Stories of women who became mothers

I'm almost 40 and still can't decide if I want to have another baby. I already have two children, and I can say for sure that only in fairy tales and on Instagram is it easy and simple. It all starts with worries about how the pregnancy will go, fears for your own health and for the future baby, fears about childbirth, the horror that you might not cope, you will do something wrong. You understand that life with the birth of a child will never be the same again, you are afraid that not everything will work out perfectly and immediately, that you will not be able to financially stretch the family.

Positive pregnancy test. Photo of 2014, then the last time I experienced a whole storm of emotions Photo: Yulia Skorobogatova

The future problems of upbringing and, of course, gardens, circles, school, institute are also frightening. .. Such thoughts arise as soon as you see a positive pregnancy test result. But maybe it's all just my feelings? I decided to find the answer to this question by observing pregnant women in order to understand how their life in the position has changed and how they feel.

All the girls, except for me, were pregnant at the time of the shooting.

Irina, 43 years old. Miron, 10 months old

My baby is rather late. The first child, long-awaited. I was very prepared for pregnancy and childbirth. Thank God everything went well. But at the same time, when he was born, I did not understand at all what to do with him: how to care for him, how to communicate, how to develop, what he can and cannot do. Such helplessness, confusion completely disarmed me.

It [was] the same after childbirth. Well, for example, I came to the Tretyakov Gallery with a baby in a sling, they told me in line: “Where are you going?” The child is on my chest, I am in a sling, I don’t interfere with anyone, I don’t carry a stroller, I don’t ask anyone for help. What do you, like, need? No, "Where are you going?"

Katya's taste preferences have changed, now she eats almost everything and loves to combine different tastes. Katya tries to play sports every day

Photo: Yulia Skorobogatova

Everyone believes that a mother should turn into a superhuman, become a model of mental balance: stop swearing, think only about high things, but at the same time it is desirable not to leave the playground anywhere. They told me: “Why are you on the phone? You have a child jumping in a puddle. Well, he's jumping. I've grown up, I don't jump anymore. And this is a child.

Katya is assembling a crib for a baby. Ivan does a pedicure for his wife, since she herself can no longer

Photo: Yulia Skorobogatova

[After giving birth] everything changed a little more than completely. The last time I had a manicure was when I was pregnant. I don't belong to myself. I have gained 10 kilos already. My friends asked me: “When will you come back to normal?” What does normal form mean? My body just gave birth to another body, why should I pretend that nothing happened?

I stopped communicating with my best friend because I had a hormonal imbalance after childbirth, some kind of fragile, unstable condition. I left the hospital, my stomach still sticks out, of course. She poked her finger like that, says: “Oh, wow, you don’t have another one left there?” It's jarring.

“Where there are two, there are three, and where there are three, there are four”: why people become parents of many children

Why do you need so many? But what about personal life? What, you don't know how to protect yourself? Families with many children often cause surprise and a flurry of questions. To answer them, we talked to two parents with many children. Their paths are very different: at first Olga did not plan to give birth, but after a while she “bargained” with her husband for four daughters, and Semyon and his wife always wanted a big family and even decided to adopt. Find out how these people overcome difficulties and find happiness in what.

Story 1. “I got over the loss of my career and began to rebuild my life”

Olga Lomakina

Mother of four children.

About the first birth

I now have four daughters 11, 7, 5 and 3 years old. To be honest, until a certain age, I didn’t really want children and didn’t plan to: I was engaged in a career. The first pregnancy turned out to be accidental, and I had to fall in love with them.

When I found out that I was going to have a baby, I was a little scared. She ran to consult with her mother and girlfriends and eventually decided to give birth. By that time, I was 32 years old, and ticking clocks have scared us all since childhood.

My first husband and dad decided to help me: they agreed on paid childbirth in a private clinic. But, when it all started, the head of the maternity hospital had a birthday, which she celebrated in Turkey. Therefore, I was received by the doctor on duty from the usual sleep team, who knew nothing about me.

They gave me epidural anesthesia, put me in the delivery room and left somewhere. The anesthesia worked for an hour. At that time I was alone, without staff and even a nurse. There was no one who could say that everything will be fine with me, who would cover me with a blanket.

I was lying almost naked, freezing on an oilcloth bed, a catheter in my hand, only a disposable diaper under me and terrible thoughts: “What should I do if the contractions start again?” And they started. I was shaking with fear and pain. I started screaming and calling for help.

It was like 250 fractures at the same time, as if I was being run over by a skating rink, but I didn’t lose consciousness. For my money, I expected at least attention and the presence of someone nearby.

Two hours after I gave birth, happy relatives came into my ward with flowers and smiles. And I just survived hell, I’m lying and I don’t understand at all what to do with the little man who yells at my side.

It was the most terrible birth of my life. I decided that I would never pay doctors informally again. And I didn't want to give birth at all.

With the advent of my first daughter, my life changed dramatically. I had to leave my career, a good income and fall into dependence on a man. I didn't know how to behave with a child. Books and theoretical knowledge did not help. It was very scary.

When my daughter was one and a half years old, my husband and I divorced, and I was left alone. Until the child went to kindergarten, I completely depended on him. Of course, close relatives and parents helped me, I went to a psychotherapist and at some point tried to hire a nanny. But I would call this period one of the worst.

About a new family

The next child was born from a second marriage and was very desirable, because next to me was a completely different man: included in the children, me, life and family. He slept with his daughter, when it was necessary - he fed. It really changed my relationship with children.

If after the birth of my first child I thought: “Oh my God, what will happen to my life!”, then the second time it was rather an enthusiastic surprise: “Wow, how am I going to live now!” because I have two children for the first time. It was interesting, although still difficult. But I have more or less adapted to life with babies.

We did not stop at two children. My husband wanted more, and we constantly bargained with him.

He said: “Seven!”, and I yelled: “No, no seven, let's get four!”

And we agreed on four girls - he just wanted them. We still have a joke that I give birth to everyone and the best mother in the family is dad.

Well, somehow it happened, not very consciously. I thought where there are two, there are three, and where there are three, there are four.

I got over the loss of my career and began to rebuild my life in a completely different way. From the HR director of a large company, she became a nobody, and then quietly began to engage in psychotherapy. And I realized that it’s not difficult for me to study as a psychotherapist and give birth to children in the process. For example, my youngest daughter was born between sessions.

Childbirth no longer frightened me with the unknown, as it did the first time. I already perfectly understood how false contractions differ from real ones, how much time passes between them and how to breathe. I knew what to do and how my body works. She could give instructions to the doctor and husband.

About the experience of parenthood

When a new child is born, the elders get less attention. But that's the law of the jungle. While I am busy with my youngest daughter, my husband is more focused on the rest: he puts me to bed, reads fairy tales, kisses and hugs more.

My husband's support and the fact that I stopped panicking helped me not to be torn between children. Mothers usually worry: “Oh, I will injure my child if I remove him from the breast for such and such a long time. And if I do something else, it’s another injury.” I realized that it is impossible not to injure children. I just tried not to do it on purpose, and if something happened, to smooth it out as much as possible. I'm not the goddess of motherhood. Knowledge of psychology helped me avoid anxiety, unnecessary body movements and be more or less happy and calm.

The more children you have, the easier you treat them. Mine ate dog food, and the most that could happen was diarrhea.

I worked out all my fears on my first baby. For example, she called an ambulance several times a week because of a simple temperature. Now I know what to do if someone is poisoned, when to give antipyretics and in which case to call a doctor.

When there are many children, they play, develop, socialize - there is healthy competition. This summer, one daughter was with her grandmother, another with a nanny, a third in the camp, and the fourth was at home, and she was bored. I want to believe that everyone is better together.

About having many children

You can pull on the positive side in the spirit of "four children - four times more love." But I have no idea that my daughters will provide for me in my old age or that they are obliged to love me the way I need it.

I just live and enjoy. And sometimes I get angry because children are not always nice people.

For example, we moved into a new apartment a couple of years ago. They did some repairs, but only partially. We still can’t finish, because the daughters paint the walls, pick out the handles of the cabinets, spoil the furniture. You have to organize your life with this in mind.

Do not forget about the material side: children are very expensive. For example, they bought one new jacket, but did not buy the other - a scandal. You have to take four times as many things at once. This stimulated me and my husband to earn a little more actively.

You can't predict when the kids will get sick, so I can't plan anything. In such cases, you have to cancel events or hire a nanny. So I reset every day.

Plus, we can't go on vacation with the whole family: until we earn enough to go to Turkey or Egypt with six of us.

Things new parents should know

Test the fantasies that are bothering you for realism. Consult with people who already have a more or less positive experience. Listen to grandmothers less and do not pay attention to what strangers say. Focus on yourself, your level of prosperity, freedom and psychological stability.

If you are thinking about having more children and you are paralyzed by fear, then you better not. And if the fears relate to some material things - find yourself a better job.

Talk more with your partner. The birth of children, on the one hand, brings together, and on the other hand, it brings disagreements. If this is the first or even the second child, then it is important for the husband to realize that now a large portion of attention will be paid to the baby, and not to him. Of course, a woman can burst, but then none of you will have enough health to master the old way of life.

It is important to discuss the feasibility of the idea before pregnancy.

After the birth of a child, a woman remains defenseless and financially dependent for some time. Or maybe it will always be so if she does not want to leave the decree. Then it is important to understand who and what part of the obligations takes on. You can start working if the child is two months old, but then the husband must be on maternity leave, which is now being introduced in different countries.

You can invite your grandmother, but this is not the best option. For example, I have a rule that I give sweets to children for a reason, but when they have eaten or done something. But for some reason she believes that sweets can be given when she wants.

Grandmothers often break the rules that are in the family. As a result, children grow up in chaos and do not understand what reality to believe. When I said goodbye to all the grandmothers, life became much easier. But if this is an adequate person who will do what the young mother asks, that is another question.

Story 2. “I try not to say how many children I have”

Semyon Kremenyuk

Father of four children, two of whom are adopted.

About the birth of the first daughter

My wife and I have been married for almost 14 years. When they met and planned to get married, they found out that both wanted children. Now we have four of them: 13, 8, 7 and 4 years old. We adopted two of them.

The first child came when I was 21 and my wife was 20. In a sense, we were high then. In my youth, everything was easier, for example, to do without sleep. And our daughter turned out to be problem-free: she slept, ate, did not act up.

All the difficulties were related to getting new experience. They tell you: "Relax, it's just a cold!", but you see that the child is hot, and you don't know what to do. But it was still more difficult for the wife. She suffered physically during pregnancy, and in our family she had more responsibility. I devoted a lot of time to work and tried to help my wife, support her. This required a certain amount of discipline.

But after a while we realized that children are not as scary as it seemed, and we wanted more.

About a special son

At the age of two, my daughter became much more independent and began to walk. Now it was possible to hire a nanny or give the child to grandmothers. This immediately freed up a lot of time, and we decided that we wanted to shoot now, and then enjoy life.

Unfortunately, the second pregnancy ended unsuccessfully. A couple of years later, we tried again, and our second biological child was already born. It turned out to be special: due to major health problems, our son does not walk or talk.

The doctors advised us not to give birth again.

We experienced this situation very hard, so it is difficult to compare the emotions from the birth of the first and second babies. These are completely different children.

Adoption

We have been discussing the possibility of becoming foster parents for a long time and knew that sooner or later we would do it. Five years after the birth of our son, we thought about adopting a girl 1-2 years old. Our biological daughter participated in making this decision. She was already 10, so they talked together and consulted. She was for and still supports us in this.

We were advised by the social service to broaden our search criteria to include more options. Therefore, we reported that we are interested in 1-2 children under the age of six.

As soon as we received the status of adoptive parents, we went on vacation. The next day they called us and said that there are children who are suitable for us: a two-year-old girl and her five-year-old brother. And they ask: "Interesting?" We were a little freaked out, thought and said: "Yes, let's see."

These were the first children we were offered, and we immediately agreed.

After the adoption, we realized that the guys do not like us, because they do not know how to do it. In the orphanage, they simply were not taught to deal with their own emotions. It was difficult: you take care of a person, give him your warmth, but nothing in return. It took us two years to change that.

About the attitude of others and stereotypes

I feel sad about the attitude towards large families in our society. I even try not to say how many children I have and who is biological and who is adopted, because it really surprises people: “Wow! Come on! Why so many? Why were you adopted?"

For example, during the adoption process, we had a court that considered the possibility of transferring custody. And the judge asked: “Why do you need this?”

I answered, “I love children. I want children. I don't know why anymore. What do you mean why?

This question stuns me. Why do you eat bread and drink water? I was happy because I have a dad and mom and they are not divorced, but loved and love each other. I have seen this example. Children should not be without parents.

Older people often say that we have burdened ourselves with children and ruined our youth. And peers believe that large families have little chance of achieving anything in life. But children do not become a stone around the neck. This, of course, is a certain weight, a decrease in mobility, but everything depends very much on organization and desire.

We have three healthy and active children who have their own schools, clubs and courses. And there is a child who needs special care. At the same time, my wife and I manage to go on vacation, do hobbies, we watch movies and make repairs. We live full lives.

The more children, the more important discipline for parents. Every half an hour you begin to perceive as an effective time. If you synchronize tasks with each other in advance and follow the schedule, then everything can be done in time. And you get tired at the same time no more than a person who sits in the office from nine to six, and then gets home and rests.

Children appeared one by one and little by little influenced the career. We've been living as a full team for two years now, and that's when I started working on the management team at a large media company. Prior to that, I had been building a business for eight years.

I must give credit to my wife, who tried her best to free me for business, and now for work. She took care of the children and I was able to develop my career. At the same time, my wife still manages to earn money: she freelances and helps me on some projects. Therefore, the question is only in maximum organization.

About attention to children

There is a common opinion that when a new child appears, the previous ones begin to receive less attention and suffer greatly from this. As a child, it seemed to me that my sister was more loved, and it seemed to her that I was. This is childish envy, bad manners or immaturity. It just needs to be worked on.

My wife and I were sure: if there is one child, he will become spoiled and grow up an egoist. There have been many such examples in my life. We wanted the family to have a children's team. So that a person knows that he needs to share and that he is not the navel of the earth.

We did not worry at all that someone might lack attention, because we love children and devote all our free time to them. How to distribute it among the guys is another question. But it turned out that everything is quite simple. You communicate with the children in turn or play with everyone together. They are all different ages, and they need different things. I feel that I haven’t hugged this one for a long time, I haven’t kissed this one, but I didn’t talk to that one - I focus on sensations.

About a large family

The thought of a future large family warms me. I imagine that someday everyone will have their own children and worries, and then we will gather for the holidays in the same house. My wife and I are very attracted to this, so we are ready to go through some difficulties now.

I recently talked with a friend who thought about having children for a long time, but eventually got a cat. He says that the animal lies on his stomach, purrs, and this immediately makes him feel good, his mood rises.

I look at this with a smile, because children are like a hundred cats.

People have needs for education, direction, procreation. And they say: “No, I don’t want to strain, I’d rather get a cat or a dog.” Among my friends and acquaintances, this idea is not popular, but I always say directly that a pet should not replace the idea of ​​​​continuing your family. And if you do not want to continue, then there are many children who are sitting without parents.

Of course, all this imposes certain limitations. For example, we are not as mobile as people without children. But if you have at least one child, then you are in about the same situation as we are with four. You want to go on vacation, but the nanny is sick or grandparents don’t want to help – you don’t go on vacation, and it doesn’t matter how many children you have.

Another disadvantage is the educational process. He takes a resource - nerves and strength. But if there were no children, something else would take away my nerves and strength. And so I invest them in future people. My task is to create good representatives of society, thanks to whom something will change later.

What young parents should know

Children should not become the center of life. First of all, this will affect the relationship of the spouses. Everything you need to do is not quit your job.

The husband should take care that the wife does not focus only on the children. Everyone will suffer from this. Help her find a hobby or a side job. Watch her health - physical and, more importantly, mental.

And if you are afraid to have many children, then just imagine a cold pool. You need to close your eyes, group up and jump with a bomb.

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