How much should i play with my child

Special Playtime | Communicating with Your Child | Essentials | Parenting Information

Special playtime is a chance for you to focus on your child’s good behaviors and build a strong, nurturing relationship. You can use the time to actively listen and practice praising, imitating, and describing your child’s behavior. The more you practice the skills, the easier it is to use them in everyday situations.

Toys and Activities for Special Playtime

• Use toys or activities that encourage your child to be creative. Blocks, crayons, and paper are some toys and supplies that allow your child to use his imagination. If a toy moves and plays by itself, it is probably not a good idea to use it during special playtime.
• Use toys and activities that are safe for your child’s age. Child scissors, plastic pots and pans, and large plastic blocks are good choices for young children. Avoid toys with small detachable parts for very young children.
• Use toys and activities that are at the right skill level for your child. With young children, you may want to use larger blocks because they are easier for younger children to hold and put together.
• Make sure you have enough toys so you can play with your child. For example, you might want to have two dolls or trucks for special playtime so that you can easily imitate your child’s behavior.

Tips for Special Playtime

Try to spend at least 5-10 minutes each day playing with your child.
Begin with at least five minutes of special playtime. When parents first start using praise, description, imitation, and active listening, they find that it takes a lot of energy and focus. It is hard to use the skills for more than five minutes. You can increase the amount of time you spend with your child in special playtime as your skill level improves. Other positive time with your child in addition to the special playtime is always good for you and your child. For instance, reading before bed or cuddling when watching a favorite show are also important to building a positive relationship with your child.

Be consistent with special playtime.
Try to make special playtime with your child happen at the same time each day. You and your child will enjoy it more when you choose a time when you can focus on having fun, you are not distracted by other activities, and when the time is predictable. Even if your child has had a bad day, keep the special playtime. This time will give your child the chance to get praise and attention from you for good behavior. It is a great way to show your child that you always love him.

Allow your child to lead the play activity.
Young children are told what to do all day. They have few chances to take the lead. If they are given time each day when they get to know the most about the activity and make the decisions, it will help them feel more independent and build confidence.

Praise your child’s good behaviors.
Let your child know what you like about what she is doing. When you praise behaviors you like, your child will do those behaviors more often. Make the praise specific, so your child knows exactly what you like. Use hugs, high-fives, a pat on the head, or a pat on the back to give more power to your praise. Click here for more information on using praise.

Imitate your child’s behavior.
Copy or mimic things your child does or things she says. Play with the same or a similar toy and attempt to use the toy like your child is using it. When you imitate your child’s behavior, your child will do those behaviors more often. Click here for more information on using imitation.

Describe what your child is doing.
Talk in as much detail as possible about what your child is doing. This is similar to the way a sports reporter or commentator might describe what is going on to someone who can’t see the action. This shows your child you are interested in what she is doing and giving her your full attention. Click here for more information on using descriptions.

Be enthusiastic.
Show your child you are excited to play with him. If you are unsure how to show enthusiasm, think about how your child reacts when he gets a new toy that he really likes. You want to act that way. Enthusiasm lets your child know you are enjoying your time with him. When you have fun, he’ll have fun too.

Reflect your child’s words and emotions.
Reflect or repeat back what your child says. Watch her behavior and reflect what you think she is feeling. When you reflect your child’s words and feelings, you show her you are actively listening and help her understand and deal with her feelings. Click here for more information on active listening.

Limit questions during special playtime.
When you ask your child something and expect a response, you are asking a question. Your child is asked many questions throughout his day like, “How was school, how old are you, and what are you doing over there?” When we ask questions, we lead the conversation. Our questions may also suggest that we are not really paying attention or that we disagree with what our child is doing. For example, asking, “Wouldn’t you rather play with the blocks?” suggests you do not want to play with the toy your child has chosen. Asking “Why are you doing that?” suggests that your child is doing something wrong.

Limit directions during special playtime.
Directions tell your child what to do or guide her activities. Directions can be obvious requests such as “hand me that crayon” or less obvious requests such as “how about using the pink now?” Directions take the lead away from your child. Remember, the child should be in the lead during special playtime. If the child does what you tell her to do, she is not making the decisions about the special playtime activity. And if the child disobeys, conflict may occur. We want special playtime to be positive for the parent and the child.

Limit criticisms during special playtime.
Criticisms show you do not approve of something your child is doing. Criticisms often include words like “No,” “Don’t,” “Stop,” “Quit,” and “Not.” For example, you might say to your child, who is using a blue crayon and describes it as purple: “That’s not blue. You are using a purple crayon.” Criticism can also be much more obvious: “That was a dumb thing to do” or “You sure sound ugly when you whine like that.” If children are criticized often, it can cause self-esteem problems. Criticism does not help to reduce problem behaviors. There are many times during the day when you need to use the words, “Stop,” “No,” and “Don’t.” This is okay. Avoiding these words during special playtime, helps you and your child have time to focus more on the positive.

Ignore minor misbehaviors during special playtime.
Ignore minor challenging behaviors like whining that happen during special playtime. If your child is doing something dangerous or destructive, stop the behavior immediately and use a consequence like distraction or removal of a privilege. Click here for information on Using Discipline and Consequences. Remember that giving attention after any behavior will cause that behavior to happen more often. When you limit the attention you give to your child after misbehaviors, you can decrease the chance it will happen again.

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How much should I play with my child? Not as much as you think...

Many moms are convinced they don’t spend enough time with their kids.  I get that because I often feel the exact same way.  How much should I play with my child?

In fact, there are many times that I don’t want to play with my kids.  Times I crave alone time and silence to read a book or do an activity just for me.

But then, the guilt starts rolling in.

Read: 3 Facts That Made Me Feel Less Guilty About Alone Time As A Mom

What kind of mom doesn’t want to spend as much time with her kids as possible?  They’re only young once, after all…

Let me be the first to raise my hand and say, ME..

We want to feel less guilty.  But sometimes, our kids just get on our last nerve. You need a way to make your kids more self sufficient.

That’s why I recommend you grab these free kid activities right now:

Got them!  Awesome… ready for a needed dose of reality?

Here’s the thing:

Modern Moms are Expected to Play With Their Kids All the Time

And this was simply not the case when we were kids.

Today’s culture has become increasingly kid-centric.  All of our time seems to be spent attending events, shuttling back-and-forth from dance lessons or engaging in “meaningful” family activities.

Many of my mom friends tell me that they get “things done” after their kids go to bed.

That means that after tirelessly working or playing with their kids all day, at 9PM they start paying bills, cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry.

And they are burnt out.

Much more burnt out than our moms were or even our grandmas.

Read: The Reason Why Moms Are So Exhausted

Back in the 1960’s, stay-at-home moms largely left kids to play by themselves while they took care of housework.

According to ABC news, the time women spend on housework has decreased by more than 40 percent in the last four decades.  What’s that time being filled with?

It’s been totally devoted to time with our kids.

I say, victory… but we still carry around that guilt of not having everything together.

We want to be the fun mom with the perfectly spotless house.

Here’s why that’s impossible.

Our culture needs to change

My mom constantly tells me of how I’m a better mom to my kids than she was to me.

This is utterly false, but here’s how she sees it.

She sees me spending time with my kids and playing with them, something that she never had time to do because in the 80’s the culture was more about women working and keeping a clean house.

You know what I see?

When I look at my mothering, I see a chaotic mess.

• the four laundry baskets of laundry sitting in our room waiting to be folded.
• that my son’s pants are way too short for him and I haven’t made time to get him a new winter wardrobe.
• And yesterday afternoon when I gripped the corners of my kitchen counter willing myself not to scream.

The truth is that we have no help.  Let’s look at this way:

Lack of Support for Moms

In elementary school, we used to have a 30-minute recess in the morning and then an hour for lunch and recess.  You know what today’s kids have:

One 15-minute recess before lunch.

That’s it.  When our kids come home, they have so much pent-up energy.  Unlike our parent’s generation, we can’t just let them go outside and blow off some steam.

We’ve been too conditioned by stories of kids disappearing, getting hurt, or taken away by child services for neglect by leaving them to play by themselves.

So instead, we drag our tired selves through the motions of playing with our kids.

But, it’s a charade we can only keep up for so long before we become embittered and angry.

We fiercely love our kids but we are missing that time for ourselves.

Imagine how much different our lives would look if:

• your children could attend high quality pre-school for free like they do in Finland.
• You can send your young kids to the park worry-free just like Dutch moms.

A lot less stressful, yes?

The biggest predictor for a successful kid

But then, we want our kids to be successful when they grow up, right?  That’s why we’re putting ourselves through hell now!

Here’s something to think about:

A study conducted in 2015 showed absolutely no correlation between the amount of times mom spent with their kids and future development.

Absolutely zero.

You know what they did find a correlation between?

They found that the level of a mom’s stress negatively impacted her children.

Stress that comes from juggling working, taking care of the family and finding time to play with our kids – which tell us that this non-stop scheduling and not making ourselves as a priority just isn’t working.

The Solution

It’s time we took the time for ourselves.

And I’m not just talking about the “me-time” that is so often touted such as relaxing baths and reading trash magazines.

Those are all well and good… but I what we really need is a purpose outside our kids.  Something that brings intellectual stimulation, challenge and everything we’ve told ourselves that we don’t need right now.

Because we do need it….so so bad.

This can be:

• volunteering for a cause you’re passionate about
• learning a new skill such as playing the guitar or learning a new language
• Starting your own business
• pursuing something on your bucket list

We just need to pick something.   That one thing.  And go for it.

Because the more our kids see us engaged and happy in life, the more successful they will be.

The next time you feel guilty about not wanting to play with your kids, take a second and evaluate whether you are also pursuing something that challenges you.

If the answer is no, it’s time to find something.

How much time should be spent with a child to make him happy?

We are lying in bed with my six-year-old son, he put his head on my shoulder, We just finished reading the book. He looks at me with his big brown eyes and says: "Mom, I miss you so much when I'm at school. And I dream about how I will come home and we will play.

My heart skips a beat: “I miss you too, baby. And I also really want us to spend more time together.”

We don't really get to be together very often. Because there is a school, friends, circles, plus a younger brother. And my son misses me all the time, and I miss him.

And so, I finish with bedding, kiss him, sit on the sofa and open my diary. Where can I find time for a full-fledged game with my son. Yeah, for example, Saturday ... I can on Saturday. Perhaps I'll take him to the trampoline park, and then we'll have lunch and buy some sweets. My husband has just agreed to take the youngest home for nap time, and I can spend time with the elder in peace. I run back to my son's bedroom, crawl under his side and tell him about my plans. He happily hugs me - of course, he is terribly pleased.

Oh, it's "quality" time with the kids...

The kids are constantly asking their parents to play with them. My sons say the phrase "Mom, play with us" seems to be billions of times a day. And sometimes it's terribly annoying. Especially when I have a mountain of work to do. But children will continue to demand our attention, because this is normal. Because we are the center of the universe and the main example for them. They need our attention just like plants need sunlight. This is their basic need. So it is very important to give full attention to children at least once during the day, but ...

...but I have so much to do!

Moms now have three times more responsibilities than our grandmothers had to do. Society places unimaginable demands on mothers. Yes, we are spinning all day like squirrels in a wheel, only to have time to redo everything.

But even those mothers who do not need to go to the office will say: if you are at home all day and you have two or three children, it is very difficult to give full attention to each of them.

For example, it became much easier for me when I read one study that said: "The quality of time spent with a child does not depend on its quantity."

I really felt better when I realized that how we spend time with our children is much more important than how much time we spend with them.