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Bonding With Your Unborn Baby - 12 Tips

Every pregnancy and every pregnant woman is unique.

There is no such thing as ‘normal’ when it comes to emotions during pregnancy.

While some women may feel an instant connection to their unborn child from the moment they pee on the stick, for others it can take until the birth (or even after the birth) for that connection to truly take hold.

It may not be something that many pregnant women discuss openly, but in fact, a lot of women do struggle to bond with their babies during pregnancy.

If this is your first pregnancy, those first rushes from inside your uterus can be hard to identify as your baby’s movements.

If you have experienced loss before, you may find it hard to think positively about the pregnancy, and may subconsciously be delaying bonding as a form of self-protection.

Or, perhaps, you are simply bonding with your baby in your own time. Pregnancy can be a daunting time, and you may feel so overwhelmed with the pregnancy and impending motherhood that you feel simply unable to bond with your baby just yet. As you grow closer to your due date, you may feel worried that you do not yet feel that connection with your baby.

Bonding with your unborn baby

Here are some things you can try to help you bond with your bump:

Baby bonding tip #1: Use your voice

When your baby is born, she will recognise your voice and turn towards you whenever she hears it. She will remember your voice because she has spent months listening to you give presentations at work, natter to your mum on the phone, and belt out tunes like, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T!” in the shower. Spend some time each day talking to your baby, telling her about the things you will do together, and how you are feeling that day. You may find that your baby responds to the sound of your voice, and begins kicking and nudging you as you talk. If you feel uncomfortable talking to your bump, trying singing instead.

Baby bonding tip #2: Nudge back

For now, your baby’s only method of communication is bumps, kicks and nudges. You have probably noticed that your baby becomes particularly active when you sit down to rest. Play with your baby by responding to her movements, gently poke back when she nudges you, and see what she does. You can also rub your belly in the area you feel movements.

Baby bonding tip #3: Get snap happy

One thing that makes bonding seem difficult during pregnancy, is that you have no idea what your baby look likes. Though she is growing inside you right now, she can feel like a total stranger. If you were given scan pictures at your hospital appointment, spend time looking at these photos each day. Frame a photograph to keep by your desk at work, set it as the lock screen on your smartphone, and stick it on your fridge.

Baby bonding tip #4: Go to yoga

Prenatal yoga classes give you a chance to escape the humdrum of daily life, and focus on your pregnancy for a while. The yoga teacher will talk you through each pose, explaining how it is beneficial during pregnancy. You will also be given time to relax and focus on your developing baby. This is a great way to guarantee yourself time to focus, which can be difficult to find when you are tying up loose ends at work, packing a hospital bag and preparing the house for a new baby.

Yoga has been proven to be beneficial for depression and anxiety during pregnancy. Read more here.

Baby bonding tip #5: Get dad involved

It’s not just you who wants to develop a lasting bond with your baby – dad-to-be will want a slice of the action too! When you feel the baby kick, place your partner’s hands over your tummy so that he can feel the movements too, and let him respond by rubbing your bump in the same spot. He could even read baby a book or two. You may find that you develop a stronger bond with both the baby and the dad-to-be simply by watching their relationship strengthen.

Baby bonding tip #6: Make a keepsake

Invest some time in making a gift or keepsake for your developing baby. You could knit or crochet a blanket to wrap her in after the birth, make a quilt for her new nursery, or make a framed picture to hang on her wall. If you are a beginner, choose an easy project to begin with. You may even like to make a pregnant belly cast (closer to your due date) to remember your beautifully round belly forever. You can paint and decorate it afterwards, or have a belly cast artist decorate it for you. You might choose to have baby’s footprints on the cast, the whole family’s handprints, or any other themes you might think of.

Baby bonding tip #7: Take bump photos

Not only will your own photos make a lovely keepsake once the pregnancy is over, but will also help you to focus on your growing baby during pregnancy. Set a time each week to take a photograph of yourself sideways on. As you compare the bump photos from each week, you will be able to see how much your baby is changing and growing during the pregnancy. This visual reminder may help to make the pregnancy seem more real, and will give you time to reflect upon the changes occurring. Booking a professional pregnancy photo shoot towards the end of your pregnancy can make you feel special too, where yourself and your partner (or yourself alone) can have some gorgeous moments captured by a professional, that you will no doubt treasure forever.

Baby bonding tip #8: Slow down

Yes, there is a lot to do before the baby arrives, but you don’t need to do it all today. You need more rest during pregnancy, so try to slow down and take it easy for a while. Set aside time each day to simply sit and focus on your pregnancy – not a time to write more to do lists or pick out baby furniture – but just a time to sit and think about your developing baby. You could combine this with a walk or relaxing bath if this helps you to fit it into your schedule. Delegate where you can, and don’t feel bad getting help around the home, its very common these days! Accepting offers of help can really take a load off, and remember, people wouldn’t offer if they didn’t want to help.

Baby bonding tip #9: Write it down

Consider keeping a pregnancy journal to help you focus on the pregnancy. Don’t worry about writing a rose-tinted view of pregnancy, just be honest. Talk about how you feel physically, and any worries and concerns you might be feeling. This may help to identify what is causing any anxiety, and help you take steps to overcome it.

Baby bonding tip #10: Have a blessingway (mother blessing)

If you feel like you’re not bonding with your unborn baby, a blessingway may help to get some oxytocin flowing.

Unlike a baby shower, a blessingway is all about the mother-to-be. There’s no commercial gift giving involved. Just a loving, nurturing circle of women who get together to share stories, nurture the mother-to-be and to create some beautiful rituals. Being with other women and having the focus on you might sound a little overwhelming for some, but it can be incredibly empowering, grounding and reassuring.

One of your closest friends or family members may even be able to help you to do a plaster belly cast for your blessingway! Painting it either before or after your baby arrives provides an opportunity to make something unique and creative.

If you’d like to find out more about a blessingway, you can read BellyBelly’s article here.

Baby bonding tip #11. Focus on your good points

One reason some women fail to bond with their bumps, is that they are too busy worrying that they will be terrible mothers. Some women suffer from anxiety-filled dreams, or worry that they will repeat the mistakes of past generations. Stop worrying. Push the negativity aside, and instead focus on all of the things that will make you a wonderful mother. Write them down and stick them on the fridge… okay, on your bedroom door is fine if you wish. Think about the type of mother you want to be, and how you will go about that. Increased positivity may help you to better look forward to motherhood. Some mothers find that they gain more confidence by reading good books to help give them more knowledge and tools.

BellyBelly has recommended books that are not only full of helpful information but they are gentle on mum and baby too. If you think this could be helpful, have a look at our recommended books for baby sleep and parenting. Two books that are reassuring for new mothers are Parenting By Heart by Pinky McKay and What Mothers Do: Especially When It Looks Like Nothing by Naomi Stadlen.

Baby bonding tip #12: Let go of the guilt

If you don’t feel like you’re bonding with your unborn baby yet, don’t beat yourself up.

Pregnancy can be a difficult time – you are dealing with a changing body, irrational hormones, lack of sleep and are probably preoccupied with worries and concerns for the future. It can be hard to bond with a person you’ve never met, but that doesn’t mean you won’t ever feel that strong connection. Try not to feel guilty, and instead focus on trying to bond with your baby, but accept that you might be one of the many mothers who deeply in love after the birth, and not before.

What other mothers say about bonding with baby

Recently on BellyBelly’s Facebook page, a mother asked the following question:

“I’m currently 35 weeks pregnant, and I feel awful for even admitting this… but is it normal to not feel connected to your baby? I’ve done everything suggested to build a bond, but I just don’t feel it yet. It’s not that I’m not excited to have a baby, but she was unplanned, and my fiancé and I are struggling financially. It’s just extremely overwhelming. Is there more I should be doing to build the connection? I’ve shopped, set up the nursery, I talk to her every day and play with her when I feel her kicking. I’m just not sure what else to do.”

Here are just a few great responses of many, thanks to some of our fabulous Facebook fans:

“I actually felt anxious after I gave birth, because my connection with my daughter still wasn’t there or what I thought it would be. It took a couple weeks to feel it, and now my daughter is 5 weeks old and I can’t imagine my life without her. It will come soon and you will look back wondering how you ever could not feel bonded to your little one.” — Kelli Britton

“Oh bless your heart! Honestly, don’t feel like a terrible person, sometimes people just don’t feel connected to their baby until they are holding it in their arms! It doesn’t make you a bad person, not one bit. I know I really struggled with my little boy (I’m 26 weeks currently) because he was unplanned, I was told that I had an extremely low chance of ever having a successful pregnancy, and it’s been a very traumatic pregnancy with one thing or another (he’s doing fine, I’m not doing so well). I’m certain that once you have that little girl in your arms, you’ll feel that bond. Don’t fret about it. Xx” — Deanne James

“You’re connecting with her and you don’t realise it. I had the same issue when I was pregnant, but I didn’t give up or lose hope. The day I went into labour and gave birth to my baby, he heard my voice and looked right up to me with his glowing glossy eyes. He knew who I was… and if he could have, he would have smiled, gave me a hug or a wet kiss. I know he would of. Continue to talk and play with her. And make sure daddy does to. She’s excited to meet you guys. And she can’t wait to be blessed into the world!” — I’beez Mona

“I didn’t really feel a connection to my baby until he was born. Sang and talked to him, made plans but didn’t really “feel” that bond. Once they put him on my chest and could feel him breathing, I could feel it almost instantly. He was also unplanned, found out the week after my wedding. New husband came with three kids, and we have one income, so I understand your concerns. Once your baby is out, the connection will come.” — Kirsten Williams

“I felt exactly the same with my second, I didn’t think i’d have enough love to give cause I already had a 1 year old. But once he was born, I fell instantly in love. Don’t worry mummy, that connection will come soon enough.” — Jade Fawcett

“I think the fact that you are concerned shows a mother instinct in itself. Maybe try not to worry so much and go with the flow. Sometimes it just takes time to feel the connection . Dont push yourself to feel it or put any pressure on yourself. Added in the factor of financial strain and timing of unplanned its bound to be a difficult transition for you. Be gentle on yourself xxxx” — Jan Holly

“Postnatal depression robbed me of the ability to cherish the early days and months with our baby. I didn’t have that instant bond/love at first sight that people talk about. It took me until about 3 months to fall in love with him, but it did happen. Be patient with yourself, the connection will come. Hugs to you, it’s a tough road to travel.” — Carla Groth

“Just because you feel this way, you are not a bad person and it doesn’t mean you don’t care. Just asking this question shows how much of a loving mummy you are already. Secondly, try talking to your GP or midwife/doula. I was so connected to my baby, but when she was born I got PND and major anxiety and had to be medicated. I’ve mentioned this because I want you to know that even though I loved my baby and felt really connected before birth, afterwards things changed for me. And just as you are feeling unconnected now it doesn’t mean that when she is born that you wont love her and feel connected to you. If you do feel concerned about PND just talk to your midwife or GP. Its not something to be ashamed of.” — Rowena Rogers

I do not like my ...

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And I love my son I love my son and he pays me the same, although he never read books to him, I don’t like whining and the eternal rattling over my ear is annoying and I love it very much when grandparents and dad are messing with him.

so maybe you also love as much as I do. because love is not usi-pusi, but understanding of responsibility, showing care and realizing that you are doing everything that your child needs. nine0003

By the way, well -known truth: we love the child most when he sleeps

05 August 2008, 17:59

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I don't want children at all either, although I'm already 30 and it's time to think about them, but every year I put off this "thinking" for another year

August 05, 2008, 18 :03

#22

I feel sorry for the baby.......

and you too.

probably not everyone has a maternal instinct.

Well, don't you love him at all? not a bit?

There is a part of you and your beloved husband in him......

how so?

maybe you should go to a psychologist?

maybe you had some kind of psychological trauma in your childhood.

go, you have nothing to lose. :))

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Maxim Sorokin

Practicing psychologist

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Do not consider yourself flawed, author. Just do the best you can and don't give birth anymore.

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Author, try to go to a psychologist. Maybe this will help? In the end, do not get hung up on this feeling of dislike. Perhaps it will go away on its own. The main thing is not to take out the irritation on the child, if you have one. Perhaps then you yourself will not understand how you could not love him. nine0003

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I don’t love my baby

Talking about motherhood may not bring joy is not accepted, while many women experience postpartum depression and emotional burnout, raise children alone and feel disconnected outside world. We talked to heroines who do not feel happy as a mother and do not feel love for their children. nine0003

“I hate motherhood because I have to constantly sacrifice myself for others”

Maria’s story

36 years old, lives in St. Petersburg, three children: the eldest is five years old, the middle one is three years old, the youngest is one year old

At the age of sixteen, Maria left her parents to Moscow. Having entered the university, she began to engage in hiking and outdoor activities. In the summer, she led excursions around Solovki. The rest - traveled to different countries. This went on for fifteen years. And all this time, Maria did not think about children at all. But seven years ago, she decided to stay in Solovki for the winter - one woman offered to live in her house for free, and Maria agreed. There she met her future husband, four months later they got married, and Maria became pregnant almost immediately. At that time, she was deeply immersed in Orthodoxy, so she had thoughts about her family and children. But at the same time, both marriage and the first child, as the heroine now understands, were rash, spontaneous events. nine0003

Two years before her pregnancy, Maria had a very active life, she went in for yoga, sports, swam in the hole, went skiing. “I was in excellent physical shape. Apparently, the Lord gave me these two years of breathing room. Now I’m in terrible shape, I’m practically falling apart,” she says.

After giving birth, Maria didn't have time to get euphoric or depressed - she immediately returned to work, started moving and doing other things. Depression covered her later - six months later, when she began to stay alone with the child: “My husband was at work from 7 am to 8 pm, with one day off. I sat with the child all day long. All my childless friends have safely forgotten about me, as if I had ceased to exist. And that was the hardest part: the endless routine, my son's colic and bad sleep." nine0003

The husband always helped as much as possible - he, as Maria says, is one of the helping husbands. But still, the family lived according to the traditional distribution of roles: the man goes to work, the woman stays with the children. “Everyone thinks that this is the norm,” says Maria. - They constantly told me: "What are you complaining about, you are sitting at home with one child." In fact, this is hard, because I am not in my life, there is only a child . As soon as I turn away, he starts squeaking. As soon as I start doing my own business, he immediately requires attention. nine0003

According to Daria Utkina, a psychologist, doula, and the author of the Take Care of Yourself project, the standards and expectations of mothers in the modern world are much higher than they were in the 20th century. Now they have to not only try hard, but also in no case go too far in their desire to be a good mother in the stream of intensive motherhood. And being just a housewife is no longer enough. At the same time, there are fewer and fewer traditional support practices: in many countries, gardens and nannies are expensive, decrees are short, and a normal family income should consist of two salaries. It often happens that grandparents are far away, there is no help, plus the city is not intended for children. “Against this background, it is difficult for women in the 21st century not to notice how dramatically expectations from them and reality do not coincide. Or they have to put in too much effort to meet these expectations,” Daria explains. nine0003

“Modern motherhood is becoming more and more diverse,” says sociologist Olga Savinskaya. - On the one hand, there is one trend for modernization - the desire for equality, changing the established roles in the family, a sense of the trends of the future. But in parallel with this, a conservative ideology is advancing to preserve the traditions and foundations that successfully existed in the past. People who share conservative principles consider them time-tested and therefore true. Seeing different practices and values ​​of parenthood around them, the younger generation is becoming more reflective: they are more and more thinking and making choices about how to build relationships with a spouse and a child. Therefore, instead of following traditions, they begin to follow their own individual path. It is this reflection that prompts public talk that motherhood is not easy and simple, it is hellish work . Women are talking more and more about how physically difficult it is: to endure, not sleep, to be on the alert, to always remain positive towards a little person who still does not know how to take into account the needs of mother and father

Thoughts that Mary is tired of motherhood, finally came along with the third child. Three days before she found out she was pregnant, she sold her travel company. Left without support and being physically exhausted, Maria began to think about abortion, despite her religious beliefs. “We left everything and flew with my family to Thailand because I wanted to run away. There I already had toxicosis, and I physically felt that I was a child. And, of course, there could be no thought of any abortion.” Maria recalls that at that time she felt only confusion and fear for the future: “I thought what I would do with three children?! Only on the horizon appeared a way out to people, and here again these rags and diapers. nine0003

Maria never keeps her emotions to herself. She can send the children to another room, if she needs to mind her own business, she can shout. The husband condemns her: he does not like that she can sit on the phone instead of playing with the children, he does not accept when they raise their voice at the children. “If I'm tired or I need to be alone, I can even say it in a rude way. Unlike my husband, he endures to the last. He thinks that everything is for children. But I don’t: first I will eat myself, and then I will feed them. This is my burnout valve. I will send everyone if I want to sleep. I won't play with them. I don't know if this is good or bad. But I am quite open in my manifestations, even if this behavior is not accepted in society.” nine0003

“Most often, mothers experience burnout in Western countries where there is individualism, where women are more independent: the USA, Canada, European countries. The United States has the most burnout mothers,” says psychologist Alena Prihidko. - Of course, when a woman is tired, in particular, from trying to strive to meet the standards of a good mother and constantly worrying about her child, this leads to the fact that the mother is on the verge of exhaustion. And when you are exhausted, it is very difficult to feel the feeling of love.” nine0003

There are no statistics on maternal burnout in Russia. But Daria Utkina explains that out of the 1. 5 million births that occur in the country every year, approximately 300 thousand women experience postpartum depression. About the same number, according to the first studies, experience symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) after childbirth. Another part of them were extremely tired and burnt out. These are not separate groups, many are faced with everything at once, but someone gets one thing.

It is difficult for Mary to be a mother, because her children do not allow her to live the life to which she is accustomed and which brought her pleasure. But at the same time, she tries not to blame the children for this. “I love my children, but I hate motherhood,” Maria says. “Children touch me with their faces, stupid actions and funny jokes. I hate motherhood as such - for the need to constantly sacrifice yourself for the sake of others.

“I'm terribly tired of sitting at home with them, playing these stupid games, cleaning up after them. Everyday life also plays a big role in this, because endless cleaning, which has no gratitude or feedback, is tiring. nine0547

You do everything automatically, like the attendants of your children. It's hard for me to get emotionally involved in them. The older one wants to tell me something, the middle one wants to hear how beautiful she is, the younger one just needs physical contact. And it turns out that I'm fucked up and constantly touched by them."

Maria is sure that it will never be easier for her . Perhaps it will become easier when the children grow up, but there will be other problems, for example, financial ones. All those close to her told her that it was hard only up to a year, and then it gradually became easier. But she doesn't feel it. nine0003

“When I tell my mother that I hate my children, she replies: “Mash, these are your children. All this will pass, don't think about it." For some reason, we have such an attitude towards the feelings of mothers. That's it, you gave birth - be patient. They were sitting with you, and now you are sitting."

Among the different range of emotions that mothers experience, hatred is the most noticeable. “Any mother has an attitude that she must constantly feel love for her children,” says Alena Prihidko. - And for the first time, when she experiences a feeling of dislike, this event becomes very bright and frightening for her. She begins to analyze it for a long time and as a result can come to a variety of conclusions. Like thinking she's a bad mother." nine0003

“Now I'm trying to accept motherhood,” Maria says. Realize that for at least another fifteen years they will be children. I try not to forbid myself to feel all the emotions that I have. Perhaps this will help me become a full-fledged mother, and I will stop running away from my motherhood.

“You don't have to tell me this will pass. It’s not working for me”

Olga’s story

37 years old, lives in the USA, the eldest son is three years old, the youngest is one

“ When women say that it’s hard for them, it means that it’s hard for them . There is no need to say that everyone has it, ”says Olga, mother of two boys. She gave birth to her first son at 34. The boy is suspected of Asperger's Syndrome (AS), which is expressed in problems of communication and social behavior, with concomitant dysfunction of sensory integration (this is a condition in which signals from different senses are not organized into an adequate behavioral response. - Approx. ed. .). He does not feel hungry until he has stomach pains. He does not understand when he wants to go to the toilet, he is afraid of loud sounds. Despite the fact that he can talk, he expresses his desires and negative feelings through hysteria, aggression or auto-aggression (causing psychological or physical harm to himself. - Approx. ed. ).

Before the birth of her son, Olga worked with children and knew that it was hard, that parenthood meant certain efforts and sacrifices. She understood that titanic work was behind the upbringing of a child, but at the same time she liked the children.

Immediately after giving birth, Olga did not feel the euphoria that many women talk about: “I only had a feeling of relief that it was finally over. Not to say that the birth was very difficult. I gave birth at home with a midwife. But the process itself was terrible. And when he was born, I exhaled." In the first two weeks, Olga started having problems with breastfeeding. The child was constantly crying and slept very little. Up to seven months, she remembers only the constant cry of her son, there are practically no other memories. Then, when the baby learned to crawl, it became a little easier. nine0003

One of the manifestations of SA is lack of attachment. “It is hard to raise a child who is not attached to you. This is a very big problem. My son can run away at any moment, he can be cold and distant when talking to me - he doesn’t look into my eyes, doesn’t smile, doesn’t hug. Until the age of three, he screamed a lot. All his emotions were expressed through op. Imagine that there is a screaming person next to you all the time. He does not communicate with you in a different way, only through op. In our house, the glass is ringing from his screams. With him, as with no other, the proverb is true: what you sow, so you reap. And you need to sow a lot there.” nine0003

There were brighter moments when the son behaved less anxiously. Sometimes it lasted for two or three weeks. Then Olga and her husband woke up with hope that everything could work out. But each time everything started anew: “ This is being in constant slavery . Your needs do not exist at all: neither to eat, nor to go to the toilet, nor to sleep - everything is ignored at any time of the day or night.

Olga had no help: up to a year she sat with her son all day long. The husband was at work during the day, grandparents did not help: “In the evenings, after work, the husband connected to the care of his son. He was very tired, he also began to burn out. As a result, we accumulated irritation with each other.” Olga tried her best to calm her son down, but there came a moment when her strength was running out. Then she simply went to another room to exhale herself, then returned and again consoled the baby for hours. When the baby learned to walk, Olga began to close herself in the bathroom with headphones. Almost none of her relatives could just listen and support her, everyone tried to give advice, insisting that "everything will soon pass." Olga was always very annoyed by this: “You don’t need to tell me that this will pass. It doesn't work for me. Yes, it becomes easier in some ways, but harder in some ways. In my case, in order for something to change for the better, constant titanic work is needed. I just want to be listened to: no comments, no evaluation, no advice.” nine0003

Mothers often experience devaluation of their experiences. At the same time, it is difficult to achieve empathy from the source of experiences - a child. “Moms need to learn to sympathize with themselves on their own,” says Alena Prihidko. - There is no point in waiting for sympathy from children - they are at a completely different level of development and are not capable of this until a certain age.

It is important to give yourself understanding and support. You can take care of yourself by talking to yourself the way you would talk to the person you love. nine0003

Or maybe even think about the fact that along with you, hundreds of thousands of mothers also experience the same feelings and get tired. In such cases, people are needed who can listen, give warmth and support. People who will help create a space where you can pour out your pain without being judgmental.”

Olga recalls that she was full of strength before childbirth and entered the role of a mother with a good psychological resource. But a few months later, burnout began, followed by postpartum depression: “I keep everything in myself, I tried to work with a psychologist, but, unfortunately, it was unsuccessful. And my anger turns into auto-aggression. If I experience severe stress, then I begin to harm myself - I can open my fingers to the point of blood, for example: this calms me down. I won't cut my hands, of course. But some obsessive movements calm me down.” nine0003

When the baby was two months old, Olga kissed him on the cheek, and he began to cry because of this. Over time, she realized that it was impossible to hug her son again, because it was unpleasant for him. “He didn’t smile at us. Imagine that an aggressor has appeared in our life, how can we love him ?

All the time Olga was internally struggling with herself, experiencing constant emotional swings — from pity to hatred: “It seems that I’m about to push myself a little and I’m definitely going to love him. It seems you hold on, hold on - and fall down again. You scold yourself for not working out." At the same time, Olga responsibly treats her mother's duties: she spends a lot of time on classes with her son and education, does without screaming and punishment. nine0003

When the youngest son was born in Olga's family, the eldest became jealous. She was afraid to leave the children alone in the room, even for a couple of minutes, because she knew that the eldest son could harm the youngest. He could run up and hit the kid with his head on his head. “I was blown away by the tower at such moments, I was ready to just strangle him right away and throw him out the window,” says Olga.

Almost all mothers have an attitude that children should be loved, Alena Prihidko explains. We are living people, and we can have a variety of emotions in relation to children. When mothers begin to scourge themselves for negative emotions, they enter a vicious circle: they got angry with the child, scolded him, and then themselves for being a bad mother. “Love is an emotion, all emotions are short-term, that is, they cannot last long. They last for tens of seconds, and then replace each other,” says Prihidko. - Love is the same emotion as shame, joy, fear. And it's impossible to love a child 100% of the time. It is difficult for a tired mother to experience a feeling of love, because against the background of burnout, she has other feelings. When a child is the main cause of fatigue, then in relation to him, the mother can experience completely different emotions, including negative ones. For example, as the psychologist explains, anger is an absolutely normal negative reaction of a mother in a situation where a child does not obey because his behavior creates an obstacle for her. Anger arises when we want to change the way the other person thinks, and we want them to start thinking differently. If someone does not respect us, we get angry because we want to change it. The second common reason is injustice. And parents feel injustice all the time: they do a lot for children, but they do not appreciate it and do not reciprocate, because they are not yet capable of it. nine0003

Now, three years later, Olga admits that she was able to accept her son: “The theory of attachment helped me a lot. Even his behavior began to improve little by little. You can leave your husband, you can not communicate with your parents, but you can’t get away from the child. He was already born, already exists, even if you left him somewhere and abandoned him (which I can’t imagine at all), he still exists somewhere, and you bear this responsibility. You can divorce your husband and after a couple of years you no longer know where he is and what he is. It won't work with a child." nine0003

Many psychologists who specialize in motherhood work with attachment theory. It boils down to the fact that an adult takes full care of a child until the child can take care of himself. When an adult develops attachment, he feels responsible for the child - this helps the parent not only take care of the child and help him, but also enjoy this process. At the same time, attachment does not have to be associated with love. According to this theory, a child who receives enough care from an adult becomes independent more quickly. nine0003

When asked if Olga loves her son, she honestly answers: “During the first three years, I sincerely admitted to myself that I did not love my son. But I always wanted to love him.

Communicated with friends, asked for advice. I realized that many people are sailing in the same boat, they just do not admit it to themselves. In society, it is not customary to talk about the dislike of parents, especially mothers, for children.

“I would like society, especially in Russia, to reconsider their attitude towards mothers and motherhood,” says Olga. - This attitude "has given birth - stay at home" is felt in everything. Not everywhere there are changing tables, not everywhere there are places for a child, not everywhere you and your children are welcome at all. And the phrase "everyone is like that" is annoying. I remember that my girlfriends constantly told me: "Well, what are you doing, children - this is such a joy." And I thought that something was wrong with me, that I was so flawed. And it turns out that society sometimes hammers the last nail into the coffin. I think that I could have accepted my son much earlier if there were more caring people in my environment.” nine0003

“Sometimes I just want her to be gone”

Anna’s story (name changed at the request of the heroine)

41 years old, lives in Moscow, two children: the eldest daughter is fifteen years old, the youngest son is two

“There are problems in any motherhood, but when you raise a child without love for him, this is a prison,” says Anna. She gave birth to her first daughter at the age of 26 - due to problems with the reproductive cycle, the woman was sure that she would not be able to conceive a child without appropriate treatment. Therefore, the news of pregnancy came as a surprise to her. nine0003

“I had a severe stomach ache, I couldn't wear tight clothes. And I thought I had a tumor or cancer. In such a state of terrible horror, I went to the doctor, and they told me that I was in my ninth week, ”says the woman. By that time, Anna was already thinking about parenthood, although she did not plan to become a mother in the near future. But she did not have any thoughts about abortion - she knew that in this case, she had too high a chance to be left without children at all.

Anna broke up with the father of the child at that time. He was younger, she did not have serious feelings for him. But after the news of the pregnancy, they got together, began to live together and soon got married. At that time, Anna was studying at a party at Moscow State University and she did not want to quit her studies. My husband's mother came to the rescue - she took over all the main duties of caring for the child and around the house. nine0003

Almost the entire pregnancy, Anna and her husband were expecting a boy — this was shown by several ultrasounds done in different clinics. But in the seventh month, they suddenly found out that there would be a girl: “It seems that I then cried for a week. That is, yes, I realized that I have a living healthy girl in my stomach. But I mourned my boy. It may seem ridiculous, but at that moment it was a tragedy for my mind.”

“The birth was very difficult,” recalls Anna. - The doctor wanted to perform a caesarean section on me, although there were no indications for him. And I wanted to give birth myself. As a result, the process still did not go in the most natural way. I was alone, frightened, I was in pain: I lay under a drip at night, and the doctor went to bed. And when she woke up, the child already had hypoxia. Everyone immediately ran, took me to the operating room, and the doctor on the way said: "Well, I told you. " nine0003

Due to complications, Anna was only able to see her daughter three days after the birth. Against the background of all the other children, Sophia (name changed) for Anna was the most beautiful - the baby had smooth skin and long eyelashes. But the woman did not feel the feeling of closeness: “It seemed that she was simply given to me. A very pretty, cute baby. But what about me, it was not clear. There was no connection between us and no feeling that I was somehow involved in her appearance .

After arriving home, the feeling of alienation towards my daughter only intensified. According to Anna, the grandmother wanted a daughter all her life, and therefore she was extremely happy with her granddaughter. At some point, Anna felt like a guide through which Sophia came into the world for her grandmother and father. Since her grandmother practically took on the role of a mother, Anna was able to quickly return to her ordinary life - to study and work - without spending a lot of time caring for the child. nine0003

According to Daria Utkina, a mother can have a feeling of alienation towards a child for various reasons. The most common of them: unwanted child or unexpected pregnancy, pregnancy due to violence, prolonged separation from the child, when someone else becomes the main adult for him, emotional burnout, severe fatigue, depression (not necessarily postpartum). Sometimes a feeling of alienation towards a child can be a manifestation of a feeling of alienation in relation to any relatives in general. Most often, the formation of such an attitude is influenced by several factors at once, related both to the emotional state of the mother and her experience, and to the circumstances in which she finds herself. nine0003

Sophia grew up very sensitive. Anna recalls that when her daughter was a child, any difficulty immediately made her hysterical. “It annoyed me to the point of shaking, to hatred. When she screamed hysterically non-stop over some little thing, I yelled, "Get this away from me. "

When Sophia grew up, Anna began to understand that her and her daughter's feelings were mutual: her daughter also did not give her as much warmth as her grandmother. Watching how her husband's mother treats her child - with unconditional love and acceptance - and comparing this with her attitude, Anna began to think that she was a bad mother: "I always thought that I was a mother-shit - and I have a child that's why he's so hysterical. I constantly had thoughts that I should give it somewhere. I thought, let her grandmother adopt her, because I cope very badly with her. I am horrified when they leave me alone with a child.” nine0003

“I don't love her, it's hard for me, I'm not interested. At some point, I just wish it wasn't there. She does not bring me anything good, but at the same time she takes a lot of things from me, ”says Anna.

She admits that there were times when she wanted to harm her daughter by screaming or spanking, while knowing full well that these were unacceptable methods of education.

From an early age, the grandmother began to take the child on vacation to Moldova, where she had a dacha. Anna loved this time and did not suffer in separation from her daughter. When Sophia was ten years old, her parents divorced. “After the divorce, I had a real depression, but there was a very biased attitude towards psychiatry. I thought I could handle it myself, but I did it very badly,” says the heroine. Grandmother then moved to Crimea, built a house there and offered to take her granddaughter for the summer. Anna immediately agreed, because she was sure that her grandmother in Crimea is much better than her mother, who is struggling with depression, and her father, who cannot decide how to live on. nine0003

Sofia has left. First for the summer, and then her grandmother invited her to stay for another couple of months of warm autumn. As a result, winter came, Sofia went to school, then enrolled in an art school. Every time Anna asked her daughter if she wanted to return home, the girl answered that she would stay with her grandmother for a little longer. As a result, through joint discussions, it was decided that the daughter would come to visit Anna several times a year.

“This sense of alienation does not go away, and I am not sure that it ever will. My daughter is an unkind, unempathetic child. With age, everything becomes easier, simply because she becomes more independent. You can negotiate with her, you can switch to some other business. There is no longer such a total dependence. But love does not suddenly arise, ”says Anna. She also remembers the bright moments spent with her daughter, when it seemed to her that they were getting closer. And the moments when Anna felt love towards her daughter. But, according to her, this feeling is very fragile. And when another conflict happens, emotional kickbacks happen very quickly. nine0003

This is exactly what happened on my daughter's last visit. When Sophia arrives in Moscow, she lives with Anna, her husband and younger brother, whom she, according to the heroine, is jealous of. Once Sophia wanted to meet her dad, she and Anna agreed that during the day her daughter would do housework, and in the evening she would go to her dad. But it turned out that only one key remained at home. As soon as Anna told her daughter about this, she immediately burst into tears, called her father and said in hysterics that her mother was locking her at home. The ex-husband called Anna and threatened the police if she did not immediately let the child out of the house. “I was shaking and pounding all over, I let her go to my dad. And in a couple of days, through my grandmother, I find out that my daughter is going to live with her father, ”says the woman. nine0003

After this situation, Anna wrote a post in a Facebook group for mothers asking for advice on what to do when the child's father threatens the police. She described her story in detail, and in 15 minutes, fifty angry comments appeared under the post that Anna was a disgusting mother, and her daughter was very unlucky.

Anna admits that they do not feel guilty, although she has a feeling that she should have felt it: “A mother who deviates and does not comply with some traditions and norms will be condemned. The fact that I gave my daughter to my grandmother automatically makes me a monster, and hers an unhappy and poor child. But if I grew her on my own, killing my and her psyche, would that be right? nine0003

“Women regret motherhood in different ways,” explains Daria Utkina. “There are quite a few who experience only this feeling. More often these are ambivalent experiences: and regret, and love, and anger, and joy. And this is what happens the hardest. Because many believe that motherhood is only happiness, and all other feelings are strange and bad to experience .

It is very important for modern mothers to know that it is normal to be angry with a child or regret that with the appearance of a child in life there is less freedom and more responsibilities. nine0003

Anna has completely different feelings for her youngest son. Despite the fact that the birth was much more difficult, Anna lost a lot of blood and ended up in intensive care. But when she saw her son, she immediately felt a connection that she did not feel with her eldest daughter: “There were completely different feelings. Engagement immediately appeared: I knew this was my child, I gave birth to him.

Now Anna regrets that she cannot have the same feelings for her daughter. She worries that her daughter cannot be close to her in the same way as with her grandmother. But she is sure that she has chosen the best layout for herself and for her. nine0003

Anna believes that involvement in a child is a guarantee of happy motherhood: “When you have it, even if it’s hard for you, you understand why you endure all this. And if there is no inclusion, then this is hard labor - you just have to wait until the child grows up, goes into adulthood, and you become free. And there are no guarantees that this involvement will arise in every mother. This violation of chemistry can appear at any time.

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