confident peers. They consider alcohol and drugs a means of getting rid of their own timidity.

Parents can help a teenager, but this will require patience. Your child today can be affectionate and accommodating, and tomorrow forget all persuasions and promises. Zimbardo talks in detail about the problems that affect a teenager. At the same time, adults may not even suspect that unfashionable trousers or slight skin rashes can make him unhappy. And if in elementary school you closely monitored the behavior of everyone who surrounds your child, then in the senior school, reduce control to a minimum.

At the end of the book, Zimbardo, among other things, refers to grown-up boys and girls. He tells how you can understand and solve their problem in seven steps, and also gives specific recommendations for communication.

Photo: iStockphoto (volkovslava, NiDerLander, ilona75, gpointstudio, Hramovnick)

Cover image: iStockphoto

0003

Introverted child - what to do if the child is introverted and uncommunicative?

A child's insularity often leads parents into a state of confusion. How to talk a baby, help him find friends and interesting activities, if he is absolutely indifferent to what is happening in his life?

Closeness is not an innate character trait. You can work with this quality, filling your life with communication, new emotions. So, what to do if it seems to you that the child is closed?

What is closedness?

Often, isolation is attributed to the personal characteristics of a person, which is not entirely true: unlike shyness and timidity, isolation is formed gradually. This is a form of interaction with others, a way to protect yourself from stress, unpleasant sensations that inevitably penetrate through the protective shell.

It is believed that isolation occurs due to the loneliness of the child in the first year of life - the lack of attention, visual and tactile contacts with parents is to blame. However, isolation can appear much later (at preschool, primary school age).

If a child is an introvert by nature, isolation can become an undesirable bonus: lack of sociability, self-absorption will hinder adaptation.

Without parental participation, the child will get stuck in a negative state, so psychologists recommend paying attention to the mood of children, their habits.

Signs of isolation

What indicates increased isolation in a child?

Poor adaptation in a new team (kindergarten, school). The kid does not get acquainted with the members of the team, does not seek at least to know their names. During group games, he prefers to take the position of an observer, sits with a gadget or a book, immerses himself in another type of activity.
The child does not talk much. His voice noticeably changes: it becomes quiet, there are clamps, difficulties with the formulation of thoughts.
The child has no friends. Even short-term friendly contacts are limited. There are no close relationships: the baby does not talk about it, does not share his impressions and demonstrates indifference to the topic of communication with peers.
The child does not have a personal point of view. If it is required to voice an opinion during classes, the baby is reluctant to come up with it or inertly agrees with the generally accepted position. Nothing worries him, he is indifferent even to controversial issues that concern his life.
Introverted children are touchy, sentimental, easily brought to tears. The slightest trouble is taken to heart: the loss of a favorite toy, a sudden change of plans can ruin the mood for the whole day.

Also, isolation manifests itself physically: the child's sleep pattern is disturbed, pain in the head and muscles occurs without objective reasons. The gait is characterized by uncertainty, instability. Children hide their hands in their pockets, try not to swing them when walking.

Differences between closedness and shyness

Parents make a common mistake by putting an equal sign between isolation and shyness.

Shy children are drawn to their peers, but do not understand how to make contact. But closed kids do not strive for friendship, joint pastime: they isolate themselves.

What do reserved and shy children have in common?

Alertness towards strangers. The child reacts with caution if a person tries to get close, get to know each other.
As a result - a high level of anxiety, which manifests itself in other areas of life.
They do not like to change old habits. When an event occurs that changes the old way of life (studying at school, moving), the child cannot adapt for a long time.

One must learn to distinguish between reticence and shyness. Let's see what causes the emergence of isolation and how this quality manifests itself in life.

Emotional intelligence for children

We introduce children to the types of emotions, how to manage them and how to express themselves in teamwork, through situational games

learn more

Causes of withdrawal in children

Here are the most common reasons that subsequently lead to withdrawal in children.

Lack of communication with parents . Sometimes adults, immersed in work and everyday problems, forget to be interested in the affairs of the baby. This creates a persistent feeling of uselessness, and the children withdraw into themselves so as not to disturb family members with stories - why try if no one is interested?
Problems within the family circle . Watching the parents squabble, the child feels so bad that he runs away into the inner world.
Parental perfectionism . Making excessive demands on the child, you increase the psychological burden: the baby accepts the rules of the game and tries to please, but then patience ends - it's easier to ignore parents than to live up to unattainable ideals.
Strong emotional shock . With the help of isolation, children experience fear (death, loss, betrayal), fear (natural phenomena, people, animals frighten). Also, the cause can be emotional and physical abuse, bullying. Teenagers and adults also use a similar defense mechanism.
Diseases . If a child has health problems, it is not surprising that he becomes more secretive, withdrawn, does not want to make his feelings public. He needs inner strength to survive a difficult period.
Psychiatric disorders caused by past trauma.

It is worth sounding the alarm if the child's isolation begins to affect academic performance at school or kindergarten - classes in the humanities and extracurricular activities will quickly reveal the problem. It will be difficult for a child to read and retell texts, compose, improvise.

What to do if the child is withdrawn

Children who withdraw into themselves need additional emotional support (especially in crowded places where they feel uncomfortable). In the crowd, parents should pay attention to the child: often hold the hand, ask distracting questions, tell something funny. If the child looks confused, do not leave him alone.
Help your child include new friends in his social circle. Visit playgrounds, clubs of interest. Talk to other parents to help your child connect. However, do not force to communicate against your will - this can worsen the situation.
Choose reading-aloud stories that feature a lot of informal dialogue between characters. The child will learn new patterns for dialogues with peers, work on communication skills. Home theater, rehearsals with replicas of heroes will also help.
Become the initiator of a conversation with strangers more often - in a museum, kindergarten, shopping centers. The child needs to get used to the idea that contact with people can be easy and enjoyable.
Put gadgets aside. The child may not feel the need to communicate because from early childhood he watched how family members spend time apart, doing their own business on the Internet. It is worth adding more live communication on weekdays: for example, discuss with the baby at a family dinner what he is going to do tomorrow, what worries him.

Games and exercises to overcome withdrawal

Games can be a useful tool in psychotherapy. Parents do not need to have special knowledge to change the child's behavior during play activities.

Preschoolers and younger students respond particularly well to the introduction of such exercises.

"What can you answer?"

Sometimes isolation is directly related to a lack of experience in communication in society or poor imagination: both components are required in order to appropriately insert remarks into a conversation. By developing intelligence with your child, you will help him feel relaxed during a dialogue with strangers.

Offer to imagine a non-standard, fantastic situation: a child is walking in the woods and suddenly meets a cartoon character, etc. Fairy-tale characters do not exist in reality, therefore it is easier to work with them - there is no barrier in the form of embarrassment, there is no social framework.

When the child gets used to it, move on to the next stage of fantasizing: think up an episode with real people (classmates, neighbors, distant relatives). The child is stuck in the elevator with the guys who live in your house. What will they do? What to talk about?

Actors

An exercise game suitable for the whole family. The bottom line: you need to collect a list of states and emotions, and then express them using facial expressions, body language.

What can be depicted? Feelings of confusion, coldness, fear, euphoria, joy… Let the child come up with new options that are more applicable to his daily life.

“Finish the phrase”

Build several syntactic constructions with a positive message: “I can…”, “Tomorrow I can…”, etc. The child has to complete the sentences with you. Such an exercise helps to believe in yourself, to present positive development scenarios.

Any contact games help: hide and seek, hide and seek. Fun, mobility are good helpers in the fight against isolation.

A closed child: advice from psychologists to parents

Faced with a child's withdrawal, start acting immediately. A defensive reaction is associated with a painful experience in the past, and trauma can poison the life of a baby if not dealt with in time.

Permanently exclude physical punishment from the methods of education, if you allowed yourself to do it.
Speak to children in a calm, welcoming tone without raising your voice. Screaming from parents forces children to look for a safe state that would help them survive adult aggression. That is why babies become closed, taciturn.
Try to criticize the actions of the baby less - switch to successes and achievements. The fear of not pleasing mom and dad again forces the child to be passive, not to take the initiative.
Conflicts within the family affect children more than adults realize. Quarrels between spouses have a negative impact on the state of the child's psyche: the world begins to seem hostile and unreliable, the ideal image of parents that exists in the mind of the baby is destroyed. Try to sort things out without witnesses.
Learn more