How long can you keep a foster child

Foster Care and Adoption FAQ's

What is foster care?

Foster care is “out of home” care for children and youth who must be separated from their parents or guardians.  Foster care is a temporary living arrangement.

How do children enter the foster care system?

The majority of children in foster care are victims of abuse and/or neglect.  They are placed in the custody of the local children services agency by law enforcement or through court.  The local children services agency then places the child/ren in a licensed foster home.

How long will a child be placed in foster care?

Children may be in care as briefly as overnight or until age 21.  In Ohio, the average length of stay for children in foster care is 25 months.  Each child’s length of stay in foster care is dependent upon that child’s specific circumstances.

I work full-time, can I be a foster parent?

Yes.  You can work full-time, part-time, or be retired. Foster parents’ financial situations vary widely and are assessed and considered individually.   During the licensing process, you must provide documentation that you are financially stable. Your circumstances will influence the ages and needs of the children considered for placement in your home.  You must have the flexibility to meet the day-to-day needs of the children in your care including the ongoing transportation needs.

Can I be single and be a foster parent?

Yes. You can be single, married, divorced, or have a live-in partner and be a licensed foster parent. Your home situation will be evaulated and considered individually during the homestudy process. A person who is married is required to have their spouse on the license. Your family circumstances will influence the ages and needs of the children considered for placement in your home.  In the state of Ohio, you can only be single or married in order to adopt.

What is a homestudy?

A homestudy is an assessment of your family and home that is required by the state.  Focus on Youth will meet with you in your home to talk about your personal history, family relationships, reasons for wanting to foster, and the support you have available to you.   Focus on Youth will determine whether or not your home is safe and has sufficient space for foster children.  The homestudy is to help you and Focus on Youth arrive at the best possible decision about whether placement of a child in your home will or will not work out and to determine the characteristics of the children whom you are best able to parent.

Will we have a choice to accept or decline a placement?

Yes.  The final decision on whether or not to accept a foster child placement is with the foster parent(s).  A part of the homestudy process is to help evaluate your family’s preferences, strengths, and needs.  You will receive training that will help determine your skills and abilities.  You are encouraged to ask questions about the child’s history and background to help you decide if your home and family can commit to meet the child’s needs.  We will help you make an informed choice based on your ability to commit to meeting the needs of the child.

What happens if my family becomes attached to the foster child and the child is reunited with the birth family?

Since foster care is temporary, most children will be leaving your home to be reunified with birth parent(s) or to live with a relative.   Training will help prepare you for that day but will not take away your sadness of saying goodbye. We will be here to support you through the transitioning home for the child.

Will the foster child visit with their birth family?

Family visits are essential for the child and the family to maintain a sense of belonging and identity.  The length of time and frequency of visits depend on the birth family’s situation.  Visits might be once to twice a week, once a month, twice a month, or never.  Typically children under the age of two have visits twice a week. The visits may be held at the agency or in the child’s birth home.  The visits are mandatory court order visits and usually begin the first week in care. Some visits will be supervised by staff, especially at the beginning of the child’s placement in foster care.  A successful reunification can be encouraged through visitation.

What ages are the children who need foster care?

Children from newborn to 21 are in need of foster homes.   Focus on Youth accepts children of all ages in family foster care and treatment foster care.  There is a special need for families who will foster sibling groups and school aged children, especially teens.

Do children in foster care have behavioral, emotional, or medical needs or learning difficulties?

Yes.  All children in foster care have experienced trauma due to being abused and/or neglected. Caregivers will need to be trained to respond appropriately to a child’s trauma needs. At Focus on Youth, we practice and teach trauma informed care to meet those needs. Through classes on trauma informed care, individuals will learn key aspects to help families heal. In addition to being abused and/or neglected, children entering foster care may have experienced conditions that have affected their development.  Some children may have more severe challenges than others.

Are foster parents permitted to adopt a child who has been placed in their care?

Sometimes.  A large percentage of children in foster care are adopted by their foster parents.   The process to become an adoptive family is similar to becoming a foster family; however, a court must terminate the parental rights of the birth parents before a child may be adopted and before the adoptive process can begin.

What is involved in the process to become a foster parent?

A Family Assessor will visit your home to meet your family and share information.  You should allow 4-6 months to complete the homestudy process.  A homestudy includes, but is not limited to:

• Completed and approved application
• Completed financial statement and supporting financial documents
• An assessment of your home completed by a certified Family Assessor
• 3 favorable references from non-relatives
• A favorable medical statement from a doctor for each family member
• An approved fire inspection completed by your local fire department
• An approved safety audit of the home completed by a certified Family Assessor
• Completed criminal background checks with no disqualifying offenses
• A completed Ohio Central Registry Check on child abuse and neglect
• 36 hours of Pre-Placement Training
• Any additional paperwork required

What kinds of services will be available to me at Focus on Youth?

Focus on Youth is unsurpassed in our quality of services.   Our staff prides itself on being connected to our families to ensure they receive the support they need.  The following is just a portion of what we offer:

• Over 100 years of combined staff experience in foster care and adoption
• A nationally recognized therapy program
• 24/7 crisis intervention
• Foster Parent Advisory Board
• Experienced foster and adoptive parents and family members on staff
• An excellent Training Institute to help parents, professionals, and youth build skills and competencies.

Foster Facts: How Long Can You Foster a Child?

Children are undoubtedly the keys to the future.

And according to a 2018 report, nearly half a half-million of those children live within the foster care system.

Becoming a foster parent can be a rewarding experience. Providing a child with a quality home and loving support can positively impact their life and transform their future.

One of the biggest concerns is often the length of time you’ll be able to spend together after you choose to foster a child.

Below we’ve outlined the options available in the fostering process, so you can decide which is best for your family.

What Is Foster Care?

Foster care is the act of providing a temporary living situation for children and teens whose circumstances prevent them from living with their biological parents. The decision to place a child into foster care can be a personal decision made by the parents or a decision deemed necessary by a child welfare agency through a court of law.

A foster caregiver’s role is to take on the responsibilities of the parent. That is, to provide a safe and supportive home for the child during this time of transition.

Options for placement settings for foster care include the home of a relative, a non-relative foster home, or a group facility. Children may shift between these settings throughout the process to find a suitable placement.

Foster care supports children and their families. A temporary placement allows biological parents the time they need to make necessary changes before they can be reunited with their children.

In any case, the goal is to find a permanent placement for the child in a caring home.

Foster Care Facts

There are various reasons children are placed into the foster care system.

These reasons involve the biological parents going through a crisis in which they are unable or unfit to care for their child. Common reasons include:

• Substance abuse
• Illness
• Neglect
• Physical abuse
• Homelessness
• Death of a primary caregiver

Children of all ages can be removed from their families if the home is deemed unfit. A caseworker then works with the state to place the child in a foster home while preparing them for permanent placement.

How Long Can You Foster a Child?

The amount of time you can foster a child varies, depending on several factors. Each case is individual, as is each child and family. There is no set length of time, as conditions may change due to the parent’s situation.

In some cases, the child may get to return home sooner than initially expected. In others, they will need to stay with a foster family for an unforeseen time.

The main goal of foster care is ultimately to reunite the child with their family once it is safe to do. However, there are options when it comes to the duration of foster care placement.

Short-Term Placement

Short-term placement can mean fostering a child for a single night up to a period lasting weeks or several months. Two years is the maximum length for a short-term placement.

Emergency placement is a form of short-term placement where a child needs an immediate place to stay. It often takes place when the need for foster care arises outside of office hours or on weekends.

If the child is going into kinship care, they may also need temporary placement until a relative can pick them up. If the relative lives out of state, they may need time to make arrangements for traveling long distances.

Short-term placement depends on the reason the child was placed into the foster care system. Sometimes the child’s parents have things they need to get in order before they can regain custody.

These tasks can include the parent seeking out counseling or therapy, taking parenting courses, getting sober, or finding stable employment and housing.

Other times a child may need a temporary foster home until a long-term placement can be found. Statistics show that the average length of stay in the US foster care system is 15.5 months.

When you decide to become a foster parent, it’s important to understand that placement ultimately depends on the child’s needs and wellbeing.

Long-Term Placement

Long-term placement involves placing a child with a foster family for a prolonged period. This period can range anywhere from two years and upward until the child legally reaches the age of adulthood.

This type of placement is based on the length of time and also the style of care provided. In a long-term plan, the child is placed in the care of a foster parent with whom they will remain for the foreseeable future.

Keeping a child long-term offers stability and security to the child’s world, allowing them to form well-established familial bonds they can carry with them into adulthood.

Long-term foster parents benefit from offering support regarding the continuing role of the child’s biological parents in the child’s life.

Foster a Child to Adoption

In some instances, foster carers can adopt or gain legal guardianship of a child who has remained in their long-term care.

When parental custody becomes terminated, the child can legally be available for adoption. But, if the child is of older age, it becomes their choice whether they would like to be adopted.

The process for adoption through foster care can be slow, taking up to several years to complete. To proceed, both the foster parent and child must wish to continue with the adoption process.

If either member changes their mind, the child will remain in foster care until 18 to 21. This range is what they consider “aging out of the system. ” After that, any long-term familial relationship is up to them.

Make a Difference Today

The world of foster parenting can be tricky to navigate, as there is no one-size-fits-all solution. If you would like to foster a child, resources are available to help guide you through the process.

Whether you’re ready to take the next step on your journey or still considering your options, contact us today for more information.

"Child of two families": interaction between foster and biological parents - for the sake of the interests of the child

Quite often, foster children maintain contact with blood relatives. But it is important to build these relationships correctly so as not to inflict new psychological trauma on the child and maintain a harmonious atmosphere in the foster family.

Every child has a family history, his family. The adoptive parent will have to take into account that this fact will always be in the child's life, it's just a part of his fate that you can't cross out. But how to properly build relations between the foster and birth families, whether it is always necessary to do this - the questions are more individual. There are experienced parents who themselves build an interaction strategy, and specialists can help. In any case, everyone agrees on one thing: everything must be done in the name of the child.

Elena Machinskaya

“Nyura was finally happy, and I took the mother’s place in her coordinate system”

. For example, , Elena Machinskaya , foster mother, psychologist of the Arithmetic of Good Foundation, kept in touch with the relatives of all the adopted daughters, who, coincidentally, are called Anyami. A rather difficult story developed with Nyura, who was very much attached to her mother. Nyura ended up in an orphanage at the age of five, her mother left her and said that she would pick her up soon, but did not appear again. For the first year, Nyura stood at the window, not being distracted by any games - she was waiting for her mother. A year later, Nyura came to a lonely foster mother, who really wanted to keep the secret of acceptance and forbade the girl to tell everyone about her childhood, mother. The situation caused the girl a strong internal conflict, this resulted in complex behavior. Two years later, her adoptive mother returned her to custody. “I managed to intercept her, on the day of the return I took her to our family. The girl continued to constantly talk about her mother. Nyura generally believed that she was kidnapped, it was an obsessive thought, despite the constant explanations of both me and the guardianship authorities. Nyura believed that she was specially taken to Moscow from the Rostov region, and her mother was looking for her. I realized that something had to be done, - says Elena Machinskaya. - Any quarrel resulted in demands “Why are you holding me, take me to my mother!”.

Elena easily found Nyura's mother in social networks, the woman already had her own established life - a man, two more children. “She immediately answered my messages, wrote that she was doing well, that she would like to restore her rights. It’s good that I didn’t start talking about Nyura’s conversation, because the woman didn’t begin to restore her parental rights, and then she stopped answering all calls and messages. Nyura continued to hysteria, and I decided to tell her everything, the girl was already 10 years old. Showed all the correspondence, explained. True, Nyura continued to justify her birth mother: “Maybe she got sick or died,” that is, she did not want to believe in such an attitude of her mother. And then she began to tell that her blood mother wrote to her, but this did not happen. “She wanted it to happen so much that she started composing,” Elena says.

Elena Machinskaya decided to find Nyura's relatives, went at random to the area where the girl had once been taken to an orphanage. Guardianship helped to contact her grandmother - at one time the grandmother herself and other relatives of Nyura lost contact with her mother and lost all ends, where and to which foster family the girl was transferred. “On the same day we came to visit them, all Nyura's aunts came, her mother has 4 more sisters. We were gladly received. Nura was happy. She remembered everything - the yard, the places where she played. The meeting turned out to be very warm. But Nyura no longer wanted to look for her mother. She, apparently, already had enough of such an abundance of positive emotions, ”says Elena. Grandmother said that by that time Nyura's mother had already managed to leave those of her children in custody and left. But their father, fortunately, took the children to himself. “Nyura saw that everyone treated her well. And I, finally, took the mother’s place in her coordinate system, integrated into the family, the girl saw that I was well received as her daughter. Then Elena and Nyura visited the family every year, then Nyura began to stay there and visit alone. And this summer, having visited her relatives again, Nyura felt homesick and began to say that she had come back in vain. “She has a very strong attachment to her family. As a result, I offered my grandmother to take the girl into the family. Everyone was happy, we arranged everything very quickly, according to the procedure for restoring blood ties, and in September, Nyura, having left there, already went to a new school. Of course, I miss and love Nyura very much, although she is not simple in character, but I am very attached to her. But I think it's good that she was reunited with her birth family - her grandmother, uncles, aunts, sisters, nephews are there, she feels good there.

It was more difficult with the first Anya. The blood mother often called the girl (Ana was 12 then), but she suffered from alcoholism, she constantly said: “I will pick you up soon, your toys are waiting for you here, crying, you don’t get used to it!”. And the reaction of the child was understandable: “I won’t go to school, why do I need it, I have my own school there, my mother is waiting for me.” It was a wall between us, it could not take root with us, because it constantly “sat on the suitcases”. Mom did nothing to take the girl, and these empty promises tore the child apart. As a result, my mother died, and only after that Anya calmed down, she began to treat me better.

The mother of the third Anya was brought to the hospice together with her daughter. The woman said that there was no one to give the child to. “Anna moved into our family, and for another six months we constantly went to the hospice to her birth mother, that is, we got a smooth transition. Anya has other relatives in Kazakhstan, we are constantly in touch with them,” says Elena.

Galia Bubnova

“In the blood family, there was like a “hole” in place of Veronica. Now the puzzle has come together”

Relationships between blood relatives and adopted children Galiya Bubnova developed in different ways. For example, Galiya developed a negative attitude towards the parents of 4-year-old Sonya, a girl with Down syndrome: “They told everyone that the child died during childbirth. And they came to us and looked at Sonya like a trained dog. They poked a finger: “Oh, does she know how to do that too?”. My husband and I just looked at each other. “We didn’t completely abandon her,” her dad said. Or he said: “In the maternity hospital, they told us that we should give her a name, I suggested calling her Sophia, but she will have to fight in life.” Their behavior read "I want to see what will grow out of this." They showed no interest in the girl and did not want to take her away. As a result, we came to the deprivation of parental rights, but my mother did not come to a single meeting. And the military dad said: “If they extend the contract with me, we won’t take it, and if they don’t extend it, we’ll take it.” The judge was outraged. As a result, the natural parents themselves agreed to the deprivation of their parental rights.”

Grandmother was looking for foster parents for Veronica. Veronika had Down's syndrome and cerebral palsy, Galiya's family rehabilitated her, she began to walk straighter, tantrums were removed, they were taught to use the potty, and at the age of 6 she went to diapers. We began to communicate with the blood mother. “This is where pain and love are felt,” Galiya shared her feelings with her husband. “I specifically clung to her in a conversation. I tell her - "here I am, like a mother ..." “You are not a mother, you are a guardian,” she responded. “No, I'm mom. Mom is the one who hugs at night, kisses the sores, comforts, cares. I felt in her a cocktail of love, bitterness. And when the blood mother found out that Veronichka went not to a correctional, but to a completely ordinary kindergarten, she was surprised. “And after some time we found out that the parents want to take Veronichka away. We were just glad,” says Galiya. The guardianship and escort team worked at a high level. At a general meeting, Galiya asked her blood parents a lot of uncomfortable questions, trying to knock the ground out from under her feet: “After all, there are always fears that they will take the child away and then shove it into some institution, but the girl has already made great progress. It was my child at that time, and I had both anxiety for her and responsibility. But I must say that the guys passed this test with dignity, calmly answered all the tricky questions. In the family, Veronica was the middle daughter, and it clearly felt like a failure, a hole in this place. They obviously needed to really return her to the family. The blood mother later said: “After we announced that we wanted to return Veronica, all the relatives told us: “But we really wanted to take her to our family so that she would not be in the orphanage.” And I answered them: “Where were you 6 years ago when you left me alone with this decision? I had a difficult birth, we were in the hospital, why didn’t you support me then? And I realized that it is very important to support. And I turned out to be the person who supported her, who believed in her, and showed that you can live together with a child.

Galiya believes that Veronica's birth mother showed courage: “After all, it also takes courage to announce her existence to everyone at the age of 7. This is also an act, and it deserves respect.”

“My husband and I do not appropriate children. We love them, but we understand that they are the children of two families. It happens that blood relatives care more about themselves than about children. But I don’t have a negative attitude towards them, after all, in our cases they didn’t mock children, and I can explain to grown-up children why everything happened this way. “I feel sorry for your mothers, because they have lost the main thing - you,” is what I say to my children.

The stories are very different. For example, the blood mother of Angelina, another daughter of Galiya, got out of prison and kept promising to restore her parental rights, but this never happened. “I was afraid of this, because Angelina is a difficult girl, she has just stabilized in the family, and if she was now irritated and then deceived, she would never trust anyone again,” says Galiya.

“I would like blood relatives to at least show interest in them. Previously, the grandmother of older girls came to us and told how they and other grandchildren go to the sea to relax. She didn’t even understand what she was doing – telling her own granddaughters, who live in a strange family, about how they travel south.”

Still, Galiya thinks that it is better when a child stays in the birth family, this is his family (if, of course, there is no danger for the child). “We, apparently, have a destiny - to be guides for our children upon their return to their families. Who are we to be a god and decide whether that woman should be a mother or not? The mission of the adoptive parent is to be prepared for the fact that the child can return to the birth family. I love the child and accept with all his burden. It doesn’t matter if his roots are good or bad, he just needs to know the truth, but it’s still his kind. We must act in the best interests of the children. We accept a child not for ourselves, but to help him. Our role in his fate is unique - and perhaps it is just to be a guide. When I think about Veronica, I smile. Because the child returned to his family, and two families became happy - we and they. My main advice is not to think about yourself, but about what is more important for the child, and then you can’t go wrong.”

Diana Mashkova

“I realized that a child can love two mothers”

Foster mother of many children Diana Mashkova even before she met her middle adopted daughter Dasha, she found out that her middle foster daughter Dasha was in prison that Dasha is texting with her mother and even calls up. “We knew that Dasha (then she was 13 years old) wants to return to her family, and wants to visit her foster family. At that time, we just counted only on the guest mode, and everything suited everyone. But after 2 months, Dasha asked to be taken away from the orphanage, - says Diana Mashkova. - I consulted with psychologists and with the director of the orphanage. He told me that most often, after leaving places of deprivation, parents cannot pick up their children: many cannot cope with their lives. Most often, they write an application to extend the child's stay in an institution for six months, then another, another, and often all this lasts up to 18 years. After talking with the director, I asked Dasha to talk to her birth mother: would she be against Dasha leaving for the family. She did not mind, she said: “Dasha, do what is best for you.”

Of course, it wasn't easy at first. “I had a feeling of jealousy, which escalated against the background of adaptation. This is a difficult process: you try, but you get a lot of aggression in return. Dasha believed that she had betrayed her mother, although her mother allowed her to leave for the family, and she broke down at everyone. But when my mother called, she blossomed all over, called her "mommy." Work on myself helped to cope: I understood that I could not complicate the life of a child with my jealousy. It is the task of an adult to seek balance. A child can and has the right to love two mothers,” says Diana.

Diana met Dasha's mother personally when she was released from prison, a year and a half later. “I offered to meet. She immediately agreed. We decided to discuss what to do next, met on neutral territory. Both were very worried. By the way, in many countries the practice of accompanying such meetings has been adopted: a psychologist is present, everything happens in special social centers. We don't have that much yet. At first we were embarrassed by each other, we could not get to the point. At the same time, Dasha is very similar in appearance to her mother, and I had the feeling that I was talking to someone whom I had known for a long time. Unusual feeling! Dasha's mother eventually began to tell the story of her life, her childhood. There were also difficulties: my mother drank, I had the experience of living in an orphanage ... Everything starts from childhood. I stopped treating her like a person who deliberately created problems for her children. Dasha's mother said that there were no opportunities to pick up her daughter, there was no work. In addition, many parents of our children lack adulthood, maturity, it is difficult for them to navigate in life. We decided that Dasha would stay with us, but communication would be organized - this was Dasha's first condition. We took this into account from the very beginning.” By the way, the history of Diana Mashkova's relationship with Dasha and her mother is described in detail in her book "Alien Children" - the characters have quite recognizable prototypes.

When all this settled down, Dasha's attitude towards her foster parents became better. Worries about where she will live disappeared, feelings of guilt disappeared. The crisis was only at the beginning when her mother returned: for the first two months Dasha skipped school. And then everything stabilized. “It is very important for a child to know that there is no war between birth and foster families,” says Diana Mashkova. - That the blood mother is fine. And he himself was adopted into the family along with his history.

Zoya Ordina

Adoptive parents' fears

Adoptive parents often have prejudices against blood relatives. “When we ask parents in class to pull out pictures that they associate with blood relatives of children, they often pull out negative options - monsters, rapists, murderers ... This is to some extent a stereotypical attitude that demonizes blood relatives, - says Elena Machinskaya, - although in 80 percent of cases these people are not psychopaths or monsters at all, but weak people who could not cope with life circumstances, could not get out of their troubled history, do not have the resource, the opportunity to fight for their future, they rather want to regret and support rather than fear. It is best to transfer teenagers to professional families. The Arithmetic of Good Foundation has a project called Professionally Oriented (Resource) Parents, we are looking for such parents who are ready to accompany teenagers and, among other things, help them communicate with blood relatives. I think such projects should be developed in the regions as well.”

“Adoptive parents need to find a middle ground: not to create a pink unicorn out of blood parents, but also not to humiliate, because this is part of the child’s roots and identity,” says Zoya Ordina , psychologist, Gestalt therapist. - If you switch your negative feeling towards the blood parent from the image of the one who destroyed the life of the child to the image of a weak person who could not cope with something, then anger will be replaced by pity, a softer feeling. “At least, blood parents can be grateful that the child was born, he is alive,” advises Zoya Ordina.

Olga Kozlova

How to talk to a child about his relatives?

Do adoptive parents themselves initiate a conversation about this with the child, ask him about the desire for this interaction? According to Olga Kozlova , a psychologist at the Find a Family Foundation, there is no need to show initiative in this: “The topic of a blood parent is alarming and energy-consuming for both parties, both a child and a foster parent, it hides a lot of different feelings. And it is not always possible for a parent to withstand these feelings. Often this is where the idea is born to talk directly to the child about it. And the child may not be ready - he may have quite acute internal processes associated with finding his place in the new coordinate system. Intervention in these processes can increase anxiety, worsen behavior. It makes sense to observe the child - a signal when it's time to talk about it will definitely come, verbally or non-verbally, directly or indirectly. The task of the parent is to be attentive to these signals - not to miss them and not get scared.

“If the child doesn't talk about this topic, doesn't ask questions, then you can not take the initiative yet. It happens that the adoptive parent himself has high anxiety on this issue - and these fears can be rational (if the blood family is dysfunctional and causes concern) and irrational, when you want to appropriate the child for yourself so that it is completely yours, you want to dismiss the story that was "before". This is anxiety for relationships, fear that the child may not accept a foster family, or it may be a manifestation of care - “there he experienced a lot of terrible things, and now we will start everything from scratch,” notes Zoya Ordina. - And if the adoptive parents are worried about this, then the child, most likely, will notice this and will not express his interest in the topic. Therefore, adoptive parents need to track their own vision of this child's story and their relationship with blood parents. If this part is lived and worked out by them inside themselves, then the child will begin to declare his interest in the topic. In the meantime, you can prepare for the child's questions about his relatives. This works in the same way as in stories of loss, when parents are not ready to talk with the child about the death of relatives, and as a result, the child himself understands that it is better not to touch this topic.

“For example, if this is a child who was abandoned at the maternity hospital, you can tell him: your mother still endured you, 9 months is a long time, she took care of you. She could have different conditions, maybe there was no housing, and so on, but she did everything for you to live. It happens that leaving is the only way to leave your child safe, advises Olesya Desnyanskaya. “Such conversations are not always appropriate, but this is one way to approach this topic if the child is born in the orphan system.” There are things that a child should be protected from, but this needs to be decided individually. Psychologists can help with this.

A lot depends on the age of the child and whether he had contact with his parents before, whether there was a threat to his health and life. If there is no danger and he had contact with blood relatives, you must make it clear that you, the adoptive parents, are ready to communicate on this topic, Diana Mashkova advises: “Because the adopted child himself may be afraid of offending the adoptive parents if he asks about blood or worry about them. There is no question of the threat to the integrity of the foster family. But it is worth noting that the child may feel rejected by the family if he cannot discuss the situation with someone close to him. Therefore, it is important to observe, to see how the child's interaction with blood relatives was built before.

Make it clear that you are ready to talk about this topic. You can ask the child: “Would you like to talk about it? Would you like to know what is happening with them now, how they live? From the reaction of the child, his needs in this matter will be clear. This is more about teenagers, but in the case of kids, it all depends on the history of their life.

Diana Zevina

Mediation and negotiations help to establish relationships

“We work to restore the relationship of children with their biological parents during the stay of children in orphanages. If a child is taken to a foster family, we try to explain to foster parents that communication with biological parents is important for the child, we pass on our methodological manual “The Book of Life,” says Diana Zevina , head of the "Do not spill water" program of the "Our Children" foundation. - We had a case when we supported Lisa, a graduate of one of the Moscow orphanages. She could not raise her son for a number of reasons. The foster parents took the boy under guardianship with the expectation that the birth mother would be deprived of parental rights and they would be able to adopt him. But that did not happen. And since Lisa really wanted to return the child, we helped her to contact and build relationships with foster parents. At first it was not easy, but after meeting the adoptive parents, they met halfway, seeing that the mother really loves her son, worries about him, and she is not to blame for many things that happened to her, since she herself is a graduate of the orphanage. The local foster parent escort service, which now accompanies their communication, provided a great deal of support in this matter. Now Lisa visits her child every 2-3 months and talks to him on the phone. And all the questions concerning the boy, the parents decide together.

When organizing children's communication with their blood relatives at the Our Children foundation, they start by writing paper letters. “We monitor what parents write to their children: you can’t call them to come, this can provoke an escape, you can’t make unrealistic promises or blame for what happened. When we understand that it is possible to move on to the next stage, we offer telephone communication, but first - from the phone of a fund specialist, - says Diana Zevina. - And only after that we connect them directly. At the first meeting, for which we prepare both the child and the parent, a specialist from the foundation is also present, directing and supporting the conversation.”

Tatyana Drobyshevskaya

“In the practice of our foundation, there are cases when foster parents ask for help in resolving detailed issues. And here there can be no identical solutions, everything is very individual, - explains Tatyana Drobyshevskaya , regional manager of the Find a Family Foundation. - It happens that a child has grandparents, and they would like to keep in touch with a child who remembers them and loves them very much. They cannot get custody due to their age or existing diseases, and they are glad that the child is in the family. In this case, the task of a specialist is to help the parties agree on the order of communication, the frequency and duration of meetings, and other similar things. It is a completely different matter - a blood mother, deprived of parental rights, who somehow recognized the child's phone number. He calls him, pours out his feelings, promises mountains of gold and so on. After such an intervention, often the child needs the help of a psychologist to stabilize his emotions. And the mother needs to be explained that if she wants to communicate with the child, then other methods must be chosen so that communication is not harmful.

Olesya Desnyanskaya

“A child may have some memories, experiences of resentment or hopes, especially if he remembers his blood relatives. Adoptive parents have many emotions: fears, jealousy, a sense of competition, concern for the child. And almost always, blood relatives have a lot of emotions: jealousy, guilt, pain, anger. It turns out that 3 realities, 3 spheres of sensations collide. And it is important that these emotions find some way out and at the same time do not harm the child,” explains Olesya Desnyanskaya , coordinator of the Prevention of Social Orphanhood program of the Volunteers to Help Orphans Foundation. The foundation has a special direction - establishing relations between the birth and adoptive families, and there are different ways, including such technology as mediation. The Birth Family Specialist and the Foster Family Specialist work together to build relationships in a way that is safe for the participants. The families supervised by the foundation know that such a service exists and can themselves ask for mediation, or the foundation, on its own initiative, is involved in the process, for example, when it participated in the transfer of a child from a birth family to a foster family.

The effects of mediation and interaction are different. “In general, this is important for the child, because it answers some questions for him, and it is also an opportunity to reconnect with significant adults. And it doesn’t have to be mom and dad, maybe grandma and grandpa, if there were connections that were interrupted for various reasons. Or if a child has adults with whom he establishes good relationships, this increases his stability, and this helps him live his traumatic experience, ”emphasizes Olesya Desnyanskaya.

This can also help a foster family. For example, a child will no longer be torn between a birth and a foster family. He will hear that his mother loves him, does not blame him for being in a foster family, she takes responsibility for the situation that he ended up in an orphanage. It is important for a child to hear that it is not his fault, and that she wishes him well, the specialist explains. You can help foster parents describe the situation, how the child ended up in the orphanage so that it does not destroy the child and removes the feeling of guilt. The child calms down, he understands that he can build relationships in the foster family, he gets rid of illusions, expectations and negative feelings.

Or it may happen that the child is returned to the birth family. While this is rare, mediation can help the birth and adoptive families to safely liaise and discuss the most efficient and environmentally friendly way for the child to gradually transition from one family to another.

There is not always a need for mediation. “It happens that foster parents are calm about this issue and initiate communication themselves, or they do not need intermediaries. Or the children are already teenagers, and they manage on their own. And then the task of the adoptive parent is not to organize this interaction, but to support the child in this desire to communicate, not to be afraid, not to go into a competitive relationship, to take it calmly, - says Olesya Desnyanskaya. - An important task of adoptive parents is not to make this topic taboo, to talk about it calmly. And it is better to speak the truth, accessible to this age, so that it is careful in relation to the child.

Tactics and strategy: how to build interaction

Many parents are afraid that they will provoke the child's desire to see the biological parents, and they see this as a threat to the integrity of their foster family. Experts can help with this.

“Communication with birth parents, as well as assessing the need for this communication, should be organized by a specialist who is not emotionally involved, who has professional skills and knowledge and who will be able to organize everything without harm to the child,” Diana Zevina believes. - For the adoptive parents themselves, this can be very difficult. Yes, and blood parents may react differently, they may not be ready for the meeting. The following situation may arise: adoptive parents will agree to the child's persuasion to meet with blood relatives, get together, come, but they simply will not be allowed on the doorstep. For a child, this is an extremely traumatic situation. Such meetings should be planned in advance and carried out only with the participation of a third party - a specialist.

Of course, it is important to think about security issues. “Not all blood parents are poor single women who simply couldn’t cope with life’s circumstances. There may be different situations - aggressiveness, chemical addictions, involvement in a criminal environment, or cases when a child has a history of violence and abuse in the family. And often foster parents are worried about whether the child will be really safe, whether there will be a threat to the child and the family, ”reminds Olesya Desnyanskaya. Therefore, again, the value of involving specialists is that you can think through security issues and communication formats. Often they start with online communication, this gives a distance. Or it is also useful to establish boundaries and agreements. For example, calls on Friday at 18 pm so that there are no calls at any time. “If blood parents, for example, are in difficult circumstances, they can violate the boundaries of the family, disrupt the schedule, call at any time, and the children react - they can give regression, they can feel sick with excitement, problems in school begin,” the specialist explains. .

It is best to hold such meetings on neutral territory, so it is convenient if it takes place on the site of the foundation. Again, you do not have to give your personal phone numbers, address.

Zoya Ordina recommends not establishing contact at the beginning of the child's adaptation in a foster family, perhaps 2-3 years. Further, this contact can be safe.

Blood relatives can also indulge in provocations, for example, to feed a child with promises, but in the end, he is in limbo, he believes that he will soon return to his family, and this prevents him from getting used to foster parents. Diana Zevina recommends trying to set limits on what cannot be said, what cannot be promised, regulate the time of communication, and the adoptive parent has the right to this, since it is he who is responsible for the child, and not the natural one. But you can not get between the child and the blood parent. But it is possible and necessary to exclude the child’s communication with biological parents if the parents pose an immediate threat to the child: this is both physical harm and requests to come at a time when the child cannot do this on his own.

“There are dangerous moments when blood relatives pull a child onto themselves. It is not always possible to regulate their influence on the child if they are people with addiction. They may not even come to the meeting, or not answer the child’s calls, or, conversely, constantly promise something, says Zoya Ordina. - Blood relatives can betray, and, perhaps, it is also worth carefully talking about this with the child, if his level of development allows, looking for a form of submission. This happens especially often when the housing issue is raised. Therefore, as they say, it is better to spread straws so that a child at the age of 18, applying for housing, does not experience a new rejection and betrayal from the blood family. In general, it is important for a foster parent to talk about situations with a child in order to understand his feelings: is he feeling bad, scared, or maybe he thinks that he is called to return, but he does not understand and accept everything there. Or he may not want to communicate with the biological parent - and then the adoptive parent acts as a buffer, this also happens.

“In the event of provocations by the natural parents, the child finds himself in a very difficult situation, he is torn into two parts. There is no ready-made recipe, but I myself would go into communication with blood parents, it’s definitely not the child’s business to resolve such issues, adults should agree, Diana Mashkova believes. - We will have to explain to relatives that the child is very hard and he feels bad, that he needs to understand where he is and with whom he lives, and only in a safe situation can he learn and develop. Otherwise, he will be between Scylla and Charybdis.”

“If the child is already communicating with the biological parents and this does not cause any visible problems, he is calm, then there is no need to interfere. An important point here is the trust between foster parents and the child. It is possible to ask unobtrusively - just like asking about friends and where they go together, ”recommends Diana Zevina.

Sometimes the very fact of confirming the connection with one's family calms the child, and this does not even entail frequent meetings. “If a child has lived in a foster family for a long time, he may feel affection and warm feelings for his birth parents, but he does not communicate much, because he is already much more connected with foster parents,” says Diana Zevina. Or, for example, such a case: the girl was taken under guardianship at the age of four, she did not know and did not remember her blood parents. When she was fifteen, she was returned to an orphanage. “Our foundation helped her find her birth parents, she met them, found out who her ancestors were, who she looks like. After that, her relationship with her adoptive mother improved. Now she is an adult, but she keeps in touch with her foster family,” says the psychologist.

If there is already communication with the birth family, and the child himself wants it, any confrontation or aggressive intervention by the adoptive parent will have only one effect - the absence of a relationship with the child. “The child will enter the phase of struggle, opposition, war will begin to flare up in the family. Even if he is forbidden to communicate with them, he will still think about them, recalls Diana Mashkova. - Aggression is also possible on the part of blood parents. Therefore, if the meetings do not injure the child, do not interfere. But you have to be aware of what is happening. If this is a small child, then the meetings should take place in the presence of a foster parent, and you can invite a psychologist.

“Whether we like it or not, through a child we become close, because we have one child for two families. Therefore, foster parenthood requires special training, preparation, because you cannot discard everything that was and give the child a new life, says Diana Mashkova. - A child can both love and hate, and desire this meeting, and be afraid of it. But our task is to help the child, and not to amuse our pride or ambitions, so we have to manage our emotions. It remains to be remembered that an adopted child is a child of two families, if, once again, there was no abuse on the other side.

Author - Marina Lepina

Materials prepared with the use of a grant from the President of the Russian Federation, provided by the Presidential Grants Fund

Return injury: is it possible to reduce the sad statistics?

Return trauma: is it possible to reduce the sad statistics?

Returns of children to orphanages continue to occur - and such stories cannot be avoided. But you can at least reduce the percentage of returns. After all, such a situation is an acute trauma for both the child and very often for adoptive parents. Experts, psychologists, adoptive parents are convinced: it is necessary to develop mediation, professional family support, avoid accusations and harassment, and provide support.

According to open data (although exact statistics are not available), 5-6 thousand children are returned to orphanages every year in Russia. 60 percent occurs at the initiative of the parents, another 20 percent - at the initiative of the guardianship authorities, the remaining 20 percent is the desire of the children themselves.

Diana Mashkova, writer, founder of ANO "Azbuka Semey", mother of five children

“About 6 percent of children who end up in families are returned to orphanages - this data was mentioned several years ago, and later it was repeatedly noted that the percentage of returns is growing. And return most often teenagers. Cases are becoming more frequent when families take a small child, the child has grown up, that is, he has spent many years in the family - 9, 10, 11 - but becoming a teenager, he begins to demonstrate difficult behavior, parents can’t cope, ”says Diana Mashkova, writer, founder of ANO Azbuka Semyy, mother of five children.

Moreover, the situation with the return of children to orphanages is not improving, but is even getting worse. But working with this problem is not enough, experts and adoptive parents are convinced. All foster families need more serious professional support.

Alena Sinkevich, psychologist, head of the Close People project of the Volunteers to Help Orphans Charitable Foundation

According to Alena Sinkevich, a psychologist, the head of the "Close People" project of the "Volunteers to Help Orphans" Charitable Foundation, there are typical ages when a foster child can be returned: then expectations were not justified. Then this is the time of the beginning of contact with the school, the school destabilizes the situation, it suddenly turns out that the child cannot study, there is not always inclusion, and so on. And the third age is adolescence, when separation begins, the authority of the family falls and the authority of peers, and sometimes not the best, increases.

Reasons for returns

Wrong risk assessment

As a result, the child shows a lot of behavioral problems that were not obvious. This is a consequence of incorrect calculation of risks. There are also cases of misdiagnosis or underdiagnosis or misestimation of parental resources.

Natalia Mishanina, family psychologist, specialist in the field of family arrangements, author and host of training programs for children, adults and professionals

Parents often do not calculate their strength. A child, especially in adolescence, sometimes says with resentment: “I did not ask to be taken into the family! I didn’t even want to be in this family.” “You need to evaluate your resource, understand “I can or not”, realize that the educational methods and technologies that are used and work on your own blood children do not work with foster children, advises Natalia Mishanina, family psychologist, specialist in the field of family placement, author and host of training programs for children, adults and professionals. – You must also know and understand the history of the child and be ready to accept the child as he is, despite his past and taking into account his past. Be aware of your pedagogical and emotional resources. And, of course, own the technology to really help the child.”

And before your eyes should be a list of specialists who can provide support in various, including crisis situations, especially during the formation of a new family with a foster child.

No resource

It is often possible to observe a discrepancy between family resources and the costs that are needed for a child. These costs are both emotional, and mental, and physical, and financial.

Elena Tumanova, social psychologist, consultant on family arrangements

For example, a grandmother does not pull out a teenager because of her age. She had the strength to raise a baby, she can no longer cope with a teenager, this is a different level of relationship that she cannot give to a child. Or, say, families do not pull a child with deviant behavior. “It happens that a family takes a child who smokes, drinks, steals - but the parents work with him, rehabilitate him, go hiking, come up with something, and they succeed. And it happens that a child grabs a sausage from the refrigerator without asking - and the parents immediately summarize: “We don’t need a thief, it’s not ours,” little things become the end of the world. But this means that the basic competencies of parenting are missing,” says Elena Tumanova, a social psychologist and family counselor.

False expectations

Another major reason is false expectations. “Many adoptive parents, when they take a child, think that if you invest and invest in him, then there will be a return, everything will definitely work out, and he will study well at school, and go to university, and will not smoke or run away from home ... And than stronger, the more idealistic our expectations are, the more difficult it is to accept reality when we encounter it,” notes Diana Mashkova. Blood teenagers do not always please us with good behavior, is it any wonder the complexities of the character of an adopted child who has a difficult fate? This is a child with a difficult childhood experience, with attachment disorders, with severe traumas, and the loss of a family is always a severe trauma, and it is not so easy to overcome this, the expert recalls. There is also an illusion that the child should be complaisant, calm, obedient, that is, comfortable. An ideal image is created. But it does not coincide with reality in the case of a child taken from a children's institution.

“During an interview for training at the SPR, when asked “what do you expect from an adopted child when he will appear in your family?”, you can hear such answers as “joy”, “Love”, “let's have fun together”, “He will be grateful to me,” says Natalia Mishanina. - When you start to pronounce the difficulties that you may encounter, parents sometimes say this: “well, this is definitely not about our family” or “we will choose a normal child for ourselves. ” Unjustified expectations can lead to the return of the child back to the orphanage.

You can often hear from a foster mother: “I have invested a lot in her and I expect gratitude!”. Or we see the expectation of some unthinkable love from a child, but this is wrong, first you need to fill him with love, then later there will be a return. “You need to work with your expectations, ambitions, with the confidence that “I can do anything.” I always say: let's work it out on the shore. What are you expecting? You are waiting for a miraculous click that "clicks", but people wait for years and do not "click". And then adolescence begins, and problems grow like a snowball, ”stresses Natalia Mishanina.

Or parents habitually think that the child will always be small. And then what seemed to be pedagogical neglect turns out to be mental retardation. And you can't fix it.

Adolescence

One of the most common causes. “I came across several facts of returns, and they were teenagers, and everywhere the situation is this: before the child was controllable, it became uncontrollable; used to study, now he has abandoned his studies; runs away from home, tries alcohol and so on. Parents have already experienced emotional exhaustion, - says Diana Mashkova. - In another case, there was a reluctance to accept an "uncomfortable child", the child, according to the parents, should be obedient, comfortable and everywhere follow the parents, the rules of the family, and so on."

But after all, puberty is a difficult age in itself, the child is rebuilt both physically and psychologically, the stage of denial of significant adults, generally any authorities, comes, and this is understandable - this is a necessary moment of separation. The character of the child becomes more difficult, mood swings are frequent, which is affected by the hormonal background, much is associated with age, physiology. “If we are not ready, we do not understand this, then it is difficult to survive the changes - it seems that “genes are to blame”. Well, what happened in the early childhood of the child is superimposed on top, - says Diana Mashkova. “If, while the child was small, parent-child relations were not strengthened, reliable attachment did not arise, then at puberty all this can result in behavioral difficulties, up to addictions. ”

First, as usual, there is a period in the family when everyone wants to like each other, and then adaptation sets in. “The more betrayals and returns in a child’s life, the worse it will be covered every time. He is tormented by guilt, he suffers from the grief of loss, from a sense of distrust, and this is hard. In order for the family to cope, serious competencies of parents are needed, professional psychological support is needed, otherwise the situation will again come to a standstill, says Diana Mashkova. - Our adopted son Gosha also went through a return at one time, because the guardian's expectations did not coincide with what the child could and could not, what role he could or could not play in the family. If people create illusions for themselves, then it’s hard to come to terms with reality.”

Illnesses

There are returns that are associated with the child's illnesses, especially psychiatric illnesses. By law, this gives the guardian a formal justification for returning the child to the orphanage. If a parent accepted a child without a definite diagnosis, and then suddenly new circumstances arose and a severe psychiatric diagnosis was discovered, this may be the basis for a return. “This is a really difficult situation, with some diseases of children, the whole family lives like on a volcano, parents sometimes reach the point that they themselves begin to go crazy. Therefore, you can understand that you would not wish anyone to be in such a situation, - says Diana Mashkova. - But it happens that everything is organized tactlessly, not environmentally friendly in relation to the child. There were cases when the child was not even told that they planned to put him in a psychiatric hospital.

For example, says Diana Mashkova, after school the child was taken into care, then admitted to the hospital, and while he was lying there, the adoptive parents filled out papers on refusal. That is, the boy simply did not return home anymore. “For children, it is always a very tough story. And in general, how then does life in such a family differ from life in an institution where the child is not asked for his opinion in the same way, everything is decided for him in the same way, moved from institution to institution, placed in a hospital without explanation and preparation. These are painful situations."

At the same time, living with children with complex diagnoses, constantly rehabilitating, treating, restoring them is a very difficult job that not everyone can handle. “Being just a parent is not enough here, you also need to be a therapist, master the methods of behavioral therapy and medical assistance,” emphasizes Diana Mashkova.

Poor preparation

As Natalia Mishanina notes, often a parent's motivation for learning is to quickly obtain a certificate and present it in guardianship. And it is necessary that parents delve into the topic, and not study for the sake of pieces of paper. Moreover, it is necessary to study not only the materials of the PDS, but also yourself and your family, you need an assessment of resources, internal psychological stability and personal readiness. “The preparation process should include tasks for self-diagnosis, homework, individual consultations and constant contact with specialists conducting PDS. Unfortunately, such in-depth work is not carried out everywhere. A parent must evaluate their capabilities, take off their rose-colored glasses, deal with their own motivation, the expert says. - And not be guided by the motives of "pity the orphan" or "save the whole world." Quite often, childless families or women who are desperate to have a child or who are unable to bear a child apply to the SPR. This is the trauma of loss, which they are trying to replace with the adoption of the baby. It happens that families who have recently lost their child come to the SPR. There is a substitution, voluntarily or involuntarily grieving parents will compare children. As a result, things are going back. “Not ours”, “not similar”, “not like that”.

Unpreparedness of the family environment

It happens that other children in the family are not ready to accept a child. And even put the conditions "I or he." For example, in one family, an adopted child, growing up, became much more successful than a blood child, and this provoked difficulties. “With difficulty, we managed to avoid a return, we were able to help the family build relationships. Parents took a “friend-brother” from the orphanage for their son, but at first the boys were small, and then they went to school, and in the same class. Blood - more intellectual, and adoptive - more athletic, and his recognition in the team was higher. He won, brought awards, and the other boy was in the shadows. I had to separate them to different schools. The conflict gradually smoothed out,” says Natalia Mishanina.

Or the older generation is not ready to accept the child. “In one family, the grandmother’s opinion was not taken into account, she was against it. As a result, during the day, parents are at work, older children are at school, and a 3-year-old child eventually brought the woman to a pre-infarction state. And the family returned the child to the orphanage,” says Natalia Mishanina.

By the way, in the end it happens that older children themselves write a refusal. The child thinks: “I don’t suit them, they don’t need me, they feel bad with me - it’s better if I leave.” Too much emotional stress.

Family circumstances

A change in family life can affect the situation. For example, the head of a large family loses his job - the mother has to take care of the money. Or someone has a serious illness. Or there is a family crisis. “When threatened, the family drops the ballast - and it usually turns out to be the very difficult foster child,” says Alena Sinkevich.

“For example, a baby with a serious diagnosis was taken into the family. But the meaning of this act of foster parents was not very clear: they did little of it, but they blamed her for all the troubles. And when the mother had a miscarriage, they returned the girl to the institution. At that time, she was 3.5 years old, she had already spent 2 years in the family, ”says the expert.

The child becomes a threat

There are also objective situations. “For example, a child exhibits sexualized behavior, sexual interest or aggression towards children in the family. Further, a split of opinions arises in the family. Mom seems to be able to influence the situation. And other family members say the risk is too great. There are also few specialists who could work with this, this is a common story. And we need help so that parents do not get scared, but know who to go to for help,” says Alena Sinkevich.

It happens that an adopted child begins to threaten the life of a recently born blood baby. There is a dilemma: either take care of a problem child - or save your children. In one of the families, a 3-year-old girl confessed to her parents that a 15-year-old adopted boy makes her do something that is unpleasant for her. “Facts of sexual harassment, exploitation of a child were discovered,” says Elena Tumanova. - The conflict reached the point of calling the police. The head of the family even had a heart attack.” The foster mother advised her what to do: she fell in love with the boy, he needed help, and she did not want to give him up, but her daughter, who was injured, needed to be protected, while her husband was in the hospital ... Moreover, in the village, which tens of kilometers from the settlement, there is not a single crisis center whose specialists could help all family members. who would help the victims of violence? As a result, the child was returned to the orphanage.

External problems

A foster child can do poorly in school, and against the backdrop of claims from the school, the pressure of guardianship, parents can not stand it. “Often at school, teachers do not support either parents or the child himself, who cannot integrate into the school team in any way, does not study well, sometimes teachers simply do not know how to deal with such cases,” Natalia Mishanina notes. - Parents receive criticism, but they themselves cannot cope either. There is pressure from the guardianship authorities.” There is a temptation to quickly get rid of tension and constant conflict, which means - to issue a refund.

Diana Mashkova is convinced that the school should help the family. The teacher, as a professional, can find an approach to the child, help create a safe environment around him, which would help the child to relax and not show his negative behavior. Then the chances of success become greater.

Mistakes in the work of the guardianship authorities and lack of assistance

The lack of responsibility of the guardianship authorities may push the family to return. “A woman came to me for a consultation, ready to take a child. At the same time, she is lonely, she came from another city. She needs a child as a cure for loneliness, - says Natalia Mishanina. - I tried to explain that while she is not ready as a foster parent, she needs at least another six months to build up a resource and feel genuine motivation. But less than two months passed, as guardianship, hastily, offered her a wonderful boy - and even without temporary guardianship, immediately into the family. The woman succumbed to the persuasions of guardianship, relied on the support of the guardianship escort service - they promised.”

Trouble started. The boy skipped school, could not master the program, and guardianship said - he needs to go to school, to circles. Moreover, the child, who has not even passed the adaptation in the family, was immediately assigned to the second grade instead of the first. The child reached psychosis at school. But the main thing during this period is not the school, but the relationship with the foster mother. “As a result, now the boy is being examined in a psychiatric clinic. And guardianship did not even take care to help not only the mother, but also the child. After all, for the last six months he lived with his grandmother, he is waiting for her! And my mother, in turn, has a huge sense of guilt that she put him in the clinic, she cries every day. This is the result of the illiterate work of guardianship employees,” the expert sums up.

Sometimes there is no help at all. “A person would be glad to apply for a psychological respite. But, except for Moscow and St. Petersburg, and some other large cities, we have a very deplorable state in the regions where assistance is provided to foster families. The approach is simple: everyone has their own problems, if you can’t cope, return it. There are no budgets for assistance, there are no specialists,” notes Elena Tumanova.

By the way, sometimes in the parents themselves there is an unwillingness or inability to ask for help, inertia of thinking. “Such parents say: “We don’t need these problems, we didn’t count on it, and we won’t go for help. We don’t want to work with the problem, please take it.” People do not want to change, rebuild their lives,” the expert says.

It is impossible to condemn

It rarely happens that foster parents return a child with a light heart, they also go through mental breakdowns and trials. “Sometimes parents fight to the last, - says Alena Sinkevich. - Families need qualified support, moreover, accessible and informal, so that the family is not afraid to complain. And in these cases, parents hear condemnation, not suggestions for solving the problem.”

Not everyone can cope with the challenges they face. Yes, you need to try to keep the child in the family with all your might. But when all the methods of assistance have already been tested, and the situation is still only getting worse, you need to help competently conduct this parting so as not to cause a serious injury to the child, not to decide everything behind his back, emphasizes Diana Mashkova. In the best case, find a new family for the child, introduce both parties, and accompany this situation of transition with the help of psychologists. “The moment of return should generally occur with the support of a specialist. The earlier the crisis is detected, the easier it is, of course, to save the family, - the expert notes. - But when parents already reach exhaustion, burnout, loss of the meaning of life, their own serious illnesses, the inability to see themselves next to the child - in this situation, the main thing is to correctly transfer the child to another, best of all, professionally trained and very resourceful family, to avoid excessive injury."

Any condemnation is bad. In the event of a return, and this is a difficult situation, condemnation will not help, but will only exacerbate the problems. “Sometimes life really turns into hell,” says Diana Mashkova. “If this is not a period of adaptation, but really the inability to build contact with a child, for example, due to psychiatric disorders, and this is for life, this begins to destroy life within the family ". A sense of guilt already lives in people who are faced with the situation of the return of a child, the return is a trauma for both the child and the family.

At the same time, situations of cruel, tactless attitude towards a child, lack of attention to his feelings and experiences are completely different stories. “You can’t just throw a child into the hell of another institution, this is the creation of a new severe trauma for the child’s psyche,” says Diana Mashkova.

Natalia Mishanina gives an example of a foster family caught in a difficult situation. The child suffered from a mental illness - her mother had schizophrenic manifestations. The psychiatrist confirmed the clinical picture. It so happened that after the death of her mother, the girl’s father got drunk, and she, while still small, actually also assumed the obligations of an adult, helped her dad, pulled him out of trouble. When guardianship paid attention to the life of the child, she was 9years. Her own aunt and uncle adopted the girl into the family. Foster parents were warned and asked to evaluate their resources. “When the child was 12 years old, the problems associated with the transition to adolescence were added. At one time, the girl's mother left home, wandered, and the girl began to have the same symptoms. Both psychologists and guardianship authorities said that foster parents should not have any fault in the event of the return of the girl, these are objective circumstances for the return of the child. But still, the foster mother, the sister of the girl's father, considered it her moral duty to leave the child with her, could not refuse her niece. Although her husband believed that “the state will bring up, we didn’t have her - and we don’t need to,” says the psychologist. “Work is underway with the family, the girl remains in the family for now.” This story is an illustration of the fact when the foster family is not to blame: people do everything possible to keep the child in the family and help him. And adoptive parents should not feel shame or guilt, they have nothing to blame in this case.

Each situation is unique, it is impossible to find one solution to the problem or create a certain standard or protocol for solving the problem. It is necessary to approach each case with a microscope, there are many psychotherapeutic layers.

Elena Tumanova recalls that in about 70 percent of cases, parents who are ready to return the child have already tried everything by this moment: “They are burnt out, they got post-traumatic disorder, they have mental burnout, they have depressive symptoms. They themselves need help, a psychologist or a psychiatrist, not condemnation.”

But there are other cases. For example, one foster mother, with inflated requests, returned the girl. The girl did everything in accordance with her age, developed as expected. But the mother believed that the child did not correspond to her “level”, because everything in the family was of the highest standard. A 3-year-old child cannot write. “Apparently they have low intelligence. Give it to some milkmaids. And she is ungrateful! I'm used to the fact that before going to bed the nanny brings the child, and I tell her "good night" and wait for an answer, and she says "no." Imagine what a pig I warmed in my house! “This story struck me, I had never heard such cynicism before. There was neither grief nor worries in this woman, the child was returned as a disliked thing. But, fortunately, such people are rare,” says Elena Tumanova.

Burden of grief and trauma

Such situations are always traumatic for a child. But there are children who are returned several times. Such a child lives with the feeling that no one needs him, no need to try, and you can slide down the slope and not worry too much about your life. At first, he is not needed by blood parents, then by adoptive parents - this is a burden of grief and trauma. The return has a tremendous impact on the child's psyche, and a lot of work needs to be done with such children. Among experienced adoptive parents who have already adopted children many times, they study a lot, return children are considered one of the most difficult categories.

“When a child enters a foster family, he already has experience of deprivation and trauma. The foster parents tell him: “Now we will protect you. Trust us." And the word "forever" sounds. And rightly so, it is necessary that the child can trust. After all, without trust, he cannot stop worrying, and against the background of anxiety, he cannot learn, and so on. Parents inspire him that he can relax, - Alena Sinkevich explains. -Then they bring it back. And next time he doesn't believe. He understands that it is necessary to believe only in himself. And he is constantly under stress and high anxiety. He is in worse condition than he was before the first foster family.”

“My two adopted daughters had a history of relapse, and I know what it is,” says Elena Tumanova. - The return child will be extremely traumatized, with a psyche that is severely damaged, who will not trust, who will constantly check the family for lice, for strength, will not be introduced into the family and accept its rules. Such a child did not have the opportunity to build long-term trusting relationships. First - a blood family with problems, then a hospital, there is a nanny or a doctor, whom the child may have fallen in love with in these two weeks, then an orphanage, then an orphanage. And if the orphanage is suddenly closed, downsized, the child is sent to another institution. And so on. That is, every time he became attached to someone - and this was followed by a break. Then there is the adoptive mother. The child hopes that everything will change, but now the mother is there! And when the foster mother also refuses, the child’s psyche completely collapses. Nobody needs me in this life, he thinks. - No one warmed me or saved me, I'm on my own. So, I will not obey, grow to someone, I will not love anyone, I will be on my own. They have a hard fate, they have forgotten how to love and believe, so it happens that they manipulate, lie, steal.”

Why do the children themselves, having already experienced the return, again agree to go to the family? For different reasons. Perhaps the children who have memories of their good birth family hope that this happiness, this warmth that was once there will still be repeated, Alena Sinkevich explains, and go to a new and new family. And if the child did not have the experience of living in a family, he thinks that the family is a place where everything is possible. And it is a surprise for him when there are more requirements in the family than in the orphanage. That is, the child is led by hope or ignorance.

“If you manage to observe the ritual of parting – discuss the situation with the child (and more often these are teenagers), keep him informed, introduce him to the family that is ready to accept him, accompany this transition, then maintain relations until the child needs it – this is much better, than just return,” says Diana Mashkova.

By the way, when a child returns to an orphanage, he also faces humiliation, bullying, says Natalia Mishanina: “At first, peers rot the child because the foster family chose him. Then - for the fact that he was returned. He is a loser in the eyes of his peers, he turns into a whipping boy.

They are afraid to take such children, not without reason. There may be distrust, manipulation, theft, rejection behavior, acts of spite. “If you tell them to dress warmer in winter, the child will wear sandals. You explain that you can’t meet strangers on the Internet - but the girl registers on the same evening on a sexual dating site. As a result, in our house there was a ban for everyone on the word “no,” says Elena Tumanova. - “You can’t play with matches in the house” - a fire will be lit in the room. The daughter really out of spite lit a fire in the room, however, she herself was frightened and quickly extinguished.

But often adoptive parents underestimate themselves. They think: “Well, we are hoo, I have a psychological or pedagogical education, I can handle it.” But 10 percent depends on education, and the rest depends on the psyche. “No matter how brilliant education is, it does not mean that you will not become depressed in a long-term stressful situation. And in the end, despite the warnings of experts that the child is not easy, such parents return him in a few months, ”emphasizes Elena Tumanova, who observed such cases.

Need support and mediation

There is little help, especially in the regions, and there are few specialists who have nowhere to study. “Everything needs to be decided at the state level. There are not enough forces of funds in this area of ​​assistance, - says Alena Sinkevich. - And the approach itself should not be punishing, but helping. Judgment provokes denial, when parents are told, “You are bad parents,” they will eventually respond, “Oh, right? Well, look for the good ones." Or there is pressure on the family when the guardianship authorities say: “If you can’t cope with this child, then give everyone away.” This is even a kind of blackmail, manipulation, illogical actions of the guardianship authorities. Professional accompaniment should be aimed at support and assistance.”

According to Elena Tumanova, returns can be prevented in 50 percent of cases, but not more - not all parents can cope with such a test. But you need to get rid of the attitude of punishment and fear. Threats provoke. The parent is in a state of burnout, you can’t cope, you don’t know what to grab onto, and then guardianship threatens, scares, fines, claims from the school or from the KDN appear. As a result, the parent feels like a hunted animal and signs the return. “The problem is that no one taught guardianship employees to help: it’s easier for them to offer the parent to return the child, because they themselves have no experience in raising foster children, they don’t know how it happens. But on the other hand, they know that they are responsible, and they are afraid, they think in the category of “what if something happens,” says Elena Tumanova. Parent bullying is a huge problem. Until the approach to organizing assistance and support for foster families changes, even at the stage of getting a child into a family and beyond, we will not be able to change the statistics of returns.”

Diana Mashkova reminds that in order to take a returning child, you need to have a high professionalism of the adoptive parent and the experience of a therapist - a parental role alone will not be enough: “If a professional parent takes this step to rehabilitate a child, build a reliable relationship step by step, he understands how it is done in terms of psychology and has more resources, then there is a good chance to cope. ”

Now there are returns of teenagers who were once taken as babies. And this is natural: at that time there were not even schools for foster parents. The SPR must be of high quality. Sometimes it is also worth going through family and personal therapy. “It helps to work through one's own traumas, rebuild the models of relationships, attachments. And experienced parents are aware of this,” notes Diana Mashkova. Parents generally cannot stop developing, the child, coming to the family, sets new complex tasks, therefore, it is necessary to constantly improve competencies, as well as seek and receive support, both from specialists and from relatives.

It is also necessary to prepare orphans for families - not on paper, but in practice. “Often a child comes to a family with his own unrealistic ideas, and sometimes for an orphan child life in a family is generally a mystery, like flying into space without preparation. Therefore, we need not formal, but real work with children on family arrangements. We need a new approach - the selection of a family for a child, and not vice versa," Diana Mashkova is convinced.

Now the parent has completed the PDS and then goes to “choose a child”. But this is wrong. It is necessary to prepare a child for a specific family, and a family for a specific child. “Ideally, you need to select a child and a family in such a way that the resources of the family are taken into account, so that there is a match in characters, psychological characteristics, and so on. For a specific child, a specific family is needed, - Natalia Mishanina explains. - Suppose we, psychologists, working with foster parents, know that a particular mother will not be able to raise two, and the other will not be able to cope with a boy, and so on. Without taking into account such features, you can make a lot of mistakes. You need to know everything about the parent and everything about the child.”

Mediation can also help – in matters of building relationships with the school, with other institutions where the child encounters difficulties. Thanks to painstaking work with families, it is often possible to prevent returns. A woman came to the consultation with a teenage girl, says Natalia Mishanina. “I can’t keep a relationship with her,” the adoptive mother said. The girl was taken into the family at the age of 9. At first everything was fine, and then the girl began to grow up, theft and lies began. Attachment in the family was not formed, the child also could not stand it, there was a question of return. “We suggested that mom not solve the problem radically. They also offered to connect to work and guardianship. And the guardians showed wisdom: with common efforts, we began to intensively look for another family for the girl - and we found it! says the psychologist. - Several times we held general meetings, in which the foster mother, the girl and the new family participated. After the transfer of the child to a new foster family, it was decided to keep contact so that the transition would be gradual and calm for everyone.

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