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Loss of baby during pregnancy


Pregnancy and Infant Loss | CDC

The loss of a baby during pregnancy remains a sad reality for many families. Learn what the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is doing to understand the preventable causes of stillbirth. Read Milan’s story, as told by his mother Karina, about their family’s experience with the loss of a child through stillbirth.

What is Stillbirth?

A stillbirth is the death of a baby before or during delivery. Both miscarriage and stillbirth describe pregnancy loss, but they differ according to when the loss occurs. In the United States, a miscarriage is usually defined as loss of a baby before the 20th week of pregnancy, and a stillbirth is loss of a baby at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later.

How Many Babies Are Stillborn?

About 1 pregnancy in 100 at 20 weeks of pregnancy and later is affected by stillbirth, and each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.1


Each year about 24,000 babies are stillborn in the United States.

Milan’s Story

Karina was 39 weeks pregnant, expecting to give birth to her baby Milan.

Karina was healthy throughout her pregnancy. She saw a doctor regularly and did all of the normal testing and ultrasounds. Both the doctor and head midwife thought everything was fine.

During a check-up, one of Karina’s midwives listened for Milan’s heartbeat. Karina was in a room with her two midwives, her husband, a nurse, and an ultrasound technician. It was quiet as they listened for a heartbeat. They could not hear anything. Her husband and healthcare providers sat with Karina as she cried. Karina was 39 weeks pregnant when she learned that her baby had died. Karina was scared, but she knew that she had to deliver the baby or she risked her own life as well.

Karina was induced and she gave birth at home. She was grateful to give birth at home with people who loved her and treated her with great kindness.
Karina and her husband went on to have another child, named Phoenix, who gives their family great joy.

CDC thanks Karina and her family for sharing this personal story.

What Can Be Done?

The causes of many stillbirths are unknown. Stillbirth occurs in families of all races, ethnicities, and income levels, and to women of all ages. But there are things that a woman can do before and during pregnancy to increase her chance of having a healthy baby:

  • Be sure that medical conditions, such as high blood pressure and diabetes, are under control before and during pregnancy.
  • Avoid smoking cigarettes during pregnancy.
  • Strive to reach and maintain a healthy weight before pregnancy.

CDC works to learn more about who might have a stillbirth and why. CDC tracks how often stillbirth occurs and looks at the causes of stillbirth. Knowledge about the potential causes of stillbirth can be used to create recommendations, policies, and services to help prevent stillbirth.

To learn more about CDC’s activities, visit the Stillbirth CDC Activities page.

  1. MacDorman MF, Gregory EC. Fetal and perinatal mortality: United States, 2013. National vital statistics reports: from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, National Center for Health Statistics, National Vital Statistics System. 2015; 64(8):1-24.

Why we need to talk about losing a baby

Why we need to talk about losing a baby
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    • Why we need to talk about losing a baby

    Why we need to talk about losing a baby

    WHO/M. Purdie

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    Losing a baby in pregnancy through miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo subject worldwide, linked to stigma and shame. Many women still do not receive appropriate and respectful care when their baby dies during pregnancy or childbirth.     Here, we share your stories from around the globe.

    Miscarriage is the most common reason for losing a baby during pregnancy. Estimates vary, although March of Dimes, an organization that works on maternal and child health, indicates a miscarriage rate of 10-15% in women who knew they were pregnant. Pregnancy loss is defined differently around the world, but in general a baby who dies before 28 weeks of pregnancy is referred to as a miscarriage, and babies who die at or after 28 weeks are stillbirths. Every year, nearly 2 million babies are stillborn, and many of these deaths are preventable. However, miscarriages and stillbirths are not systematically recorded, even in developed countries, suggesting that the numbers could be even higher.

    Around the world, women have varied access to healthcare services, and hospitals and clinics in many countries are very often under-resourced and understaffed. As varied as the experience of losing a baby may be, around the world, stigma, shame and guilt emerge as common themes. As these first-person accounts show, women who lose their babies are made to feel that should stay silent about their grief, either because miscarriage and stillbirth are still so common, or because they are perceived to be unavoidable.

    Jessica Zucker, clinical psychologist and writer, USA

    "As a clinical psychologist, I specialise in women's reproductive and maternal mental health and have done so for over a decade. It wasn't until I experienced this 16-week miscarriage first-hand that I could truly grasp the anguish and the circuitousness of grief I had heard my patients speak of for so many years. After my miscarriage, I poured over the research which shows that a majority of women report experiencing feelings of shame, self-blame and guilt following pregnancy loss. "

    Jessica's story

    All of this takes an enormous toll on women. Many women who lose a baby in pregnancy can go on to develop mental health issues that last for months or years– even when they have gone on to have healthy babies. 

    Cultural and societal attitudes to losing a baby can vary tremendously around the globe. In sub-Saharan Africa, a common belief is that a baby might be stillborn because of witchcraft or evil spirits.

    Larai, 44, pharmacist, Nigeria

    “Coping with my miscarriage was traumatic. The medical staff contributed a lot to my grief despite the fact that I am a doctor too. The other issue is the cultural attitude. In most traditional African cultures, people think you can lose a baby because of a curse or witchcraft. Here, child loss is surrounded by stigma because some people believe there is something wrong with a woman who has had recurrent losses, that she may have been promiscuous, and so the loss is seen as a punishment from God. "

    Larai’s story

     

    People, especially those with high profiles, are taking to social media to share their experiences, like in the case of Kimberly Van Der Beek and her husband, actor James Van Der Beek, best known for his role in American television series Dawson’s Creek. The couple recently shared a heartfelt post on Instagram where they opened up about the painful process of suffering multiple miscarriages — and then learning how to move past it.

    Kimberly Van Der Beek, USA

    "I’ve had three miscarriages, all around 10 weeks gestation. I let them all happen naturally. I had a loving husband, a compassionate birthing team and I felt spiritually grounded about them. And even in the best of circumstances, I was devastated every single time. After one of them I sat in the shower crying for almost five hours. What I find disheartening is that not all women, or fathers for that matter, are treated with the same compassion or have support during this gut wrenching time".

    Kimberly's story

    There are many reasons why a miscarriage may happen, including fetal abnormalities, the age of the mother, and infections, many of which are preventable such as malaria and syphilis, though pinpointing the exact reason is often challenging.

    General advice on preventing miscarriage focuses on eating healthily, exercising, avoiding smoking, drugs and alcohol, limiting caffeine, controlling stress, and being of a healthy weight. This places the emphasis on lifestyle factors, which, in the absence of specific answers, can lead to women feeling guilty that they have caused their miscarriage.

    Lisa, 40, marketing manager, UK

    “I’ve had four miscarriages. Each time it happens, a piece of you dies. The most traumatic was the first one. We were so excited about our new baby. But when we went in for the 12-week scan, I was told I had a missed miscarriage, also called a silent miscarriage, which meant the baby died a long time ago but my body hadn't showed any signs. I was devastated. I also couldn’t believe that they were going to just send me home with my dead baby inside me, and no advice about what to do."

    Lisa’s story

    As with other health issues such as mental health, around which there is tremendous taboo still, many women report that no matter their culture, education or upbringing, their friends and family do not want to talk about their loss. This seems to connect with the silence that shrouds talking about grief in general.  

    Susan, 34, writer, USA

    “I’ve been on the fertility train for nearly 5 years. As my own IVF began, I quickly learned that I had no idea what I was in for; it was so physically and emotionally exhausting. Thankfully, I did get pregnant, and my husband and I were so excited. However, after 7 weeks, the baby stopped growing. I then quit IVF hormones, and after 2 more weeks, the miscarriage began. It lasted 19 days. I didn’t realize miscarriages were a long process of pain and heavy bleeding. That the realities of fertility and miscarriage are so shrouded behind shame and silence. "

    Susan's story

    Stillbirths happen later in pregnancy, and more than 40% occur during labour, many of which are preventable. Around 84% of stillbirths take place in low- and lower middle-income countries. Providing better quality of care during pregnancy and childbirth could prevent over half a million stillbirths worldwide. Even in high-income countries, substandard care is a significant factor in stillbirths.

    There are clear ways in which to reduce the number of babies who die in pregnancy – improving access to antenatal care (in some areas in the world, women do not see a health care worker until they are several months pregnant), introducing continuity of care through midwife-led care, and introducing community care where possible.

    Integrating the treatment of infections in pregnancy, fetal heart rate monitoring and labour surveillance, as part of an integrated care package could save 832 000 who would otherwise have been stillborn.

    How women are treated during pregnancy is linked to their sexual and reproductive rights, over which many women around the world do not have autonomy.

    Societal pressures in many parts of the world can mean that women get pregnant when they are not physically or mentally ready. Even in 2019, 200 million women who want to avoid pregnancy have no access to modern contraception. And when they do get pregnant, 30 million women do not give birth in a health facility and 45 million women receive inadequate or no antenatal care, putting both mother and baby at much greater risk of complications and death.

    Emilia, 36, retailer, Colombia

    "When I had a stillbirth at 32 weeks, my baby already had a name. I rushed to the clinic with very high blood pressure. After a checkup, the doctor told me to take some rest and prescribed a medication to lower my blood pressure. After a week I still had the same symptoms. The doctor rushed me to take an ultrasound and he told me that the baby had no vital signs. If I had been given more information from the very beginning, and received more medical attention at critical moments, my baby could have been saved. "

    Emilia’s story


    How women are treated during pregnancy is linked to their sexual and reproductive rights, over which many women around the world do not have autonomy. 

    Societal pressures in many parts of the world can mean that women get pregnant when they are not physically or mentally ready. Even in 2019, 200 million women who want to avoid pregnancy have no access to modern contraception. And when they do get pregnant, 30 million women do not give birth in a health facility and 45 million women receive inadequate or no antenatal care, putting both mother and baby at much greater risk of complications and death. 

    Divya Samson Panabakam, 30, consultant, India

    "In 2013 I had my first miscarriage. As soon as I started bleeding I went to the hospital and I was sent to get a sonogram, but the person in charge thought that I wasn’t married and made me wait. I asked her: “Even if I wasn’t married, why would you want to treat someone who is losing a baby this way?”. She just looked at me and replied: 'It’s not an emergency, only a woman over 60 would be treated as an emergency case'."

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    Cultural practices such as female genital mutilation (FGM) and child marriage are hugely damaging to girls’ sexual and reproductive health, and the health of their babies. Having babies too young can be dangerous for both the mothers and the babies. Adolescent mothers (aged 10 – 19 years) are far more likely to have eclampsia or uterine infections than women aged 20-24 years, which can increase the risk of stillbirth. Babies born to women younger than 20 years are also more likely to be of low birthweight, preterm, or have severe neonatal conditions, all of which can increase the risk of stillbirth. 

    FGM increases a woman’s risk of prolonged and obstructed labour, haemorrhage, severe tearing and a need for instrumental delivery. Her baby is much more likely to need resuscitation at delivery and faces a high risk of death during labour or after birth.

    Putting women at the centre of their care is vital to a positive pregnancy experience –  biomedical and physiological aspects of care need to be joined with social, cultural, emotional and psychological support. 

    Yet many women, even in developed countries with access to the best healthcare, receive inadequate care after losing a baby. The language used around miscarriage and stillbirth can be traumatic in itself – terminology referring to an “incompetent cervix” or a “blighted ovum” can be distressing.

    Andrea, 28, stylist, Colombia

    "When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I went for a check-up and had an ultrasound. The doctor told me that something was wrong without specifying what it was. The next day I woke up and noticed that the bed sheet were stained with blood. I did not receive any information on why I had a miscarriage. The nurses were very cold and unfriendly and they behaved as if it was just a medical procedure. Among all the staff at the hospital the only one who had a bit of humanity was the doctor, who later reassured me that I could try again to get pregnant. "

    Andrea's story

    Depending on the policy of the hospital, the babies’ bodies may be treated as clinical waste and incinerated. Sometimes when a woman finds out her baby has died, she is required to carry the dead baby for several weeks before she can give birth. Though there may be clinical reasons for this delay, this is distressing to the woman and her partner. Even in developed countries, women may birth their dead baby in maternity units, surrounded by women with healthy babies.

    Not all hospitals or clinics can adopt new policies or provide more services. This is a reality of overburdened health care systems. Yet encouraging more sensitivity in dealing with bereaved couples, and removing the taboo and stigma around talking about baby loss does not need to cost money. This is reflected in some of the stories featured here.

    Becky, 38, primary school teacher, Viet Nam/UK

    "My husband and I were over the moon when I fell pregnant with twin girls and were devastated to lose one of them – we called her Isla - at 34 weeks. I was terrified that we were going to lose our other baby too, and insisted on staying in hospital. The next day I delivered our girls via caesarean section. Overall the hospital was incredibly supportive and we were given a private room and time to spend with Isla. However a number of doctors showed complete insensitivity with one even asking why I was crying and telling me to cheer up".

    Becky's story

    Healthcare staff can show sensitivity and empathy, acknowledge how the parents feel, provide clear information, and understand that the parents may need specific support both in dealing with their loss and in potentially trying to have another baby. Providing human rights based care, that is socioculturally relevant, respectful and dignified is as much a requirement for competent maternal and newborn care as clinical competence.

    Sarah, 40, civil servant, Australia

    "Stillbirth is so common in Australia when it happens to you or someone you know. It’s suddenly everywhere. Stillbirth affects around 2000 Australian families each year. Our rate of stillbirth hasn’t changed in 20 years and for Indigenous Australians it’s twice as high. Yet before it happened to me and I became that one in six, I never considered that babies could die in utero. It’s never spoken about. The doctor told me about my increased risk of cord prolapse with polyhydramnios but no one mentioned I was at an increased risk of fetal death".

    Sarah's story

    Key messages around support

    The Unacceptable Stigma And Shame Women Face After Baby Loss Must End

    Op-ed by Dr Princess Nothemba Simelela, Assistant director-general for family, women, children and adolescents, WHO

    Find out more

    More on WHO's work

    More on WHO's work with partners

    All illustrations WHO/M. Purdie

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    Why is it so important for us to talk about the loss of a child

    Why is it so important for us to talk about the loss of a child?
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      • Why is it so important for us to talk about the loss of a child

      Why is it important for us to talk about the loss of a child

      WHO/M. Purdie

      © Photo

      The loss of a child during pregnancy due to miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo topic around the world, which is associated with condemnation or a sense of shame. Many women who lose a child during pregnancy or childbirth continue to receive neither the proper care nor the respect they deserve. nine0291 In this material we want to share stories told by women from different countries.

      Miscarriage is the most common cause of pregnancy loss. Estimates of the prevalence of this phenomenon vary somewhat, although according to the March of Dimes Foundation, an organization dedicated to maternal and child health, the prevalence of miscarriage in women who knew they were pregnant is 10-15%. Different countries around the world use different definitions of pregnancy loss, but as a rule, the death of a child before 28 weeks of gestation is considered a miscarriage, and death at or after 28 completed gestational weeks is considered a stillbirth. There are 2.6 million stillborn babies born each year, and many of these deaths could have been prevented. However, even in developed countries, miscarriages and stillbirths are not systematically recorded, so the actual figures may be even higher. nine0283

      Worldwide, women's access to health services varies by country of residence, with hospitals and outpatient facilities very often under-resourced and understaffed in many countries. As varied as the experience of bereaved women, stigma, guilt and shame are common themes around the world. Women who have lost their children have shared personal experiences that they felt they had to keep their grief quiet, either because miscarriages or stillbirths remain common or because people perceive them as inevitable. nine0283

      Jessica Zucker, Clinical Psychologist and Writer, USA

      “I am a clinical psychologist specializing in mental health issues related to reproduction and motherhood. I have been doing this for over ten years. But when I myself had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, only then could I truly feel that heartache, that re-experienced feeling of grief and loss that my patients have been telling me about for so many years.

      Jessica's story

      All this has an extremely hard effect on women. Many women who lose a child during pregnancy may develop mental health problems that last for months or years, even if they later have healthy children.

      Cultural and social views on the loss of a child in different parts of the world can be very different from each other. Thus, in sub-Saharan Africa, the prevailing opinion is that a baby can be born dead because of witchcraft or the machinations of evil spirits. nine0149

      Larai, 44, pharmacist, Nigeria

      “I took everything that happened after my miscarriage very hard. This was greatly facilitated by the medical workers themselves, despite the fact that I am also a doctor. Another issue is cultural representations. Here, the loss of a child brings shame to the woman, because there is a perception that if a woman has lost a child several times, something is wrong with her, and that she may have had extramarital affairs, and the loss of a child in that case, God's punishment. nine0283

      Larai's story

      There are many possible causes for miscarriages or stillbirths, including fetal abnormalities, maternal age, and infections, many of which (such as malaria and syphilis) are preventable, although identifying the exact cause is often difficult.

      General recommendations for preventing miscarriage include a healthy diet, physical activity, avoiding smoking, drug and alcohol use, limiting caffeine intake, managing stress, and maintaining a normal body weight. This approach focuses on lifestyle factors, and in the absence of specific explanations for what happened, this can lead to women feeling guilty that it was their behavior that caused the miscarriage. nine0283

      Lisa, 40, Marketing Manager, UK

      “I've had four miscarriages. Every time this happens, a part of you dies. The first time was the hardest. It was my very first pregnancy. We were so happy that we will soon have a baby. But when we went to our local hospital in the southeast of England at week 12 for a routine ultrasound, I was told that I had a miscarriage, or miscarriage, which meant that my baby had died long ago, although I did not feel no signs. " nine0283

      Lisa's story

      As with some other medical topics, such as mental health, which remain a huge taboo, many women report that, regardless of their cultural background, education and upbringing, their friends and families don't want to talk about their loss. Apparently, this is due to the general tradition to surround any grief with a veil of silence.

      Susan, 34, writer, USA

      “My infertility battle has been going on for almost five years now. After I decided to try IVF, I actually managed to get pregnant, but after a few weeks the baby stopped growing. It took doctors two and a half weeks to confirm this. It took another two weeks before I had a miscarriage that lasted 19days. I could not imagine that it could be so painful, for so long and with such heavy bleeding.

      Susan's story

      Stillbirths occur later in pregnancy, namely after 28 gestational weeks, as defined by the WHO. About 98% of stillbirths occur in low- and middle-income countries. Lack of proper care and supervision during labor results in one in two stillbirths occurring during delivery, many of which could have been prevented with quality care and proper supervision of the woman in labour. nine0283

      Better care during pregnancy and childbirth could prevent more than half a million stillbirths globally. Even in high-income countries, non-compliance with standards of care is an important cause of stillbirths.

      There are clear ways to reduce the number of children who die during pregnancy, namely: improving access to antenatal care (in some parts of the world, women do not see a health worker until they are several months pregnant), introducing continuous care models, provided by midwives, as well as community care where possible. Integrating infection management during pregnancy, fetal heart rate monitoring and birth monitoring into a comprehensive care package could save 1.3 million lives of otherwise stillborn babies. nine0283

      Emilia, 36, shopkeeper, Colombia

      “When my baby was stillborn at 32 weeks, we already gave him a name. The doctor referred me for an ultrasound examination, during which he told me that the child was not showing signs of life. I knew right away that my baby was dead. I know this could have been avoided. If from the very beginning I had been told everything about my condition in more detail, if the doctors had treated me more attentively during the critical periods of my pregnancy, my child could have been saved. nine0283

      Emilia's story

      Attitude towards women during pregnancy is related to the extent to which their sexual and reproductive rights are generally realized; many women around the world do not have the ability to make autonomous decisions in this area.

      In many parts of the world, the pressure of public opinion is forcing women to become pregnant when they are not yet physically or psychologically ready for it. Even in 2019, 200 million women who want to avoid pregnancy do not have access to modern methods of contraception. And when pregnancy does occur, 30 million women are forced to give birth outside of health facilities, and 45 million women do not receive adequate antenatal care or no antenatal care at all, greatly increasing the risk of complications and death for both the mother and the mother. child. nine0283

      Cultural practices, such as ritual female genital mutilation and child marriage, cause great harm to girls' sexual and reproductive health and the health of their children. Having children at a young age can be dangerous for both mother and child. Adolescent girls (aged 10–19 years) are significantly more likely to have eclampsia or intrauterine infections than women aged 20–24 years, increasing the risk of stillbirth in this age group. In addition, babies born to women younger than 20 are more likely to have low birth weight, prematurity, or severe health problems in the first month of life, which also increases the risk of stillbirth. nine0283

      Female genital mutilation increases a woman's risk of protracted or difficult labour, bleeding, severe tears and increases the frequency of instrumental use in childbirth. At the same time, children of such mothers are much more likely to need resuscitation during childbirth and increase the risk of death during childbirth or after birth.

      Putting women at the center of care is critical to creating a positive pregnancy experience—the biomedical and physiological aspects of health services need to be complemented by social, cultural, emotional and psychological support. nine0283

      However, many women, even in developed countries with access to the best health care systems, do not receive adequate care after the loss of a child. Even the language used by medical professionals in relation to miscarriage and stillbirth can be traumatic in itself: the use of terms such as "cervical failure" or "dead gestational sac" can be painful.

      Andrea, 28, stylist and singer, Colombia

      “When I was 12 weeks pregnant, I went to a scheduled appointment with the doctor, where I had an ultrasound. The doctor told me that I was not doing well, but did not specify what exactly was wrong. The next day, when I woke up, I noticed blood stains on the sheets. I didn't get any information about why I had a miscarriage. My doctor was very kind to me, but he didn't explain anything to me. But the nurses were completely indifferent and unfriendly and behaved as if I had undergone an ordinary medical procedure, and nothing more. No one gave me any support." nine0283

      Depending on the rules of the particular medical facility, stillborn bodies may be treated as clinical waste and may be incinerated. It happens that when a woman learns that her child has died, she is forced to continue to carry the dead baby for several weeks before she can give birth. Even if this delay may be clinically justified, this situation is excruciating for both the woman and her partner. Even in developed countries, women may be forced to give birth to their dead babies in maternity wards, surrounded by women who have healthy children, which is very difficult from a psychological point of view and reminds the woman of her loss. nine0283

      Not all inpatient or outpatient facilities can adopt a new care strategy or provide more services. This is the reality that reflects the overload of health systems. And yet, there is no extra cost to be more sensitive in dealing with bereaved couples and to remove the taboo and stigma around talking about the loss of a child. This is evidenced by some of the stories told here.

      Medical staff are fully capable of being sensitive and compassionate, recognizing the depth of the parents' feelings, providing clear information about the situation, and understanding that parents may need special support, both in relation to the loss of a child and in relation to the possible desire for more children. . To provide competent maternal and newborn health care and to meet the requirements for clinical competence in general, it is necessary that this care be provided from a human rights perspective, on the basis of respect, protecting the dignity of patients and taking into account their socio-cultural characteristics. nine0283

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      The story of a woman who lost a child at a later date and learned to live with it

      Olga Kuznetsova with her husband
      Photo: provided by the heroine of the publication

      In May 2018, the life of a young confectioner Olga was divided into "before" and "after" - at a later date she lost her child, whom she carried under her heart. Everything happened too suddenly: bad tests, hospitalization, surgery, and then a long process of getting used to the fact that life will never be the same again. nine0283

      Telling a girl about what happened is still not easy. And in general, society perceives the topic of perinatal loss with hostility, pretending that it does not exist. But, no matter how difficult it is, it's time to talk about it. We decided to talk to you about it today. And they asked Olga to tell her story.

      Olga Kuznetsova, 30 years old:

      — I got pregnant before the New Year 2018, and it so happened that I didn’t get to the doctor right away. I met the New Year in high spirits, I was glad that I would become a mother, that we would have a lyalka. On long holidays, we went to visit relatives by train, and upon arrival I was placed in a hospital for preservation. But then everything went well, there were no complaints from the doctors, I did everything they said: I went to the cardiologist, endocrinologist, took medications and went through all the examinations. Doctors praised me for gaining relatively little weight during pregnancy, in general, I did not suspect that something could go wrong. nine0283

      At the next appointment, already at a rather late date, I take another test, and on the same day they call from the hospital and say: take it again. I passed, I was sent to a urologist. After the results of the tests, they called me from the hospital and said that I needed to go to the hospital urgently. They took blood, and it turned out that my kidneys and liver were seriously inflamed, although I had never been ill with anything that could affect this. They found a greatly increased protein: imagine if with a protein of 1.5 they are put in the hospital, and at first I had 5, but by the time I got to the hospital, while they took repeated tests, it turned out that he was already 10! nine0283

      When I had an ultrasound, it turned out that the baby is very small - at the 27th week of pregnancy, she weighs only 370 grams, and should weigh more than a kilogram. Then I already realized that nothing would happen, although I begged the doctors to try to do something, but there was no point in this. I was shown an operation.

      The operation was carried out in the perinatal center, I was allocated a separate room so that I would not lie with the girls who bring their children, and for this I am very grateful. On May 28 at 6 pm I was operated on. In the hospital, I was very lucky with the doctors. At that time, I didn’t know who we would have, a boy or a girl. Before the operation, I was given an injection in the spine, epidural anesthesia, I was conscious. There was silence in the operating room, the surgeon only occasionally talking quietly to the assistant and nurses. When the operation was almost over, I asked the doctors to at least tell me who it was. It was a girl. nine0283

      And then the surgical assistant asked me if I wanted to see my daughter. I fell into a stupor, not knowing if I needed it. Then the doctor said: "Show me, then she will need it. "

      They showed me a baby, and she was tiny, like a doll. She weighed only 370 grams, but it was already clear that she had a nose like her husband. I imagined her as an adult, like him. But I knew it was something that would never happen.

      After the operation, the doctor of the children's department came to me, tried to calm me down, said: it happens. Then a psychologist came to me, who supported me very much. She honestly asked: do you want me to talk to you? This is very important, because in our society they are not very good at supporting people. There was an unpleasant situation with my mother, who called me with her niece, and they sang songs on the phone. They sing songs for my child, and she is already in the morgue. Then I pulled away from her and intelligibly explained that it was not necessary to do this. nine0283

      At times in the hospital it was very difficult for me. Yes, I did not lie in the ward with women in labor - later I was transferred to another girl, whose child was in intensive care. But I ran into them in the hallway, and once there was a situation that completely unsettled me. I came to take my blood pressure, and other girls were standing in line for an injection, and one of the girls asked me to look after her child. I refused her.

      — Is it difficult for you, I'm literally just a minute, — she said. nine0283

      “I won't babysit your baby,” I tell her. “I’m burying mine, but will I look after yours?” Are you out of your mind? Don't you see what?

      And everyone who gave birth had tags on their hands. Everyone except me. After that, already in the ward, I was pounding so much, I had to give an injection to calm me down.

      There was another case when I could not get through to my husband. I was covered with a panic attack and a feeling of worthlessness that

      I can not protect anyone - neither myself nor those around me. nine0283

      My husband took care of the baby's funeral while I was in the hospital. He took her to his village, to his homeland, and buried her next to her great-grandmother and great-grandfather. It was easier and more comfortable for me, there she is always under supervision. I think it would be hard for me if she was here. My husband picked me up from the hospital after the funeral. It was exactly 9 days. Later we came up with a name for her - Katya. Kitten.

      After I was discharged, I came to the antenatal clinic, where they were very indifferent to what happened to me. They languidly tried to accuse me of not noticing this, but basically they sorted it out among themselves - it's not normal that the pregnancy was terminated at such a late date. I didn’t want to find out who was to blame - I didn’t have the moral strength for this, and the child could not be returned. nine0283

      I realized that the most important thing is not to hide your feelings. If you want to cry, cry. I know what loss is, I lost my father at 17, so I know that this pain never goes away. I cried at night, my husband supported me very much, for the first two months we slept with him tightly in an embrace, so it was easier for me. And that was the best support he could give me. In general, I must say that my husband was very supportive of me.

      It was also hard because I got pregnant at about the same time as my sister-in-law. When she gave birth, I was covered with a wave of experiences. I was supported by my friend, who long before me lost her child - she understood me like no one else, and when all this happened to me, she was pregnant with her second child, but she was still very supportive, although I asked her not to worry too much so that everything went well for her. I remember: on the day when I was admitted to the hospital, I called her and we sobbed to each other into the phone for at least 15 minutes. nine0283

      The experience grew and grew, I thought that I had begun to recover, but it didn't get any easier. It felt like you were very tired on Friday after a working week. And it was scary that all these feelings would never go away, that it would not be better. I thought I could handle myself.

      Almost immediately after the loss of my daughter, I found out about the Light in Hands Foundation, but decided to start by studying the site and watching the webinar. I watched an hour-long webinar from a psychologist for three weeks: I stopped the video and cried. For the first time, I signed up for the fund's support group only six months later. There were other girls who also lost a child. I was able to tell my story, I cried, but, surprisingly, I felt better. And I realized how important it is to share these emotions. How important it is to go through them together, to help someone who is also in this difficult situation. The support group helped me understand how to talk with my partner and with my environment, to let them know that they might say something superfluous. I met the new year with the feeling that everything will be better. nine0283

      The second difficult moment was the anniversary, May 28th. My operation fell out just on those days when everything around began to bloom, leaves blossomed, mothers walked around - pregnant or with children, and I walked, because the doctor said so, so that there were no adhesions. And so you go, the whole world around rejoices, and you feel so bad that you don’t want anything. And a year later, this feeling began to return, I got worse again, so I came to the support group for the second time. And this time I felt relieved also because I could already support other participants. nine0283

      At first I wanted to get pregnant right away: I thought it would be easier, that it would be a continuation of that pregnancy, as if it would help me carry and give birth to the same child. But no, you need to be prepared for this. And realize that it will be scary, but you can deal with it.

      I don't like that in such situations you are faced with the devaluation of your problem. People treat it like this: well, lost and lost. But what is it - to brush the dirt off the boot? No. You need to survive your pain, accept it, by and large, you need to learn how to live again. nine0283

      Psychologists working in a support group. They were carefully selected, since not everyone can work with women in situations of acute grief
      Photo: courtesy of Natalia Gorlova and Svetlana Chursina

      The Light in Hands Foundation is the first foundation in Russia that deals with the prevention of infant mortality, is part of the international community and helps parents cope with the loss of a child during pregnancy, childbirth or shortly after them, and also trains health workers on how to interact with patients in a situation of perinatal loss. nine0283

      In Krasnoyarsk, three psychologists provide support within the framework of the Light in Hands Foundation - one provides individual consultations, the other two provide group consultations.

      According to existential psychologist Natalya Gorlova, support groups have been operating in Krasnoyarsk since December 2017.

      But the main activity, of course, is aimed at working with parents. A support group is usually attended by 6-8 people, but more is not needed, psychologists assure. Experts emphasize that the support group is not suitable for everyone, so it is very important that those who find themselves in a difficult situation really understand that they need it. In addition, the Fund's psychologists can be consulted online, individually and even by correspondence. All this, of course, for free. nine0283

      The Light in Hands Foundation helps not only parents who have lost a child, but also grandmothers, and even just friends and colleagues, so that they can communicate correctly and find the right words for those who find themselves in such a difficult life situation.

      Learn more