How to deal with a whining child

How to Handle a Whiny Child

Written by Logan Smith

In this Article

• Why Do Kids Whine?
• How to Get Kids to Stop Whining
• Discipline Tips for Parents
• How to Stop Whining

You know whining when you hear it. Parents may internally cringe as soon as they hear their child squeal, but whining isn’t just about screaming and crying. 

Whininess in children is normal and sometimes cannot be avoided. It’s their way of communicating new feelings. You can’t prevent all whining, but you can develop tools with your child to make whiny episodes manageable.

Why Do Kids Whine?

Self-expression. When an adult is upset, they say, “I’m upset.” They can describe their feelings, talk about why they’re upset, and sometimes rationally process what they’re experiencing.  

Kids can’t do that. When they’re upset, frustrated, or sad, they can’t describe it to their parents. Instead, they whine. 

Kids who are more sensitive may whine more. They experience their emotions more strongly and can’t express themselves in any way besides whining. At young ages, even the smallest disappointments can cause a child to break down. 

Expressing needs. You may notice your child whining at certain times, such as before lunchtime or in the afternoon when it’s almost nap time. This is their way of responding when they’re hungry or tired.

Whining doesn’t always mean they’re hungry or tired, though. They may whine in response to stress. Even most adults struggle to manage stress, so it’s understandable that your child responds to unfamiliar stress by whining.

Attention. What do you do when your child whines? You probably talk to them, ask them why they're whining, or hold them. Your child learns from this routine.

Your child wants your attention more than anything else. Even if they are whining about a cookie they want, your attention may be the most important thing.  

Your child learns that you give them attention when they whine. They pick up on this response and learn to use it. When they want something, they know that they can whine to get it. 

How to Get Kids to Stop Whining

There’s no magic word to stop whining. There are ways to help manage a whiny episode, but it’s more important to prepare yourself and your child for triggering incidents.

Observe their whiny episodes. Start keeping track of when and where your child whines. You may notice trends that you would otherwise miss while you’re trying to manage their whining.

You may notice that they whine regularly around mealtime, bedtime, or playtime. Keeping track can help you determine why your child is whining. 

Be prepared. You can only prepare if you know what to prepare for. Once you’ve figured out the typical triggers for your child’s whining, come up with ways to sidestep an episode.

If your child tends to whine before mealtime, keep some healthy snacks ready to satiate them until their meal. If they whine when they get dressed for the day, add some music or turn the activity into a game.

A whiny place. If nothing you do seems to work, make sure your child has a place where they can whine. Send them to their room or another private area until they stop whining. Make sure to have a consistent whiny place so your child understands the expectations. 

A whiny place serves two functions. The first separates you from the situation and gives you a breather. The second function puts the agency on your child: You can leave the whiny place when you stop whining.

A whiny place can seem like a punishment. That’s why discussing the expectations of the whiny place with your child is necessary. The whiny place is so they can whine safely until they’re ready to speak calmly. 

Model good behavior. Kids are like sponges. If you don’t use your words to express yourself, your child will struggle to do so.

Be mindful of your own responses. If you tend to squeal, yell, or scream rather than using your words when you’re upset, you’re showing your child that whining is a proper response. 

Distractions. You may not always know what your child is whining about. They may feel something unrelated to what’s happening around them, and you won’t know how to help. 

Activities, toys, and puzzles can help distract your child when you don’t know why they’re whining. Distractions can separate them from their overwhelming emotions or delay their whining until you’re both in a safe place to process these emotions. 

Discipline Tips for Parents

There are plenty of disciplinary tips, books, and blogs that provide guidance. Not every means of disciplining your child to stop whining will work. Be patient and remember that your child’s whining isn’t malicious. 

Don’t hear whining. Children whine when they get a reaction. It’s difficult, but ignoring their whining can teach them that whining isn’t the way to be heard.

When your child is whiny, explain to them that you can’t hear them when they’re whining. You can only hear them when they talk to you in a calm tone of voice. Similar to a whiny place, it puts the expectations and agency on them, not you.

It’s sometimes okay to ignore your child. They want your attention, so not giving it to them is the best way to prevent whiny behaviors from forming. As long as you know they’re safe, ignore their whining.

Teach them what to say. Children whine because they can’t convey their emotions. Instead of telling them not to whine, teach them what to do instead of whining.

Make them aware that whining doesn’t work. Talk them through how whining makes you feel and what the expectations of communication are. Then, give them words to use to describe their current emotions. 

Talking with your child about their feelings lets them be heard. It validates their feelings without focusing on their whining. 

Praise good habits. Focusing on positive behaviors will reinforce those for your child. Praise them when they ask for something without whining. Praise them when they get your attention without whining.

Reinforcing good habits gives them the tools for replacing their bad habits. With good communication behaviors, they don’t need to whine.

How to Stop Whining

The strongest tool in your toolbox is ignoring a whiny child. Attention reinforces their behavior. Every time you give in to the whining, your child learns that it works. 

Why It Happens and What to Do About It

Have you ever had your carefully laid plans ruined by a sudden attack of toddler whining? Picture this: You’re excited to spend the morning with your little one—maybe you’re heading to the zoo or their favorite playground. But, at some point, something goes awry. You’re stuck in traffic, you forgot to pack a snack or perhaps the wind blew the wrong way. Suddenly, your happy kiddo has been replaced by a whinier, crankier version of themselves. Rest assured, we’ve all been there. And when a toddler gets into this moody mode, there’s seemingly no way to reason with them.

As frustrating as it may be, it’s important to remember that toddler whining is developmentally appropriate—and, believe it or not, there are a few tactics and strategies that can help. Ready to rein in that sing-songy moaning and groaning? Read on for expert tips and tricks.

In this article:
Why do toddlers whine?
How to stop toddler whining

Why Do Toddlers Whine?

Simply put, toddlers whine because they want to be heard. At this age and stage, they’re still figuring out how to communicate and how to get their needs met. “Because they’re at the very beginning of learning about their feelings and their emotions, they really don’t have the language or ability to express what’s going on inside their bodies," says Jill DiPietro, LCSW, a social worker at Small Brooklyn Psychology in New York City.

When these feelings get to be too much for them to handle, they often respond with whining. “Children can become overwhelmed by their own experience and not know what to do,” says Martha Edwards, PhD, director of the Center for the Developing Child and Family at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City. “Their discomfort may come out as a whine because it conveys their internal state.”

Of course, there’s another slightly more irritating explanation for toddler whining: It may have proven to be a successful strategy for them in the past. “They may want something and whine because it actually works to get what they want. The sound of whining is like nails on a chalkboard and this is likely to increase the effect that children have on their parents,” adds Edwards. Basically, you’ve caved in the past and your savvy little cutie took note. To that effect, it’s important you don’t inadvertently establish what DiPietro calls “unhelpful communication patterns.”

The good news? You can help foster healthy reactions and coping mechanisms so whining doesn’t become the norm. “With toddlers, we have this cool opportunity to teach emotional regulation skills and reinforce positive behaviors from an early age, before they are looking for that attention," she says. These tactics will not only help you deal with toddler whining when it pops up, but hopefully also stop it from happening in the first place.

How to Stop Toddler Whining

Of course, occasional toddler whining is inevitable. It’s par for the course and completely normal. The key is to keep your cool and not condition them to think that whining is an acceptable means to get their way. Here’s what you can do to stop whining in its tracks.

1. Plan special one-on-one playtime

Proactively giving your kid attention is a great way to ward off whining before it even begins. DiPietro suggests setting aside 5 to 10 minutes each day (more is great if you can swing it) of special one-on-one playtime. Her suggestions? Set your phone (and other distractions!) aside so you can fully commit to the moment, refrain from using directive instructions or commands and let your child take the lead. Since language is an essential part of teaching emotional regulation, narrating your child’s actions during play can be helpful too. “When they develop language skills, they can identify first and foremost how they’re feeling, what the feelings are and, ultimately, what we can do about it," DiPietro says.

2. Praise the positive

All humans crave and respond well to positive reinforcement, and toddlers are no different. "If you’re seeing whining in your toddler, try catching moments when you see them using their words or staying calm,” says DiPietro. Avoid calling out the negatives and focus on the positives instead. “Offering specific praise is such an incredibly powerful tool to develop healthy communication patterns,” she says. Toddlers also appreciate what DiPietro calls “positive touch,” such as rubbing their back or giving a cuddle; this helps them feel more safe and secure.

3. Offer calm reassurance

It can be tough to stay serene when your toddler’s behavior is trying your patience, but remember that as adults, we need to act the part. “It’s our job to calmly step in and support toddlers as they are processing these big emotions,” says DiPietro. Along with offering support in the moment, you’re also showing your child what it looks like to keep your cool despite feeling frustrated. “You’re modeling the ability to stay calm. Things often don’t make sense to toddlers, and it can be incredibly difficult, but when we can physically stay present and model that calmness, it’s incredibly powerful—because children are little sponges and will do what we do,” says DiPietro.

4. Validate emotions

Toddlers may want things that don’t make sense, and sometimes they simply lack the understanding of why things can’t go their way. But even if you’re annoyed (or suppressing the urge to crack up laughing at the occasional ridiculousness of a whiny tantrum), it’s important to show your child that you’re naming and taking stock of their feelings. "Labeling a child’s emotions creates a sense of understanding and positive support,” says DiPietro.

5. Always underreact

Have you ever gotten visibly upset over your toddler’s whining, only to realize that your reaction made them complain or gripe even more? Your negative response can be fuel to the fire. Downplaying gracefully is the key to diffusing the situation, while simultaneously trying some of the suggestions above. “When we underreact to a child’s whining, we’re still providing reassurance and validation, but we’re not necessarily staying in that cycle of dysregulation,” says DiPietro. This segues nicely into the next tip.

6. Provide redirection

Unlike your tween or teen who might hold a grudge for weeks or months, toddlers are still in that delightful sweet spot where they can be easily distracted and don’t mind having their attention directed elsewhere. Once you’ve let your child know you hear their frustration, it’s time to move on. "Even a simple location change can help,” says DiPietro. You can offer a new toy or try a different activity to shift their focus.

7. Consider basic needs

Of course, even the most enticing redirection plan won’t work if your child is hungry, thirsty, tired or needs a diaper change. “Make sure you address these biological needs first,” advises DiPietro. Edwards also suggests that parents look at the big picture to see if there are routine tweaks that might be helpful: "Look to see when the whining occurs and whether there are patterns. For example, does it happen between meals when blood sugar is low? Does it occur more when they get a poor night’s sleep?” If you can identify a cycle, you might be able to improve your toddler’s mood and curb whining by giving them them what their body needs (more sleep, more fueling food, etc.).

8. Take care of yourself emotionally

Just like the airline staff tells you to put on your oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs, you also want to take care of your own emotional needs so you can best address those of your child. “Toddlers can be incredibly attuned to sensing the emotions of others, so we want to stay ahead of our emotions and notice when negative thought patterns creep in,” says DiPietro. You can utilize tried-and-true techniques such as deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation (best done when you have time to yourself) or the use of positive affirmations. It’s also helpful to start to share these techniques with your child—again, that modeling comes into play. “I’ve seen kids as young as 4 use positive self-talk that has never been taught to them, but that they’ve picked up from their parents,” she says.

What’s more, rather than rushing to respond to your toddler’s whining, take a moment to check in with yourself. “We can interrupt this knee-jerk negative reaction when we slow down,” says Edwards. Dipietro calls this a “reverse time out,” elaborating that a little physical distance can help. “Obviously this doesn’t mean leaving your child in an unsafe situation, but if you can step away, try taking just a few minutes for some deep breaths before returning,” she suggests.

Even if you employ all the proactive strategies and respond to behavior appropriately, whining will happen from time to time. It’s true that life with a toddler can feel like an emotional rollercoaster ride, so remember to show yourself and your little one grace and compassion. This phase will pass.

About the experts:

Jill DiPietro, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker at Small Brooklyn Psychology in New York City. She specializes in the diagnostic evaluation and treatment of children and adolescents. She has an advanced clinical social work degree with a specialization in mental health from Columbia University and holds a certification in parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT) by PCIT International.

Martha E. Edwards, PhD, is the founder and director of the Center for the Developing Child and Family at the Ackerman Institute for the Family in New York City.

Please note: The Bump and the materials and information it contains are not intended to, and do not constitute, medical or other health advice or diagnosis and should not be used as such. You should always consult with a qualified physician or health professional about your specific circumstances.

Plus, more from The Bump:

Toddler Discipline: Why Toddlers Act Out and What You Can Do About It

7 Weird Toddler Behaviors That Are Actually Normal

10 Best Toddler Cookbooks That Will Please the Pickiest Eaters

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