How to father a child

How to be a Great Dad: 18 Tips for Fatherhood

in: Fatherhood, Featured, People

Guest Contributor • August 3, 2008 • Last updated: May 30, 2021

Photo by free parking

Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Leo Babauta of Zen Habits, a father of six children.

Being a father can be a wonderful thing, once you get past all the gross stuff, all the stressful events, the loss of privacy, and the bewildering numbers of ways you can screw it up.

But other than those few things, fatherhood is wonderful.

Every dad has fears that he won’t be a great dad, that he’ll mess up, that he’ll be a failure. It comes with the job.

Unfortunately, what doesn’t come with the job is a simple set of instructions. As guys, we often will skip the manual, figuring we can wing it … but when things go wrong, it’s nice to have that manual to go back to. Fatherhood needs that manual.

And while, as the father of six children, you might say that I’m qualified to write such a manual, it’s not true — I’m winging it like everyone else. However, I’ve been a father for more than 15 years, and with six kids I’ve learned a lot about what works and what doesn’t, what’s important and what you can safely ignore (unlike that odd grating sound coming from your engine).

What follows are the fatherhood tips I wish they’d passed out to me upon the delivery of my first child. It would have helped a ton. I hope they’ll help you become an even more awesome dad than you already are — feel free to refer back to them as a cheat sheet, anytime you need some help.

1. Cherish your time with them. One thing that will amaze you is how quickly the years will fly. My oldest daughter is 15, which means I have three short years with her before she leaves the nest. That’s not enough time! The time you have with them is short and precious — make the most of it. Spend as much time as you can with them, and make it quality, loving time. Try to be present as much as possible while you’re with them too — don’t let your mind drift away, as they can sense that.
2. It gets easier. Others may have different experiences, but I’ve always found the first couple of months the most difficult, when the baby is brand new and wants to feed at all hours of the night and you often have sleepless nights and walk around all day like zombies. It gets easier, as they get a regular sleeping pattern. The first couple of years are also a lot more demanding than later years, and as they hit middle school they become almost functioning, independent adults. It gets easier, trust me.
3. Don’t look at anything as “mom” duties — share responsibilities. While there are a lot of good things from our grandparents’ day that we should bring back, the traditional dad/mom split of parenting duties isn’t one of them. Some men still look at certain duties as “mom” duties, but don’t be one of those dads. Get involved in everything, and share the load with your baby mama. Changing diapers, giving baths, getting them dressed, even feeding them (you can give them breast milk in a bottle).
4. Love conquers all. This one sounds corny, but it should be at the center of your dad operating philosophy: above all, show your children love. When you’re upset, instead of yelling, show them love. When they are upset, show them love. When they least expect it, show them love. Everything else is just details.
5. Kids like making decisions. While it is easier to be an authoritarian parent, what you’re teaching your child is to submit to orders no matter what. Instead, teach your child to make decisions, and he’ll grow up much more capable — and happier. Kids like freedom and decisions, just like any other human beings. Your job is to allow them to make decisions, but within the parameters that you set. Give them a choice between two healthy breakfasts, for example, rather than allowing them to eat a bowl of sugar if they choose to.
6. A little patience goes a long way. As a parent, I know as well as anyone how easy it is to lose your patience and temper. However, allowing yourself to react in anger or frustration is not the best thing for your child, and you must remember that. That means you need to take a deep breath, or a walk, when you start to lose your patience. Practice patience with your child and your relationship, and your child, will benefit over the long run.
7. Sense of humor required. There will be times when your child does something that might make you blow your lid — writing in crayon all over the walls is a good one, as is dumping some kind of liquid on your couch, or sneaking out and taking your car to meet up with friends. While you need to teach your child not to do these things, it’s better to just laugh at the humor in the situation. I’ve learned to do this more often, and it helps me keep my sanity.
8. Read to them, often. Whether you’re a reader or not, reading to your children (from the time they’re babies onward) is crucial. It gets them in the habit of reading, and prepares them for a lifetime of learning. It gives you some special time together, and become a tradition your child will cherish. I read with all my children, from my 2-year-old and my 15-year-old, and love every word we read together. See my list of Best All-Time Children’s Books.
9. Don’t be the absent dad. The biggest mistake that dads make are not being there for their children. Always, always set aside time each day and each week for your children. Don’t let anything violate this sacred time. And at those big moments in your child’s life — a soccer game, a music recital, a science fair — do you very best to be there. It means the world.
10. Let them play. Kids really develop through playing — and while it might seem obvious, you should allow them as much free play as possible. That’s aside from TV and video games (see below), aside from reading, aside from anything structured or educational. Just let them play, and make things up, and have fun.
11. Spark their imagination. Free play, mentioned above, is the best way to develop the imagination, but sometimes you can provide a little spark. Play with your kids, creating forts, dressing up as ninjas, role playing, imagining you’re explorers or characters in a movie or book … the possibilities are endless, and you’ll have as much fun as they will.
12. Limit TV and video games. I’m not saying you have to be Amish or anything, but too much of this type of entertainment keeps them from doing more imaginative playing, from reading, from getting outside to exercise. I recommend an hour a day of “media time”, but you can find the amount that works for you and your family.
13. Learn the “firm no”. While I’m all for giving kids the freedom to choose, and for free play, and lots of other freedoms, there should be limits. Parents who don’t set boundaries are going to have children with behavior problems, who have problems when they grow up. And if it’s not good to always say “yes”, it’s also not good for the child to say “no” at first … and then cave in when they throw a temper tantrum or beg and plead. Teach them that your “no” is firm, but only say “no” when you really feel that it’s a boundary you need to set.
14. Model good behavior. It’s one thing to tell you child what she should do, but to say one thing and do another just ruins the message. In fact, the real lesson your child will learn is what you do. Your child is always watching you, to learn appropriate behavior. Excessive drinking or smoking or drug use by parents, for example, will become ingrained in the child’s head. Bad manners, inconsiderate behavior, sloppy habits, anger and a negative attitude, laziness and greed … all these behaviors will rub off on your child. Instead, model the behavior you’d like your child to learn.
15. Treat their mother with respect, always. Some fathers can be abusive toward their spouse, and that will lead to a cycle of abuse when the child grows up. But beyond physical or verbal abuse, there’s the milder sin against the child’s mother: disrespectful behavior. If you treat your child’s mother with disrespect, your child will not only learn that behavior, but grow up with insecurities and other emotional problems. Treat your child’s mother with respect at all times.
16. Let them be themselves. Many parents try to mold their child into the person they want their child to be … even if the child’s personality doesn’t fit that mold. Instead, instill good behaviors and values in your child, but give your child freedom to be himself. Children, like all humans, have quirks and different personalities. Let those personalities flourish. Love your child for who he is, not who you want him to be.
17. Teach them independence. From an early age, teach your children to do things for themselves, gradually letting them be more independent as they grow older. While it may seem difficult and time-consuming to teach your child to do something that you could do much faster yourself, it’s worth it in the long run, for the child’s self-confidence and also in terms of how much you have to do. For example, my kids know how to wash their own dishes, help clean the house, clean their rooms, fold and put away laundry, shower, groom and dress themselves, and much more — saving a lot of time and work for me. Even my 2-year-old knows how to pick things up when she’s told to do so.
18. Stand together with mom. It’s no good to have one parent say one thing, just to have the other contradict that parent. Instead, you and mom should be working together as a parenting team, and should stand by each other’s decisions. That said, it’s important that you talk out these decisions beforehand, so that you don’t end up having to support a decision you strongly disagree with.

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25 Simple Things That Mean a Lot to Your Child

Inside: If you want to know the secret of how to be a good father, here are the simple things great dads do that will mean a lot to your child.

I never knew my dad, so the experience of watching my husband become a father has been powerful for me.

Every time he crouches down and invites one of our kids to run and jump into his strong arms, I know exactly how much that means.

When he cranks up one of our favorite love songs for kids on the stereo, grabs our oldest by the hand, and twirls her around the living room.

The times he sits on the floor with our toddler, building with LEGOs or piecing together a puzzle or taking a pretend sip of blueberry tea from a pink plastic teacup.

If you want to know the secret of how to be a good father, that’s what a child needs most of all.

But Here’s the Problem

Some dads think it’s all or nothing. That it’s the big gestures that count.

Taking the whole family on an expensive vacation. Buying your kid a new car when they turn 16. Working 50, 60, 70 hours a week to get that next raise, that next promotion so you can get that bigger house.

But that’s not what matters most to your kids.

Research shows that stuff doesn’t actually make kids happy, but experiences do make kids happy. Not only that, shared experiences with loved ones stick with kids for a lifetime.

How to Be a Good Father: 25 Little Things That Mean a Lot to Your Child

If you want to know the secret of how to be a good father, here are the simple things your kids want from you. And as it turns out, these small moments are actually the biggest moments of all.

But first, a warning: To be a great dad, you certainly don’t have to do everything on this list! This is a guilt-free zone for parents.

With that said, I’m sharing this list because I know how easy it is to get wrapped up in the daily routine and miss these simple opportunities for meaningful connection with our kids. I know because I do it myself. And as someone who deeply appreciates what a good father brings to the table, I’m sharing this reminder of what really, truly matters to your kids.

Just for fun, try to find something new-to-you on this list or something you haven’t done for a while, and set a personal goal to do it today.

1.

The next time you head to the garage to fix something or build something, bring your kid along. Explain what you’re trying to accomplish, and let them help. It may take you longer to get the job done, but you’ll make your kid’s day.

2.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t dance. Sway side to side, spin in a circle, jump up and down. Throw on an awesome family dance party playlist and be silly. Not only will you have fun, but listening to music together creates healthy family bonds and shapes positive memories.

3.

Something you and your child can do together, every day – or at least every week.

For my husband and our toddler, they make a bowl of oatmeal every morning and sit down together to share it. You could meet your kids for lunch, let your child help you get dressed in the morning (pick out your socks or a belt, put your shoes on for you, and so on), brush your teeth together at night. It doesn’t have to be anything special, but the time and regularity of a shared ritual will be special to your child.

4.

My husband uses this set of adorable family conversation starters every night with our kids, and it’s been one of his secret weapons in learning how to be a good father. Asking these powerful questions helps everyone end the day feeling connected, loved, and happy.

If your child shares a problem, don’t try to fix it. I know it’s hard, but just listen while they talk. If you must, you can try to gently nudge them in the direction of a solution. But really, they just want you to listen.

5.

When you’re watching your favorite sporting event on TV, take the time to explain the rules of the game to your kid. You’ll probably end up with a buddy to watch the next game with.

6.

If you give your child a greeting card, write an extra note from your heart. Whether it’s a paragraph or a sentence, your words will mean the world to your child.

On regular days, surprise your kid with notes in their school lunch box or Post-It notes on their bathroom mirror. You can tell a joke, write down what you admire about them, or just say “I love you.”

7.

Your kid is never too old to be read to. For younger kids, read a bedtime story. For older kids, you can take turns reading out loud from the same book.

If you need ideas for book, check out 10 Children’s Books That Will Make Your Kids Feel Absolutely Loved.

8.

Have a coffee date.

Bring your favorite board game or card game to your neighborhood coffee shop, then treat yourselves to a fancy drink while you play – coffee for you, hot chocolate for your child. Here’s a list of our all-time favorite family board games for all ages, many of which we sell in our family-owned shop here.

Bonus: All game orders placed in our family-owned shop get a $7.99 bonus credit after purchase to spend on our “happy family” printables!

4,687 families purchased this game after reading this post…

Sleeping Queens

MSRP $13.99 for deluxe; $11.99 for original
    
“My daughter and I love Sleeping Queens! It teaches them math without them even realizing it – or me, for that matter. I remember my daughter laid down a sequence that was like 1 + 3 + 5 = 9, and I thought ‘How did you know that…?’ Then I realized she just figured it out from doing math in the game. So cool to watch her learn right before my eyes.” – Ann

Related: Forget Candyland! This Is the Best List of Board Games for All Ages

9.

Come home early from work one day, even if it’s just a half hour early. Or take the day or the morning off work to do something fun with your kids, even if it’s just once a year.

10.

Get a shared journal for kids and parents and write back and forth to each other. This is my favorite father-daughter journal^† or father-son journal because it gives you a magical way to get your kid to open up about what’s going on so you can stay connected. Or if you’d prefer to share a drawing journal, this dad and me art journal works great.

^† This site is reader-supported. When you buy through our links, we may earn an affiliate commission.

11.

Do it at least once. Show them your desk, where you fill up your coffee, and the conference room where you fight to stay awake during your weekly status meetings. Tell them what you do all day when you’re away from them.

12.

Remind your child of your unconditional love by saying it out loud on a regular basis. You can say “You are important to me” or “I feel so lucky to be your dad” or just “I love you. ” For more ideas, check out How to Make Your Child Feel Absolutely Loved: 75 Positive Words for Kids.

13.

Your child loves to hear simple stories from when you were a kid. Also, tell stories about when they were younger.

14.

I know you’re tired when you get home from work, but grab the kids and go outside. A few minutes is all you need. Dinner will wait, I promise. Not sure what to do? You can look for interesting bugs together, play catch, or hop on your bikes for a quick ride around the block.

15.

Make dinner.

No matter if you’re the chef of the family or your partner usually does the cooking, pick a night and make dinner with the kids. Involve them in deciding what to make, then involve them in the work of making it. (As an added bonus, they’ll be much more likely to eat a dinner they helped make.)

16.

When you sit down and just play for a few minutes – no smartphones, no multitasking – your child will light up.

17.

If you don’t know many kid-friendly jokes, these two joke books are our favorites, and they’re both super inexpensive: Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids and Knock-Knock Jokes for Kids. (If you like those, this author has a ton of joke books for even more ideas!)

18.

Research shows this kind of play builds emotional intelligence and brings joy for kids – yes, even girls!

19.

When your child does something helpful or remembers to do the thing you always have to remind them about, look them in the eye and say “thank you.”

20.

Whether you have a physical photo album or a folder of pictures on your computer, sit down together and look through family photos. Relive fun family vacations, your kids’ first steps, and birthday parties.

21.

Try something like tennis or basketball, or just play catch.

22.

Say yes.

Surprise your child by saying “yes” when you’d usually say “no.” Can I have a piece of chocolate? Yes! Can we play a game? Yes! Can you teach me how to drive? Uhh…yes?

23.

Apologizing to your child doesn’t make you a “weak” parent. Apologizing teaches your child how to be a kind, thoughtful human – and that takes strength.

If you lost your temper and raised your voice, tell your child you’re sorry and that you’ll try to do better next time. If they were trying to tell you something and you weren’t paying attention, apologize and ask them if they’ll tell you again. If you made a promise but couldn’t keep it, tell them your plan for making it up to them.

24.

Show up to your child’s concerts, ball games, dance recitals, science fairs. Whatever their hobbies or interests are, be there.

25.

It’s nearly impossible to get too many hugs from your dad. Make sure they’re good quality hugs of six seconds or more. Here’s why. If your kids are older and hug-averse, try high-fives instead and work up to hugs.

Bonus: How to Reconnect After a Tough Moment With Your Child

After a negative interaction with your child, you need to reconnect through a positive moment or two so you can close the distance between you and your child. Because if you don’t close that gap and your child feels a lack of connection, that will lead to more unnecessary power struggles and less cooperation from your child when you ask them to do something.

But unfortunately, when your brain is flooded with stress hormones in the moment, it’s incredibly difficult to think of something fun and sweet to do with your child so you can reconnect.

Which is why I created these Family Connection Cards, based on the science of what actually works when you need to reconnect. These cards remove the mental burden of figuring out how to reconnect with your child so you can just focus on nurturing your bond with your child. At any point during your day, you can pick a card to get a quick and simple idea for connecting.

And in just 10 minutes a day, these powerful cards will make your child feel absolutely loved and stop the power struggles caused by disconnection.

Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear

Your Turn

When it comes to how to be a good dad, what’s your best advice? Share in a comment below!

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about important aspects of men's health - articles MEDI

It is said that in life a man must do three important things: build a house, plant a tree and give birth to a son. The decision to become a father is the most important moment in life. You can change jobs, move to a new place of residence and completely change your social circle, but a child is for life. His health will determine your attitude, his success will directly affect self-esteem, and the love of the baby will warm you every day, every minute, every second!

Preparation for conception is the foundation for the entire subsequent life of an adult man, which means that this period should be treated with the utmost responsibility.

One of my patients at the reception said: "Doctor, I want to become a father...". For me, being a father and being a dad are somewhat different concepts. Fatherhood is a biological concept, and being a dad is something more capacious, full of obligations, responsibility, but not devoid of sincerity and romance.

For a woman, a visit to the gynecologist has become a routine, one might say mandatory process before planning a pregnancy. But two completely full-fledged cells take part in conception - the egg and the sperm, which means the quality of the hereditary material, the ability to conceive, which we call fertility, directly depends on the health of the future father.

Modern dangers for men's health

A man's health, and hence the qualitative and quantitative characteristics of the seminal fluid, its fertilizing ability, is influenced by numerous and varied factors. Have you ever wondered what we eat? What products are on our table, where do they come from and under what conditions are they grown? Why doesn’t milk spoil in the refrigerator for almost a week after opening, and butter doesn’t melt? What do those we eat eat? Where does the fish we eat swim and what does it eat? What are our products packaged in? What pitfalls for a man's reproductive potential are modern cosmetics, sunscreens, household chemicals? I'm not talking about what we drink in everyday life and what we breathe in the metropolis. ..

Urbanization, environmental factors, lifestyle and dietary habits, chronic diseases, medication, bad habits, stressful stimuli, harmful working conditions, such as chemicals, ionizing radiation, vibration, high temperatures - all this undoubtedly impairs the reproductive potential of the human body . And the male body is especially vulnerable to these influences.

Over the past 50 years, in many industrialized countries, the quality of sperm has deteriorated sharply in men. The average Western man produces half as much sperm as his father or grandfather. Studies in Denmark, Scotland and France show that sperm density in young men is lower than in older men. In some European countries, poor sperm quality affects one in three young men.

One of the most common causes of male infertility is the inflammatory process of the reproductive system.

Infections - it is important to detect in time

The high frequency of genital infections in marriage is due to the prevalence of the inflammatory process, the possibility of long-term asymptomatic lesions of the gonads and often having a chronic and recurrent course. Indirect signs indicating an infection of the genitals are changes in the normal volume of semen, impaired motility and agglutination of spermatozoa, deviations in the biochemical parameters of the secretion of the gonads. The infectious process and its complications can affect in isolation or sequentially various organs of the genitourinary system: the prostate gland, seminal vesicles, vas deferens, testicles and their appendages.

Infection often leads to the occurrence of a chronic inflammatory process in the gonads, causing a toxic effect on the spermatogenic epithelium, a violation of the hematotesticular barrier, rheological properties and chemical components of seminal fluid, activation of the autoimmune process with the appearance of antisperm antibodies (ASAT). In the pathogenesis of inflammatory diseases, most often manifested in the form of prostatitis and vesiculitis, sexually transmitted infections (STIs) play an important role.

A high frequency of asymptomatic and subclinical forms of the inflammatory process caused by chlamydia, ureaplasmas and mycoplasmas has been established. Such forms of inflammatory diseases are the most dangerous in terms of infertility, because. years pass from the moment of infection to the visit to the doctor about the absence of children in the family. And all these years the infection has not been diagnosed and treated. As a result, a violation of the reproductive function in men can be caused even by partial or complete obstruction of the vas deferens, and in women - obstruction of the fallopian tubes and adhesions in the small pelvis.

Late fatherhood is a risk factor

Late fatherhood is not a new phenomenon. According to the biblical legend, the founder of the Jewish people, Abraham, became a father at the age of one hundred years, kings and royalty never denied themselves the joy of late fatherhood. Examples of our days: Nicolas Sarkozy (57 years old), Paul McCartney (61 years old), Valery Zolotukhin (70 years old), Oleg Tabakov (71 years old), Clint Eastwood (61 years old), Charlie Chaplin (73 years old).

Of course, there are undeniable advantages in late fatherhood. A man devotes more time to his family and child, sets priorities more clearly. As a rule, he has already reached certain heights in his career, built his own housing. In addition, mature fathers have the experience of previous marriages behind them, and often also adult children. It comes to understanding how much they have missed due to the career race and lack of time, and sometimes simply the lack of curiosity about children's life, which is characteristic of younger fathers.

But late parenthood is a risk factor. If a parent has crossed the line of 50 years, this often leads to a violation of the child's chromosome set or hereditary diseases. In general, the risk of having unhealthy offspring in such fathers is higher than in those who are younger. With the division of spermatogenesis cells and the formation of new DNA chains, there is always a risk of a “breakage” of the gene. And the older the man, the greater this probability. Thus, a twenty-year-old father can pass on about 25 hereditary mutations, a thirty-six-year-old father 50, and a fifty-three-year-old father already about 100.

Of course, a gene mutation does not yet mean its obligatory defect associated with the subsequent illness of the child, but this is a serious risk factor. Older fathers more often give birth to children with disorders in the formation of the skeleton and bone tissue. There is also a threat of development of mental disorders in children. According to the Lawrence Livermo California National Laboratory, the development of autism syndrome in children whose fathers are over fifty is twice as common as those whose fathers are not more than thirty years old.

And according to researchers from Tel Aviv University, fathers aged 55 and older are five times more likely to give birth to a child with Down syndrome, a 37% increased risk of manic-depressive psychosis in a child. Women who have a child whose father is older than 55 are twice as likely to have miscarriages and missed pregnancies. Of course, most children are still born healthy. But it is important to be aware of these risks as well.

Thus, almost every man in our time has a reason for early examination when planning the "heir". This is what will help to avoid severe, and sometimes irreparable consequences for the health of the unborn baby. The doctor's task is to carefully study your living conditions and professional environment, eating habits, and the presence of harmful chronic intoxications. Find out if they already have an impact on the reproductive sphere, and correctly and optimally prescribe an examination.

How they become dads or The psychology of fatherhood how they communicate with him.

The two main components of parenthood are motherhood and fatherhood . Unfortunately, very often fatherhood is perceived not as something unique, unlike anything else, but as just an addition to motherhood.

Paternity - is not just a blood relationship between a father and his child . Fatherhood is also defined as an innate feeling that prompts a man to act in relation to a child (or his children) with sympathetic responsibility ie. fatherhood is the ability to ensure the conditions for the development of a child , and not only from a material point of view. But fatherhood also provides unique opportunities for the manifestation of the personality of the man himself.

The main thing in the formation of a sense of fatherhood for a man - the future father - awareness of changes in the image of "I", awareness of oneself as a father . The main goal of the ongoing psychological restructuring is to provide a man, a husband with the most favorable conditions for the development and birth of a new person, for maintaining the mental and physical health of his wife. These changes include a serious reassessment of one's own values ​​for a man, setting new priorities in life. He has many new responsibilities and functions, changes in relations with his wife (after all, she becomes the mother of his children), new feelings and emotions that he has not experienced before, and even the vocabulary expands (at least for the terminology associated with pregnancy and newborn care).

That is, fatherhood is a completely new level on his life path, a new round in the development of the personality of a man .

But a new step in life is always a test. Fatherhood is only possible due to the fact that a man refuses many of the already stereotypical patterns of behavior with others and attitudes towards himself. The feeling of fatherhood is often accompanied by a change in lifestyle to one that is more consistent with the role and title of the father and contributes to getting used to this role for the first time (before assigning this title), which can cause crisis conditions.

How is “paternity” formed in the soul of a man? Of course, a lot depends on cultural and family traditions, but the personal history of a man, the history of his own relationship with his father, also plays a no less important role. Whom is the future father going to raise: his own child or himself, the way he was in childhood? To what extent will a man be able to realize that his child is not himself, to realize the great responsibility that falls on him?

The paternal attitude is laid down long before the birth of a child in a man and is determined by childhood impressions, affirmation of oneself as a man in adolescence, it is also influenced by erotic relationships of later years. The attitude towards the child is “predetermined” much earlier than the future father thinks about having a baby. Therefore, it is not at all surprising that those men who lived a happy childhood, who had a loving, caring, understanding father, want to have children more often than those who did not have such a childhood.

An important moment in the beginning of psychological adaptation to the father's role, the beginning of the formation of the self-concept of the father, is the moment when a man finds out that his wife (or another girlfriend) is pregnant. What kind of storm in the soul of the future father did the news of the pregnancy produce: delight, joy, grief, or did it leave him calm and indifferent? And this largely depends on how the relationship of a man with his father developed.

The birth of a child should be separately identified as a kind of test in a man's life. This is the moment when both the Mother and the Father are born (maybe that is why men who are not present at the birth of their own child often dump unspent energy with the help of alcohol). A very important factor is the presence of a man during childbirth, unless, of course, he feels an inner readiness for this (after all, his task from prehistoric times is to protect his woman if she herself cannot do this). In addition to helping to prevent adverse events during childbirth, the first cry of a child has the most tangible effect on the inclusion of not only maternal, but also paternal instinct. Fathers who witness the birth of their child, as well as their wives, experience deep feelings during childbirth and they form a strong attachment to children. American research 50 years ago showed that if a father is present at the birth of his baby, then they establish a special contact and their own unique relationship. Such a father is more involved in the life of the mother and child, without shifting all responsibility to the woman, he can take care of the child, play with him on an equal basis with the mother. He does not need to wait for the child to start talking or playing chess in order to start communicating with him. It is the establishment of relations with the child, the process of caring for him in the first months of life that determines the final stage of the birth of the Father.

There are three stages in the formation of the paternal sphere :

1) a stereotypical idea of ​​paternity before the wife's pregnancy;

2) rethinking stereotypes during pregnancy;

3) the actual formation of a sense of fatherhood after the birth of a child.

Let's try to look into the family where the child was born. What is the father doing? What is mom doing? Traditionally, the roles of husband and father have been the same for many generations. In recent decades, some confusion has arisen. Modern man is faced with numerous confusion of concepts. He is required to be both strong and soft at the same time. He must work hard, but at the same time put up with the work of his wife. In addition to all that a man traditionally should be able to do and do, in our time it is assumed that he should also be able to change diapers, feed a child, and much more. For many men, it is not entirely clear what their role of husband and father is, and it is not easy for them to play the former role of the breadwinner of the family, also fulfilling maternal responsibilities. However, all this is required of a modern man, and therefore the education of future men and fathers should be based on this. For the sake of justice, it should be noted that some current fathers in caring for a child have become such excellent specialists that they can compete with the most skilled mother.

Unfortunately, adaptation to fatherhood in many personally immature men, not yet begun, immediately ends with the news of pregnancy. The future father can leave, shifting all the problems that arise in connection with the appearance of the child to the future mother, not caring what will happen to his family next. If, due to his beliefs or situation, he cannot leave his family, his dissatisfaction with the appearance of a child can manifest itself in an indifferent attitude towards him, and in the worst case, in harsh authoritarian behavior patterns, a manifestation of violence towards his child.

All this - the history of relationships with one's father, the model of fatherhood of one's own father, cultural, social and family characteristics, physical and mental health - influence men's readiness for fatherhood . Egocentrism, infantilism, sexual promiscuity of a man shows his inability to manifest a paternal attitude.

But every man should think that the opportunity to become a father will allow him to fully realize not only male, but also personal potential . A man directly gives life to a new person and gets a unique opportunity to take care of him, love him, transfer his life experience to him. It is in fatherhood that a man satisfies many of his vital needs. Becoming a Father, a man gets the opportunity to creatively transform himself and the surrounding reality.

For many men, the period of pregnancy of the spouse, the expectation of the birth and, finally, the birth of a child itself can greatly influence the formation of their male maturity. Men seeking to try on a new role as a father have an increased sense of self-esteem, they0005 through the child realize and confirm their male viability . As a result, a man acquires a new personal and social status. He develops a tribal consciousness , a sense of responsibility for his family.

But during this period, men may actualize psychological problems, personal conflicts, in particular, related to their own experience of negative relationships with their father. That is why it is safe to talk about “pregnant dads”. Yes, they also, in their own way, in a manly way, “bear” a child, they take care of their wife, create the best conditions for her, solve the financial problems of the family, help in caring for the baby after his birth, build their own unique relationship with the child , but also remain face to face with their own intrapersonal conflicts. And no one pays attention to them, no one cares, but on the contrary, it requires care and attention from them.

And if most women feel like mothers for the first time during pregnancy, then most men feel like mothers after the birth of a baby, with whom a man does not have such a connection in the prenatal period as a woman. That is why it is so important for the future father to talk to the child before birth. The child hears his gentle voice and perceives it almost better than the voice of the mother. Yes, of course, a woman is more involved in communication with a child before birth and in the first months after childbirth. For her, pregnancy is a period of preparation for communication with the child after his birth, and this preparation takes place through direct physiological changes in the woman's body, changes in her values ​​and priorities during pregnancy, because her whole life is aimed at the well-being and development of the baby in her womb. Thus, maternal feeling, attachment to the child is formed during pregnancy, including through a new bodily experience. And in the father, the formation of attachment to the unborn baby is not associated with new bodily sensations. The period of the wife's pregnancy changes the self-consciousness of the man and results in his acceptance of a new social role.

Psychoanalysts believe that during pregnancy, there are also changes in the emotional sphere of a woman. These changes are manifested in such defensive reactions as: regression, repression, infantilism. These are temporary changes, a protective mechanism that allows you to prepare for such a complex and responsible event as childbirth.

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