How to help your child through bullying

What Is Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Types of Bullying
Where and When Bullying Happens
Frequency of Bullying

Types of Bullying

There are three types of bullying:

Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
- Teasing
- Name-calling
- Inappropriate sexual comments
- Taunting
- Threatening to cause harm
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
- Leaving someone out on purpose
- Telling other children not to be friends with someone
- Spreading rumors about someone
- Embarrassing someone in public
Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
- Hitting/kicking/pinching
- Spitting
- Tripping/pushing
- Taking or breaking someone’s things
- Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where and When Bullying Happens

Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground or the bus. It can also happen travelling to or from school, in the youth’s neighborhood, or on the Internet.

Frequency of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

The 2019 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) indicates that, nationwide, about 22% of students ages 12–18 experienced bullying.
The 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that, nationwide, 19.5% of students in grades 9–12 report being bullied on school property in the 12 months preceding the survey.

How to Prevent Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can:

Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help.
Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns.
Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.
Model how to treat others with kindness and respect.

Help Kids Understand Bullying

Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.

Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
Watch the short webisodes and discuss them - PDF with kids.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending 15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily life and feelings with questions like these:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

Get more ideas for talking with children - PDF about life and about bullying. If concerns come up, be sure to respond.

There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives.

Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
Check the school website
Go to school events
Greet the bus driver
Meet teachers and counselors at “Back to School” night or reach out by email
Share phone numbers with other kids’ parents

Teachers and school staff also have a role to play.

Encourage Kids to Do What They Love

Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and friendships that help protect kids from bullying.

Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect

Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.

How to help your child survive online bullying

Cyberbullying is a phenomenon that adults often ignore. It seems to them that "the kids are having fun, it's okay." While even an adult, ongoing bullying can shock and provoke a nervous breakdown. What then to speak of fragile minds? For recommendations, we turned to the psychologist and head of the Just Support Svetlana Bogatyryova .

Photo: Bauyrzhan Sabitov

VOX: In terms of terminology, what is cyberbullying?

— To understand what cyberbullying is, you need to understand what bullying is. These are systematic actions aimed at humiliating a person. Accordingly, cyberbullying is the same, only online, through Internet technologies. We can't take a single action, like posting a funny meme, that's not cyberbullying. What matters is what is behind it. And the means can be different: chats, and social networks, and memes, and direct insults, and veiled ones, sometimes children even create conversations behind the back of a child. But the bottom line is that the main goal is to somehow discredit the victim.

Svetlana Bogatyreva

VOX: What is the scale of the problem in our country?

— In our country, studies on this issue have not been conducted, because the law does not enshrine the basic concepts related to cyberbullying. And scientists do not fully understand the methodology by which they should study this phenomenon. It is important that people can take the same methodology in a year, two, three, apply it again and compare the data. Therefore, we must first agree on the terms. But I have come across studies, very local ones, where cyberbullying was not taken out separately, but looked at as a whole by bullying: how often children are subjected to it. And, according to these data, every fifth child has experienced this. However, I have not yet seen official studies with reference to serious sources.

VOX: What are the consequences of cyberbullying? Some parents may underestimate the seriousness of the whole situation.

- The consequences can be even worse than bullying, because, conditionally, when a child is bullied at school, at home he has a certain period of rest. And cyberbullying is 24/7, the effect increases many times. Well, the consequences are neurotization, the child loses his appetite, sleeps poorly, his studies deteriorate, self-esteem decreases, sometimes this becomes a suicide trigger. In general, it all depends on the sensitivity of the child, his susceptibility and the extent of bullying. But there is no need to turn a blind eye to what is happening, because these are serious consequences for the rest of your life. A child who has been bullied begins to look at himself differently, his expectations from life change, the limits of what he can achieve. If you do not help correctly, the forecasts are not very good.

VOX: How can you tell if your child is being bullied online?

- Can be recognized by a change in the child's behavior. If you see that he does not want to go to school, hides gadgets, somehow reacts especially sharply to every incoming message, of course, this indirectly indicates that something is happening. What to do? Build trusting relationships and talk so that the child does not think that if he talks about the problem, then he is talking. It must be conveyed: he is trying to help himself and deal with the situation, because any bullying does not stop by the children themselves. Someone more mature and status must intervene in order to correctly resolve the conflict. The parent needs to get involved, but without unnecessary emotions and nerves, but by collecting facts: take screenshots of messages and record calls.

VOX: How do you teach a child to deal with such situations on their own?

- First of all, you need to maintain his self-esteem, and for this the child must know that he can do a lot, and understand his strengths. And also there should be basic confidence in the parents: they will not turn away and will always be on his side. Well, communication skills are also important - to be able not to hide from offensive words, to put the offender in his place. The child needs to recognize when something unacceptable is happening and communicate their disagreement with such a situation. “I don’t accept this”, “You can’t do this with me” - these patterns should sound in words, while you must not be rude and not stoop to the level of the offender. And, of course, seek help from adults.

VOX: When it comes to teenagers, it's not uncommon for a boy or girl to send rather candid photos to their lovers and friends. And even completely independently uploads them in personal accounts in social networks. Photos become public, and the teenager begins to be bullied. Are there any recommendations regarding this?

— First, you need to talk to the child, convey the idea of the negative consequences of such behavior. On the other hand, a “decent” photo can also fall into the hands of ill-wishers. There are a lot of photo editors where you can edit anything, and then blackmail with these photos that will look like real ones. Here it is important to convey to the child: no matter how scary the content is, one should not be led by blackmailers, but should contact adults and law enforcement agencies with an explanation of the situation and a demand to stop illegal actions. It is clear that this cannot be removed from the Internet - reposts do not allow even world stars to remove their unsuccessful images from everywhere.

VOX: Are there any rules of conduct that can, if not protect against bullying, then minimize the likelihood of it occurring?

— You have to understand that there are “trolls” in the network — people who poison everyone in a row, this is their situational activity. It is necessary to teach the child to distinguish when a dialogue is being conducted with him on the merits, and when a person is guided by the desire to bring him to emotions and laugh at him. We must teach that you cannot publish your personal data: address, school number, place of work of parents, notify everyone about the upcoming vacation, and so on. That is, follow the usual rules of cybersecurity.

How to help a child who is being bullied at school: a guide for students and teachers

If the physical signs of bullying (bruises, torn clothes, “lost” expensive phone) are quickly noticed by an attentive parent, then things are not so obvious with verbal bullying. And many parents and teachers are sure that "it's just such a game." Bullying NET program coordinator Maria Svir explains why verbal abuse is dangerous and how to properly respond to bullying.

Adults who believe that teasing is just a form of communication and there is nothing wrong with it, most likely from those who have never experienced it or have safely forgotten about everything. Because insults, laughter in the classroom, when a child tries to answer, ridicule of certain character traits - this is real bullying. It causes a child to feel fear, helplessness, self-doubt, neurosis, anxiety, depressive thoughts and states.

Why a child can be teased

Teasing, just like harassing in general, can be done for anything - for an older sister's sweater, for a surname, for good grades. If you ask a child who is being bullied why this happens to him, the answer will be predictable: "Because I'm fat / I don't have a tablet / I run slowly / I'm the worst." The child will easily explain this - something is obviously wrong with him.

The main danger of seemingly harmless teasers: they suggest to the child that he really has something to call him names for

Even the most self-confident child living in a loving family can succumb to this provocation. A child who is constantly teased and called names may experience difficulties in learning, does not believe in himself, tries to skip classes by hook or by crook in order to avoid traumatic situations. He begins to look at himself as defective.

In the future, this experience, even if suppressed, may turn into problems with self-esteem and a healthy perception of oneself, and feelings of shame, powerlessness, helplessness, vulnerability will be remembered for a long time and may negatively affect the formation of personality.

If your child has few friends, but no one takes away his sense of security, hurts him, teases or mocks him, then he is just withdrawn and you should not worry about him.

When verbal bullying occurs

In primary school, the likelihood of bullying is significantly lower, since the authority of the teacher, to whom children are hyperloyal, is still very strong. But even friendly and neutral teams that did not have bullying in elementary school run the risk of “discovering” bullying from grades 5-6 when the teacher ceases to play such an important role.

Children suddenly realize that, it turns out, they can rally against someone. By mocking and pursuing the chosen victim, one can feel belonging to a group, a special ecstasy, fun and even euphoria from the community - feelings that one wants to experience again and again and which are difficult to give up.

Also, when someone is bullied as a bystander, they may simply be afraid to stop - afraid that the aggressor's attention will switch to him, that he will be declared "wrong" and made the next outcast.

What to do to parents and a child who is teased

1. Explain who is to blame

First of all, the child must be explained that if he is teased, it is not something wrong with him, but with those around him. They chose to be bad and call names. If someone systematically did something stupid on purpose (breaking cups at home / tearing up their notebooks / somehow harming themselves), then we would not think anything good about such a person. It is important to immediately tell the child that his features are an integral part of the personality and in no way does it make him bad.

2. Try not to react

Parents often advise to “just ignore the bullies, they will get bored soon”, but this only works if the child really stays calm and unruffled. And if it is easy to see confusion, reddening cheeks and shining eyes behind indifference, the aggressors only become more cheerful. They redouble their efforts. Moreover, this performance is intended rather for the public, which certainly does not pretend that it does not care, but willingly picks it up and laughs. As long as there are spectators, bullying will not stop.

3. Do not accept the rules of the game

The main rule is not to pick up the imposed rules of the game in any case and not to give out the reaction that the instigators are waiting for (cry, get angry, snap, shout, refute, prove, ask to stop).

A classic example: the aggressors take someone else's hat and start tossing it to each other, forcing the victim to run back and forth, trying to catch. You just need to turn around and go home: there is a high probability that the offenders, firstly, will immediately become uninterested in their idea and they will simply throw an unnecessary hat, and secondly, they will be afraid that the victim will now come home and tell everything to their parents.

4. Acting unexpectedly

Even better, set your own attitudes: give permission (“Call yourself healthy”), shift the responsibility to the offender (“Yes, I already noticed that you like to say that”), ask questions (“Originally Is there anything else?").

Of course, at first this can inspire the aggressors and they will actually call names on their health and demonstrate what they have in stock. But, as a rule, such an escalation does not last long, because calling names without return is like shouting into the abyss.

5. Develop self-irony

The wounded reaction of the victim allows the aggressor to feel strength, power and self-confidence, his rightness and victory. Teach your child not to give this strength and power over himself to anyone. In verbal bullying, the ability to have a sense of humor and self-irony is extremely important: children who can confidently and with laughter be the first to declare their differences, whatever they may be, usually do not bully.

How to behave as a teacher

1. Do not shift responsibility

This applies to the teacher. Insults, name-calling and offensive teasing may amuse the whole class, but the one who is being bullied obviously does not enjoy it, which means that the task of the teacher is to stop it. Without any excuses in the spirit of "well, they don't fight - and that's fine." A game is when everyone has fun, a process in which everyone participates voluntarily.

2. Determine when bullying starts

The teacher must distinguish between conflict, unpopularity and bullying, as each of these problems must be dealt with in different ways. The conflict usually involves two, and the forces of the opponents are approximately equal. In this case, mediation methods work well: a third, neutral party enters into the conflict, which expresses an impartial opinion and helps to resolve differences.

It is also up to the teacher to help a child gain popularity: you can give him tasks that he does well, celebrate his successes, praise him - in a word, show the importance of this person for the whole group. However, these measures should be taken only when there is no bullying - otherwise the student runs the risk of facing even more severe bullying, since bullying a successful, "upstart", "suck" is even more pleasant and interesting.

3. Take the situation into your own hands

In case of bullying, you need to work not with one student, not with two conflicting ones, but with the whole group at once. Since it will not be possible to eradicate bullying by removing the main offender: the group will immediately nominate a new aggressor, only this time it will learn to cover it up or conduct bullying more sophisticatedly and subtly. The first main step of the teacher is to convey to the class that he is aware of the current situation and it does not suit him. The second step is to give the problem a name: we have bullying/violence going on in our class. Options like “Sasha can’t find a common language with you, why are you offending him, he feels bad and sad” are not suitable, since this is again shifting the blame to “Sasha” and an appeal to his feelings (but if the aggressors cared about him feelings - they would not poison him).

4. Present bullying as a disease

The aggressor usually tries to fight back to the last and defend himself "yes he himself", "what am I?", "he started first". Therefore, it is more effective to present bullying as a disease of the whole group, from which everyone is sad and bad. What can we do to heal so that we can have a friendly class again?

This method allows the instigators to save face (very often they are insecure and vulnerable children who are afraid of losing respect and authority), and the whole team to realize that they are in the same boat.

Examples from books and films will help develop the discussion - for elementary school students "The Ugly Duckling" by Harry Bardin, for older children - "Scarecrow" by Zheleznikov. Of course, everyone should read or watch a movie together, and not ask homework. In the process, it is important to pay attention to some points, to be interested in the opinion of students, to ask how they would act in this or that case, who is right and why.

5. Help the children rate their own behavior

Have the children score themselves based on how they contributed to the bullying: not participating at all, silently watching from the sidelines, supporting the instigator, or being the main offenders. It is also useful to develop general rules of conduct, vote for them, write them out in large beautiful letters on whatman paper and invite all children to sign. It is clear that this “document” will not have any legal force, but the therapeutic effect of concluding a real contract with an adult will help strengthen the positive dynamics of change.

Cartoon Network Russia, one of the leading children's TV channels, runs an annual anti-bullying campaign. In 2018, she came up with the slogan "To be different is great!" and the hashtag #BeGreat. The project invites adults and children to take a fresh look at the features, because they are what make each of us unique. The social initiative of the TV channel was supported by ANO BO Zhuravlik, the Travli NET program and the Galchonok Charitable Foundation, as well as the projects Family Tree and Children about Important.