How to punish my child for lying

5 Tips to Handle When Your Child Lies

Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors

Kids lie for many reasons. They may want to avoid a consequence or say what comes to mind even if it’s not true. Children may start lying suddenly. This can be shocking for parents who have dealt with an honest child until now. Knowing why your child is lying and how to talk to them can help stop this behavior.

Understanding why children start lying can help you treat the underlying reason. Children typically lie for four reasons.

They may not know better.
They may know it’s wrong to lie but have a stronger desire to accomplish something else.
They may say what pops in their head without filtering.
They may try to mislead an adult because they have negative feelings towards them.

Determine how serious your child's lies are. Depending on your child’s age, there may be different intentions behind their lying. A young child may tell tall tales which isn’t always a problem. An older child may lie about their behavior. This secret keeping could lead to serious behavioral problems as an adult.

Correct lying behavior. You should not punish or corner your child when they’re caught in a lie. This can lead to more serious lies or resentment. Instead, remain calm and explain to them why lying is wrong. You can also provide them with facts. Then encourage them to tell you the story again but truthfully.

How to handle your child lying. Don’t scold or yell at them when you catch them in a lie. You’ll want to keep communication honest and comfortable between you and your child. The following steps will help you handle your child’s lies:

View lies as skill-building. As your child gets older, they’ll test what they can get away with. This is how they learn consequences.
Respond to lies with facts. Especially when dealing with children under the age of three, let them know that there are facts. Lay out evidence that contradicts their lies.
Help them find a way to deal with certain behaviors. If you catch your child in a lie, let them know that they can tell you the truth.
If they see you lie, they’ll lie. Your child will watch how you respond to things, and if you’re lying, they will think they can too.
Let older children know there are times when small lies can be okay. Then teach them the moral consequences of bigger lies. Let them see how you’ve been caught in lies and let it be a learning experience for them.

You should be concerned when your child lies frequently. If your child’s lying is paired with other concerning behavior, they may have psychological problems. A child that lies and doesn’t have friends can also be a concern. They may feel isolated and lonely. If your child lies and shows no signs of remorse or guilt, they might have underlying issues as well.

By age three, your child may already understand what lying is. Children often start lying to cover up actions they know are wrong. But lying can also signify cognitive and social understanding. Advantages of your child lying include:

Cognitive ability. It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies, and strategize when they lie. Lying is a problematic behavior, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions.
Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about.
That doesn’t mean they have a lack of morals. Just because lying is bad, doesn’t mean your child is. Some studies have shown that there is little to no relationship between children’s lying behavior and moral understanding.

Disadvantages include:

Lying because they’re stressed. Your child may lie because they feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way. They may be feeling pressure from their parents. This could lead to low self-esteem and frequent lying to avoid the truth.
Unable to explain their actions. Your child may not understand that what they are doing is wrong. If they don’t know their behavior is bad, they continue to lie about their actions. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re lying.
Used to get attention. If your child feels neglected, they may come up with lies to get your attention. This may be a coping mechanism for not getting the praise that they want. This is a behavioral problem that can be addressed.

How to Handle Your Child’s Lying at Every Age – Cleveland Clinic

All kids fib from time to time. But when your child tells a whopper, should you punish him, making sure he knows — in no uncertain terms — that lying isn’t ever acceptable?

No, says psychologist Kristen Eastman, PsyD. As a parent, you’re playing the long game. You want to keep the lines of communication open.

View lies as skill-building moments

Parents should expect kids to lie at some point and try to resist the urge to simply get upset (and punish).

“It’s an opportunity to figure out why they felt lying was their only option,” Dr. Eastman explains. “At different times, you can identify what underlying skill they are lacking — whether that’s problem-solving or social skills to connect with peers.”

If you freak out, it can make your child less likely to trust you and open up about sticky situations in the future. This holds true no matter your child’s age.

Here, Dr. Eastman breaks down why kids lie and how to handle it, from toddlers to teenagers.

How to handle lying in toddlers (ages 2-3)

Lying is common in young children, who are just beginning to understand the difference between fantasy and reality.

Take a common scenario: Your daughter sneaks a chocolate chip cookie. The telltale chocolate smear is on her face. When you question her, she denies it. Why?

Children this age are too young to understand lying as a moral choice. They don’t always think before acting, so they don’t anticipate consequences. So, the lie is how they’re responding to the fact that you look mad or sound upset. They want to make everything OK again. They’re not trying to deceive.

With toddlers, respond to lies with facts. Don’t punish. In this instance, point out her dirty face and the open package on the table. When you lay out the evidence in simple but concrete terms, you can start to help your child understand right from wrong.

How to handle lying during the preschool years (ages 4-5)

Talk with a slightly older child about the importance of telling the truth.

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For extra reinforcement, read an age-appropriate book about lying to your child. And make sure to set a good example by telling the truth yourself.

If you catch your preschooler in a lie, don’t make a big deal out of it — they are still exploring and testing at that age. Make use of their increased language skills to teach them about choices.

“Say that lying’s not an OK choice, but here’s how you could have handled that instead,” Dr. Eastman advises. “You still need to be very concrete at this age.”

How to handle lying during the elementary school years

By the time your child enters kindergarten, she’s a bit more savvy. She understands that lying is wrong, but she also knows that lying can help her avoid consequences and chores. She’d rather have fun than do her science project or clean her room. She’ll lie to mislead or manipulate and to avoid an uncomfortable situation. At this age, skill building — not punishment — should be the goal.

“Kids usually want to do the right thing,” Dr. Eastman says. “But when they lack skills to handle a situation, they just choose the path of least resistance.

“If your child lies about not having homework, find out why. Maybe they don’t understand or can’t keep track of their assignments. ”

Pinpoint what’s behind the lie, whether it’s a lack of problem-solving skills or a feeling of not fitting in. Focus on teaching your child how to solve problems, get through uncomfortable situations and think ahead to consequences for their behavior.

“Look at the gaps in your child’s skills as an opportunity to reduce the need to lie,” Dr. Eastman says. Share experiences from your past instead of punishing and shaming.

But don’t let them get away with it, she notes. Tell them it’s not OK, or they’ll see lying as an easier way to avoid consequences or hurt feelings.

Modeling is even more important at this age. “If you lie in everyday situations — “I wish I could talk, but I have to get going. I have somewhere to be” — older school kids will start to notice that and think it’s OK.”

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How to handle lying during the middle school years and beyond

During the middle school years, your child is even more likely to lie to fit in with peers, to get out of trouble or to regain control after you’ve told them no. Help him understand the impact of his choices.

“Explain to older kids and teens why lying can lead to dangerous consequences. Often, they’re not thinking ahead,” says Dr. Eastman. For instance, if your son lies about where he is, help him understand that you couldn’t get in touch with him if something went wrong. Helping him see why limits are put in place will eventually help him make better choices.

“Parents need to talk with their child, explaining their concerns (whether moral or safety issues) and perhaps finding a compromise,” Dr. Eastman says. “This isn’t giving in. This is helping ensure you’re not seen as overly strict, which could just result in more lying.”

Older kids start to understand when it’s OK to tell a ‘white lie’ to spare someone’s feelings. Dr. Eastman says it’s best to reinforce the importance of telling the truth, though there are some times when it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself.

You can also help them understand that lying can affect their reputation. “Discuss questions like ‘How do you want others to view you? How do you want to view yourself? Do you feel proud of yourself when you lie, or rather when you’re honest and kind?’” she suggests.

Bonus tips: Share your own experiences and reward honesty

Everyone makes mistakes or mishandles a situation once or twice.

But talk to your child about how if this becomes a repeated thing, there will be consequences. And lay those out up front, so there’s no debate about it later.

Share some of your own experiences and talk about the mistakes that you have made, she adds.

And don’t forget to offer positive rewards when your child tells the truth, especially in a tough situation.

If you follow Dr. Eastman’s advice but worry that your child’s lying is becoming too automatic, ask your child’s pediatrician for help.

From punishment to lies

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Sooner or later, every parent is faced with a child's lies: the child may not tell the whole truth or try to hide a certain situation, or may make up a plausible story. The reasons for children's lies often lie in the methods of education.

Why do children lie

Many psychologists believe that the desire to lie (embellish) is a characteristic feature of certain stages of child development. A small child perceives the world with an open mind, truly believing everyone around him. He believes in fairy tales and Santa Claus, while adults do not consider support for this belief a deception.

The child's fantasies can also intersect with reality, and there is no clear boundary between them.

In fairy tales, the main characters are smart and cunning, for a good deed they are able to deceive evil. And no one - neither adults nor children - associate this trick with a lie.

Over time, children's logic develops the motivation to tell lies in order to achieve their goals. And children can begin to consciously lie and deceive.

Children's lies have three reasons:

The desire to embellish. Just buying bread is boring, it’s more interesting to come up with a story about a terrible dog, from which he fled, “saving” bread.
The desire to get what you want: because of a sick stomach, you can not go to kindergarten or school, but they will definitely let you visit a friend if you say that he is sick.
Desire to avoid punishment.

If the first two reasons may become irrelevant over time, and the lies will disappear by themselves, then the “white lie” will only develop, acquiring sophisticated features.

Lying to avoid punishment is natural. A person has an instinct for self-preservation, pushing for cunning in order to avoid unpleasant, offensive, painful. This is how children perceive punishment. Do you want to teach your child to lie subtly? Punish him as often as possible for any reason.

Lies and punishment

Children begin to lie to their parents in order to avoid punishment. But a white lie differs depending on the circumstances.

Desire to appear better in the eyes of parents. Children cannot always meet the excessive demands of their parents. Any inconsistencies are accompanied by verbal aggression with reproaches and claims. Therefore, it is easier to talk about the bias of teachers, excessive demands, thereby justifying their failure.
Self-justification. The child acted badly and understands this. But he himself cannot recognize what is bad. That is why he begins to look for an excuse for his actions, blaming others for inappropriate actions: "he was the first to start", "he said this ...". The truth is hard to find, because the offender says the same thing.
Failure to meet parental expectations. For a deuce at school will be punished. But you can come up with a story that you learned everything, but your tooth ached and you couldn’t concentrate. The essence of lying is not so much in avoiding punishment, but in the fear of not justifying the trust of parents.
Fear of punishment. Most often, children lie in families where physical punishment is used. The fear of the child is so great that he is ready for any tricks to avoid it.

A vicious circle is formed. Lying is an evil that must be punished, and punishment encourages a child to lie. Having found out that the child has deceived, the parents toughen the punishment, which leads to more polished and sophisticated lies.

The "punishment-lie" cycle will be endless until it leads to a complete loss of control over children or to the ability of children to "professionally" lie. In any case, the contact between the child and parents is lost, because the main thing has disappeared - trust.

What to do?

It should be said that punishments that cripple the child's psyche will lead to the cultivation of lies or deformation of the child's personality. To prevent lies and punishment from becoming a circle, start by correcting punishments, as they are what entail lying. Release once the punishment for lying.

Several Rules for Productive Punishment

Punishment should be proportional to the severity of the offense and the age of the child.
Delayed punishment creates anxiety, fear and neuroses.
In a state of excitement, punishment should be postponed
One parent must punish, while the other must remain neutral.
Talk to your child more often, talking about your emotions, feelings and experiences. The child must understand how much he offends his parents with his misconduct.
Do not lie in front of children. Try to avoid such situations, as the child is not able to grasp the complexity of human relationships that allow lies, he will simply take lies for permissible behavior.
Know how to see the true causes of children's lies. It is possible that they are in an effort not to upset you or meet your requirements.
Do not punish a child for lying. Let him know that everything secret becomes clear.
Evaluate the act, not the child.
If it is possible not to punish a child, do it. Especially if the child has repented and is aware of his guilt. Dare to forgive.

The need for lies will disappear by itself if the child is sure that he is trusted in the family, will always be protected, and will never be humiliated. Let the truth be the foundation of your relationship.

Svetlana Sadova

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Child's age: 11

How to punish a child for lying?

How to punish for lying?

Ekaterina

Hello Ekaterina!

First, let's remember that punishment is not the only way to raise a child.