How to not act like a child
Think like a Child, Act like an Adult
MetalflossChidi Chukwudi-Madu, PSM1, PMP® ACIB
Chidi Chukwudi-Madu, PSM1, PMP® ACIB
Business and Financial Analyst | Scrum Master | Product Owner | Agile Enthusiast | Operations Manager | Project Manager | Innovative Planner | Team…
Published Jun 11, 2021
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Do you remember your childhood? The beauty of being innocent and not scared to explore new things. The curiosity and eagerness to experience life? The joy of being friends with every other child?
A child sees the world in ways that we lose as adults. When you are young, you use your mind in creative, imaginative ways that can help you throughout your entire life, not just childhood. There is a lot of hidden potential in thinking like a child.
In some ways, our society seems dedicated to eliminating childhood. Funny how we often tell kids to stop acting like a child and grow up. These days, even the word “childish” has a negative tone to it. As we grow older, we put down our toys and stop playing so we can take on bigger responsibilities, unfortunately, as we grow, we end up letting go of a litter more than we should.
The Beauty of Thinking like a Kid.
- Kids do not think of limits - Kids believe that everything is truly possible.
- Kids are imaginatively creative - A child’s imagination is unbound by any limitation or restraint. Kids are encouraged to be imaginative and they take that task extremely seriously.
- Kids believe in the actualization of their dreams - A child honestly believes he/she can be a pilot, doctor, astronaut or anything he/she can thing of. Such world is full of endless possibilities.
Somewhere along the line as we grew older, we stopped believing in ourselves and our dreams.
We began to think of what other people thought of us, what would be said about us, how we would be perceived. We began to forget the important things - the fact that what matters is what we believe and what we think of ourselves.
Somehow, we stopped thinking that things were possible and began to assume that things can not be done. If only we understood that believing in yourself is important. If you want to reach your zenith, you need to believe that it was possible and that you can achieve it.
Think like a Child - Play, Experiment, Live in the Moment, Be Curious, Ask questions, believe that everything is possible. Act like an Adult - Plan, Strategize, and try to Anticipate Consequences.
The good news is that childlike imagination and creativity still rests inside you – no matter how old you happen to be. Simply thinking back to when you were a kid will bring you into that mindset again. And when you tap into your inner child and embrace a childlike wonder, you can improve your life.
Do not be afraid to always tap into your inner child, if you fee estranged from him/her – reconnect, experience that beauty of being a child.. Always – Think like a Child, Act like an Adult and see what wonders of the world you will bask in.
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Think like a Child, Act like an Adult
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Can You Spot 10 Signs of a Childish Adult?
Source: Susan Heitler
In my clinical practice, I primarily treat folks struggling with depression, anxiety, excessive anger, and marriage difficulties.
Very often, an underlying issue is that for one reason or another, the client never quite grew up. So many people reach chronological adulthood without having mastered the core elements of adult emotional functioning.
How can you assess if an adult functions emotionally more like a child? As a therapist who works extensively with couples, I have learned that almost any client can look reasonably "adult" when I meet with him or her individually.
By contrast, seeing the same client in a couples therapy session where spouses are interacting gives me vastly more data. Mistaken, immature, and pathological behaviors all become much more visible. I also see the extent to which each partner's actions are rude, hurtful, or even dangerously childish—or calm, respectful, and maturely adult.
What Is Emotional Age?
A psychologist from Africa with whom I once spoke at an international psychology conference explained to me that in his country, it was common to assess people in terms of both physical age and emotional age.
Physical age can be counted by number of birthdays. Physical age, especially with children, also tends to correlate with height, strength, and cognitive functioning. Psychological or emotional age, by contrast, becomes evident in emotional reactions and habits. For instance, adults can stay calm whereas children tend to be quicker to anger. Adults exercise careful judgment before talking whereas children may impulsively blurt out tactless, hurtful words.
If toddlers want a car or doll that another child is playing with, they are likely to reach out and take the item. Most preschoolers get mad or cry multiple times every day, even if they are basically well-nurtured and happy kids. The rules of adult play, like taking turns or not grabbing, have not yet begun to shape their behavior. Youngsters do not act in a consistently civil manner because they have not yet internalized the rules of "civilized" adults.
Behaviors that are normal for children however, look childish and rude when adults do them.
Can You Recognize Childish Adult Behavior?
One way to think about how young children differ from emotionally mature adults is to picture kids you know—maybe even your own children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and neighbors. How do these children differ from adults that you know and respect?
Before reading my list of characteristics that I look for, you might want to jot down a list of the traits that you noticed in your visualization. Please share with other readers in the comments below this article if you spotted some traits that I missed.
10 Signs of Emotional Childishness
How many of the following signs of emotional immaturity does your list include?
- Emotional escalations: Young children often cry, get mad, or outwardly appear petulant and pouting. Grownups seldom do.
- Blaming: When things go wrong, young children look to blame someone. Grownups look to fix the problem.
- Lies: When there's a situation that's uncomfortable, young children might lie to stay out of trouble.
Grownups deal with reality, reliably speaking the truth. - Name-calling: Children call each other names. Adults seek to understand issues. Adults do not make ad hominen attacks, that is, attacks on people's personal traits. Instead, they attack the problem. They do not disrespect others with mean labels.
There is one exception. Sometimes adults, just like firefighters who battle forest fires, have to fight fire with fire. They may need to use "fire" to manage an angry child or an out-of-bounds adult, in order to get them to cease their bad behavior.
- Impulsivity—or as therapists say, "poor impulse control": Children strike out impulsively when they feel hurt or mad. They speak recklessly or take impulsive action without pausing to think about the potential consequences. Similarly, instead of listening to others' viewpoints, they impulsively interrupt them. Adults pause, resisting the impulse to shoot out hurtful words or actions.
They calm themselves. They then think through the problem, seeking more information and analyzing options. Again, some instances of acting on impulse can be hallmarks of mature behavior. Soldiers and police, for instance, are trained to discriminate rapidly between harmless and dangerous situations so that they can respond quickly enough to protect potential victims of criminal actions.
- Need to be the center of attention: Ever tried to have adult dinner conversations with a two-year-old at the table? Did attempts to launch a discussion with others at the table result in the child getting fussy?
- Bullying: A child who is physically larger than other children his age can walk up to another child who is playing with a toy he would like and simply take it. The other child may say nothing lest the bully turns on them with hostility. In many cases, it's safer just to let a bully have what he wants. Adults, on the other hand, respect boundaries: Yours is yours and mine is mine.
- Budding narcissism: In an earlier post, I coined the term tall man syndrome for one way that narcissism can develop. If children—or adults—can get whatever they want because they are bigger, stronger, or richer, they become at risk of learning that the rules don't apply to them. Whatever they want, they take. This narcissistic tendency may initially look like strength. But in reality, it reflects a serious weakness: being unable to see beyond the self.
Psychologically strong people listen to others, hoping to understand others' feelings, concerns and preferences. Narcissists hear only themselves and are emotionally brittle as a result. They operate like children who want to stay out and play—even though dinner is on the table—and who pitch a fit rather than heed their parent's explanation that the family is eating now. Their mindset, in short, is "It's all about me." In the eyes of a narcissist, no one else counts; if they don't get their way, they may result to pouting or bullying in order to do so.
- Immature defenses: Freud coined the term defense mechanisms for ways in which individuals protect themselves and/or get what they want. Adults use defense mechanisms like listening to others' concerns as well as to their own. They then engage in collaborative problem-solving. These responses to difficulties signal psychological maturity. Children tend to regard the best defense as a strong offense. While that defensive strategy may work in football, attacking anyone who expresses a viewpoint different from what they want is, in life, a primitive defense mechanism.
Another primitive defense is denial: "I didn't say that!" or "I never did that!" when in fact they did say or do the thing they claim not to have done. Sound childlike to you?
- No observing ego—that is, no ability to see, acknowledge, and learn from their mistakes: When emotionally mature adults "lose their cool" and express anger inappropriately, they soon after, with their "observing ego," realize that their outburst was inappropriate.
That is, they can see with hindsight that their behavior was out of line with their value system. They can see if their outburst has been, as therapists say, ego dystonic (against their value system). Children who have not yet internalized mature guidelines of respectful behavior toward others, or who have not developed ability to observe their behaviors to judge what's in line and what's out of line, see their anger as normal. They regard their emotional outbursts as ego syntonic, that is, perfectly fine, justifying them by blaming the other person. In other words, "I only did it because you made me."
If you or someone you know functions more like a child than like a grown-up, what are your options?
It's easy to love children who act like children. It's harder to love someone who acts like a child in the body of a grownup. Still, most childlike adults only act childishly when they feel under threat.
Therefore, if you love someone who has childish sides, one strategy is to focus primarily on the more adult and attractive aspects of the person.
If you are the childlike one, love your strengths—and pay attention to growing in your less mature habit areas.
Another strategy is to cease being surprised when the childish patterns emerge. Thinking, "I can't believe that s/he/I did that!" signifies that you have not yet accepted the reality of the child-like behaviors. Accepting that the behaviors do occur is a first and vital step toward change.
Third, if you are the receiver of childish behaviors, beware of trying to change the other person. Instead, figure out what you can do differently so those patterns will no longer be problematic for you. Your job is to keep growing yourself, not to change others.
Lastly, learn the skills of adult functioning. Much of what grown-up "children" do can be considered as a skills deficit. If you tend to be childish, learning adult skills can move you into grownup-ville. My book and workbook called The Power of Two should help as well.
And if you generally function as a grownup, the more clear you are about what constitutes grown-up behavior, the more you will be able to stay a grownup—even when you are interacting with someone who is acting like a child.
(c) Susan Heitler, Ph.D.
“You are like a child”: what to do if we act like a child in relationships
The number of years we have lived does not equal our psychological age: a person can stay in the state of a child until old age. Here is a life example of "childish behavior". The husband is cheating, the wife knows about it, but wants to get pregnant and give birth, so that he eventually chooses a family. This is the child's belief in miracles.
Where is our child?
Now let's look into the structure of the psyche of an adult. To do this, imagine a classic snowman, consisting of three parts, where the bottom ball is the largest, and the top one is the smallest. Normally, the upper part of this "snowman" is the inner child, the middle one is the inner parent, and the lower (main) part is the inner adult. nine0003
A person with such a structure of the psyche in difficult situations relies on the main part, that is, he reacts from the state of an adult.
He takes responsibility and thinks about how to solve the problem without unnecessary emotions. At work, he does not expect praise and does not take offense at the boss. Instead, he adequately assesses working conditions, thinks about development and refuses to work overtime for "thank you".
But the opposite happens: the adult part of the psyche is located in the smallest part of the "snowman", that is, it occupies the upper ball. Then we see an adult who is constantly offended by people, tolerates the violation of his own boundaries and violates others, because it’s not a child’s business to think about boundaries. Infantile behavior includes overeating and cakes at night, eternal promises to go on a diet, postponing going to the doctor, and so on. nine0003
How to make the inner adult your base? It is quite possible to grow up psychologically. To do this, you need to carefully monitor your emotional state. As a result, you can learn to move into an adult state in difficult and stressful situations.
The ball of "adulthood" in the construction of the psyche will gradually increase. And the larger it is, the easier it is to turn to it and move on to a state of calm, confidence and maintain control over the situation.
Inner parent: care or criticism? nine0005
In addition to the inner child and the inner adult, in the structure of our psyche there is an inner parent, on whose behavior our emotional state and psychological maturity also depend. At the same time, the inner parent can both take care of us and criticize us. When he takes a critical position, this is expressed in eternal dissatisfaction with himself and self-flagellation.
Note that a critical parent is also needed. For example, for a restaurant or literary critic, this part of the personality brings real benefits in their work. nine0003
How the inner parent is formed
At an early age, the child reads the behavior pattern of his parents, and the subconscious mind stores it as a pattern of action for life.
Such a template cannot be erased from the subconscious, but it is quite possible to create a new one.
If a child grew up with eternally critical parents, and then faced with a caring behavior model (for example, in the person of a teacher or boss at work), then a new internal “caring parent” can form in him, who protects, but does not criticize. A psychologist during therapy can also become a new "prototype" of a caring parent. nine0003
How the inner adult and parent work
The state of the inner parent manifests itself when you need to protect yourself in different life situations. Probably, this has happened to everyone: they will get rude to us, and we leave, barely holding back tears from resentment. At this moment, our inner child cries. And the critical parent adds: “Well, you’re always not like people.”
A person who has a developed part of a caring parent will defend his rights, not allowing the thought that something is wrong with him.
And then, when the protection function is completed, the internal adult will replace the internal parent. He will assess and analyze the situation, plan further actions and set goals. nine0003
For example, a conflict with a boss at work should also be lived out from the state of an adult who finds out the cause of the conflict and copes with the situation. And here are two options for the incorrect distribution of "leading roles" in the same situation:
- Get into the state of a parent: start arguing, swearing with the boss, defending yourself with all your might.
- To fall into the inner child, to fall into a stupor, to be unable to collect oneself and give arguments. So a two-year-old child cannot solve an issue with an angry mother in an adult way. nine0040
How to work on psychological maturity
The first step on the way to psychological maturity should be awareness, understanding what exactly prevented it from forming in your case.
The psychological maturation of the personality at some stage slowed down, did not happen naturally, and therefore it needs to be initiated now. It's not your fault, and it's not a shame.
Then you should learn how to consciously experience emotions every day. Practical tip: Start keeping a diary of your emotions and write down every day how you felt in a given situation. Analyze, answer your own questions: from which part of the psyche did I react? And from what was it necessary? nine0003
This is the road to psychological maturity.
As parting word
Knowledge of theory alone is not enough to change your life for the better. You can easily see children's reactions in other adults, but not in yourself. And in order to grow up psychologically, you need time and targeted, thoughtful work on yourself.
Once you start keeping a diary and notice your emotions, don't stop. Then you will notice changes. It is active actions that are important, because our children do not grow up only because they read a book about adulthood.
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“Like a little one”: what makes adults act childish
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“Recently, at the meeting, there was a debriefing on a project that was launched. The colleague reasonably, without unnecessary emotions, noted the successes and shortcomings that should be taken into account in the future. And then another colleague became covered with red spots and almost with tears in her eyes began to prove that everything was fine, she was not to blame. Once this same woman at a meeting with the customer behaved in a similar way. And the manager forbade taking her to external meetings so as not to dishonor the department,” recalls 34-year-old Irina. nine0003
Sometimes the child inside us shows itself quite appropriately, the reactions are harmless, but sometimes they harm not only ourselves, as in the case described above.
“Inadequate expression of emotions in a normal situation indicates that a person is likely to find himself in a painful context.
Suddenly the emotion is more than the situation. For example, you stepped on your foot, and you scream as if you broke it. Most likely, this reaction comes from a wounded childhood state, it is such a “hurt” memory from the past,” explains transactional analyst Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana. nine0003
Some kind of trigger is triggered - in the form of a word, intonation, phrase or phrase. Or the speaker may resemble someone. And then we start our time machine.
One and the same person is able to play the role of an adult, and in traumatic situations “fall out” into a child. Depending on circumstances, time and place, we switch from one role to another. This or that situation will activate in us a parent, an adult or a child. nine0003“It depends on how much a sore spot in our psyche is raised by this or that story, and on what inner state we have more energy now. For example, you are inspired by something before the meeting, you have more energy in your child, and some remark, like a trigger, can take you to the past pain.
One and the same person is able in certain circumstances to play the role of an adult, and in some traumatic situations he can "fall out" into a child - frightened, wounded, defenseless, abandoned and alone. nine0003
Although the minute before, the inner child was relaxed and contented. It is as if he is returning to the past in a time machine to that very activated painful situation. Every time something reminds him of her, he reproduces the feelings that he experienced then. All traumatic and unlived, "sealed with sealing wax" situations will form short circuits in the past. And if they work in the future, then we, like on a rubber band, will return to them again and again. And the scenario is repeated from time to time,” explains Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana. nine0003
This means that at one time there was no significant adult, a parent, who would protect him from the pressure of feelings and help him live through them, save the child's psyche from traumatization. It is not so much the trauma itself that causes pain in children, but the lack of contact and satisfaction of the necessary need.
In those situations when you still cannot do it yourself and you need an adult for this. Or, conversely, a close adult himself turned out to be a threat.
Three Important Parts
Ego State Theory: Child, Parent, Adult - developed by Eric Berne. He argued that these states exist in each of us, but some part is manifested more strongly, and some is shown less frequently. nine0003
“We need all three states to live,” says Ekaterina Marinheiro Fagna. “Everyone needs the care, boundaries, and security that the Parent provides. We need to socially adapt, and without compromise it is impossible, we need to adapt to the situation and people. And everyone needs creativity, otherwise we dry up. Therefore, we need an Adaptive Child in order to interact socially. And everyone needs a Free Child, because we need to meet the needs and creatively realize our destiny. And we need an Adult to analyze, make decisions, develop and achieve the best results. nine0003
Some children seek attention at any cost, even if they end up being slapped or yelled atIt is important to be aware of all these parts within yourself.
When we are in danger - for example, we are overworking, tired, then the inner caring Parent says: "Take a break, rest, take a breath."
Let's say that the inner Child wants to fulfill his dream and take a painting class. But one "child" will not achieve anything if the inner Parent does not connect and take care of taking the "child" to the courses, otherwise we are destined to always want and frustrated about this. But which ones exactly? This is where the Adult comes in and collects information, checks if all the courses are suitable, if they meet the needs of the Child. The Adaptive Child will need to build rapport with a teacher, a group of students. The Supervising Parent will make sure that this course is not a scam, is it safe there. nine0003
It is good if the whole set of three Egos is sufficiently developed. But sometimes the parents and adults in us are undernourished, not nurtured. Such people do not know how to take care of themselves, despite being tired and exhausted, they continue to work.
A caring inner Parent will not offer them to rest and drink tea, and the Adult will not offer another optimal solution to the problem.
“They learned to get attention from their parents in childhood through strong stimulation, sometimes very harsh communication,” the expert comments. - There is a law: it is better to have at least some stimulation, some kind of stroking and touching than their absence. Therefore, some children seek attention at any cost, even if they end up being slapped or yelled at. Often tough power games, blows are just melancholy and crying for the "under-stroke", "under-hugging", "dislike" of the child. Children's psyche is plastic, it will adapt anyway. But the child will not develop a caring parental part in himself, he will somehow replace it, based on children's ideas. Perhaps he will grow up and will not be able to take care of himself, he will set himself increased obligations that he cannot afford. He will constantly raise the bar, which he will never reach.
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When childishness is appropriate
When we say: “He acts like a child”, we season the phrase with different intonations and emotions. This is irony, and sarcasm, and indignation, and bewilderment, and joy. And even envy.
“Probably some of us have seen an adult uncle or aunt running down the street, throwing up a briefcase like a schoolboy. Or jumping like a child through puddles. And sometimes, we see an adult woman who suddenly falls into hysterics, like a capricious child, because her husband refuses to buy her an expensive thing. She could just get stuck in a situation similar to childhood, and she was "rubber-banded" into the past when her father did not buy the desired toy. And now she stamps her feet in front of her husband, actually referring to her father. nine0003
She probably doesn't even realize it and wonders what it got into her. And in the first case, a sincerely rejoicing child wakes up in an adult when, for example, he received an award or a long-awaited gift, or successfully completed a project.
And then the briefcase flies into the air.
If a child has never had an adequate adult, then the analytical part may remain at the level of a “little professor”. “This is the age of 6-7 years, when a child confidently tells how the world works, he has his own philosophy and he firmly believes in it. We are surprised how adults get into financial pyramids, make rash decisions. This is because the adult is stuck in a childish state, because that strategy kept and warmed then, so why not take it further in life? explains the psychologist. nine0003
At work, everyone would prefer to contact adequate adults. That is why whims in work matters are not approved or encouraged. “Bosses prefer business relationships: said - done, asked - answered. But there are laws of hierarchy. The boss is superior, and it is normal for subordinates to want fatherly care from him. From a modern leader contact, empathy, understanding is required, because this is required by the law of hierarchy. He must understand the subordinate from above more than that of the boss from below.
As they say, bosses should love their subordinates, but they are not obliged to them, ”the expert states. nine0003
Nevertheless, in a certain coordinate system, it is necessary to be children and to show a sincere childish part.
Forgive yourself any manifestation of the Ego-state, because all of them are natural and often unconscious“Recently, the World Cup was held in Russia,” recalls Ekaterina Marinheiro Fana. We all became children in an instant. They fraternized, rejoiced, hugged, knowing no boundaries, like children in kindergarten. They inflated colored balloons, dressed up in bright and funny costumes. And this experience was extremely important. nine0003
And childish curiosity - can you imagine a scientist who would not want, like a child, to climb everywhere and find out everything? Any research activity is impossible without the natural Child, without his self-expression. But it is also impossible to write a scientific article without the structure that the inner Parent sets.
No parent - no structure. An adult will make logical connections between different parts of scientific work, analyze the data.
To be aware of all three parts in oneself, to understand their value, to develop them - this ability will provide a great resource for personal growth and well-being. nine0003
“If I fix in myself an inappropriate manifestation of the three Ego states, then I myself decide whether to play these games or not. Do I want to lose points on this or do I want a different quality of life? And then it’s worth considering whether I should read some books about this or go to trainings, or to a coach, or to psychotherapy. Any introspection is very useful, the expert concludes. “Everything that we pour into the mill of fortune and self-development will give an effect. You will be aware if something is wrong, and this is the first step to another life. nine0003
But don't judge yourself and reproach yourself for being different. Forgive yourself any manifestation of the Ego state, because they are all natural and often unconscious.
We cannot forbid them. Let it be something inadequate, but sooner or later we, if desired, will learn to use any manifestation for good. You can always figure it out and apologize. Ultimately, all people have advantages and disadvantages, and they are able to bear responsibility, while accepting themselves in all manifestations. In order to change an unsuitable manifestation, it is first necessary to understand and accept it.” nine0003
About the expert
Ekaterina Marinheiro Fagna — psychologist, business consultant, integrative psychotherapist, transactional analyst, training leader, head of the International School of Transactional Analysis. Her website.
Text: Olga Kochetkova-Korelova Photo Source: Getty Images
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