How to tell if a child is sexually abused

About the National Sexual Assault Telephone Hotline

Need help?

Call 800.656.HOPE (4673) to be connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.

How does it work?

When you call 800.656.HOPE (4673), you’ll be routed to a local RAINN affiliate organization based on the first six digits of your phone number. Cell phone callers have the option to enter the ZIP code of their current location to more accurately locate the nearest sexual assault service provider.

Telephone Hotline Terms of Service

How can the hotline help me?

Calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline gives you access to a range of free services including:

Confidential support from a trained staff member
Support finding a local health facility that is trained to care for survivors of sexual assault and offers services like sexual assault forensic exams
Someone to help you talk through what happened
Local resources that can assist with your next steps toward healing and recovery
Referrals for long term support in your area
Information about the laws in your community
Basic information about medical concerns

Is it confidential?

The National Sexual Assault Hotline is a safe, confidential service. When you call the hotline, only the first six numbers of the phone number are used to route the call, and your complete phone number is never stored in our system. Most states do have laws that require local staff to contact authorities in certain situations, like if there is a child or vulnerable adult who is in danger.

While almost all callers are connected directly to a staff member or volunteer at a local sexual assault service provider, a handful of providers use an answering service after daytime business hours. This service helps manage the flow of calls. If all staff members are busy, you may choose to leave a phone number with the answering service. In this case, the number will be confidential and will be given directly to the organization’s staff member for a callback. If you reach an answering service, you can try calling back after some time has passed, or you can choose to call during regular business hours when more staff members are available. You can also access 24/7 help online by visiting online. rainn.org.

Who are the sexual assault service providers?

Sexual assault service providers are organizations or agencies dedicated to supporting survivors of sexual assault. The providers who answer calls placed to the hotline are known as RAINN affiliates. To be part of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, affiliates must agree to uphold RAINN’s confidentiality standards. That means:

Never releasing records or information about the call without the consent of the caller, except when obligated by law
Only making reports to the police or other agencies when the caller consents, unless obligated by law
Agreeing to RAINN’s non-discrimination policy

To learn more about how a provider can become an affiliate of the National Sexual Assault Hotline, visit the Sexual Assault Service Provider information page. Volunteer opportunities for the National Sexual Assault Hotline are coordinated through these local providers. Search for volunteer opportunities near you.

How was the National Sexual Assault Hotline created?

The National Sexual Assault Hotline was the nation’s first decentralized hotline, connecting those in need with help in their local communities. It’s made up of a network of independent sexual assault service providers, vetted by RAINN, who answer calls to a single, nationwide hotline number. Since it was first created in 1994, the National Sexual Assault Hotline (800.656.HOPE and online.rainn.org) has helped more than 3 million people affected by sexual violence.

Before the telephone hotline was created, there was no central place where survivors could get help. Local sexual assault services providers were well equipped to handle support services, but the lack of a national hotline meant the issue did not receive as much attention as it should. In response, RAINN developed a unique national hotline system to combine all the advantages of a national organization with all the abilities and expertise of local programs. One nationwide hotline number makes it easier for survivors to be connected with the help they deserve.

Anyone affected by sexual assault, whether it happened to you or someone you care about, can find support on the National Sexual Assault Hotline. You can also visit online.rainn.org to receive support via confidential online chat.

Types of Sexual Violence | RAINN

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Sexual assault can take many different forms and be defined in different ways, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault.

When a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically, sexually, or by acts of neglect, the crime is known as child abuse.

Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused may also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes and stereotypes about men and masculinity.

A perpetrator can have any relationship to a victim, and that includes the role of an intimate partner.

Regardless of how the law defines incest, unwanted sexual contact from a family member can have a lasting effect on the survivor.

In cases of drug-facilitated sexual assault, survivors often blame themselves. Remember—you are not to blame. You are the only one allowed to make choices for your body. Using drugs or alcohol is never an excuse for assault and does not mean that it was your fault.

Sexual Harassment - You should be able to feel comfortable in your place of work or learning. If you are being sexually harassed, you can report it to the authorities at your job, school, or local law enforcement.
Stalking - Learn more about stalking behaviors to help you notice them before they escalate—and take steps to protect yourself.
Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse - Many perpetrators of sexual abuse are in a position of trust or responsible for the child’s care, such as a family member, teacher, clergy member, coach, or other children such as older siblings.
Using Technology to Hurt Others - Some people use technology, such as digital photos, videos, apps, and social media, to engage in harassing, unsolicited, or non-consensual sexual interactions.
Sexual Abuse by Medical Professionals - When you go to the doctor, dentist, hospital or physical therapist, or see other medical professionals, you trust them to treat you with respect as they care for your health.
Sexual Exploitation by Helping Professionals - Sexual exploitation by a helping professional is a serious violation of your trust and, in many cases, the law.

Multiple-Perpetrator Sexual Assault - Multiple-perpetrator sexual assault, sometimes called gang rape, occurs when two or more perpetrators act together to sexually assault the same victim.
Elder Abuse - As the number of older adults in America increases, it will become all the more important to be aware of the warning signs of elder abuse.
Sexual Abuse of People with Disabilities - Consent is crucial when any person engages in sexual activity, but it plays an even bigger, and more complicated role when someone has a disability.
Prisoner Rape - If you’re an inmate, a former inmate, or know an inmate who survived sexual assault while in prison, there are resources available to you.
Military Sexual Trauma - Military Sexual Trauma, or MST, is the term used by the Department of Veteran Affairs to describe the effects of sexual violence experienced by a military Service member.
Legal Role of Consent - The legal definitions for terms like rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse vary from state to state. Consent often plays an important role in determining whether an act is legally considered a crime.

RAINN has given me the courage and strength to stand up for what is right. Julianna, survivor

Free.

88¢ of every $1 goes to helping survivors and preventing sexual violence.

How to understand that a child is being sexually abused: August 30, 2020, 10:44

We are used to believing that sexual abuse can only happen to a child on the street and by unfamiliar "uncles" or "aunts". Therefore, we do our best to protect the child from strangers and constantly ask you not to talk to strangers. But, according to studies, most often children are abused by relatives or people from a close circle. Therefore, many parents do not suspect what happened for years. nine0003

In order to help the child in time, you need to carefully monitor his behavior. Psychologist Irina Terenteva told Tengrinews.kz how to understand that a child needs help.

Psychologist Irina Terentyeva has been studying the topic of sexual abuse of children for many years. She helps those families who have already encountered this, and tries to tell parents in detail about the problem so that there are fewer such cases.

The specialist says: in order to understand what is happening with the child, you need to know about the stages of his sexual development. nine0003

" For children 0-5 years old it is normal to use childish vocabulary to describe the genitals, show your own and look at other people's genitals, examine your own, ask where babies come from.

Deviation at this age is considered to demonstrate adult sexual behavior, know what it is and imitate sexual intercourse, use adult vocabulary.

For children 6-12 years old it is normal to ask questions about pregnancy, menstruation, adult sexual behavior. It's normal to explore yourself and other kids through doctor, mommy and baby games, secretly masturbate. nine0003
Deviation is when a child of this age masturbates openly when he demonstrates deep knowledge of sex, describes sexual intercourse, uses adult vocabulary, or demonstrates adult sexual behavior.

Normally between teenagers 13-18 years old sexual games are characterized by equality. That is, children of the same age and the same level of development participate, there is reciprocity and curiosity. Interest in sexuality is in balance with interest in other pursuits. nine0003
For adolescents aged 13-18 , suicide attempts, leaving home, aggression, avoidance of bodily and emotional intimacy, inconsistency and inconsistency of behavior are abnormal," says a sexologist.

In addition, you need to know the symptoms of stress that are characteristic of each age group, shares Irina Terenteva. They can be both temporary and indicate that something went wrong.

A sexologist named several signs that parents should be wary of:

child exhibits sexualized behavior, imitates sexual intercourse with toys or other children;
the child suddenly has nightmares, fears;
the child refuses to communicate with one of the adults or children with whom he previously communicated normally;
the child develops bruises and abrasions, especially in intimate areas, the appearance of which he cannot explain;
he comes in dirty clothes, as if lying on the ground;
the child has new friends with whom he does not introduce you;
the child has an adult friend;
the child hides his activity on the Web from you;
a child "out of nowhere" has new adult words;
his mood is unstable, there is fear of certain places or people, outbursts of anger, tearfulness, isolation;
in development there is a rollback, starting with academic performance at school and ending with a wet bed or panties. nine0038

Preschoolers and younger schoolchildren usually vividly play out all the situations that they experience, the sexologist says. They often demonstrate their trauma through play: with toys, simply with objects, in drawings. For example, draw the genitals.

"Children can involve their friends, peers, classmates in strange games: lock themselves in the toilet with them. Preschoolers usually openly and specifically do with a friend's body what they did with his own. Schoolchildren are already trying to hide, looking for secluded places," - says Irina Terentyeva. nine0003

And if from these signs and from the words of the child it becomes clear that he was abused, you should immediately contact sexologists to find out how true their suspicions are.

Working with mental health experts is especially important for children who have been sexually abused, they are more at risk of being abused again than others.

Earlier we talked about how to protect children from violence. The psychologist explained the importance of the topic of sex education in the family. nine0003

"Children are silent about this." How to understand that a child is being abused

Children are victims of sexual abuse much more often than we can imagine, but in most cases they are silent about it. How to understand that “something is wrong” with the child, and what should parents do if the suspicions are confirmed? Antonina Podzorova dealt with the experts of the charity project “You will be believed”.

According to WHO, one in five women and one in thirteen men were sexually abused as children. UNICEF provides more general statistics: from 2 to 56% of girls and from 0.4 to 44% of boys, depending on the country, have experienced sexual violence. There can be no exact figures, so often no one will know about what happened, even parents. But even if you take the lower values, we are talking about millions of children. nine0003

What is sexual violence

Unfortunately, in Russia the concept of “sexual violence” is still very vague and the threshold of sensitivity to violence is extremely low. Many people think that if there was no rape as such, then you can give up on everything else - they say, nothing terrible happened, do not pay attention, forget it.

In fact, "strange" touches, strokes, "adult" kisses, obscene exposure, and demonstration of pornography are traumatic for the child's psyche. Any use of a child for sexual stimulation is a crime. nine0003

In many cases, such crimes are committed literally under the noses of parents, last for years and go unpunished.

Who does it

The vast majority of cases of molestation and sexual harassment (up to 90% of cases) are committed by family members or people close to the child. These can be stepfathers and older brothers, uncles and grandfathers, friends of parents, parents of friends, neighbors and teachers.

Often these are people with authority in the family. They show a sincere disposition towards the child, they are able to charm and lull the vigilance of all those around them. nine0003

Least of all they look like lechers or rapists, as we imagine them. On the contrary, as a rule, no one could ever think bad about them.

According to UNICEF,

From 40 to 60% of cases of violence are committed in the family - not necessarily by biological parents. Girls who live with a stepfather or mother's man are twice as likely to experience sexual violence;
30% of cases of violence outside the family are committed by people familiar to the child.

In Russia, according to the Ministry of Internal Affairs, over the past five years the number of crimes against the sexual integrity of minors has increased by 42%; nine0079 every 6th crime is committed in the family, and every 12th - by parents.

Why children are silent

More often than not, the rapist creates a relationship with the child in which he will not tell anyone anything. As a rule, this is a skillful manipulator. Communicating with the child, he finds the necessary "buttons". For example, it emphasizes the special status of the child: “You are special to me, we are friends, you won’t tell anyone our secret?” Or intimidates: “If mom finds out, she will be angry.” nine0003

The rapist can suggest to the child that everything that happens is just a game, that all loving people do this, and everyone likes it.

Look at the phrases with which quarrels between children and parents begin:

Angry criticism devalues the choice and efforts of the child, and at the same time once again convinces him that parents do not understand anything about fashion. Experimenting with appearance is just a step, but if you can't put up with it, talk about it directly and try to find compromises: "I don't like your clothes, and I will insist that you dress differently if ... (this will be required at school, we are going somewhere together, etc.

Dislike for something is a reason not to be at enmity, but to agree: at what time or for how long you can listen to music, watch videos, etc. Argument your position and show that you are not indifferent to the interests of your son or daughter: “I don’t like this music because…”, “This video seems meaningless to me, explain what it is about.” Perhaps you will make sure along the way that the child is still passionate about something worthwhile.

Control over the time spent by the child with various gadgets, and the information obtained from this, is the responsibility of the parents. But if you have not stipulated the rules for the use of gadgets, then you are not entitled to demand compliance with them. Agreements must be clear and respected primarily by adults. Then the threats will automatically change to “you have 15 minutes left, wrap it up.” nine0003

Instead, think about what is really bothering you. Need to do homework, and the child sticks out in chat rooms? You do not know the circle of his communication in social networks and are worried about this? Once you have identified your fears, they can be discussed. For example, something like this: “I'm worried about your safety. When you do not know a person in reality, on the Internet, he can be anyone. Let's discuss the rules of communication in the network.

This phrase shows, firstly, that the child is a burden for you (and this leads him to low self-esteem), and, secondly, that you yourself do not control your emotions, since they are so easy to control. When in a fit of anger you want to burst into reproaches, it is better to say the following: “I am very angry now, I do not like what you are doing; Give me time to calm down and then we'll talk."

Such phrases shake the air, but do not voice a specific claim about what exactly the parents lack. Therefore, even if the parties seem to understand each other, it inevitably turns out that they put different words into words. It is better to specify how the child should behave, what to do and in what period of time. nine0003

After a failure, any person can take hostility an extra reminder of his mistake. However, if you understand that the main thing is the experience gained, and not proof of parental rightness, you can say: “Now you know exactly what will happen if you continue to do this” or “Now you yourself understand how not to.”

After such prophecies, either retaliatory aggression arises (“what do you care?!”), or hands finally give up. Conversely, positive expectations, according to the observations of psychologists, come true more often. Telling your child “if you study well, you can get any prestigious profession,” you will voice the same idea, but in a more effective and listenable way. nine0003

This phrase can lead a child to either realize that his feelings are unimportant, wrong, ridiculous (which means that he himself is ridiculous and unimportant), or to the feeling that his parents are callous people who do not understand anything . Even if in your opinion the problem is not worth a damn, it is better to say: “I don’t quite understand how you feel and why. Please explain".

With this phrase, you seem to inform the child that he does not correspond to your idea of \u200b\u200bthe ideal boy / girl, and fertilize the soil for complexes (“everyone is correct, but I am not, defective”). If you really want your son or daughter to follow the qualities that you consider important for men or women, then give an example of a specific person who is sure to be successful in an area that is important for your child. nine0003

This phrase makes the child feel offended and feels that he does not suit his parents the way he is. Usually, comparisons with more successful (according to adults) comrades are made so that children are ashamed and achieve something. Instead of this workaround, go straight ahead: "I think you're good at math, I want you to try hard and get grades above three."

Before forbidding anything to your child (especially a teenager), stock up on weighty arguments and counterarguments. And do not stop the question "Why?", if the child asks him, even in a raised tone, he is ready for dialogue. You may argue or even quarrel, but, most importantly, stay in dialogue and keep in touch with each other. nine0003

In fact, they always have them, and even the most exemplary children (fortunately, most often this is something harmless). And the teenage "period of closed doors" is a natural stage when the child seeks to be alone more often. If you're worried that your child may be hiding something dangerous, it's best to say, "You can always count on me and dad. If you are in trouble, let's think together how to get out of it.

It is difficult for a child to determine the boundaries of the norm, he does not always understand that what is being done to him is not normal. nine0003

If an adult says: “Let me help you wash up”, “Let me give you a massage, it's nice”, “I'll teach you, you're already big”, the child perceives this as a sign of sympathy and care. That is why children do not know how to explain and prove what happened, they cannot formulate what exactly was wrong.

The child may feel depressed, helpless, ashamed and embarrassed, but does not know how to talk about it. After all, even adults do not always know how to recognize and name their feelings. In addition, children are afraid that no one will believe them, that they will be accused of lying against a respected person. nine0003

Research shows that only 4% of children make false allegations of violence.

Signs that should alert you

Perhaps the child does not say anything, but an attentive adult will notice and feel: “something is not right” with the child. For example:

The child's behavior and emotions have changed inexplicably. Children react differently to what happened: aggression, apathy, sleep disturbances, fears and anxiety - any unusual manifestations of the child should attract attention. nine0038
The previously open and trusting child, who easily told you about everything, "withdrew into himself. "
Sexualized behavior of the child, especially at an age when he should not yet know the details about sex.
The child shows a sudden dislike for one of the adults: does not want to sit next to him at the table, does not want to be alone with this person - all these are reasons to gently ask why.
The child, on the contrary, spends a lot of time in the company of an adult, receives gifts or money from him, and often stays alone with him. nine0038

How to check your suspicions?

Ksenia Shashunova, psychologist of the charity project “You will be believed”

If a parent is confident that he or she will be able to calmly talk with a child on such a difficult topic, you can directly ask the child about violence. Many children deny everything at first. This does not mean that the child does not trust you, just through the efforts of the rapist, he can be convinced that they will not believe him or that he himself is to blame.

Let him know that you are near and believe every word, that you can talk to you about such a topic at any time. nine0003

Keep the conversation calm and open. It is important to be honest, tell what exactly you know, on the basis of which you have a suspicion. Adults often start a conversation from afar, using hints. This can confuse the child and interfere with a confidential conversation.

The main rule: trust, empathize, support!

Harm can be caused by any accusations, direct or indirect: “Why did you go with him?”, “Why didn’t you tell me right away?”, doubts, moralizing, lectures: “I told you…”, “Didn’t you know… ". Talking in this way is not conducive to openness and can hurt the child. nine0003

If you have suspicions, there is no harm in having an honest, respectful conversation, even if they are not confirmed. On the contrary, this conversation is useful in any case, as it is an occasion to discuss with the child the topic of boundaries, safety, precautions. Both you and your child will have this experience. In case of real danger, the child will know that such a conversation is possible.

Who can help if suspicions are confirmed

Project "You will be believed". Affordable mental health service for people who experienced sexual abuse in childhood and adolescence. Website: www.verimtebe.ru

Child in danger hotline. Tel. 8-800-200-19-10. The appeal can be anonymous, but if a person does not leave contacts, then he does not receive information on the further course of the investigation.

All-Russian hotline "Surrender a pedophile". Tel. 8-800-250-98-96. All messages are registered and checked by the staff of the center. In case of suspicion of the presence of corpus delicti, the information is transferred for inspections to the law enforcement agencies of the constituent entities of the Russian Federation and other authorized bodies. All stages of the investigation, from verification to judicial instances, remain under the control of the Center's employees. Calls are not anonymous. nine0003

Saving Life Foundation, Orenburg. Help for children who have become victims of crime, abuse, sexual and physical abuse. Tel. +7 (3532) 67-62-54.

Sisters Foundation, Moscow. Psychological and legal assistance to victims of sexual violence. Tel. 8-499-901-02-01. Website: www.sisters-help.ru

Transit social shelter for children, St. Petersburg. Free psychological and legal assistance to children affected by sexual violence. It is possible to accompany the child during the investigation. You can turn to situations even if investigative actions are not carried out. Tel. +7(812) 576 83 57.

How to protect a child?

The right question that many parents ask themselves is: “What can I do to prevent this from happening to my child? After all, I can’t control his every step!”

The basis of a child's safety is your warm, trusting relationship with him. Relationships in which the child knows that any, the most delicate topics can be discussed with parents.

Victims of violence are often children who need love and attention, whose parents are busy with their lives and, as it were, closed to children. If you are in contact with the child, you will be able to notice in time that something is happening to him and protect him. If not, the violence can last for years. nine0003

Such cases, unfortunately, are not uncommon, and the result can be serious problems with self-esteem, rejection of one's body, difficulties in relationships with the opposite sex, suicidal attempts ... The consequences are difficult to cope with even in adulthood. For some, this is not enough for a lifetime.

Psychologists recommend:
Talk openly with children about sexual safety. Protecting them from the truth is impossible. Children can become victims of harassment due to lack of information. They may not know that there are "good" and "bad" touches, that there are places that no one should touch. It does not occur to them that they need to tell their loved ones about such attempts, especially if the topic of sex in the family is taboo. nine0003

Call a spade a spade. Directly say who has no right to touch the child and where exactly. The words "no one" and "nowhere" are empty words. If it turns out to be a grandfather, cousin, uncle or other familiar person, the child will not have a clear understanding of how to react. A good practice is Circles of Trust.

Draw a figure of a man together with your child - this is your child. Draw several circles around it from small to large. The small circle is the next of kin. nine0003

This may include mum, dad, sisters and brothers if they live with you.

In the second circle other relatives are grandparents, uncles and aunts. Then - teachers, educators, educators, family friends and other people with whom the child communicates. Even further - casual acquaintances, fellow travelers, etc.

This drawing helps to name all the people in your environment, to clarify their "powers". For example, who can wash a baby? Who can touch him? In what places? Who can kiss him? How? With whom can you leave, for example, from school or from the playground? Discuss all of this. nine0003

Confirm in practice that the child, in case of any doubts or fears, can turn to you, that you are on his side, that there is always a way out - and you can find him together.

Allow the child to say "no", to disagree, to resist, to swear. Explain that not everyone and not always should be obeyed.

Be your own example of someone who can say no. Of course, this is not always convenient for parents, but it is important for the safety of the child in all situations.
Respect the child. An important factor in self-defense is the understanding of one's rights, a sense of self-confidence, and this largely depends on the parents. Who am I in my family? What do I deserve? The system of self-determination of the child is built by the parents. And if the child is sure that he himself and his opinion mean nothing, then in case of danger he will not say anything to his relatives and will be sure that he himself is to blame for everything.

Remain an attentive, observant, loving parent, despite being busy.