How to find out if you have a child
Finding Out You Have a Child You Never Knew About — Watershed DNA
Biological FamilyBiological FatherDNA Surprise
Written By Brianne Kirkpatrick
Do you call them biological fathers? Birth dads? Found fathers, discovered dads, sires, or “men who fathered a child they were not aware of”? I have heard many different terms used to describe the surprised men who learn later in life that when they were younger, they fathered a child who was entirely unknown to them.
Tony and Arnold are two people who found their way to my secret support groups for people who have experienced a shocking discovery. Tony found out about a potential child he did not know existed which was later confirmed with a DNA test. For Arnold, the DNA test came first and was the way the existence of a biological child was revealed.
We have read about the experience of NPEs, adoptees, half-siblings, and wives of biological fathers in past guest blog posts. Now we get a chance to hear the perspective of fathers. Tony and Arnold’s stories differ, but in some ways, their experiences are the same. They each answered independently, but their responses are combined in the post below.
-Brianne
HOW LONG AGO DID YOU GET YOUR SURPRISE DNA DISCOVERY? HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
Tony: It's been a little over three months since my biological son found me. I was located on social media by my son’s girlfriend. She began by asking me if I knew this other woman from many years ago. At first, I did not recall her name nor did I recognize her photo. As we exchanged messages back and forth and I received more information, it rang a bell. I remembered this woman as my former girlfriend who had left town and later broke off our relationship. After I acknowledged that I did know this woman, I was told that there was a strong possibility I have a son and a granddaughter that I never knew about.
She told me that she would give me time to process this information and if I agreed, she would tell my son and we could do a DNA test to find out if all this was actually true. That night, I had a long talk with my wife, and she was very supportive. The next day I replied that I wanted to move forward and find out the truth.
Arnold: I found out about my biological daughter eight months ago. My first DNA test found a couple of cousins but not children. After a second DNA test (looking for Native American ancestors I had been told about) through a different company, my newfound daughter contacted me via their messaging system to my email account on file to introduce herself to me.
DID YOU HAVE ANY IDEA YOU MIGHT HAVE A BIOLOGICAL CHILD “OUT THERE”? WAS IT ON YOUR RADAR?
Tony: I had absolutely no idea, not a clue. It was a total surprise.
It’s not such a joke anymore.— Arnold
Arnold: No, I did not know.
HOW HAS THIS AFFECTED YOUR FAMILY? HAVE YOU SHARED THE NEWS WITH EVERYONE?
Tony: Yes, I have shared with everyone at this point. For the most part, there have been no negative effects on the family. There was a little tension early on with my wife. I think mainly because it brought back some unpleasant memories from her childhood and she was projecting some of that onto this situation.
Arnold: My wife has been great and very supportive and she was with me when I met my new daughter which is why we have been married 41 years. I did tell my only full brother, and he didn’t believe it at first.
He saw pictures of my new daughter and said he didn’t think she’s mine nor does he believe it 8 months later. I told one of my half sisters, and she was surprised and happy to hear. We have not told our adult children yet (they are 38 and 35). I am still trying to see where things go with my new daughter and myself before I tell them.
I am still trying to see where things go with my new daughter and myself before I tell them.— Arnold
WHAT EMOTIONS DID YOU FEEL THE MOST AT THE BEGINNING OF THE DISCOVERY AND WHAT EMOTIONS PREDOMINATE FOR YOU NOW?
Tony: When I first heard the news, I was totally shocked. It felt like I had been run over by a truck. It consumed my thoughts for at least two months. I know other areas of my life were neglected, but I had no choice. It was too dramatic and life changing. As we waited for the DNA test results to confirm the father/son connection, there was a mixture of apprehension and excitement.
After we got the results, we started forming our relationship. This brought a great deal of joy, as I had no other children and had always thought I had missed out on that aspect of my life. I did experience some misplaced guilt as I began to learn about my son's hardships growing up and knowing I could have made a huge difference in his life.
I have some hard feelings and sadness over all that I missed out on.— Tony
At this point, I feel pretty good. I have some hard feelings and sadness over all that I missed out on. I know had we been in each other's life, both our lives would have been different, and I believe better. I feel bad that I don't have this great, lifelong bond like I had with my father and that my son and I are still basically strangers. As adults, it is much more difficult to form that parent-child bond. We both have so many responsibilities and time restraints. It also hurts that my son never was able to meet my parents; they both passed away in the past couple years.
Everyone tells me you just have to look to the future and move on from here, you can't go back in time. Of course, I realize that. But it doesn't change how I feel, and those type of comments really aren't all that helpful. I feel so much was stolen from my life that can never be recovered. Even though those feelings are there, I try my best not to dwell on them. I would say for the most part, I am happy, but my emotions seem to vary from one minute to the next.
Arnold: At first I was in total shock, then a second shock set in. I felt a lot of anger that I didn’t know about her. Around the time of her first contact, I was having some heart issues which were completely separate from the shock I was going through at the time. I ended up needing triple bypass heart surgery. One week before my surgery was scheduled, I ordered a 3rd DNA test kit (paternity testing) for her and I to take. The company shipped a kit to her and another one to me in a different state.
We both got them overnight and completed them and sent them back the next day (I was tracking them to know where they were).
The night before my bypass surgery, the results came back to my phone in the hospital, showing a 99.99999% chance that I was her father. Shock set in yet again. I texted her to let her know, and she had also got the same results. I also told her about my surgery for the next morning and assured her my wife would text her to let her know I was out and was doing well.
A FEW WEEKS AGO A POST BY GUEST BLOGGER “MOLLY” WENT UP, AND THERE WERE SOME READERS WHO THOUGHT IT WAS OFFENSIVE TO DADS/HUSBANDS IN DNA SURPRISE SITUATIONS. DID YOU READ IT? WHAT WERE YOUR THOUGHTS (THEN AND NOW)?
Tony: Yes, I read it. I did not take offense. I realize she is looking at it from her perspective only, and I know that it is a big deal for the spouse as well. I knew that when I first found out, the first thing I needed to do was tell my wife.
I think most of what Molly wrote is common sense. I think most men know all this and aren't as obtuse as she may think. Yes, it is a new and unique situation and there isn't a lot of help out there for the men. So, they have to take their time and figure things out, but I think most men are fully capable of all this.
So, they have to take their time and figure things out, but I think most men are fully capable of all this.— Tony
Arnold: Yes, I did read it. The first time it did not bother me, but the second and third times that I read it, I got the same OFFENSIVE feelings about her post. We unknown fathers did nothing wrong, and I feel like she was off base for sure.
Now I still feel that she made some good points, and I wish I had seen or read her blog (or I had known about Watershed and/or Bri before I did the first DNA test (and darn sure before I did the second one). I should have stopped after the first one with Ancestry.
I had to go and look for Native American in my family line with 23andMe. Wrong choice. Or was it…sure seemed that way.
I may never have known about her.
HOW ARE YOU NAVIGATING A NEW RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD? WOULD YOU DESCRIBE IT AS FAST OR SLOW-MOVING, COMFORTABLE OR UNCOMFORTABLE?
Tony: Things are going well. I guess most would say we are moving fast, but it doesn't seem that way to me. I am totally comfortable spending time with him and his immediate family. They all feel like family to me, and I feel at ease. I just wish we had more time together. There is so much time to make up for, and life is so short.
Arnold: My new daughter was adopted at birth by a very good family, and they also adopted another daughter as well. She is a college graduate and is now a vice president at a global company and is doing very well for herself. We met maybe 2 months after this discovery.
We have agreed to take this slow and hopefully at our second face-to-face meeting, we can decide where we go from here.
Does she have time for a new family? Does she want to meet her adult half siblings on this side of the family or not? She met her biological mother at the age of 20 for a couple days as well as two half-siblings her bio mom had given birth to. That was over twenty years ago, and she has not heard back from her mother nor her half-siblings. I don’t want to do the same to her, but if she decides to keep it private, I will go along.
WHAT HAS HELPED YOU THE MOST IN COPING WITH THE UNEXPECTED CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE?
Tony: There is no one I know that could really relate to my situation. So, I searched online and found very little information from the perspective of the surprised father. I only found one somewhat relevant post. From there I found and contacted Brianne Kirkpatrick. She helped me get in a secret Facebook group. In this group I have shared my experiences, read other experiences, interacted with the members, and formed a friendship with someone who has a somewhat similar situation to mine.
All this has been very helpful. So has talking directly with my son.
Arnold: Finding Brianne and Watershed has helped the most. I had two sessions with her on the phone before I replied to my new daughter, I was really a mess emotionally.
With her guidance it got me through the first contact via phone call meeting with my new daughter. It helped prepare me for a face to face with her when she was traveling for work. Now the Facebook support group I am in is helping me a lot. I have become friends with two other discovered fathers, with similar stories. I wish I could find fathers with the same situation as me, though. Other new fathers who have adult children with their spouses. Did they tell the kids yet? Will they? Won’t they tell them? There is no sense in making our children go through this discovery if my newfound daughter doesn’t want to meet them. But if we keep it quiet, they might find out on their own anyway.
I had a close friend tell me he’s not sure how he would react if he found about a half-sibling he never knew of.
He thought ours (my wife and I) was a better situation than if the newfound daughter had been a result of an affair. He tried to reassure me this all happened when I was single, so I have less baggage, so to speak than most.
His thoughts on the matter have helped me prepare for a future time when we do tell our children if we choose to. But still, it is so confusing. It’s hard to know what’s the right thing to do.
One final note from Arnold………….
To the men out there that are considering to have a DNA test done, heed this advice:
Make sure you are prepared for the GOOD, THE BAD, OR THE UGLY news that might come from the test. The latter two will create a lot of stress for you, your partner and your newfound child.
When you read a guest blog post, you’re seeing merely a snapshot of an intense lived experience. Tony and Arnold have only known about their biological children for less than a year. Their experience is not reflective of all birth fathers, and I am certain they both would have answered these questions differently if I had posed them on a different day, week, or year.
I hope you’ll consider sharing your thoughts below if this post struck a chord.
If you find posts like this one helpful, check out these resources. If you’re interested in a 1:1 session with me (like Arnold described), you can learn more about that option on the “Meet Brianne” tab or by reaching out to find out about how to schedule a phone call or video chat session.
-Brianne
DNA SurpriseBiological FamilyDNA Shocks
Brianne Kirkpatrick https://www.watersheddna.com
Should I have kids: 6 tips to help you decide if you want to start a family
“I’m afraid of losing my partner because he wants kids, and I don’t know what I want. I think I don’t want them.”
“I’m afraid of losing my identity, freedom, and comfort if I have children. Afraid of regretting it if I don’t.”
“I’ve always wanted to have a baby, but is it even ethical, knowing the environmental and political climate?”
“I need some peace and clarity from the torture of sitting on the fence for too long.
”
This is just a sample of the questions, fears, and concerns I hear all the time from my clients. I’m a therapist who has dedicated my life to helping people figure out if they want to have children. I’ve been doing this for 30 years and have seen more clients than I can count of all stripes — men, women, single, married, and partnered people. People just out of a relationship and people just starting a relationship. People from ages 28 to 59. Our goal is to help people make possibly the biggest decision of their lives: whether or not they want to become a parent.
Most people who contact me say they feel like they’re the only one who can’t decide. I let them know immediately: They’re not the only one. Our society allows little room for ambivalence around this topic.
That’s because we, unfortunately, live in a pronatalist world where the unspoken message is that everyone should want children and should have them, the end. While the burgeoning child-free movement rejects this notion, as it should, the loudest voices from that group tend to articulate an assured decision to be child-free.
They deserve everyone’s respect. But for many people, it’s hard to know what they really want. This can add another layer of shame because it can often seem like everyone else came to their decision with ease. Many assume that a time will come for each of us, at which point we’ll “just know.” Even though that is the case for some, it’s a myth to think it’s that way for everyone.
The sad truth is that most people who reach out to me have struggled with this decision for 10, 15, 20 years. That pains me to no end. Some people don’t realize they’re ambivalent because they’ve walked around with an assumption of either, “Of course, I’ll have kids one day,” or, “I’m never going to have kids.” Then one day, the decision has to be made due to age or time or a relationship is about to end or begin over this issue. From desperation, they have to make a decision. Fear instead of desire runs the show. Operating on fear is a lonely, excruciating process that leaves many immobilized. But when a decision is made from a place of desire, joy, or clarity, the experience is quite different.
Many assume that a time will come for each of us, at which point we’ll “just know.” Even though that is the case for some, it’s a myth to think it’s that way for everyone.
The first thing I try to make very clear to all of my clients is that deciding to have children, raise children, or live a child-free life is a journey that’s unique to each person making those decisions. No one can tell you what’s right for you, yet society, family, and your own assumptions continue to influence these decisions and sometimes even demand a particular choice.
Of course, many stumble into a situation one way or the other: There are those who don’t want to be parents but end up loving the experience, and those who want children but never find themselves having them and love that experience as well. It’s wonderful when that happens, but chance is not the path to a fulfilled life. Making a conscious decision only after knowing what you want and why you want it is what real freedom is all about.
In my opinion, if everyone paused and pondered whether or not motherhood or fatherhood was for them — no matter how certain or uncertain they felt about the answer — the experience they would have of coming to an ultimate decision would feel more expansive and have fewer fears attached to it.
The second thing I impress on my clients is that the main reason they feel stuck, no matter their circumstance, is because they’re trying to figure out what they want (their heart’s desire about parenthood) and what they’re going to do about it (make a decision) at the same time. The result is gridlock in your mind, and you cannot think your way out.
It’s important to know that a person’s desire and decision are not always the same, nor is the goal for them to be the same. The goal is to know your truth about each of them. You may want to become a parent and decide not to for a variety of reasons. You may realize you wanted to have had children by now but decide not to because it’s not what you want to do with your life at this point, a decision that doesn’t change the fact that you wanted to be a parent.
Deciding to have kids may not have been your first choice, but you decide conscientiously to become a parent for other reasons (and not from a resentful place).
The most efficient way to make a decision is to actually put that decision-making pressure aside temporarily and focus only on your desire. Can you imagine an oasis where fear, judgment, and shame don’t exist? Where it’s not even considered? What if there is a place where there is no right or wrong, good or bad answer? Sound nice? I believe one needs to have their own private, uncensored process in that kind of environment to find out what they want.
I have had the great honor of providing that environment. And I want to help you create that environment for yourself.
For 30 years, I’ve led the undecided through a structured and ordered process where they gain the clarity they’re seeking. The cost of not deciding can be emotionally excruciating, with plans put on hold, which can have financial implications especially for women who hesitate to move forward in their careers “just in case” they want children.
But there are ways to get unstuck and move forward,
Here are a few tips to get you started.
1. Begin with deciding to take a designated break (one to three months) from any discussion about the topic with your partner. If you’re single, stop ruminating about it or talking about it with others. During this time, decide not to know what you want or what you’re going to do. No more thinking one way or the other.
2. Accept that indecision is more complex than what’s on the surface and not because something is wrong with you.
3. Stop trying to figure this out by making a pros and cons list. It will keep you stuck. If you’re doing it for the third or umpteenth time and you’re not getting anywhere, then doing it one more time is not the solution.
4. Make a list of three decisions that you’ve made because you knew in your gut it was the right decision for you. Write a few sentences on each one describing the sensation of how good it felt to have made them.
This is the sensation you deserve to experience when you’re deciding “yes” to parenthood or “yes” to a child-free life.
5. Create separation between desire and decision by putting the decision to the sidelines until clarity of your desire is known. To do this, make a list of all your fears related to this decision. Then list all the specifics, or externals, in your life that you can’t stop thinking about (age, health, career, relationship status, etc.) Then put these two lists in an envelope and put that envelope out of sight. Do not look at it or entertain anything in it until you have clarity of your desire, and you know why you want what you want. The why is important, not because you owe anyone an explanation but because you need to know what is driving your desire from the inside out so that you can be honest with yourself.
6. Do some old-fashioned stream-of-consciousness writing with these prompts.
- “I’ve always thought that by now my life would look like .
..” Then read what you just wrote and write about how it feels to read it. - What verbal and nonverbal messages did you receive from your parents, community, religion, and society about you becoming a parent?
- Make the decision of yes to having/raising a baby and live with that decision for five days. During that time, write daily about how you feel about the decision you are pretending to have made. Don’t bargain with the decision. The more you can buy into having made the decision, the more information you’ll receive about yourself.
- Make the decision to live a child-free life for five days. During that time, write daily about how you feel about the decision you are pretending to have made. Don’t bargain with the decision. The more you can trick your mind into the decision being made, the more information you’ll receive about yourself.
- What would it take or what would have to happen in order for you to say “yes” to parenthood and feel good about it?
- What would it take or what would have to happen in order for you to say “yes” to a child-free life and feel good about it?
This time of exploration, without the pressure of having to make a decision, will help you discover your honest desire.
Once you know what drives it from the inside out, you’re freed up to make a conscious decision about what you’re going to do. To entertain a decision prematurely (without complete clarity of desire) will only make your decision-making process more complicated than it needs to be and delay the peace and calm you so deserve.
It’s also important to remember that at the end of the day, even when you’re making conscious decisions, you still have to accept the universal truth that you cannot control the outcome of how your life will be, with or without children. Trying to do so by playing out every scenario will only cause you to suffer because it’s fundamentally unachievable.
What is 100 percent within your control is to trust that you’ll be okay, no matter the outcome, and you’ll get help if you need to.
You can only know how you want your life to unfold and do everything you can to have it unfold that way. However, if your imagined life does not come true, that doesn’t mean the story ends there and now you have to suffer.
Parenthood is neither a destiny nor a debate. There is no single right choice. Only you can know what’s right for you: You are the helmsperson of your life.
Ann Davidman is a licensed marriage and family therapist, parenthood clarity mentor, and author. She is the co-author of the book Motherhood — Is It for Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity with Denise L. Carlini. Men read this book as well (and change a few pronouns).
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Where can I find out if you have children?
How do you know if you have children you don't know about?
1) Where can I get information about the presence of children, for example, born out of wedlock and about whom no one informed the father.
2) Where can I get information about the presence of children, in which state bodies
, Vadim, p. Sevastopol
Kirill Smolko
Lawyer, Bryansk
Hello, Vadim. If you are listed as the father in the birth certificates of your illegitimate children, then it is quite possible to obtain an extract from the registry office at the place where the birth of the child is registered.
If you are not listed as the father in the child's birth certificates, you will not receive such information anywhere else. In such cases, if you have some confidence that your child is from a certain woman, they sue to establish paternity, during which, as a rule, a genetic examination is carried out
Civil law
I would like to know whether they officially pass it or not?
Hello! Is it possible to find out the owners They rent an apartment and the tenants are always yelling at the children and they themselves are already tired of yelling.
I would like to know if they officially pass it or not? pay taxes?
, question No. 3454002, Masha, Moscow
Criminal law
Hello, I wanted to know, I have 264 hours 1 and 166 hours 1, what threatens me for this, can you find out?
Hello, I wanted to know, I have 264 h 1 and 166 h 1 what threatens me for this, can I find out?
, question No. 3452948, Denis, Moscow
Civil law
Hello, I have such a situation. find out what awaits me at the court
Hello, I have such a situation, on October 18, the court in Kirishi my question is my article 167 part 1 I was recognized as insane, you can find out what awaits me at the court
, Question No. 3451873, Maxim, St. Petersburg
Labor Law
Does it make sense to appeal this court decision?
Immediately after leaving school, she worked as a primary school teacher.
Being a member of a collective farm, that is, she worked at a school, the collective farm paid. PF did not defend this period as a pedagogy. The refusal says that the collective farm is not an educational organization. Although I provided documents: a work book of a collective farmer, where it is written that I was accepted as a primary school teacher; an extract from orders for the school, etc. I went to court. The court refused to recognize this period as a pedagogical period, referring to the fact that I did not have the right to teach (I did not have an education). I graduated from a pedagogical school, where the teachers were teachers of the pedagogical university. Does it make sense to appeal this decision of the court?
, question №3451685, Olga, Moscow
Family law
Hello, I have 4 children from previous marriages, in the first 2 children, the father is not deprived of parental rights, but 8
Hello, I have 4 children from previous marriages, in the first 2 children, the father is not deprived of parental rights, but for 8 years he does not communicate with the children and does not pay alimony, in the second marriage 2 children, their father died, all the children are raised by me current husband, are they considered his dependents?.
, question No. 3451660, Anzhelika, St. Petersburg
How to find out how many children will be by date of birth
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Oksana TarasovaOksana Tarasova Journalist, copywriter Society116,079
Photo: Depositphotos / Wavebreakmedia
Numerologists talked about a way to find out how many children a couple will have by the dates of birth of the spouses.
This does not require special knowledge and complex calculations. Those who are not yet in a relationship can use this method, but the results will not be entirely accurate - with the appearance of the second half, the result will change.
So, in order to predict your parental future, experts are sure, it's enough just to sequentially add up all the numbers from the dates of birth of both partners. For example, if it is 12/25/1988, then the scheme looks like this 2 + 5 + 1 + 2 + 1 + 9 + 8 + 8, for a total of 36. Then add 3 + 6 and get 9. The same with the date of the chosen one. For example, 12/12/1986 is 1+2+1+2+1+9+8+6, for a total of 30, that is, the number 3. 9+3 gives 12, 1+2 leads to 3. Next, we look for the value of our numbers below.
If you get one, this is a good sign for those who dream of a big family. Number 1 will allow a man and a woman to give birth to as many heirs as they want. The number 2 promises no more than two children, and 3 suggests some difficulties in this matter.
A couple with a triplet may repeatedly delay the moment of conception due to health problems or financial difficulties.
The number 4 means that spouses can become parents of a friendly quartet, and 5 guarantees more than one child, the appearance of twins is not excluded. 6 also implies having many children, but, most likely, the heirs will be from different marriages and with a big difference in age, MK writes. If the sum is 7 - this is a maximum of one baby, often the seven corresponds to couples who do not want replenishment at all or are convinced childfree.
The number 8 may mean that children from previous marriages will be accepted into the family. Adoption is possible, but a common child is not excluded. And if it turned out 9, then we are talking about two heirs. It is extremely rare for “nines” to have many children. But no matter what the numbers say, in the desire to find parental happiness, it is important to be guided by the heart - yours and your loved one.
