How to help a child who lies
Why Kids Lie and What Parents Can Do to Stop It
Call them fibs, whoppers or straight-up untruths: However you label them, kids are likely to lie somewhere along the way. While a younger child may conjure up an elaborate tale about how she couldn’t possibly have kicked a younger sibling, older kids may flat-out lie about doing their homework.
Sometimes the onset of lying is sudden and intense, reports Matthew Rouse, PhD, a clinical psychologist. “It’s a new thing where they were pretty truthful most of the time before and then suddenly they’re lying about a lot of stuff,” he says. This, of course, is concerning to parents. But if caregivers can understand why kids lie and be prepared to deal with the issue, the truth can come out.
Why kids lie Most parents think children lie to get something they want, avoid a consequence or get out of something they don’t want to do. These are common motivations, but there are also some less obvious reasons why kids might not tell the truth — or at least the whole truth.
To test out a new behavior
Dr. Rouse says one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. “They’ll wonder, what happens if I lie about this situation?” he says. “What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?’”
To enhance self-esteem and gain approval
Children who lack confidence may tell grandiose lies to make themselves seem more impressive, special or talented to inflate their self-esteem and make themselves look good in the eyes of others. Dr. Rouse recalls treating an eighth-grader who was exaggerating wildly about 80 percent of the time: “They were kind of incredible experiences that weren’t within the bounds of plausible at all.” For instance, the boy would say he’d gone to a party and everyone had started to chant for him when he came in the door.
To get the focus off themselves
Children with anxiety or depression might lie about their symptoms to get the spotlight off them, Dr.
Rouse notes. Or they might minimize their issues, saying something like “No, no I slept fine last night” because they don’t want people worrying about them.
Speaking before they think
Carol Brady, PhD, a clinical psychologist and regular columnist for ADDitude magazine who works with a lot of kids with ADHD, says they may lie out of impulsivity. “One of the hallmarks of the impulsive type of ADHD is to talk before they think,” she says, “so a lot of times you’re going to get this lying issue.”
Sometimes kids can really believe they’ve done something and tell what sounds like a lie, Dr. Brady adds. “Sometimes they’ll really just forget. I have kids who say, ‘To tell you the truth, Dr. Brady, I thought I did my homework. I really thought I did. I didn’t remember I had that extra work.’” When this happens, she says, they need help supplementing their memory by using techniques such as checklists, time limits and organizers.
And then there are white lies
Just to make things even trickier, in certain situations parents might actually encourage children to tell a white lie in order to spare someone’s feelings.
In this case, the white lie and when to use it fall under the umbrella of social skills.
Both Dr. Rouse and Dr. Brady say it’s first important to think about the function of the lie. “When I’m doing an evaluation, there are questions on our intake forms where parents can check off whether the child lies,” Dr. Rouse says. “It’s something I might spend 20 minutes delving into. What kinds of lies, what are the circumstances of the lies?” He says behavioral treatments depend on the function of the lies and the severity of the problem. “There are no hard and fast guidelines,” he says. “Different levels mean different repercussions.”
Level 1 lie
When it comes to attention-seeking lying, Dr. Rouse says that, generally speaking, it’s best to ignore it. Rather than saying harshly, “That’s a lie. I know that didn’t happen to you,” he suggests a gentle approach where parents don’t necessarily have a consequence but they’re also not trying to feed it a lot of attention.
This is especially true if the lying is coming from place of low self-esteem. “So if they’re saying, ‘I scored 10 goals today at recess in soccer and everybody put me on their shoulders and it was amazing’ and you think it’s not true, then I would say don’t ask a bunch of follow-up questions.” For these kind of low-level lies that aren’t really hurting anyone but aren’t good behavior, ignoring and redirecting to something that you know is more factual is the way to go.
Level 2 lie
If that doesn’t work, Dr. Rouse says, parents can be more transparent about it by offering a mild reprimand. “I’ve had situations where it’s an inflated kind of fantastical type of lie,” he says. “I’ll have parents label it and call it a tall tale. If the child is telling one of these stories, a parent will gently say, ‘Hey, this sounds like a tall tale, why don’t you try again and tell me what really happened?’ ” It’s about pointing out the behavior and encouraging kids to try again.
Level 3 lie
If something is more serious, like older kids lying about where they’ve been or whether they’ve done their homework, parents can think about having a consequence. Kids should be clear that there will be repercussions for this kind of lie, so it’s not coming out of the blue. Like all consequences, Dr. Rouse recommends it should be something short-lived, not overblown, which gives the child a chance to get back to practicing better behaviors. Some examples: losing her phone for an hour or having to do a chore
Also, depending on the severity, there also has to be a component of addressing what they were lying about. If a child has said he didn’t have any homework all week and then the parent finds out he had homework every day, there needs to be some kind of consequence for the lying and he also has to sit down and do all the work. If he’s hit another child and lied about it, there’s a consequence for the lying and also for hitting. In this case, Dr.
Rouse says, you would also have him write an apology letter to the other child.
Let them know the truth reduces consequences
For instance, if teens have been drinking at a party, the parent will want them to call to be picked up. But kids know there also has to be a consequence for the drinking. “There’s a hard balance to strike between having the open dialogue but also setting appropriate limits when necessary,” Dr. Rouse says.
In this situation, where lying would have been easier, when parents are doling out the consequence they can also praise the child for telling the truth and tell them it makes them more trustworthy. They might also reduce the consequence, such as letting kids know they’re taking their phone away for a day instead of a week.
Dr. Rouse adds one caveat: Children and teens should not think consequences are negotiable. “Sometimes the kid will say, ‘But I told you the truth,’” he says.
“They’ll get manipulative, saying, ‘This is just making me want to never tell the truth again.’” Parents shouldn’t give in at that point.
Use truth checks
Let’s say parents have been told by a teacher their child didn’t do her homework. Dr. Brady suggests that they give their kid a chance to tell the truth. If she doesn’t at first, the parents could say, “I’m going to walk away and give you 10 minutes and then I’m going to come back and ask you again. If you change your mind and want to give me a different answer, it’s just a truth check and you won’t get in trouble.”
This way, if a child gives an off-the-cuff answer because she’s scared of consequences or she doesn’t want to disappoint a parent, she has the chance to really think about whether she wants to lie or fess up without the consequences. Dr. Brady notes that this technique isn’t for a child who chronically lies.
Use the preamble method
Parents can also set up kids to tell the truth by reminding them that they don’t expect perfection, Dr.
Brady notes. Parents could say, “I’m going to ask you a question and maybe you’re going to tell me something I don’t really want to hear. But remember, your behavior is not who you are. I love you no matter what, and sometimes people make mistakes. So I want you to think about giving me an honest answer.” Giving kids a chance to reflect on this may lead to them telling the truth.
Give kids with ADHD more time to think
Dr. Brady says kids with ADHD, who are prone to giving impulsive answers that come out as lies, need some extra time to think things through before speaking. Impulsivity can be a problem both at home and in school, when a teacher asks if a child has finished an assignment and the child answers yes without even looking at his paper. That’s when he needs to be taught to slow down and check his work.
What parents shouldn’t doDon’t ever corner your child
Putting a child on the spot can set him up to lie.
If parents know the true story, Dr. Brady recommends, they should go right to the issue and discuss it. Instead of asking a child if he didn’t do his homework a parent could just say, “I know you didn’t do it. Let’s talk about why that’s not a good idea.”
Don’t label your child a liar
It’s a big mistake to call a child a liar, Dr Brady argues. The wound it creates is bigger than dealing with what he lied about in the first place. He thinks, “Mom won’t believe me.” It makes him feel bad about himself and may set up a pattern of lying.
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5 Tips to Handle When Your Child Lies
Written by WebMD Editorial Contributors
In this Article
- Advantages and Disadvantages of Your Child Lying
Kids lie for many reasons. They may want to avoid a consequence or say what comes to mind even if it’s not true.
Children may start lying suddenly. This can be shocking for parents who have dealt with an honest child until now. Knowing why your child is lying and how to talk to them can help stop this behavior.
Understanding why children start lying can help you treat the underlying reason. Children typically lie for four reasons.
- They may not know better.
- They may know it’s wrong to lie but have a stronger desire to accomplish something else.
- They may say what pops in their head without filtering.
- They may try to mislead an adult because they have negative feelings towards them.
Determine how serious your child's lies are. Depending on your child’s age, there may be different intentions behind their lying. A young child may tell tall tales which isn’t always a problem. An older child may lie about their behavior. This secret keeping could lead to serious behavioral problems as an adult.
Correct lying behavior.
You should not punish or corner your child when they’re caught in a lie. This can lead to more serious lies or resentment. Instead, remain calm and explain to them why lying is wrong. You can also provide them with facts. Then encourage them to tell you the story again but truthfully.
How to handle your child lying. Don’t scold or yell at them when you catch them in a lie. You’ll want to keep communication honest and comfortable between you and your child. The following steps will help you handle your child’s lies:
- View lies as skill-building. As your child gets older, they’ll test what they can get away with. This is how they learn consequences.
- Respond to lies with facts. Especially when dealing with children under the age of three, let them know that there are facts. Lay out evidence that contradicts their lies.
- Help them find a way to deal with certain behaviors. If you catch your child in a lie, let them know that they can tell you the truth.
- If they see you lie, they’ll lie. Your child will watch how you respond to things, and if you’re lying, they will think they can too.
- Let older children know there are times when small lies can be okay. Then teach them the moral consequences of bigger lies. Let them see how you’ve been caught in lies and let it be a learning experience for them.
You should be concerned when your child lies frequently. If your child’s lying is paired with other concerning behavior, they may have psychological problems. A child that lies and doesn’t have friends can also be a concern. They may feel isolated and lonely. If your child lies and shows no signs of remorse or guilt, they might have underlying issues as well.
By age three, your child may already understand what lying is. Children often start lying to cover up actions they know are wrong. But lying can also signify cognitive and social understanding. Advantages of your child lying include:
- Cognitive ability.
It takes cognitive skills to regulate their actions, plan their lies, and strategize when they lie. Lying is a problematic behavior, but it could be your child’s way of developing their thoughts and actions. - Controlling their thoughts. Your child will need to go against what they’re trained to think to maintain a lie. This shows that some children can hold conflicting thoughts in their minds and control which action they talk about.
- That doesn’t mean they have a lack of morals. Just because lying is bad, doesn’t mean your child is. Some studies have shown that there is little to no relationship between children’s lying behavior and moral understanding.
Disadvantages include:
- Lying because they’re stressed. Your child may lie because they feel a lot of pressure to act a certain way. They may be feeling pressure from their parents. This could lead to low self-esteem and frequent lying to avoid the truth.
- Unable to explain their actions. Your child may not understand that what they are doing is wrong.
If they don’t know their behavior is bad, they continue to lie about their actions. They may not have the cognitive ability to understand why they’re lying. - Used to get attention. If your child feels neglected, they may come up with lies to get your attention. This may be a coping mechanism for not getting the praise that they want. This is a behavioral problem that can be addressed.
The child lies and deceives. What to do?
Many parents are faced with the fact that the child tells lies - lies and deceives.
As a rule, the reaction of parents to such behavior is to scold, shame, punish the child.
But once you begin to understand why your child lies and cheats, then you can help him change his behavior and become more honest. The key word here is "help". Not to force, not to force, but to help the child not to lie and deceive, but to tell you the truth.
Reasons why a child lies and deceives
If we start to figure out why a child lies and deceives, we will see that he is just the same afraid of punishment, screaming and being scolded.
It's kind of a vicious circle. The more we scold the child for deceit, the more he will hide the truth from us in the future. What is the way out of this?
Children, as a rule, find quite logical reasons to hide the truth - they want to avoid unpleasant consequences for themselves, they do not want to disappoint their parents, they do not want to listen to screams and hourly moralizing.
It is hard for a child not to lie when he knows exactly what a very unpleasant outcome awaits him for the truth. Therefore, understanding all these reasons, we need to create such conditions in the family so that the child can easily tell us everything as it is.
There are also cases when a child wants to embellish the situation in order to impress others more, to gain more weight in the eyes of others. This happens when the child feels that he is not good enough as he is.
And instead of scolding him, he needs to be understood and assured that everything is all right with him and that he does not have to invent something about himself that is not really there.
Or it may be that the child does not deceive on purpose, but understands or remembers the situation in his own way and retells it exactly as he perceived it. In this case, it would be completely unfair to talk about deception. It's just the way the kid remembers it.
For some children, fantasizing is a psychological defense that helps them cope with some difficult circumstances in their lives.
For example, a child's dog has died. He does not want to believe it and fantasizes that the dog actually just ran away and lives in the forest. At the same time, he himself begins to believe in this fantasy so much that he tells others about it. Can we say in this case that the child is cheating? No. He uses fantasy to protect himself from painful experiences for which he was not ready. In his subjective, inner world, the dog really lives in the forest. And he believes in it.
Again, when we punish children for lying, they continue to lie in the hope of avoiding any punishment in the future.
The following nine tips will help you build more trust in your relationship with your child. They will help you establish a climate in the family in which it will be easy for children to tell the truth.
Please just be patient and understand that the situation cannot change quickly. It takes time for trust to grow between you again. Be patient and consistent.
9 tips to help your child not lie and tell the truth:
1. Remain calm and respond adequately to your child's misconduct
Try not to frighten your child with your emotional reactions to his actions, hurtful words, shouting, threats and punishments. Such reactions do not educate children for the future, they do not teach them something new. They just help you blow off steam, but instill fear in your child.
Therefore, watch how you respond to children's "bad" behavior. For example, on spilled juice on the carpet, spilled salt, untidy toys, unwashed hands, unfinished homework. If a child knows that the reaction of mom or dad to his misdeeds is excessively violent, emotional, angry, mom will scream, and dad will grab the belt, it will be difficult for him to tell you the truth.
Focus not on blaming the child for what happened, but on finding a way out of the current situation together with him. Ask the child: " What can we do now to deal with the consequences of ?” Instead of getting angry and blaming, think together about what can be done now.
Remain calm and respond appropriately when a child lies.
Example: A mother got angry with her 5-year-old daughter for dropping and breaking a beautiful dish. Instead of yelling at her and punishing her, her mother managed her emotions and said: “ Let's think about what can be done now? »
The girl herself was very worried and apologized, and in response to her mother's question, she suggested trying to glue the broken dish together. They glued the dish together and mom explained that now it can’t be used and it will stand just for beauty. Mom also said that she was very upset by what had happened, but she understood that the girl did not do it on purpose and this could happen to anyone.
She showed her daughter how to hold a large dish in her hands next time so that it does not fall out.
2. Do not provoke your child to lie and deceive
If you see a pile of things on the floor in your daughter's room, don't ask, “ Have you removed your things from the floor? » When we ask questions to which we already know the answer, we ourselves push our child to lie in the hope that you will leave him behind.
Instead, underline in your question how to solve this situation, for example: “ I see there are still a lot of your things on the floor, do you need help to clean them up or can you do it yourself? " or " Do you want to put your clothes away now or when you finish dinner? »
If you know that your son hasn't touched his lessons, instead of asking Did you do your homework? ”, ask: “ What are your plans for the lessons? What thoughts? »
Instead of asking your daughter: « Did you trample it in the corridor? ”, ask “ How do we clean the floor in the hallway now? And what do you think should be done so that there is no more dirt on the floor in the corridor from street shoes? »
Such questions allow your child to engage in active discussion, "save face", prevent a "power struggle" with him, and you help him focus on the plan of action, on what needs to be done, instead of preparing an excuse or come up with something.
In addition, it perfectly educates the child for the future.
3. Try to understand why the child is lying and telling lies
Instead of “catching” the child on his deceit and accusing him: “ Why are you lying to me? I raised a liar! Tell me the truth! ”- try to look at the root of the problem and understand why your child cannot tell you the truth in this situation now.
Say something like this: “ What you are saying does not sound very plausible. It seems to me that for some reason you simply cannot tell me how it really was. Maybe you are afraid of something? Let's talk about it and discuss the situation together. It's always better to tell the truth as it is. »
Do not speak in a threatening tone, but in a welcoming tone. Reassure your child that you will not scold or punish him for the truth, whatever it may be. In the future, the child will remember this experience and be more likely to share with you, because he will know that it is safe to share what happened with you.
Believe me, there is no point in punishing and scolding! Well, your swearing and punishment will not help the child in the future to behave differently or tell you the truth. But a discussion and a confidential conversation with him will help. Let not immediately, but such conversations will certainly bear fruit.
4. Mark the child for honesty
“ Mommy, just don’t swear, something happened to me there b”… “ Mommy, I’ll tell you something now, but don’t scold me, please "...
First of all, you need to pay attention: despite the fact that the child understands that he did something wrong, he still came to you and confessed what happened. And even if you are upset that there is a sea of water on the floor in the bathroom, because your daughter tried to bathe the doll in the sink, you need to praise her for coming to you and telling you everything about flooding the entire floor.
Say: “ I really appreciate that you tell me honestly how it is, tell the truth.
This is the most important thing, and now we will wipe the water with you .
It often happens that a child first tells a lie, and then corrects himself and confesses. And often parents, instead of praising the child for the courage to tell the truth and his confession, continue to scold him for the fact that at first he nevertheless deceived them. He corrected himself, took a step in the right direction, and the parents still emphasize that at first he told a lie.
The child receives this lesson – “It doesn't matter if I'm lying or telling the truth, I'm scolded in both cases. Confess or don't confess, it won't get any better." So that the child does not draw such conclusions, but understands that his confession will be of great benefit and lead to a constructive discussion, it is necessary to note the sincerity of the child, to praise his honesty.
5. Explain to the child that mistakes are opportunities to learn something
Every mistake is an opportunity to learn something new, gain new experience. The child needs to be explained that making mistakes is normal, we all make mistakes and learn from mistakes, everything can be redone and corrected. Only those who do nothing do not make mistakes.
Help your child see their mistakes as an opportunity to learn something. To do this, ask him questions: “ If you could do it again, what would you do differently? Let's think about how best to act in this situation next time? ". Think with your child, exchange ideas, and help your son or daughter reach an important conclusion.
When we, adults, calmly accept the mistakes of a child and teach him the right attitude towards them, it will be easier for him to tell the truth and admit mistakes and failures in the future.
6. Show your child your unconditional love and support
Say that you love the child for no reason, no matter what, even if he gets into trouble and he makes mistakes. Make sure your child knows for sure that despite his misdeeds, mistakes or bad behavior, you will never love him less. This helps the child feel safe and open up to you more.
7. Set the right example
Remember that our children learn from us. It happens that we ourselves deceive children over trifles and believe that this is “nothing terrible”, “a lie for good”. For example, we say to a child "If you get ready now and we quickly go for a walk, I'll buy you ice cream" . And then it turns out that we didn’t take the money, or we simply don’t have time to go to the store, or we changed our minds, because “it’s almost time for dinner”, etc.
Another example: we don’t want guests to come to us in the evening, therefore, we tell them on the phone that we will not be at home, that we are leaving, and the child knows perfectly well that we are not really leaving anywhere. Another example of a small everyday lie of adults. And there are many such examples. Therefore, make sure to always tell the truth in the presence of a child (and not only), and keep your word.
Separately, it should be emphasized how ready we ourselves are to allow deception in relation to ourselves and others - to tacitly agree or show an active position. How ready are we ourselves, for example, to use unlicensed software, stolen courses, or plagiarism? Our children see and learn all this at the level of values, regardless of what we teach them with the help of words.
8. Don't label your child as "cheater" or "liar"
Even if you have caught your child cheating several times, never call him such offensive words. They have absolutely no pedagogical meaning, but only further complicate the situation. The child sooner or later comes to terms with such labels and begins to feel exactly who you call him.
9. Never complain to other people that your child has deceived you
Especially do not do this in the presence of a child. This is very humiliating and insulting and will greatly complicate your relationship with him. Do not take rubbish out of the hut. Try to resolve such situations within the family and help the child save face in front of other adults and his friends. This will help him change faster.
If you feel like you are following all of these guidelines and your child continues to lie and cheat a lot, you may need the help of a professional child psychologist.
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Why does the child lie and what to do about it? Psychologist's advice
Inara Chetkareva, psychologist-teacher
A lie accompanies a person throughout his life: we all have ever lied and continue to do so. When do children start lying?
It turns out that a child begins to apply the skills of easy and uncomplicated deception as early as 6 months. This is usually crying or laughing, which the baby uses to get attention. With age, lies become more sophisticated.
Reasons for children's lies
There are several reasons for a child to lie. The first and most obvious is the lack of attention from an adult. Children from 3.5 years old are already quite consciously inventing different stories so that mom and dad will finally notice him:
“I ran and ran and fell very hard,” the baby cries.
And the parents run to him, they regret it. When this little lie stops getting the right reaction, the child comes up with something bigger.
Source.
By the way, the same reason, but more socially significant, is one of the main reasons for teenagers. In order to assert themselves, win the favor of their peers, or join a new company, teenagers often invent fairy tales to themselves.
The second reason is the fear of punishment. The kid, having received once in the ass and a severe reprimand for spilled juice, the next time he will simply shift all the blame on the cat. Excessive severity and excessive punishments for petty offenses are all excellent reasons to raise a liar.
Another reason is the suppression of the child's emotions. As soon as the mother frowns and shows dissatisfaction with the behavior of her baby, which, in her opinion, does not correspond to the correct one (the baby complains too loudly about pain in the stomach or says that the porridge is tasteless), then the child has no choice but to hide his emotions.
The suppression of true feelings and emotions is, in principle, very dangerous for the mental and psychological health of the child, but it is also a reason for lying.
Well, I would also like to say about such a kind of lie as fantasy. Fantasizing is the most pleasant and harmless lie. However, so that it does not develop into something negative, which in the future can harm both the child and others, fantasies must be directed in the right direction.
"Bonus" for teenagers
All of the above reasons can be attributed to teenagers. But from early adolescence (9-11 years old) and up to adolescence, children have another significant reason to lie. It is the creation of personal territory: the desire to push the boundaries that adults have set for them.
What should parents do in this case? Of course, go towards the child. But everything should be within reason. There will be arguments, there will be resentment. But a child must learn to defend his interests, and an adult must learn to regulate the limits of what is permitted.
For example, your 14-year-old daughter asks her friend for a sleepover on her day off. Terrible pictures immediately flash through an adult’s head, where he sees his daughter smoking, drinking liters of beer and, to complete the picture, there will definitely be guys of about 20 years old. At this moment, you must pull yourself together, gather your courage and build your conversation so that your daughter understands that you trust her. "It's great that you have such a friend, to whom I'm not afraid to let you spend the night!" or “I also had a best friend whom I often went to sleepovers. We had a very interesting and fun time.” By the way, our personal life experience is always interesting for children and often they will do the same as you do at their age. But do not try to catch the child in advance in a lie: 100%, that in return you will receive it.
Source.
What should be done so that lying does not become a habit and a norm of communication?
For preschoolers and younger students, the following option is available.
Get down to the child so that your eyes are at the same level. Calmly tell your child what you know about his lies. Ask him to tell the truth, assuring him that you will not be angry. As soon as the kid decides and tells you everything, keep your promise. Do not swear, do not raise your voice, do not use physical punishment. Explain to the child why he did wrong, sort out the situation with him and be sure to tell him what he should have done. At the end, hug the child, say that you are proud of him for being so brave and telling the truth. And remind him that you are always ready to help.
The same rules apply to a teenager, but adjusted for age. Of course, these are just general recommendations and they are not suitable for every case. But one thing is always true - talk to your children and listen to what they tell you. Then many problems can be avoided.
Source.
What if your child has a liar friend?
Unfortunately, we cannot influence the society that surrounds our child.
