How to tell your child their dog died

What to Say When a Pet Dies

Explaining the death of a pet to children

Written by Annie Stuart

When a pet dies, it's common for people to feel as though they've lost a member of the family. For children, this is often their first encounter with death. In an attempt to soften the blow, parents sometimes explain the death of a pet in vague ways or skirt the topic altogether. But experts say this just makes things worse by leaving children anxious and mystified.

Explaining a pet's death to children in a clear, respectful manner can go a long way toward making the journey a little less distressful, and at the same time enhance your connection with your child. Here are some of the most common questions parents ask about what to tell their children when a pet dies.

When a pet dies, what do children think and believe?

Young children aren't developmentally ready to understand death in the same way adults do. As their understanding deepens over time, the lens through which they view death changes too. From ages 3 to 5, children tend to view death as temporary and reversible. They may believe you can bring a pet back to life by taking it to the doctor for a shot. Magical thinking also may prompt your 4-year-old to believe they somehow caused the pet's death when they wished for a playful puppy to replace an elderly dog with bad breath and health problems.

From ages 6 to 8, children usually know death is irreversible but believe it only happens to others. They understand the concept but may not be able to accept that a death is happening to them. From ages 9 to 11, children come to understand that death is inevitable, even for them. However, children in these age ranges may still feel somewhat responsible for the pet's death, thinking their beloved pet may not have died if only they'd taken them for more dog walks or kept the water bowl full.

Of course, each child is unique, says Abigail McNamee, PhD, EdD, chair of the Department of Early Childhood and Childhood Education at City University of New York. McNamee says parents should consider the following questions: "How many experiences has your child had with death? How have you talked with him or her about death? What's been seen on television?" McNamee tells WebMD that all these things will influence your child's ability to understand and accept a pet's death.

Our cat was just run over by a car. What should I tell my children?

When a pet dies, be honest, accurate, and brief, advises McNamee. Parents tend to use euphemisms such as "passed away" or "went to sleep" to describe death. For a young child, words like these may end up creating confusion or even extreme fear about going to bed at night, McNamee says.

"Don't feel as though you have to give them a lot of information," says McNamee. "Tell them what happened, then see what comes from them, such as their feelings and ideas about how to handle the death."

Kimberly A. Cardeccia, MA, LPC, NCC, author of Healing Your Heart When Your Animal Friend is Gone: A Children's Pet Bereavement Workbook, says it is best to tell your children about the death right away. Then allow your children to ask questions. "Recognize that if they ask for details, they're asking for comfort," she says. "Spare them any details that would traumatize them or create a horrible picture in their minds. Make it sound as peaceful as you can."

When a pet dies, should children be present for euthanasia?

For a child under 5, McNamee advises not going into detail about euthanasia. Instead, when your pet dies in this manner, tell your child the dog was so sick or in so much pain that they died, or that the doctor needed to help them die.

If your child is older than 5, you can describe what euthanasia is and why it is sometimes necessary. Be prepared for blunt questions such as "Isn't that like killing someone?"

McNamee suggests asking a child 7 or older whether they want to be present for euthanasia. You can learn a lot, she says, by simply asking your child. If this is a new experience, describe in advance what to expect.

Cardeccia suggests having the veterinarian explain to your child what the pet's bodily reactions might be during euthanasia to dispel any concerns about the pet being in pain. Another option, she says, is to bring your child into the room right after the pet dies to say goodbye.

My child doesn't seem to be grieving. What's wrong?

Remember that grief in a child may not look the same as it does in an adult. "A child may not react in as sad a way as an adult might expect," says McNamee. They might go in and out of strong feelings - be intensely sad, then begin to play and act as if it hasn't happened.

Behavior is often the language of young children, so your child may display grief with a change in play. It's also common for a 7- to 9-year-old to ask morbid questions about the death, which are best answered directly and honestly.

Teens may have a different reaction. They may either under react or overreact, often caught in a place somewhere between childhood and adulthood. Your teen may not want to talk but may go off by themselves, says McNamee.

The important thing to know, she says, is that children of all ages grieve over pet loss. They just don't do it in the same way.

When a pet dies, what can I do to help my child?

Both Cardeccia and McNamee emphasize the importance of involving your children in the grieving process by asking them directly what they'd like to do. "Children need a process of saying goodbye," says McNamee, and you can help them do this in a variety of ways. Have them draw pictures of your pet. Share funny stories. Plant a tree in the backyard in honor of the pet. Put the pet's ashes and pictures on the fireplace mantle. These kinds of tangible steps may be more helpful to your child than talking alone.

There are also many children's books that explain the death of a pet to help with the grieving process. But read them first with an eye toward whether they promote misconceptions about death, says McNamee. Some do. Look for books that communicate that others have had a similar experience and feelings, McNamee says, and that it is okay to feel sad or angry. If you're reading these to your child, you can leave out any parts you feel are inappropriate.

In response to requests from parents for a helpful resource, Cardeccia created a workbook to help children grieve. "I wanted to create something that would open lines of communication between the parent and child," she says. She also wanted it to be a place to create a memorial for the pet.

You might ask your children whether they want to have a funeral, and explain to younger children that this is one way to help someone move into death, says McNamee. If you have religious beliefs about death or life after death, you can share these with your child. Be careful with younger children, though, to make sure they're clear about the finality of physical death, McNamee says.

I'm sad, too . . . is it okay to let my child see me grieve?

Cardeccia says it's okay for your child to see you being sad. But remember that there is a difference between crying and sobbing, which can be scary to a child.

McNamee agrees that heavy grieving around a child is overwhelming. To know whether you've gone too far, she says, "Ask yourself, 'Am I focused on my child, or myself?'"

When a pet dies, what should I do if my child has trouble letting go?

Again, remember that your child's grieving process may not look the same as yours. Things may seem fine one day, then a book or television program may trigger an outburst of grief. It's not uncommon for a child to return repeatedly to their sense of loss and grief, says McNamee.

So how will you know if your child needs extra support to resolve their grief? Here are a few signs to look for when your child can't get over the loss of a pet:

• Your child's sadness doesn't come and go but seems constant.
• Sadness lasts longer than a month.
• Your child has trouble in school, can't sleep or has other signs such as stomachaches - problems that didn't occur before the pet's death.

You can help by keeping the conversation as open as possible. Ask, "Are you feeling sad about Buddy's death? Would you like to talk with someone about it - either by yourself or with me?"

It may also help to recount your own childhood experiences with pet death or to allow your child to dramatize the death through play with stuffed animals.

When is it time to get another pet?

Respect the grieving process. Don't jump too quickly into getting another pet. And when you do, make it a family decision.

How quickly this occurs, or whether it occurs at all, is unique to each family. As a guideline, McNamee suggests waiting at least six months. For the child who is eager to get another pet right away, you can explain that your family needs to wait a while to allow time to say goodbye to your pet and to make sure everyone is ready to get a new one.

In the meantime, you can help your child anticipate the arrival of a new pet by starting the research process - thinking about the breed of dog you might want, the place to get it, and possible names. At the same time, your child can get more closure about their pet's death by helping to decide whether to keep the old pet's possessions or to buy new ones.

How to Explain a Pet's Death to Children – American Kennel Club

After reviewing the laboratory results and examining Bella for the last time, the veterinarian met with the dog’s owners and delivered news the Millers weren’t expecting. Their Golden Retriever‘s liver cancer had progressed and would not improve. The 12-year-old dog would not survive more than a few days.

Devastated by the thought of losing their dog, Sara and Ryan Miller knew another painful task loomed ahead. Beckett, their five-year-old son, would need to know that Bella—the buddy he had grown up with, would soon leave the family.

How to Say Goodbye

Making the difficult decision to euthanize a treasured canine companion is agonizing enough, but finding the right words to explain a dog’s death to a child proves heart-wrenching.

For many children, the first experience with the death of a loved one comes from losing a dog.

Helping kids comprehend and cope with their dogs’ final days shapes how they will process fatalities later in life.

“Children, specifically young children, do not understand death the way we do,” says Pamela Regan, Ph.D., a relationship scientist and research psychologist at California State University, Los Angeles. “Depending upon their age and maturity level, it may take weeks or months for them to accept that their dog is never coming back.”

Here are some ways to deal with this sensitive subject:

Have the Talk

When you learn about your dog’s fatal condition, it’s hard to fathom. Set aside uninterrupted time to explain it to your child in age-appropriate language.

“Don’t be afraid to have the conversation,” says Regan. “We think children don’t understand, as they may repeat the same questions over and over, but they’re only trying to process the information. They’re grappling with a new concept, so patience goes a long way.”

Give reasons why dogs die—accidents, illness, and old age. If the dog is still alive, share information about the dog’s condition and that a full recovery may not happen.

“Kids may ask questions you don’t have the answers to,” says Regan, “and that’s OK.”

"One day, I'll be as big as you!"

Honesty is the Best Policy

According to Regan, when explaining the dog’s condition to a child, use factual words, like death and dying. Avoid trying to soften the event by using euphemisms.

“Saying the dog went to sleep could be terrifying to a three-year-old, especially when it comes time for a nap,” says Regan. “Sugarcoating death with the dog moving to a magical place or living on a farm may sound easier but may cause misunderstanding later. Make it clear to your child that death means the dog will not return.”

For older children who want more information, tell them what you know in a way they can understand. Chances are they’ve heard references to death and dying and may have misconceptions. Correct any falsehoods and focus on comforting children.

Depending on the age and developmental level, every child deals with the news in its way.

Children under six years old will not understand the finality of death. To grasp this meaning, kids will play-act their dog’s demise or pretend it is still alive.

“Beckett grappled with the concept and told strangers that Bella had died,” remembers Sara Miller.

Regan says that telling anyone who will listen that the family dog died is one way that kids process the concept, Regan says. “They like to share new language, and he’s seeking confirmation that death is a real event.”

Avoid the Blame Game

Excusing the dog’s absence by saying the dog ran away after someone left the gate open leads to confusion. The child will want to search for the dog and will continually look for it.

Don’t blame the veterinarian. The child can feel discouraged and resist taking another dog to a veterinarian or from personally seeing a pediatrician when ill.

When Deb Eldredge, DVM, a New-York based veterinarian, meets with parents and children to discuss their dog’s imminent death, she explains that the dog is no longer comfortable or happy.

“I tell kids that I will be helping their dog so that it is no longer in pain,” says Dr. Eldredge. “I stay away from mentioning the afterlife because people have so many views.”

Support & Grieving Strategies

For support, parents can read books to their preschool and primary school-age children about what happens when dogs pass on. Prose and illustrations work wonders to open a dialogue about the beloved family dog that has passed away.

Older children may or may not want to know about euthanasia.

If they are curious about what happens at the time of death, Dr. Eldredge believes in telling the truth. She reveals the dog may take a big breath as the spirit leaves the body and may pee or poop.

“It’s important that children know that their dog doesn’t suffer when this happens,” says Dr. Eldredge. “Hopefully, this fact will comfort them.”

When Jody and Scott Berger learned that Tucker, their black Labrador Retriever, would not survive copper storage disease, they shared the information with their teenage sons. The couple relayed how much Tucker’s condition had deteriorated and wouldn’t improve.

“It helps to explain that euthanasia is compassion for the dog, not for the owner,” says Dr. Eldredge. “It’s a kind way to end a dog’s life and avoid more suffering.”

When the time came to euthanize Tucker, the couple hired a veterinarian to go to their Foothill Ranch, California home. When the doctor arrived, Tucker wobbled over to greet her with a sniff and a wagging tail. Minutes later, he meandered to his favorite spot in the yard and settled on his pillow.

“We relayed the details of the procedure—the sedative and the final injection that would stop the heart from beating,” says Jody Berger. “We gave the boys the choice to watch or not.”

Sixteen-year-old Jordan and 12-year-old Ethan gave Tucker the last belly rub and chose to watch from the window. Jordan cried while Ethan said he was sad but couldn’t cry.

“Let children know it’s OK to express grief in whatever way that feels right to them—crying, apathy, or numbness,” says Regan. “There’s no set time limit, and it’s normal if a child brings up a dog’s death weeks or months later.”

A memorial ritual can be helpful to recap the dog’s membership in the family. Young children can draw pictures of the dog, decorate a marker for the dog’s internment, or choose a favorite toy or collar to frame.

Giving children a task to express their grief will help them cope.

How to explain to children the death of a beloved cat or dog?

Recently you heard: “Mom, where is my dog? Why doesn't she live with us anymore? Will you leave too and never come back like her?” When a dog dies in the family, children often have a lot of questions and it can be difficult to figure out how to answer them. Explaining the death of a pet to a child is never an easy task. Depending on their age, mourning the loss of a dog (or impending death) can cause extreme confusion, not to mention depression, and children need the help of their parents to deal with the situation. But where to start? What to say? Everyone has their own approach to how to tell the child this news, and this is normal. If you don't know how to explain loss to your kids, these three tips can help. nine0003

1. Be honest.

You may want to soften the news of your dog's death, especially if your children are young. You might find it much easier to turn the truth around and tell them that their beloved pet should take care of another family in need, or that he followed his dream and set off to explore the wild jungles of Australia, but stories like this aren't always the best way out. . Although some people claim that children are smarter than they seem, the truth is that they understand a lot more intuitively, and not intellectually, as adults believe. nine0003

You know better how much truth you should tell your children, but being direct will help your child understand the situation and begin to understand their feelings. After all, death is an important part of life. Your children will experience this sooner or later, both as children and as adults, and although death is never an easy experience, learning about it in a safe environment will help them cope with future losses.

Remember that honesty does not necessarily mean that you have to give all the details. Choose the wording that is most comfortable for you, be sure to use the word with an "s" (as in the word "death"), but skip any gory details. If you're a religious person or need a way to soften the blow, you can mention that she's gone to dog heaven, but it's better to explain what that means in terms of your dog's life. Don't mislead a child by telling him that his beloved dog is somewhere else, wandering the world, as he will only get worse when he realizes the truth. nine0003

If your pet is still alive, talk to the children about his illness or injury before he dies. Explaining the death of a pet to a child is much easier if your son or daughter knows it's inevitable and isn't surprised by the news. However, sometimes accidents happen and some dogs die in their sleep. In this case, be patient when answering endless questions about whether your furry friend will return and choose your words carefully.

2. Acknowledge your children's feelings. nine0005

When explaining the death of a pet to a child, be prepared for a wide range of emotions. Your children may burst into tears, become hysterical, or even simply ignore your announcement. All these feelings and actions are a way of digesting the news. Young children are still learning to recognize their emotions, so they often turn to their parents to understand exactly how they feel. Mourning the death of a dog is hard work, so acknowledge their emotions whether or not you feel the same way. According to the Kübler-Ross model of grief, people go through five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. To best help your children cope with loss, try to understand what stage they are currently in, and remember that different children may be at different stages or progress to the next stage at different rates. nine0003

During the denial stage, gently remind your children that your dog is no longer alive. Be patient if they get angry. Explain to your children that there is nothing they can do to make a difference if they are in the bargaining stage. Try to encourage them if they feel sad, depressed, and alone, and always keep the memory of your pet, even after the acceptance stage.

And one more note: your emotions do not always coincide with the emotions of children. They can get it done faster than you expected and much faster than you can. This is fine. Just watch them for a while to make sure they don't keep their emotions to themselves. Conversely, your children may be discouraged much longer than necessary. Don't rush things. If you're worried about their emotional state, talk to a counselor about how to help them deal with their feelings and overcome their loss. nine0003

Additional note - it's okay if you go through these emotions too. This dog was your pet, so it's natural to feel the hole in your heart that was left when he left. Coping with loss is as important to you as it is to your children. They will rely on you, so you need to gather strength for them to help them get through this difficult time, but you should not keep your emotions in yourself either. Children are very persistent; you may even find that you are leaning on them in an attempt to get through this grief more than they are leaning on you. nine0003

3. Have a farewell ceremony with your pet.

Now that you've explained the death of a pet to your child, you may be wondering how your family can let go of the situation and move on after this unfortunate event. Your dog has been the most beloved and it will be hard to go about your daily life without his fun activities in your home. However, children will look to you as an example of how to live without a dog.

One of the best ways to help children mourn the loss of a dog is to invite them to hold a farewell ceremony for your pet. To do this, you can share stories about happy moments or funny things that happened to your close-knit family. Think of it like a memorial service. Invite your grandparents, family friends, or even the neighborhood dogs. Let your children take part in the planning. They can read a poem or make a collage with photos of the pet. nine0003

You can even make a memorial album with your children about your dog's life. Start with photos from the very first day she entered your home as a puppy, and don't forget to include photos of you playing and fun facts about your pet. For example, an older child might write about how their dog enjoyed riding down the slide in the backyard. The younger one can draw a family portrait to add to the album. Thanks to this, you and your children will always have something tangible as a memory of a four-legged friend. nine0003

Another option is to donate your dog's belongings, such as leftover unopened treats or food, medicines or toys, to your veterinary clinic or local animal shelter. Your pet would love to know that their items help take care of other animals or make them happy. In addition, your children will be able to cope with grief by helping others. They will see with their own eyes the joy they bring to the life of another animal, and this can help them move on. nine0003

If you are still nervous about explaining the death of a pet to a child, ask your veterinarian for help. He has spoken to families many times about illness, injury, and sadly death, so he can give you sage advice on how to discuss loss with your children. Remember that this will take some time. Never try to brush off your emotions as this can only make the situation worse. Don't jump right into getting another dog if you don't feel really ready - even if your kids beg for it. Until you truly deal with your feelings, the other dog won't be able to get all the love it deserves. nine0003

Contributor Bio

Erin Ollila

Erin Ollila is a pet lover who believes in the power of words and that her ideas can not only inform but change her target audience. Her articles can be found all over the internet and in print. Follow her on Twitter @ReinventingErin or find out more at http://erinollila.com.

How to talk to your child about the death of a pet - Teacher's newspaper

Children, like adults, quickly get used to pets and treat them like family members. But there comes a time when you have to part with your pet. Explaining to a child what is happening can be difficult. Lyubov Nefedova, a teacher-psychologist of the children's educational center, the author of manuals for the development of the child's cognitive abilities, spoke about how to do this. nine0040