How to handle misbehaving child

What’s the Best Way to Discipline My Child?

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As a parent, one of your jobs to teach your child to behave. It's a job that takes time and patience. But, it helps to learn the effective and healthy discipline strategies.

Here are some tips from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) on the best ways to help your child learn acceptable behavior as they grow.

10 healthy discipline strategies that work

The AAP recommends positive discipline strategies that effectively teach children to manage their behavior and keep them from harm while promoting healthy development. These include:

1. Show and tell. Teach children right from wrong with calm words and actions. Model behaviors you would like to see in your children.

2. Set limits. Have clear and consistent rules your children can follow. Be sure to explain these rules in age-appropriate terms they can understand.

3. Give consequences. Calmly and firmly explain the consequences if they don't behave. For example, tell her that if she does not pick up her toys, you will put them away for the rest of the day. Be prepared to follow through right away. Don't give in by giving them back after a few minutes. But remember, never take away something your child truly needs, such as a meal.

4. Hear them out. Listening is important. Let your child finish the story before helping solve the problem. Watch for times when misbehavior has a pattern, like if your child is feeling jealous. Talk with your child about this rather than just giving consequences.

5. Give them your attention. The most powerful tool for effective discipline is attention—to reinforce good behaviors and discourage others. Remember, all children want their parent's attention.

6. Catch them being good. Children need to know when they do something bad--and when they do something good. Notice good behavior and point it out, praising success and good tries. Be specific (for example, "Wow, you did a good job putting that toy away!").

7. Know when not to respond. As long as your child isn't doing something dangerous and gets plenty of attention for good behavior, ignoring bad behavior can be an effective way of stopping it. Ignoring bad behavior can also teach children natural consequences of their actions. For example, if your child keeps dropping her cookies on purpose, she will soon have no more cookies left to eat. If she throws and breaks her toy, she will not be able to play with it. It will not be long before she learns not to drop her cookies and to play carefully with her toys.

8. Be prepared for trouble. Plan ahead for situations when your child might have trouble behaving. Prepare them for upcoming activities and how you want them to behave.

9. Redirect bad behavior. Sometimes children misbehave because they are bored or don't know any better. Find something else for your child to do.

10. Call a time-out. A time-out can be especially useful when a specific rule is broken. This discipline tool works best by warning children they will get a time out if they don't stop, reminding them what they did wrong in as few words―and with as little emotion―as possible, and removing them from the situation for a pre-set length of time (1 minute per year of age is a good rule of thumb). With children who are at least 3 years old, you can try letting their children lead their own time-out instead of setting a timer. You can just say, "Go to time out and come back when you feel ready and in control." This strategy, which can help the child learn and practice self-management skills, also works well for older children and teens.

Spanking and harsh words are harmful and don't work. Here's why:

The AAP policy statement, "Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children," highlights why it's important to focus on teaching good behavior rather than punishing bad behavior. Research shows that spanking, slapping and other forms of physical punishment don't work well to correct a child's behavior. The same holds true for yelling at or shaming a child. Beyond being ineffective, harsh physical and verbal punishments can also damage a child's long-term physical and mental health.

• Spanking's unhealthy cycle. The AAP advises that parents and caregivers should not spank or hit children. Instead of teaching responsibility and self-control, spanking often increases aggression and anger in children. A study of children born in 20 large U.S. cities found that families who used physical punishment got caught in a negative cycle: the more children were spanked, the more they later misbehaved, which prompted more spankings in response. Spanking's effects may also be felt beyond the parent-child relationship. Because it teaches that causing someone pain is OK if you're frustrated—even with those you love. Children who are spanked may be more likely to hit others when they don't get what they want.
• Lasting marks. Physical punishment increases the risk of injury, especially in children under 18 months of age, and may leave other measurable marks on the brain and body. Children who are spanked show higher levels of hormones tied to toxic stress. Physical punishment may also affect brain development. One study found that young adults who were spanked repeatedly had less gray matter, the part of the brain involved with self-control, and performed lower on IQ tests as young adults than the control group.
• Verbal abuse: How words hurt. Yelling at children and using words to cause emotional pain or shame also has been found to be ineffective and harmful. Harsh verbal discipline, even by parents who are otherwise warm and loving, can lead to more misbehavior and mental health problems in children. Research shows that harsh verbal discipline, which becomes more common as children get older, may lead to more behavior problems and symptoms of depression in teens.
  

Learn from mistakes—including your own

Remember that, as a parent, you can give yourself a time out if you feel out of control. Just make sure your child is in a safe place, and then give yourself a few minutes to take a few deep breaths, relax or call a friend. When you are feeling better, go back to your child, hug each other, and start over.

If you do not handle a situation well the first time, try not to worry about it. Think about what you could have done differently and try to do it the next time. If you feel you have made a real mistake in the heat of the moment, wait to cool down, apologize to your child, and explain how you will handle the situation in the future. Be sure to keep your promise. This gives your child a good model of how to recover from mistakes.

Healthy & effective discipline tips by age/stage

More information

• 15 Tips to Survive the Terrible 3's
• How to Shape and Manage Your Young Child's Behavior
• Disciplining Older Children
• How to Give a Time-Out
• Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children (AAP Policy Statement)

Last Updated

11/5/2018

Source

American Academy of Pediatrics (Copyright © 2018)

The information contained on this Web site should not be used as a substitute for the medical care and advice of your pediatrician. There may be variations in treatment that your pediatrician may recommend based on individual facts and circumstances.

Five Ways to Help Misbehaving Kids

“For a man to conquer himself is the first and noblest of all victories.” Thus wrote the philosopher Plato in the 4th century BC, thereby instilling the idea that character is built upon self-control.

This assumption about the importance of self-control has profoundly shaped how we think about behavior, including that of our children. If only they had willpower and good character, they would be able to behave well and resist temptation, right?

Wrong. Many years of research and experience as a psychologist have shown me how misleading this notion is, even as experiments like the famous “marshmallow test” seemed to confirm it. Rather than needing more self-control, our children need better self-regulation—a way to understand and manage their stress and energy—to succeed in life.

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What exactly is different about self-regulation? As I explain in my new book, Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life, self-regulation is about recognizing when we are over-stressed, identifying our sources of stress, reducing their intensity, finding places of calm, and learning ways to rest and recover. Understanding the distinction between self-regulation and self-control is essential to understanding how to help our children.

I’ve seen hundreds of children and their parents in my professional capacity and have never once seen a “bad” kid. Every single child, when met with understanding and patience, can be guided along a trajectory that leads to a rich and meaningful life. But stereotypes of the “difficult child” too often color our views, as do the dreams, frustrations, and anxieties we suffer as parents. When we impart negative judgments on children, we are just mistakenly shifting blame for our own emotions and insecurities onto our children’s “nature. ”

Instead, we need to understand the science of stress. New advances in neuroscience are unlocking the secrets of why we behave the way we do and, more to the point, why it is so hard at times to behave the way we want. The limbic system plays an important role here, as it is the source of our strong emotions and urges; it also plays a critical role in memory formation, as well as the emotional associations we have with our memories. This system contributes to how we respond to threats and worries, but it is largely out of our conscious control, including the control of children.

Children who are in a heightened state of emotional arousal can have very sensitive limbic systems, where their brains are primed to respond to threats even when none exist. For example, experiments have shown that children who are chronically over-aroused will label neutral faces as hostile.

This means that children who react with hostility or by shutting down are likely showing the outward signs of an inward experience of stress overload. If we don’t recognize the signs, figure out what is stressing them, and help them to cope—instead of using blame, threats, or punishments—we will continue to make matters worse for them, rather than better.

A parent’s reaction to a child’s stress is important to their later ability to self-regulate, starting in the first years of their life. Nature intends for human parents to play a close, nurturing role with their offspring and to take advantage of the “interbrain”—the shared intuitive channel of communication between a parent and child that is maintained by touch, shared gaze, voice, and, most of all, shared emotion. This is what helps a stressed child develop a way of self-soothing that will stay with them and allow them to cope with stressors in their lives.

Providing warm, nurturing care early in life can go a long way toward stress management. But that doesn’t mean that parents are solely responsible for their child’s ability to adapt. Even kids who have enjoyed warm, nurturing parenting can have trouble with self-regulation. That’s why it’s important to understand how it works and how we parents can help.

Here are the steps I outline in my book that can help parents deal with problematic behavior or anxiety in their children more effectively:

1. Recognize when your children are over-stressed

A lot of your work as a parent involves learning how to understand the meaning of behaviors that you would otherwise find troubling or irritating. If you learn to read the signs and recognize them for what they are—a signal of a system on overload—you will be able to resist assigning blame or labels to your children. Reframing your children’s behavior as a reaction to stress rather than willful misbehavior, and learning to listen to your children and to observe them with curiosity, is the first and perhaps most important step in self-regulation.

2. Identify the stressors in your children’s lives

This essay is adapted from Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life (Penguin Press, 2016, 320 pages)

Stress in children often involves disappointments in their relationships, schoolwork, and other purposeful activities, or having too much to do in too little time. But stress can also be hidden and have biological sources. For example, some children are highly distressed by too much noise, light, or odor, and this can cause ongoing problems in their lives that may be hidden from you. They may also find boredom, waiting, or sitting still extremely stressful. Stressors can come from many sources—biological, emotional, cognitive, and social domains—so it’s important to consider all of these.

Though our environment may be highly stressful to our children, we often overlook information that could alert us to this fact. We—or they—may carry on as if it doesn’t matter. That doesn’t mean that their unconscious mind isn’t registering the stress and responding with stress, though, which can in turn create a fight, flight, or freeze response.

Parents can look for patterns of behavior—such as children always breaking down around 5:30 pm—to help figure out what their children’s stressors are—perhaps they are hungry at that hour. Or, if it’s less obvious, try reviewing in your head the different domains of their lives and what might be causing stress. Whatever you do, don’t become a further drain on them by reacting in anger or judgment. Instead, try to listen and calmly affirm what seems to be going on for your children.

3. Reduce those stressors

It’s amazing how simply reducing sources of stress can change a child’s behavior quickly. I once saw a child who was sensitive to noise, light, and textures labeled as a “problem child” by his teacher, only to have that opinion completely reversed when she realized that dimming the classroom lights changed his demeanor drastically. Sadly, the child had had to endure her judgment, communicated through raised voices and hardened facial expressions, for some time prior. In fact, she’d also labeled his father and grandfather as difficult.

The same thing can happen to parents who don’t pay attention to what stresses their children and bring it into their conscious awareness. Once sources of stress have been identified, it’s much easier to either help our kids avoid them or to mitigate them, as best we can—perhaps by moving our dinner hour earlier or dimming the lights or giving them a hug after they’ve failed a test.

Sometimes, reducing our children’s stress involves understanding what stresses us out and how it impacts our behavior. Learning how to soothe our own stress can help us self-regulate our emotions and lead to less reactivity toward our kids when they are suffering, as well as provide important role modeling for them.

4. Help your children find calming strategies that work for them

• More on Stress & Children

  Explore three ways to help kids deal with stress.

  Discover some stress management techniques for kids.

  Learn how “emotion coaching” is one of the most important parenting practices.

  Help your kids try the Mindful Breathing practice.

We all need strategies for reducing tension and replenishing our energy. No one size fits all, so it’s important to read the signs in your children, recognize their unique sources of stress, and make sure their self-regulation strategies fit their needs.

Mindfulness has been touted as a way to instill calm energy and to make our children more aware. But sometimes our children can get so used to feeling excessive stress that a state of hyper-alertness becomes “normal,” so much so that sitting still and focusing on their breathing—a typical mindfulness exercise—can be a thousand times more distressing than being manic.

Helping your children to slowly develop an awareness of their inner states and to find relaxation techniques that help them calm down can be incredibly empowering. Teaching your children mindful breathing—if done slowly and with supports in place—can be one technique to help them increase awareness of their need for calm.

But it’s important that calming techniques are experienced by your children as enjoyable, too, and don’t add to their stress inadvertently. There are many relaxation exercises that produce calm, such as practicing yoga, taking a walk, or working on art projects, for example. Encourage your children to experiment with what helps them most and support them in finding relief.

5. Take a long-term perspective

When you help your children find self-regulation strategies, be careful to consider the distinction between “quiet” and “calm.” For example, a child may be quiet when playing video games, but no one would mistake that for calm, and you shouldn’t either. Their brains are producing stress hormones galore when they are engaged and quiet playing video games. The point of finding strategies is not to make your life easier in the short run (by having your kids remain quiet), but to make their life easier and more productive in the long run (by helping them handle stress in a calming manner).

Of course, following my advice doesn’t mean that your children will never misbehave, or that all of their problematic behaviors are a response to stress. But, so much of the time, misbehavior is a cry for help—a cry that we, as parents and adults, need to answer with compassion and understanding, not punishment.

Following the steps of self-regulation does not guarantee your child will suddenly stop irritating or frustrating you, but it may help prevent some unnecessary suffering. Our research has shown that following these steps is a powerful way for children to change their behavior. When your children see that you truly understand them and that you are committed to doing what you can to help, it will go a long way toward improving your relationship with them, as well as their ability to cope with life’s challenges.

And that will reduce everyone’s stress

How to Cope with a Naughty Child - Child Development

Parents find it difficult to get along with naughty children: even the simplest daily activities such as bathing or eating become a challenge. Often parents themselves unconsciously provoke disobedience of children, succumbing to their tantrums.

The best way to deal with a naughty child is to show him that his tricks don't work. At the same time, note the moments when the child behaves well.

Character traits of naughty children

Not every child who behaves the way he wants can be called naughty. Before taking any action, you should understand whether the child is really naughty or whether he defends his position.

Children with great will power can be extremely intelligent and creative. They ask a lot of questions, which is often perceived by parents as a rebellion. They have their own opinion on various occasions and tend to act.

Naughty children, in turn, are distinguished by the following characteristics:

• they have a strong need to be heard and recognized. Therefore, they often try to attract attention to themselves.
• They can fiercely defend their independence.
• They are devoted to what they love.
• All children can have tantrums, but naughty children more often than usual.
• They have leadership qualities - they often like to command.
• They prefer to do things at their own pace.

It is not easy for parents to cope with children who have great willpower, but not everything is so hopeless. Research has shown that children who tend to break the rules and question accepted norms often achieve greater academic and professional success. They do not succumb to the bad example of their peers.

The psychology of disobedience: how to understand a child with developed willpower

If you yourself are determined by nature, most likely you would like to see this trait in your child. But the whole trick is that it is difficult to distinguish decisiveness from disobedience. So what's the difference?

• dictionaries define determination as "persistence in achieving a goal";
• disobedience is the determination to act in a certain way. In other words, the child refuses to change his point of view, behavior or actions, despite being forced to do so;
• Disobedience in a child may be hereditary or acquired. Perhaps you, unwittingly, provoke the child to disobedience;
• Be that as it may, you can change a child's behavior for the better.

Dealing with a naughty baby

Your baby may refuse to go to bed, throw a spoon on the floor when you try to feed him, or stubbornly wear the same clothes every day and stomp his foot every time you set to feed him. him any rule. Here are 10 tips to help you deal with this behavior.

1. Listen and don't argue

Communication is a two-way process. If you want your stubborn child to listen to you, listen to him first. Children with strong wills tend to have strong beliefs and a tendency to argue. They become uncontrollable if they feel they are not being heard. When a child insists on doing something or not doing something, listen to him and talk openly with him about what is bothering him. This can help. To talk openly with your child, approach him from the side, and not face to face, speak quietly and calmly.

2. Stay in touch with the child, do not force him to obey

When you force a child to do something, he is likely to rebel and do everything possible not to follow your instructions. This behavior is best termed "resistance" and is common in rebellious children. Resistance arises instinctively and is not unique to children. To avoid this, keep in touch with your child.

For example, if a child insists on wanting to watch TV instead of going to bed, it is useless to force him. When you show that you care, the child is more likely to insist on his own. Children who stay in touch with their parents want to cooperate. Bonding closely with a naughty child will help you deal with his behavior. You can take the first step towards this today - just hug your child!

3. Give your child a choice

Children have opinions and don't like being told what to do. If you tell your 4 year old that he needs to go to bed at 9 o'clock, he will most likely refuse to do so. If you choose and buy a toy for your child in the store, he probably won't want it. Give your child choices instead of directions. Don't force your child to go to bed, instead invite him to choose which story to read to him before bed.

The child may continue to insist on his own and say: "I'm not going to bed!". In this case, remain calm and say: "No, you did not choose." Repeat this as many times as needed and as calmly as possible. When it looks like a broken record, the child is likely to give in.

However, too many choices are also not good. For example, if you offer a child to get clothes from the closet in which he wants to go for a walk, he will be confused. Instead, it is better to invite the child to choose one of 2-3 options.

4. Keep calm

If you yell at a naughty child, then normal communication will turn into a competition, who will outshout whom. The child may take your raising your voice as a call to verbal combat, and this will only make the situation worse. Take the initiative in the conversation in your own hands and let the child understand that he needs to behave within the bounds of decency.

Stay calm in every possible way - meditate, do breathing exercises or listen to soothing music. Turn it on at home so your child can hear it too. Also turn on music that your child likes. This will help calm him down and make him feel at ease.

5. Respect your child

If you want your child to respect you and your opinion, you should respect him too. If you force a child to act in a certain way, you will lose your authority in his eyes. There are several ways to show respect for a child:

• Discuss decisions with the child rather than insisting that they follow directions;
• to set reasonable rules for all children and not to interpret them every time in the way that suits you best;
• empathize with the child, never be dismissive of his feelings and ideas;
• to allow the child to do what is in his power, to avoid the temptation to do something for him. This will also make it clear to the child that you trust him;
• explain to your child the meaning of your words and keep your promises.

Show your child an example of good behavior, because the child is constantly watching you. This is the golden rule that parents must strictly follow.

6. Befriend your child

Rebellious or strong-willed children are extremely sensitive to how you treat them. So always be aware of your tone of voice, gestures, and what you say to your child. When a child is uncomfortable with you, he will do everything to protect himself: he will rebel, argue or show aggression.

• If you change your attitude towards your child, he will react differently to your words. You should not tell the child what he should do, it is better to be equal with him.
• Use phrases like: "Let's try...", "How about...?" instead of "I want you to...".
• Use fun activities to motivate your child to do something. For example, if you want him to clean up his toys, start doing it yourself, and appoint the child as your “chief assistant”.
• You can also have a timed competition with your child to see who can put the toys away the fastest. This trick might also work.

Remember that the main goal of all these activities is to become a friend to your child.

7. Negotiate with your child

Sometimes it is important to negotiate with your child. Often children act cocky when they can't get what they want. If you want your child to obey you, you need to find out the reasons for his behavior.

• Ask your child a few questions: “What is bothering you?”, “What happened?”, “Do you want something?” to tell him about it. The child will understand that you are respectful of his needs and consider them.
• Negotiating with a child does not mean fulfilling all his whims. Just be attentive to the child and reasonable.
• For example, if the child does not want to go to bed at the set time, do not insist on your own, it is better to agree with him on an option that will suit both of you.

8. Create the right environment at home

Children learn by watching or doing things with their hands. When a child sees that his parents are constantly arguing, he learns to do the same.

Disagreements between parents create a stressful environment in the home, which greatly affects the mood and behavior of the child. According to psychologists, this can cause a child to be socially withdrawn and even aggressive.

9. Understand the child's point of view

To better understand the behavior of your naughty child, try to look at the situation from his point of view.

Put yourself in the place of a child and think about why he behaves this way. The better you know your child, the easier it will be for you to deal with his behavior.

For example, if a child refuses to do homework, it may be because the task seems overwhelming. If he finds it difficult to concentrate or there is too much work, you can break the work into small parts that should be completed in a short time. Take small breaks between tasks - and studying will cause less stress for the child.

10. Encourage your child's positive behavior

Sometimes you won't know how to deal with your child's aggressive behavior. But by acting thoughtlessly, you can further provoke the child's negative behavior.

For example, if a child constantly answers “No!” to everything you say to him, think about whether you yourself pronounce this word too often. If so, you yourself are setting a bad example for your child.

To change this behavior of a child, psychologists advise to play the game "Yes or no" with him. According to the rules of the game, the child must answer only “yes” or “no” to all questions. Ask questions like: “Do you like ice cream?”, “Do you like to play?”, “Would you like to see a living dinosaur?”. The more often the child responds positively, the more he feels that he is heard and understood.

The most common problems with naughty children

1. How to teach a naughty child to use the toilet

This in itself is a difficult task, but if the child is naughty, such a task becomes a real problem. To teach a three-year-old child to use the toilet, parents should:

• talk about it with the child;
• explain to the child what needs to be done;
• don't take it too seriously - especially if the child refuses to use the toilet.

Remember that toilet training for a naughty child will take longer than usual. Parents need to be patient and help the child achieve the goal, and not push him.

2. How to teach your child to eat right

Sometimes children are very capricious when it comes to food. You can not always allow the child to eat only what he likes. The best way to teach your child about proper nutrition is to make eating fun. Here are some tips:

• get creative with your dishes;
• let the child take part in the preparation of meals, table setting, etc.;
• convince the child to try at least a piece if he does not want to eat; Prepare small portions of different foods for the child and let him choose what he likes;
• as a reward for the fact that the child ate everything, offer him something tasty.

3. How to punish a naughty child?

Children need rules and discipline. The child must know that any of his actions, both good and bad, lead to their consequences. Make sure your child knows the consequences if they break the rules.

Punishment must come immediately so that the child can understand why he is being punished. As a punishment, you can reduce his time for games and watching TV, or instruct him to perform minor household chores. Get creative by coming up with a punishment that will help discipline your child.

Remember: the task of parents is not to punish the child, but to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable.

psychologist's advice on how to deal with the "little monster" - karpachoff.com

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