How to increase a child self esteem and positive attitude

Your Child's Self-Esteem (for Parents)

Sometimes it's easy to notice when kids seem to feel good about themselves — and when they don't. We often describe this idea of feeling good about ourselves as "self-esteem."

Kids with self-esteem:

feel liked and accepted
feel confident
feel proud of what they can do
think good things about themselves
believe in themselves

Kids with low self-esteem:

are self-critical and hard on themselves
feel they're not as good as other kids
think of the times they fail rather than when they succeed
lack confidence
doubt they can do things well

Why Self-Esteem Matters

Kids who feel good about themselves have the confidence to try new things. They are more likely to try their best. They feel proud of what they can do. Self-esteem helps kids cope with mistakes. It helps kids try again, even if they fail at first. As a result, self-esteem helps kids do better at school, at home, and with friends.

Kids with low self-esteem feel unsure of themselves. If they think others won't accept them, they may not join in. They may let others treat them poorly. They may have a hard time standing up for themselves. They may give up easily, or not try at all. Kids with low self-esteem find it hard to cope when they make a mistake, lose, or fail. As a result, they may not do as well as they could.

How Self-Esteem Develops

Self-esteem can start as early as babyhood. It develops slowly over time. It can start just because a child feels safe, loved, and accepted. It can start when a baby gets positive attention and loving care.

As babies become toddlers and young children, they're able to do some things all by themselves. They feel good about themselves when they can use their new skills. Their self-esteem grows when parents pay attention, let a child try, give smiles, and show they're proud.

As kids grow, self-esteem can grow too. Any time kids try things, do things, and learn things can be a chance for self-esteem to grow. This can happen when kids:

make progress toward a goal
learn things at school
make friends and get along
learn skills — music, sports, art, cooking, tech skills
practice favorite activities
help, give, or be kind
get praise for good behaviors
try hard at something
do things they're good at and enjoy
are included by others
feel understood and accepted
get a prize or a good grade they know they've earned

When kids have self-esteem, they feel confident, capable, and accepted for who they are.

p

How Parents Can Build Self-Esteem

Every child is different. Self-esteem may come easier to some kids than others. And some kids face things that can lower their self-esteem. But even if a child's self-esteem is low, it can be raised.

Here are things parents can do to help kids feel good about themselves:

Help your child learn to do things. At every age, there are new things for kids to learn. Even during babyhood, learning to hold a cup or take first steps sparks a sense of mastery and delight. As your child grows, things like learning to dress, read, or ride a bike are chances for self-esteem to grow.

When teaching kids how to do things, show and help them at first. Then let them do what they can, even if they make mistakes. Be sure your child gets a chance to learn, try, and feel proud. Don't make new challenges too easy — or too hard.

Praise your child, but do it wisely. Of course, it's good to praise kids. Your praise is a way to show that you're proud. But some ways of praising kids can actually backfire.

Here's how to do it right:

Don't overpraise. Praise that doesn't feel earned doesn't ring true. For example, telling a child he played a great game when he knows he didn't feels hollow and fake. It's better to say, "I know that wasn't your best game, but we all have off days. I'm proud of you for not giving up." Add a vote of confidence: "Tomorrow, you'll be back on your game."
Praise effort. Avoid focusing praise only on results (such as getting an A) or fixed qualities (such as being smart or athletic).
Instead, offer most of your praise for effort, progress, and attitude. For example: "You're working hard on that project," "You're getting better and better at these spelling tests," or, "I'm proud of you for practicing piano — you've really stuck with it." With this kind of praise, kids put effort into things, work toward goals, and try. When kids do that, they're more likely to succeed.

Be a good role model. When you put effort into everyday tasks (like raking the leaves, making a meal, cleaning up the dishes, or washing the car), you're setting a good example. Your child learns to put effort into doing homework, cleaning up toys, or making the bed.

Modeling the right attitude counts too. When you do tasks cheerfully (or at least without grumbling or complaining), you teach your child to do the same. When you avoid rushing through chores and take pride in a job well done, you teach your child to do that too.

Ban harsh criticism. The messages kids hear about themselves from others easily translate into how they feel about themselves. Harsh words ("You're so lazy!") are harmful, not motivating. When kids hear negative messages about themselves, it harms their self-esteem. Correct kids with patience. Focus on what you want them to do next time. When needed, show them how.

Focus on strengths. Pay attention to what your child does well and enjoys. Make sure your child has chances to develop these strengths. Focus more on strengths than weaknesses if you want to help kids feel good about themselves. This improves behavior too.

Let kids help and give. Self-esteem grows when kids get to see that what they do matters to others. Kids can help out at home, do a service project at school, or do a favor for a sibling. Helping and kind acts build self-esteem and other good feelings.

Reviewed by: D'Arcy Lyness, PhD

Date reviewed: July 2018

11 tips on building self-esteem in children

Last week, my son Aaron made the school soccer team. Boy, was I proud. And I couldn’t stop saying so. “Good job, buddy! You’re the best!” I beamed, he beamed, and all seemed right with the world.

It’s not the first time my kids have heard me shout their praises. I’m the resident cheering section, their biggest fan, a back-patter extraordinaire. These days, you can find me handing out compliments as if they’re sticks of gum—when my kids practise guitar, score a goal, help with dishes. The mom logic goes like this: The kid does good (or good enough for me), so I make him feel great about himself. It’s called boosting self-esteem. Or so I thought. Here are some things you may not have considered about building self-esteem in children.

1. Step back

As it turns out, there are better ways to build self-esteem than heaping on praise for everything kids do—starting with helping them become competent in the world, says Jim Taylor, author of the book Your Kids Are Listening: Nine Messages They Need to Hear from You. To do so, though, you have to learn to step back and let your child take risks, make choices, solve problems and stick with what they start.

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images

2. Over-praising kids does more harm than good

Self-esteem comes from feeling loved and secure, and from developing competence, Taylor says, and although parents often shower their kids with the first two ingredients, competence—becoming good at things—takes time and effort. “As much as we may want to, we can’t praise our kids into competence,” he says.

In fact, by over-praising kids, we’re doing more harm than good. “We’re lowering the bar for them,” Taylor says. “If you keep telling your child she is already doing a fantastic job, you’re saying she no longer needs to push herself. But confidence comes from doing, from trying and failing and trying again—from practise.”

Samantha MacLeod, who has four boys, ages one to nine, believes constant complimenting can actually erode self-esteem. Either kids start thinking they’re perfect or they try to be perfect all the time—an impossible standard. And inaccurate praise confuses them, she says. “If my son can’t spell and I tell him he’s doing terrific, he learns not to trust his own instincts. He also learns that praise is just flat-out lying.”

Plus, Taylor adds, telling your child he’s the best, the smartest or the most talented is setting him up for some very bad news down the road. You’re creating an egomaniac who thinks his scribbles are Rothkos but, sooner or later, he’ll discover he’s not all that after all.

3. Let your child take healthy risks

Start by forcing yourself to stand back while your child takes healthy risks, says Victoria Sopik, CEO of Kids & Company, a corporate childcare service in Toronto, and a mother of eight. “To build confidence in the world, kids have to take chances, make choices and take responsibility for them,” Sopik says. She sees too many parents trying to rescue their kids from failure all the time.

Sopik remembers staring from across the room as her two-year-old son, Fraser, lifted a huge jug of orange pop at a fancy party. “He was about to pour it into a glass, and I just stood there, holding my breath,” Sopik recalls. Rather than trying to save her son before he had a chance to try, Sopik watched as Fraser spilled the pop all over the floor.

Then came the best part: Fraser found a waitress, asked for a paper towel and cleaned up his own mess. “He solved his own problem—just like we do as successful adults,” Sopik says.

Maria Korneeva/ Getty Images

4. Let kids make their own choices

When kids make their own age-appropriate choices, they feel more powerful, says Sopik, pointing out that kids as young as two can start considering the consequences of their decisions. Sopik always let her kids decide on their own whether to wear a coat, hat and mittens in winter. “Once they knew the difference between warm and cold, it was up to them. They should have control over their bodies and take responsibility for their choices,” she says.

Marilyn Nieves/ Getty Images

5. Let them help around the house

In building self-esteem, kids also need opportunities to demonstrate their competence and feel that their contribution is valuable, says Taylor. At home, that means asking them, even when they’re toddlers, to help with cooking, setting the table and making beds.

aquaArts studio/ Getty Images

6. Encourage them to pursue their interests (fully)

Another surefire way to boost confidence in kids is to encourage them to take on tasks they show interest in, then make sure they follow through to completion. It doesn’t matter what the task—it could be anything from swimming laps to beating levels in video games. The point is for them to stick with what they start, so they feel that hit of accomplishment at the end.

FG Trade/ Getty Images

7. What to do when children struggle or fail

What if your child’s self-esteem plummets when she gets cut from the gymnastics team or can’t memorize multiplication tables?

PIKSEL/ Getty Images

8. Don’t lose sleep over it

“So many parents have it backward," Taylor says. "They think struggles and failure will hurt their kids’ self-esteem, but it’s actually a golden opportunity to help build it.”

VioletaStoimenova/ Getty Images

9. Make clear that your love is unconditional

Let your child know you love her even when she fails or makes bad decisions. If all you talk about is performance, Sopik points out, she will think you only love her for her report card or the lead she got in the play.

Erdark/ Getty Images

10. Make sure your child’s goals are within reach, at a level appropriate for his ability

That may mean suggesting he join house league, where he can feel like a star rather than being the last one picked on the AA team. MacLeod learned this lesson when her son, Alex, was in grade two. Feeling like a failure at reading, Alex was ready to give up when MacLeod brought home some Magic Tree House books, which were slightly below Alex’s level. “He read one every two days and was so proud of himself that he went on to read the Goosebumps series, no problem,” she recalls. Afterward, mother and son talked about how Alex’s choice to practise paid off, and she praised his perseverance.

Jose Luis Pelaez Inc/ Getty Images

11. Offer appropriate praise

Although praise is often misused, when it’s specific and earned, it is a valuable self-esteem builder, Taylor says.

Lorna Crosse, a former music teacher, remembers asking her choir students to keep a “brag file” full of praise they earned. Any time they saw their names in a program or newspaper article or received a complimentary note, they were to put it inside. “When the kids had a bad day, they would take out those words of praise and read all the neat things they had done, and it would make them feel better about themselves.”

The brag file works because it shows kids specific ways they’re special and teaches them that practise reaps rewards, Taylor says. And it’s the practise—the effort—that should be the focus of praise, Sopik says. “Don’t just say ‘great play’. Tell him it was awesome how he passed the ball to his teammate.”

And keep in mind that a little indirect praise, such as stars on a chore chart, can work wonders. Mom Nancy Botelho gets even more inventive. She makes sure her kids “overhear” a little boasting. “I’ll tell my friends how the teacher said Margaret is so kind, or how I saw Bridget working so hard at tying her shoes. The kids just shine. Since they were spying, they know I mean it and I’m not just trying to make them feel good.”

RyanJLane/ Getty Images

Your self-esteem checklist

Here are some of the things that the Canadian Mental Health Association says you can do to help raise confident—not coddled—kids:

Feel special. It’s imporant for you to help your children discover their own unique talents and qualities, and to value their own strengths. But also teach them that feeling special doesn’t mean feeling better than others.

Set goals. Teach your kids to work towards a goal and to have pride in their accomplishments. Provide them with opportunities for success.

Try, try again. Encourage your children to try things their own way, face challenges and take risks.

This article was originally published in July 2013.

SDI Productions/ Getty Images

This article was originally published on May 01, 2020

FILED UNDER:

Mental healthParentingapp-neonate and teenservice seo

How to increase self-esteem in a preschool child

Development of self-esteem in a preschool child is an important stage in personality development. Parents mistakenly believe that a 5-6-year-old baby is not able to deeply reason about his personality. It is the preschool age that determines the direction, the level of human activity. However, few children are able to evaluate themselves correctly. The formation of opinion is influenced by parents, peers, surrounding adults. The quality of interpersonal relationships creates conditions for the development of an overestimated, adequate, low self-esteem in a preschooler.

Features of the formation of self-esteem

Experts confirm that preschool age is the period when a child begins to analyze his behavior. There are opportunities to realistically assess their actions, then correlate them with the opinions of others. Under the influence of adult preschool children, they form an idea of their abilities, study social values, make comparisons between their own actions and the actions of other people. These factors form one or another self-esteem of the child. To help their child, parents need to learn more about what affects the formation of self-esteem:

Adult opinion - the smaller the child, the higher the authority of the adult. The lack of life experience makes the baby completely trust the words of his parents, so criticism about his behavior is not taken seriously. Parents! Children take to heart all the words of loved ones. Just as endless praise has a negative effect on the child, so constant criticism deprives the child of the opportunity to really evaluate his own personality.
Certain life experience - in children of older preschool age, the perception of parents' assessments becomes more conscious. Individual experience is accumulated, which helps the preschooler to listen to the opinions of others and evaluate his actions in accordance with them. Some parents, imagining how the baby will grow up, make excessive demands. Often these ideas differ from the physical, mental abilities of the child. Parents! "Inflated standards" form a child's insecurity, childish shyness, which lowers his self-esteem. Remember that your child is a unique individual.
Communication between peers plays an important role in the formation of self-esteem. When performing joint activities, children show abilities that are often hidden when communicating with adults: the ability to invent games, distribute roles, get acquainted, establish contacts. Collective communication reduces children's egocentrism, helps to establish adequate self-esteem. The success of the child among peers will increase his self-esteem.
Level of mental development - using peers as "comparative material", the child learns to evaluate the actions of other children, watching them from the side, in the future he will be able to adequately relate to his own. Parents! Teach your child to critically evaluate their actions.

Signs of high self-esteem

Most children of senior preschool age are characterized by high self-esteem, which can be explained by the absence of negative criticism. This is especially evident in familiar situations, for example, on a walk, the child behaves like a leader, but at the same time commands the children harshly. It would seem that such behavior has positive features: a preschooler becomes an active participant in competitions, games, contests, strives to achieve success. Feel free to communicate with adults, fully confident in their own abilities. Promotes his ideas, trying to attract attention. Therefore, parents to some extent encourage such behavior of the child. They admire any action of the crumbs, his appearance, mental abilities, forgetting that there are negative features of overestimation:

conflict;
lack of ability to take criticism;
demanding;
striving to become a leader at all costs, dominance;
arrogance;
restlessness.

What happens when an assessment is formed incorrectly:

Children overestimate their abilities, considering themselves exceptional. Getting into the environment of peers, the baby ceases to feel like "the best", becomes "one of the many." Upon realizing this fact, an internal conflict begins. Increased self-esteem can quickly become reduced.
Inflated conceit is often the cause of communication problems with peers. Having the makings of a leader, the child is not able to win the respect of peers. Conflicts arise, the preschooler tries to "crush" the children who reject his idealized image. Often uses violence to punish others for their own failures. He tries to devalue the achievements of the other guys, envying other people's successes.
An increased assessment interferes with educational activities, as a preschooler overestimates mental abilities, often interrupts educators, argues, and denies the poor results of the work performed.
Communicating within the family, the behavior of such children becomes uncontrollable. They require increased attention, cry because of the refusals of adults. Having received a remark, they show aggression towards family members. Feeling permissive, children refuse to do household chores, put away toys until their demands are met.

Important! Parents need to understand that the appearance of increased self-esteem in a child is a signal to visit a psychologist. It is necessary to correct the behavior in time, otherwise the problem will worsen. Such deviations will negatively affect further maturation.

Low self-esteem of preschoolers

Low self-esteem of older preschool children is rare, being a deviation of personality formation. The features of such children are manifested in their behavior:

very often they are characterized by shyness, isolation, unstable emotional background, for example, they may suddenly burst into tears;
try to avoid responsible decisions, take a deliberately simple position;
in public speaking show lower results than doing individual work;
feeling failure, stop doing any activity;
they have few friends as they try to avoid large groups.

Insecure children often have dysfunctional families, low social status. This causes constant ridicule of peers, defines them in the category of outcasts. An incorrect assessment of the personality may arise due to the constant negative environment that the parents themselves create. For example, a mother constantly pulls a crumb, scolds for any mistakes and pranks, doubts his abilities. The kid is sure that if he coped poorly with one task, he will not complete another task either. Children with low self-esteem have the following problems :

conflict with peers;
have poor personality development;
they often show anger, hostility.

Important! Adults should remember: senior preschool age is a period when every rude word, unfounded criticism can have a detrimental effect on socialization. A child needs to be loved, supported, accepted by all his qualities, helped to get rid of the negative ones.

Features of adequate self-esteem

Adequate self-esteem in children develops in the presence of correct self-knowledge. The main characteristics of normal personality development are the ability to admit mistakes, a real assessment of one's own actions. Toddlers with adequate self-knowledge analyze activities, explain the reason for failure. They strive to do joint work,
support friends, show a friendly attitude, easily contact with the guys. Characteristic features of children with adequate self-esteem:

liability;
the ability to appreciate others;
confidence;
integrity;
defending one's own interests.

Peculiarities of behavior with adequate self-esteem:

Preschoolers can ask adults for help in moments of difficulty, while maintaining confidence.
Children are able to adequately assess their own behavior, they are able to accept themselves as they are.
Having made a mistake, they tend to choose a less difficult task. Having received a positive result, they strive to achieve even greater success.

Adequate self-esteem of children of senior preschool age appears due to the correctly chosen model of education. Properly raising parents think about behavior when a small family member is nearby. Thank him for the work done, concentrate on the positive. They allow you to take the initiative, support in times of failure. They do not set impossible goals for him, instead of criticizing, they calmly explain: some things are unacceptable to do. Feeling this attitude, the baby gains confidence, begins to show interest, and successfully completes tasks.

How to properly praise and punish in order to form an adequate self-esteem

How to increase a child's self-esteem? Loving parents ask this question. Experts recommend making praise and punishment important elements of the educational process. There is no need to be afraid of punishment, because with the right approach, this is a management method that can subdue, change the thoughts, behavior, and lifestyle of a child. However, when punishment becomes a way of self-affirmation of the parent, the result of education is zero. The use of such ineffective measures as shouting, aggression, physical strength will not help the formation of adequate self-esteem. This distorts the crumbs' idea of normal relationships between people. Things you can do to help your child build self-esteem:

Have an educational conversation. If the little one is very naughty, it is better to talk, creating a calm environment. This approach will make him understand, analyze actions.
Offer to correct the situation yourself. If a preschooler broke, spoiled some thing, you need to give him the opportunity to compensate for the damage. Correcting your own mistakes is a very useful tool for thinking, making the right decision.
Positive attitude. In addition to correcting the situation, an adult should encourage the baby to do things with benefit. For example, by removing scattered things, you can improve the look of the room, perform a small rearrangement.
Instead of constant shouting, it is necessary to formulate clear requirements and monitor their implementation.
If you still need to punish the child, you need to warn about the punishment.
There are more effective ways to persuade a preschooler: involvement in interesting situations, suggestion, play, conversation. The use of such methods eliminates the need for punishment.
The use of praise is a more effective parenting method. Many families mistakenly believe that rewards can spoil the baby. The more often a preschooler hears approval, the less often he has to be punished. Praise more, punish less.

Important! Psychologists recommend sticking to the scheme: once punished - praised five times. Children of senior preschool age perceive and assimilate positive information more easily. Growing up, they begin to independently analyze behavior, think about the correctness of actions, and avoid situations that cause dissatisfaction with their parents.

Ways to properly encourage a preschooler:

you need to praise for striving, trying to achieve a certain result;
parents should evaluate only actions;
use small rewards for praise;
give especially important assignments, emphasizing the importance, independence of the child;

Important! In order to maintain an adequate self-esteem of a preschooler, parents can praise him in front of outsiders, but it is allowed to punish him only in private!

How to determine the self-esteem of a preschooler

Diagnostics of self-esteem helps to identify the problems of personality development, self-knowledge of children of senior preschool age. Timely detected deviations of the assessment from the norm are easily corrected. The "Ladder" technique is a well-known method for diagnosing the type of self-esteem of a preschooler. The test helps to reveal the attitude towards oneself, as well as to determine how, in his opinion, others evaluate him. Such testing is quite accessible to parents. It can be played in the form of a game.

To carry out the test, you will need a piece of paper, a painted staircase of seven steps, a figure of a boy or a girl, and a pencil. You need to ask the children to place the figure in front of the step they want to choose. The guys need to voice the following conditions :

the first step is the best guys;
the second place was taken by the good guys;
the third is neither bad nor good;
fourth - more bad than good;
fifth - bad;
sixth - very bad;
the worst guys took the seventh place.

The selected step will be an indicator of self-esteem. Interpretation of test results :

children with high self-esteem choose the first - second step;
the third step speaks of adequate self-esteem;
fourth - sixth show an underestimation;
seventh - extremely underestimated.

The results of the methodology help to reveal children's internal problems, to correct self-esteem, to develop the ability to correctly assess one's own personality.

Useful tips for parents

In order for a preschooler to adequately assess their own abilities, parents must adhere to the following rules: “Look, Vasya is a great student”, “Katya cleans the house, you scatter things.” Such comments develop a sense of insecurity, inferiority. You need to notice the strengths of the crumbs, emphasize them. For example, "Vasya knows mathematics very well, you are Russian", "Katya cleans, and you wash the dishes wonderfully."

It is necessary to really evaluate achievements Excessive praise can instill in children a dependence on evaluation.

By criticizing, you can develop an inferiority complex of a person. You can't underestimate your abilities, but you can't overestimate them either.

Accepting the boundaries of the baby This definition covers a wide range of personality traits. Parents must respect the feelings, thoughts of their own child, take care of toys and other property. Accept friends, interests, hobbies. It should be understood that the baby may have a bad mood, be angry, upset. The respectful attitude of parents contributes to the formation of adequate self-esteem of preschoolers.

Be an example Children of senior preschool age choose an ideal - mom or dad. Children note how parents treat themselves. Does mom think she's beautiful? Does dad speak respectfully? Children immediately notice the internal problems of adults, borrow, repeat the behavior of relatives, considering them correct. Family members are encouraged to engage in introspection, keep promises, care, share achievements.

Within the family, the core values that the child adopts are formed. In addition to the preschooler's own activities, self-esteem is formed by actions, conversations, and actions of parents. These factors affect the successful development of the individual, the effectiveness of building relationships, imitation of positive examples.

8 Safe Ways to Help Your Child Develop Positive Self-Esteem

Self-esteem is how much a child values and believes in himself. Developing positive self-esteem is important for every child. However, in a child with special needs, the development of positive self-esteem is difficult. This is because self-esteem is related to how capable a child feels. To make progress in school and in social interaction, a child with a developmental disability often has to work much harder than other children.

By encouraging your child to be diligent and helping him to recognize and use his strengths, you form the growth of his positive self-esteem. These eight proven ways will help you do just that.

1. Talk and give your own examples

Talk to your child not only about his characteristics, but also about areas that need development. Your child will also benefit from hearing you acknowledge your weaknesses and what strengths you value most.

If you have a poor working memory, share with your child how it bothers you and how you solve this problem, for example: “In the store, I often cannot remember all the products that need to be bought, so I always take a list products."

2. Give clear feedback, but do not criticize

Sometimes it can be difficult to explain to a child how to improve their skills. Convey your thoughts as simply and clearly as possible - this will form confidence in yourself, your strengths and capabilities. It is important to talk about problems in a way that motivates the child to do better, but at the same time does not make him feel guilty.

Positive self-esteem comes from working hard to achieve a goal. Therefore, instead of criticizing, offer the child a specific goal to which he should strive. Instead of complaining, "Why do you always leave your clothes in such a mess?", suggest a solution: "Your clothes are everywhere. You can play after everything is put away." Help create an agile mindset (growth mindset)

Help your child translate negative thoughts and statements into positive ones. Children with a growth mindset believe that their abilities can improve over time. (Unlike fixed mindset kids who think their abilities can't change no matter how hard they try.)

For example, your child might say, “I can't read this. It's too hard because I'm dyslexic." Your response: “Yes, you have a hard time reading, and you can't read this book yet. So let's plan what we can do to solve the problem."