To live on, you need to mourn your loss, you need to say goodbye to a child and a broken dream, give a place and a time to your pain, and only then follow the path of recovery.

“I was afraid that I would never be able to be happy again,” continues Olya Belogortseva, one of the participants in the online performance #need to talk. “But thanks to the fund’s psychologists, I returned. And I remember this first injection, when I felt alive again, no longer lying on the asphalt without skin: it was some kind of swaying of tree branches, foliage, just the play of the sun - but I caught the signal: you can live, life is beautiful. nine0003 Playback theater online performance. Photo: press service of the Light in Hands Foundation

Even after the experience. If you give him a voice

“Olya, please choose who will play you,” says Olga Smirnova-Koltsova, host of the evening, conductor of the playback theater Playback # 01 (that is, one in which there is no pre-written script and director , but there are artists who play the role of spectators, who share their stories and help them to be released). Olya chooses, barefoot actresses in black rise from office chairs and become Olya, and her reckless husband, and a grieving couple, and their child, and birds on the asphalt, and risen from the ashes. nine0003

And it becomes easier to breathe. Stitched from the remarks of others - conversations in the kitchen, crying into the phone, gossip at the entrance - Olya's monologue and musical improvisation, this moving wave seems to open the floodgates, releasing tears and letting air in where it was empty and dark. Removing the taboo from the topic. Decreasing fear. And closing the distance. Playback - you can't play your story back and undo what happened. But you can melt your grief into soul fuel. And when the audience is crying, at this moment it seems that the project #shouldn't talk about perinatal losses, because any other pain, unspoken tragedy or social problem can be substituted in their place. It is about the path of man to man. Here is this figure in black, detached from the wall, walking into the hall with outstretched arms. More is not a default... nine0003

Olya is married to Vasilisa , whose child was not born. Behind her tells her story Alena , who lost two sons - 9 and 11 months old. Behind them rises the mother's choir - a queue of comments under the online performance. Those who were silent. Those who want to learn to live again.

Mom forever

“But my child died - and nothing, I didn’t write books, I didn’t scream at every corner”, “Grief should be silent”, “This is the monetization of grief” - just a couple of years ago they hounded writer Anna Starobinets when her documentary Look at Him about her own experience of perinatal loss was shortlisted for the National Best Award. In one interview, Anna spoke about the reasons for this persecution: “The main problem is in the public consciousness itself, in that medieval Spartan tradition that makes people tolerant of situations when they are hurt and humiliated, and when the main and only manifestation of strength and dignity is silence."

“There are topics that are so close to the skin that sometimes you can’t open your mouth,” says Sasha Babkina, whose team launched the project #need to talk (which would be nice to become a flash mob - at the federal level). “But when you give voice to what hurts society, shame goes away, the problem becomes visible and it starts to hurt less. I myself had a frozen pregnancy 3 years ago, but even from my mother, who once also experienced such a loss, I heard: “Stop suffering, don’t cry, pull yourself together and wash the floor.” Of course, my mother was endlessly worried and sympathetic for me, but she could not talk about it - like very many in our country. Unfortunately, at that time I was not yet familiar with the "Light in Hands" foundation, which provides psychological assistance to families and conducts educational work with society and doctors (for example, it shows how you can carefully respond to someone else's injury, and tells you exactly what you should not talk if you find out about someone's loss). It seems to me that by today our society has accumulated such a number of taboo topics, covered with shabby patches of silence, that the seams from pressure are already beginning to open. And you can finally speak. It's time." nine0003

Incredible facts Abortion is perhaps the most controversial and sensitive topic in our society.

Its supporters and opponents put forward many arguments FOR and AGAINST.

The reasons that push women to have an abortion are different: from economic instability to unwillingness to become a mother due to young age or specific circumstances. nine0003

Psychological consequences of abortion

Speaking about abortion, first of all, it is worth considering the psychological moment that a woman who decides to terminate a pregnancy will have to go through.

And no matter how bitter it may sound, it is much easier to remove a baby from the womb than to erase the memory of him from her soul.

Surveys have shown that women who decide to terminate a pregnancy say that if at first they feel some relief, then later it was replaced by a feeling of acute guilt, pain and disappointment. nine0003

Experts say that what a woman experiences after an abortion is, in fact, very different from what she says. The psychological consequences of abortion are much more serious than it might seem at first glance.

Even when a woman refers to termination of pregnancy as "the only way out of this situation" and rationally justifies abortion, on a subconscious level she denies it and is very upset by what happened.

nine0073

No matter how she assures herself that "it is necessary" and that "there was no other way out" - termination of pregnancy always leads to a deep psychological crisis. A woman begins to experience many different feelings: from pain and shame, and ending with a feeling of emptiness and hopelessness.

And even if at first she felt a sense of relief that she was free from obligations and unwanted burdens, then soon she begins to feel regret, fear, longing and, of course, she is tormented by guilt. nine0003

Very often, psychological problems can cause problems of a physiological nature. As a result, insomnia, bad dreams, depressed mood; some women who decide to have an abortion develop sexual disorders. She ceases to perceive the father of the child as a sexual partner.

In medical slang, these phenomena are called "post-abortion syndrome" (PAS).

A woman is by nature, first of all, a mother and a giver of new life. When pregnancy comes, a new life begins to develop inside her. And no matter what they say about the "accumulation of cells" or that "this is not a child yet", on a subconscious level, every woman understands that she is responsible for the child living inside her body. nine0003

According to psychologists, the understanding of this and the awareness of motherhood are imprinted on a subconscious level.

When a woman makes a difficult decision for her to terminate a pregnancy, it seems to change her vocation to give a new life, she seems to change her vocation to be a mother.

It is not surprising that her femininity and nature oppose such a development of events. Ultimately, such a change in her natural essence does not pass without a trace for a woman. nine0003

The attitude of the church towards abortion

Let's start with the fact that on the issue of abortion, all religious denominations agree on one thing - this is a sin.

The attitude of the church to this is unequivocal: abortion is the murder of an unborn child. Almost every religion in the world thinks so. And it's hard to argue here.

It's no secret that the bond between mother and child is the strongest spiritual bond that can exist in this world. Some spiritual practices reveal the secret of what happens if parents decide to terminate the pregnancy and get rid of the one who is simply obliged to give life. nine0003

Unfortunately, some women consider abortion as a means of contraception. Many of us have heard that abortion is a sin for which both parents of the unborn child are responsible.

But few people have heard about how the unborn child affects the children who were born later, that is, their born brothers and sisters, as well as the fate of their parents, or rather, the fate of the woman and man who were supposed to become them. nine0003

Read also: Hormonal catastrophe: 5 foods that a woman should not eat

Unborn children

We all know that a family is a single chain consisting of interconnected links, that is, family members that influence each other regardless of whether they are alive or have already died.

So, some of us maintain a strong connection with our great-grandmother who has long departed into the world, others have to pay the debts of their grandfather or even great-grandfather, and there are those who, unfortunately, repeat the fate of their aunt or grandmother. nine0003

According to psychotherapists and esotericists, everything that is not forgotten, mourned, not forgiven in one way or another affects our destinies and our lives.

So, as mentioned above, the strongest connection is the blood connection between the father and mother and their child.

Let's find out what is the impact of the unborn child on their parents, brothers and sisters.

Woman after abortion

Abortion changes everything. Once the woman decides to do so, one dies and the other (the mother of the unborn child) is left wounded for life.

In addition, the entire burden of the emotional, spiritual and psychological state of a woman is also transferred to other family members. Therefore, many women prefer not to inform their relatives and friends.

Abortion scars may not be immediately obvious. Many wounds begin to bleed much later: for example, when someone close to him dies or during subsequent pregnancy and childbirth. nine0003

From the memoirs of a girl who decided to have an abortion at a very early age:

“After leaving the clinic after the abortion, I remember the physical pain and the understanding that I did something that I might later regret. However, at that time I did not even imagine that my decision to have an abortion would somehow affect my future children. As a teenager, I didn't look that far ahead."

Everyone has their own reasons that pushed a woman to make such a difficult decision. As a rule, if a woman already has a child and she decides to have an abortion, she motivates her act as follows: nine0003

“I can’t afford another child, because then I will have to somehow infringe on the children that I already have. ”

In order to save their living children from poverty, lack of money or other difficulties, women decide to terminate their pregnancy. However, they do not even suspect that abortions will in no way improve the lives of other children or those babies who will be born later.

Many tend to underestimate the impact that abortion has on siblings of unborn children. nine0003

Since abortion is usually kept secret, it is very difficult for children to understand what happened and where this source of pain within the family suddenly came from.

But even when children know the truth, as a rule, they consider it incorrect and unacceptable to ask a question about abortion. Many are more concerned about the suffering of their parents than their own emotional experiences, as well as spiritual and psychological pain.

Here are the 5 main consequences experienced by siblings of unborn children, in other words, children whose mothers decide to terminate the pregnancy:

1. Guilt

When children discover that they are the reason their brother's life was cut short, some begin to feel guilty.

They may think that something is their fault, and that in some way, they are responsible for the fact that their brother or sister was not destined to be born. This feeling of guilt can accompany a person throughout life. nine0003

2. Education that leads to injury

Abortion changes people. It often happens that after an abortion, couples break up without even realizing why this happened.

The healing process sometimes takes months or even years. And psychological pain can interfere with the process of bonding relationships with children who already have, or those who will be born in the future.

All this can lead to improper upbringing and even psychological childhood trauma, which in the future can create serious difficulties.

3. Repeated sins of generations

An unexpected pregnancy and the decision to have an abortion for various reasons often become some kind of sad family tradition. Sometimes a girl may not know that she decides to repeat the sin that her mother, grandmother, committed. nine0003

Whether they know about the interrupted life of their brother (sister) or not, many women unconsciously repeat the sin of their parents, terminating an unplanned pregnancy.

4. The souls of dead children visit the living

In one of her private therapy sessions, a woman who had an abortion had her 5-year-old daughter introduce her imaginary friend.

The family was encouraged to greet the "imaginary" friend. The mother listened to her daughter talking to this friend about her family. When the child described his fictitious interlocutor, the woman was shocked: the invisible friend was the same age as the child whose life she interrupted. nine0003

Feeling that this was no coincidence, the mother heard the name of an imaginary friend. She was shocked again when she realized that this name was the same as the name she was preparing for her failed baby.

After the session was over, the mysterious friend disappeared. When the girl was asked where, the baby simply replied: "She went back to heaven, mommy."

And such cases are far from uncommon, it is worth noting that each of these stories has its own nuances and details. nine0003

Read also: How the souls of deceased relatives affect your life

5. Pain and sorrow

Here is one very interesting story:

“Even before I was born, two of my sisters died of birth defects. I knew about their deaths. And although my parents rarely spoke about it, sometimes their presence was felt very strongly.

A little later, I visited their graves, and at that moment grief overwhelmed me so much that I felt an unbearable pain of loss, despite the fact that I had never known them. It was so weird and incomprehensible." nine0003

Unborn children

Psychologists say that abortion significantly affects many areas of a person's life.

Effect of unborn children on parents:

• As a rule, a woman experiences an abortion very hard. Often she feels as if she has lost a part of herself. The psychological pain after this act is so strong that often a woman begins to experience severe physical consequences: she feels a decline in strength and energy. nine0003

She feels like she is in another reality. This happens because the mother's soul longs for the unborn child. Subsequently, guilt and regret are also added to this longing.

• The mother's heart and soul remain with the unborn child. As mentioned above, as long as this child remains unmourned, a woman's heart is closed to other children.

For this reason, a baby born after, on a subconscious level, may unconsciously experience fear in relation to his own mother. nine0003

• Abortion affects not only the mother, but also the life of the father.

A man who has aborted children eventually begins to experience serious financial problems.

The impact of abortion on the relationship between partners in a couple:

• Abortion has a profound effect on a couple's life.

You need to understand a very important truth: parenthood occurs at the moment of conception of a child, and it is not at all canceled by an abortion. nine0003

• The consequences of an abortion for both partners are often worse than if they decided to give life to this child.

• The guilt for making the decision to have an abortion cannot be shared – one and the other have their own guilt. To what extent guilt is divided can be shown by a detailed examination of the cause of the abortion.

• If, for example, a woman finds out that she is pregnant, but chooses not to inform her partner, and decides to have an abortion herself, her responsibility and guilt are aggravated and become greater. nine0003

• You should also be aware that with each abortion, the relationship is gradually destroyed. From the point of view of physiology, sexual attraction between partners is often violated.

Ultimately, this can lead to the termination or violation of intimacy and the separation of partners.

However, if love is strong enough in the relationship, this can be avoided. When each of the parents admits their guilt and forgives each other for the decision made, only in this case the emotional, physical and psychological connection in the couple can improve. nine0003

• Partners with unaccepted unborn children break up very often.

Abortion is a very difficult test for partners, which not everyone manages to pass.

The impact of abortion on children who have unborn siblings:

• If your parents decided to have an abortion before you were born, that unborn brother or sister seemed to "give way" to you their place in a certain system, in which, most likely, you would not have taken place. In other words, you simply wouldn't exist. nine0003

Therefore, very often in such people in life something starts to go wrong. For example, they have serious difficulties in their work, it often happens that sometimes they get the feeling that they are living not one, but two or even three lives.

They experience suffering, often it begins to seem as if they deny themselves a full happy life.

Often such people experience difficulties in determining their place in the sun, primarily with the choice of profession. It can be difficult for them to determine their life path. They may have several educations and professions, they continually jump from one place of work to another. nine0003

In addition, in their environment there are also many friends and acquaintances that are not similar to each other, and their personal life is very difficult.

It is also worth noting the special relationship of such people with their mothers, there are two possible scenarios for the development of events: coldness, detachment, sometimes some aggressiveness. Or, on the contrary, the child feels too much attention and love (the mother, as if feeling guilty, gives this love also for her unborn child). nine0003

Another option: inside this person experiences conflicting feelings. As if a certain sense of responsibility hangs over him not to let his parents down: he must certainly become successful and take place in this life.

It seems that somewhere on a subconscious level, he bears the idea that he is obliged to live a successful life for his unborn brother or sister. However, it is this thought that leads to numerous failures and falls. nine0003

• If the unborn brother or sister happened after you were born, then you should also understand some of the nuances. First of all, your family relationships will also suffer.

• If your parents decided to have an abortion both before and after your birth, then you will have a very difficult life.

As a rule, it will seem to you that you do not feel solid support under your feet, you will not understand what you want from life, and sometimes it will even seem to you that the earth is simply floating away from under your feet. nine0003

Such people are more likely than others to be depressed, they seem to lose their taste for life, it seems to them that they are not living their own life, or they feel that they are at the wrong time and in the wrong place.

• If there are unborn children between living brothers and sisters, then there is also a difficult situation here: they feel coldness and alienation in relations with each other. Often this coldness and detachment become a real abyss and lead to a complete break in the relationship. nine0003

In addition, there are some nuances regarding unborn children. So, for example, if a man becomes the father of a child who was conceived artificially, as a rule, he will face serious financial difficulties and barriers to career growth.

Perhaps the main reason for this is that doctors take several embryos for the artificial insemination procedure. Everyone knows that very often a woman manages to get pregnant in this way far from the first time.

Learn more

• 
  Painful heartburn pregnant
• 
  How to have your child tested for gifted
• 
  Changes to body after pregnancy
• 
  Causes of swelling in pregnancy
• 
  What to do about severe leg cramps
• 
  What hcg level indicates pregnancy
• 
  Importance of mother infant bonding
• 
  Things to do pregnancy
• 
  Sti and pregnant
• 
  Can you give a child up for adoption
• 
  How to know if your child has a uti