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How to get out of an abusive relationship with a child


How Do You Leave an Abusive Partner When You Have Kids?

Planning and preparation are key to making a new start

The day-to-day challenges of being a Solo Mom are small compared to actually formulating a plan for how to escape an unhealthy relationship. As with most challenges, the best way to plan an escape is to break down the process into manageable pieces. The steps outlined below assume that you are in an unhealthy relationship, one in which leaving is in the best interests of you and your children.

1. Assess your relationship. Spend some time assessing the current status of your relationship, the length of time you’ve been in it, and the age of your children. Keep a notebook that details all these facts, including what is and isn’t working in your relationship. If you can, run it by a professional counselor. Speak to your friends and family about it as objectively as possible. If you’ve been hiding your failing relationship from those who care about you, now is the time to reveal its imperfections. You cannot solve this alone. This step is merely a litmus test to ensure everyone who loves you and cares about you understands why you’re making the decision to take your children and leave.

For me, an extensive Google search and discussions with professionals helped me realize my spouse had a narcissistic personality and was emotionally abusive. Since I’d never encountered someone like that before, my notes about our history and list of abuses were instrumental in helping me understand and explain to others why I was making the decision to leave him. Because you are leaving the father of your children, who will probably always be in their lives even after you leave, I can’t emphasize enough how critical this first step is before proceeding further.

2. Catalog your assets. This is going to sound coldhearted, but the reality of being a Solo Mom means that you likely will have to do more with less. In your notebook, write down all the assets you will be able to take with you when you move. These include everything from financial assets to furniture. Remember that whatever you can’t take with you, you will have to replace. My first home was stocked with furniture and dishes from garage sales and thrift stores. Next to that list, create a list of all the basics you will need to make a fresh start.

3. Determine where you will live. Once you understand which assets you can take with you, the next step is figuring out where you will live. Obviously, if you work out of the home, a job will be the determining factor; however, if you work from home or are able to not work, then you may consider things such as who will be nearby to offer support. If you are very lucky, you may have friends and family who are willing to assist you with child care and offer valuable emotional support. Other factors to consider are housing and the cost of living. I chose to live in a small town in Montana, for example, because the cost of housing was so low.

4. Create a financial spreadsheet. Don’t delude yourself about the life you will be facing. Although intimidating, there is nothing like cold, hard numbers to give you a realistic picture of the road ahead. List all your expenses—everything from the rent or house payment to food, insurance, gas, utilities, clothing, and diapers. Make sure you’ve included any furniture, etc., you will have to replace once you move. Then write down what you will be bringing in for income, hopefully child support, and any other financial resources. Start your financial planning by reading this article by Monica Leftwich in the Washington Post. My parents gave me $100 grocery gift cards each month for the first year and that really helped.

5. Carefully orchestrate your exit strategy. Once you have all the critical questions addressed and a plan in place, you must determine when and how you will escape. This can be much more challenging than it sounds if you have an abusive spouse. If you think you will be in danger, it is critical that you have family, friends, and even authorities on hand the day you plan to leave. Your safety and potentially that of your children may depend on it. This means you must consider how best to let your spouse know you’ve made the decision to leave, and that will depend on the nature of your relationship. The bottom line: plan this very carefully and with your safety in mind. Next, ensure your children are ready to leave and you’ve answered their questions as best you can. My children were one and two years old, so I simply told them we were going on the ferry and taking a trip together. Because of their ages, the rest had to come slowly over time, as things progressed.

6. Be prepared for last-minute changes of heart. Lastly, be prepared for your partner or spouse to suddenly claim he or she can change his or her ways, despite the fact that you’ve spent years with the same behavior and he or she has made no significant effort. More important, be ready for your own change of heart. This is scary, and it’s a lot to take on. Only you will know if doing this is really what is best for you and your children. Ask yourself, Will my children ever know the real me? and Is this the relationship model I want for my children? If you are being mentally and/or physically abused, then the answer to those questions is no. But when we are at our weakest and beaten down emotionally and physically, the courage to move forward and break away can be difficult to summon. To bolster you when you are feeling uncertain, read this blog post in Psychology Today, which discusses five ways to end a bad relationship.

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I will tell you, in closing, to take heart. The best is yet to come. I was a single mom for 10 years, and I have an unbreakable bond with my two children. One of the untold strengths of single-parent families is the unique bond forged from the challenges of facing the world alone. My children know me—the real me—not the depressed, dejected, downtrodden woman who had been robbed of her strength and spirit while with their father. They know, instead, a strong, capable, bright woman who has dedicated her life to their upbringing. That is the gift of being a Solo Mom. Much love to you, Sisters. Go forth with love and courage in your heart—you’ve got this!

If you are planning to exit an abusive relationship, join a Tribe of Sisters that’s been in your shoes and truly understands.

A fourth-generation Montanan, Andre Zollars is a former U.S. army major who has also held management positions in marketing with MCI and the Sacramento Bee. She now resides in Lewistown, Montana, with her husband, four kids, three dogs, a cat, and a horse. Andre has published in print and online publications, including USA Today Travel, Yahoo! News, Livestrong.com, Big Sky Journal, and more. You can connect with her on Twitter and LinkedIn.

Please feel free to contact us with any comments or questions.

Child Custody And Leaving An Abusive Relationship

A victim of domestic violence wishing to break free of the abusive relationship faces hurdles those in other break-ups don’t have. If there are children of the relationship, the stakes are even higher. A domestic violence victim should have a safety plan in place before leaving the abuser, because that is the point when the victim is in the greatest danger, and the safety plan needs to include considerations about the children.

Preparing to leave a violent relationship

The life of a domestic violence victim is one of fear and angst, for the victim and for the parties’ children. Domestic violence is often about control of the victim. An open attempt by the victim to leave the relationship would undermine that control, potentially prompting a violent encounter. To avoid such a conflict, and to prepare for a potential custody fight, the victim who has decided to leave a violent relationship should privately make preparations and have certain things prepared before actually leaving.

Before leaving the relationship, a domestic violence victim should keep detailed records of the abuse, including the date and nature of each incident, where it occurred, the type of injuries suffered, and the medical treatment obtained. Regarding the children, record all time spent with them and the care provided them by both the victim and the abuser. If the parties later disagree about custody, the court can consider the information from these records.

The victim should also set aside money and pack some provisions, such as clothes and toiletries, for themselves and for the children. Store these items away from the residence shared with the abuser and somewhere the abuser would not think to look. Also, arrange for a place to stay that the abuser would not think to look, such as with a co-worker the abuser does not know or in a shelter. If possible, consult an attorney or a program that serves domestic violence victims on how to apply for a protective order immediately upon leaving the relationship.

Related Reading: The Effects of Physical Abuse

Leaving the abusive relationship

When finally taking the step to leave the relationship, the victim should take the children along or make sure they are in a safe place where the abuser would not find them. The victim should immediately apply for a protective order and ask the court for custody. The records of abuse will be helpful in establishing the court that the protective order is necessary and that custody should be with the victim at that point. Because such a protective order is usually temporary, the victim should be prepared to have a later hearing at which the abuser will be present. The precise steps and time involved are determined by state law.

Be aware that the existence of a protective order does not necessarily mean the abuser will not be given visitation, but the victim may ask the court to order that the visitation be supervised. Having a plan for supervised visitation, such as suggesting a supervisor and a neutral location where visitation could take place, could be helpful.

Related Reading: Best Ways to Protect Yourself From an Abusive Partner

Moving forward

After relocating with the children, continue to seek legal help in severing the relationship by filing for divorce, legal separation, or other legal means. In such proceedings, the court will again consider the appropriate custody and visitation orders for the children. It is not unheard of for an abuser to get custody of the children, so being prepared and having appropriate legal representation is important. Courts consider several factors in making a custody award where there was domestic violence in the relationship:

  • How frequent and severe the domestic violence was, which may also be an indicator of the abuser’s future behavior;
  • Whether the children or the other parent is still at risk of suffering further abuse by the abuser;
  • Whether criminal charges have been filed against the abuser;
  • The nature and extent of any evidence of domestic violence, such as written accounts or photographs;
  • Police reports documenting the domestic violence;
  • Whether any of the domestic violence was perpetrated in front of or against the children or had an effect on the children.

Domestic violence can also impact the abuser’s visitation with the children. Courts can require an abuser to participate in parenting, anger management, or domestic violence classes in an attempt to stem further incidents of abuse. More restrictive consequences are also possible. For example, a court may issue a restraining order or order of protection, which may or may not permit continued access by the abuser to the children. In even more extreme cases, the court may revise a visitation order by limiting access to the children, requiring all visitation to be supervised or even revoking the abuser’s visitation rights in the short- or long-term.

In addition to seeking protection through orders regarding custody and parenting time, counseling may also be warranted for the victim and for the children. The psychological injuries from domestic violence affect both the actual victim and the children who witnessed the abuse. Counseling for the victim can help the victim and children move forward and heal and can help the victim prepare to be the best witness possible in court.

If you have been a victim of domestic violence and would to remove yourself and your children from the abusive relationship, contact one of your local or national resources on domestic violence to find service providers and shelters near you. It is also wise to consult with an attorney who is licensed in your state who can provide legal advice tailored to your circumstances.

Krista Duncan Black
This article is written by Krista Duncan Black. Krista is a principal of TwoDogBlog. An experienced lawyer, writer, and business owner, she loves helping people and companies connect with others. You can find Krista online at TwoDogBlog.biz and LinkedIn..

References

https://topdoglegalmarketing.com/https://www.linkedin.com/in/kristaduncanblack

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How to get out of an abusive relationship - Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection

The topic of psychological and physical violence in relationships is one of the most popular in recent years. What happens to a person when he turns from a romantic in love into a ruthless critic? Why are reproaches and cruelty replacing tender dates? Daria Plugovaya and Viktoria Malinina, specialists from the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service and the Family Center, tell us how to distinguish between abusive relationships and why they arise.

An abusive relationship can be defined as a pattern of behavior in which one partner commits violence (psychological, physical, financial or economic) against the other. The most common is psychological abuse, it is expressed in manipulation, humiliation, threats and insults.

27-year-old Evgenia applied to the family center. During the first consultation with a psychologist, the girl said that she loved her husband, but sometimes she felt depressed, tense and afraid of him. In the course of working with a psychologist, it turned out that Evgenia is in an abusive relationship.

The girl shared, for example, such an incident from her life. The husband insisted that they go together to his parents. Evgenia refused due to being very busy at work. The man began to scream, threw a plate at her with the words: “I warmed you up, provide for you, work from morning to night, no gratitude in return. You are worthless! Why only contacted you?” After the young man apologized, complained that he got excited. In the future, he promised to control himself, as a sign of reconciliation he presented a ticket to the sea, then they set off on a journey together. The girl tried to forget about the incident. After some time, the psychological violence was repeated again. And soon it completely became a habit.

After six months of regular psychological counseling, Evgenia managed to strengthen her personal boundaries, restore her self-esteem and form an acceptable model of interaction in a couple. The girl decided to get out of an unhealthy relationship.

Unhealthy "love"

An abusive pattern of behavior arises under the influence of psychological, social and genetic factors. From the point of view of genetics, this form of behavior can be inherent in a person at birth. At the same time, it is extremely important to take into account family relations, how parents interact, how the social environment influences.

If a child lives in a family where the father shows physical or psychological violence towards his wife and children, this leaves an imprint on the behavior of the child, and then the adult person in the future. Also among the reasons is the desire of the partner to assert himself at the expense of the victim, thus increasing his self-esteem. In addition, physical or sexual abuse in personal experience or the presence of a mental personality disorder may affect.

Signs of psychological abuse

  • Striving for power and total control. The main goal of the aggressor in this situation is to deprive you of any support and resource environment, to completely control you and your time.
  • Double standards. The so-called one-sided game, which involves the continuous growth of duties and responsibilities for one side and their complete absence for the other. Any of your efforts and efforts are depreciated, and needs are ignored.
  • Financial dependence. It is unprofitable for a manipulator to build relationships with a self-sufficient and successful person. Over time, the lack of your own interests, hobbies, earnings reduce your self-esteem and status in relationships.
  • Constant complaints and dissatisfaction. In any situation, the manipulator is inclined to remove himself as much as possible from responsibility and beg for support, skillfully creating the image of a victim of circumstances.
  • Chronic fatigue. The tyrant slowly and steadily lowers self-esteem, builds a lot of manipulations, leading to endless showdowns, excuses and an imaginary feeling of guilt. As a result, this relationship model leads to a state of apathy, fatigue, and sometimes health problems.

Behavioral cycle of violence and ways to destroy it

  • "Increasing tension" : the phase is characterized by a breakdown in communication with a partner, fear grows in the victim, and the level of irritability in the aggressor. The first attempts are being made to calm the abuser, the manifestation of violence is still minimal.
  • Violent Incident is the next step. There is physical, emotional, psychological abuse, as well as anger and manipulation.
  • "Reconciliation" - this phase is characterized by an apology from the abuser, denial of the incident, promises that the violence will not happen again.
  • "Honeymoon" - the final stage. At this level, the incident is "forgotten", the victim believes the abuser, there is no violence.

Abusive Relationship Victim Questionnaire

Recognizing that you are in an abusive relationship is the first step to getting out of it. A psychologist can help with this, but it is important to pay attention on your own to how you feel when communicating with a partner. You can figure out if you are in an abusive relationship with the help of a small questionnaire. Answer questions honestly and sincerely.

  • Are you exposed to open criticism and dissatisfaction from your partner (criticism of appearance, behavior)?
  • Does your partner show jealousy?
  • Does your partner forbid you to communicate with friends, parents, colleagues?
  • Is your partner threatening you?
  • Does your partner behave the same way alone with you and in public?
  • Do you change your behavior or keep silent about something out of fear of your partner?
  • Are you afraid to make decisions without his knowledge?
  • Do you feel worthless because of your partner's words or actions?
  • Is your partner hard to please?
  • Does your partner ignore your emotions, feelings, experiences?

If you answered yes to most of the questions, you are probably in an abusive relationship and are a victim. In this case, you need help. If there is a risk of physical violence, you need to contact law enforcement agencies. If you are subjected to psychological abuse, contact psychologists. There are hotlines for emergency assistance.

In addition, you can get a free consultation from a specialist of the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service. You can also call the 24-hour psychological emergency number 051 (for city), +7 (495) 051 (for mobile), or contact the psychological support chat. All details are on the website https://msph.ru/.

28 city organizations work to support Moscow families: 25 My Family Centers, as well as the Crisis Center for Women and Children, the Vozrozhdeniye and Altufyevo social rehabilitation centers for minors.

The specialists of the centers work to restore relations between children and parents, provide legal and psychological assistance, conduct trainings, developmental classes, and much more. If necessary, targeted assistance is provided: social electronic certificates are issued for products, clothing and household appliances.

Also, on the basis of the capital's family centers, mediation services have been created that are ready to receive citizens on such contentious issues as child-parent relationships, interpersonal, family and marital conflict situations, problems associated with divorce proceedings.

Detailed information about the services can be found on the page of the My Family Center portal. For the convenience of Muscovites, the "Online Consultations" section has been created on the portal, where each resident of the city can leave a request and they will be contacted within one business day.

Press Service of the Moscow Department of Labor and Social Protection

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Photo: Press Service of the Department of Labor and Social Protection of the Population of the City of Moscow its victim. It can be anyone: a close relative, a colleague at work, a friend. As a rule, a rapist is well versed in people and knows how to influence them, suppress them. Getting into a toxic relationship is easy, but getting out can be extremely difficult. How to understand that you have become a victim of an abuser, says Nina Timoshchenko, a psychologist at the Moscow Psychological Assistance Service.

Acquaintance that ruined life

Elena is a flourishing, smart, successful woman with a sparkling sense of humor and an enviable love of life. She has been happily married for several years now. But the case changed everything. It started like in a fairy tale: huge bouquets, romantic nights, joint trips, expensive gifts. Alexey did not skimp on compliments or on beautiful deeds.

After a while, the chosen one began to present other gifts. He was late at work, could not come to spend the night, the former attention was getting less and less, he reacted rudely to attempts to understand the situation. He began to drink, to use physical force. Lena packed her things every time, but did not dare to leave. The scandal was followed by reconciliation, promises to improve, and then everything in a circle.

It only got worse every month. Everything focused on the woman: domestic problems, the child, work. Alexei went further and further, no longer concealed the presence of other women, drank and used physical and moral punishment: he could disappear for a week, and then return as if nothing had happened.

“I left him seven or eight times. I lost 15 kilos and stopped sleeping. Thoughts of suicide began to torment. Once I realized that I simply would not survive if I did not leave. And she ran away! I took the child, train tickets, threw away the SIM card, retired from social networks. So a new life began,” she tells the psychologist.

The woman went through a long and painful period of rehabilitation. At first she exhaled from the consciousness of freedom. However, after a few months, it began to “break”, wonderful moments that they had came to mind. I wanted to return, but each time other memories stopped me.

A few years later Elena remarried and had a child. Until now, she shudders from the dual feeling of longing for this man and horror in front of him. This is how people who have gone through a relationship with an abuser feel.

What is the relationship with an abuser

Psychologists distinguish several types of abuse:

Physical - beating, hitting, slapping, any use of force to impose one's will.

Sexual - violence, inducement to certain actions of a sexual nature, refusal of sexual intimacy, sexual blackmail.

Economic - the seizure of a material resource by an aggressor, a ban on employment, limiting the victim in money up to the complete deprivation of livelihood.

Psychological - a form of violence against the psyche: it can be criticism, verbal aggression (blackmail, threats, abuse), ignoring, manipulation, neglect.

“There are also combinations of several types of pressure: for example, psychological and economic, sexual and physical. It is impossible to say which of them is more destructive: any violence negatively affects the health and psyche of a person. Sometimes psychological violence can hurt much more than physical violence, although it goes unnoticed by the victim for a long time, ”explains the psychologist.

Who is the victim?

According to psychologists, almost anyone, even a very psychologically savvy person, can become a victim of destructive relationships. Breaking a strong personality, subordinating it to your will - often this is what attracts abusers.

There is something that unites the victims - developed empathy. As a rule, these are sensitive, kind people who know how to take the place of another, try to understand the motives of the partner’s behavior, to help him. These are the strings that the abuser most often pulls, clings to guilt and presses on pity.

Get hooked

“Most rapists are usually quite successful, make good money, and know how to impress. At the beginning of a relationship, they beautifully look after, draw a fabulous future, skillfully say compliments, praising their partner, thereby hooking the victim. After the abuser is convinced of his influence, he begins to “release his claws” and observe the partner’s reaction, gradually shifting the boundaries of the relationship more and more, ”says the psychologist.

How do you know if you are in a toxic relationship?

- Afraid to express thoughts, feelings, desires. You have a fear that they will not understand, be offended, hit, ignored. There is no sense of acceptance and freedom of expression. In constructive relationships, partners agree, in toxic relationships, one regularly pulls the blanket over himself.

- The partner has uncontrollable unreasonable outbursts of anger, mood changes, you are to blame - "it was you who provoked me."

- Emotional swing - alternation of positive and negative emotions. Today the partner arranges a romantic dinner by candlelight, tomorrow he does not get in touch, disappears for several days, makes a scandal, shows physical violence. You are in suspense, blaming yourself.

- You are always guilty, even if you are not. The abuser, in principle, often tends to blame other people for their problems.

- Groundless jealousy, interrogations, surveillance.

- It is very easy to offend and upset a partner, after which you have to literally beg for forgiveness. He punishes for an incorrectly spoken word or action physically, verbally or morally (ignores, disappears, etc.). Makes you feel guilty, walks away, and doesn't try to discuss the problem.

- Your partner neglects your needs, desires, feelings. In response to requests or remarks, bursts into outbursts of anger.

- Restricts in communication, controls or even prohibits communication with friends or relatives.

- Uncertainty in relationships. You do not exactly understand what the status of your relationship is, whether the partner has someone else on the side and what awaits your relationship in the future.

- You are beaten, forced to go against your will, limited in meeting your primary needs.

What will happen after

The consequences of an abusive relationship are quite severe: social isolation, professional degradation, depression, decreased self-confidence, loss of meaning in life, health problems. And this is not a complete list of problems that victims may experience.

“Long-term toxic relationships are chronic stress for the body. Changes in hormones caused by nervous tension and “emotional swings” cause diabetes, thyroid problems, skin problems, weight gain or loss,” the expert notes.

Away with fears and doubts - run!

Fears, doubts, complexes, feelings of guilt, excuses for the abuser's actions prevent you from getting out of a toxic relationship.

“Can the situation change? Unlikely. An abuser is a person with a traumatized psyche who takes pleasure in the moral or physical pain of his victim. There are a huge number of people in the world who are ready to enter into such relationships and unknowingly endure bullying.

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