Someone who carries a baby for another person

What It Is and How Does Surrogacy Work

Written by Rebecca Buffum Taylor

Medically Reviewed by Jennifer Robinson, MD on November 04, 2021

There's still some controversy about using a surrogate mother to have a baby. The legal process is also tricky because it varies from state to state. Even so, whether it's because of fertility problems or other reasons, surrogacy is an option for you and your partner. Find out how it works and see if it's right for you.

What Is a Surrogate Mother?

There are two kinds:

Traditional surrogate. It's a woman who gets artificially inseminated with the father's sperm. They then carry the baby and deliver it for you and your partner to raise.

A traditional surrogate is the baby's biological mother. That's because it was their egg that was fertilized by the father's sperm. Donor sperm can also be used.

Gestational surrogates. A technique called "in vitro fertilization" (IVF) now makes it possible to gather eggs from the mother (or an egg donor), fertilize them with sperm from the father (or a sperm donor), and place the embryo into the uterus of a gestational surrogate.

The surrogate then carries the baby until birth. They don't have any genetic ties to the child because it wasn't their egg that was used.

A gestational surrogate is called the "birth mother." The biological mother, though, is still the woman whose egg was fertilized.

In the U.S., gestational surrogacy is less complex legally. That's because both intended parents have genetic ties to the baby. As a result, gestational surrogacy has become more common than a traditional surrogate. About 750 babies are born each year using gestational surrogacy.

Who Uses Surrogates?

If you're a woman, you may consider a surrogate for several reasons:

Medical problems with your uterus
You had a hysterectomy that removed your uterus
Conditions that make pregnancy impossible or risky for you, such as severe heart disease

You may want to think about surrogacy if you tried but couldn't get pregnant with a variety of assisted-reproduction techniques, such as IVF.

Surrogates have also made parenthood an option for people who might not be able to adopt a child, perhaps because of their age or marital status.

If gay men decide to use a traditional surrogate, one of them uses their sperm to fertilize the surrogate's egg through artificial insemination. The surrogate then carries the baby and gives birth.

A gay couple might also choose an egg donor, fertilize that donated egg, and then have the embryo implanted in a gestational surrogate to carry until birth.

Finding a Surrogate

There are several ways you can find a surrogate mother:

Friends or family. Sometimes you can ask a friend or relative to be a surrogate for you. It's somewhat controversial. But because of the high cost of surrogacy and the complex legal issues it raises about parental rights, a tried-and-tested family relationship can be simpler to manage.

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine accepts certain family ties as acceptable for surrogates. It generally discourages surrogacy, though, if the child would carry the same genes as a child born of incest between close relatives.

A surrogacy agency. Most people use one to arrange a gestational surrogate. There are about 100 agencies now operating in the U.S. They act as go-betweens.

An agency helps you find a surrogate and make arrangements. It also collects any fees that get passed between you and the surrogate, such as paying for their medical expenses.

How to Choose a Surrogate

Right now there aren't any regulations about who can be a surrogate mother. But experts agree on a few points about how to select one.

You should choose surrogates who:

Are at least 21 years old
Have already given birth to at least one healthy baby so they understand firsthand the medical risks of pregnancy and childbirth and the emotional issues of bonding with a newborn
Have passed a psychological screening by a mental health professional to uncover any issues with giving up the baby after birth
Sign a contract about their role and responsibilities in the pregnancy, such as prenatal care and agreeing to give you the baby after birth

Using a Surrogate

The American Society for Reproductive Medicine says surrogates should get a medical exam to check that they are likely to have a healthy, full-term pregnancy. The organization suggests they get tests that check for infectious diseases such as syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, HIV, cytomegalovirus, and hepatitis B and C.

Surrogates should get tests to make sure they have immunity to measles, rubella (German measles), and chickenpox. Also, you may want to ask that they get a medical procedure to visually "map" the uterus, which can help the doctor check their potential to carry a pregnancy. Surrogate mothers should have their own doctor during pregnancy rather than use yours.

The cost of surrogacy can range from $80,000 to $120,000. A lot of different things go into the price, such as whether the surrogates have their own medical insurance or whether you need to buy a surrogacy-pregnancy policy for them.

Legal Issues With Surrogates

Parental rights aren't guaranteed after a surrogate pregnancy. The law continues to change as reproductive technology and the very definition of a "parent" changes.

There isn't a federal law on surrogacy and state laws vary. After a surrogate pregnancy in some states, you may still have to pass adoption proceedings to gain legal custody of the child. In other states, a "declaration of parentage" before birth lets you avoid having to "adopt" the baby.

To protect your rights as parents-to-be -- and the rights of the child you're hoping to have -- hire an attorney who specializes in reproductive law in your state. They can write a surrogacy contract that clearly spells out what everyone needs to do.

A contract like that may help if legal issues come up after birth. It can also outline agreements about a variety of possible scenarios with the pregnancy, such as what happens if there are twins or triplets.

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True Stories About Real Women Who Carried Someone Else's Baby

A generation ago, the few surrogacy stories you heard about were hush-hush because the process was not well defined legally. Nowadays, having a baby for someone else is becoming more common. In most states, it’s fully legal for a woman to serve as a gestational carrier, and give birth to a child with whom she has no genetic connection.

Four factors have worked together to transform the idea of carrying someone else’s baby from a rarity into a commonplace occurrence.

First, the legal changes in the definition of marriage now mean that two men, two women, and single people can form families with donor sperm and/or eggs.

Second, international adoption, which was a popular option for US couples, is becoming much more restricted.

Third, the science of transferring healthy embryos into a gestational carrier is highly safe and effective.

Finally, almost every U.S. state now allows compensated surrogacy.

So, what about women who become surrogates? It’s true that most surrogate contracts provide for financial compensation, but that factor is usually far down the list of reasons that women become surrogates.

We chatted with four women who several years ago decided that having a baby for someone else was the right thing to do. Their names have been changed to protect anonymity.

Note that carrying a baby for another person is not only a personal, emotional relationship, but also a legal one in which both parties sign confidentiality agreements. That’s why many of the stories you read about women having a baby for someone else use pseudonyms and don’t mention the specific geographic locations of the surrogates’ or intended parents’ residences.

Here are the four surrogacy stories, in question-and-answer format, just as we conducted the original interviews:

One: Nancy D., surrogate for a single mother.

Question: So, what was your initial impulse to do this? What made you say to yourself, “I want to be a surrogate“?

Nancy: It wasn’t an overnight decision for me because I had been thinking about it for a few years, ever since I had my own three children. All those births were super-easy and uncomplicated. My husband and I just thought, “You know what, now that our family is complete, why don’t we help someone else who wants children but can’t have them for whatever reason?”

Question: Did you know how to get started with the process, know how to contact an agency?

Nancy: Are you kidding? This was several years ago, when surrogacy wasn’t as well known as it is today. The few surrogate situations I had heard about were private contracts between couples and a surrogate.

So, based on the fact that I basically knew nothing about the process, believe it or not I went online and looked at sites that listed work from home jobs for moms. Do you believe it! I was actually trolling personal ad sections, but came up empty-handed.

Question: So, what did you do after checking out personal sites?

Nancy: Fortunately, I had an old friend from school who was a pediatric nurse and she told me about how the entire system was so organized, safe, and streamlined today. So I was glad to get connected with a surrogacy agency that had experience and solid credentials. They helped me find a single mother who really needed my help, who had zero chance of having children without a surrogate.

Question: What happened next?

Nancy: Well, after looking at the bios of about a dozen couples and single people who were looking for a surrogate, my husband and I chose a woman whose story really resonated with us. She is a very serious-minded woman who was a consultant and wanted to be a mom more than anything else.

She made the decision, after two gone-bad relationships, that raising a child by herself was the way to go. So, she found a sperm donor, used her own eggs, and, as she says, was “two-thirds of the way through the process” of having her own child. The missing link was me, a willing, healthy surrogate.

Question: So you weren’t carrying a baby for another couple but for a single person. Did that make a difference in your mind, and emotionally, about the choice to carry a child to term for another person?

Nancy: Not really. I saw it as a chance to help someone who wanted to start a family. My husband and I could easily have chosen someone else, a couple, or whoever. But he and I were deciding together, and when we got to her bio, her story just instantly clicked for both of us. We looked at each other and said, “This is the one.”

Question: Do you think that having a baby for someone else is a universal emotion for most women?

Nancy: Not really. I think it’s a lot like the decision to get married or choose a particular career. Some people feel strongly about being a surrogate, but for others, there’s no impulse to do it.

Question: What advice would you give other women who have the thought, “I want to be a surrogate”?

Nancy: Do your homework. Let the idea sink in. Don’t make any impulsive decisions. Even though it’s safe and can change your life for the better, carrying someone else’s baby is a major decision. If you have a partner, be sure they’re okay with the idea because you’re going to need that support through the pregnancy.

And after a lot of soul-searching and consideration, if you feel like getting more information and moving forward, speak with a counselor at a surrogacy agency. They’ll help you come to the right decision and they shouldn’t pressure you to choose for or against becoming a surrogate.

Two: Myrnah L., surrogate for a young couple.

Question: So, you told us already that this is your third time to be a surrogate. How did you first get interested in the idea?

Myrnah: My situation was that I had completed my own family and just loved the idea of giving birth. So, my husband and I decided that surrogacy would be a wise option.

Question: What about the pregnancy itself? Any complications or second thoughts on your first surrogacy?

Myrnah: No. I viewed the whole thing as an adventure. Yeah, I had up and down days during the pregnancy, but knew what to expect. What I didn’t expect was to give birth to twins. When I learned it was going to be a twin birth, I was thrilled to phone the intended parents and tell them. In their eyes, this was like hitting the jackpot, to put it bluntly.

Surrogacy is still pretty new, and most people don’t know much about it, except for a random article they’ve read online or a movie-of-the-week on cable, or seeing a documentary. There’s a lot of misinformation out there, let me tell you.

Question: Like what?

Myrnah: Don’t get me started! (laughing) I’ve heard it all, all the crazy, uninformed questions. But I’m glad to answer them and dispel the myths and misinformation. I think the more real data and facts people get about surrogacy, the better. So I always bite my lip and answer any questions people ask me.

By far, the most common one is, “Aren’t you sad when you have to ‘give up’ the baby after giving birth?” To that, I just say a flat, “No, I’m not. The emotional bond I feel most is with the intended parents. If you go into the situation with your head on right, you don’t have a deep emotional bond with the baby. Mostly, that’s because you have zero genetic connection with the child. It belongs to someone else.” That’s how I answer that question, and, for sure, it’s the one I hear the most.

Question: What’s the other thing people ask you that makes you kind of wince when you hear it?

Myrnah: Probably this one, which I hear from young people. “Is surrogacy when you get paid for a baby?” That one really gets me going because I’ve known a lot of surrogates from chat rooms and my community, and not one of them looked at the financial compensation as a motivation to get involved with surrogacy.

You know what? All surrogates undergo a thorough financial check, and if they’re not stable in that regard, then they are not considered suitable for the process. And that’s a good thing, because you don’t want people who are money-motivated to become surrogates.

Three: Katherine A., surrogate for a couple.

Question: What was the most difficult part of the surrogacy for you? This was your first time, right?

Katherine: Yes, this past journey was my first, but it won’t be my last because it was such a positive experience. You asked what? “The most difficult part?” Well, even though I’m totally healthy and generally love being pregnant, I’m not a big fan of morning sickness, but that’s just part of the journey. You know, life’s ups and downs and all that stuff.

Question: Do you have a relationship with the couple now?

Katherine: Yes, we’ve stayed pretty close on social media and we get together a couple times per month for lunch. They happen to live nearby. I know some surrogates who never socialize with the intended parents, which is okay. Everybody has their own way of doing things, their own way of being comfortable with surrogacy. I and the parents happen to enjoy each other’s company and share a deep bond that we both appreciate.

Question: When was the first time you ever heard about surrogate mothers?

Katherine: See, I was a child of the 1980s, so I remember all those TV specials and documentaries about “surrogate motherhood,” which was a new thing then and considered very mysterious. But, to tell the truth, when I was in college I saw an internet ad that said, “Work from home jobs for moms,” and wondered what it was all about.

Question: When you look back on that ad, does it seem strange?

Katherine: Oh, wow! Strange is not the word. Crazy is more like it. First off, being a surrogate is not a job, work from home or otherwise. It’s a life choice, and a serious one at that. A work from home job is something like making crafts or preparing tax returns.

Surrogacy is a deeply rewarding, personal experience that brings the gift of life to people who otherwise would not be able to have families. Calling it a job is sort of a joke. Fortunately, there aren’t many of those ads today because we have reputable surrogacy agencies to match women up with people who want to start their own families.

Four: Loretto K., surrogate for a single man.

Question: You chose to help a single man become a father and start his own family. How did you make that choice?

Loretto: Well, the agency showed me several profiles of people they thought I would be interested in helping, based on what I had filled out on my own written interview form. This man had been married for two years, but his wife passed away as a result of breast cancer. He had waited a few years and decided the time was right to have a child, but he decided that marriage wasn’t for him. He wanted to raise a child by himself, at least for now.

Question: So, it was his personal story that compelled you to help carry the child?

Loretto: Yes. He used eggs from a family friend and the resulting embryo was implanted in me. I had a relatively uneventful pregnancy, and now he’s the very proud, happy father of a baby girl, whom he named after his deceased wife.

Question: Do you think you’ll be a surrogate again?

Loretto: I’m not sure. For me, it’s all about timing, feeling like I want to carry a child, and finding just the right situation where I think I can truly help someone who wants a family. Maybe in a year or two I’ll give it another go. The agency I work with is really great. Whenever I contact them and say, “What have you got?” they show me a few profiles and I think about it. But so far, for the past year, I haven’t even looked at any intended parent profiles because I just feel like taking a pause for a year or so.

Question: What would you say to women, single or married, who are considering carrying a baby for someone else?

Loretto: First things first. Get informed. Find out how the process works. Speak with someone at an agency and learn about the mechanics of the process. That sort of makes it real for you, and you start to absorb the idea that, yes, there are lots of people out there who can’t start their own families and are willing to hire someone to carry a baby for them. It’s actually quite a beautiful, wonderful thing that there are agencies who can match those folks up with women who are willing to carry someone else’s baby.

Question: Any warnings?

Loretto: If you decide to move forward, get expert help through a licensed organization, a respected agency that has experience doing matches and following through with the intended parents and the surrogates. The key thing to look at is whether the agency you work with takes good care of you while you’re pregnant and is available 24/7 with answers, medical support connections, and whatever you need.

Carrying someone else’s baby is a big responsibility, but it’s also a life-changing process. At least it was for me. I have a whole new respect for parents and families now, even more than I did before I helped a widower have the family he always dreamed of having.

All About Surrogacy

Andrea Hoshmand Mcafee

Andrea is the Founder and Director of the Surrogacy Center of Philadelphia. She entered the world of assisted reproduction over twenty years ago as a three-time egg donor. The experience profoundly impacted her, and she maintains contact with her recipient families to this day. Andrea started the Hawaii Surrogacy Center, which is the leading provider of surrogacy services in her home state. Upon relocating to Pennsylvania, she sought to provide the same warm and highly personalized service to families in the Greater Philadelphia region.

What is the right thing to do if a child is being bullied at school?

On Children's Day we tell how to protect children from bullying

The word "bullying" began to appear in the media not so long ago. Although the phenomenon itself is far from new. Bullying occurred among children and adolescents in different years. Aggressive and sometimes cruel behavior of children became the subject of reflections of writers and filmmakers. Suffice it to recall "A Clockwork Orange" by Burgess, "Lord of the Flies" by Golding or the film "Scarecrow", well known to the Russian audience.

According to various data, from 36 to 51% of schoolchildren faced harassment and bullying. The most common form of bullying was insults - 77%. In 61% of cases, aggression took the form of humiliation, in 24% - physical violence, in 11% of cases bullying was recorded on a video camera, and 25% of bullying situations took place on the Internet.

On Children's Day, together with the "Together Against Bullying" project, TASS tells how to protect a child from persecution.

Most often bullied is the one who is somehow different from the majority: physically (different skin color, eye shape, build), unusual way of dressing, lack of fashionable clothes or gadgets, someone who thinks too independently. Even an incomplete family can become a reason to start bullying. Closed children often suffer, who have few friends, children at home who do not know how to communicate in a team, and in general, everyone whose behavior does not look like the behavior of the offender.

It is not necessary to correct any features of the child. This will be perceived by the offenders as a sign of weakness and low self-esteem, which means it will only prove that their actions affect something. In addition, if you wish, you can get to the bottom of any person, because each of us is different from the others.

Ideally, of course, it is better to learn about this from your child. This requires a trusting relationship so that the child feels your sincere interest not only in his grades, but also in his feelings and sensations. To the template questions "How are you at school?" and "Does anyone offend you there?" the child is unlikely to answer sincerely. Ask with whom the child sits together, did he play with someone at school, is he interested in the lessons and at school in general, does he like his class. These questions will help your child understand that you are sincerely interested in what he cares about.

If there is no relationship in which the student can, without embarrassment, without fear of harsh comments, tantrums and tears, the phrase "it's his own fault," tell you what worries him, there are several signs by which bullying can be suspected:

Bruises and scratches, the appearance of which the child cannot clearly explain, says that he does not remember, etc.
The child often "loses" or "spoils" things that he brings to school, brings broken equipment from school.
The child is looking for an excuse not to go to school, pretending to be sick.
The child does not eat at school, and in general his eating behavior changes.
Academic performance decreases, interest in studies is lost.
Emotional depression, withdrawal, low self-esteem, nightmares, insomnia.

First, bullying can turn into a form of physical violence, that is, lead to injuries. The second danger is harder to notice, but no less serious. This is a severe emotional state that can lead to very tragic consequences, and psychological trauma. The object of bullying forms complexes. The child begins to believe that he deserved a bad attitude towards himself, to think that the reason for what is happening is in him. Bullying forms anxiety disorders, phobias, depression, and a feeling of loneliness.

Bullying interferes with learning, the child has no time for classes: he would like to survive at school.

Those who have gone through rejection of the collective remember this all their lives. Whether bullying turns into trips to a psychologist and problems with communication in adulthood depends largely on the correct behavior of adults. If school teachers could not immediately stop bullying in the team, then parental intervention is necessary.

At some point, offenders can really fall behind, but it is not a fact that by this time something will remain of self-esteem and self-respect. Therefore, the situation requires the intervention of adults.

In a conversation with the child, explain that it is not his fault, and only weak people choose the methods of attack and violence.

Natalia Tsymbalenko, a mother who stopped bullying against her son, describes how to prepare for defending her child, including in court:

, information about beatings).
Contact the class teacher, school psychologist, parents of students who have perpetrated bullying. Talk about the situation, come up with a plan of action.
If the phrase "Children have to figure it out themselves" sounds, but it was not possible to find a common language and the situation does not change, contact a psychologist for a conclusion about the serious psychological condition and moral harm that the child received. It is important to understand that a psychologist must have a license, then his opinion will matter in court.
Start writing complaints. First, to the school in the name of the director. If it didn’t help, to the commission on juvenile affairs of the district government, to the governing council of the school and to the inspector for juvenile affairs.
If it doesn't help, complain about the inaction of representatives of state institutions to the department of education, the prosecutor's office, the commissioner for human rights in the city.
At the same time, it is necessary to create a public outcry - it will force the authorities to stir and help the parents of the "buller" to understand that the attitude to the situation needs to be reconsidered. Write posts on social networks, contact journalists and media that cover social topics.

In any case, the "case" must be completed to the end in order to stop new cases of bullying and to give your child the impression that the situation was resolved in his favor.

Show that you are always on the side of the child and are ready to help him, deal with difficulties to the end, even if it is not easy. The phrases "be patient, it will pass by itself", "to blame" and "find a common language with the guys" should not be.
Naturally, the child is afraid of offenders and teachers, who can punish him for breaking the norms of behavior if he fights back or complains. He needs to know that you will support him. Tell him that his self-respect is more important than the opinion of classmates and the dissatisfaction of teachers.
If the child is shy and insecure, think about what will help him feel differently. It may be useful for him to take up sports (for example, fencing) to feel confident. This requires practical confirmation of its significance, that is, achievements.
Do whatever you can to help your child build self-esteem. Study the literature on this topic, talk to experts.

First, consider whether your behavior has become a model that the child is simply imitating. If you do not have the habit of spanking a child for wrongdoings, you do not speak negatively about his teachers and classmates, do not insult the waiter or taxi driver for an oversight, perhaps the child behaves this way, falling under the influence of his friends. Also, some studies show that teenagers can become more aggressive when playing violent computer games. While this topic is controversial, parents should be aware of the amount of abusive material that a child is exposed to through TV, movies, or games.

It is very important for parents of emotional children prone to anger and rage to learn to accept them in a state of aggression, anger, rage.

It is important to recognize that this feeling exists. "You are angry. What makes you impatient and angry? How can I help you?" - calling feelings by their proper names, you will help a teenager understand what is happening to him, what he is going through.

Often shows cruelty towards others.
Engages in verbal altercations or fights.
Turns out to be in the director's office or has been brought to the police.
Has extra money or new things that he cannot explain.
Easily involved in blaming others.
Takes no responsibility for his actions.
Has friends who bully others.
Has a need to win or be the best at everything.

The problem of bullying should not be hushed up either in a single class or school, or in society as a whole. Public attention is very important in dealing with such issues. In March, Alena Popova's all-Russian campaign "Together Against Bullying" began, designed to unite experts, psychologists, parents, famous cultural and show business figures, opinion leaders who have faced or have faced bullying. The project also combines methods and recommendations for combating bullying.

Daria Burlakova

I don’t love my child

It’s not accepted to say that motherhood may not bring joy, while many women experience postpartum depression and emotional burnout, raise children alone and become isolated from the outside world. We talked to heroines who do not feel happy as a mother and do not feel love for their children.

"I hate motherhood for having to constantly sacrifice myself for others"

Maria's story

36 years old, lives in St. Petersburg, three children: the eldest is five years old, the middle one is three years old, the youngest is one year old

At the age of sixteen, Maria left her parents for Moscow. Having entered the university, she began to engage in hiking and outdoor activities. In the summer, she led excursions around Solovki. The rest - traveled to different countries. This went on for fifteen years. And all this time, Maria did not think about children at all. But seven years ago, she decided to stay in Solovki for the winter - one woman offered to live in her house for free, and Maria agreed. There she met her future husband, four months later they got married, and Maria became pregnant almost immediately. At that time, she was deeply immersed in Orthodoxy, so she had thoughts about her family and children. But at the same time, both marriage and the first child, as the heroine now understands, were rash, spontaneous events.

Two years before her pregnancy, Maria had a very active life, she did yoga, sports, swam in an ice hole, skied. “I was in excellent physical shape. Apparently, the Lord gave me these two years of breathing room. Now I’m in terrible shape, I’m practically falling apart,” she says.

After giving birth, Maria didn't have time to get euphoric or depressed - she immediately returned to work, started moving and doing other things. Depression covered her later - six months later, when she began to stay alone with the child: “My husband was at work from 7 am to 8 pm, with one day off. I sat with the child all day long. All my childless friends have safely forgotten about me, as if I had ceased to exist. And that was the hardest part: the endless routine, my son's colic and bad sleep."

The husband always helped as much as possible - he, as Maria says, is one of the helping husbands. But still, the family lived according to the traditional distribution of roles: the man goes to work, the woman stays with the children. “Everyone thinks that this is the norm,” says Maria. - They constantly told me: "What are you complaining about, you are sitting at home with one child. " In fact, it's hard, because I'm not in my life, there is only a child . As soon as I turn away, he starts squeaking. As soon as I start doing my own business, he immediately requires attention.

According to Daria Utkina, a psychologist, doula and the author of the Take Care of Yourself project, the standards and expectations from mothers in the modern world are much higher compared to those in the 20th century. Now they have to not only try hard, but also in no case go too far in their desire to be a good mother in the stream of intensive motherhood. And being just a housewife is no longer enough. At the same time, there are fewer and fewer traditional support practices: in many countries, gardens and nannies are expensive, decrees are short, and a normal family income should consist of two salaries. It often happens that grandparents are far away, there is no help, plus the city is not intended for children. “Against this background, it is difficult for women in the 21st century not to notice how dramatically expectations from them and reality do not coincide. Or they have to put in too much effort to meet these expectations,” Daria explains.

“Modern motherhood is becoming more and more diverse,” says sociologist Olga Savinskaya. - On the one hand, there is one trend for modernization - the desire for equality, changing the established roles in the family, a sense of the trends of the future. But in parallel with this, a conservative ideology is advancing to preserve the traditions and foundations that successfully existed in the past. People who share conservative principles consider them time-tested and therefore true. Seeing different practices and values of parenthood around them, the younger generation is becoming more reflective: they are more and more thinking and making choices about how to build relationships with a spouse and a child. Therefore, instead of following traditions, they begin to follow their own individual path. It is this reflection that prompts public talk that motherhood is not easy and simple, it is hellish work . Women are talking more and more about how physically difficult it is: to endure, not sleep, to be on the alert, to always remain positive towards a little person who still does not know how to take into account the needs of mother and father

Thoughts that Mary is tired of motherhood, finally came along with the third child. Three days before she found out she was pregnant, she sold her travel company. Left without support and being physically exhausted, Maria began to think about abortion, despite her religious beliefs. “We left everything and flew with my family to Thailand because I wanted to run away. There I already had toxicosis, and I physically felt that I was a child. And, of course, there could be no thought of any abortion.” Maria recalls that at that time she felt only confusion and fear for the future: “I thought what I would do with three children?! Only on the horizon appeared a way out to people, and here again these rags and diapers.

Maria never keeps her emotions to herself. She can send the children to another room, if she needs to mind her own business, she can shout. The husband condemns her: he does not like that she can sit on the phone instead of playing with the children, he does not accept when they raise their voice at the children. “If I'm tired or I need to be alone, I can even say it in a rude way. Unlike my husband, he endures to the last. He thinks that everything is for children. But I don’t: first I will eat myself, and then I will feed them. This is my burnout valve. I will send everyone if I want to sleep. I won't play with them. I don't know if this is good or bad. But I am quite open in my manifestations, even if this behavior is not accepted in society.”

“Most often, mothers experience burnout in Western countries where there is individualism, where women are more independent: the USA, Canada, European countries. The United States has the most burnout mothers,” says psychologist Alena Prihidko. - Of course, when a woman is tired, in particular, from trying to strive to meet the standards of a good mother and constantly worrying about her child, this leads to the fact that the mother is on the verge of exhaustion. And when you are exhausted, it is very difficult to feel the feeling of love.”

There are no statistics on maternal burnout in Russia. But Daria Utkina explains that out of the 1.5 million births that occur in the country every year, approximately 300 thousand women experience postpartum depression. About the same number, according to the first studies, experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after childbirth. Another part of them were extremely tired and burnt out. These are not separate groups, many are faced with everything at once, but someone gets one thing.

It is difficult for Mary to be a mother, because her children do not allow her to live the life to which she is accustomed and which brought her pleasure. But at the same time, she tries not to blame the children for this. “I love my children, but I hate motherhood,” Maria says. “Children touch me with their faces, stupid actions and funny jokes. I hate motherhood as such - for the need to constantly sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.

“I was terribly tired of sitting at home with them, playing these stupid games, cleaning up after them. Everyday life also plays a big role in this, because endless cleaning, which has no gratitude or feedback, is tiring.

You do everything automatically, like the attendants of your children. It's hard for me to get emotionally involved in them. The older one wants to tell me something, the middle one wants to hear how beautiful she is, the younger one just needs physical contact. And it turns out that I'm fucked up and constantly touched by them."

Maria is sure that it will never be easier for her . Perhaps it will become easier when the children grow up, but there will be other problems, for example, financial ones. All those close to her told her that it was hard only up to a year, and then it gradually became easier. But she doesn't feel it.

“When I tell my mother that I hate my children, she replies: “Mash, these are your children. All this will pass, don't think about it." For some reason, we have such an attitude towards the feelings of mothers. That's it, you gave birth - be patient. They were sitting with you, and now you are sitting."

Among the different range of emotions that mothers experience, hatred is the most noticeable. “Any mother has an attitude that she must constantly feel love for her children,” says Alena Prihidko. - And for the first time, when she experiences a feeling of dislike, this event becomes very bright and frightening for her. She begins to analyze it for a long time and as a result can come to a variety of conclusions. Like thinking she's a bad mother."

“Now I'm trying to accept motherhood,” Maria says. Realize that for at least another fifteen years they will be children. I try not to forbid myself to feel all the emotions that I have. Perhaps this will help me become a full-fledged mother, and I will stop running away from my motherhood.

“You don't have to tell me this will pass.

It’s not going well for me”

Olga’s story

37 years old, lives in the USA, the eldest son is three years old, the youngest is one

“ When women say that it’s hard for them, it means that it’s hard for them . There is no need to say that everyone has it, ”says Olga, mother of two boys. She gave birth to her first son at 34. The boy has a suspicion of Asperger's syndrome (AS), which is expressed in problems of communication and social behavior, with an accompanying sensory integration dysfunction (this is a condition in which signals from different senses are not organized into an adequate behavioral response. - Note ed. .). He does not feel hungry until he has stomach pains. He does not understand when he wants to go to the toilet, he is afraid of loud sounds. Despite the fact that he can talk, he expresses his desires and negative feelings through hysteria, aggression or auto-aggression (causing psychological or physical harm to himself. - Note ed. ).

Before the birth of her son, Olga worked with children and knew that it was hard, that parenthood meant certain efforts and sacrifices. She understood that titanic work was behind the upbringing of a child, but at the same time she liked the children.

Immediately after giving birth, Olga did not feel the euphoria that many women talk about: “I only had a feeling of relief that it was finally over. Not to say that the birth was very difficult. I gave birth at home with a midwife. But the process itself was terrible. And when he was born, I exhaled." In the first two weeks, Olga started having problems with breastfeeding. The child was constantly crying and slept very little. Up to seven months, she remembers only the constant cry of her son, there are practically no other memories. Then, when the baby learned to crawl, it became a little easier.

One of the manifestations of AS is lack of attachment. “It is hard to raise a child who is not attached to you. This is a very big problem. My son can run away at any moment, he can be cold and distant when communicating with me - he doesn’t look into my eyes, doesn’t smile, doesn’t hug. Until the age of three, he screamed a lot. All his emotions were expressed through op. Imagine that there is a screaming person next to you all the time. He does not communicate with you in a different way, only through op. In our house, the glass is ringing from his screams. With him, as with no other, the proverb is true: what you sow, so you reap. And you need to sow a lot there.”

There were bright moments when the son behaved less anxiously. Sometimes it lasted for two or three weeks. Then Olga and her husband woke up with hope that everything could work out. But each time everything started anew: “ This is being in constant slavery . Your needs do not exist at all: neither to eat, nor to go to the toilet, nor to sleep - everything is ignored at any time of the day or night.

Olga had no help: up to a year she sat with her son all day long. The husband was at work during the day, grandparents did not help: “In the evenings, after work, the husband connected to the care of his son. He was very tired, he also began to burn out. As a result, we accumulated irritation with each other.” Olga tried her best to calm her son down, but there came a moment when her strength was running out. Then she simply went to another room to exhale herself, then returned and again consoled the baby for hours. When the baby learned to walk, Olga began to close herself in the bathroom with headphones. Almost none of her relatives could just listen and support her, everyone tried to give advice, insisting that "everything will soon pass." Olga was always very annoyed by this: “You don’t need to tell me that this will pass. It doesn't work for me. Yes, it becomes easier in some ways, but harder in some ways. In my case, in order for something to change for the better, constant titanic work is needed. I just want to be listened to: no comments, no evaluation, no advice. ”

Mothers often experience devaluation of their experiences. At the same time, it is difficult to achieve empathy from the source of experiences - a child. “Moms need to learn to sympathize with themselves on their own,” says Alena Prihidko. - There is no point in waiting for sympathy from children - they are at a completely different level of development and are not capable of this until a certain age.

It is important to give yourself understanding and support. You can take care of yourself by talking to yourself the way you would talk to the person you love.

Or maybe even think about the fact that along with you, hundreds of thousands of mothers also experience the same feelings and get tired. In such cases, people are needed who can listen, give warmth and support. People who will help create a space where you can pour out your pain without being judgmental.”

Olga recalls that she was full of strength before childbirth and entered the role of mother with a good psychological resource. But a few months later, burnout began, followed by postpartum depression: “I keep everything in myself, I tried to work with a psychologist, but, unfortunately, it was unsuccessful. And my anger turns into auto-aggression. If I experience severe stress, then I begin to harm myself - I can open my fingers to the point of blood, for example: this calms me down. I won't cut my hands, of course. But some obsessive movements calm me down.”

When the baby was two months old, Olga kissed him on the cheek, and he began to cry because of this. Over time, she realized that it was impossible to hug her son again, because it was unpleasant for him. “He didn’t smile at us. Imagine that an aggressor has appeared in our life, how can we love him ?

All the time Olga was internally struggling with herself, experiencing constant emotional swings — from pity to hatred: “It seems that I’m about to squeeze myself a little and I’m definitely going to love him. It seems you hold on, hold on - and fall down again. You scold yourself for not working out." At the same time, Olga responsibly treats her mother's duties: she spends a lot of time on classes with her son and education, does without screaming and punishment.

When the youngest son was born in Olga's family, the eldest became jealous. She was afraid to leave the children alone in the room, even for a couple of minutes, because she knew that the eldest son could harm the youngest. He could run up and hit the kid with his head on his head. “I was blown away by the tower at such moments, I was ready to just strangle him right away and throw him out the window,” says Olga.

Almost all mothers have an attitude that children should be loved, Alena Prihidko explains. We are living people, and we can have a variety of emotions in relation to children. When mothers begin to scourge themselves for negative emotions, they enter a vicious circle: they got angry with the child, scolded him, and then themselves for being a bad mother. “Love is an emotion, all emotions are short-term, that is, they cannot last long. They last for tens of seconds, and then replace each other,” says Prihidko. - Love is the same emotion as shame, joy, fear. And it's impossible to love a child 100% of the time. It is difficult for a tired mother to experience a feeling of love, because against the background of burnout, she has other feelings. When a child is the main cause of fatigue, then in relation to him, the mother can experience completely different emotions, including negative ones. For example, as the psychologist explains, anger is an absolutely normal negative reaction of a mother in a situation where a child does not obey because his behavior creates an obstacle for her. Anger arises when we want to change the way the other person thinks, and we want them to start thinking differently. If someone does not respect us, we get angry because we want to change it. The second common reason is injustice. And parents feel injustice all the time: they do a lot for children, but they do not appreciate it and do not reciprocate, because they are not yet capable of it.

Now, three years later, Olga admits that she was able to accept her son: “The theory of attachment helped me a lot. Even his behavior began to improve little by little. You can leave your husband, you can not communicate with your parents, but you can’t get away from the child. He was already born, already exists, even if you left him somewhere and abandoned him (which I can’t imagine at all), he still exists somewhere, and you bear this responsibility. You can divorce your husband and after a couple of years you no longer know where he is and what he is. It won't work with a child."

Many psychologists who specialize in motherhood work with attachment theory. It boils down to the fact that an adult takes full care of a child until the child can take care of himself. When an adult develops attachment, he feels responsible for the child - this helps the parent not only take care of the child and help him, but also enjoy this process. At the same time, attachment does not have to be associated with love. According to this theory, a child who receives enough care from an adult becomes independent more quickly.

When asked if Olga loves her son, she honestly answers: “During the first three years, I sincerely admitted to myself that I did not love my son. But I always wanted to love him.

Communicated with friends, asked for advice. I realized that many people are sailing in the same boat, they just do not admit it to themselves. In society, it is not customary to talk about the dislike of parents, especially mothers, for children.

“I would like society, especially in Russia, to reconsider their attitude towards mothers and motherhood,” says Olga. - This attitude "has given birth - stay at home" is felt in everything. Not everywhere there are changing tables, not everywhere there are places for a child, not everywhere you and your children are welcome at all. And the phrase "everyone is like that" is annoying. I remember that my girlfriends constantly told me: "Well, what are you doing, children - this is such a joy. " And I thought that something was wrong with me, that I was so flawed. And it turns out that society sometimes hammers the last nail into the coffin. I think that I could have accepted my son much earlier if there were more caring people in my environment.”

“Sometimes I just want her to be gone”

Anna’s story (name changed at the request of the heroine)

41 years old, lives in Moscow, two children: the eldest daughter is fifteen years old, the youngest son is two

“There are problems in any motherhood, but when you raise a child without love for him, this is a prison,” says Anna. She gave birth to her first daughter at the age of 26 - due to problems with the reproductive cycle, the woman was sure that she would not be able to conceive a child without appropriate treatment. Therefore, the news of pregnancy came as a surprise to her.

“I had a severe stomach ache, I couldn't wear tight clothing. And I thought I had a tumor or cancer. In such a state of terrible horror, I went to the doctor, and they told me that I was in my ninth week, ”says the woman. By that time, Anna was already thinking about parenthood, although she did not plan to become a mother in the near future. But she did not have any thoughts about abortion - she knew that in this case, she had too high a chance to be left without children at all.

Anna broke up with the father of the child at that time. He was younger, she did not have serious feelings for him. But after the news of the pregnancy, they got together, began to live together and soon got married. At that time, Anna was studying at a party at Moscow State University and she did not want to quit her studies. My husband's mother came to the rescue - she took over all the main duties of caring for the child and around the house.

Almost the entire pregnancy, Anna and her husband were expecting a boy — this was shown by several ultrasounds done in different clinics. But in the seventh month, they suddenly found out that there would be a girl: “It seems that I then cried for a week. That is, yes, I realized that I have a living healthy girl in my stomach. But I mourned my boy. It may seem ridiculous, but at that moment it was a tragedy for my mind.”

“The birth was very difficult,” recalls Anna. - The doctor wanted to perform a caesarean section on me, although there were no indications for him. And I wanted to give birth myself. As a result, the process still did not go in the most natural way. I was alone, frightened, I was in pain: I lay under a drip at night, and the doctor went to bed. And when she woke up, the child already had hypoxia. Everyone immediately ran, took me to the operating room, and the doctor on the way said: "Well, I told you."

Due to complications, Anna was only able to see her daughter three days after the birth. Against the background of all the other children, Sophia (name changed) for Anna was the most beautiful - the baby had smooth skin and long eyelashes. But the woman did not feel the feeling of closeness: “It seemed that she was simply given to me. A very pretty, cute baby. But what about me, it was not clear. There was no connection between us and no feeling that I was somehow involved in her appearance .

After arriving home, the feeling of alienation towards her daughter only intensified. According to Anna, the grandmother wanted a daughter all her life, and therefore she was extremely happy with her granddaughter. At some point, Anna felt like a guide through which Sophia came into the world for her grandmother and father. Since her grandmother practically took on the role of a mother, Anna was able to quickly return to her ordinary life - to study and work - without spending a lot of time caring for the child.

According to Daria Utkina, a mother can have a feeling of alienation towards a child for various reasons. The most common of them: unwanted child or unexpected pregnancy, pregnancy due to violence, prolonged separation from the child, when someone else becomes the main adult for him, emotional burnout, severe fatigue, depression (not necessarily postpartum). Sometimes a feeling of alienation towards a child can be a manifestation of a feeling of alienation in relation to any relatives in general. Most often, the formation of such an attitude is influenced by several factors at once, related both to the emotional state of the mother and her experience, and to the circumstances in which she finds herself.

Sophia grew up very sensitive. Anna recalls that when her daughter was a child, any difficulty immediately made her hysterical. “It annoyed me to the point of shaking, to hatred. When she screamed hysterically non-stop over some little thing, I yelled, "Get this away from me."

When Sophia grew up, Anna began to understand that her and her daughter's feelings were mutual: her daughter also did not give her as much warmth as her grandmother. Watching how her husband's mother treats her child - with unconditional love and acceptance - and comparing this with her attitude, Anna began to think that she was a bad mother: "I always thought that I was a mother-shit - and I have a child that's why he's so hysterical. I constantly had thoughts that I should give it somewhere. I thought, let her grandmother adopt her, because I cope very badly with her. I am horrified when they leave me alone with a child.”

“I don't love her, it's hard for me, I'm not interested. At some point, I just wish it wasn't there. She does not bring me anything good, but at the same time she takes a lot of things from me, ”says Anna.

She admits that there were times when she wanted to harm her daughter by screaming or spanking, while knowing full well that these are unacceptable methods of education.

From an early age, the grandmother began to take the child on vacation to Moldova, where she had a dacha. Anna loved this time and did not suffer in separation from her daughter. When Sophia was ten years old, her parents divorced. “After the divorce, I had a real depression, but there was a very biased attitude towards psychiatry. I thought I could handle it myself, but I did it very badly,” says the heroine. Grandmother then moved to Crimea, built a house there and offered to take her granddaughter for the summer. Anna immediately agreed, because she was sure that her grandmother in Crimea is much better than her mother, who is struggling with depression, and her father, who cannot decide how to live on.

Sofia has left. First for the summer, and then her grandmother invited her to stay for another couple of months of warm autumn. As a result, winter came, Sofia went to school, then enrolled in an art school. Every time Anna asked her daughter if she wanted to return home, the girl answered that she would stay with her grandmother for a little longer. As a result, through joint discussions, it was decided that the daughter would come to visit Anna several times a year.

“This feeling of alienation does not go away, and I am not sure that it will ever go away. My daughter is an unkind, unempathetic child. With age, everything becomes easier, simply because she becomes more independent. You can negotiate with her, you can switch to some other business. There is no longer such a total dependence. But love does not suddenly arise, ”says Anna. She also remembers the bright moments spent with her daughter, when it seemed to her that they were getting closer. And the moments when Anna felt love towards her daughter. But, according to her, this feeling is very fragile. And when another conflict happens, emotional kickbacks happen very quickly.

This is exactly what happened on my daughter's last visit. When Sophia arrives in Moscow, she lives with Anna, her husband and younger brother, whom she, according to the heroine, is jealous of. Once Sophia wanted to meet her dad, she and Anna agreed that during the day her daughter would do housework, and in the evening she would go to her dad. But it turned out that only one key remained at home. As soon as Anna told her daughter about this, she immediately burst into tears, called her father and said in hysterics that her mother was locking her at home. The ex-husband called Anna and threatened the police if she did not immediately let the child out of the house. “I was shaking and pounding all over, I let her go to my dad. And in a couple of days, through my grandmother, I find out that the daughter is going to live with her father, ”the woman says.

After this situation, Anna wrote a post in a Facebook group for mothers asking for advice on what to do when the child's father threatens the police. She described her story in detail, and in 15 minutes, fifty angry comments appeared under the post that Anna was a disgusting mother, and her daughter was very unlucky.

Anna admits that they do not feel guilty, although she has a feeling that she should have felt it: “A mother who deviates and does not comply with some traditions and norms will be condemned. The fact that I gave my daughter to my grandmother automatically makes me a monster, and hers an unhappy and poor child. But if I grew her on my own, killing my and her psyche, would that be right?

“Women regret motherhood in different ways,” explains Daria Utkina. “There are quite a few who experience only this feeling. More often these are ambivalent experiences: and regret, and love, and anger, and joy. And this is what happens the hardest. Because many people think that motherhood is only happiness, and it is strange and bad to experience all other feelings .

It is very important for modern mothers to know that it is normal to be angry with a child or regret that with the appearance of a child in life there is less freedom and more responsibilities.

Anna has completely different feelings for her youngest son. Despite the fact that the birth was much more difficult, Anna lost a lot of blood and ended up in intensive care. But when she saw her son, she immediately felt a connection that she did not feel with her eldest daughter: “There were completely different feelings. Engagement immediately appeared: I knew this was my child, I gave birth to him.

Now Anna regrets that she cannot have the same feelings for her daughter. She worries that her daughter cannot be close to her in the same way as with her grandmother. But she is sure that she has chosen the best layout for herself and for her.

Anna believes that involvement in a child is a guarantee of happy motherhood: “When you have it, even if it’s hard for you, you understand why you endure all this. And if there is no inclusion, then this is hard labor - you just have to wait until the child grows up, goes into adulthood, and you become free. And there are no guarantees that this involvement will arise in every mother. This violation of chemistry can appear at any time. And it is not clear what mothers should do in such situations. Knowing the theory of attachment and understanding that the child will not always be like this helped me a lot, she will grow up and change. And in general, understanding the psychology of childhood and upbringing can help reduce the level of adverse interaction with the child. Now I know how to make our relationship less traumatic and more acceptable, so that I myself can sow the ground for the healthy development of my child.