How to stop being critical of your child
How I Learned to Stop Nagging My Kids and Start Motivating Them
By
Sumitha Bhandarkar
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I bet you've come across the term "positive reinforcement" before–but honestly, do you know what it really means? Some time back, I decided to jump onto the positive reinforcement bandwagon. Except, it wasn't really clear to me what it is I should be doing. The worst part? The more I read about it, the more confused I got.
This post orginally appeared on A Fine Parent.
This article is the result of trying to sort through some of the confusion so we can be masters of applying positive reinforcement to raise terrific, internally motivated kids.
Use Praise/Reward Instead of Criticism/Punishment.
The first thing I understood is that I should use praise/reward instead of criticism/punishment. The argument is that criticizing or punishing often kills a child's spirit and self esteem. If you focus instead on praise, you reinforce the child's self worth and since children inherently want to please their parents, this will make them want to behave instead of misbehave.
A couple of tips to handle situations that necessitate criticism/punishment:
Describe the Situation Instead of Fixing BlameFor example: Instead of screaming. "I told you to sit down while eating your dinner. Now, look what a mess you've made!", try saying "If we don't sit down when we eat, food falls everywhere and makes a mess." Stop at that and get your child in the habit of cleaning his/her mess. Wait to catch at least one instance when the child eats without making a mess, and show your appreciation. Rinse, repeat, until things turn around.
Say NothingChildren know when they've made a mistake.
Instead of lecturing them, just take yourself out of the situation and let them work it out. Once they realize by themselves that they made a mistake and take ownership of it, they're less likely to repeat it. This may sound simple, but from my own experience, this is one of the hardest tips to follow!
Instead of lecturing, just express your feelings: "We need to leave now, otherwise mama will be late for work and get into trouble. And mama becomes sad if she gets into trouble." Amazingly, this works a lot better than criticizing my daughter as we try to get out the door in the mornings.
Put Things in Perspective and Let Things SlideThere, I said it! For someone who is a bit of a control freak, even saying this out loud is pretty painful. Most of the time, I can't get myself to do this, but telling myself very often "She is just a five-year old," does seem to help. Slowly I got in the habit of avoiding criticism and waiting to catch my daughter in the act of doing something good, and then showering her with praise.
Except, as I looked more into it, I began to read:
1. Not all praise is created equal (i.e., there is a right way to praise and a not-so-effective way to praise).
2. While it may result in good short terms gains, excessive praise may have some negative long term consequences.
Yikes! Ohhhhhhhkay, moving on…
Praising the Right Way
When I started to focus on the right way to praise, here's what I found out.
Make the Praise Descriptive Instead of Generic.For example: Instead of a generic "good job!" say, "I like the way your shared the toy with your friend!" or "You did a good job cleaning up your toys today!" The equivalent of "good job" in adult terms is like saying "Let's meet downtown," whereas a descriptive praise is equivalent to saying, "Let's meet at the intersection of 2nd Street and Colorado Street."
The latter is a whole lot more helpful, right? The logic behind this is that kids inherently need our attention.
By telling them exactly what it is that they did right, we empower them with the knowledge of exactly what to repeat to get our attention again.
When you have no clue what the masterpiece is that your toddler just handed you, instead of faking "That's so beautiful!" say, "Wow, it looks like you put a lot of thought in it, what do we have here?" or, "Wow, you used so many colors to make this picture so beautiful!" The logic is, by focusing on the effort instead of outcome, we can avoid raising praise junkies whose sole intention is to finish the project to get praised by us (instead of taking pride in their own effort and what they have accomplished).
Focus on Encouragement Instead of JudgementFor example: Instead of "I like that you cleaned up your room!" which could send the signal that "mommy likes me only when I am being good, "say, "You cleaned up all the toys! The room looks so clean and beautiful! Thank you!" The idea here is to focus on "You did it!" and then highlight the consequences and express your happiness about it.
No, you don't have to break up all your responses in that way as long as the general message you send your children is that they did something right that resulted in good consequences. This helps the child develop a sense of internal evaluation, allowing them to take responsibility for their action and pride in their achievements.
Raising Internally Motivated Kids Instead of Externally Motivated Ones
So that leads us to the holy grail of positive reinforcement: cultivating internally motivated kids instead of externally motivated ones.
Frankly, I'm a long way off from getting to this point. I hope this month's exercise in being positive, and specifically my focus on positive reinforcement, will help me get a little closer. I just want to put a few options on the table based on what I have read. Please note that this is not all from experience (yet!) and this is by no means a comprehensive list. (If you have a few additional tips, I would love to hear them—just drop a comment below!)
Acknowledge, but Do Not Explicitly PraiseIt sounds so simple, yet, it's very hard to let your child know that you agree what she did was right without resorting to platitudes like "Good job!" or even descriptive praise like "I love that you cleaned your room.
" But, once a good parent-child bond is established, you can just stand by the door of the clean room and smile appreciatively or pat your child on the head to let them know that yes, you do agree with their internal assessment that what they did is right.
While you work up to just a nod of the head, there are other options to let your child know that you've noticed without having to shower them with excessive praise. One of the suggestions by Dr. Alfie Kohn in the article Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" is to just ask questions. In the example above, you could just describe what you see in the form of a question: "Did you do some magic in here? This place looks so clean and neat!" or, "Hey, it looks like put away all the toys back in their place! Did you figure out all by yourself what goes where?" and then let the kids describe with a beaming smile how they put away all the stuff and cleaned up the room.
As pointed out by Dionna in the article 7 Alternatives to Telling Your Child "Good Job!", many of the situations where we use "good job!" are situations that make our life easier. Why not come out and say it? In the example above, "Thank you for cleaning up your room. Now, that's one less thing I have to worry about when the guests arrive!" will convey a heck of a lot more than "good job!"
No we have the whole positive reinforcement spectrum—and here's a handy-dandy illustration of it:
For me, going from nagging/criticism to whatever it is I need to be doing to get her to want to sit down and enjoy a meal in peace has not been easy. As far as I am concerned, my goal is to stay out of pink/red and make progress towards the green/blue. Babysteps, remember?
Where on the positive reinforcement spectrum are you? (It's normal to be all over the place, even within the course of a single day, as we react differently to different situations.
Just think of one time period–ex. this morning from breakfast to lunch—and try to figure out what you did the most: punish, criticize, bribe, reward, praise, encourage, or work towards an increased level of internal motivation?) What is the one thing you need to stop doing when you interact with your kids to start moving towards the right of the spectrum?
How to Go From a Nagging Parent to a Master Motivator| A Fine Parent
Sumitha Bhandarkar is the creator of afineparent.com, a unique personal development blog exclusively for parents. If you're a parent who believes that good parents are made, not born; if you believe that modeling how to live right is far more effective (and fun!) than lecturing; if you're a do-er and not just a planner; click here to join Sumitha and a small group of like-minded parents.
Images via Peter Dalhgren (flickr), altanaka, and Oksana Kuzmina (Shutterstock).
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4 Simple Ways To Stop Criticizing Your Kids
“I know I am overly critical, but I can’t seem to stop myself!”
“My kids get hurt and upset when I tell them what to do. Am I being too harsh?”
“I had huge doses of criticism from my parents and I don’t want to do that to my kids. What can I do instead?”
“I always seem to be nagging my kids. I sound annoying even to myself!”
Criticism is painful to hear. Nagging can be even worse. Harsh words can damage a child’s self esteem, create power struggles and a tense environment at home. All things that parents want to avoid.
However, many parents feel the way “How will they learn if I don’t point out what they do wrong?”
Here are 3 ways to help you stop nagging and criticizing your kids and teach your kids how to act right:
1. Stop criticizing yourself: People who are overly critical with others are generally pretty rough on themselves.
Their self-talk consists of a lot of personal nagging and criticism.
“How stupid of you to miss that accounting mistake!”
“That was such a dumb career move!”
“I am the worst mother/father!”
The first step to stop criticizing your kids, is to stop criticizing yourself. Stop beating yourself up. Life is full of mistakes, challenges and ups and downs. It is okay not to perfect.
Try some inspirational affirmations and share them with your family:
“Mistakes happen”
“No one is perfect!”
“ Mistakes are okay, they are actually part of the learning curve.”
There are some people who are just born cheerful and sunny. There are others who are more serious and analytical. They think in very logical and systematic ways. They can seem overly critical and pessimistic and they might not understand why they have a tough time getting along with others.
However, we need people like that in this world.
People who are detail oriented and can hone in on inconsistencies and problems easily, and then think of solutions. They make great newscasters, researchers, judges and business analysts.
If you are one of these people, recognize the need for diplomacy in family situations. Not everything that is noticed needs to be said. For the times you can’t hold back, you can try to:
3. Point out what your child is doing right:Ironically, we do not need to point out all the things are child is doing wrong to discipline them. The fact is we can change a child’s behavior simply by telling him what he is doing right.
Point out what they are doing right and what still needs to be done.
Here are some examples:
Instead of: “This is a sloppy paper!”
Point out what is right and what still needs to be done:
“This word here and this letter here are on the line. Here is a good amount of space between the words. Can you try that with the rest of the line?”
Instead of:
“Stop running and yelling.
”
Point out what is right and what still needs to be done:
“You walked all the way from doctors office to the steps using a quiet voice — only a few more steps to go using a quiet voice and steady feet.”
Instead of:
“You won’t be able to go to pizza if you don’t hurry up and finish your homework.”
Point out what is right and what still needs to be done:
“You did a whole worksheet. One more to go before we can go for pizza.”
Why does this work? There is little negativity and harshness. Furthermore, it is comforting for a child to be reminded of her little accomplishments; it helps motivate her to continue.
4. Make a sandwich:
Another alternative to criticism and nagging is to use the sandwich technique:
1. Use descriptive praise.
2. Talk briefly about the negative behavior.
3. End with descriptive praise or an affirmation.
Examples:
A.
1. You know how to share; yesterday I saw you share your snack with Sara.”
2. “You need to stop fighting over the blocks.”
3. “I know you can find a way to share.”
B.
1. “You know how to speak nicely to your friends; I heard you say ‘thank you’ when Sara gave you a pencil.”
2. “I heard you call Eli a ‘dummy.’”
3. “You know how to make people feel better when their feelings are hurt.”
4.
Offer your help:When our kids are acting out, not getting into bed when they are supposed to, not cleaning their rooms when you have asked them to or not doing their homework, let it go, but make sure a little bit later on, or the next day to say to them:
“I saw you were having a hard time getting into bed. I was getting really frustrated and so were you. Is there anyway I can help make bedtime better for you?”
Yesterday, you were really upset that you had to clean your room? Is there anyway that we can think of to make it easier for you?
I see you are getting really frustrated with homework.
Is there anything I can do to help you?
It is not simple to learn these techniques when you are used to criticizing, however with practice it can get easier. Everyone in your family will be a lot happier.
The words of this author reflect his/her own opinions and do not necessarily represent the official position of the Orthodox Union.
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How to stop criticizing a child: 5 tips — karpachoff.com
Parents often harshly criticize a child, while justifying themselves by the fact that any remarks from the lips of a loved one sound kind. Some children react calmly to this, while others completely lose the desire to take the initiative. Where is the golden mean between adequate assessments and destructive judgments? We will tell you, , how to criticize children so as not to violate their self-esteem, to grow a healthy personality.
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Criticism of a child: where is the line? The most important thing is to teach the baby to recognize them, analyze and correct them.
Excessive criticism from parents can lead to negative consequences. A child can grow up as a pathological perfectionist, as well as infantile and lack of initiative.
The purpose of criticism is to change the behavior of children in a certain situation, to help them become the best version of themselves. nine0011
When you criticize a child, he must understand that the remarks concern his behavior, actions, and not his personality.
What should be done? Pay attention to progress, not mistakes. For example, your child did not hit any note before, but now he is performing the simplest work - he deserves praise, and then correct comments. And although the result is far from excellent, but for him it is a huge leap forward.
If there are problems in communication between an adult and a child, we advise you to watch the video: « Why can't our children hear us? ".
Negative Consequences of Parental Criticism
If you like to make frequent comments, you should consider that overly critical communication with children can have a strong influence on their development. For example, your criticism can turn into anxiety and depression in a child at an early age.
Some studies have proven this. So, Professor Jeffrey J. Wood of the University of California at Los Angeles in 2003 conducted a study that showed a close relationship between maternal overprotection and manifestations of childhood anxiety. nine0011
And researchers at Binghamton University in New York found that children whose parents were overly critical are less likely to respond to other people's emotions, both negative and positive. For example, they avoid eye contact, which can affect relationships with other people, leading to depression and anxiety.
In 2017, scientists at Northwestern Illinois University proved in their study that the psycho-emotional conditions in which a child grows up significantly affect the development of children.
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Thus, whether you like it or not, children cannot distinguish among the abundance of criticism the good intention that you put into your words. They take everything literally.
Moreover, children react differently to sharp criticism: some withdraw into themselves and do not want to take the initiative, some become a pathological perfectionist, wanting to please their parents, and some remain infantile and are afraid of judging others, even when they grow up.
It is not uncommon for authoritarian parents to complain that their grown-up child sits only at the computer, is not fond of anything, and cannot defend his opinion. Why be surprised if adults themselves showed him that words are not taken into account, hobbies are wrong, and mom and dad know everything better themselves. nine0011
So think about it, is it so important to point out shortcomings to a child?
How to stop overly criticizing a child
Parents who constantly criticize a child do not always have the goal of humiliating, offending or upsetting them.
But why do they "quibble"? There are two reasons:
- They want to suggest how to act correctly in this or that situation.
- They are afraid of a decrease in parental authority when the child does not obey. nine0068
Children's behavior is based on an unconditioned reflex to cognition, development and independence. Some manifestations of these qualities can offend, anger or upset you.
But you, as an adult, are able to think soberly, not to let the emotions caused by childish behavior take over you. Use a few rules:
- Don't overreact.
- Don't demand adult behavior from your child.
- Get rid of value judgments. nine0068
If you notice that you are "going too far" and want to stop criticizing your child, then the tips below will help you.
And if you need answers to questions regarding child aggression, we recommend reading the material: " Why does a child beat himself ".
How to criticize children
Criticism is not the most pleasant part of a relationship, but it also has positive aspects. If a child is criticized, he learns independence, if a child is constantly criticized, he learns condemnation. Thanks to constructive comments, children themselves analyze and correct their mistakes, as a result of which they grow. To always strike a balance between adequate remarks and moralizing, follow our advice. nine0011
Invite the child to evaluate the result himself
Ask if he is satisfied with the way he did his homework, cleaned the room? Can anything be improved or done differently? In this way, you will help your child develop self-assessment skills.
The same applies to behavior: ask why he behaves in this way? Help identify your feelings. Perhaps the child needs the help of an adult in school or household chores, but for some reason he cannot voice it.
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Criticize the wrongdoing, not the person
Failure is just a step, not a result. Therefore, avoid the words “always”, “never”, “usually”, generalizations, as well as phrases: “I told you that this will happen”, “it was necessary to do like this ...”.
If the child is too upset, show that you support him: “I can see how upset you are. I want to help you. Let's think together." Error analysis allows you to adequately assess all the factors that led to failure, correct the final result. nine0011
Get specific
Start with the positives. Then show me what is wrong. Highlight what turned out right, praise without exaggeration. Not satisfied with the result - praise the desire, but do not use the trivial "well done." Parents use the word so often that it has lost any meaning.
Criticize in time
The effect of criticism will be the stronger, the faster it comes from the moment of error or bad behavior.
Remembering the situations that happened last week or a month ago is no longer relevant, they have long been learned. Otherwise, your reminder of failures is an occasion for new grievances and conflicts. Any misconduct is subject to immediate discussion, after which it is not worth returning to this topic. nine0011
Offer an alternative
The golden rule is: when criticizing, offer an alternative. Your task, based on personal experience, is to suggest how you can correct errors or behavior. Remember that there is no situation with only one correct solution. For some people one way is fine, for others the other way. At the same time, give the child the opportunity to correct his own mistakes, support his choice.
Now you know why you shouldn't criticize children all the time, what such teachings are fraught with. Remember that the consequences of such behavior of parents can be remote, but unpleasant for the child. By criticizing without measure, you risk growing either an infantile or a perfectionist.
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Reasonable criticism, when it is appropriate and constructive, helps to develop, does not destroy close relationships between adults and children.
If you have doubts about the chosen methods of upbringing, then we advise you to visit a free online master class for conscious parents:
Images courtesy of shutterstock.com.
Raising a child without criticism
5 mistakes in communicating with a child
- Look at Ksyusha's neat notebook, not like yours.
- Where have you been? I'll be gray soon because of you! I called Kolya's mother, he has been at home for 2 hours already, he has already done his homework. Why do everyone have children like children, but I have some kind of misfortune!
- Look at you, are you lying in a puddle? All children are clean, and you will always find dirt! It's a shame to walk down the street with you! nine0005
Most of us find it unpleasant to hear parents scold and criticize their children.
Even if it's well deserved. But when we are pissed off by our own offspring, there is no time for delicacy.
On the other hand, well, one must somehow influence the behavior of the child, explain to him how to behave like a human being! Otherwise, he will never learn...
Do you know that in Soviet times there was even such a requirement for conscientious citizens – “to develop criticism and self-criticism”? It was believed that criticism helps a person to realize his mistakes, to become better. It seems that those days are long gone, but habits are passed down from generation to generation. nine0183 But is criticism really an effective way to correct a child's behavior?
Criticism is harmful
Unfortunately, when it comes to raising children, criticism has very unpleasant side effects.
1. Kills self-confidence in the child, he feels bad and helpless, he feels that he is out of order.
2. Criticism is very ineffective , i.
e. usually does not help improve the child's behavior. He only feels worse. nine0011
3. You also feel worse . You want to help the child correct mistakes, do better, but nothing comes of it. You feel like a failed, bad parent, maybe even guilty.
We often don't even notice that the child perceives our words as humiliation.
We love him and we want to correct the mistakes in the child's behavior, to help. And, of course, we are not going to offend or humiliate him.
However, what we often get is not what we want. nine0011
Typical mistakes in communication with a child
1. Comparisons with others
- Again a triple in mathematics! Are you not ashamed? And what did your friend Nikita get? He has a five, as usual! In general, I am surprised that he is friends with you, with a threesome.
This comparison hurts the child, because it seems to him that you would rather have another child than his. He feels rejected.
Every child would like to have good grades like Nikita's, neat notebooks like Ksyusha's and sports achievements like Petya's. He just hasn't been able to do it yet. And comparisons fix in his mind his own failure, and the feeling that you do not love him. nine0183 And they also cause hostility towards these Nikita, Petya and Ksyusha, so wonderful, because of which he is scolded.
A child can only be compared with himself.
In addition, when comparing, one should emphasize the child's successes, not failures. So we will instill in him the confidence and desire to try. It's not that hard, it's a matter of habit.
Let's look at examples:
- Look at Ksyusha's neat notebook, not like yours .
- Look, on this page you got it much neater! See how you can! nine0005
- Have you seen the order in Petya's room, and what kind of pigsty do you have?
- I think your room looked much prettier when you cleaned it last week.
By the way, I think a poster from your favorite movie would fit in your room.
- Look at Vasya, he doesn't have a single three! And you?
- You managed to study better last quarter. Maybe you can try this one too? And I would help you. nine0005
2. Remarks
- Stop making faces!
- Why are you running around like crazy!
Remarks are the perfect way to make your child deaf to your words, especially if they are frequent. This is a way to train him to ignore you, and later avoid you.
Think about the last time you reprimanded a child. How did he react to them? Did your comments help change his habit? How do comments affect your relationship? nine0011
It's best to just refrain from commenting.
But if you consider the child's behavior unacceptable or very disturbing to you personally - do not ask him to stop, switch it to something else.
Let's look at an example: Guests have come to you, and the child does not let you talk, intervenes, grimaces, is capricious.
If you demand that he stop doing what he is doing, it will most likely help for a few minutes at most. After all, since a child behaves in this way, it means that he seeks to satisfy some of his needs. In this case, it's up to you. Therefore, it is pointless to ask him NOT to do something. Ask to DO. Those. offer him a different form of behavior that is incompatible with the one that is now bothering you. Of course, you need to choose an activity that the child himself likes. nine0011
Tatyana, mother of 8-year-old Lisa, has a friend, Masha. Women want to talk, but Lisa does not stop talking, all the attention is on her. First, Tatyana asks her daughter to be quiet for a while. Then she starts to get annoyed, but remembers what she learned in our trainings for parents.
- Lisa, I wanted to tell Aunt Masha what a wonderful drawing you made at the last lesson. Can you show it?
Liza runs after the drawing. And when it is shown, and admiration is received, mother invites Lisa to draw a small memory card for Aunt Masha.
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Everyone is satisfied: the child received a portion of attention. Adults received a portion of peace while he is busy with useful work.
3. Reminder of mistakes that can no longer be corrected
-You have 5 notes in your diary in a week!
The child would be happy to return to the past and somehow correct it. But this is unreal. Thus, he feels bad and helpless to change anything.
It is much better to say: If you manage to get fewer comments this week than last week, you will receive a gift (we will go to an amusement park). nine0011
It is important to take into account that even if there are only 1 fewer comments, i.e. not 5, but 4 or not 25, but 24, then the child should be sincerely praised for success and fulfill the promise. In this way, you will show that you appreciate his efforts and notice even the most modest successes, which means that it makes sense to try.
4.
Generalizations: - You will never get help!
Saying such a phrase, we strengthen the child's position as bad. And we explain what we expect from him - the lack of help. nine0183 It's much more useful to say:
You know, I didn't have time to go to the store. You will help me a lot if you go for bread and sour cream, and at this time I will prepare dinner for us.
Or: we have a mess at home, and I am very tired at work and I cannot cope with it alone. I need your help. What do you choose: wash the floor or the dishes?
5. Criticism in front of witnesses.
Almost any form of criticism can be perceived by a child as humiliation. Especially if we say it in front of other people. It doesn't matter if they are family or strangers. nine0011
Don't believe me? You just try to put yourself in his place.
Imagine that your friend says to you those words that you can easily address to a child, and, as it seems to you, from the best of intentions.
Imagine that a friend pulls you up, makes remarks to you, and even in front of witnesses. I think you would be outraged. Why on earth does he allow himself to do this?!
And with a child, everything gets away with it.
But every time a child experiences humiliation.
We never criticize a child in the presence of other people, neither relatives nor outsiders. nine0006
If a child hears that you are talking badly about him to other people, this not only undermines his trust in you and himself, it undermines his trust in everyone around him. After all, meeting friends of the family, he remembers that they know everything bad about him, which he can be ashamed of.
Therefore, we generally get rid of the habit of complaining to other people about our child.
Remember that everything we don't like about a child is either heredity that we passed on to him, or the influence of the environment, that is, first of all, our upbringing. nine0011
How to help a child to believe in himself?
We have already seen that the most unpleasant result of our mistakes in education is the destruction of a child's positive self-esteem.
Now that you know what you can do to improve your relationship with your child, you may be wondering if there is something you can do directly for your child to strengthen his positive self-esteem and teach him to communicate with other people correctly?
Yes, you can, and that's what we do on our trainings for children and teenagers KUB.
Here, in an atmosphere of respect and support, children become more confident in their abilities, learn to see their strengths and perceive the world around them positively. Children develop literate communication skills - without criticism, supporting each other.
And as a result, most parents note that it has become easier to negotiate with the child, the child behaves more responsibly, and the atmosphere in the family has become more friendly. nine0006
Reserve your spot in the group
It's free and no obligation
Criticism is a bad habit
Often the tendency to criticize a child is the result of our parents doing it.
After all, no matter how much we want to do otherwise, it was from them that we first learned how to raise children. Unfortunately, even if you once swore that you would never do the way your parents did, you will find yourself doing the same. It sits so deep in us that good intentions alone cannot be corrected. It's a habit. So we need to develop another one. nine0011
If you find that you are abusing criticism and want to change it, first start by simply recording all the times you criticized someone and when you managed to restrain yourself. Of course, this may not only apply to children.
Celebrate your every success in it. Perhaps at first these successes will not be so much. This is fine. After all, you have developed your old habits for many years, and it will take some time to relearn.
Write down every day all the times when you managed to restrain yourself and do better than before. Maybe not perfect yet, but better. Be sure to praise yourself for this success, even if it is small.
