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How to deal with child being bullied at school
How to Prevent Bullying | StopBullying.gov
Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can:
Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help.
Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns.
Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.
Model how to treat others with kindness and respect.
Help Kids Understand Bullying
Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.
Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
Watch the short webisodes and discuss them - PDF with kids.
Keep the Lines of Communication Open
Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending 15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily life and feelings with questions like these:
What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?
Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:
What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?
Get more ideas for talking with children - PDF about life and about bullying. If concerns come up, be sure to respond.
There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives.
Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
Check the school website
Go to school events
Greet the bus driver
Meet teachers and counselors at “Back to School” night or reach out by email
Share phone numbers with other kids’ parents
Teachers and school staff also have a role to play.
Encourage Kids to Do What They Love
Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and friendships that help protect kids from bullying.
Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect
Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.
9 Steps You Can Take
As we all know too well, name–calling, cruel taunts, cyberbullying, and physical bullying happen every day to kids across the country. When your child is being bullied, it’s hard to concentrate on anything else—all you want to do is make it stop immediately.
At some point, your child will be picked on or will have his feelings hurt by others. We all have our trials and tribulations with our kids, no matter who we are. An unavoidable part of living is finding solutions to problems, even when they are not easy or comfortable.
In my opinion, bullying is a problem that needs to be solved as a family. Our son was bullied in middle school and high school. We were living in a small rural community where he went to elementary school. The elementary school was terrific. The teachers were very aware of all the kids and very attentive. In some ways, it was an ideal school.
Unfortunately, they had no junior high or high school in our community, so we had to make the choice to send our son to a large urban school nearby.
Soon, he started to come home with some very disturbing stories about how other kids were teasing him, calling names, and taunting him. These children didn’t have any clear reason why they were bullying our son other than he was the new kid and he was perceived as being different.
Our son would come home each day with terrible stories about things that had happened. My husband, James, and I tried hard not to react too strongly when he talked to us. We did not want to seem too upset about it because we really wanted to listen to what our child had to say without making it worse by overreacting. We tried to remain as neutral as possible. But honestly, we were not always successful. Our son was upset and depressed. And it broke our hearts.
Over time we were able to resolve these issues as a family, but it didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of work with both the school and our son to find a solution to the problem.
But along the way, we learned some valuable lessons that I believe played a big part in resolving the issue for our son.
Here are 9 steps you can take when your child is being bullied.
1. Listen to What Your Child Has to Say
Being a good listener is an important piece of your role when your child is being bullied. One of the best questions you can ask your child is:
“What can I do to be helpful?”
When your child tells you what’s going on at school, as much as it hurts to listen, be open and able to hear what he has to say. Try to be supportive but neutral when he’s talking. When you react too strongly to what your child is saying, he might stop talking because he’s afraid he’s going to upset you.
The other side of listening is not blaming your child. Don’t put the responsibility for the bullying on him or try to find a reason for it; there is no good reason or excuse for what’s happening.
If your child is being bullied, he is the victim, so trying to find a reason for why he’s “bringing it on himself” really isn’t helpful. Never blame your child because it makes him anxious and reduces what he’s going to tell you. Your goal is that he continues to communicate what’s going on.
2. If You Were Bullied as a Child, Try Not to Personalize What Is Happening
If you were bullied when you were younger, the same situation with your child will most likely bring up painful memories. It’s okay to connect with your child about how it feels to be bullied, but don’t take the problem on as if it’s yours alone.
The most important thing to do when your child is bullied is to remember the responses you received from others that were—or weren’t—helpful. Use what worked and avoid doing what was unsupportive or hurtful.
3. Don’t Retaliate Against the Bully or His Family
As tempting as it might be to take matters into your own hands and retaliate against the bully or his family, don’t do it. This is where you have to set some examples for your child on how to problem solve.
It’s very difficult to hear that your child is being threatened. Of course, you want to immediately stop the hurt. But remember, retaliating won’t help your child solve the problem or feel better about himself. Instead, take a deep breath and think about what you can do to help your child handle what he’s facing.
4. Coach Your Child on How to React
Bullies tend to pick on people who they can get a reaction from. They choose kids who get upset and who take the teasing to heart. They also look for kids who won’t stand up for themselves, or who they can overpower. It’s important to teach your child how to react. We coached our son on how to avoid bullies at school and who to go to if he felt unsafe.
We also did role plays together where we practiced not reacting to what the bullies said. He couldn’t stop the bullying right away, but he could get himself away from it and he could find someone to talk to about it.
Related content: Child and Teen Bullying: How to Help When Your Kid is Bullied
5. Find a Teacher or Administrator at Your Child’s School Who Will Help
Remember, it is the school’s responsibility to stop bullying and most schools do take it seriously. The saving grace for our son was one of the guidance counselors at his school. We felt it was important for our child to have some sense of taking this problem on and solving it by going to the guidance counselor on his own. While we didn’t openly discuss this with him, he knew that we were also talking to the guidance counselor.
After our son started talking with the guidance counselor, she let him know that he could just sit in her office, even if she wasn’t there. The school allowed him to basically take a time out or break to get away if needed. This gave him some control and made him feel like he wasn’t powerless. It showed him that there were some solutions to the situation. It showed him that there was hope.
And make sure your child keeps talking—whether it’s with you, a guidance counselor or a trusted teacher, it’s important that he keeps communicating about what’s going on.
6. Take Your Child’s Side
When our son was being bullied, we constantly reaffirmed that there were things he could do to handle the situation and that he was, in fact, doing them. We let him know that we were going to get him help and that we loved him and we were going to support him.
We also said that there was no excuse for what was happening to him. Make sure to let your child know that you’re on his side. He needs to understand that you don’t blame him and that you will support him.
We also let our child know that if he retaliated against the group, by swearing back or even fighting, that we wouldn’t punish him at home. Our son was bullied physically and verbally, and we told him that he could do what he needed to do to protect himself.
We told him that he would still have consequences at school for any misbehavior because that would be against the rules, but we didn’t add to them at home.
7. Get Support
Be sure to talk to your spouse or to supportive family or friends. Sometimes I would burst out crying after hearing about what had happened to our son. There were definitely times when James and I got angry. The bottom line is that this situation can really bring out emotions from parents.
We found that we needed to talk with each other about this as a couple because it was so hurtful and because we wanted to be clear in how we communicated to our son.
I recommend that single parents reach out to somebody—a family member, friend, or someone at the school—anyone who can help you help your child. We reached out to friends and colleagues as well and asked how they handled it when it happened to their kids. If nothing else, it helped us feel like we weren’t alone and that there wasn’t anything wrong with our child.
8. Teach Your Child to Name What’s Happening
For younger kids, it’s important to be able to name what’s happening as “bullying. ” For a child who’s feeling picked on, it’s empowering to be able to really name it.
They’re teaching a lot about bullying prevention in school these days and “bully” is such a negative word that it’s good for your child to be able to attach it to the behavior. This is truly empowering for many children and can work with older kids, as well.
9. Find Something Your Child Is Really Good at Doing
Help your child feel good about himself by finding something he can do well. Choose some activities he’s good at and reinforce it verbally. Our son got involved in swimming and it was very helpful for his self–esteem.
Fortunately, he got through that year and developed some great friendships. That summer we signed him up for a summer camp program. He went there still feeling a bit like a victim and came out a completely different human being. Camp was a place where he really excelled and it just fed his self–esteem.
So try to find a positive experience for your child to help him feel good about himself. Remember, every time he succeeds, it helps him develop better self–esteem, which is the opposite of how the bullies make him feel.
Bullying is not something your child is going to get over immediately. It can be long a process. But our son learned that while he couldn’t stop people from saying bad things, he had control over how he responded.
It’s that stuck place, that feeling of being completely powerless and trapped, that is the worst. I think what our son got out of this whole situation was finding those small pieces of control and exerting them, bit by bit.
Again, all of this took a lot of time. We didn’t come up with solutions quickly. It took time for our son to trust the guidance counselor and then for us to encourage him to go talk to her.
After a while, we could see that everything we were doing was starting to work. Overcoming a bullying episode takes support, and it takes everyone working together as a family to make it happen.
Signs That Your Child Is Being Bullied
Not all kids will admit to their parents that they are being bullied. It is often embarrassing to them and they are unsure how you will react. Therefore, it is important that you look out for the following signs that your child is being bullied:
Not going to the bathroom at school. A lot of bullies attack in the bathroom, away from cameras and adults. Avoiding unsupervised activities and areas.
Getting upset after a phone call, text or email.
Losing friends they previously had.
Being more isolated and skipping activities that they used to enjoy. Spending more time alone in their rooms.
Making negative statements about themselves and engaging in negative self-talk.
Related content: My Child is Being Bullied—What Should I Do?
How to deal with bullying at school - Own
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Every third child in Russia experiences bullying at school. At the same time, only every tenth parent knows about the problem. Adults, including teachers and school principals, may not notice the problem or simply turn a blind eye to it. As a result, classmates humiliate the child every day and play football with his briefcase, and this child can then commit suicide or come to school with a gun. Together with psychologist Anastasia Tutik, we figure out why children are silent about problems and how to help them.
How bullying differs from ordinary conflict
Children sometimes quarrel. They may push, yell at each other, and even fight—and that's okay. If today Petya and Misha called each other names, and tomorrow they play football together, this is not bullying, but a conflict. It is impossible to completely avoid conflicts between children. Yes, and it’s not necessary: conflicts teach them to cope with aggression, defend their rights and put up.
Bullying is aggressive behavior that is repeated constantly. At the same time, the forces of children are not equal, that is, some act as aggressors and mock others - victims. And these roles remain unchanged. Bullying does not teach anything good, it only hurts.
Characteristic features of bullying:
emotional or physical abuse. It can be insults, jokes, gossip, as well as fights and skirmishes;
bullying occurs constantly and is directed at the same person;
the class either supports the aggressor and also poisons the victim, or pretends that nothing is happening.
Many adults believe that “it's just how kids are now” or reduce bullying to the problems of individual children. For example, they believe that “Sasha is beaten at home by his drunk father, so he takes revenge on a classmate” or “It is not surprising that everyone laughs at Ksyusha, she stutters and cannot stand up for herself.” But bullying is always a system error. When a child is bullied at school, there is not only an aggressor and a victim, but also observers. Classmates and teachers support the conflict in one way or another—even if they don’t get into it and think that everything that happens does not concern them.
Parents who believe that the problem is exaggerated should imagine the following situation:
An adult comes to work, but no one greets him. Colleagues turn away, laugh behind him. When a person sits down at his desk, it turns out that the wire from his monitor is cut. A person asks his colleagues what happened, if they saw who did it, but everyone is silent and pretends not to hear anything. He goes to the boss to warn him about the problem, but the boss only screams because the subordinate came to him with some nonsense and cannot figure out the situation himself.
When a person brings an office equipment specialist to the office, it turns out that the wire is intact. The master looks at him like a fool, and his colleagues choke with laughter. The person blushes, gets nervous and goes to the toilet to calm down. And when he returns, he sees that the things from his bag are scattered along the corridor.
He tries to complain to his friends and to the labor inspectorate, and in response he gets: “You need to be able to get along with colleagues” or “It will pass, be patient. ”
At the same time, an adult has experience and competencies - he knows where to turn for help and, in the end, can simply quit. And a child who is bullied every day at school cannot do anything about it.
Svetlana, 35 years old:
— Our class was the strongest in terms of academic performance, but at the same time the most unmanageable. Me and two other guys were constantly spread rot for any reason. My family is not rich, I wore clothes for my older sisters, and my classmates scoffed at this, saying: “Maybe you can take a doormat, it will go on your skirt” or “My socks are torn here. Do you want me to give you? Pass it on to your children." The instigator of the bullying was a boy named Dima, and everyone else followed him. I remember how he approached me at physical education and said: "If you fail the class and pass the baton badly, I will kill you."
I was scared. I told my parents about it, but they advised me to be smarter, to laugh it off in response, they said that the ability to laugh at yourself is a very important quality.
The teachers also ignored the problem. Once classmates poured a bucket of water on me. I went up to the teacher and asked to go home to change. The teacher replied: “Oh, don’t make it up, the clothes will dry anyway.” So I sat through all the lessons wet. It was cold and disgusting, and classmates were laughing.
In high school, I tried to fight back— shouted, cursed, but because of this, the bullying became stronger. Then I applied to another school, but did not pass English well. The director of this school contacted my parents and said that they were ready to accept me if I improved my English with a tutor. My parents decided that I could not cope, and they left me in the old school.
One day I plucked up the courage and asked Dima why he constantly mocks me. He said, "It's just that there are people who are disgusting in themselves," and you're one of them.
After the ninth grade, many guys from Dima's retinue went to college, he stopped bullying me and other classmates. When I remember my school years, I shake, bullying affected me a lot. Now, when I encounter aggression, I fall into a stupor and feel like a defenseless schoolgirl, not an adult woman.
Anyone can become a victim of school bullying - just like an aggressor. Parents may think that the child has good and friendly classmates, but in reality they spit after the child or take money from him. The prestige of the school will not protect the child either - bullying exists both in paid schools and in elite lyceums. That's why it's so important to be able to recognize the signs of bullying.
Things to watch out for
When a child is bullied at school, they get very nervous. And if he does not say anything to his parents, this tension will accumulate, affect his behavior and mood. For example, a quiet and calm child may begin to snap and be rude. For young children, psychosomatic manifestations are characteristic - vomiting, headache.
Here are a few more signs to look out for. A child is more likely to be bullied at school if they:
does not want to go to school;
begins to study worse;
becomes withdrawn, taciturn;
sleeps badly—cannot sleep or has nightmares;
comes home with torn or dirty clothes;
begins to undereat or overeat;
unable or unwilling to explain where bruises or cuts appeared on his body;
spends most of his time at home, not making friends with anyone.
These signs do not always indicate that a child is being bullied at school. Sometimes this happens at a transitional age or during the period of adaptation in a new class. Whatever the reason behind it, any change in the child's behavior is a signal that something is not right.
Why children are silent
Children who are bullied at school rarely ask for help. This is not always associated with upbringing and family relationships, but this option cannot be ruled out either. For example, if a father teaches a boy that a real man does not cry or complain, the child will keep everything to himself. And if a mother comes home from work annoyed, the child will not tell her about the problem, so as not to anger her even more.
The child's silence may depend on age. For example, teenagers prefer to solve problems themselves, while younger children are often afraid of upsetting their parents.
There are other options. Perhaps the child is silent because:
intimidated—the offender said that if the child complains to someone, he will ruin his whole life;
doesn't want to be a snitch — thinks it's bad to complain;
thinks that if his parents intervene, he will be bullied even more;
is embarrassed to admit that he cannot cope on his own;
blames himself - believes that the reason is that something is wrong with him and he deserves it;
is afraid to tell his parents why he is being bullied — for example, if classmates joke that the girl allegedly had many sexual partners;
yields to the authority of an adult— when the child is offended by the teacher, who thinks that the adult is always right. A teacher can be both an aggressor and a conflict instigator among children—for example, if he compares students with each other, makes remarks, sticks labels, or highlights favorites.
A child may remain silent about bullying for a variety of reasons, so it is important to pay attention to any changes in their behavior.
Kostya, 28 years old:
— I had a good family, my parents rarely quarreled and always took care of me. Mom knitted to order, dad worked at the factory.
In junior high, I wore braces and was generally clumsy, so I was teased, but my parents supported me. I also had friends in the yard, so I didn't worry too much.
When I was 10 years old, my father went somewhere and did not return. He is still considered missing. Mom was out of her mind, I felt lost and withdrawn. All the teachers knew what had happened, but they didn’t tell anyone in the class, gossip spread that our father left us and went to his mistress.
They stopped teasing me for having crooked teeth, but they started harassing me: taking away my bag, beating me if I resisted, insulting me and calling me a whiner. Sometimes friends from the yard were next to these offenders, but they just watched silently. And then they also began to mock me.
The teachers knew about it, but they ignored it. The school psychologist asked how I was doing, if anyone offended me, but I didn’t say anything, and he simply stopped calling me to him.
I didn’t go out for a walk, I started to stutter, I could cry in class at 9ninth grade—not to sob, but shed a tear when the teacher scolded me for writing the test badly. I became a loser, and the teachers only added fuel to the fire: they said in front of everyone that I had completely gotten out of hand and that I had no future. The disappearance of my father severely crippled my mother, and she also worked two jobs, so she was not up to my problems at school.
I grew up as an outcast and very angry with everyone. I have never been to a reunion and continue to hate teachers and classmates.
The school will end, but the consequences of bullying will not go anywhere. If the child is not helped to cope with the problem in time, he will grow up insecure, suffer from depression or auto-aggressive behavior - he will take out the aggression on himself.
How to talk to your child
If a parent suspects that a child is being bullied, the first step is to talk to them about it, rather than running to school and making a fuss. You can’t ask the child in the forehead, put pressure on and arrange interrogations - so he will close even more.
When talking about bullying, it is important to consider the age of the child. If he is in elementary school, you can find out everything through the game, for example, through a fairy tale with agreement. The name of the main character should be consonant with the name of the child, so that it would be easier for him to associate himself with him. For example, the child's name is Vasya, and the character of the fairy tale is Vanya. The tale should sound something like this:
On a warm autumn morning, the boy Vanya goes to school and thinks that . .. On the way to the classroom, Vanya meets a classmate Dima, and the boys ... When Vanya was called to the blackboard in a mathematics lesson, the teacher told him that ... Vanya is at recess ...
All gaps must be filled in by the child. If he says that he does not know what happened next, and refuses to finish, this is a defensive reaction. Then the parent needs to be told: “Let's think of it, it's a fairy tale. What would you imagine?" It is important to show the child that this is a game so that he relaxes. Through supposedly invented answers, the child will tell the parent about what worries him.
A different approach is needed with a high school student. It is important to establish a safe zone, establish emotional contact, and only then gently ask. Even if the child does not want to talk about the problem, parents need to say that it is important for them and that the child is not to blame for anything. For example, say: “It seems to me that something is happening to you, and I am worried. I know for sure that the reason is not you. If something goes wrong, you don't have to deal with it yourself. Asking for help is normal, adults should deal with difficult situations.”
The child doesn't need parents to promise to "break up" the offender, the school, and everyone around. It can be difficult to contain emotions, but a child needs a calm adult, next to whom he feels safe, knows that he is understood and that his parents are on his side. You should not immediately take the problem into your own hands, you need to ask the child what he would like to do - this will give him a sense of control over the situation.
There is no magic phrase that will help to instantly talk a child — it will take time to establish emotional contact with a child. You need to pay attention to children all the time, and not pester with questions five minutes before leaving the house. It is necessary to gather with the whole family more often, be interested in the opinion of the child on various issues and not try to control his every step.
But all these methods are more suitable for prevention: so that the problem does not start to grow and the child knows that he can always turn to his parents. If everything is obvious and the child regularly comes home with bruises, you should not wait until he wants to open up to his parents - it is better to immediately contact a psychologist.
How not to react
You can’t look for the reason for bullying in a child, think that he behaved somehow wrong, since he is being bullied.
How not to talk
Why it doesn't work
Just ignore it. They will get bored and stop playing jokes on you.
Avoiding the situation and hoping that it will pass by itself is a bad strategy. When parents say this, children feel abandoned, as if they are left alone with the offender. In addition, if a child is constantly told that he is stupid, and the parents do not interfere in this, sooner or later the child will believe that it is so.
You need to learn how to manage on your own, dad is not eternal. Fight back, only the weak are bullied.
This advice is usually given to boys. Because of this, they tend to suppress their feelings, which eventually leads to anxiety and depression. And such an answer shifts all responsibility to the child.
All children go through this. You just have a transitional age, it will pass.
Bullying is not a common occurrence that a child should take for granted. A child who is taught to endure unfair treatment will be bullied into adulthood.
Parents want to raise their child to be self-reliant, independent and courageous. But since a child is being bullied, it means that he cannot fight back on his own and he needs help. No child wants to be a victim, and if he could solve the problem alone, he would.
What to do next
First, you can try to talk to the abuser's parents. If they do not take the problem seriously and believe that their child is an angel, it is worth enlisting the support of the school and talking with the class teacher. This should be done politely and calmly, because the main goal is to solve the child's problem, and not throw out your anger. In a conversation with a teacher, it is important to discuss the strategy: specific steps and deadlines.
Do you even know what's going on in your class?!
How did you let this happen, what kind of teacher are you! We entrusted you with our child, and what about you?
My child does not eat, does not sleep, constantly cries, and all because someone cannot do their job normally!
My daughter said that her classmate was bullying her, while other girls were just watching. Did you know about it?
What are you doing to solve the problem?
I saw that this girl created a Vkontakte group where she uploads photos of my daughter with all sorts of offensive inscriptions. The photos were taken at the lesson and during breaks. What are you planning to do with it?
If conversations with the teacher did not lead to anything, you can create a conciliation commission. In this case, parents, school administration, mediators and psychologists gather to resolve the conflict. The students themselves can also be members of the commission. The decision that will be made at the meeting will become binding on the school grounds.
The teacher can also be the offender, and then it is more difficult to solve the problem. First you need to understand whether he is really behaving unprofessionally or the child is overreacting to comments. It is worth talking to the parents of classmates to find out how they see the situation. If there is a problem, contact the principal of the school; if this does not work, contact the local education department and administration.
Sometimes parents find it easier to transfer their child to another school because publicity and hype can only increase bullying. It is not always so. Bullying exists because of impunity. Usually the problem is solved as soon as the offender is brought to justice. However, if the school cannot help and bullying continues, the most important thing is to keep the child safe. You can transfer him to another school and continue to solve the problem.
Nastya, 19 years old:
— In elementary school, I had a very stern teacher, she could yell at us for no reason, say something rude, hit with a ruler or throw chalk at someone. She liked to add the word "pan" to the names of the boys. Once she called a boy with the surname Nosov to the board and asked: "Well, Mr. Nosov, what are you going to tell us today?" The class laughed, and the nickname "diarrhea" was assigned to the boy for a long time.
The teacher called the girls "secrets", I did not understand what it meant, and asked my parents. Parents were shocked and began to ask about what was happening in our class. After that, they decided to talk to the teacher, but the director was on her side and did not see any problem. Then my parents said that if the teacher starts screaming or hitting someone with a ruler, I should write it all down on my phone. I did so.
With the notes, the parents immediately went to the city administration - they knew that it was pointless to expect help from the director. The question arose about the dismissal of the teacher, but suddenly half the class was against it. Many parents believed that strictness was not bad, and that the teacher was a strong teacher who would provide us with a good future, so we can be patient.
The teacher was eventually fired, but it only got worse. If earlier my classmates and I had a common enemy - a strict classmate, now my family and I have become an outcast. Parents were ignored at meetings, removed from the general chat. They constantly made fun of me: they said that the new class teacher gives me fives only because of the fear that I will film her too. Probably, the children simply repeated what they heard at home from their parents.
Our town is small, and there was no point in transferring to another school. Therefore, the whole family moved to another city.
Some parents who have experienced bullying at school advise to immediately remove the child from the educational institution. They believe that it is pointless to fight bullying—if it exists, it means that teachers and administration have failed to build the right relationship between students. Which means the problem will reappear. Therefore, you need to look not just for a new school, but also for a good class teacher. Ideally, he is able to set the rules of life in the classroom and control them, take responsibility. It is almost impossible to determine this immediately. You can focus on the teacher's desire to solve the problem - if it is not less than that of the parents, then there is a chance that the situation will not happen again.
If talking doesn't work
Bullying at school doesn't just ruin a person's life. They can lead to suicide or lead to mental disorders, due to which the child will sit on antidepressants. Therefore, if the school does not protect the child or does not respond to the situation, it is necessary to move on to legal and legal measures.
This will require evidence — correspondence, testimonies of other parents or children, dictaphone recordings of conversations, recorded beatings, damaged things. Emotional bullying, when a child is called names, gossiped about, or ignored, is more difficult to prove than physical bullying.
Here's what you can do if you can't solve a problem at the school level.
Write to officials. Send an application to the Department of Education in the city or region; to Rosobrnadzor and the territorial department of Rospotrebnadzor; contact the regional commissioner for children's rights.
The application can be written in free form. The main thing is to tell what happened and attach the evidence that you managed to collect.
Officials will review the application within 30 days of receipt. They can check the actions of teachers and the school administration, control how the school respects the rights of students and whether they do so at all. If, as a result, it turns out that teachers and the school administration did not comply with the requirements of the Law on Education - they did not contribute to resolving the conflict or took part in it themselves - they will be brought to administrative responsibility.
Contact NPO. In many regions of Russia there are non-profit organizations that deal with issues of bullying in schools. They help to understand the problem and offer effective ways to solve it. NPOs will also tell you which regulations to refer to in an application to the prosecutor's office.
Write to the police and the prosecutor's office. If a child comes home with scratches, bruises, abrasions, burns and other injuries, it is better to contact the police and the prosecutor's office.
The Public Prosecutor's Office also monitors compliance with the Education Act. It says that the school must ensure the safety of the child during the training.
The police must be contacted if the child's health has been moderately or more severely harmed. The police will conduct an investigation and decide whether to open a criminal case.
To attract public attention. Write posts on social networks, contact journalists. Publicity can speed up resolution of the problem.
School bullying | How to protect your child
Bullying in the school environment makes millions of children unhappy and deprives them of their right to a decent education. A recent UNESCO report shows that over 30% of the world's students experience bullying in school. And 10% of them become the so-called "scapegoats".
In this article, you will learn common types of bullying, the causes and consequences they lead to. We will also look at the signs by which parents can understand that their child is being bullied. And we know whether it is possible to fight bullying and how to deal with it?
Under the auspices of UNESCO, every year the first Thursday of November from 2020 will be considered the International Day to Fight School Bullying and Cyberbullying. Thus showing that school bullying has already become an international problem. Here are just some statistics.
Bullying at school, how can parents find out about it
How to notice that a child is being bullied? What to do if he keeps secret what is happening to him at school? It's good if you accidentally find out that someone is bullying him. And if you don't know? Therefore, be careful and discerning. Pay attention to changes in the child, for example, his mood, behavior. Here are the typical signs to look out for:
No desire to go to school with explanations that he is sick or not feeling well
Anxiety about having to go to school
Aggressiveness, especially at home
Runs away from lessons
Noticeable changes in sleep (sleep restlessly)
Changes in wakefulness
Children who are bullied have higher levels of stress, anxiety, depression and disease
Talks about other children with fear or hate
Signs of physical abuse: abrasions, bruises, bruises
Loss of personal belongings that the child cannot explain
Begging for extra money, explaining that he lost the money he was given before
Frequent headaches or stomach cramps
Child being bullied at school: advice for parents on how to protect them
When bullying happens to our child, what can we do to protect them? The first thing that comes to mind is to go and figure it out for yourself right away. How? Some say: I’ll go and “tear the offender like Tuzik a rag,” but it’s unlikely that you will solve the problem. This is not always a reliable solution. Let's think about how we can do it better.
1. Knock on the minds of teachers
If you suspect or have evidence that your child is being abused or bullied, then visit the school. Don't put it off. Purpose: to find out if the teachers know that there is a real persecution of children at school, in the classroom. If they know what they are doing to protect children?
Remember: teachers are in a position to monitor and take action to prevent further violence. Close cooperation between parents, teachers and children can reduce the likelihood of bullying in school. Successful cooperation between parents and teachers is protection for children.
2. Never ignore the problem
This is especially true for parents of boys. Categorically wrong:
To think that the son will sort it out himself if he wants to grow up to be a man.
Pretend that nothing is happening to the child.
Consider that the situation, perhaps already critical, is out of control and he is simply not able to cope on his own. And the delay of parents with help and support in this case can lead to disastrous results.
3. Do not encourage your child to learn to take revenge on the offender
It is a mistake to think that, for example, my son is very kind, so they bully him. So he needs to learn to fight back, stand up for himself. This approach can lead to even more problems. Often those who bully others do not do it alone. They do it in a crowd, defiantly.
Therefore, revenge on the offender can lead to even greater bullying, beatings from the crowd. There are cases when it even ended in death.
4. Teach your child to resist a bully
How to respond, how to object, how to control your feelings: fear or anger. This is one of the most important skills you can teach him. By showing a bully or bully their fear or anger, the child contributes to bullying and bullying. But by showing the offender that you are not afraid and are determined not to follow his lead, most likely you will encourage the bully to fall behind.
But how can a child resist bullying without showing fear when he is constantly being bullied? There is only one recipe - to learn, not to react to "provocation" in the form of ridicule, barbs, trips. After all, the purpose of these provocations is to provoke a conflict. If you answer them with insults, tears, a fight, it only strengthens the bully's desire to continue acting like that.
The ability to remain silent or to answer witty disarms the offender. In such cases, it is difficult to intimidate someone who does not respond to provocations. According to the “irony of life”, the following fact was noticed: having learned to resist the offender, you teach him to respect you!
5. Explain that asking for help from parents or teachers is not cowardice, but prudence
In my practice there was a child who did not ask for help from his father, who always insisted that the son should grow up as a man and be able to deal with offenders on his own . Once for a child, it ended in failure - a spinal injury.
So explain to your child that it is important to seek help from adults. Reassure him that you are available to help at any time. Arrange for your child to call you when he suspects that he may be bullied after school. Reassure your son/daughter that you will definitely try to help by protecting them.
A child feels more confident when he knows that his parents are behind him and will always support him. It is unlikely that a confident child who does not hide his confidence in the support of his parents will be bullied. Such a child does not fit into the “bully-victim” framework, so they are left alone.
Good, open communication between parents and children reduces the chances of bullies and bullies bullying a child. This increases the child's chances of receiving parental assistance in time if he has become a victim of a bully.
6. Passion for sports as one of the means of protection
This gives the child additional confidence in his fortitude. Going in for sports, the child is looking for a social circle with similar interests. Thus, he learns: 1) not to dance to someone else's tune, not to depend on the opinions and behavior of others; 2) learning social skills.
7. Encourage your child to talk about his problems at school
Explain to him that you want to know about what is happening at school in order to act in his interests. Offer to work together to find a solution to combat bullying. Develop a joint strategy for how he should behave when faced with bullying.
Let them not be ashamed to tell you not only about themselves, but also about their friends, if they are offended by hooligans. Encourage children to talk to adults when they are being bullied or threatened and not worry about telling their parents about bullying at school.
Sometimes the child is ashamed or afraid to talk about it, even if he has a good relationship with his parents. Perhaps he does not want to come home with his problems and upset his parents. When you notice this, talk to your child.
Reassure the child that you love him, you want to listen carefully and understand the child's difficulties. You really want to help him. Assure that he does not bother you with his problem, on the contrary, gives you the opportunity to take care of him.
Remember that bullying, violence, for a child can be much more disturbing than his school performance
At the same time, it is important to be very careful not to “break wood” and not make the child worse. Then he may feel helpless, unable to resist the offender. Since bullying at school causes fear and stress in a child, it is extremely important that children not only know, but FEEL that YOU support them and understand the situation.
8. Sometimes it's good to talk to bullies or their parents yourself
Calmly, without shouting, explain to them what steps you will take next if the bully doesn't stop bullying your child. Let them know for sure that you will fight for the safety of your children. Let them know that this situation is now under your personal control. Therefore, it is in their interests to listen to you by going to cooperation.
9. You may need to limit your child's social media presence
To limit the ability of others to threaten your child online. It is impossible to intimidate someone who is not on the Internet.
10. In severe cases, do not hesitate to change schools
What parents need to remember when their child is bullied
When you learn about bullying at school, you will encounter two types of emotions - your child and your own reaction. Instinctively, you want to protect your child, so someone's abuse of him can cause you a storm of negative emotions: anger, rage, revenge. The reaction of the child can be completely opposite to the parent, for example, apathy, silence, shame.
By learning to control your emotions and understanding children, you will be able to find the right solution and best help your child. This will help you prevent your child from being bullied. You will also set a good example for him, which will help him become a good parent for his children in the future. The main thing is to act, do not hesitate. It is important to help the child by protecting him. This is the direct responsibility of the parents.
What to do if your child is a bully
Children are bullies? It may seem that this is something outdated. This is not today. But, hooligans are alive and well! They are at trolleybus stops; in your child's classroom, or at school; in social networks, smartphones of your children. Bullying, bullying at school is becoming more of a problem than before. It is aggravated by such a problem as cyberbullying, cyberbullying.
Bullies believe that bullying and harassment of other children gives them recognition. But often this is a direct path to criminal activity in the future or disastrous results for oneself.
Signs of a bully
The child believes that most problems can be successfully solved only by violence
Shows aggression towards adults and children
Desire to dominate other children by any means
Easily falls into frustration
Shows little empathy for those who are being bullied or in trouble
Animal abuse has been observed. And now imagine that you receive a call from the principal from school, who asks you to influence your offspring. You find out that your child is a bully, offends others. What is your reaction? Screaming at the child, threatening him, “I don’t want to pour it on the most,” or just ignore it? Agree that all these options are wrong and ineffective.
Start with yourself
Remember, bullying at school by your child does not happen by chance. As a rule, this can be a reaction to what is happening at home. A kind of internal protest, resulting in bullying of children.
Usually children become hooligans, where there are wrong methods of education and communication in families. Insults, screams, swearing, beatings are the norm of behavior of parents or one parent. This becomes the norm for imitation for children in such families. Therefore, if you want to help your child correct his behavior, you should start with yourself. Start with your behavior, communication.
Remember , good behavior at school starts with good behavior and environment at home.