How to find out if your child is being bullied
Warning Signs for Bullying | StopBullying.gov
There are many warning signs that may indicate that someone is affected by bullying—either being bullied or bullying others. Recognizing the warning signs is an important first step in taking action against bullying. Not all children who are bullied or are bullying others ask for help.
It is important to talk with children who show signs of being bullied or bullying others. These warning signs can also point to other issues or problems, such as depression or substance abuse. Talking to the child can help identify the root of the problem.
Signs a Child Is Being Bullied
Look for changes in the child. However, be aware that not all children who are bullied exhibit warning signs.
Some signs that may point to a bullying problem are:
- Unexplainable injuries
- Lost or destroyed clothing, books, electronics, or jewelry
- Frequent headaches or stomach aches, feeling sick or faking illness
- Changes in eating habits, like suddenly skipping meals or binge eating.
Kids may come home from school hungry because they did not eat lunch.
- Difficulty sleeping or frequent nightmares
- Declining grades, loss of interest in schoolwork, or not wanting to go to school
- Sudden loss of friends or avoidance of social situations
- Feelings of helplessness or decreased self esteem
- Self-destructive behaviors such as running away from home, harming themselves, or talking about suicide
If you know someone in serious distress or danger, don’t ignore the problem. Get help right away.
Signs a Child is Bullying Others
Kids may be bullying others if they:
- Get into physical or verbal fights
- Have friends who bully others
- Are increasingly aggressive
- Get sent to the principal’s office or to detention frequently
- Have unexplained extra money or new belongings
- Blame others for their problems
- Don’t accept responsibility for their actions
- Are competitive and worry about their reputation or popularity
Why don't kids ask for help?
Statistics from the 2018 Indicators of School Crime and Safety - PDF show that only 20% of school bullying incidents were reported.
Kids don’t tell adults for many reasons:
- Bullying can make a child feel helpless. Kids may want to handle it on their own to feel in control again. They may fear being seen as weak or a tattletale.
- Kids may fear backlash from the kid who bullied them.
- Bullying can be a humiliating experience. Kids may not want adults to know what is being said about them, whether true or false. They may also fear that adults will judge them or punish them for being weak.
- Kids who are bullied may already feel socially isolated. They may feel like no one cares or could understand.
- Kids may fear being rejected by their peers. Friends can help protect kids from bullying, and kids can fear losing this support.
Facts About Bullying | StopBullying.gov
This section pulls together fundamental information about bullying, including:
- Definition
- Research on Bullying
- Bullying Statistics
- Bullying and Suicide
- Anti-Bullying Laws
Definition of Bullying
In 2014, the Centers for Disease Control and Department of Education released the first federal definition of bullying.
The definition includes three core elements:
- unwanted aggressive behavior
- observed or perceived power imbalance
- repetition or high likelihood of repetition of bullying behaviors
This definition helps determine whether an incident is bullying or another type of aggressive behavior or both.
Research on Bullying
Bullying prevention is a growing research field that investigates the complexities and consequences of bullying. Important areas for more research include:
- Prevalence of bullying in schools
- Prevalence of cyberbullying in online spaces
- How bullying affects people
- Risk factors for people who are bullied, people who bully others, or both
- How to prevent bullying
- How media and media coverage affects bullying
What We’ve Learned about Bullying
- Bullying affects all youth, including those who are bullied, those who bully others, and those who witness bullying.
The effects of bullying may continue into adulthood. - There is not a single profile of a young person involved in bullying. Youth who bully can be either well connected socially or marginalized, and may be bullied by others as well. Similarly, those who are bullied sometimes bully others.
- Solutions to bullying are not simple. Bullying prevention approaches that show the most promise confront the problem from many angles. They involve the entire school community—students, families, administrators, teachers, and staff such as bus drivers, nurses, cafeteria and front office staff—in creating a culture of respect. Zero tolerance and expulsion are not effective approaches.
- Bystanders, or those who see bullying, can make a huge difference when they intervene on behalf of someone being bullied.
- Studies also have shown that adults can help prevent bullying by talking to children about bullying, encouraging them to do what they love, modeling kindness and respect, and seeking help.
Bullying Statistics
Here are federal statistics about bullying in the United States. Data sources include the Indicators of School Crime and Safety: 2019 (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) and the 2017 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention).
How Common Is Bullying
- About 20% of students ages 12-18 experienced bullying nationwide.
- Students ages 12–18 who reported being bullied said they thought those who bullied them:
- Had the ability to influence other students’ perception of them (56%).
- Had more social influence (50%).
- Were physically stronger or larger (40%).
- Had more money (31%).
Bullying in Schools
- Nationwide, 19% of students in grades 9–12 report being bullied on school property in the 12 months prior to the survey.
- The following percentages of students ages 12-18 had experienced bullying in various places at school:
- Hallway or stairwell (43.
4%) - Classroom (42.1%)
- Cafeteria (26.8%)
- Outside on school grounds (21.9%)
- Online or text (15.3%)
- Bathroom or locker room (12.1%)
- Somewhere else in the school building (2.1%)
- Hallway or stairwell (43.
- Approximately 46% of students ages 12-18 who were bullied during the school year notified an adult at school about the bullying.
Cyberbullying
- Among students ages 12-18 who reported being bullied at school during the school year, 15 % were bullied online or by text.
- An estimated 14.9% of high school students were electronically bullied in the 12 months prior to the survey.
Types of Bullying
- Students ages 12-18 experienced various types of bullying, including:
-
- Being the subject of rumors or lies (13.
4%) - Being made fun of, called names, or insulted (13.0%)
- Pushed, shoved, tripped, or spit on (5.3%)
- Leaving out/exclusion (5.2%)
- Threatened with harm (3.9%)
- Others tried to make them do things they did not want to do (1.9%)
- Property was destroyed on purpose (1.4%)
- Being the subject of rumors or lies (13.
State and Local Statistics
Follow these links for state and local figures on the following topics:
- Bullied on School Property, Grades 9-12
- Cyberbullied, Grades 9-12
International Statistics
According to the UNESCO Institute of Statistics:
- One third of the globe’s youth is bullied; this ranges from as low as 7% in Tajikistan to 74% in Samoa.
- Low socioeconomic status is a main factor in youth bullying within wealthy countries.
- Immigrant-born youth in wealthy countries are more likely to be bullied than locally-born youth.
Bullying and Suicide
The relationship between bullying and suicide is complex.
The media should avoid oversimplifying these issues and insinuating or directly stating that bullying can cause suicide. The facts tell a different story. It is not accurate and potentially dangerous to present bullying as the “cause” or “reason” for a suicide, or to suggest that suicide is a natural response to bullying.
- Research indicates that persistent bullying can lead to or worsen feelings of isolation, rejection, exclusion, and despair, as well as depression and anxiety, which can contribute to suicidal behavior.
- The vast majority of young people who are bullied do not become suicidal.
- Most young people who die by suicide have multiple risk factors.
- For more information on the relationship between bullying and suicide, read “The Relationship Between Bullying and Suicide: What We Know and What it Means for Schools” from the CDC.
Anti-Bullying Laws
All states have anti-bullying legislation. When bullying is also harassment and happens in the school context, schools have a legal obligation to respond to it according to federal laws.
13 signs that a child is being bullied at school
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How-to practices for parents
To help a child who has been bullied, it is important to notice the problem early. If you've noticed any of the signs of a possible trouble at school listed below, it's time to have a serious talk with him.
1. The child does not want to go to school. He may beg his parents to let him stay at home, exaggerate his symptoms, or play truant.
2. He stops talking to his friends. The child becomes alienated, asocial.
3. His mood changes dramatically. If depression or anxiety begins to torment him for no apparent reason, this may be a sign of trouble, in particular school bullying.
4. He complains about his health. The child suffers from headaches, abdominal pains, his general health has worsened. Stress affects the physical condition of the body in children and adults.
5. He has trouble sleeping. The child has difficulty falling asleep or getting up in the morning, wets the bed, or has nightmares. It may be difficult for him to disconnect from difficult thoughts and experiences. Fear and depression keep me awake.
6. He comes home hungry. This could mean that he is being robbed of money for school lunches.
7. He avoids going to the toilet at school. In the toilet, the child is at a dead end, and there are no adults nearby who could come to the rescue. There he is often overtaken by offenders.
8. His things are missing or broken. Look out for broken or missing toys, school supplies, mobile phones. Those who bully a child often take away or damage his things, thus venting their aggression and trying to suppress the will of the victim.
9. There are bruises and abrasions on the child's body. Even if he says that he just fell, beatings should not be ruled out.
10. Academic performance is falling. Bullying makes it difficult to concentrate on studies. He can skip classes to avoid meeting with offenders. And they can steal or tear his notebooks with homework.
11. He takes out his anger on his parents or siblings. If a child is mocked and bullied at school, he often begins to take out his aggression on his relatives.
12. His interests on the Internet are changing. Sometimes children may close the screen of their phone or computer when you are around because they are ashamed of what others write about them on the Web. Or the child may become obsessive about social media, trying to protect themselves from attacks or constantly checking to see if anything offensive has been written about them.
13. The child is in a hurry to go home. The child tries to return home after school as soon as possible, fearing that offenders will be waiting for him near the school.
Unfortunately, there have always been those who love to bully others. As a parent, you can't expect your child to be willing to speak frankly about what's going on. It is possible that he is tormented by shame and it seems to him that he himself is to blame for what is happening.
Reassure the child by promising that you will not react inappropriately to his story
By learning to notice warning signs, you will be able to promptly call him for a conversation. You can start with a simple question: “I don’t think you feel like going to school lately. Maybe something or someone there is bothering you?
You could share stories of being treated unfairly from your childhood: “When I was walking home from school, a guy would always run after me and throw rocks at me. Maybe something like that happened to you too? Perhaps you have experienced bullying as an adult, for example, from colleagues at work, and you are well aware of the feeling of helplessness that a child experiences.
Reassure him by promising that you will not react inappropriately to his story and get him into more trouble.
Most people understand the fears of a child — they say that mom or dad will now be furious, they will run to complain to school, and because of this I will look stupid and I will be offended even more. Many parents fear that their child will be bullied at school. We all want to protect our children, but in order to do this, we must be able to recognize the problem in time and find a way to gently and tactfully talk with the child about what is happening in his life.
About the author
Janice Harmon , family therapist. Her website.
Text: Nikolai Protsenko Photo Source: Getty Images
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The main signs that your child is being bullied at school
Almost every month information about criminal or administrative offenses against children appears in the Kazakhstani media. Both peers and adults, for example, educators, can offend. Family psychotherapist Irina Volkova told the editors of Liter.kz how to understand that a child has become a victim of psychological or physical abuse in a kindergarten or school.
According to the psychologist, parents who suspect something is wrong with their child should pay attention to:
- sleep;
- appetite;
- mood;
- daily behavior;
- interest in learning.
“For example, if a child used to love doing something, playing something, walking with someone, and now, for some reason, the child is not interested. Moreover, it is not interesting not because he has found new hobbies, but simply he sits, does nothing, thinks about something, reflects, is sad, maybe listens to very sad music or draws sad pictures. You need to pay attention to these symptoms. They say that something is happening to the child - from peer abuse to physical and psychological pressure from adults,” said Irina Volkova.
If a small child has become the object of violence, then most often such children are frightened by gestures, words, a nervous tic appears on the eye and stuttering.
Build a trusting relationship with your child or see a specialist
Any form of abuse leaves a mark on a child's behavior. Some children talk about what happened, others close in on themselves. In particular, the latter occurs in cases where the offender blackmails that if the victim tells his parents about the conflict, the situation will worsen.
It also happens that the victim is left alone with the problem due to distrust of the parents, because instead of support, he expects condemnation and quarrel from them.
You can find out the truth by building a trusting relationship with your child. To do this, you need to choose a time when no one will distract you. The conversation should be conducted in a calm tone, and the parent’s memories of his childhood, adventures and incidents can become a topic for communication.
“You can also ask about his friends, how are they feeling, if they are offended. That is, in such an indirect way, you can lead the child to revelations. There are children who, from the stern voice of a parent, can tell everything out of fear, but this can further aggravate the child's trauma. Therefore, it is better to create an atmosphere of safety for the child. Explain to him that adults are always on his side in any situation, show your love, say that you will always protect him and together you will cope with the problem that has arisen.
Without pressure and aggression,” explained the psychologist.
In a frank conversation, it is undesirable to ask direct questions: does someone offend, humiliate or mock you? Most often, these conversations do not end with success.
If the parent failed to get the child to talk, it is better to contact a psychologist who has experience working with such children. With conversations, tests and games, he will be able to bring the patient to a dialogue about his thoughts, feelings and fears.
There are times when a child invents negative incidents. However, an experienced psychologist or parent who is directly involved in raising children will be able to understand by non-verbal signs whether he is lying or telling the truth.
You can catch a child in a lie by asking again about what happened. If this is a fantasy, then new details appear in the story, but the truth remains unchanged. In addition, if the child talks about what actually happened, then the story is accompanied by emotions and feelings.
You need to act calmly
If it turns out that a child is being bullied in a kindergarten or school, parents need to behave calmly: do not shout or swear.
“If three-year-old children did not share a toy, then there is no need to raise a big scandal here. You can politely tell the educator and parents of the offender, without hitting them, let them know that you do not like it, so that such situations do not recur in the future. If the child is offended by the teacher, he has developed a negative reflection, a nervous tic, then here you need to definitely talk with lawyers, ”the psychologist said.
Tell your child about their rights and sexual integrity
In addition to the standard adaptation to kindergarten and school, it is important for children to be told about their rights. In particular, that the body of a child is inviolable to anyone.
“You need to tell the child that his body is inviolable, you can’t let strangers or even acquaintances touch you, enter into some kind of relationship, you need to be able to ask for help in time, not to succumb to some kind of manipulation.
