How to deal with a bully child

What Is Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems.

In order to be considered bullying, the behavior must be aggressive and include:

An Imbalance of Power: Kids who bully use their power—such as physical strength, access to embarrassing information, or popularity—to control or harm others. Power imbalances can change over time and in different situations, even if they involve the same people.
Repetition: Bullying behaviors happen more than once or have the potential to happen more than once.

Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumors, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.

Types of Bullying
Where and When Bullying Happens
Frequency of Bullying

Types of Bullying

There are three types of bullying:

Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes:
- Teasing
- Name-calling
- Inappropriate sexual comments
- Taunting
- Threatening to cause harm
Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes:
- Leaving someone out on purpose
- Telling other children not to be friends with someone
- Spreading rumors about someone
- Embarrassing someone in public
Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes:
- Hitting/kicking/pinching
- Spitting
- Tripping/pushing
- Taking or breaking someone’s things
- Making mean or rude hand gestures

Where and When Bullying Happens

Bullying can occur during or after school hours. While most reported bullying happens in the school building, a significant percentage also happens in places like on the playground or the bus. It can also happen travelling to or from school, in the youth’s neighborhood, or on the Internet.

Frequency of Bullying

There are two sources of federally collected data on youth bullying:

The 2019 School Crime Supplement to the National Crime Victimization Survey (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice) indicates that, nationwide, about 22% of students ages 12–18 experienced bullying.
The 2019 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that, nationwide, 19.5% of students in grades 9–12 report being bullied on school property in the 12 months preceding the survey.

How to Prevent Bullying | StopBullying.gov

Parents, school staff, and other caring adults have a role to play in preventing bullying. They can:

Help kids understand bullying. Talk about what bullying is and how to stand up to it safely. Tell kids bullying is unacceptable. Make sure kids know how to get help.
Keep the lines of communication open. Check in with kids often. Listen to them. Know their friends, ask about school, and understand their concerns.
Encourage kids to do what they love. Special activities, interests, and hobbies can boost confidence, help kids make friends, and protect them from bullying behavior.
Model how to treat others with kindness and respect.

Help Kids Understand Bullying

Kids who know what bullying is can better identify it. They can talk about bullying if it happens to them or others. Kids need to know ways to safely stand up to bullying and how to get help.

Encourage kids to speak to a trusted adult if they are bullied or see others being bullied. The adult can give comfort, support, and advice, even if they can’t solve the problem directly. Encourage the child to report bullying if it happens.
Talk about how to stand up to kids who bully. Give tips, like using humor and saying “stop” directly and confidently. Talk about what to do if those actions don’t work, like walking away
Talk about strategies for staying safe, such as staying near adults or groups of other kids.
Urge them to help kids who are bullied by showing kindness or getting help.
Watch the short webisodes and discuss them - PDF with kids.

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Research tells us that children really do look to parents and caregivers for advice and help on tough decisions. Sometimes spending 15 minutes a day talking can reassure kids that they can talk to their parents if they have a problem. Start conversations about daily life and feelings with questions like these:

What was one good thing that happened today? Any bad things?
What is lunch time like at your school? Who do you sit with? What do you talk about?
What is it like to ride the school bus?
What are you good at? What would do you like best about yourself?

Talking about bullying directly is an important step in understanding how the issue might be affecting kids. There are no right or wrong answers to these questions, but it is important to encourage kids to answer them honestly. Assure kids that they are not alone in addressing any problems that arise. Start conversations about bullying with questions like these:

What does “bullying” mean to you?
Describe what kids who bully are like. Why do you think people bully?
Who are the adults you trust most when it comes to things like bullying?
Have you ever felt scared to go to school because you were afraid of bullying? What ways have you tried to change it?
What do you think parents can do to help stop bullying?
Have you or your friends left other kids out on purpose? Do you think that was bullying? Why or why not?
What do you usually do when you see bullying going on?
Do you ever see kids at your school being bullied by other kids? How does it make you feel?
Have you ever tried to help someone who is being bullied? What happened? What would you do if it happens again?

Get more ideas for talking with children - PDF about life and about bullying. If concerns come up, be sure to respond.

There are simple ways that parents and caregivers can keep up-to-date with kids’ lives.

Read class newsletters and school flyers. Talk about them at home.
Check the school website
Go to school events
Greet the bus driver
Meet teachers and counselors at “Back to School” night or reach out by email
Share phone numbers with other kids’ parents

Teachers and school staff also have a role to play.

Encourage Kids to Do What They Love

Help kids take part in activities, interests, and hobbies they like. Kids can volunteer, play sports, sing in a chorus, or join a youth group or school club. These activities give kids a chance to have fun and meet others with the same interests. They can build confidence and friendships that help protect kids from bullying.

Model How to Treat Others with Kindness and Respect

Kids learn from adults’ actions. By treating others with kindness and respect, adults show the kids in their lives that there is no place for bullying. Even if it seems like they are not paying attention, kids are watching how adults manage stress and conflict, as well as how they treat their friends, colleagues, and families.

10 surefire ways to turn your child into a bully | BuyMama Moscow

Bullying, or bullying, is a serious problem in homes, yards and schools around the world. Many parents recognize that their children can be bullied by their peers and work hard to prevent this from happening. But it turns out that not many parents are ready to admit that it is their child who is the same bully.

Often children who bully others experience emotions that are expressed in aggressive behavior simply because they see that such behavior is effective. So they can get what they want.

The very first step for the parents of a bully is to recognize the fact itself. And then fight it.

10. Beat your children.

Child refuses to eat soup again? Made a tantrum? Pinch him more painfully so that he understands that this cannot be done.
What will it teach him? You can hit people when you're angry or upset.

9. Spousal abuse

Even if you do not beat children, but your partner allows himself to raise his hand against you, and the child sees this, then he will learn violence and aggression. The monkey sees - the monkey does.
Children who grow up in a home where spousal abuse occurs believe that this is a normal way to deal with their emotions.

8. Insults and threats

When mom or dad screams in a fit of anger: "You're useless!" "You are a bad girl!" "You're silly!" "Stupid!" "Why aren't you as smart as your brother?!" "You will never learn anything!"
These insults and threats do not leave marks on the body, but they leave emotional scars. Children take such words seriously, because their parents say it.
What will it teach him? First, with your insults, you can greatly expand your child's vocabulary. Secondly, he will learn to deal with his emotions with yelling and insults. This is also bullying, also hooligan behavior.

7. Neglect your children

Sometimes ignoring a child can be an effective way to deal with a tantrum. After all, it teaches that what they are doing is not working. And that they are more likely to get a positive response if they approach the situation calmly. However, there is a rather thin line between ignoring a child and completely neglecting it.
Neglect of a child is a complete disregard for his needs. This can hurt the child because among his basic needs is the need for love and attention from parents. To achieve this attention, children may engage in bad behavior, as it is much more likely to elicit at least some kind of parental reaction.

6. Scold other people

You may not hit your children, your partner may not hit you. Maybe you do not insult the child and do not threaten him. Maybe you radiate positivity and love.
However, be careful not to scold or insult other people, especially in the presence of a child.
If a child hears his mother calling a colleague at work fat, or his father says that your neighbor is a terrorist because he is a Muslim. After all, it teaches children to treat people who are not like him bad.
It is important to be aware of your biases and try not to pass them on to your children. Teach your child to understand others. This will make the world a better place.

5. Don't listen to children

When a child does something wrong, the automatic response is punishment. While this may help discipline the child, it is also important to listen. Talk to them about their behavior and then listen to what they have to say. Of course, the child will not always have a good reason. After all, he is still a child.
And even outside the context of discipline, make time for the child, talk to him. In this way, he knows that he is appreciated and therefore he learns to appreciate others.
Compare this to a child who is not being listened to, who is simply being punished, whose thoughts are not appreciated. A child who is not listened to will not listen to others.

4. Reward macho behavior

Tell boys not to cry, not to act like a girl. They should like guns and cars, no dolls, no "girly" things.
Many parents do not know this, but it is this kind of upbringing that makes boys the bullies on the playground.
It's not that the child wants to offend someone. He believes that he must act in this way. Things like being sensitive, listening to others, that's for girls. The boy must act.
It would be better to avoid these gender stereotypes in education.

3. Obsession with material things

Don't get us wrong, having a lot of material stuff is great. But material things should not take precedence over other, more important things, such as respect, discipline, honesty, and kindness.
When children learn this, it will make them good people. And then it won't matter that Katya's notebook is prettier than hers. And Sasha has collected a complete set of Avengers figurines. It will be possible not to envy them, it will be possible not to intimidate them, not to try to take away what you do not have.

2. Forget about teaching basic social skills

All children should be taught basic social skills. They include the standard "please" and "thank you", "hello" and "sorry".
However, learning how to become a decent person does not end there.
It is also important to teach children about respect and boundaries. Teach them not to touch anyone without permission. And in turn, no one should touch them without permission. Such upbringing not only teaches them not to become bullies, but also helps them learn to respect themselves and others.

1. Forget discipline

Discipline is an important part of raising a child. But this is easy to forget if we want children to love us. Keep in mind that a parent's job is not to be nice and loved. It is about educating.
You can forget about discipline, but this will affect not only the short-term behavior of the child, but also his future as a whole.
Good discipline is a way to teach a child control. He will begin to understand that he will not always get what he wants. That he sometimes has to wait his turn. This will upset him, but over time he will learn to control his emotions.

How to re-educate a bully

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Expert advice
3-7 years
7-12 years
teenager

At the parent-teacher meeting of the third grade, the teacher emotionally talks about the fact that one of the students constantly disrupts lessons, violates discipline, offends classmates, does not respond to teachers' comments. “Just a hooligan,” the teacher states and angrily looks at the woman sitting at the first desk. Tears well up in my mother's eyes, and it is clear that at home she cannot cope with the little mischievous one.

Who is a hooligan

Often, when evaluating children, adults do not even think about how much their hasty conclusions can harm the child. The teacher declares the child a humanist, and the mother excludes engineering professions from a possible future, and no one analyzes that the features of teaching mathematics do not correspond to the level of perception of the child. So the concept of "hooligan" quite easily "clings" to the child. But is it?

Two types of teenagers are hidden under the label "hooligan":

A child who does not hear the persuasions of adults, does not show respect for them, ignores appeals, shows aggression towards peers, commits antisocial acts. It is clear that such a child, sooner or later, will fall under the supervision of law enforcement agencies.
A child who does not obey the general requirements, does not obey adults, violates discipline. At the same time, he does not show aggression, and his actions are more like mischief.

The main difference between these types is motivation. The first type of children performs actions with the aim of harming, offending, securing their status. The second type often acts in a certain way out of boredom. Younger teenagers, in the absolute majority, belong to the second type of hooligans.

Why a child misbehaves

• Low level of school maturity

The Law on Education recommends entering the first grade from 6 years 6 months to 8 years. Children come to school with different levels of school maturity: not everyone is able to absorb information for 45 minutes, some simply cannot concentrate for a long time, others do not have logical thinking, and still others have a high need for physical activity.

The mechanism of violation of discipline by such children is rather simple. They get distracted, lose the thread of events, are left alone with their thoughts. An immature brain does not give a signal that you need to delve into and “catch up” with classmates. It defines a pause in the activity that needs to be occupied with something. Someone quietly draws, and someone attracts attention by pampering. At the same time, it’s boring to sit alone, you need to gather like-minded people around you, but it’s better to distract the whole class from the lessons.

It is important to understand that the child does not have any malicious intent, and banal pulling of pigtails or tying to a chair do not have aggressive motivation. The goal is not to study.

• Lack of interest

Lack of interest and school immaturity are not identical. A child with a high level of school maturity may lose interest in learning activities. Perhaps the level of pedagogical skill of the teacher is quite low, and monotonous inexpressive speech negatively affects the interest in learning. You can compare this situation with reading an uninteresting book. Few adults are able to finish reading a boring article or story to the end, unless such reading is connected with another motivation, for example, professional.

And again a well-known mechanism: I'm not interested, I'm bored, so I need to keep myself occupied with something.

An interesting fact is that in both cases the children react to the remarks of adults, sincerely feel guilty, but cannot control their behavior. They become bored and uninterested again, and the mechanism of bad behavior starts up again.

• Hyperactivity

In hyperactive children, there is a discrepancy between the speed of excitation and inhibition processes, with the former predominating. Children instantly react to any irritants, and excitability is inhibited quite difficult. In addition, the body of these children has an increased need for movement. Thus, at any moment, arousal may occur, accompanied by high motor activity.

Hyperactive children often cause negative reactions in individual teachers, but their behavior is physiologically determined. No comments can make a child behave calmly. The child is able to control his motor activity only for a short period of time.

• Demonstration

This type of behavior is due to the unconscious desire of the child to draw attention to himself. It is possible that he would gladly become the best student in the class, attract attention to himself with good grades or better answers, but this is quite difficult. Therefore, the child attracts attention in the ways available to him: violation of discipline, disobedience to the teacher. If it is impossible to attract the attention of the teacher directly, then he will definitely do it through his peers, drawing them into his actions, for example, he will pinch the girl sitting in front so that she squeals at her, and then at him, everyone pays attention.

• Bad manners

Bad upbringing is often the cause of children's mischief and hooliganism. Children are simply not familiar with the norms of behavior and do not accept them. Often they follow the rules of conduct only out of fear of being punished. Thus, correct behavior is not arbitrary. Of course, parents and teachers tell children how to behave. But if the entire period of preschool childhood this information consisted only in conversations and was not supported by disciplinary methods (encouragement and punishment), then one should not expect compliance with the rules at school age.

Re-educating a bully

Most parents make the mistake of treating "bullying" as a temporary phase and hoping that everything will normalize on its own with time. Of course, you can justify the behavior of your beloved child with physiological and psychological characteristics, but this will not correct the situation. If a child allows himself hooliganism at school, then you need to immediately take measures to educate him, or rather, re-educate him.

In this case, you need to be patient, as the process may be delayed.

Express your displeasure to your child. Even if the reason for bad behavior lies in physiology, express your negative attitude to your child about his misconduct.
Do not discuss other children or teachers in front of your child, teach your children to be responsible for their own actions. Tell me how you were ashamed, unpleasant or hurt. Ask how difficult it is for him to control himself. Let the child understand how upset you are with his behavior.
Demand answers. One of the most important techniques is to ask questions and demand answers. You don't threaten, you don't intimidate, you ask. Let the child explain why he pulled the girl's pigtail, was rude to the teacher, etc. If this is a single case, then the situation can be smoothed out, and if it repeats, then you should get to the bottom of the causes of hooliganism:
- Do you think we don't love you?
- Do you like a girl and hurt her?
- You don't love your parents?
- You don't respect the teacher?
Questions should contain hints of an emotional attitude to what is happening. Don't let it slip away. Teach children to be responsible for their actions.
Conversation of three parties. The teacher and the child may not have the same view of what is happening. Therefore, it is simply necessary to organize joint meetings of parents, the child and the teacher in order to find out all the nuances, as well as the degree of reliability of the presentation of the facts by the parties. The main thing is to understand the situation in order to take the necessary measures.
Remember your childhood. Imagine that you were the victim of a class bully, or you yourself were a bully at school. Remember your feelings and emotions and convey them to the child.
Disciplinary actions. If none of the arguments work, then punishment should be applied. Of course, we are by no means talking about physical impact, but punishment measures must be considered. This is unpleasant for the child, but he must learn to respect the feelings of others. You can punish by depriving the child of what he loves: computer games, communication in social networks, etc. Doesn't he like this arrangement? Do you like the constant misconduct of a child?

Popular wisdom says that up to 3 years of age children are brought up, and then they are re-educated. Behavioral problems at school are the result of mistakes in upbringing at an earlier age.