How to survive your child leaving for college

How to Cope With Your Child Leaving For College

When it comes to your child leaving for college for the first time, this is one of those experiences that is both exciting and daunting. For parents, in particular, it can be a time of mixed emotions.

Here at Hocking College, we want every single student to succeed. We also want the parents of our students to relax, stop worrying, and have faith that their children are succeeding in their new college environment.

Here are five tips for parents on how to cope when your child leaves for college:

Acknowledge your conflicting feelings

You share your child’s excitement. Yet, you might also be worried and anxious. You will most likely experience some sadness and grief. Acknowledge these feelings. Allow yourself to cry. Remember though, that leaving for college is a good thing, and that your grief is temporary. You will adjust.

Focus on your life

Don’t let your worries distract you from your own life. Maybe you have other children at home who need your attention. They are missing their siblings as well - even if they deny it and are reveling in having their own room for the first time! Focus on your marriage and your relationships with friends and family. Dive into a work project. Spend time on a hobby that you’ve neglected. Start an exercise program. Keep yourself busy.

Find new ways to communicate

Surely you will miss seeing your child at the breakfast table every morning. You will notice that you don’t run out of milk quite as often. Your water bill will go down when your teenager is not home everyday to take ridiculously long showers. That doesn’t mean that you can’t touch base with them in new ways.

Facebook is an excellent way to communicate and to keep tabs on the new friends that your child is making. FaceTime is a fun way to talk on the phone and to see your child’s face at the same time. It’s interesting to see your child’s dorm room during a conversation, or for your child to catch a glimpse of the family pets. Skype works just as well. Email is fast and easy. Hand-written letters and cards are kind of wonderful too. Those letters will someday become cherished mementos.

Resist the urge to hover

You will be tempted to check in on a daily basis. Maybe this is okay for the first week or so. Slowly, cut back - give your child some room to grow. Some teenagers adjust more quickly than others and you will determine what is best. Try to resist solving every single problem they encounter. College is a place for learning and also a time for them to experience independence. Be supportive. Listen. Let them figure things out for themselves.

Plan regular visits to see your child

Encourage your child to enjoy her time at school: study hard, make friends, get involved. As much as you may miss them, (and as much as they may miss you,) don’t encourage them to come home every single weekend. Plan visits in advance - look forward to long weekends and holidays. Find out if there are special events that your child is involved in at Hocking College and plan a time to come visit and spend a day on campus.

Bottom Line

In summary, acknowledge your feelings, and know that your grief will soon turn into relief. You will soon realize that your child is capable of taking care of herself, and is adapting well to her new circumstances. Your sense of relief will in turn, become joy, when you realize that your child is happy and succeeding in college and building a bright future for herself.

Your hard work as a parent is paying off big time! Good job Mom & Dad!

How to deal when a child heads off to college: A parent's survival guide

For weeks, I stood in the grocery store and sobbed. Casually, I would wipe away the tears, as if crying in a supermarket were the most natural thing in the world.

My eldest child had left for college and in almost every aisle of the store, there was yet another reminder of this with something else I didn’t need to buy.

Parents who deal best with this change have planned ahead.Getty Images

I had dreaded his departure for 18 years and although I hoped it might not be as bad as I feared, it was worse. I cried in my car and in the shower and, even with two kids home, his absence left a gaping hole. When his younger brothers left in the ensuing years, I fared no better.

The pain I felt with each of my kids’ departures was partly from missing their joyous presence. But on a deeper level, I was forced to confront that no matter how much we stayed in touch, as their lives diverged from mine I would know them that little bit less. Every year, we would share fewer experiences.

I chose the worst possible coping strategy to deal with my sons’ imminent departure: denial. But there are far better ways to manage this life-changing transition:

1. Plan for your freshman’s departure

Melissa T. Schultz, author of the forthcoming book “From Mom to Me Again: How I Survived My First Empty Nest Year and Reinvented the Rest of My Life,”describes the off-to-college transition as going from “being constantly on call to not being called.”

Schultz found the parents who dealt best with this change had planned ahead. She urges parents to shift some of their focus back towards themselves and find non-parent ways to enjoy spending their time while their kids are still in high school.

“When the kids leave, a lot of that glorious energy they bring to our lives goes with them. We need to figure out how to fill our lives with our own energy,” Schultz explains.

The mothers who move on most quickly from their initial sadness are those who have actively prepared themselves for their kids’ departure, Carin Rubinstein, professor of psychology at Pima College, learned when she surveyed a thousand empty nest mothers.

These women had ramped up their working hours, gone back to work part-time or immersed themselves in new interests so that even during the first week after their freshman left home, they were prepared.

2. For most parents the sadness will soon pass

Rubenstein found most mothers had a bout of real grief after they dropped their kids at college. Yet nine out of ten moved on from this feeling within a month or two, and many much sooner.

As parents realized they had their own life back, grief was soon replaced by relief and later turned to joy. Parents typically took between six to nine months to move through these stages. A quarter of the mothers she surveyed went right to the joy stage soon after college drop off.

“Moms don’t like to admit this, but in essence their life can be much better when their kids leave. We have many years of life left afterwards and we can enjoy those years,” Rubenstein explains.

3. Be gentle with yourself and acknowledge the big changes in your life

We are not just saying goodbye to our child, but to a way of life, governed for decades by the school year. There is no more standing by the sideline with parents we have known forever or sitting in the audience watching school performances.

Relationships, even ones once thought to be real friendships, may be gone. We may feel the loss of our role as our teen’s day-to-day parent and of our own identities, rooted for so long in parenthood.

The pain of our kids leaving for college is an emotional cocktail of worry and sadness. Part of it is concern for how our kids will acclimatize to their new setting. Many parents find the transition much easier once they know their kids are settled.

4. Focus on your family, marriage and other relationships

Schultz found the biggest fear of every woman she interviewed was how her relationship or marriage would adapt once the kids left for college. Women were concerned that after decades of being together, all they had in common with their partner was their children.

Sara Gorchoff, assistant professor of psychology at Monmouth College, examined the the marriages of empty nesters and “our research found that of the women we studied, on average, their marital satisfaction got better once their kids left. We specifically found that these women were spending a similar amount of time with their partners, as they had when their kids were in the home, but they enjoyed that time more. ”

“There are many studies that show with the arrival of kids, marital satisfaction decreases,” Gorchoff notes in explaining the change. “Caring for kids is stressful and tiring and you associate your partner with the things you are doing. Having kids leave is an opportunity to re-associate your partner with fun, excitement and relaxation”

Parents aren't the only ones feeling the loss. Siblings may feel they've lost their life long companion. Family rituals can slip and familiar patterns change, leaving younger siblings adrift.

Once my older sons left for college, I all but abandoned grocery shopping until my youngest reminded me that even with his brothers gone, he still liked to eat.

Parents can help younger brothers and sisters adapt by encouraging siblings to stay in touch without parental involvement, bringing them to Family Weekend or finding ways to mark family celebrations together.

By video chatting, my younger sons we able to see their brother's dorm room, meet his roommates, haul our dog into the picture and be reminded they were still very much a part of each other’s lives.

5. Find new ways to communicate

Generations went off to college with nothing more than a quick weekly phone call because long distance calls were so expensive. Times have changed. Parents might want to explicitly discuss what method of communication works best for every family member.

Some families keep in touch electronically with text groups or Group Me, creating a virtual dinner table where the family dynamics can continue. Others set up regular video chats.

In an informal survey of college freshmen, Gorchoff found students were very happy with such regularly scheduled communications. Most students wanted to stay in fairly close contact with their parents, but “they just want to avoid frequent and unpredictable interruptions.”

Schultz recalls that when she was working late in her home office, her sons would see the light on and drop by to chat. After they left for college, the pattern continued. “In the wee hours, I would often send a little text with humor or a question that I hoped wouldn’t be intrusive. I let them know that the light was on. And it worked and continues to be how we connect.”

The journey to the empty nest takes many years. It starts when our eldest get their drivers’ licenses and ends when our youngest has a place of his own. During this lengthy process, we are reshaping our families. We should give this transition the same care and thought we do to every other major change, knowing it will be filled in some measure with pride, discomfort, sadness and joy.

How to survive the departure of a child to study

So the child graduated from school with her now completely unimportant problems, passed exams and received a certificate. Now he, like most other children, goes to university. Parents rejoice at this, forgetting that the child will soon leave them, going to study in a big city.

Parents, after taking their child to school, return home. It is good if there is a younger brother or sister of the new student. But if the child who left was the youngest or the only one, then the parents return home, as if to an empty nest. nine0004

How to cope with the departure of the child to study.

The life of parents changes dramatically as a result of their children's departure. The established patterns of behavior in the family are now becoming unclaimed, which contributes to depressive manifestations, changes in relationships and conflicts between spouses. It is characteristic that many couples break up precisely after the departure from the family of children who kept the parents together without realizing it.

Problems can arise even in strong and loving couples. Therefore, the internal climate in the family depends on the actions of its members. During this period of time, it is important not to try to solve your own problems associated with the feeling of loneliness that has appeared at the expense of your partner. This is fraught with an invasion of the so-called personal zone of a person, which in most cases will cause a response, but often an aggressive reaction. For example, if your husband has been spending several hours a day in the garage (sports section, on the Internet) for many years, then you don’t need to try to distract him from these activities due to the fact that you don’t know what to do with yourself. Even extra attention and care on your part may not be understood and accepted. nine0004

In this regard, each of the family members, first of all, must find an additional activity for himself, which will take time and help to survive the departure of children to study more easily. Take advantage of the situation to your advantage. After all, you finally have time for yourself, for your development, for satisfying your own needs and achieving personal goals.

To do this, sign up for some courses. At the very least, you will take your time and learn something useful. For example, a circle of dances, drawing, embroidery, macrame, origami, etc. In addition, you will be able to meet new people who have the same interests as you. It is possible that new acquaintances can even become your new friends. nine0004

Visit sports clubs and clubs. Regular physical exercises contribute not only to maintaining the body in a normal physical shape, but help to get rid of the accumulated negative emotions that have appeared as a result of the child's departure to study.
Help adults and children in distress, or engage in community service. Charity should be not only and not so much in the form of money, but in the form of direct participation and assistance.

Travel. Alone or, even better, together with your spouse. You will be able to visit those places that you have long wanted to visit. This is also a great opportunity to strengthen the relationship between you.

And, of course, be interested in the affairs and condition of the departed child. Fortunately, with this now, in connection with the development of cellular communications, there are no problems. Sharing the news with another family member brings the family back to the recent past, when the child has not yet left, and brings the family together. nine0003 All of these activities will help you get through your child's departure for school more easily without worsening family relationships.

andere, specially for dostignu.ru
photo: sxc.hu; by lusi

Studying in another city: how to let go of a child and not go crazy?

After leaving school, the child entered the university and is going to leave home for the first time. He sees something exciting in this, while for you from now on it is an unsettling time. Don't be discouraged, you are not alone: many parents find it hard to come to terms with the fact that their children want to move out of the house. At first, parents often suffer from "empty nest syndrome". nine0004

Common questions you may have might be: Will the child settle well? Will he find new friends? How will he balance school and life? Who will he go to if he needs help? How will he survive if you are not around? How will you survive this time?

In this article, we'll give you some tips to help you prepare for the transition, support your child for a comfortable life away from home, and get through new circumstances calmly.

Empty nest syndrome
It's scary to let a child go: what are parents usually afraid of and why?
Separation and control
How to overcome parental fears and accept the situation?
How can parents prepare for children leaving the family home and empty nest syndrome?
How to prepare a child for independent living?
Checklist for moving: where to start, what to do and what not to forget?
- Fees and housing selection
- Basic expenses
- Work
Adaptation of the child after the move. Relations with parents at a distance
What exactly can not be done?
Life after moving a child
- As a conclusion. Why you should not be afraid of moving the child?

Empty nest syndrome

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Parting with the world. This is how the state of depression and loneliness is defined, when a child, like a grown chick, flies away from home. "Empty Nest Syndrome" manifests itself in parents in an effort to maintain contact with the child in accordance with previously valid rules. If the child has been the center of attention of parents, the object of concern, friend, confidant and support in difficult times, this is a typical condition. Especially for a mother who has devoted her life to fulfilling the needs of her child, and now understands that it is too difficult for her to refuse such a connection. nine0004

“When my daughter went to study in another city, I didn't expect it to be so difficult. I explain to myself that this is how it should be, that I am not the only one who sends the child away, but these arguments do not convince me, one of the mothers writes on an Internet forum. – She is independent and reasonable, I know that she will cope with problems. But I'm still scared."

It's scary to let a child go: what are parents usually afraid of and why?

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On the Stress Scale, moving a son or daughter out of home ranks 23rd after being denied credit, changing jobs and having family problems. This, of course, is far from the death of a loved one, a job change or retirement, but it is a problem. Let's understand the reasons. nine0004

The more time parents devote to a child, the more difficult it is to fill the void

Parents do not want to let their children go, because separation means something final for them. In this case, internal resistance arises, behind which is often the fear that the child will not survive in this huge hostile world. At the same time, children are also instilled with fear that something will happen to them, even when they are completely healthy.

A family with one child is a particularly difficult situation

In the past, family life was different. Not all children stayed at home. Daughters got married and went to live with their husband's family. One son founded his own farm, the other worked for his father. There were more children in the family, and the youngest had to take care of their elderly parents...

Today families often have only one child. And parents of only children are much more worried about the independence of the child and his departure from home. Much more feelings are transmitted to him, more expectations from him. Therefore, the subconscious fear for the health and life of the child is so strong. nine0004

What about single mothers?

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It's a little easier when you're not alone. Other children support their parents so that they do not feel abandoned. For single or unmarried mothers, separation from a child rises to more extreme heights on the stress scale.

Single mothers have a big problem with "cutting the umbilical cord" because the child fills their whole world. And letting go of the world is difficult, so they are in a difficult situation. When the only child is a boy, it is even worse for the mother, because psychologically he replaces her partner. nine0004

What's left? Wait for old age?

Often the basis of disagreement with the departure of a child is an unconscious fear of growing old quickly and dying earlier. Keeping a child at home is an attempt to stop time. The problem is that these parents are usually emotionally immature themselves. They confuse roles and cling to the child as if it were their own mother or father. They cannot prepare their child for the journey into a new life. This creates a bad connection between generations.

Are the children afraid too? Yes, almost always. They are attracted by independence, but they are afraid of responsibility. Most children overcome these fears, but there are those who need help. And parents with empty nest syndrome seem to forget that their role is to give their children the energy, support, and full preparation to leave home safely and deal with future challenges. nine0004

Separation and control

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Despite our fears, we recognize the inevitability of children leaving the family home as a natural part of human development. But it happens that the mother perceives this as a betrayal of the child in relation to her. There are women who blame themselves for the decision of the child to leave for another city: “if a son or daughter wants to run away from home, then I am a bad mother.”

Irrational thinking leads to irrational behavior. When a woman feels abandoned by a child, she wants to prove to him that she is the only one in the world. After all, no one cooks so tasty and no one cares so much. Only she loves so disinterestedly, worries and forgives everything. In a word, there is no other more perfect being. It is she who is interested in the most banal events in the life of a child, knows better if he is happy and what he needs. And when the child tries to free himself from custody, the mother resorts to moral blackmail. He gets sick, goes to the hospital, defiantly behaves. nine0004

If children are constantly confronted with an possessive mother, this can lead them to depression. Then they suffer, worry, lose self-esteem, eat a lot, do not get enough sleep. These are symptoms of depression that require the help of a psychologist or psychiatrist. Only therapy helps to distance oneself from the situation, unravel the tangled threads and finally separate - that is, separate and leave home.

Stop. The child is not to blame for leaving. It's just time for that.

How to overcome parental fears and accept the situation?

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There is a Chinese tale about parents who come to a wise man for advice on how to cope with the departure of a child from home. The sage replies that it's as easy as archery: you just have to let go.

Our emotional response often depends on the meaning we attach to a situation. In other words, what you think determines how you feel. So it would be nice to put things in order in your thinking. nine0004

Well, for example, to check what you are most afraid of. Have you ever lived with the belief that your child will stay with you forever? Does he play a leading role in your life? Does he have obligations to you? Does your fear hide resentment: “I sacrifice a lot for you, and now you are leaving me”?

If you answered yes to most of the questions, it's time to think and reassess the situation. If more “no” answers are great, then you can be congratulated on a job well done. Yes, you managed to raise an independent person so that he could go out into the world and develop further without your care and guardianship, although with your sincere and sensitive support. nine0004

How can parents prepare for children leaving the family home and empty nest syndrome?

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It is necessary to accept in advance the fact that a high school student no longer needs to control every step. It is worth being vigilant, observing, supporting, but during contact one should not show excessive guardianship or obsession.

In high school, you must give the student more freedom. Let him be responsible for himself, his actions and his choices. Don't judge this choice, but help make a better decision. Stop offering ready-made solutions, try to direct the child in such a way that he feels that it was thanks to your support that he did everything right. nine0004

How to prepare a child for an independent life?

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Preparing a child to leave home and live independently is a task that can take many years. There are parents who try to develop as many professional and sports skills as possible in their children: foreign languages, playing the piano, skiing, tennis. All this is very useful, but it has nothing to do with the upbringing of independence. Such skills do not form a mature, responsible person. nine0004

Teach your child life skills to take with them. It's budgeting, cleaning, cooking, relationship building, self-confidence. Gather everything that will be useful to him in a "travel bundle": advice, recommendations, wisdom. From the simplest: how, for example, to start a washing machine, to the more complex - how to learn to live peacefully with neighbors in a hostel. Only with such a knot can you safely let go.

These are the skills your child can acquire if he is outside his comfort zone, but understands that he is supported by his family. He will learn a lot about how to overcome problems and this will prepare him for life in the real world. Be sure that he will take the life lessons you have taught him and put them into practice. nine0004

Checklist for moving: where to start, what to do and what not to forget?

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Fees and housing selection

Before your child moves in, take a trip to explore the area, check out a dorm room or choose an apartment:

Make it a fun family outing. Use public transport to get an idea of bus routes, train lines and how to get to the university. nine0040
Explore the area and the central part of the city.
Visit key places: cafes, parks, shops, libraries.
Stop by your local supermarket to help your son or daughter stock up on essentials.

This will help the future student to feel more confident and comfortable in the new environment. This will help you too. You can get a visual representation of where the child is and where they will spend time. It's hard to send a son or daughter to a new place that you don't know very well, so getting to know your child's new environment will put you at ease. nine0004

Basic expenses

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For children who decide to leave home, life changes dramatically. Yes, a student has the right to a hostel, but it is not always free. Some decide to live in a rented apartment because of the more comfortable conditions. There are expenses for food, dishes, clothes. Calculate the student's basic financial minimum.

Apartment

This is perhaps the most expensive part of the budget. Students find a way out by renting an apartment in half with someone. This is more profitable, but you should be prepared for the fact that the costs will still be higher than for a hostel. nine0004

Food

Food is also a significant part of the budget. If a student comes from a rural area, most likely, parents will be able to send him potatoes, eggs, poultry, vegetables. Then you don't have to spend a lot of money on food. But more often children move from small towns to big ones. Then you have to buy food yourself, or eat in the dining room. Sometimes the second option turns out to be more profitable, because in the budget canteen of the university you can eat a variety of inexpensive food. nine0004

Transport

It all depends on how often the child will visit his parents. Someone wants to be at home every week, and someone will be enough 2-3 times in half a year. Depending on the cost of tickets and the type of transport, the amount of expenses will fluctuate.

Study materials

Not all books are in the library. Some of them will have to be bought in stores or online.

Clothing

Clothing can be purchased immediately at the beginning of the school year, because monthly purchases will cost more. But if the student wants to buy something else, let him save from the allocated budget. nine0004

Work

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Of course, not every family is ready to allocate enough money for a student every month for living expenses. But, fortunately, many boys and girls are starting to look for part-time jobs.

Students of pedagogical universities provide tutoring services, future doctors start working as medical staff, novice programmers join the profession remotely. In a word, you do not need to calculate how much money you will spend for 5 years of studying a student in another city. During this time, everything can change. Perhaps your child, after a few years of study, will move to another country, go to distance learning or choose another profession. nine0004

All that parents have to provide for their child is the basic minimum, and each family has its own. You can not abruptly throw a teenager into adulthood without financial help. But it's also not worth spoiling him. Try to do everything so that after graduation the student can become a completely independent person who knows how to use financial resources.

Adaptation of the child after the move. Relationships with parents at a distance

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A loving parent best expresses his concern for the child, allowing him to be independent in everything. When children leave home, this does not mean that parents cease to be parents - they have the right to worry about the life, health and safety of their children.

However, you should not insist that the child act in accordance with your expectations. After the move, the children themselves decide what to do, with whom to be friends, in which direction to develop and how to spend their free time. From now on, every new day will present the young man with his life lesson, and he will draw conclusions from his trial and error. nine0004

What exactly can not be done?

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Don't blame your kids for forgetting about you. Adult children should feel that they can always turn to their parents for support and advice. But only when they want it. The worst thing that can be done is to make an adult child feel guilty or remorseful for spending too little time with their parents.

Do not call often or persistently. Talk to your child about how he would prefer to communicate with you. Some children are not very sociable and it is easier for them to write in the messenger. Others will want to call you on the phone at a certain time. Find something that suits both of you. nine0004

And remember: if the children have left family life, this does not mean that they do not remember you. According to a study conducted in France, 43% of children who have moved from their parents meet with them weekly. In the group of children who live near their hometown, the percentage reaches 85%.

Life after moving a child

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Instead of sadness and longing for a child, try to effectively fill the free living space. For you, this is an opportunity to relax and take care of yourself, realizing a duty well done. You are in your prime, you know what you want from life, you are filled with ideas for unlimited implementation. nine0004

Take care of things that have been put off, work actively to overcome the empty nest syndrome. This is the perfect time to travel and walk. Consider going back to work, retraining, playing sports. It's time to take care of your health, return to a forgotten hobby, renew your circle of friends.