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Is it easy to be a father?

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• 0-1 year
• 1-3 years
• 3-7 years
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“Parenthood is easy for women!” - almost every man is sure of this. Still would! Yes, a woman is generally programmed by nature to be a mother! Not that we are men. For example, immediately after the birth of the baby, they handed me a hitherto unfamiliar child and said: “Love him!”. And so three times. So I understand you. Every time with the advent of a son or daughter, your whole way of life completely changes, they constantly make some demands on you, they want you to correspond to something, and even they are waiting for help and understanding. But who will understand you and help you?

Indeed, men and women perceive parenthood in completely different ways. However, each of them has their own role in the life of a child. Today we will talk about fatherhood, its difficulties and joys, how to survive it, what will happen to you for it and how to become a good father to your child.

So, let's consider the very question that primarily distinguishes the very state of fatherhood from motherhood ...

What will happen to me?

In my practice as a coach and family counselor, I have met many women who complain that they put their whole life, career and time on the altar of raising children, and now grown-up children do not appreciate them. These mothers feel empty and see a future without prospects.

It is curious that you will hardly meet a father with such complaints. Men, even after the birth of a child, remain true to themselves. They find time for work, for themselves, for friends.

In fatherhood, as a rule, there is no self-denial and sacrifice for the sake of children, which is most often characteristic of motherhood. Dads don't want to dive headlong into parenting. Moreover, they would like to receive some kind of return from their new status, something that will pay off for them the invested mental and physical strength. They are interested in what they will get in return.

A newborn child practically does not give any feedback, and requires a lot of strength and attention to himself. For this reason, the initial stage of parenthood can be harder for men than for women.

A woman, as a rule, is ready to devote herself to a child from the very beginning, but a man is not. Therefore, when a child is born (no matter which number), many men feel that a noose is being tightened around their neck.

No wonder new fathers start to panic. And at this stage, it happens that relations worsen, men are increasingly late at work and spend weekends away from home, and sometimes the situation becomes completely deplorable - families break up.

However, we do many things in our lives without expecting immediate results. If you're building a career, you put a lot of work into it first. Only then do you get recognition. If you open a business, then you need to think over a business idea, register an enterprise, spend a lot of your own funds to launch the project and “promote” it - and only then, perhaps, all these investments will begin to pay dividends. At the same time, the “newborn” business requires the most strength at the very beginning, when it does not bring you anything in return.

It is worth understanding that fatherhood is also a long-term project. And all your "investment" in it will undoubtedly pay off. But this will take time.

"Become a father" or "be a dad"?

"Everyone can become a father, but not everyone can become a dad. " I really love this phrase. Indeed, to conceive a child is not a big job. But becoming a father to a child and going through the whole path of parenthood is not at all easy. This requires maturity, responsibility and commitment from a man.

The good news is that being a parent will give you these qualities! It's so laid down by nature. We cannot know if we are ready for parenthood until we become parents. And then suddenly the boundaries of our universe expand. We become more mature, more responsible, more committed, and develop our parental instinct as the play progresses.

You are taking a step into eternity, becoming a parent, which is incredibly pleasant for fathers in a manly way - now you are not just a lion, you have your own pride. Parenthood is also very enriching for dads. The question is how to deal with it. If you see only a burden in this, then it will be very difficult for you. But the same can be said about anything. Treating something like a burden can ruin even the most pleasant things. If you see fatherhood as a mission and responsibility, and multiply it by the love and joy that fatherhood brings into your life, then you will feel differently.

The love and affection of a small child for his parents is the purest and most uncomplicated kind of love that you simply need to experience for yourself. No one will ever love you like this.

I had a period with frequent business trips. When I returned, my children gave me such looks, smiles and hugs that I, not the most sentimental man, was ready to leave again, only to return and experience it again.

Children don't just love their dads, they idolize them. For a child, the image of the father is associated with almost omnipotence. Dad is the strongest, smartest, hardiest, dad knows everything. Who else would treat you like this? Obviously not your wife and definitely not your mother-in-law! (joke).

Parenthood begins with a relationship in a couple

Sometimes we forget that not only have we become parents, but also continue to be spouses. It still obliges to some things that are not related to the child. In family life, especially after the birth of children, everyone has moments when everything is terribly annoying and overwhelmed by anger. This is true for both men and women. I recommend that you do not wait until the atmosphere in the house reaches a boiling point. The best treatment is prevention.

If at some stage you feel that your wife annoys you, most likely you have forgotten about your relationship. With the birth of a child, which immediately changes the lives of both partners, we often forget that before parenthood we were partners. Children will grow up and begin to build their own lives, and you must remain partners. Remember how people behave in a couple when they do not have children yet. Leave room for romance in your life.

Don't forget to listen and hear each other. Do not forget that a woman needs your attentions, flowers and gifts to feel loved and desired. Especially in the first time after childbirth, when the children are small and demanding. If you want to continue to live with a woman, friend and lover in one person, and not just with the "mother of your children", then treat her like a woman, friend and lover. And let the children treat her like a mother.

Don't act like a child is between you. Often men have a desire to "blame" the child for the fact that life has changed. Don't be tempted! First, it's childish. Be a man and a father - after all, it is harder for a small, little understanding child than for an intelligent and adult you. Secondly, for a woman there is no creature dearer than her child. In all disputes or conflicts, the child will always take first place. That's how nature works. If you want to check this, then count the statistics of divorces of women from their husbands, and then try to find the statistics of divorces with children.

And it's just wonderful that there is someone who protects YOUR child like a lioness and puts him above all! Thank fate for this! If mothers treated children differently, then children simply would not survive.

Why your child needs you

You have undoubtedly heard about the maternal instinct - an instinct inherent in nature in a woman, which allows her to intuitively understand her child without words, to understand what exactly he needs.

Male instincts manifest differently. We have much less desire to take care of a child, especially at an early stage.

When a child is born, the man goes off to hunt the mammoth, and the woman in the cave raises the children. However, as the children grow up, the role of the father becomes more and more in demand: one must teach the child to hunt (if this is a son), or to protect (if this is a daughter). Thus, the older the children become, the more dominant the role of the father becomes.

Fathers also have some equivalent of maternal instinct. Scientists have conducted studies that have shown that men who become fathers have lower testosterone levels. Testosterone is known to be a male hormone, the "macho" hormone. In order for a man to take care of a child, communicate and play with him, nature makes him a little softer.

Children react differently to their fathers and mothers. Harvard University conducted a study on six-week-old babies. When the mother approached the baby, the baby relaxed his shoulders and his heartbeat decreased - the fact of the mother's proximity calmed him. When dad approached, the baby's shoulders slightly rose and the heartbeat increased. The kid was excited. It was a sign that he was getting ready to play with his dad, to spend time more actively.

Men have an interesting quality in common: despite changes in age, we always remain a little bit of a child. Is that the toys are more expensive. And this is wonderful: a man, since he himself is a child at heart, often easily finds a common language with children. For many women, it remains a mystery why children, growing up, are very drawn to their dads. This is especially incomprehensible if the dad was not very involved in the upbringing of the child at an early age. Here is the answer to this question.

Research shows that boys who grew up in a family that included both a mother and a father are 30% less likely to end up in prison before the age of 30 than boys who grew up without fathers. At the same time, girls whose fathers were actively involved in their upbringing are up to 35% less likely to become pregnant in adolescence than girls without a father or with a father not involved in upbringing. Research around the world shows the influence of fathers at an early age on the ability of children to successfully adjust in the adult world and be independent. Children learn stress resistance, willpower, perseverance and many other qualities from dads.

What kind of father should I be?

Authoritarian fathers raise future tyrants. Permissive fathers raise eternal children. Absent fathers... don't raise anyone. And they lose a lot of beauty in their lives.

Be the fourth type of father - balanced: literate, setting boundaries, able to agree and refuse when necessary. Be a father who knows what's going on in a child's life and can give him an emotional response. Be a father who is close (even if you work hard and leave, stay in front of the child: call, talk on Skype). A father who knows how to tell his child: "I love you!". Be a father who is not afraid of his child and does not run away from the difficulties associated with him. And if you run away, don't forget to come back. Your children need you.

Boris Herzberg

About the author: Boris Herzberg is a consultant and coach in the field of self-development and family relationships. Author of the book “Journey Into Yourself. A practical guide to self-development. Father of three children. Lives in Israel.

What kind of dad are you?

With this test, the portal I am a parent offers to determine what kind of father you are. But the results of any test are not a dogma, but only an occasion for reflection, and better - a joint one. Trust yourself, because you know your family situation better than anyone.

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Being a dad is cool - Teacher's newspaper

Father's Day was celebrated in Russia on October 16th. However, unfortunately, not everyone knows about the holiday, as well as about its social purpose. The executive director of the All-Russian public organization Union of Fathers, a member of the Public Council under the Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation, Yury Vladimirovich SOLENOV, spoke about the culture of fatherhood and "Talk about the Important", the upbringing of children and parents in an exclusive interview with Teacher's Newspaper.

Scroll to the right to see more images

– Yuri Vladimirovich, in 2021, the President of the Russian Federation signed a decree establishing Father's Day and celebrating it every third Sunday in October. Do you think Father's Day has become a national holiday?

- Father's Day has not yet become a national holiday, but has already attracted a lot of attention from families and the public. Fatherhood in public focus has shown that there is nothing wrong with taking an active part in the educational process and being involved in the life of a child. Starting with partner childbirth, walking with a stroller, playing with a child on the playground and going to parent-teacher meetings. Fatherhood is becoming fashionable, that is, being a dad is cool, interesting and very important.

Therefore, we at the Union of Fathers have set ourselves the main task - to draw public attention to fatherhood through Father's Day. After all, motherhood has long been elevated to the rank of holiness, but nothing was said about fatherhood.

So the path of establishing an all-Russian holiday from 2008 to 2021 turned out to be not so simple. But already the first year showed that a huge number of families were waiting for this day. We saw that families paid special attention to the event, children honored their fathers. Not only kids, but also adults who have had their own children for a long time.

– On October 10, Father's Day became the central theme of “Conversations about the Important” in educational institutions of the country. The fathers of many students visited the schools and shared their experiences. What do you think such meetings give?

– In addition to the October 10 “Conversations about the Important”, we also initiated a “Men's Talk” and offered several scenarios for fathers to conduct this conversation in the classes where their children study. It is important to understand that such conversations strengthen the practice of mentoring, expand opportunities for career guidance and form a model of male behavior in children who, for certain reasons, lack paternal attention.

All this also has a positive and fruitful effect on the child's learning process. When dad comes to school, many problems are solved, even in relations with classmates. The attention of fathers to their children favorably affects the atmosphere in the whole school, and friendly relations develop between the participants in the process.

- The Fathers Union, which you lead, appeared in 2016. What made you and your colleagues join forces in this direction? What social mission underlies this initiative?

- I have been dealing with the topic of fatherhood since 2009, at the same time the first president of Tatarstan, Mintimer Sharipovich Shaimiev, proposed this initiative at the republican level. Subsequently, I became the acting republican public organization "Union of Fathers" in Tatarstan.

Before holding the first founding congress, we thought about what goals we should set for ourselves. For example, the problem of single fathers is relevant.

Fathers are also presented as parasites, people who do not pay alimony and do not take care of their children. And it was precisely such a pessimistic informational support for paternity that has been in the media for a long time.

We focused on, let's call it that, quality fatherhood and decided to promote a positive image of the father. For ourselves, we have identified a mission - to tear dads away from sofas so that they finally overcome the force of gravity and devote time to children.

Perhaps now such a task sounds a little ridiculous and strange, but in 2009 it seemed very important for us. Because at the first congress in Tatarstan, the research data was presented, according to which fathers from China devote 55 minutes a day to their children, fathers from the USA - 42 minutes, and fathers from Russia - only 6 minutes.

Day by day and year by year we have been working towards organizing interesting events and courses for fathers. So, in 2016, Father's Day was included in the list of events of the Ministry of Labor and Social Protection, and in 2017, information was received from the Administration of the President of the Russian Federation that the holiday was needed in Russia. The President put an end to this journey and, by decree of October 4, 2021, established a new all-Russian holiday.

- The Manifesto of the Union of Fathers begins with a solemn promise "Receiving the high title of husband, father and head of the family . ..". Do supporters of equality in married couples criticize you for this?

– You know, the manifesto actually starts with the words that most women want to hear. They want to see in a man a head, a support, a rock and a mountain. They want to see in him a bulwark of security and a legislator of family traditions. And most importantly - a father who will be a friend, hero and mentor for his child.

There is very little criticism now. Many who criticized in the past now stand with us in the same ranks, promoting traditional family values ​​through the culture of fatherhood.

- An interview with a well-known journalist Andrei Maksimov is available on your YouTube channel, in which, among other things, you discussed “what mom teaches and what dad teaches”. Is there, in your opinion, a fundamental difference between the upbringing of a child by a mother and a father?

– In an interview with Andrey Maksimov, deep issues of education are touched upon. Personally, I believe that the father is a kind of foreign minister who helps the child realize his talents and reveal his full potential in society, in the outside world. But the revelation of this inner potential and abilities largely depends on the mother who carried the child as the fruit of the love of two parents under her heart.

In tandem, parents help the child to identify himself in society. But first of all, this happens in the family, because it is with mom and dad that the child forms common ideas, learns his own capabilities, decides what to do and who to be.

– The phrases “responsible fatherhood” and “conscious fatherhood” are increasingly appearing in the media today. How are they to be understood?

- Conscious and responsible fatherhood means that the father is fully aware of his role in the life of the child. Dad is not furniture in the room, not an accompanying object in life. This is a real person, ready to help in a difficult moment for the child.

Why? Because many of us are superficial about the stressful conditions of children. To us, their problems or questions may sound a little frivolous. But the responsibility that lies with the father is to know the problem, dive into its solution and give advice.

Consciousness lies in the understanding that becoming a father is not even half the battle, but only 10% of the task that you need to set for yourself when thinking about fatherhood.

Being a father means always being in a child's life, participating in all events. It is necessary to create an environment and space, to ensure safety. This is actually the phrase "My home is my castle."

– Mothers often complain about the uneven workload between spouses within the family. Sometimes they have to combine work, housekeeping and raising children, while the mission of the breadwinner is mainly assigned to the man. Is it possible to somehow correct this situation?

– In the Union of Fathers, it is mostly responsible dads who understand why the family was created and how it exists. And the distribution of roles is necessary for the optimal organization of life functions within the family.

This does not mean that the pope proclaims himself the main and the last word is exclusively his. It's just that dads and moms act as partners and make effective decisions together.

- You represent the Union of Fathers in the Public Council under the Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation. Are you able to establish constructive interaction between the public and the relevant department on issues that the organization is working with?

– This year we have achieved certain results. A constructive interaction was formed, many representatives of the regional branches of the Fathers' Union and chairmen of the fathers' councils took direct part in the August pedagogical meetings.

Dads talked not only about their activities and projects, but also touched upon the topics of cooperation between parents and teaching staff and schools. The initiative is aimed at the most effective acquisition of professional and personal competencies by children within the walls of educational institutions.

– At the beginning of October, you started accepting applications for participation in the “Dads Against Bullying” project. Tell us more about this project.

- The project "Dads Against Bullying" became a continuation of the work of the Union of Fathers and the Ministry of Education of the Russian Federation. We started the implementation of the project in 2022 under the motto: "There are no other people's children, there is my child's environment."

Within the framework of a program specially developed by the Tolerance Center, teachers, as well as fathers, can study, but already under a separate program.

In my opinion, this is the potential for effective interaction that will have a beneficial effect on classes and schools where there is or may be a risk of bullying. Fathers take care, create a favorable environment so that children feel safe.

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