Top 10 Things Parents Can Do to Help Kids Get the Best Education
by Becton Loveless
Kids live at school. They spend about 900 to 1,000 hours per year in school, according to the Center for Public Education. While that sounds like a lot, kids in India and China go to school about 25-30% longer, so parents and caregivers need to make sure their kids are getting the best education possible during those hours. Let's take a look at the best ways to help make sure that happens for your kids.
How Can You Help Your Kids Get the Best Education?
1. Participate at Your Kid's School
Get involved. Attend back-to-school nights and parent-teacher conferences, take a volunteer position the school offers, and get to know teachers and other parents. Everyone else is just as busy as you, and your kid takes notice when you care about their education, even if they don't always show it. Visit the school and its website; communication about school with your kid will go smoother if you understand what it's like for them at school. Seeing you around school can boost kids' confidence, too.
2. Make Sure Homework Gets Done
Adults definitely have their work cut out for them with their careers, and the last thing you may want to do is follow-up on your kids' homework -- it's important, though. You also need to support teachers in the homework they give students. They are trying to educate your kids, not give you more work to do, and they can only do so much during the school day.
Check to see what your kids' assignments are and that they're completing them. If you don't, you may not see a problem until it gets much worse. Some things are taught differently these days, and there is advice rolling around that parents shouldn't help their kids do their homework, because they may get it wrong. Instead, ask them how to do the problem or ask them to reread the instructions. If they are confused or don't want to work at it, this often does the trick.
If you really need to help your kids through their homework a little bit because they're not getting it, email the teacher and explain what the problem is. Any teacher will be happy to explain if it means helping a child succeed.
3. Make Sure Your Kid is Ready to Learn When They Get to School
We've heard nutrition plays a key role in learning, but how much? If you have a picky kid who refuses to eat breakfast in favor of birthday party treats at school, or a teen who can't seem to get out of bed on time, we feel for you. Still, as a parent or guardian, you need to make sure your kids get enough sleep, are well-nourished, hydrated, and head to school with the best possible attitude. Here's a few things you can do:
Stick to a regular bedtime
Cut off screen time an hour before bed
Help kids put homework and books in their backpacks the night before
Help kids lay out their clothes for the next day
Give them a nutritious breakfast
Teach Your Kid How to Put Stuff Where It Goes
One of the most valuable skills kids will learn in school is organization. It may sound trivial, but organization is the bedrock for completing projects on time, putting things away where they go, and learning to live in a clean space. Organization is a basic life skill kids will use at school, work, and for the rest of their lives. Your kids aren't going to jump at the chance to learn how to pick up their toys, and teens aren't going to be very excited when you tell them organization is the ticket to success, but it's still your job to instill this ability to help them succeed.
Teach your kids to put things away when they're done with them and organize things like clothes and books for a fast location. This will help them get places on time, arrive ready to go, and establish boundaries and cleanliness values. To understand how organizational skills affect kids later in life, take a look at these business skill sets:
Creating and keeping deadlines
Goal setting and meeting goals
Ah, now it's all making sense! These same skills are being developed at schools, too, and if your child's school isn't developing them, they need to be. You may be surprised what your child is expected to do in the classroom and not expected to do at home. Aligning them can help your child learn boundaries, respect, and manage their time better.
5. Teach Your Child Study Skills That Work
Study skills are so important that kids without them don't make it through. Kids who never learn good study habits may drop out of school altogether, or never make it to college. In a society where one degree means kids make just enough money to survive and support a family, study habits are key.
Here's some examples of study skills that have been proven to work for kids:
Designated study areas
Knowing class expectations
Having a study plan
Willingness to learn
6. Make Sure Your Kid Is At School On Time, Every Day
Your kid can only learn if they are there, ready to listen, in good health. Keep your kids home from school if they're sick or for a very special occasion, but don't let them stay home because they "Don't want to go to school today." They can call in sick when they're adults; now you should support their education by making sure they are there to learn.
7. Allow Your Child to Succeed or Fail on Their Own
Most parents know you can tell kids over and over, but sometimes they just don't learn until they suffer the consequences of not getting homework done, misbehaving in class, or losing an after-school job. Kids need to fail and succeed, and doing something less than perfectly shows them they may have to try harder next time. If they fail, it's the perfect time to step in and guide them toward better study habits, or encourage them to try harder to learn a difficult concept.
8. Practice Discipline, Respect, and Self-respect at Home
Some parents allow kids to do whatever they want at home and then expect teachers to enforce discipline and teach self-respect. Teachers are some of the hardest working people in society -- why make their jobs harder? Discipline isn't easy, but you can look up strategies on the Internet, and kids need to learn self-respect from you as well. Bottom line is, parents should handle most of the disciplinary actions that affect their kids.
9. Know What Your Child is Studying At School
If you don't know what your kid is studying, you can't connect with them about it. Some kids do all their work in school, so you may have to ask them what they're working on. You can email or call up their teachers and ask, too. Either way, being aware of what your child is working on in school means you know what level of ability and knowledge they are at, and what they need some extra help with.
10. Praise and Encourage Your Kids
Even though this is our last point, it's the key to helping your kids get the best education. Kids need to know what they're doing right and what they're doing wrong. Sometimes it seems like all parents do is tell kids what they're doing incorrectly, from dressing to chores to homework (your kid does have chores, right??). Positive reinforcement of the things they do right builds their confidence, helps them succeed, and allows them to navigate school and society with the knowledge that they can do better.
The biggest takeaway is that, as a parent or guardian, you want your child to succeed and have the best education possible. A large part of making that happen is you, and the other important parts are your kid and their teachers and school. Know where your child goes every day and what they do -- then talk with them about it and guide them. They need your guidance, and will respond when you show interest.
Read other K-12 Education Articles
How to Help Your Child Succeed at School - Smarter Living Guides
By Jessica Lahey
Illustrations by Henri Campeã
In the high-pressure, high-stakes game of school, it can be difficult to know which parenting strategies really promote learning. A successful experience in school is not only about report cards. Ideally your child will learn how to learn, retain information, think independently, ask questions and develop an increasing sense of competence. Here are some guidelines for making sure you start on the right foot and keep enthusiasm and momentum high throughout the school year.
There is so much to think about each school year, but above all else, these simple rules can help keep you focused on what’s most important for school success.
Focus on the process, not the product.
Encourage kids to self-advocate.
Keep a long-term perspective.
Maintain a healthy sleep schedule.
Love the child you have, not the child you wish you had.
Compare kids to one another.
Love kids based on their performance.
Value the Process Over the Product
Very young children are naturally driven to learn and explore. They are at the very beginning of their lifelong quest to understand and gain mastery of the world around them. As they reach out, fall and get back up again, they gain a heightened sense of mastery, competence and self-efficacy. Somewhere around kindergarten, however, parents and teachers begin to undermine this process by devaluing the process of learning and replacing it with a mad dash for the end products. Suddenly, the intrinsic motivators of natural curiosity, competence and self-efficacy are less valuable than extrinsic motivators such as stickers, points and grades. Unfortunately, extrinsic motivators undermine kids’ desire to learn over the long term. Want your kid to lose interest in school? Pay them for their A’s and worship at the altar of grades. If you’d instead like your kids to remain curious and hungry for mastery, here are some tips for re-orienting kids’ priorities.
Keep report cards off social media and the refrigerator. We can tell our kids that we value learning all we want, but when we gush over grades and stick them to the refrigerator, we show them that what we value most are the grades. Of course, grades are what most parents are stuck with, even if they are flawed and incomplete indicator of learning as well as what’s known as an “extrinsic motivator,” which has been shown to reduce motivation over the long term, undermine creativity, and encourage cheating. Some schools have moved away from letter-based grades and are using reports focused on mastery- or standards-based evaluations, which can help parents and kids focus on what’s being learned rather a grade. No matter what kind of report your child gets, humble-bragging about it on social media only feeds parental competition, raises the pressure for kids and teaches them that your love and approval is contingent on the content of their report card.
Focus on the process they used to get that grade. When we invest less energy and emotion in the number or letter at the top of the page, we can begin to ask our children questions such as, What did you do to get this grade? Which study techniques worked for you and which ones did not? What are you going to do differently next time?
Look forward, not back. The best question parents can ask when faced with a grade, whether high or low, is: How are you going to use this experience to be better next time? This technique works particularly well for anxious and overly perfectionist kids, because they can get stuck in a negative feedback loop, obsessing wholly on the numbers and grades. Helping them shift their focus back to the process can alleviate that anxiety, particularly when we help them prioritize the aspects of learning they can control.
Model: Talk about your own failures and successes with your kids, showing them that you, too, are invested in the process of learning. If you berate yourself over failures, so will they. If, however, they see you being brave and learning from your mistakes so you can be better next time, so will they.
Value Goals Over Grades
One easy way to invest in process is to set goals, both individually and as a family. Try to do this at the beginning of a new school year, the first of the month, or the beginning of a new season. Keep the discussion light and low-pressure. This process isn’t about getting better grades, it’s about supporting learning as a family.
Everyone (yes, that means parents, too) sets three short-term, achievable goals oriented around tasks and improvements under your control. For example, “I’m going to get all A's this semester” is too broad and too difficult to control. Instead, try “I’m going to ask for help in math more often,” “I will plan one extra help session a week,” or “I will practice my multiplication three extra times this month.”
One of those three goals should be a challenge. We can’t hope to convince our children to be emotionally and intellectually brave unless they see us do the same, so set some goals that get you out of your comfort zone. Take guitar or dance or Spanish lessons, try an activity you have never tried before, or pick up a new hobby. This is, after all, how we expand our cognitive potential and make new connections in our brains that can help us become stronger, smarter and more efficient learners.
A few years ago, one of my sons’ goals was to make a few new friends, a goal that was both challenging and important to him.
Before you set new goals, take the time to assess how everyone did on past goals. Review these goals once a month or once a semester. If you fail to achieve your goals talk about why, and what you plan to do differently next time. If you succeed, celebrate that achievement!
Model: Watching a parent set a scary, ambitious goal and talk about the process of achieving it is the most direct way to teach children that learning and striving to be better are human goals, not just school goals.
Maintain a Long-Term Perspective
Education and parenting are both long-haul endeavors, and improvements don’t happen on a daily basis.
Don’t live in the daily emergency of this homework or this test. Instead, think about where you’d like your child to be in a year or five years in terms of competence and growth. Which is more important to you, that you deliver your child’s forgotten math homework today or that she develops a strategy for not forgetting her math homework tomorrow?
Model: When things go wrong in your own life, talk about them. Keep your focus on doing better next time and your long-term perspective. For example if you mess up at work, frame your discussion around improvement and long-term progress: “Well, this work project did not work out the way I wanted, but I still love what I do and want to be doing something related in five years. Here’s how I plan to learn from this so I can get there.”
Help Them Find Balance
Kids are overscheduled, families are in a constant rush, but a few, strategic pauses in your family’s day can make a huge difference.
Help Kids Create Effective Good Routines
Present mornings, chores and homework time to kids as a problem to be solved together. In a quiet, calm moment, say, “You know, mornings are really hectic around here and it’s hard for everyone to remember to get out the door with everything they need. How do you think we can make mornings easier and happier?”
Kids are more likely to stick with a plan they created themselves. Buy-in happens most often when kids have a hand in creating strategies, and sometimes it’s more important to be functional and efficient than to be right.
Try asking, “What would your ideal morning routine look like?” or “What would a perfect homework day look like for you?” then help them come up with ways to make those visions real.
Help kids operationalize the systems they create. If it’s a planbook, talk about setting intermediary deadlines. If it’s alarms on a virtual calendar, try different sequences of alerts ahead of a due date. Think of your role in this process like that of the training wheels on your kid’s bike. As our children get more sure of their strategies and systems, we can raise the training wheels up until they are no longer needed at all.
Model: Talk about your own systems, when they fail, why they work for you. As I get older, I find I have to write more things down or I will forget them. When I do, I mention this to my kids, and they have even helped me brainstorm ways to get things down on paper before I lose them to the ether.
Encourage Good Study Habits
Ensure quiet time in your home. Multi-tasking is a myth, especially for kids. Shut off the TV, and if they like to play music, studies show that music with lyrics undermines concentration and productivity.
Ask your kids what their perfect homework routine might look like. Help them create that vision. Some kids might want a break after school to blow off pent-up energy, others may want to get the homework done first so they can get on to free play. Let them choose the space, too. Just because you envisioned a central study location in your home when you designed it does not mean it’s going to be their preferred spot.
Limit phones during homework time. Phones are a distraction when they are in the room, even when they are turned off, one study shows. If they are a distraction for adults, with their fully mature executive function skills, they are even more distracting for kids, whose frontal lobes (and the executive function skills that originate there) won’t be fully mature until their mid-20s.
Model: Let kids see you working distraction-free, in an environment that promotes focus. As ever, kids do what we do, not what we say. Work on your projects the way you’d like to see them doing their work.
Plan for Technology Use
Have a plan in place for family tech usage. This can be around minutes, data or context. If you want family dinners and homework to be tech-free zones, agree to that ahead of time. Then sign a tech contract. Some kids respond to the clarity of a signed contract you can point to for reference. Here are some contracts I love, from Juliana Miner, author of “Raising a Screen Smart Kid”and Devorah Heitner, author of “Screenwise. ”
Model: When I ask kids what they’d most like me to convey to their parents at my speaking events, one of comments I hear most often is something like: “If you want us to turn our phones off, or spend less time texting with our friends, then parents should do the same.” When we ask kids to make sacrifices we are not willing to make ourselves, they see us.
More on establishing solid routines
Communication Between School and Home
When students, parents and teachers communicate openly and honestly with each other about what’s happening at home and in the classroom, everyone can stay focused on the learning.
Keep School-Home Lines of Communication Open
The research is clear: Family involvement and positive home-school communication have been associated with improved grades, positive behavior and attitudes about learning, increased participation and increased attendance. Start by finding out how your child’s teacher would like to be contacted, and honor his or her preferences by sticking to that method.
When something comes up, go to the teacher first, and not to the principal. That is unfair to both the principal and the teacher. Besides, the principal most likely was not present in your child’s classroom to witness the events in question, so it puts him or her in an awkward position.
Remember the good moments too. Thank teachers for their efforts on behalf of your child. Thanking teachers lets them know that you respect and appreciate what they do and how they do it. I have an envelope full of these notes accumulated over 20 years of teaching Latin, English and writing, and I often refer back to them when I’m having a bad day or feeling unappreciated. Gratitude matters.
Model: Don’t bash or undermine a teacher in front of the kids. Kids hear what you say about their teachers, and it’s essential to preserve the student-teacher relationship at all costs. It can be confusing for kids when parents say negative things about their teachers, just as it’s upsetting when one parent speaks ill of the other during a separation or divorce.
Starting as early as kindergarten, children need to be encouraged to speak up, tell adults what they need, and stand up to people who are not treating them the way they want to be treated. Self-advocacy is a key part of building a child’s sense of self- efficacy, or the understanding that they have the power to control and change their behavior, motivation and environment.
When your children come to you to complain about how another child or a teacher treated them, ask what they said or did (or what they plan to say or do) to make sure they are heard and understood. Simply asking this question can help children reframe the situation and consider what they can do to effect change themselves.
Expect children to be a part of home-school communication from the first day of elementary school and increase your expectations for their involvement each year until your child is the main conduit of information between home and school. You can provide support, of course, but somewhere around the beginning of middle school, your child should take the lead.
Get support for your efforts to boost their self-advocacy. Let teachers know you are making this shift so they can support your child’s efforts to be more effective in their communication.
Coach your children through talking with teachers about problems and talk through the approaches they can take. You can write scripts or role play if a child is anxious about the discussion. This can actually be a fun way to dispel anxiety and play-act the conversation until your child is comfortable.
If children are facing especially stressful challenges as a result of bullying, special education needs or mental health issues, school counselors can be parents’ greatest ally. Today’s school counselors are mental health professionals who are able to guide students in school and provide referrals as needed to other mental health and academic support professionals in the community. They can even direct parents to low-cost or sliding scale providers if needed, and ensure continuity between school-based services and outside providers.
Model: Talk about how you ask for help and assert yourself even when it makes you nervous. Explain how you make sure your needs are heard and addressed. If you need to talk to your boss about a misunderstanding at work, make your kid a part of a dinnertime discussion about ways you could approach the conversation. We are, after all, our children’s first teachers when it comes to conflict resolution and self-advocacy.
Work With Their Bodies, Not Against Them
As the best learning happens in the context of healthy brains and bodies, here are some ways to ensure kids are ready and able to learn.
The Link Between Sleep and Learning
Sleep is integral to learning and memory consolidation, so prioritize sleep over other activities. If your child isn’t getting to homework until late, think about what else in the family schedule can move to make that a priority. Talk about scheduling before committing to a new extracurricular activity in the first place.
School-age children need 9 to 11 hours of sleep every night in order to be physically and mentally healthy. And teens need 8 to 10 hours of sleep. But studies show that they are getting far less than that. This is partially because of two developmental changes during adolescence:
Sleep phase delay. When teens tell you they simply are not sleepy at night, they are not lying. Due to a shift in their circadian rhythm during adolescence, they get tired later than children and adults. In light of this, the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that high schools start no earlier than 8:30 a.m. to account for teen sleep phase delay and promote teen mental and physical health.
Less awareness of fatigue. Teens are also less likely to feel the effects of their sleep deprivation, which can lead to falling asleep in school or worse, behind the wheel of a car.
Remember, “catching up” on the weekend does not work because it can throw off children’s circadian rhythms further, compounding the problem.
The National Sleep Foundation recommends adolescents try keeping a sleep diary to put the reality of their sleep habits in black and white. It’s hard to claim you are getting enough sleep when the numbers tell a different story.
If your child asks for “just one more hour” for homework or to prepare for a test you can tell them that all other things being equal, an extra hour of sleep will likely be more valuable for memory consolidation than an extra hour of study.
Model: Let kids see you value sleep. Allow the house to get quiet an hour before a reasonable bedtime, put your devices away, pull out a book and keep good sleep habits yourself.
How Kids’ Brains Work
Until fairly recently, scientists believed that because childrens’ brains are done growing by the age of 10, their brains are mature by 10 as well. This could not be further from the truth. Kids’ brains are still developing on a cellular level, in a process that won’t be completed until their mid-20s.
Children’s brains develop in fits and starts, with a first period of massive growth and development between the ages of 1 and 3, and a second during adolescence (between 11 and roughly 25). During these periods of heightened change, their brains are said to be highly “plastic,” meaning they adapt and grow rapidly in response to their environment.
Increased brain plasticity also means increased potential for learning because brain cells morph from their immature, inefficient “gray matter” state to their more mature and efficient “white matter” state, while building up to 100,000 new synapses per second. Brain cells talk to each other via synapses, and it’s a “use it or lose it” situation. The more brain cells talk to each other via these new connections, the greater the brain’s potential to process and learn.
The last part of the brain to mature is the frontal lobe, where organization, time management and all those other executive function skills happen, so be patient. Middle and high school kids can’t possibly manage all the challenges school and society throws at them, so support kids as they try, fail and try again.
Model: Brain power is built through challenge and so-called “desirable difficulties,” learning tasks that lie just a bit beyond our ability level or comfort zone. The more our kids see us take on challenges and learn from our mistakes, the more likely they will be to do the same.
More on child development
Acceptance of a child is the basis of his upbringing
How to raise a child?
Acceptance of a child is the basis of his upbringing
7-12 years old
children in the family
We dream of seeing our children beautiful, smart, successful, happy, while perhaps even determining the fate of the child in one way or another. But as they grow older, our children often do not justify our hopes: the future fashion model is gaining extra pounds, and the future luminary of medicine is not fond of biology. Parents sadly realize that the child does not live up to their expectations.
Non-acceptance of a child
Teachers and psychologists talk and write a lot about non-acceptance. The essence of this phenomenon is that parents try to change their children without accepting them for who they are. Children either interfere with their parents or do not live up to their expectations.
Sometimes rejection is noticeable even without deep analysis. Unwanted children are placed in the care of grandmothers and kindergartens with round-the-clock stay, or the child is “terrorized” for every prank. Such rejection is called unconditional. The essence of this name is that the child will not be accepted by the parents under any circumstances.
Olga gave birth to her daughter Lenochka immediately after graduating from the 11th grade. I passed the exams with a huge belly, didn’t go to the graduation ball, and there was no way to enter the institute. Olga's parents fully provided for their granddaughter and daughter, but they could not physically help, as they worked. A little daughter from birth has become a burden for a young mother. Between feedings and walks, she wept about her fate. As soon as the girl grew up and started going to kindergarten, Olga left for the city, where she started working, rented an apartment and lived a free life. She rarely came home, she hardly saw her daughter. When Lenochka was 7 years old, her grandmother fell seriously ill. Hospitals began, and there was a need for Olga to take her daughter or come to live in the village again. Olga took her daughter, but she was not ready for her classes at school, changing her routine. The daughter tried to study, but not everything worked out, and her mother did not have time to help her daughter. Over time, Lenochka turned into a weak student. Olya also did not pay attention to the appearance of her daughter. They called her a loser and a slob, and the girl responded with aggression. In a conversation with a teacher, Olya admitted that she hates her own daughter.
Rejection is not always obvious. Sometimes rejection manifests itself in emotional rejection:
Replacement of emotional contact with material values. "I don't want to play with you, so I bought you an expensive game console."
Complete lack of control. "Let him do what he wants - I don't care, as long as he was full and healthy."
Cold relations. "I have nothing to talk to you about, you don't deserve to be talked to."
Constant moralizing. "You always do things wrong."
The most veiled form of non-acceptance is conditional acceptance. In this case, the parents accept their child only as long as it meets their requirements. Mom is proud of her daughter's successes, rejoices in victories, but stops communicating with failures, requires more work, scolds for low results, not trying to support and help. Sometimes all the shortcomings of the child are due to poor heredity. The expression "All in the father - the same useless loser" had to be heard by many in various variations. This is a rejection option. Conditionally adopted children live in constant tension to do something wrong, not to live up to expectations. They know that the love of parents directly depends on their success.
Six-year-old Zina says: “I have a sister Tanya, she is 5 years old. Mom loves Tanya more. Tanya is as beautiful and slender as her mother, and I look like my father: plump and ugly. Mom says that if she were like her, she would love me.
Adoption of a child
Having a child is an important step. It is necessary that parents do it consciously, with an understanding of the complexities of motherhood and fatherhood and, of course, responsibility. Fortunately, it is impossible to program the appearance, character and abilities of a child. That is why every person is unique and unrepeatable.
Your child is unique and inimitable! He has his own set of qualities that no one else has. All that is in it is a piece of parents: mom and dad. Already for this you need to love your child and accept all his features. This is the unconditional acceptance of the child.
Unconditional acceptance rules:
I love my child because it is MY child.
I accept the child as he is.
My child is good, although he may sometimes act badly. It's not the child that's bad, it's the act.
I believe that my child has many virtues, the main thing is to find them.
I want him to find himself in life.
The child's life should not correspond to your desires, but to his inclinations, abilities and preferences. By accepting your child, you learn how to interact with him correctly.
Acceptance as the main principle of education
Children do not always behave the way we want. It is important to understand what exactly needs to be changed in communication in order to make it productive.
By accepting any childish behavior, you accept yourself as a parent and educator. Are you satisfied with everything? There is something to think about. Our recommendations will help you.
Look for an approach to the child. First understand what you expect from him, and then combine this with the possibilities of the child. Perhaps the child has a certain type of perception of information, poorly perceiving it by ear, or it is difficult for him to learn a large text at once - he needs step-by-step instructions. Constantly consider its features.
Speak the same language with your child. The child does not understand something because it is poorly explained to him. Learn to speak to children in their language.
Watch your child. People often don't say what they think and hide their emotions. This also applies to children. It is difficult for children to hide their emotions, and when observed, it becomes obvious what the child likes, what causes him negativity, and what frankly hurts.
Give up unrealistic tasks. Is it necessary to torture a child with music lessons if he has no hearing? The answer is obvious. This rule must be respected in all areas of activity. Let go of your own ideas and expectations. What matters is what your child can do, not what you expect.
Education has no time limits. Education does not consist in notations. The educational process takes place constantly - even when the child is not around. Children have the ability to change. With age, the character, appearance, interests and inclinations of the child change. Consider these changes in the process of education.
Set personal boundaries for your child. Unconditional acceptance does not mean permissiveness. Don't give up on your children. The child must understand the limits of his permissibility.
Accept the child as he is, and you will teach him to accept himself. This is very important for his future. An adult who knows his own characteristics, interests, abilities, is more likely to be happy and successful.
What type of education do you use?
We have compiled a test for you that determines the prevailing type of upbringing in your family, and we have also developed some recommendations based on the test results so that your child develops in the most harmonious way.
Take the test
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Parents often have the question: "Why is my child naughty?". And then they begin to compare and complain:
- here are others ...
- but my elder (or younger) is not at all like that ...
- where did we miss him? ..
Why did naughty children not please their parents? As parents, we want our children to be perfect. To do this, we have to make efforts: to control, to repeat the same thing over and over again, to deny them entertainment, to beg, to warn, to threaten and even to punish. Here's the thing: We don't want to stress out raising our kids. It would be more convenient for the child to be controlled like a toy with a remote control.
Obedience often means the absence of negative emotions in children: “good” boys and girls never get angry, they submissively react even to parental aggression. They are taught to "not disturb" their parents and other important people, "not to create problems for them." Growing up in conditions of strict taboos, along with bad emotions, they suppress positive ones. They do not know how to rejoice even at their birthday.
Obedient children, dependent on parental will, put me on guard. In difficult or unusual, non-standard situations, instead of mobilizing their forces, they turn sour, get lost, and succumb to difficulties. In a family, this may not be very noticeable. But when they enter society, they show a very low level of adaptability and survive only in closed communities built on strict discipline or in conditions of complete stagnation, when one day is similar to another. The parenting style models not only the general orientation of the child's personality, but also his degree of obedience.
The authoritarian style , to which not only fathers, but even to a greater extent mothers gravitate today, consists in actively suppressing the will of the child. At first, the child is literally trained, calling it upbringing. That is, they are forced to repeat commands many times until the execution reaches a high speed, so that there is no time to think. The task of education is solved in the same vein: there is no need to reason about what is interesting and what is not, learn everything by heart if you don’t understand.
Democratic style , on the contrary, implies the right to vote and the child's involvement in activities. And although some things are not discussed, because they are not within the scope of the child's responsibility, the main format of communication between the parent and the child is not orders, but a meeting and the distribution of responsibility for everyone.
Case study 1.
Three-year-old Sonya's parents are worried: the girl seems to be thinking poorly. Attempts to talk to her, to explain what and how to do, were almost in vain. The girl looked with her big beautiful eyes and smiled. And then she repeated the last word, as if teasingly. “Tell me, what did mom just say? .. Well!” Silence. “Mom said in Russian that you need to take off your shoes, carefully put them in a corner, then take off your coat. Hang it carefully on a hanger. The instructions were too long and multi-step. I asked my mother: “How can a baby remember all this? She does not understand at all why you are telling her this, you just need to do everything that you are talking about with her. Step by step!" Mom’s answer: “But I had no problems with the older child!”
Children may fail to comply simply because they are unable to remember and understand instructions. Up to 6 years, it is better to show how to do it, and practice with the child. Children have not yet formed voluntary attention and verbal memory, but they remember the sequence of operations. Addressing the child should correspond to his level of understanding and confidence. Never shout across the room, he may simply not understand that it is he who is being asked for something. Don't use the pressure "Why haven't you done this yet?". You do not think that the child will sit on a chair and explain to you why it is difficult for him to understand and fulfill certain requests! It's a huge mistake to compare children. All people are different and very individual.
Case study 2.
The mother of nine-year-old Alexei is worried. It seems to her that he does not always hear when he is addressed. “Checked the hearing - everything is fine. Alyosha is the middle child in the family, but it is because of him that everyone cannot sit down at the table on time. In the morning, he creates a line in the bathroom, hovering over the sink. Forgets to tie her shoelaces on the way to school, risking falling. Even if he speaks sternly and loudly, he can be unperturbed. Nothing affects him. There was never a strong emotion on his face: neither fear nor joy. Mom asks: “Is he healthy? Is this a form of autism, or even schizophrenia, or is it a form of mental retardation? And how to stir up the child? We turned to doctors for help. The survey showed that disobedience was the result of a high intensity of the brain and concentration on the internal solution of complex problems. At the reception, he actively participated in the conversation, showed a very high intelligence, lively reactions. He called chess his favorite game, with pleasure and sensibly told what he had recently read. The most interesting thing is that during the two hours of the conversation Aleksey was not only not tired, but, on the contrary, he was very active and his interest in what was happening was clearly growing. It would seem that mom should be happy, but she was upset: “I need him to obey and, together with other children, fulfill my requirements ...”
Children with high intelligence simply get bored with routine. They can spend hours poring over a difficult task, one that parents are not always up to. Unconsciously, they seek to occupy a "special" position, which irritates family members and contradicts the principle of equality. They do not respond to the increase in tone, feeling that the parents are just trying to push. Should a child be obedient? Maybe we have confused the concepts of "happy", "kind", "loving" with "obedient"? And we also say: “If you are not obedient, you will never be successful!” Does success come from obedience? Parents ask the question: how to raise an obedient and successful child?
I don't understand this opposition at all, as if the disobedient are not successful. And what, success depends on obedience? What is success? Who do we call a successful person? A well-paid job, an expensive car, clothes from famous designers, housing in a prestigious area and a house? Some people think that this is the fulfillment of all desires, others believe that success is a lot of money and freedom, and others - publicity, popularity, so that everyone would envy.
I am convinced that many people think exactly this way, and I am glad that not all of them do. Not everyone wants to be rich, famous or hold a high position. Success cannot come to us, it is we who must reach it! After all, each person determines for himself what success is. Success is, first of all, movement, an element of self-expression, when we enjoy not only the result, but also the process.
Another success means being on time. Do something or not do something. It is possible to have time to stop in time and not offend a person, not to blurt out something superfluous. Have time to ask for forgiveness, have time to visit the sick. Have time to measure seven times, then cut off once. After all, it is important not to save yourself, but to spend it wisely!
When they say to children along with congratulations and wishes: “Listen to your parents”, I always correct: “Do not listen, but listen, listen.” That is, do not obey, but listen to the opinions of adults and experienced people and, analyzing, draw your own conclusions. But parents have to teach this. Otherwise, he will not learn to make decisions on his own, but will wait for someone else to make such a decision.
The remarkable teacher Janusz Korczak wrote: “Polite, obedient, good, comfortable, and there is no thought that he will be internally weak-willed and vitally weak. All modern education is aimed at making the child comfortable, consistently, step by step, striving to lull, suppress, destroy everything that is the will and freedom of the child, the steadfastness of his spirit, the strength of his demands and intentions ... "
An obedient child is pride parents. He will grow up and become an obedient adult. Is it good? Is there a danger behind such upbringing to raise a person who is not responsible for his actions. An obedient child does not perform arbitrary actions, is not responsible for his actions - he only listens to what the elders tell him, and does this not because he considers it necessary, but because being obedient is commendable.
Case study 3.
The girl's mother complains. She went to first grade, but no one wants to be friends with her. “A good, smart, obedient girl,” my mother is surprised. It turns out that the fact is that she likes to raise her hand and inform the teacher: “And Katya has a doll under her desk. And you said that you can’t bring toys to the lesson. ” What is behind the slander? The desire for praise, the desire to be marked by a teacher, the fear of being "naughty", a bad student.
There is such an amazing apt and capacious expression - "miss the chance", "miss the opportunity", "miss the child." Get out of hand, out of sight, out of life. There are no strict rules in education, everything is very individual and depends on the characteristics of our children. The main thing is to listen carefully and look closely at your child. Hints will help:
The more we respect our children, the more chances and opportunities they have to grow up to be respected people.
It is impossible to force a child to realize our plans and dreams - it is better to realize them ourselves. It's never too late. Children will copy either one or the other. Children copy their parents. It makes no sense to scold children for the shortcomings that they adopted from us.
Find out the psychotype of your children, it is stronger than education. Anyone who has two or more children knows this for sure. Even twins have different needs and desires. What one person does not even pay attention to, for another may turn out to be a psychological trauma.
Real life example.
We celebrated the birthday of a five-year-old boy. There were twins among the guests. The great-grandfather of the hero of the occasion took the false jaw out of his mouth, licked it and put it back in. One of the twins laughed, and his brother vomited, then a high temperature rose. These are the different reactions of the "same" children.
Even a newborn baby knows better than a mother whether he is hot or cold, wants to eat, drink or sleep. He just can’t say it, and it’s important for mom to learn to feel it. It is important to give children choice. How much and what to eat, when and how much to walk, what to play. So he learns, gains experience. If possible, do not interfere with getting a negative experience, it is also very important. It is better to insure the child in danger than to intimidate with possible horrors. Care can be manifested in what he cannot take care of himself. It is important not to deprive him of the right to do for himself what he already can and knows how to do. The best way to learn is to do things together. Just tell, share how and what is being done. But if a child receives our attention when he is sick, he will do it more often. It is important to play with him when he is healthy.
We have the right not to know something, we have the right to make mistakes. And children have the same rights. It looks funny when we demonstrate our infallibility. Just because we're older and stronger doesn't mean we're always right. Our ability to stand up for ourselves while taking care of ourselves is a great example to follow. We can teach children by asking them questions. A self-found answer is much more valuable than a suggestion by us. The main condition for the existence of an acceptable relationship is respect for all the originality of possible options.
It is important that parents notice and accept the changes in their children throughout each age of their lives.
Parents should not serve the interests of children. They can help find something important for them, but the decision should always remain with the child.
Parents should treat their children not as the center or periphery of their existence, but to find that golden mean where everyone will be comfortable.
Children should not be the meaning of the life of mother and father, but they need to feel the importance of their existence for their parents.
Parents should avoid both neglect and extreme care in their attitude towards children. Both manifestations reflect unconscious hostility towards children. And children are very sensitive and will definitely react, as a rule, with deviant behavior.
I am approached by both women and men of different ages and with various kinds of problems. But more often, mothers or grandmothers with questions about their children and grandchildren turn out to be at the psychologist's office. Sometimes both mother and grandmother bring an only child. They are sure that all worldly problems lie precisely in it.
Yes, of course, there are also fathers with relationship problems with their children, and there are quite a few of them, but in all my practice I remember two fathers, and both about their daughters. One asked: “Is it possible to continue to beat my daughter when she turns 18 in a week?” Will a girl who was flogged in childhood and adolescence be able to understand her father that he only wanted the best for her? Will she be able to maintain a warm, trusting relationship with her father?
And the second father was extremely worried: “How can I tell my 11-year-old daughter about the menstrual cycle? My wife and I agreed that she was raising a son, and I was raising a daughter. Why should children be raised topsy-turvy? What's stopping you from raising them together? Adults should think more often about what their upbringing is aimed at. What do they achieve by wishing the child happiness? What awaits them in the future?
What makes a person gentle, attentive, caring towards close people? Only harmonious education. And this is mutual understanding with relatives, this is the belief that they will always understand and forgive. A child, in order to develop properly, must feel comfortable with his parents. Do not be afraid of punishment, but strive to avoid bad deeds. And if something happened, be able to explain, ask for advice. In psychology, there is a term "basic trust in the world." This trust is formed in early childhood, and begins to be laid even before birth. What does "basic" mean? The fact that it is the foundation for the development of a child's positive attitude to reality, a sense of security. It is a guarantee that the child perceives the world around him with trust, interest, joy. Many character traits, such as sensitivity, courage, optimism, curiosity, etc., are determined by the presence of this foundation. Unfortunately, too harsh upbringing or overprotection can destroy this “trust in the world” in a child.
Every psychologist knows that children's problems are a screen behind which parents' problems are hidden. Namely, the parent who brings the child is more often the mother. In most cases, women are not satisfied with the relationships that have developed with their spouse during the period of living together or with their closest relatives.
As you know, it is the woman who forms the family microclimate. And if a woman is anxious, frustrated, problematic, she will not let herself, her husband, or children live.
No matter what problem a woman turns to a psychologist — difficulties with a child, betrayal of a spouse, disharmony in relationships with her husband, divorce, troubles at work or health problems — the psychologist, first of all, will work for the development of her personality, will help the process her individuation. Through understanding herself, a woman reveals the resources of femininity and motherhood. Peace comes to her, a sense of humor, self-irony, the desire to care and love, accept and give, create and give. Over time, the desire to patronize, demand, reproach, lecture, grumble, frown will go away. Personal psychotherapy will allow a woman to see her own inner world and, having studied, understand it.
It is important to get rid of internal conflicts, namely: from an excessive sense of duty to everyone, from feelings of guilt, from feelings of resentment, from all these weights and stones that drag the soul of a woman, wife, mother into a swamp, into the abyss, into the abyss. It is necessary to eliminate the source of internal conflict from your life. Everyone knows that what we do not accept in others is what we do not accept in ourselves. And as soon as we begin to part with the hated qualities, we will stop noticing them in others, including our children. And then we begin to slowly understand and justify them. But loving is a process.
This is a very difficult constant process of working on oneself. Few are ready to make such sacrifices even for the sake of their children and their future! Working with a child and not working with his parents at the same time is like heating the stove in the house well, and then opening all the windows and the door. The child is a symbol of the family.
A woman comes with a request: “Fix my child!” Therefore, the most difficult thing for a psychologist is to motivate a woman to undergo her psychotherapy, which becomes a lifeline that helps to swim out and gradually change her life. And the subsequent changes of children, husband, parents, friends, employees - a woman perceives as a miracle.
Although it is so natural, we change only one, faulty, part of the mechanism - and the whole mechanism starts to work flawlessly. This can be explained with an example. Imagine that one organ in your body is sick. It becomes bad for the whole body. And it doesn’t matter what hurts: a tooth, a head, a heart, a finger was cut. The whole person suffers! Right? In the end, it doesn’t matter who is in front of us, what matters is the desire to realize the principle “Love your neighbor as yourself”! In short, do not try to change the child, change your attitude towards him through changes in yourself!
Case study 4.
A 32-year-old woman is visiting. The month of May is in the courtyard, the lady is dressed in a black long dress and a black scarf. Request: “A 10-year-old son is a bully at school: he studies well, but his behavior ... Continuous remarks in the diary. He skips school, steals, fights, climbed on the roof of the house, jumped off and broke his leg. The woman speaks loudly with irritation and anger. To my question about mourning clothes, there was a quiet answer: “The husband is dead,” and the voice became soft and meek.
— How did the son react to the death of his father?
— He was then less than a year old. He only saw his dad in pictures.
— And you have been mourning for more than ten years?!
— This is how I remain faithful to my husband.
How can a child who lives with a half-dead mother feel? With his deviant behavior, he says: “I need a living mother! Alive and happy!” And my mother taught her son that it is easier to love the dead than the living. That's why the boy behaves so extreme. When he jumped off the roof of the garage and broke his leg, his mother did not leave him.
Case study 5.
Mom and son are at the reception. Mom is 46 years old, son is 14, and the boy looks like 10-11 years old. Mom says: “The girls at Pavlik’s school are bullied. They mock that they are small. Yes, our dad is tall, but I'm a little one, probably, he went to me. I ask the boy questions, but the mother is responsible for him.
— May I speak to your son?
— Yes, he is taciturn.
- Maybe I can do it.
- Well, try your luck.
— What is your father's name?
Mom answers: “Pavel Sergeevich, dad will grow up Pavlik beyond his years!”
— What does your grandmother call you?
Mom answers again: “Pavlik_korablik, Pavlik_dumpling. Mom loves all sorts of jokes.
— And what does your son like?
While my mother hesitated, I gave her a piece of paper and a pen.
— I have an important task for you: list everything that your son loves in writing, at least ten positions. You have 10 minutes for this. Write, we will not disturb you.
I set the alarm and sternly asked my mother not to be distracted, but to concentrate on the task. During this time, I managed to talk to the boy in a whisper.
A family of 4 (father, mother, grandmother and boy) live in a two-room apartment. A room of 20 meters belongs to dad and mom. And in a room of 8 meters - a grandmother lives with her grandson. They sleep in the same single bed. When Pavlik was born, my grandmother decided that everyone would be calmer if they slept together.
To all my questions:
— who cleans the room?
— who helps with homework?
- who collects the portfolio?
- who ties the shoelaces?
there was only one answer: “Grandma!”
— Do you want to do everything yourself?
— Yes, very much! But who will let me?
10 minutes passed, the alarm clock rang, and the mother read: “My son loves chocolate, which he can’t, watch TV that ruins his eyesight, and sleep alone in bed when grandma leaves to cook breakfast.”
I managed to convince my mother that her son should have his own place for sleeping, for lessons, for independent living.
— Without you, I won't be able to help your son. Come alone. To my surprise, the woman agreed.
With each meeting, she changed not only psychologically, but also externally. It turned out that her hyper-protective mother has the same apartment in the next entrance, where her husband, the woman's father and Pavel's grandfather live!!!
When Pavel and his mother came two months later, I recognized the boy only by his mother. He grew by 12 centimeters, he was unrecognizable. Paul has his own space. My grandmother moved in with my grandfather. Not only the height has changed, but also the look, calm, confident.
— Do tall girls offend?
— No, I became friends with them!
As soon as everything fell into place, the life of each member of the family and the whole family as a whole returned to normal in an amazing way. The boy was bullied at school because he was bullied at home, because they prevented him from growing up. Making a victim out of their son, parents became rapists, aggressors. And Pavel, who was accustomed to such a pattern, subconsciously provoked the “dyld girls” into bullying. You should have said "thank you" to them. If not for this situation, my mother would not have turned to a psychologist. And the forty-year-old boy Pavlik would sleep with his grandmother or mother in the same bed. "It's so calm for everyone."
And another very important remark, in my opinion: neither grandfather nor father were involved in Pavel's educational process. Grandmother led everything, passing on the experience of dominance to her daughter. And the question arises: is it good, is it right to be an obedient child?
Often parents are faced with the fact that the child becomes simply uncontrollable, everything does the opposite. Any contact with him leads to a scandal. The scandal is followed by punishment, the punishment is followed by mutual insults and loss of trust. These problems grow like a snowball: parents scream, and the child stops hearing calm speech, parents severely punish, the child learns to lie and dodge.
There are parents who, faced with the problems of upbringing, give up on everything: “Do whatever you want. Just don't complain afterwards. It is your life".
There are those who believe that a child needs to be "broken", otherwise he will "sit on his neck", spoil himself. Their word will always, under any circumstances and at any cost, remain the last.
But there are also parents who try to predict every step of their child (who will remain a “baby” up to 20 and 30 years, and sometimes even into old age), to warn, protect, protect from everything. The telepsychologist and wonderful author of books Irina Konstantinovna Semina has a fairy tale-parable “A Bag of Problems”.
Bag of problems
One day a woman came to God. Her back was bent under the weight of a large bag, her head was tilted forward, and her gaze from under her brows was anxious and alert.
— Are you tired, dear woman? the Lord was worried. - Take your burden off your shoulders, sit down, rest.
— Thank you, but I can't sit here, I won't be long, — the woman refused. - Just ask - and immediately back! And then all of a sudden something happened during this time? I will never forgive myself for this!
— Why aren't you ready to forgive yourself?
If something happens to my child. I just came to ask you: Lord, save and save him!
“That's all I do,” the Lord said seriously. Have I given you reason to doubt my concern?
— No, but… There are so many dangers, bad influences, sharp turns in this life! And he has such an age - he wants to try everything, to fit in everywhere, to somehow assert himself in everything. I am very afraid that he will be skidded at the turn, he will hurt himself, and he will be hurt.
“Well, next time he will be more careful, because he will learn the hard way what pain is,” the Lord replied. - It's a very good experience! Why don't you want to let him learn?
— Because I want to save him from this pain! the mother exclaimed passionately. “You see, I always carry a bag of straw with me to spread it where it can fall.
— But it can fall everywhere… — thoughtfully answered the Lord. "You can even fall off your own bed, can't you?"
— Well, yes… But there is such a proverb: “If I knew where to fall, I would spread straws.” So I'm trying to keep him safe.
— And now you want me to cover it with straw on all sides? Good. Look!
And the Lord instantly created a whole heap of straw and threw it into the world. The straw hit right on target: it lay in a ring around the son of that woman, fencing him off from all dangers, from all hardships, from all temptations and temptations, and at the same time from life. The woman saw her son trying to move here and there, pushing the stems apart, getting through the straw, but all in vain: the straw moved with him, ready, if anything, to soften the blow. The son rushed about, tried to break the straw ring, fell into despair, then into a rage. And in the end, he took out matches from somewhere and set fire to the straw. Flames shot up, and the whole picture was instantly covered in smoke.
- Son! the woman screamed. - Son, I'm going to help!
— Would you like to add more straw to the fire? the Lord asked. “Keep in mind: the more straw the parents lay, the stronger the desire to break through it at any cost. If this fails, a person may even begin to burn life.
After all, he won't know what pain is, and what freedom of choice is, too...
— But I can't allow that! the woman sobbed. “My bag of straws will save him!”
“You think it's a bag of straw, but you're wrong,” the Lord replied. “Actually, it’s a Bag of Problems. All the horrors that you imagine, all the fears that live in you, all the fears that you are filled with, are in this bag. Everything you think about and worry about gains strength and grows because you give it energy. That is why your burden is so burdensome, and your back is tired...
— So I shouldn't take care of my son? The woman furrowed her brow in thought. “And this is what you are saying to me, Lord?”
- Take care - as much as you like. This is the mother's business. But you don't have to worry, that's for sure. After all, I also care about him. Let me do my thing too. Just don't bother me! But this, as I understand it, is a matter of faith...
— You know what, Lord? After a moment's thought, the woman spoke up. “Can you give me… matches?”
— Of course. What do you want to do?
“Burn your Bag of Problems,” the woman smiled. “And finally learn to trust you truly.” Fall and rise. Make mistakes and correct mistakes. Gratitude to accept both joy and pain. And give my son the right to do the same.
“That's the right decision,” the Lord smiled. - Nu them, these worries! Burn them all with fire!
“I trust the world, myself and my son,” the woman whispered, looking at how it burned, writhed, crumbled and turned into ashes, her pre-stored straw, her Bag of Problems. And her back was now straight, her head held high, and her eyes clear and clear. - I believe, Lord, that everything that happens is sent down by you - in the name and for the good of ourselves. Now I really believe!
Case study 6.
But the parents of ten-year-old Kirill are worried that it is never clear what the boy thinks about, what he wants. If you ask him for something, he will do it silently. He does not show initiative. Never angry. Mom never heard his loud, effervescent laugh. It was also surprising that even injustice on the part of adults did not cause resistance, disagreement. The girlfriend is jealous: “A miracle, not a child!” And my mother is not comfortable: “He is growing up somehow unhappy. It’s like he’s come to terms with everything beforehand.”
When Kirill was born, the family lived in a communal apartment. Elderly people lived in the neighboring rooms, and my mother treated them too sensitively. But she did not regret the child, she crushed all living reactions. But there are ways to "revive, reanimate" Cyril.
A child with suppressed emotions needs rehabilitation. He needs to be reminded how to experience these emotions, how to be happy, angry, surprised. To do this, you need:
1) so that adults do not go home frowning and tense, as if waiting for the end of the world. If a child does not see how adults laugh, how to learn this? After all, the child simply copies the first reactions from adults;
2) there must be a loyal attitude towards children's noise. Children never think about evil, they just do not succeed. If family members from all sides extinguish the manifestation of feelings in a child, how can he resist a group of adults?
3) there should be no taboo on the expression of negative emotions - anger, indignation, irritation, crying, etc. Under certain circumstances, this is absolutely appropriate behavior. There are even comic games for the development of negative expression: the child is dressed up in the costume of a negative character, and on his behalf he can behave as unbridled as he likes. If you join, the child will be completely free from the fear of being punished. There is also a game of funny “name calls”: all participants throw the ball in a circle, coming up with unusual names for the one to whom the ball flies: “You are cabbage! You are a hat! You are a brick! This is a game of psychological rapprochement. After all, if in the presence of another person we can show strong negative emotions, it means that we are not indifferent to him.
What does it take to re-establish contact with your child?
Sincere, conscious obedience is possible only in a trusting relationship, when the child recognizes that the parent is still better at coping with problems. In contrast to strict, unconditional submission, in a trusting relationship, the child can ask questions that interest him without fear of incurring the wrath of the parent. We should counter-question the child more often, making it clear that the problem can have several solutions, and now you are considering which option to prefer. “What do you think is the best thing to do? Can I count on your help? May I ask you to do this? Can you help me?"
If you want to ask a child about something important, do not shout to him from across the room, but come and hug him. Physical contact is a way of conveying your calm and concerned attitude.
One more rule: to look confidentially into the eyes of a child. If your movements are rough and your gaze is hard, the child will perceive this as a threat, the desire to put psychological pressure on him, and he will perceive the request to do something as an ultimatum.
Your requests will be fulfilled if you do not forget to thank the child for the service rendered and the assignment completed. Warm words will increase in the child the feeling that he is loved and that it is in his power to improve relations. This is worth working for. Moral, psychological encouragement is valued by children much higher than sweets, new toys, etc. If a child breaks out of this pattern, it means that you have not found words or are perceived by the child as a person whose feelings cannot be relied upon, and words cannot be trusted.
The rules are the same for everyone. Show that you are ready for them. Let your child know that you can negotiate with parents.
Attention! If you still decide to punish a child for a particular offense, be consistent. Imagine this situation: the kid poured compote on the table at breakfast. His mother, raising her eyebrows, shook her finger at him and took the cup away. At lunch, the baby repeats the experiment. But mom is in a good mood, she laughs, kisses him. At dinner - the same situation, but the mother loses her temper, kicks the child out of the table, spanks him. What is the result? The kid is offended. He received conflicting information about the correctness of this act. He cannot understand what is his fault.
Here I would like to make one more very important remark. Scolding a child, imagine that this is an adult or even you yourself are in a similar situation. So, you knocked over a cup at a party. Or even she slid to the floor and broke.
What reaction do you expect from others: “It's not scary, it happens to everyone… Good luck! Nonsense, now we will remove it. Now imagine that you will hear the phrase that you say to your child in such cases: “Well, you are open! Hands, perhaps, do not you grow from there? Well, I have grown a pig! Etc.". It's a shame?
But why do we think that children can be offended, but not adults? Don't they have equal rights in this respect? No, not equal. An adult still has a lot of experience, and a child is just learning. And it’s normal that something doesn’t work out for him, something breaks, spills, beats. Think about it.
Psychologists identified four main causes of violations of children's behavior, including their unwillingness to comply with the requirements of adults.
Lack of attention. The child is not getting the amount of attention it needs. Parents often do not have enough time and energy to devote time for games, conversation, activities with a child, but in order to scold or punish, they will always find him.
Dad walks with his two-year-old son. The boy is playing in the sandbox, suddenly takes a handful of sand and throws it at his father. "Do not do that. It is forbidden!" The child laughs and throws again. “Don’t do this, otherwise I’ll ask!” Father raises his voice. The kid repeats again. The father angrily carries out his threat.
Let's try to imagine how the father feels. He is offended, wondering why the child behaves this way. He is also ashamed that other parents walking in the yard saw what his son did and thought that the child was being poorly brought up. And then they saw how he spanked his son, and they thought that he was a bad father. What does the child feel? At first he called dad to play together, but dad was talking to a neighbor. Then he threw sand, and dad immediately stopped talking and turned his attention to him. But instead of laughing together, he yelled and spanked.
Struggle for self-assertion. By disobedience, the child shows his independence, his choice, protests against excessive parental care. This happens when parents try to prevent every step of the child.
Desire for revenge. We sometimes do not notice that one or another of our actions has shaken the baby's faith in us, harmed the trust and purity of our relationships. They promised something and did not fulfill it, they agreed not to tell anyone, but right there on the phone: “But mine is ...” They were unfairly punished, they did not listen to his explanation. And the child begins to act according to the principle "You did me wrong, and I did it to you."
Loss of faith in one's own success. If adults repeat too often to a child that he is stupid, that he has crooked hands, and that in general he will never achieve anything in life, he has no choice but to confirm the opinion that has developed about him with all his behavior. The most important thing is to understand that the child is doing something “wrong” not “to spite you”. His act is caused by good reasons, to understand which is the task of an adult.
"program" failure. How often do we say to our children: “You are already big, so you must ...” And almost immediately: “You are still small, your nose has not grown.” The child does not understand when parents give a double message: “Am I already big or still small?”. It is extremely important to speak with the child the rules by which he should live.
Domestic psychologist Yu.B. Gipenreiter in his wonderful, for many parents, desktop book “Communicate with a Child. How?" recommends to parents the following:
if you are annoyed, then, most likely, disobedience is caused by a struggle for your attention;
if filled with anger, then the child tries to resist your will;
if the behavior of the child offends you, then the hidden reason is revenge;
if you are in the grip of hopelessness and despair, then your child is deeply worried about his failure and trouble.