How to build trust with a child

8 Ways to Build (and Keep) Trust with Your Kids :: YummyMummyClub.ca

The concept of trust is a complicated one. It can take years to build, moments to shatter, and the presence or absence of it strongly affects a person’s happiness in life. To trust more is to worry less, and to worry less usually means to be less anxious and less coiled into a knot.

Parents have a significant role in how their children develop trust. We have the opportunity to really start our children off with a full trust tank. (We don’t need to feel pressure about doing this “wrong,” as long as there is a continual uphill growth, the odd blip in trust development can be tolerated.)

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Trust is generally defined as a positive belief in the good within people and the world. When we think of trust, words like “integrity” or “character” come to mind—we expect a person or thing to be reliable, truthful, and have the ability to do what it claims to do.

How trust develops as a child grows is based on a concept called positive core beliefs. I explain more about those and their opposing negative beliefs in this post. Positive core beliefs are the set of phrases we tell ourselves based on how we interpret other people’s actions and how the world works. Those interpretations are influenced the most by how adults interact with us early in life.

In order to foster the development of the positive core beliefs that grow trust, keep these eight actions in mind:

Listening is different than hearing—listening is an action. To listen to a child means to recognize their words, but more importantly to seek to really understand his or her underlying message. For example, when a child says “I hate you, Mommy!” she isn’t saying “I hate you,” she is more likely saying something like, “I am mad that you are making me go to daycare instead of spending the day with you.”

We can show children we are listening by paraphrasing their words back to them, staying focused on feeling words. “Are you telling me that you are angry we have to be apart? You know what, I’m feeling sad to be away with you. You, too?” (pause) “When I see you after circle time, let’s figure out a way to miss each other less during the day.” (attachment bridge)

The positive core belief growing here is (PCB): My parent hears me. Speaking up is important.

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Attuning is taking listening even deeper; it is anticipating your child’s needs based on verbal and nonverbal cues. It is knowing that a melting-down child, for example, really needs to sleep so instead of unleashing punishments for lashing out, your focus in on calming your child, and figuring out a way to get him or her horizontal. 

PCB: My needs are important. My parent gets me.

People learn a lot about a person’s intention by focusing on their eyes. When speaking to a child, get down and gently look into his or her eyes. Let your child see what sincerity looks like.

PCB: Connecting is important and safe.

Children will automatically verbally or nonverbally ask for help, as long as they believe (trust) those pleas will be answered. In order to grow trust and continue your child’s openness, requests for help need to be answered to the best of your ability.

Also respond to emotional statements with validation and support. When a child says, “I’m scared,” use words to show your child you will help keep her safe—“I can see why you’d be afraid of the dark. Let’s figure out a way to help you with that.”

Avoid using invalidation like this, “Oh, monsters aren’t real. You’re being afraid for no reason.” That might inadvertently grow a negative core belief like: My feelings are wrong (which they aren’t).

PCB: Speaking up works—people will help me. Feelings are normal and not too scary. When I am overwhelmed, I can ask for help.

Follow through with what you tell your child you will be doing. Part of keeping promises is to not use them to reduce your guilt or instead of saying “no.” Promise what is reasonable and within your ability to (restfully) complete. Be reliable.

PCB: Keeping your word is important. My parents will do what they say.

Get in the habit of not using white lies with your children. This helps children match verbal and nonverbal communication, reducing confusion. It also helps little ones understand what positive moral ethics are.

PCB: Being truthful is important. People need to believe us.

You might be wondering how this affects trust—it actually does quite a bit. When a child can trust things happen in a certain order, the brain can relax, staying out of fight-or-flight mode.

Routines and consistency also help reduce conflict, as the child will get to futility quicker. For example, when pushing for “ten more minutes” a child is likely to give up whining if she knows you are going to calmly say, “It would be fun to have ten more minutes but that will put us in the late zone. When this song is over, it is time for us to put our boots on.” (I used a schedule cue, when/ then and transition signal in this instruction.)

Consistency also reduces “crazy making:” when a person expects a certain response, (s)he can grow a sense of fairness in it. When we feel we are being treated fairly, we can let our guard down.

The setting and holding of boundaries grows a slightly different type of trust: a strong belief that a parent will uphold safety and integrity. Children might get upset when you set a boundary like No hitting, but as that child grows, realizing you are also stopping him from being hit by others, he will appreciate this firm line.

PCB: I can relax: I know what is coming. My parent is keeping me safe.

Parents (myself included!) will make mistakes. Being open about our shortcomings, fears, and struggles helps our children trust that doing so is safe to do. Volunteering information to your child teaches him/ her how to do the same. As you do this, talk about how to volunteer information to people beyond your family in a way that is safe: how to not over share, increasing your risk for predatory behaviour of others.

PCB: Sharing my feelings is a safe thing to do. Mistakes are okay--we don't have to try to be perfect.

If you have grown up without a strong trust foundation, you are certainly not alone. I know it can be very hard to demonstrate trust to your children when you have a hard time believing it yourself. If you realize gaining more trust is a personal goal of yours, I encourage you to seek out the help of a mental health professional in your neighbourhood.

I continually post free parenting information on my Facebook page, which I invite you to read (and chime in on). If you are looking for resources to dig more deeply into this topic, I will be suggesting some there shortly, so be sure to come visit!

Ways to Build Trust Between Parents and Teens

Healthy, supportive relationships are built on trust. Trust is the belief in someone or something’s ability, strength, truth or reliability. 

Trust in a relationship takes time to build and requires both people actively work to maintain it. It’s also a two-way street: you place your trust in another individual and ask that they place their trust in you. 

For a parent and child, trust is a foundation that benefits both people:

• For kids and teens, knowing their parents trust them can deepen their sense of safety in the world, support their self-esteem and confidence as they try new things, and assure them they have someone to go to when things don’t go according to plan.  
• For parents and caregivers, having a trusting relationship with your child means you’re more likely to have an open dialogue and a strong relationship. Trust can lead to upfront conversations where you can be your child’s sounding board or support system, instead of your child catching you off-guard through lies or going around your back.

So how do you begin building a trusting relationship in a family? And what do you do when trust is broken, and you need to regain trust between a parent and a teenager?

Here are some tips for building trust that parents and teens can use to create supportive relationships:

Tips for Parents: Ways to Build Trust with a Teen

Ask open-ended questions.
When talking with your kid or teen, ask open-ended questions that encourage them to add their thoughts and how they’re feeling. By doing this, you’ll begin establishing an open dialogue with your child where they know you’re interested in what they have to say and there is space for them to share when they’re ready.

Give specific encouragement.
Encourage these open conversations and deepen your teen’s trust by pointing to specific things in the conversation and sharing how you might feel or experience some of these things too. Validate their feelings and how their sharing is important to you (“I feel sad like that, too, sometimes. In fact, last week, I felt like that when [event happened]. I appreciate you being so open with me”) and encourage them to describe their plans and feelings (“So what do you think you’ll do next when it comes to [topic]?”). 

Show your child that you’re trustworthy, too (and recognize when you make a mistake).
Remember, trust is a two-way street. Modeling behavior is one of the biggest influences a parent has in the life of a child. Be an accountable partner in a trusting relationship by doing what you’ll say you’ll do and being honest about your own thoughts, feelings and mistakes. When you go against your word, be upfront and tell your teen about it, share that you recognize the consequences, and apologize if needed. An example might be: “I know what you shared with me the other day was private. It was on my mind today and I told your grandma without thinking, which wasn’t fair to you. I wanted to let you know and I’m sorry – next time I will be more thoughtful about what I share, because it’s really important to me that I honor what you’d like to keep private.” 

Give your teen opportunities to be independent.
Parents often worry about decisions their child will make in the world, but a trusting and supportive relationship can’t be one that’s under lock and key. Give your teenager chances to be independent and feel the trust you’ve bestowed in them. If there’s a specific thing you’re worried about – like your teen being sexually active with their significant other or starting social media accounts without your knowledge – address that specific worry with your teen, talk through scenarios and how they would act, and above all let them know you’re there to support them. After all…

In good times and bad, be on their team.
As a parent or caregiver, a key to building trust with kids or teens is to always be on their team, no matter what. Even if it’s a tough issue, you’ll work it out together. When your teen knows you’re on their team, they’re more likely to share choices and decisions before making them. But even if they don’t, they’re more likely to come to you afterward. Being on your teen’s team doesn’t mean there are no consequences for bad decisions, but it does mean that you’re in a trusting parent-and-child relationship that doesn’t change when circumstances shift.

Tips for Teens: Ways to Build Trust with a Parent

Tell your parent what you need.
To establish a trusting relationship with your parent, let them know what you need from them, especially when it comes to having open conversations. Sometimes your parent may not realize they’re doing something that makes you self-conscious or worried about talking to them. This may be something like: “[Mom/Dad/Caregiver], I want to be able to tell you about some things I’m thinking about. But I worry about how you’ll react. Whenever I bring up [topic] you gasp or interrupt me, which makes me shut down. Can we figure out a way for me to share things without you reacting right away, then we talk it out? I want to be able to talk with you openly.”

Strive to be honest.
One of the biggest things teens can do to earn their parents’ trust is to be honest with them. By being honest with them, you give them a peek into your world so that they have a general understanding of how you’re doing, when you’re doing great and when you might need their help. There will be times you slip up or make a mistake, and in those instances it’s best to be upfront and honest with your parent. Lying or omitting things is a quick way to break someone’s trust, and even more so when parents find out from someone who isn’t you.

Tell them how much their trust is important to you.
Parents are not mind-readers and many spend a lot of time worrying about their kids and the decisions they make. When your parent places their trust in you to stay at home by yourself, spend time with a significant other, or use technology like social media, tell your parent what this means to you. This might be: “[Mom/Dad/Caregiver], I just wanted to say thank you for letting me [activity]. I know it’s not easy for you to do, but I really loved feeling independent and it means a lot to me that you trust me.”

How to rebuild trust with your teenager (or your parent)

In most relationships, there are times when trust is tested. Rules are broken, mistakes are made and feelings are hurt. During the teenage years, parents and teens may find navigating trust tricky as teens feel ready to be more independent.

If a parent or teen breaks the trust in their relationship, here are some considerations as you work to regain trust:

• Talk it out.
  Lean back into that open dialogue and discuss what happened, how both of you feel about it, consequences, etc.


• Know that regaining trust takes time and consistency. 
  Sometimes, you’re going back to square one on building trust. By showing consistently your commitment to getting back to a trusting, supportive relationship, you’ll slowly get there – but it’ll take time for the other person to trust you again. Keep trying and stay consistent.


• Give chances but reaffirm boundaries and consequences.
  Going from a trusting relationship with freedom to a non-trusting relationship with lots of rules or restrictions, hostile treatment, etc. can make a bad situation worse. Give the person who broke your trust opportunities to be successful in regaining it but remind them of boundaries and consequences.


• Spend quality time together.
  While regaining trust between a parent and teen takes time, one of the best ways to heal after trust is broken is spending time together doing something you both enjoy. Take a pause from navigating the situation and emotions, and dedicate some time to having fun together.

Building trust with your child is a two-way street that will help create a mutually beneficial supportive relationship.

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10 Ways to Build Trust with Children

The concept of trust is complex, and it is especially difficult to build such a relationship with a child. The ability to trust yourself and others is at the heart of any good relationship, and you can begin to build your child's sense of trust as early as infancy by responding to their physical and emotional needs.

As the child grows, you can try to increase his ability to trust. To do this, you need to try to create a favorable environment in which you listen to children and keep your promises.

Why build trust with children?

General building trust with your child comes down to thinking about what helps you build trust with the important people around you. When we think of trust, words like "honesty" or "character" come to mind - we expect a person or thing to be trustworthy, truthful, and capable of doing what it claims to do.

In addition, a trusting relationship between children and parents makes it possible to avoid overly strict and even abusive upbringing, minimize quarrels in the family and reduce parents' anxiety for their children.

How can I try to build trust between parents and children?

1. Listen

Listening to a child means not only recognizing his words, but, more importantly, trying to really understand him or see the main idea between the lines. For example, when he says: "I hate you, mom!", he does not mean this terrible strong feeling, he rather says something like: "I'm angry that you make me go to kindergarten or school. "

Communication is the cornerstone of trust. The more you talk openly with your child, the better your relationship will develop. Take time to talk with the children. Ask their opinion about something. Listen with love, compassion and without judgment.

2. Use eye contact

People learn a lot about a person's intentions by focusing on their eyes. When talking to a child, lean over and carefully look into his eyes. Let him see that you are sincere with him.

One of the best ways to gain a child's trust is to listen when they have something to say. No matter what you do, make eye contact and show a genuine interest in what your child is saying to you, and this will be an important step towards trust.

3. Be Honest

This advice seems obvious, but many parents forget the important thing, honesty. Of course, you need to maintain an age-appropriate level of frankness, but if you are always honest with your child, he will begin to trust you naturally, without much effort. Better to answer 100 questions than risk breaking trust.

Get into the habit of not using lies for the benefit of your children. This helps children combine verbal and non-verbal communication, reducing confusion. It will also enable them to understand what a positive moral ethic is. If the child does not yet need to know some information, just do not say it, but do not resort to outright lies. Yes, even about storks and cabbages.

4. Set a routine and take care of boundaries

This item has a significant effect on trust, although, at first glance, it does not relate to the topic. Routines and consistency help to reduce conflicts, as the child quickly learns that his attempts to resist are useless. For example, when he insists on "another ten minutes", he will calm down faster if the parent calmly answers: "It would be nice to have ten more minutes to spare, but because of them we will be late."

Consistency also reduces anxiety: when a child expects a certain reaction from a parent, he may develop a sense of justice. When we feel we are being treated fairly, we can let our guard down, which is the key to trust.

Setting and respecting boundaries leads to a slightly different type of trust: the firm belief that the parent will maintain the safety and integrity of the child's life.

5. Be open

Being open about parental shortcomings, fears and difficulties helps children to believe that all this is safe and not scary at all. Nothing builds trust like admitting one's mistakes. There are no ideal parents, and the sooner this realization comes, the easier it will be to build trusting relationships with children. If you made a mistake, apologize to the child and let him know how sorry you are.

6. Don't make promises

Promises to children should be avoided, especially on the spur of the moment, as they are often difficult to keep. Sometimes there are situations in which you have to change plans; if you didn’t promise something, these changes are easier to explain.

On the other hand, if you have already promised something to your child, do it. An important part of keeping promises is not to use them to lessen your guilt or instead of saying no. Promise only what sounds reasonable and what you can safely complete. Be a reliable parent.

Children from birth trust their parents. The more often you change your mind or do not follow through on what you promised, the less reliable you become in the eyes of children. The child needs to know that his parents will always try to keep their promises.

7. Be careful

In the era of social networks, children become even more fragile morally - any public shame can cause bullying on social networks and even beyond. Although children may need discipline, making a show out of punishment is a bad idea. In fact, such actions can destroy any trust you have built with your child. In addition, he will not be able to feel safe anywhere.

Total: it is better to leave all educational processes to the house. Few things destroy a child's contact with a parent so thoroughly as a public censure by him of his own child.

8. Be a role model

A child observes everything his parents do: this helps form his opinion about whether an adult is trustworthy. It is very important that you model the behavior that you want your children to practice.

For example, if you expect your child to make the bed every day, you should also make the bed every day. If you expect him to speak respectfully to others, you should do the same. The more often children see that you adhere to the values ​​and rules that you teach them, the more they will trust you.

9.

Trust in a relationship goes both ways, and by acknowledging your child and empathizing with him, you teach him that no matter what he does, you will always near. This means that he can be given a little more responsibility.

Trust him to fold your clothes, do the dishes, or help you cook. Don't always expect success and try not to overreact if he accidentally breaks a glass and rumples a freshly ironed shirt. Skill development is a long process, but by empowering you show your child that you trust him. You may get upset about something, but it is important to always let him know that you have full confidence in his ability to make the right choice in the future.

10. Respect your child's need for privacy

Trust also means that you respect your child's right to some privacy (unless it is necessary to intervene urgently). Sometimes he may not want to talk about everything that happens in his life, and you need to come to terms with it. Maybe one day your child won't want to talk about school or what they did on a date. This is an iron rule: when he has a personal life, it should be personal. If he wants, he will tell.

If you have no reason to believe that there is something that needs to be discussed, you can let the child have a part of his life that is separate from you. At this stage of development, it is necessary for him to feel a positive sense of separation from you as he forms his "I".

Positive parenting methods work well to raise children with discipline and high moral values, and this is every parent's dream. However, this is no easy feat. And it is important to know that the relationship between parents and children is a two-way street, in other words, it is actually a partnership between a parent and their child.

Have a good relationship with your children, harmony and mutual understanding.

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Loss of contact with the child

Obedience and good grades at school are not an indicator of harmonious relationships. If we do not know what our children love, what they fear, who they are friends with, and how they develop relationships with classmates, then we have something to think about. Of course, any contact begins with dialogue , but you need to understand that dialogue is not an interrogation or notation. If a parent does not show respect for the position of the child (especially in adolescence), then you should not be surprised if the child begins to move away.

Respect for boundaries is another essential component of a trusting relationship. Our children are not extensions of us, and the older they are, the more important personal space is for them. You should not clean up a teenager’s room without asking, throw away his things and read personal correspondence.

Does your child listen to stupid music and dress ridiculously? Well, when else would he do it, if not now?! Accept the otherness of your favorite teenager and “grow your zen” 🙂 Believe me, the child will be very grateful for your trust and respect.

Psychological pressure and abuse

Psychological abuse can take many forms. Unfortunately, in our childhood, few people thought about the issues of psychology, and now we, by inertia, are dragging dangerous models of relationships into our families.

Remember these tricks and try not to use them:

• Cultivating guilt. Insults, humiliation, negative assessments of the personality.
  "Hands in the wrong place!", "What do you look like?!", "Disgrace!"
• Threats, blackmail, manipulation.
  “If so, then don’t expect anything good from me either!”, “You are no longer my son/daughter!”
• Boycott, isolation.
  A very severe form of violence. Rejection by loved ones = small death.
• Comparison with others.
  One of the main principles of maintaining self-respect says “You should only compare yourself with yourself yesterday. Comparison with others devalues ​​a person." Apply this principle to your child as well.
• Frightening behavior (shouting, waving, etc.).
• Gaslighting
  Instilling the feeling that the child is not all right, that he is inadequate.
• Restriction of autonomy.
  Here we are not talking about household duties, but about personal interests - the right to choose a hobby, hobbies.
• Neglect of needs.
  Confidence that the child is "subhuman" and that his needs are less important than those of adult family members.

Self assessment

A child's self-esteem is made up of our assessments. Of course, no one specifically seeks to instill complexes and fears in children. However, often our words do not motivate, but only hurt. How to direct and prompt without offending? Please remember the formula.

Critical Feedback Formula
70% “You can already do a lot” + 10% of a clearly defined goal + 20% “I believe in you” . After - give specific feasible tasks and back up with your own confidence in success.