You’re arguing constantly and rarely talk anymore. You’re not sure when things started drifting, but your relationship has definitely changed. Thankfully, you can still repair the relationship! These 7 tips will help you learn how to mend a broken relationship with your son or daughter, even if it seems impossible.

I know it’s bad, but I don’t even want to spend time with my child.

He’s so demanding and high-energy.

All we do is argue.

He never listens. It seems like he won’t do anything unless I yell.

Life has just been so hard lately.

I think back to when he was little, we used to take walks and explore nature. He would give me the biggest hugs.

What happened? When did we drift so far apart?

How can I repair this relationship?

Disrepair happens slowly. You may not even notice that it’s happening at the time.

Then, one day, you realize how far you’ve drifted from one another.

It can feel shocking, sad, frustrating, or lonely.

But, you don’t have to stay stuck in a distant relationship. There are things you can do to repair a relationship with your child, even if it feels like an impossible task.

Here are a few tips to get you started.

How to mend a broken relationship with your son or daughter.

• Acknowledge the rift: In a calm moment, let your child know what you’ve observed and how you feel about it. Your child’s response may vary. They may agree, disagree, be indifferent, angry or annoyed. Whatever their response, keep the focus on your own thoughts and feelings, rather than forcing them to agree or feel the same. “I realize things have been a little tense between us. That makes me sad, I want to work on easing that tension.”

• Make Amends: Rather than focusing on your child’s behavior or actions, take responsibility for your part in the disrepair. Have you been busy, impatient, frustrated, controlling, etc? Apologize and work on making it right with your child. Keep it simple, and avoid adding”…but, you should…” to the end. “I’m sorry that I’ve been distracted after school lately, I’m going to put my phone away, so I can focus on listening better.”

• Engage in an activity together: Rather than allowing the distance to continue, work to find something to do that gives you a chance to be together. It may be a board game, shooting baskets, taking a walk or even playing a video game. Sometimes, it’s best to just be together in silence, rather than forcing your child to talk. If your child is resistant, keep the door open and continue to look for opportunities to spend time together.

• Do something different: Replace negative communication patterns with something helpful or positive. That may mean taking a deep breath before responding to your child, focusing on listening rather than giving advice or working on being empathetic (even if you don’t necessarily agree). It may take time for this new behavior to become a habit. In the meantime, give yourself permission to be a “work in progress. ”

• Be patient: One of the most challenging aspects of repairing a relationship is not being in control of the other person. When working on a repair, don’t force it. Somedays it may seem that your efforts are not making a difference. Your child may be skeptical of your intentions or wondering if you will be consistent.  Above all, your child wants to know that you love and value them and the relationship. Your hard work is not for nothing, but it may take time to see the results.

• Get professional help: If the relationship is damaged due to abuse, neglect, addiction or mental health concerns, or if it’s just not getting any better, it’s best to seek the help of a mental health professional.   Therapists can help you and your child navigate the choppy waters of building trust, learning new skills and engaging in healthy patterns. It’s not a sign of weakness to seek mental health support, it’s a sign that you realize the importance of your relationship and value it enough to get help.

• Make space for grief: Waiting can be exhausting. And for some parents, despite numerous efforts and attempts at repair, the distance remains. Allow yourself time to grieve the loss or change of the relationship. Feeling sad or discouraged doesn’t mean you’ve given up hope for reconciliation. Find support from other adults who are willing to listen, encourage, and even cry with you, during this difficult time.

Look for the good.

Mending a damaged relationship can be “one step forward, two steps back.”

Just when you think you’re back on track, something happens, and there’s distance again.

Instead of waiting for perfection, look for the good.

• Notice when your child hangs around a little more than usual.
• Smile when he walks into the room.
• Celebrate when you make it through a transition without an argument.

Find something positive every day.

Then, look for 3 good things.

Slowly, you’ll notice a shift in your thinking. Rather than trying to avoid him, you may start to enjoy him again.

And just when you thought the days of nature walks and hugs were over…

Your child may surprise you.

How can I help?

If repair sounds like a great idea but you have no idea how to put it into place with your child, let’s talk! We can explore what’s going on in your relationship and brainstorm ways to make things better. Learn more about Parent Coaching.

Welcome! I'm Nicole Schwarz.

I'm a Parent Coach, Licensed Therapist and Author of It Starts with You. I help stressed, overwhelmed, confused parents find calm, confidence and connection with their kids. No one is expecting perfection here. But, if you’re willing to examine your parenting, find encouragement, or try something new, this is the place for you.

Tips for parents: how to establish contact with a child

Often, the first acquaintance with psychoactive substances occurs at 11-13 years old, less often at 8-10 years old. This age is distinguished by curiosity, there is an interest in everything new, unusual. Adolescents do not yet have sufficient knowledge on the development of dependence on tobacco, alcohol, and drugs. During this period, understanding, support and participation from parents is important for adolescents.

About how you can establish contact with a child in a difficult period for him, we have given in 11 paragraphs below.

Show and tell children that you love them

Unconditional parental love helps the child to confidently go through life, feel the support of relatives, and also teaches them to accept themselves and others as they are. Children are never too old to be told that they are the most beloved and most dear.

Communicate with each other

Share your impressions and thoughts with your child, and then he will learn to talk about himself with you, begin to share his experiences in response. Lack of communication makes him seek advice from other people.

Listen to each other

Encourage the child, keep the conversation going, show your interest in what he is telling you. For example, ask: “what happened next?” or "tell me about it..." or "what do you think about it?"

Put yourself in his shoes

It often seems to a teenager that no one has ever experienced his problems. It would be nice to show that you are aware of how difficult it is for him. Agree that he can turn to you at any time when he really needs it. The main thing is that the child feels that you are always interested in what is happening to him.

Spend time together

Go to the movies, go to the stadium, go fishing, pick mushrooms, or just watch a TV show. So your child will always be in front of you and it will not occur to him to do something illegal. By supporting teenagers with hobbies that promote their development and personal growth, you take a very important step in preventing the emergence of negative addictions or addictions.

Pay attention to who your child interacts with

It is the environment that largely determines the behavior of children, their attitude towards elders, their duties, school and much more. It is important during this period to try to take part in organizing the leisure of your child's friends, as far as possible, involve them in sports, creativity, and socially significant activities. By organizing leisure time, you will help not only other children, but first of all - your child.

Remember that your child is a person

Everyone wants to feel important, special, and needed. You can help your child develop positive qualities, and build on them in the future. When your child feels that he has achieved something, and you rejoice in his achievements, his level of self-esteem rises. And this, in turn, makes him do useful and important things than the use of tobacco or alcohol.

Set a positive example

Remember, your use of alcohol, tobacco or other harmful substances, even if infrequently and on certain occasions, contributes to your children accepting it as the norm. There will be no result if you strive for the ideal in the child, and not in yourself!

Help children set realistic goals

If they or their parents expect too much, failure can be devastating to their personality. Your child should know that his personal, though objectively small in comparison with others, achievements will cause you the same pride and the same admiration as the highest achievements and victories of others.

Give the child real responsibility

Children who have household responsibilities consider themselves significant in the family. They perceive the fulfillment of their duties as an achievement.

Teach your child to resist peer pressure

Use four rules to nurture resistance to pressure:

- Learn to appreciate the individuality in people and in yourself. At the right moment, ask to say what makes you special, unlike anyone else, unique person;

- Ask him to write a description of a true friend: “a friend is . ..” and “a friend is not ...”. While he completes the task, write your description of the friend. Talk, comparing how many of the same characteristics in your descriptions and find out who is a true friend.

Teach your child to say “no” to people. Most parents teach their children to be polite, respect others, and be obedient. However, this is not enough for your son or daughter to fend for themselves;

Do teenagers persistently offer each other to drink alcohol, try drugs? You can help your child avoid these situations by introducing special rules. For example, he will not go to his friends' houses if there are no adults there or will not go to birthday parties that are held without adult supervision.

Yes, parenting is hard work, but make sure both you and your child enjoy spending time together. Remember, it's never too late to change your behavior in order to build a relationship with your child.

How to establish emotional contact with a child

For parents

I am a family therapist. Clients constantly ask me about how to establish contact with the child.

Work that takes a lot of energy and effort, exhausting climbing the career ladder, endless running on a wheel - all this does not give us the opportunity to devote as much time to the family as we would like. If you feel like the previous phrase applies to you, you are not alone. Many families come to me with similar problems.

It's not that hard to get in touch with you. The main thing is to learn to understand the experiences of the child, to treat him with sincere interest.

1. Show interest in his hobbies

I think this is the most important thing. Sharing the interests of a child is not always easy, for example, if you support different sports teams. I'm not asking you to love everything he likes. Just show a sincere interest in his hobbies, ask questions.

2. Do not forbid the child to be angry

Children need to express their feelings, anger is a natural emotion. If they are not allowed to express their feelings, they will not learn to do so. If you punish them for expressing anger, they will decide that it is forbidden to express it, and they will accumulate anger in themselves, which in the future can cause many problems: headaches and other health problems. This does not mean that we have the right to express our anger without any concern for the feelings of others.

3. Every child is unique

Children are different: some are more sensitive, others rarely openly show emotions. Children learn to express emotions in many ways: playing in the yard, watching their peers, imitating their parents. A significant role is played by genetic predisposition and the influence of the environment.

Create an atmosphere in your family that allows you to express emotions in different ways. As adults, we are different, and we should not expect all children to behave in the same way.

4. Do not indulge him beyond measure

Such a mistake is easy to make both for adults who were not allowed to express emotions freely in childhood, and those who come from poor or single-parent families.

It is important not to spoil the child by trying to create for him a happy childhood, which we have been deprived of. If a child does not know the word "no", he will not learn to respect others. He will believe that he has the right to take anything and do whatever he pleases. Children need limits and want you to set them so they can tell good from bad. In addition, restrictions teach them self-respect.

5. Be a role model

“Do as I say, not as I do!” - the wrong approach to education. If you tell them not to binge on cookies, and you take one after another, they will wonder why you do it. It's okay to make mistakes, but it's important to take responsibility for them. The child should know that you can rely on: if you promised to take him to the movies or for a walk in the park, then be sure to keep your word.

Remember to take care of yourself. Get enough sleep, opt for natural foods, drink plenty of water, exercise, and rest when needed.

Education is hard work.

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