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How to Identify Your Soulmate

Love is powerful. There’s a reason why there are hundreds of movies and songs dedicated to the emotion, and why we swoon over power couples like Zendaya and Tom Holland and Lana Condor and Anthony De La Torre. It’s an amazing feeling to be so happy and so comfortable with a person, especially when those feelings are reciprocated. Date nights, big and small, are always a special occasion, and being with your person simply feels like home. But, how do you know if your significant other is the one? In other words, how do you know if they’re... your soulmate? While many people don’t believe in “soulmates,” it is nice to think that there is someone out there (or a few people even) meant for you.

“I believe that soulmates aren’t born, they’re created, meaning that you can spend the rest of your life with one person and have a deep and beautiful love story, but that process is co-created. [It is] not a Prince Charming who arrives perfectly ready to sweep you off your feet,” says Dr. Christie Kederian, a relationship expert and licensed family and marriage therapist. “They are a person you build an equally fulfilling life with, that isn’t always perfect, but helps you grow more into the person you’re meant to be.”

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According to Dr. Kederian, there are different types of soulmates and connections in life, and sometimes, certain family members and friends can feel like platonic soulmates. “Leaning into these relationships and allowing yourself to experience the kind of connection that makes us feel loved, is what makes life beautiful and connected and we have to learn to embrace this unconditional love and connection, with all its difficulties as well as its gifts,” she says.

All in all, soulmates — both romantic and platonic — should make you feel absolutely loved, secure, and wholly understood. You not only feel deeply connected with a romantic soulmate, but a true sense of passion and chemistry. Relationships aren’t always easy, you’re going to experience ups and downs together, and you might not know if your SO is your soulmate. Focus on growing with your partner, Dr. Kederian says, and build your relationship to be as strong and supportive as possible.

Don’t stress too much about whether your SO is your forever partner — relationships are often journeys, especially when you’re still figuring out who you are and what you want in a significant other. But if you’re wondering if your SO is your ideal match, here are 21 soulmate signs that will help you know if you’ve found a true connection.

1. You just know it

There is no test that will help you determine if you've found your soulmate or not. You have to feel in your gut that this person is the right one for you. We know it sounds trite, but when you get that feeling, you’ll know what it means. You should feel energized by their presence, comfortable enough to completely open up, and just giddy with love. Of course, connections manifest themselves in different ways for everyone, and feelings can change over time.

2. They’re your best friend

A friendship is the best foundation for any relationship — why do you think so many rom-coms are about two BFFs who get together? If you are in a trusting, positive friendship with your SO, that's an amazing sign!

3. Being with them feels like home

No matter where you are in the world, being with your soulmate feels like home. There's an unmistakable feeling of comfort and ease when they're by your side. You spend so much time with your significant other, so being with them should make you feel at peace. Of course, there will probably be butterflies and nerves at first, but after you get comfortable with each other, it should just feel natural.

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4.

You have lots of empathy for them

When they fail a test, you might as well have failed it, because, in a sense, you feel each other's feelings. Seeing them upset upsets you, but conversely, you share in each other's happiness. No one is more proud of their bae than you, and when they succeed, nothing makes you happier.

5. You respect each other

A relationship is nothing without respect so if your SO doesn't admire you for who you are, they're probably not your soulmate. Your soulmate should care about your feelings and ideas, not write them off. They should appreciate and love you and always treat you well.

6.

You balance each other out

You don't have to be a replica of your SO to be soulmates. You two can have different temperaments, upbringings, and backgrounds and still be meant for each other. The key is how you two, as very different people, come together. Does your chill nature compliment their anxious demeanor? Does your love for environmentalism match well with their interests in engineering? Basically, are they the ying to your yang?

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7.

You respect each other’s differences, but agree about the important things

You may never be able to decide what TV show to watch together or what toppings to get on the pizza, but when it comes to the important things in life, like your values, you're on the same page.

8. You share the same life goals

Speaking of the important things... when it comes to life goals, you guys have similar plans. We’re not saying you both want the same career or you want to go to the same college. But you both agree on whether or not you want to start a family, or the values you want to live your lives by. Obviously, there will be disagreements but you guys are on the same page about the big stuff. That's a pretty good predictor for longterm happiness with your SO.

9.

You challenge each other

Your soulmate should bring out the best in you, and that means pushing you a little to become the best you can be. Yes, you should admire and respect your bae and who they are, but you should also motivate them to reach their goals, to try a little harder when they need a nudge, and aid with their personal development. Relationships are all about growth and soulmates help each other grow together.

10.

You can totally be yourself

There's no faking it when it comes to your soulmate. You can be totally yourself around them and you know they'll love you for you. You share your guilty pleasures, your weird quirks, your deepest secrets, and you know it will just make them love you more.

11.

You fight for the relationship

Relationships aren't always easy, even between soulmates, but you two work hard for your relationship. This often means compromising, working on yourself, or talking through issues. You might argue or disagree over something, but you come out of the situation stronger and more understanding of each other. The fact that you two are showing that you're willing to take these steps to work together and fight for each other is a sign you're soulmates.

12.

You understand each other’s emotional languages

If you don't know what your love language is, stop right now and take the quiz. Basically, there are five different love languages AKA how you experience love. Maybe, your love language is Words of Affirmation, so it means so much to you when your SO tells you how much they love you. On the other hand, their love language might be Physical Touch, so they like to show their love with cuddles. You can totally be with someone who has a different love language than you, you just need to understand the ways that you both express love and what to expect from each other.

13.

You’re each other’s biggest fans

Your SO should be rooting for you constantly and vice versa. Their wins are your wins, meaning when they hear big news, you're just as excited as they are. If just seeing your bae happy makes you happy, that's something special.

14.

You feel each other’s pain

On the other hand, when something not so great happens to your SO, you're bummed for them. If they received a bad grade or had an argument with a friend, you feel sad too. You want the best for your bae, so if they get bad news, you feel it just as much.

15.

There’s chemistry

Of course, the physical aspect of a relationship is important and with you and your SO, it's definitely there. Sometimes you feel like you can't keep your hands off each other, but you're also very respectful of each other's boundaries.

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16. You’re there for each other

Yes, being in a relationship is a lot of fun, but soulmates are there in good times and in bad, meaning when you're going through something tough, you know you can count on your SO to listen and be there with you through it all.

17.

You’re secure in the relationship

It's totally normal to get jealous, but you should have 100 percent trust in your person. No one will get in between you two so your SO can go off and hang with friends, maybe go to a party you have to miss, and you don’t worry about the status of your relationship.

18.

You just want to be around each other

You don't always feel the need to plan elaborate dates. Simply being around each other is the best. You can sit in silence and feel each other's presence and it lifts you up. In fact, sitting in silence together feels completely comfortable. You don't need to fill it with small talk because it feels totally natural to just be near each other and read a book, scroll TikTok, or journal. There are rarely conversations that feel forced or clumsy.

19. You feel like you’ve known them forever

Whether you've been dating for five months or five years, being with your soulmate feels like you've known them your whole entire life. It oftentimes feels unimaginable that they weren't there for certain events in life, simply because you hadn't met them yet. There's a near instant, effortless connection that's filled with respect, admiration, and love.

20. Sometimes, you feel like you can read their mind

It's easy to communicate with your significant other — so easy that you might even feel like you can read their mind at times. Maybe it's because you're on the same page about upcoming plans, or just know what they're going to say before they say it. You might also just know their facial expressions so well, that you understand how they're feeling without them having to say a word.

21. Your friends and family get along

A good sign that you're with the right person is if your friends and family get along with them well. In most situations, your besties and fam were in your life for longer than your SO, and they want to see you in happy and healthy relationship. Their approval means a lot. Trust your gut, but if there's a reason that someone important in your life doesn't like your partner, listen to their concerns and try to engage in an open, honest conversation with them.

Carolyn Twersky

Associate Editor

Carolyn Twersky is an associate editor for Seventeen covering celebrities, entertainment, politics, trends, and health. On her off time, she's probably watching Ru Paul's Drag Race, traversing NYC for the best donuts, or, most likely, enjoying time in her favorite place in the world: her bed.  

Leah Campano

Assistant Editor

Leah Campano is an assistant editor at Seventeen, where she covers pop culture, entertainment news, health, and politics. On the weekends, you can probably find her watching marathons of vintage Real Housewives episodes or searching for New York City’s best almond croissants. 

23 Signs He Loves You

Figuring out whether your crush likes you back is one thing, but trying to find out if the person you’ve caught major feelings for has fallen equally hard can be even more intense. Yes, we’re talking about decoding whether they’re in love with you, and, TBH, it’s a big question. While we wish we could say it’s an easy one to answer, figuring out whether that person you’ve been dating/hooking up with has caught the big-time feels can be pretty complicated—unless of course they straight up tell you.

“The best way to find out whether or not someone loves you is to ask them,” explains marriage and family therapist Alyson Bullock. “Learning the skill of clear, direct communication is one of the most helpful things for your relationship.”

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While speaking up about your feelings—especially the intense, romantic ones—might sound spooky, holding back or spending months waiting around wondering how your partner really feels probably isn't doing you (or your relationship!) any favors. “In order to stay grounded in each person’s reality, there must be clear, honest, and direct communication about the feelings each person has for the other,” Bullock explains.

So yeah, if you’ve got those serious feels for someone and want to know if they love you back, the easiest way to find out is to be honest with them about your feelings and hope they respond in kind. But because being the first to drop the L-bomb can be absolutely terrifying easier said than done, you may want to do a little covert sleuthing to suss out what kind of feelings the object of your affections may have brewing. Luckily, Bullock says there can be some key signs to look out for if you’re trying to figure out if your partner loves you.

In fact, just because your partner hasn't officially dropped the whole "I love you" thing, it doesn’t mean they’re not experiencing all the feels. Bullock says it's entirely possible your partner could be feeling a deep love, even if they haven't said the famous three words, eight letters yet. Maybe they've been hurt before, or simply just want to take things slow. Which is, of course, totally valid. This is where respecting boundaries is important!

And while you don't want to read too much into your partner's actions, oftentimes they do speak louder than words. If you notice your partner doing any of the below things, there’s a solid chance they’re moving right along into definite love territory.

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1. You're part of their social media.

Like it or not, social media is here to stay, and Bullock says if your partner involves you in their socials, whether that’s posting about you, tagging you, or simply being chill about you looking over their shoulder when they scroll, it might “show they’re not afraid to take you public,” she explains. While that doesn’t mean they have to post about you nonstop, at least occasional social media interaction likely means “they want the world to know you’re an item, and they also have nothing to hide as far as illicit online relationships.”

2. They talk about a future with you in it.

We don’t mean they’ve planned out your wedding, but when your partner mentions something like how cute your kids would be, or how they want to go backpacking with you next semester, Bullock explains that’s a clear sign they can at least picture a future with you. “The future is where people’s dreams live, and including you in those dreams is a pretty sure sign they’re in love with you,” she says.

3. They never leave you wondering when (or if!) you’re going to see them next.

Someone who likes you is going to make plans with you, end of story. Someone who loves you is going to make sure they always know exactly when they’ll be seeing you next. If they’re already planning your next date before they even kiss you goodbye and it seems like all their free time is going straight to you, there’s a good chance love is in the air.

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4. They’re ~emotionally~ intimate with you.

Being physically intimate is one thing, but being vulnerable and sharing intimate details is a whole other, and it could be a sign your S.O. feels safe with you. “These details could be anything from sharing a most embarrassing moment to telling you about their first experience with depression,” Bullock says. “If they trust you with the parts of them that they hide from other people, you can be sure that they care for you on a deep level.”

5. They want to meet your friends and family.

If introducing them to your family is NBD, they actually want to join your friends for brunch, and they can’t wait to be your plus-one to your cousin’s wedding next month, that’s someone who probably has some pretty intense feelings. A person who is eager to be a part of your whole life, including your friendships and family life, is probably someone whose feelings are getting pretty serious. In other words, yeah, they love you.

6.

They pick up thoughtful gifts for you.

Even if they're not the best gift-giver in the world, they buy you socks with corgis on them just because they know you love corgis. Know what I mean? They pay attention to things you mention or at least try to find something you didn’t even know you needed.

7.

They inadvertently do tasks and chores you hate.

Okay, so some people just aren’t big on gifts, and that’s fine—it’s a love language, after all. But if your partner is doing your dishes, taking your trash out, making your bed in the a.m., or doing any sort of chore/necessity you would otherwise hate doing yourself, it’s a pretty good sign they have the hots for you, says Alex Z., 29. Now we don't mean they're scrubbing your entire apartment (but if so, yay!), but checking off those pesky task items you despise—without you asking—is a v good sign. It's also v convenient when your dishes keep stacking up.

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8.

They try to get into the things you like.

Like, maybe he sat through an entire season of The Bachelor and listened to you rant about the contestants just because? “If it makes her happy, then it makes me happy,” says Francisco C. , 26. This doesn't mean they have to like everything you like or even end up liking it at all, but showing interest in the things that get you excited shows a desire to connect with you on multiple levels.

9. They remember small details.

Maybe when the holidays roll around they surprise you with the exact bag you mentioned literal months ago, maybe they remember exactly what you were wearing on your first date, or maybe they’ve memorized every detail of that funny story you told them once about that embarrassing thing you did on the bus in high school. The point is, someone who’s paying attention to the little things is definitely falling in love.

10.

They're reminded of you All! The! Time!

If they find a way to make every story about you or something that you did together, there’s probably a good chance they have some feels. "When songs on the radio remind you of them or things you did together," says Ross G. , 28. Granted, you might not *know* about all of these instances because hi, it's pretty personal. But if you ever get sent a meme or text with a "this made me think of you," things are looking up in the love department.

11.

They find any reason to bring you up to their friends and family.

Literally any reason. “When I’m in love, that person typically comes up more often than not in conversation with my friends and family,” says Hayden K., 25. “It’s like everything you talk about reminds you of a story with them.” Since you're probably not always with their inner circle solo, pay attention to what their friends say when you *do* see them. If your S.O.'s pals ask about the new promotion or hobby milestone you def didn't tell them about, that's a sign your S.O. brags about you and wants their friends to like you.

12. They want to learn about your past.

Someone who loves you is usually pretty eager to know everything about you, including who you were when you were younger and how you became who you are today. If they’re asking a lot of questions about your past, your family, and your background—and remembering the details!—that’s a pretty good sign they’re in love.

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13.

They don't get FOMO when they're with you.

If someone has the option to go out with their friends, 90 percent of the time, they're going to go out with their friends. But if the question is: hang out with friends or hang out with you, and they make plans with you instead, that is a great sign. “I know I’m not having FOMO when I’m with them,” says Matt D., 25. This is because love shifts our perspective, Bullock says, so hanging with the bros doesn't feel quite as important as it once did.

14. They don’t freak out when you cry.

Okay, yes, so anyone in your life who cares about you should be able to handle a few tears. That said, crying is super vulnerable—especially in front of a (new) romantic partner. If you can have a little breakdown in front of your person without feeling awkward, embarrassed, or worried about “scaring them off,” that’s a good sign you’re both in love.

15. You’re the first person they tell good news.

It’s a little bit of a cliché, but For! Good! Reason! If you’re the first person they want to tell about their new job, big promotion, or finally scoring tickets to see their fave musician of all time, things are certainly looking like love.

16. They're (almost) always paying attention.

While you can’t expect them to have a perfect memory, they remember virtually everything. Or at the very least, they remember the super important stuff. And when something big comes up, they make it super clear they're all ears. They put their phone down or pause the movie, with the reason being they care enough to focus on you. You’re not an afterthought. “More than anything, just being a good listener is a good sign,” says Carter M., 26.

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17. They let you know they're thinking about you.

They might not text you “I love you,” but they message you when they hear that song you had stuck in your head the other day or when someone at work used a phrase you hate. Basically, you’re always on their mind. And when you're in public, they put their hand around your waist and give it a little squeeze at just the right moments. Even more, Bullock says when someone is in love with you, they'll typically go out of their way to create those sweet moments of intimacy.

18. They drop everything when you need it most.

It’s not even a question. If you need them, for whatever reason, they're there...and they don't drag their feet or complain later that they helped you out. In fact, Bullock says they'll likely change their schedule for you—even if it's inconvenient—if they're in lurve. It's also a good sign if they notice when something is wrong, even if you don’t admit it. (But also, you should just admit it, since they know anyway.)

19. You’re the person they text as a test when their phone is being weird.

Okay, hear me out on this one. You know when you get a new phone and iMesssage takes a little while to sync up, or for whatever reason you can’t send images or whatever and you need to text a trusted person to test if the issue has been resolved? Yeah, that person is your soulmate. Sorry, I don’t make the rules; just facts here. If you’re the person getting those, “Hey can you let me know if this text comes through normal?” messages, that’s love, baby.

20. They know when something’s wrong without you having to tell them.

When the vibes are off and they can tell as soon as you walk in the door—even if you’re actively trying to hide it—that’s a person who is super in sync with your emotions. Someone who knows something’s up with you practically before you do—and who actually cares—is probably someone who loves you.

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21. They lean on you for support.

You’re their go-to. You keep their head on straight. They text or call you when they feel like walking out of work or skipping a day at the gym. They trust you more than anyone, and even when you two fight (because yup, every couple has arguments), you're both willing to put in the effort to fix things since you know how strong you are together as a team.

22. They support your dreams.

They're not about to let you quit your job so you can move to Spain and try your hand at bullfighting out of the blue, but they absolutely would help you open your own restaurant, or go back to school to major as an engineer. Or… if it made personal sense to you, become a bullfighter. And yup, they brag about you. Sometimes you feel like they're more proud of your new job than you are.

23. You catch them staring at you and smiling to themselves.

Bullock says that giddy, butterflies-in-the-belly feeling is thanks to the ~love hormone~ called oxytocin. When you experience these feelings and hormone surges long enough, real, lasting love can form. And if you’ve ever witnessed the cuteness of your S.O. just gazing at you with adoration, it’s safe to say they're crazy about you.

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Frank Kobola

Frank is a contributing writer for Cosmopolitan.com

Taylor Andrews

Rachel Varina

Rachel Varina is a full-time freelance writer covering everything from the best vibrators (the Lelo Sona) to the best TV shows (The Vampire Diaries). She has over 10 years of editorial experience with bylines at Women's Health, Elite Daily, Betches, and more. She lives in Tampa, Florida, but did not feed her husband to tigers. When she's not testing out new sex toys (100+ and counting so far!), she's likely chilling with her dogs or eating buffalo chicken dip. Ideally at the same time. Follow her on Instagram and Twitter. 

"Hold on", "I understand you", "The time has come" - how not to console - About Palliative

Content

"I understand you"

"Calm down", "Pull yourself together" strong!"

"Hold on"

"Everything will be fine", "Everything will be fine", "Life goes on"

"You will have more children", "You will still have a healthy baby"

"It's time"

"God takes the best" , “God took, God gave”, “Now he is with God, he is well”

“How are you?”

How to help? Indifference

When you think about what to say to a person experiencing grief, usually either banal words or dry phrases come to mind, or you don’t know what to say at all. For example, when a person goes to work after the loss of a loved one, colleagues find it important to say: “Condolences,” “I’m sorry,” “I sympathize.” But it’s one thing when it’s said from the heart, by those who really sympathize, it’s another thing when such words are repeated all over the place. nine0026

Duty phrases, at best, pass by, but can also offend, anger when they are said just to say, for the sake of form.

This happens not at all because people are stupid, cruel or indifferent, but because they feel embarrassed and consider it their duty to say something, to somehow respond to someone else's grief. I believe that the principle should work here: if the words come from the soul, from the heart, if you want to say - speak. But don't use dry platitudes just to say it. If you don’t know what to say, shut up or tell the truth: “I don’t know what to say to you now. What can I do for you to make you feel better? Do you want me to just sit next to you? We can be silent or talk together. What can I do for you?". Because it happens that people in an attempt to console a grieving person only make it more painful. nine0003

“I understand you”

Usually the inner reaction to such an attempt to console is: “No, you don't understand!”. Your wounds always hurt more. Even if you had a similar situation in your life, it is yours, you experienced it differently. Grief is always individual.

In addition, when a person experiences his own grief, he does not want to hear about how it was with you. It is important for him to talk about his .

Once upon a time we were on the “Hot Line” (“Hot Line” of the Center for Emergency Psychological Assistance of the Ministry of Emergency Situations of Russia, which Larisa Pyzhyanova led from 2007 to 2014 - ed.) 9A woman called 0026 and told how her father, a pilot, died 20 years ago. Once, calling, she got on a young employee. And she began to tell him how hard it was for her, because at that time there was no psychological support, and she was left alone with her grief. And the young guy "on the machine" replied: "Yes, I understand." The woman asked again: “Your father, a pilot, also died 20 years ago?!”

The words "I understand you" can still be positively perceived when other parents who have lost a child so sympathize with the parents who have also lost a child. And you still need to be careful - everyone's situation is different! Someone had a child who was absolutely healthy, successful and died suddenly, as a result of a tragic accident: in one moment, his whole life changed. For others, on the contrary, the child was seriously ill for a long time, they realized that he would die. Which one is harder? Can they understand each other? nine0003

Test. Can you comfort someone in grief?

Take the test “Can you console a person in grief?

Pass the test

Therefore, there are no blanks and standard phrases for consolation, some kind of universal training manual: everything is very individual.

"Calm down", "Pull yourself together"

you feel!" This is a devaluation of his feelings. It must be understood that if he could, he would have calmed down without any "prompts". But his grief, his fear is poured out in this form, these are such strong emotions that he is not able to cope with them. nine0003

Actually, hysterics, screams, aggression, tears are nothing more than a request for help: he wants to be heard, understood.

In this case, it is necessary to recognize and describe his feelings in words: “I see that you are angry.” However, sensitivity is also needed here, it is necessary to choose the right words, because if a person who is furious says directly to the forehead: “I see that you are annoyed,” he will simply explode. You need to get into the emotion exactly: “You can’t cope, you want to do something, but you don’t know what.” Why is it important to say? To make the person feel that you understand him. In fact, all his reactions are about this: “You can’t hear me. Hear me! nine0003

Aggression, rage, hysteria can frighten the very person who shows these emotions. He looks at himself from the outside and thinks: “What am I doing?! I must be crazy."

But in a situation of great grief, crying, crying is normal. We must give him the right to behave like this : “Cry, shout out. You're furious now, let her out. You have a right to it." By giving such “permission” to express feelings, you also remove guilt from a person.

Photo: Priscilla Du Preez / Unsplash

In our culture, it is generally not customary to openly express one's feelings, boys are told from childhood: “Don't cry”, tears are considered weakness. Therefore, men often hold back. When I saw that a man who had lost a child was balancing on the edge - his lips were shaking, he was clenching his fists - I could sit next to him, take his hand and say: “There are times when everyone has the right to cry, even men. Cry, you have the right to do so . But how else - you have a great grief, how could it be otherwise? He cried. And he felt better. nine0003

Experience of grief at work How to help yourself when you have to experience acute grief and at the same time continue to work, fulfill your social functions

Grief causes strong emotions, acute feelings - and this is an absolutely normal reaction. Sometimes giving someone “permission” to cry when they don’t give it to themselves can be a big help.

"You have to be strong!"

In fact, when we say: "Calm down", "Pull yourself together", "Be strong" - we show concern not for the person who is in grief, but for ourselves. nine0003

It's hard to see other people's strong emotions, we don't know what to do with them, we want it to stop, that's why we say such phrases that have a message behind them: “Don't show me all this horror, your emotions scare me! ".

But sometimes it is important to say to a person like this: “Now you are crying, sobbing, you are in grief, you have a right to it. But it will be very important for us today to do this and that (for example, to draw up documents). You cry, but when you can, let's talk about it." nine0003

It happens that one person in the family, as it were, takes away the “monopoly on the mountain” and allows himself to blame everyone, to fight endlessly in hysterics and aggression, not noticing that his family is also very bad. It is important to say: “You are in great grief. But it is also with your husband, and with your children, your parents - they all suffer. You must be together in your common grief."

When else do you want to say to a person: “Pull yourself together, be strong”? When he has apathy, he turned away to the wall and lies like that for days, not reacting to anything. Such manifestations of grief are worse than aggression or crying: apathy suggests that a person has no strength. nine0003

Therefore, it is pointless to demand from him that he pull himself together, get ready. You need to take care of him on a physical level: bring him food, drink, feed him, if necessary, give him tea. And then slowly stir him up: smoothly involve him in some kind of activity - offer to take a walk, go to the store, help with the housework. Then the forces will appear.

“Hold on”

Indeed, this very common duty phrase often causes nothing but irritation. “What are you holding on for?!”, “How are you holding on?”. nine0003

Society's attitude towards death. From the book “In the Middle of Life” Why, despite the inevitability of death, we try not to talk about it, and how this “conspiracy of silence” affects children who have lost loved ones

But just recently I heard the story of a young woman. She was very upset by the loss of her husband, she cried a lot, yearned. She had an elderly father-in-law, to whom she treated with great warmth. And once I went to him to support, to be near. However, when she arrived, she realized that if she started talking, she would burst into tears. She did not want to cry - she came to support, and not to be consoled. nine0003

It turned out that they just sat silently at the table all evening. We drank tea and were silent. And when she got up to say goodbye and leave, her father-in-law hugged her and said: “Hold on, daughter.” And in these words there was so much love, care and anxiety for her, so much desire to help and at least somehow support, that she later admitted: “It was as if grace descended on me at that moment and I realized that I could survive my grief.” Listening to her, I understood the seemingly obvious - not so much the words are important, but the feelings that stand behind them. nine0003

“Everything will be fine”, “Everything will be fine”, “Life goes on”

whatever happened. Naturally, he doesn't want to hear about it. A person in acute grief thinks very differently: "I will be fine only if my loved one is next to me again."

It may be good, but in a different way, and not immediately. First, he will have to learn to live without a loved one who has died. Grief is a process. nine0003

During mourning, a person performs a huge inner work, which is to keep the love and memory of the deceased, to go on in life without him. At the beginning of this journey, he does not imagine how good it is, but without a loved one. Therefore, the phrase "Everything will work out" is more likely to provoke an internal protest than to support.

But at the same time, you can tell him: “I know that it’s very hard for you now, but I also know that you can handle it.”

At the moment of acute grief, a person is in an altered state of consciousness, he often does not remember what friends or a psychologist say to him. But you can say these words to him, on which he can then rely: “You are very bad now, there will be moments when it will be even worse, and then better: it will be different. Everything that happens is normal, this is how grief is experienced, and there is no other way. The main thing to remember: you can handle it . You will be able to survive it. Take your time, give yourself time, strength will come, and you will learn to live on.

Unchildish grief Oncopsychologist Pavel Sapozhnikov on how to talk to a child about the death of parents

This must be said with confidence. Where such confidence? The fact is that a person has internal strengths and resources to cope with almost everything, this is how he is arranged, we know this from many examples. You do not know if he will be all right, but you hope that he has the strength to endure his great grief. You convey your hope to him in the form of the attitude "You can do it, you can do it. " And somewhere at the level of his subconscious, this is fixed as a fact: “I can”, and this becomes a support. nine0003

“You will still have children”, “You will give birth to a healthy child”

This is often the way to comfort the parents of a dead child. But we must understand that for them the very thought of another child can be tantamount to the betrayal of a deceased child. In addition, no one knows whether they will have more children, whether they want to have children. It happens that a man consults: “I am so afraid that my wife may go crazy. Can we have another child? I understand that all this is from the best of intentions, but I always answer this way: “You probably had the worst thing that can happen in life - you lost a child. We lost the one you love, who became the meaning of life, with whom so many hopes were associated. And now 9 more0025 his time is the time of your parting with him, the time when you learn to live without him. Live this time, and then decide whether you will have more children or not.

But in fact, the truth here is also something else: if parents give birth to a child immediately after the loss, then there is a high risk that they can give birth to a substitute child.

This situation is dangerous because parents can unwittingly make the second child responsible for living the life of the deceased: they will compare him out loud or mentally with the first child, correct his behavior. They do this without wanting anything bad, simply, not having fully experienced the loss, they cannot renounce the image of the deceased child and transfer it to the newly born. But a completely different person was born! With its own characteristics, its own character and life tasks. And he may not resemble a dead child in any way. This pain can resonate in the soul of the parents and severe resentment in the soul of the child who is not accepted for who he is. nine0003

If guilt tears the heart apart In all the languages ​​of the universe, so different, we are connected by one dialect - the one that sounds in our hearts as the voice of pain. When we lose loved ones...

Psychologists usually advise not to make vital decisions within a year or two after the loss. You must first survive the grief, and then think about how to build your life further.

“The time has come”

This is how people often talk about the death of elderly people. This may sound arrogant. How can a person so confidently declare for whom it is time to die, and for whom it is not? nine0003

Another thing is that for a person who is experiencing the loss of a beloved grandparent or parent, it does not matter how old they were. What difference does it make if it's time or not? He's hurt by the breakup!

When, after the death of my mother, I was filling out the necessary documents, I went into one office, and a woman I knew was sitting there. She said to me so calmly: “Mom died? Well, such is her age, her time has come - and she died. Yes, my mother was 79 years old, a worthy age, God forbid we all live so long. I didn’t answer her, but I thought: “You shouldn’t have said that.” It seems to be a standard phrase, but it doesn't sound good at all. "Her time has come." Maybe so, but it is very difficult for someone who has just lost a loved one to hear this. This phrase cannot console anyone. nine0003

“God takes the best”, “God took, God gave”, “Now he is with God, he feels good”

The phrase “God takes the best” is also dubious consolation, it is incomprehensible and illogical. It turns out that those who live long are the worst?

"Now he is with God" - so a believer can say to another believer. But this, rather, is not a consolation, but a statement: they both believe in it. However, the pain of separation from such words still does not decrease: when a person dies, we cry for ourselves, because we are bitter to part. nine0003

Photo: Jack Sharp / Unsplash

Saying such words to a non-religious, unchurched person very often means to inflame his wounds. There is a movie called "Rabbit Hole" where parents are shown dealing with the death of a child. They come to a support group, and there one mother says: “I know that my baby is now an angel, he is with God, he is fine. And we are happy! In response, the second mother explodes: “What, God can’t make himself angels?! Why did he want my child?

Such conversations with unchurched people can cause strong aggression. In general, resentment against God often arises at a moment of grief, people may be perplexed: “Why did God take my son (or husband, wife)? I don't need a God like that!"

Therefore, people who truly believe can talk about God among themselves. And, in addition, we must remember that faith is something deeply personal: each of us has our own beliefs, our own life experience and experience of faith, so the same words can respond in people in very different ways. nine0003

How are you?

This phrase is rather an attempt to make contact when a person does not know what to say, but it is important for him to start talking to someone who is experiencing a loss. And what to say? "How do you?". You need to understand that the answer to such a question can be anything, and be aware of how you will act further. As a phrase to enter into a dialogue, such words can take place, but they should not be limited.

If a person cares, he can ask differently: “ What can I do for you? . Even if the mourner says, "Nothing," that's okay too.

At some point he needs to be left alone, or he really doesn't know how to help him. If you have specific suggestions, it’s better to voice them: “Let me stay with you”, “Let me come, help you with the housework, cook something”, “Let me take a walk with your children.”

In fact, often a person really does not need anything - just to be around, that's enough. Nothing special to say and no need ...

“Stay with me” — this is the meaning of the hospice The legendary St. Petersburg psychiatrist, MD, honorary doctor of the University of Essex, Andrey Vladimirovich Gnezdilov about work and life in the hospice

It so happened that when my mother died , there were no relatives, no relatives, no friends next to me, they were all in Moscow, and I was a thousand kilometers away. And, of course, despite all my professional and life experience, I experienced fear, grief, and confusion.

I don't know how I would have coped, but, thank God, my friend was there. The closest, the most real, with whom we have been friends for 36 years. She did not say any special words, did not perform heroic deeds, she was simply there all the time - in intensive care, when the doctor said: “We did everything we could ...”, in the morgue, where it was so unbearably scary to go alone, because there lies your mother, at home, in the cemetery, after the funeral. I don't know how she did it, because the academic year was starting, she was the head of the department at the university, and she had a lot of things to do, and the university was in another city. She left, came and at the same time was always there. I don't know how I would have been without her. nine0003

Then my relatives arrived and I felt better from their very presence. I decided to stay until 9 days, and my son told me: "I'm staying too. " I began to object that he had a university, studies, and he calmly replied: “I will be here as long as you will be.” This cannot be overestimated.

How can I help? Indifference

I have been working with people experiencing acute grief for many years, and still every time before meeting a person I am in some kind of stupor: I don’t know what exactly I will tell him. But when you come into contact with a person, there is an emotional connection between you, and the words come by themselves. For each they will be different. That's why I think it's important to feel the person. And this will not work if you are indifferent to him. nine0003

We can support a person only when we are emotionally with him, when we care.

There is such an idea that if you are not indifferent to everyone who has grief, you will “burn out”, waste yourself, it will destroy you, so you need to keep your distance. But all my experience says otherwise.

Indifference gives strength: we not only give, we receive.

When you fence yourself off and try to avoid difficult experiences, they still overtake you and “break through”, and this destroys you. At the moment when I communicate with a person, he is the most important person in the world for me. If you approach human grief in this way, the necessary phrases are found, and burnout does not occur. nine0003

You may be interested:

How to help a grieving childHow a child perceives death and experiences grief at different ages, why it is important to take children to funerals, and why the phrases “Poor thing, you are left alone” or “Now you are the head of the house” are dangerous People can't stand other people's pain About what can be done for a person who has lost a loved one. Personal experience. Grief is special for the elderly How to help your elderly parents cope with losses and worries Men don't cry Why it is difficult for grieving men to show their feelings and what to do about it

Larisa Pyzhyanova

The material was prepared using a grant from the President of the Russian Federation provided by the Presidential Grants Foundation.

How to politely answer a person if he interferes in his own business

January 16 Relationship

How much do you earn? And when is the wedding? Are you planning on having kids? Wow. Hold back your anger and be able to respond with dignity. nine0003

You can listen to the article. If it's more convenient for you, turn on the podcast.

Sometimes people around you forget about tact and ask questions that baffle with their impudence. There is no desire to answer them frankly, and this is not necessary, because there are many ways to get away from the answer and avoid an awkward situation, while remaining within the bounds of decency.

Diplomatic answers

Sometimes irrelevant questions come from complete strangers, with whom, nevertheless, there is no need to spoil relations. And even more so, you should not satisfy their curiosity. Politely but firmly enough to let them know that you do not intend to develop a discussion of the topic raised. Here's how you can answer:

  • I don't want to talk about it.
  • Sorry, but this is private.
  • It doesn't matter. Oh yeah, what's the difference.
  • Long story.
  • Difficult question. I can't answer it like that.
  • Why are we all about me! Let's talk about you better.
  • Sorry, I can't tell you that. I hope you understand.

By the way, the phrase “I hope you understand” works wonders. It lets your opponent know that you consider him a polite and tactful person who knows why you cannot carry on a conversation on a topic he has raised. nine0003

Your words will sound kinder if you say them with a smile.

Answers for the especially curious

What is tactlessness for some may be healthy curiosity for others, in which there is nothing to be ashamed of. Such people do not even realize that their questions have offended you. They are waiting for a sincere answer and will probably repeat their question if you try to hush up the conversation. Hints won't get you anything either.

For example, if you respond to an inappropriate question with a meaningful counter “Why are you asking?”, be prepared for the fact that this will not work and the person will not understand that he asked too much. It may also happen that you get a stunning answer in its simplicity: "I'm just wondering." After that, they will continue to wait for a response from you. In this case, you will have to say directly that you do not want to discuss this topic. nine0003

The dialogue may not end there, because your interlocutor will sincerely ask why you don't want to talk about it. And if you have the time and patience, it would be useful to really explain why you think the subject matter is inappropriate. You will have to answer simply and directly:

  • Because we discuss this issue only in the family circle and with no one else.
  • Because I don't like this topic.
  • Because it's personal and concerns only me. nine0297
  • Because I promised not to talk about it.
  • Because I don't like to share these things.
  • Because I don't feel like it.

It is very important to say this in a calm tone, without a challenge in your voice. Let the interlocutor understand that you are not hostile, but you will not allow to violate your boundaries.

It is more difficult if your interlocutor is not just curious, but deliberately seeks to embarrass you. In this case, there is nothing left but to say directly that you will not answer this question and this topic is not discussed. nine0003

Answers with humor

The first reaction to a tactless question is shock and indignation. However, the person who asked it may not have done it to hurt you or provoke a quarrel, but simply without thinking. Most often, this is done by friends and relatives who are sure that we will always understand them correctly and will not be offended. To avoid conflict in such situations, try laughing it off:

  • Is this an interrogation? I need a lawyer!
  • How much do I get? Isn't it just food for work? nine0297
  • It's a secret. Can you keep secrets? I can too.
  • Of course I can tell you, but after that I will have to kill you.
  • Married when? Today I probably won't be able to. Maybe tomorrow.

So you throw the ball to the half of the field of your interlocutor. Now let him think about how to react to your joke.

Did you ask? We answer!

How much do you earn?

  • Enough for life.
  • Thank you, I'm not complaining. nine0297
  • We would like more, of course, but who wouldn't, right?

When will you get married / have kids?

  • Everything has its time.
  • When we are ready to take on such responsibility.
  • As soon as possible.

Why were you fired?

  • Long story. Tell me how you're doing.
  • Oh, everything is so complicated there, I don't want to bore you with details.
  • Because everything ends someday and it's time to move on. nine0297

Dating someone?