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Gay Men: How to Have a Biological Child

June 13, 2022

Gay men face more challenges in becoming parents than any other group, both biological and financial. The good news is that there are ways to overcome many of these barriers.

According to a report from the UCLA School of Law’s Williams Institute, estimates that there are 28,000 same-sex male couples in the U.S. who are raising children, biological or adopted. Here are some basics to help gay men understand how they can have a biological child through surrogacy.

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In order to have a biological child, a gay man needs a female surrogate who will carry the baby. In traditional surrogacy, the surrogate is inseminated with the man’s sperm and is the biological mother of the child. In gestational surrogacy, donor eggs from another female are fertilized with the man’s sperm in the embryology lab. The resulting embryos are then transferred to the surrogate’s uterus. This process is called in vitro fertilization, or IVF, treatment. If one or more embryos implant, she will become pregnant and will carry the baby to term. Both the egg donor and the gestational surrogate have to be prepared with fertility drugs for treatment. The gestational surrogate is not biologically related to the child she carries.

Laws about surrogacy vary greatly from state to state. Surrogacy is not allowed in some states, so you would have to go out of state to find a surrogate if you live in one of those. Some states mandate that the egg donor and the surrogate must be different women. Many fertility centers have relationships with egg donors and surrogacy agencies. WIN Specialty Services supports those who pursue surrogacy, referring prospective parents to one of several experienced and credentialed surrogacy agencies in our network.

It’s important to consult an attorney who is experienced in reproductive law to find out about this and about the legal definition of “parent” in your state. Does the surrogate have any rights in the child? Is your partner legally a parent if you are married, but he is not biologically related to the child? Do you need to have legal agreements with the surrogate and the egg donor? It’s good to sort out these issues before you pursue being a biological parent. RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association, has a number of resources on surrogacy and the legal issues involved, which are available on their website. WIN helps intended parents navigate these legal questions by providing access to legal counsel specializing in third-party reproduction, as well as social workers and counselors for additional support.

Any man who plans to participate in insemination or IVF has to undergo FDA-mandated screening in an andrology laboratory to make sure his sperm are healthy and that he isn’t infected with any STDs. The sperm test will also help determine the quality and quantity of his sperm and whether additional procedures like intracellular sperm injection (ICSI) will be needed to fertilize the egg.

What if both of you want to contribute to your children’s genes? Some labs will allow each of you to provide sperm and will use your sperm to fertilize separate batches of eggs from the donor. That way, if twins are born, they will be biological half-siblings. In this scenario DNA testing may be necessary to determine which partner is the biological parent if a single child is born. Or a gay couple may decide to have their first child with one partner’s sperm and use the same egg donor and the other partner’s sperm for a second child at a later time.

The costs of having a child with a surrogate include the surrogate’s fee, the cost of fertility drugs and IVF treatment for the surrogate, the donor’s compensation, fertility drugs and treatment. The cost of medical care for the surrogate through pregnancy and delivery may not be covered by your insurance, in which case you will need to purchase coverage for the surrogate. That’s another area to investigate as you make your plans. The total cost of surrogacy may range from $100,000-$200,000. Despite these expenses, growing numbers of gay men are investing to have a biological child.

Some people find surrogates in another country through medical tourism in an attempt to lower the cost. There are many dangers to this, including legal issues with surrogacy in some countries and with the quality of medical care. India, which was a major hub for surrogacy, has banned commercial surrogacy (paying a woman to bear your child) for foreign visitors, on the grounds that the practice exploited poor, illiterate women. Thailand has also banned it for foreign visitors, and China has banned it entirely.  The war in the Ukraine has put many commercial surrogates and the children they are carrying in danger.  If you are considering medical tourism for surrogacy, do your homework carefully. If something looks too good to be true, it probably is.

WINFertility’s surrogacy program offers same sex couples, as well as patients who cannot conceive or carry a pregnancy, the opportunity to build their family through surrogacy. Our specialty care associates can direct intended parents to one of the several credentialed surrogacy agencies in our network.

Stories of gay couples who give birth and raise children in Russia

Bulat

Mira's dad (3 years old)

I've been openly gay since 2011. I live in Novosibirsk with my boyfriend Artem - we met after the birth of my daughter Mira. Together with Artem, they created a business for the production of sexy clothes for men, the category is called “gay fetish”. We sell shorts, wrestling overalls and accessories. In addition, I organized my own marketing agency.

I had a desire to have a child in the background for many years, but I did not try to find any option. One day, two acquaintances contacted me, with whom we often crossed paths at some events. They offered me to become the father of a joint child.

I didn't think for long - I agreed almost immediately. I make decisions easily. I am also sure that in my life everything will always be fine, and everything that happens is for the better.

The gender of the child is not important to me: I would be equally happy with both a boy and a girl. Perhaps there was a slight preponderance towards the boy, but without hysterical expectation and crazy fantasies.

On the morning of the day my daughter was born, I was returning from a business trip. A call from Natasha, Mira's mother, caught me at the airport: she said that the waters had broken. I thought how great it was that my daughter was waiting for me.

I actively participated in the choice of the name. Everyone understood that with such a dad, the daughter would get a somewhat Eastern Tatar-Altai appearance, and it would be useless to call her Sveta or Lena. It is profitable to be a person who is different from others - I speak as an expert in the field of marketing. As a result, we chose from two options. Natasha, the mother of my daughter, wanted to name her Damira to the last. But when Mira was born, she said: “I took her in my arms and thought: well, what kind of Damira? She is Mira!”

We see Mira twice a week. Her mother and I didn't have to invent anything: we live in the format of divorced parents. Many people from the outside perceive us in this way - as a divorced couple who managed to maintain friendly relations. For example, Natasha at work was told how great it is that she communicates so warmly with her ex-husband.

In the first year of her life, Mira had two mothers and a father. Then Natasha and Ksyusha broke up, but they managed to maintain friendly relations, and now we all communicate and educate Mira. Now she has a mom and dad, as well as Ksyusha and Tema.

Deciding to have a baby, Natasha and Ksyusha were looking not for a donor, but for a dad, because they understand the importance of raising both parents. In raising Mira, I follow a more strict line, traditional for my father, explain to her what “need” is and why it is often more important than “I want”. One of the parents must set the boundaries of behavior for the child.

I don't try to give my child my last name - for me it's a formality. It is enough that she bears my middle name: Mira Bulatovna. Artem, my boyfriend, sometimes calls her "mini-Bulatovna" - she is in many ways similar to me, not only externally, but also in character. Character, of course, is not transmitted through chromosomes or spermatozoa. It's just that she grows up in the same conditions in which I grew up: in an atmosphere of love, acceptance and support. I love Mira very much and I try to convey to her the warmth that my parents gave me. I squeeze her, kiss her on the cheeks, tell her how beautiful and priceless she is.

If the lifestyle of parents influenced the sexual orientation of the child, I would be heterosexual, because my mother and father lived in peace, friendship and love all my childhood and still live - what is not an example to follow? In itself, the definition of propaganda is a cliche that is created by poorly educated people, and they are supported by those who are embarrassed to admit their own homosexual orientation, so it is more convenient for them to say that they were propagandized, so they became gay or lesbian.

Marina and Lena

mother Gordeya (1 year old)

We met on VKontakte. Both were in a relationship at that time. At first they met secretly, and one fine day, February 14, they simply began to live together.

For a while I couldn't figure out if I really wanted a child or if my parents convinced me that they needed a grandson. When I told Lena about my desire, she doubted to the last. We weighed everything for a long time and in the end decided that we would divide parental responsibilities in half. Lena is not going to give birth - she cannot imagine herself pregnant and is a little afraid of all this.

If there was a suitable person in our environment who wanted a child, we would not go to the sperm bank. We even had a candidate, but he refused: it was important for him that the child lived with both parents.

It turned out to be difficult to find a doctor who would not try to make money on a situation where you do not have a man to conceive by prescribing a lot of unnecessary examinations. Fortunately, friends advised us a good understanding doctor.

When we came to choose a donor, we were given plates with height, weight, zodiac signs, professions, education, eye and hair color, descriptions of the candidates' appearance. We took a sign, sat in different corners and marked the applicants we liked there. Three matched. Then we were shown children's photographs of these donors - quickly, apparently, so that we would not remember them. They should show photos of only one applicant, but we asked to be shown three of them quickly. Here, one has already been definitely chosen, because he is very similar to me in childhood. He had the last dose left - a popular donor. Fortunately, everything came together successfully, it worked the first time.

Lena attended Gordyusha's birth. Without her, I would not have coped, she literally gave birth with me. According to the contract, only a legal husband could enter the ward - not even a civil one - but, fortunately, they made an exception for us.

We often hear that a boy needs a male upbringing. For this, we have a godfather. Now, however, he cannot take an active part in the upbringing of Gordyusha: he has a family and a child. But we hope that when Gordyusha grows up, we will be able to visit the godfather more often. We also have a grandfather and many friends, so I think we will sort out the male communication somehow.

Proud is still small and has not started talking, but we would like him to call us Mama Marina and Mama Lena. Of course, if it is more comfortable for him to address by name, we will accept it. As for me, no matter who asks, I say that Lena is Gordey's mother. Someone has to explain. For example, in hospitals they often do not understand how it is - two mothers. Recently, an orthopedist in a free clinic was very surprised: “What is this? How is it?" We advised him to read on the Internet. And Lena was called grandmother twice in a free clinic: we go into the office, and the doctor asks: “Who is this? Grandmother?"

Lena also became Gordyusha's godmother. This was not planned, just the alleged godmother refused at the last moment. At the same time, I do not want to be considered a mother, and Lena as a godmother. Although, for example, it would be convenient for my mother.

I already had a child in another relationship, also a boy. When I came to their family, he was already a little over a year old. Now his mother forbade us to see each other, which I am very worried about. I took the child to kindergarten, and there were no questions for us. It seems that the main thing for educators is that the child is brought and picked up on time, that he is well-groomed, knows the program. It’s a pity that no one will adapt to you and your family model. For example, a child will not be allowed to make postcards on March 8 for both mothers, because this is not accepted. Educators and teachers project their worldview onto the child.

When the son starts asking about dad, we will tell the truth. True, I have not yet thought about what words we will formulate it. As soon as this question arises, you need to tell the child that it was a donor. At first he won't understand. After some time, you will have to repeat this, then, perhaps, again. But we certainly won't lie.

At work, both Lena and me, everyone with whom we communicate closely knows about our marital status and that we have a child. Colleagues even gave Lena a gift for the birth of her son. When I first got a job, they asked me about my personal life, I calmly told about everything. Of course, both the director and colleagues asked a lot - they were interested. At the same time, they are wary of gays.

I understand those LGBT couples with children who are afraid to communicate with the media. I am not afraid of moral violence, that they will insult and blame me. I know what to answer to this, I have close people who will support. But I cannot oppose the laws against our freedom and the actions that people can take based on these laws. When you have a family, even giving an anonymous interview is scary.

Rita and Svetlana

mothers Arseniy (15 years old) and Vari (2 years old) (names changed at the request of the heroes)

We met on the Internet and after the first meeting we did not communicate for 5 years. And when we met for the second time, we almost immediately decided to live together: me, Sveta and her son Arseniy.

Arseniy was then 13 years old, and we faced many problems of transitional age - this is hardly any different in the families of hetero- and homosexuals. This is not exactly a protest against adults and against the whole world, but rather just a search for oneself, which continues to this day. Arseniy asks himself and us a lot of questions, starting with "why am I red?" and ending with "what is the meaning of life?".

Arseniy treated me well and listened to me from the very beginning. To be honest, in our family, I am the authority for him. I'm just stricter than Sveta. I understand that if I constantly make concessions, afraid to spoil relations with my son, like any child, he will manipulate it.

As for the “uncomfortable questions” about where babies come from, when the time came, Sveta decided to talk to Arseniy about it herself. Of course, she did not open America to him - he is generally a rather self-sufficient and independent guy. Arseniy is an introvert and not too inclined to share experiences. At school, he does not talk much about his family, but at the same time he does not hide anything. We did not come up with any special names for me, like "nanny" or "godmother", I'm just Rita, and together with Sveta we are parents.

I really wanted to have a baby too, and Sveta supported me in this. She already felt the joy of motherhood and wished it for me. Finally, next to me was a person with whom I decided to take such a serious step. Six months later, we were finally convinced that we were ready for life together and started planning pregnancy.

We weighed all the risks, considered different sperm banks. There was even the option of conceiving in Denmark, but in the end we did it in Moscow on the recommendations of our friends. We had a trusted doctor who worked with many of our acquaintances. Of course, it was a lot of stress. It took a year to conceive—along with tests, cycle tracking, and a few failed attempts.

I gave birth to a daughter through artificial insemination. When choosing a method, it was first of all important for us that the father could not claim the child, so we considered only donor conception. IVF is done according to indications - if a woman cannot get pregnant herself. Insemination is a more natural and easier way to conceive.

We never saw our donor, not even in the photo. There was only information about his appearance: hair color, eye color, height, weight, nose shape, nationality, education. We wanted the child to look like Sveta, so we chose a donor with similar features: gray-green eyes, blond hair. It turned out as ordered! Now, when we meet new people, they often think that Varya is Sveta's daughter. Even a blood son looks less like her. Varya calls both me and Sveta mom. So far, there have been no questions for us in the kindergarten, let's see what happens next.

Now Varya sees a certain model of the family, by the way, quite common in Russia: how many people around were raised by their mother and grandmother? However, in cartoons, she hears "mom, dad", so sometimes she talks about dad. At such moments, something pricks inside: what if someday she will need a father, and we cannot give it. But I take the position that it is impossible to make a child's life perfect. In any case, a person will have some kind of injury. Therefore, we try to give her what we can to the maximum, love her for ten and make up for what we do not have. Yes, there is no dad - but there are two mothers, that's how lucky she is!

I do not think that the example of our family can somehow affect the sexual orientation of children. Rather, they will simply understand that this is also possible. They will be a little more loyal, a little freer in perception. If sexual orientation were instilled in the family, then we would be heterosexual, because we both grew up in heterosexual families.

If a child tells you that he likes members of his gender, you must first of all explain that everything is fine with him, and make it clear that you will support him in any situation and will always be on his side. I hope that we can be wise enough so that children do not have to look for some social media communities where they can share their experiences. We try to make sure that in any situation they can come to us.

By the way, it seems that families with two dads in which a child is brought up are not about Russian reality at all. Men with this, of course, are much more difficult. In our country, in principle, machismo is cultivated: “boys”, “boy concepts”.

In principle, I do not see the need to publicly declare at work about sexual orientation, whatever it may be. Despite the fact that I work for an international company, our representative office is subject to Russian law, so publicizing family affairs would be not only strange, but also dangerous. Propaganda of homosexuality is prohibited in Russia. So far, only propaganda, and what will be banned further is unclear.

When we walk all together, we are perceived calmly on the street. Someone holds their gaze a little longer, sometimes they look at it, but there is no aggression. I think whether they will show homophobia towards you depends not only on society, but also on your behavior. I know people who behave provocatively and stick out their orientation. It's not that we hide something and encrypt ourselves - we're just ordinary people who don't need a protest. If they ask directly - are you lesbians? - we honestly answer "yes". If it is possible not to speak directly, it is better not to speak.

If we had the opportunity to legitimize our relationship, we would certainly do it. Firstly, Sveta has no documentary rights to the child. And if something happens to me, Varya will be given to her grandparents, and Sveta will not even be able to claim her. I can’t even get insurance at work for my wife.

10 years ago it was easier than it is now. After the release of the law on gay propaganda, the state’s attitude appeared: we are wrong, it’s wrong to talk about us, and even more so it’s wrong to speak well. The mood of society has changed, the tone of speech has changed - people on the network have become more aggressive, condemnation has appeared. And it looks like it's only going to get worse. The only thought that arises in search of a way out of this situation is to leave. Now we are thinking about moving to Europe.

Most homosexual couples participate in conception on equal terms

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July 09, 2013, 10:28 Science

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100%

Gay couples and single men are 21 times more likely than 6 years ago to use reproductive technology to pass on their genes to their own child. To do this, they resort to the services of egg donors and a surrogate mother, Canadian scientists found out.

Modern society in many countries is becoming more tolerant towards people of non-traditional sexual orientation, including their desire to have children. Not all of them are ready to adopt a child, many prefer to give birth to their own. The number of men who resort to reproductive technologies for this has increased 21 times in five years. Such data are provided by the authors articles in Reproductive BioMedicine Online . Experts from the University of Toronto and several biomedical organizations in Canada have studied statistics on this issue since 2003.

The motives that drive homosexual and single men to desire fatherhood are no different from the motives of heterosexual men - this is the desire to find a family and raise their own children, to whom they pass their genes.

Under the supervision of Canadian specialists were 37 male homosexual couples and eight single men who, from the beginning of 2003 to the end of 2011, turned to CReATe, a reproductive center in Toronto, for help. In order to have genetically their children, such men needed egg donors and a surrogate mother for bearing.

And the first result is that in five years there were 21 times more such men: if in 2003-2006 one homosexual couple and one single man applied for such a service, then in 2007-2011 - 36 couples and seven single men.

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They were both citizens of Canada and citizens of other countries - Israel, France, Great Britain, Canada, Australia.

The average age of men was 46 years (from 24 to 58 years), 24.3% of them were in a registered marriage, but all couples were quite stable - the average time of marriage was 7.7 years. 15.6% of them already had children of their own.

Men may have used sperm from one or both partners to conceive a child.

The majority (76%) of couples chose the second option - in this case, which of them becomes the genetic father of the child is determined by chance.

24% decided to conceive a child from one partner, and in most cases it was the older partner.

In terms of egg donors, the majority (87%) chose an anonymous donor, and 13% chose a woman known to them as a donor. Of those who preferred anonymity, 67.5% of men chose the option according to which the child in the future (on reaching the age of 18) will meet his biological mother.

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In 21 couples and four single men, conception resulted in a successful surrogate pregnancy. For 12 couples and three single men, the first attempt failed, but half of them wanted to try it again.

This is the first study of reproductive care for male couples and single men, while much more attention is being paid to lesbian couples and single women. It was not accidentally held in Canada, since since 2003 in the province of Ontario, and since 2005 throughout Canada, homosexual marriages have been legalized.

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