Vladislav,

born in 2002

code 5005

Help the child find a family

Khanty-Mansiysk 2013

Adopted child in the family

The period of adaptation of family life when adopting a child is quite difficult. On the one hand, it may seem that the main thing is just to love a child, and then all problems and difficulties will be solved by themselves. But it is not so. The fact is that in the case of a foster child, there are some differences that make adaptation and family life special. And here it is important not only to love the child, but also to have the necessary information and knowledge.

It must be remembered that a difficult event happened in the life of every adopted child - he lost his family and parents. Very young children (up to a year or two) may not remember this consciously, but, nevertheless, all this leaves a mark on their lives: they may develop an attachment disorder, often a developmental lag. Older children, as a rule, experience severe stress, fear, pain of losing one of the foundations of their lives. All this cannot but affect not only their development, but also their psychological state, perception of the world and themselves in it.

That is why it is important for adoptive parents to have not only love for the child and a general positive attitude, but also certain knowledge, as well as a willingness to accept the help of specialists.

Attachment problems

Prospective adoptive parents or guardians need to be aware of attachment disorders that occur in foster children. These violations are the root of many problematic situations, so if a parent understands what is happening with his adopted child, then it is easier for him to maintain self-control himself, as well as find an approach to the child and solve problems that arise.

Attachment is the desire to maintain and maintain an intimate relationship with another person. This is a need for closeness, communication, trust. It has been scientifically proven that emotional warmth affects the development of children. The care and participation of an adult allows the child to learn from adults, to trust both people and the world as such. If a small child has not had the experience of long-term close relationships with one person, or these relationships have been interrupted several times and not restored, then his ability to maintain attachment is reduced or lost, in connection with which, for example, the following situations may arise:

• child provokes, deliberately irritates parents, tests for strength;
• the child may not allow a trusting relationship with any adult at all. He is closed, emotionally cold. He is not aggressive, but avoids intimate relationships;
• the child is either rude and provokes, or behaves in exactly the opposite way - looking for affection and attention;
• the child deliberately violates boundaries, does not feel sympathy, prefers to be feared. In these cases, violent and destructive actions can be observed;
• the child is looking for mom and dad in all the surrounding people, ready to be affectionate with everyone. Quality here is replaced by quantity.

Typically, the behavior of a child with an attachment disorder can be classified into one of the types described above. Parents need to know that almost all of them are corrected, but it takes time, patience, and sometimes the help of specialists. Situations with cruel, destructive behavior of a child require separate control, because it is especially difficult to achieve the socialization of such a child.

Is it necessary to tell the child about the birth family?

Whether to tell a child about his biological parents, and how to do it - this question worries almost all adoptive parents. On the one hand, it may seem that talking about blood parents will bring up sad or unpleasant memories, and adoptive parents avoid this. But if you do not talk about something, this does not mean that the child will not think about it, and the situation as such will not change.

The first question is whether it is worth telling the child at all that he is adopted. This question, as a rule, arises in the case of the adoption of very young children who cannot yet consciously remember their parents.

If you answer this question briefly, then the adoption specialists say unequivocally - yes, the child needs to be informed. And this is confirmed by decades of practice and thousands of families in which difficulties arose precisely because of attempts to keep a secret.

Some adoptive parents are trying to create a mystery, and the mystery shrouds many relatives and friends of the family. Growing up children often already guess that they are not being told something. Cases when the secret nevertheless becomes clear occur frequently, but the consequences of this for a child (at any age, even an adult) are very difficult. He suffers from a sense of trust in the world, belonging to his family. Family conflicts arise, sometimes very difficult. There may even be a break with foster parents on an emotional wave. Therefore, telling the child about his birth parents in time and correctly is the way to ensure that the child accepts this situation in the least painful way.

The sooner this is done, the better. A small child will take it for granted, and then just gradually grow up with it. Maybe he will remember this very rarely. But in any case, this information will no longer be a shock to him and in itself will not be an obstacle to the formation of close relationships with the foster family.

If the adoptive parents feel some kind of inconvenience, fear, shame to talk about it, then it is better to first deal with their feelings and their cause. As a rule, in all guardianship authorities there are schools for adoptive parents, where psychologists specialize in these topics. Other psychological services can also be consulted. The main thing is that the adoptive mother or father can regain confidence and calmness.

Three stages of adaptation

There are three conditional stages that a family goes through after adopting a child.

First - idealization

Both the child and the adoptive parents see their future life in a rainbow light. Everyone tries to please each other. This is an important stage, and high expectations somewhat smooth out the change of environment for the child and help to establish contact.

In no more than a month or two, inevitable conflicts appear, because the child has to adapt to new rules, and parents have to change their lives. And the next stage begins...

Adaptation in the family

Now the child can already demonstrate the fear of attachment to new people, and test the new rules for strength, and intensely yearn for a birth family or a children's institution. Children may not obey, show aggression.

Here, the adoptive parents will need maximum patience, perseverance, flexibility, the ability to build a dialogue, to seek compromises. This stage lasts about 6 months, and as a result, a sense of community and trust should appear in the family.

After this conflicting and difficult period, as a rule, a more stable state sets in, when the child has integrated into the new routine, and the family has accepted the child. At this stage, you can talk with the child about his past, create new family traditions and rules.

Tips for adapting a child to a foster family

Comfort and support

Almost all children who leave orphanages experience a feeling of sadness. They may worry about the loss of their blood family, and about parting with friends from the orphanage that has become familiar, and simply about the difficulty of adapting to a new place. Parents need to be given the opportunity to cry out, express their feelings, and at the same time be there, try to calm the child and show their support, care and attention.

Daily routine and new rules

It is difficult for a child to adapt, so you need to explain the new rules, the daily routine as clearly, in detail, calmly as possible. About what will happen on each day of the week. This certainty will help the child feel more confident and calm.

Adults need to help and support the child. Help to pack for school, plan a schedule.

Physical health care, clothing and personal effects

It is advisable to take into account the child's preferences in food, find out what he likes. Help him fall asleep in the evening, be with him. Maybe he is not used to sleeping in a room alone - then you can temporarily turn on the night light, open the door or sleep with him in the room. Such simple care can greatly facilitate the adaptation of the child.

Waiting for the return love of a foster child

Parents can take the initiative in their affection, care, expression of love and warmth, but not wait for a response from the child. It is quite normal that it will not appear immediately. The manifestation of your feelings must also be monitored - for example, if hugs are unpleasant for a child, you can simply take his hand first.

Memories of a Child

The child may yearn for his past. If he does not remember it, he can invent fictitious facts. It is important for a child to have an idea about his past, and some children from the orphanage have absolutely no information other than the name of the parent and place of residence. It appears as if there is a gap, an empty space. And this is bad for the formation of the psyche of the child.

It is for this purpose that the foster family can create collages, pictures and even fictitious photo albums, which will contain everything that in one way or another concerned the life of the child. Pictures of his city, pictures of what his parents might have looked like. And in this story of his life there will be the moment of his appearance in a new family and photographs of his growing up.

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