How to stop your child from worrying

Helping Kids When They Worry (for Parents)

Reviewed by: Holly M. Antal, PhD

Psychology (Behavioral Health) at Nemours Children's Health

en español Ayudar a los niños cuando se preocupan

As kids grow, they face many new things. Starting school. Meeting new friends. Learning to swim. Competing in sports. Learning to drive. Each new thing can feel like a big step forward.

When kids and teens face new things, they often feel a mix of emotions. Facing something new — even when it's a good thing — can be stressful. It's natural to feel excited about what's ahead — and to worry about whether they're ready to handle it.

Worry isn't all bad. It can be helpful as long as it doesn't last too long, become too intense, or happen too often.

Worry is a caution signal. It's a natural response to a big event, change, or challenge. Worry is a way of thinking and feeling ahead: "Am I ready for this? What's going to happen? Is it safe to go ahead? What do I need to do to get ready? How will I do it? What if I feel nervous?"

Thinking through the part they worry about — calmly and with support from parents — can help kids get ready for what's ahead. When kids feel prepared, they can focus on the part they're looking forward to.

How Adults Can Help

Sometimes kids avoid things that feel new or challenging. But doing new things (that are safe and right for their age) helps kids grow. With each new challenge they can gain skills and confidence.

Parents can help kids and teens face new things without letting worry hold them back. Here’s how:

Spend time with them. Do this every day, even if it's just a few minutes. Do things together that you both enjoy. Go for a walk, cook, eat, play — or just hang out. Find ways to smile and laugh together. This keeps the bond between you strong and positive. And it creates moments for kids to open up naturally.
Ask what's on their minds. Help kids label what they think and feel. They might not always have a lot to say. And they might not always want to talk about what's on their minds. But let kids know you're open to listening and talking any time.
Listen with patience. When kids and teens want to talk, listen with your full attention. Give them time to put their thoughts and feelings into words. Ask questions to hear more. Don't be too quick to give advice. Let them confide. Listen calmly to what they have to say.
Validate. Let kids know you understand. Say it’s okay to feel how they feel. Tell them their feelings are normal. Try not to say, "There's nothing to worry about." This can make kids think they shouldn't feel the way they do. Instead, listen calmly and accept how they feel. That makes it easier for kids to share.
Help kids think of how to handle things. Help them feel capable. Don't jump in to solve things for them. Instead, invite kids and teens to think of what they can do. Support their good ideas. Talk it through together. Remind them of times they tried something new and it went well. Offer to help as needed.
Help them practice. When possible, help kids break a new thing into small steps. Let them practice one step at a time as they build toward their goal. Celebrate each success.
Encourage. Praise your child's effort and progress. Tell them what they said or did that made you proud. Help them relax so that stress and worry don't build up.
Help them expect good things. Ask your child or teen to share what's going well and what they look forward to. Ask about the good things that happen in their day. Tell them about the good things in your day, too. Let them know that it’s OK to talk about worries but it helps to put more focus on the good moments.
Soothe and comfort. At times, kids and teens may feel overwhelmed by worry. In those moments, trying to talk it through isn't likely to help. It might help more to offer comfort and understanding. Remind them that you're there to help them through things that happen. Teach them to use calm breathing to relax their mind and body.

What if My Child Worries too Much?

Sometimes worries become worse with time. When kids worry too much, it’s hard to enjoy school, activities or friends. Worries can start to affect sleeping or eating. They can lead kids to feel anxious or afraid, and to avoid things they might enjoy. Worry like this could be a sign of an anxiety disorder.

If your child has worry, stress, or anxiety that seems too hard for them to handle, talk with your child's doctor or a mental health doctor. Childhood anxiety can get better with the right treatment and support.

Reviewed by: Holly M. Antal, PhD

Date reviewed: October 2021

How to Cope With an Anxious Child

When children are chronically anxious, even the most well-meaning parents, not wanting a child to suffer, can actually make the youngster’s anxiety worse. It happens when parents try to protect kids from their fears. Here are pointers for helping children escape the cycle of anxiety.

1. The goal isn’t to eliminate anxiety, but to help a child manage it.

None of us wants to see a child unhappy, but the best way to help kids overcome anxiety isn’t to try to remove stressors that trigger it. It’s to help them learn to tolerate their anxiety and function as well as they can, even when they’re anxious. And as a byproduct of that, the anxiety will decrease over time.

2. Don’t avoid things just because they make a child anxious.

Helping children avoid the things they are afraid of will make them feel better in the short term, but it reinforces the anxiety over the long run. Let’s say a child in an uncomfortable situation gets upset and starts to cry — not to be manipulative, but just because that’s how they feel. If their parents whisk them out of there, or remove the thing they’re afraid of, the child has learned that coping mechanism. And that cycle has the potential to repeat itself.

3. Express positive — but realistic — expectations.

You can’t promise a child that their fears are unrealistic—that they won’t fail a test, that they’ll have fun ice skating, or that another child won’t laugh at them during show & tell. But you can express confidence that they’re going to be okay, that they will be able to manage it. And you can let them know that as they face those fears, the anxiety level will drop over time. This gives them confidence that your expectations are realistic, and that you’re not going to ask them to do something they can’t handle.

4. Respect their feelings, but don’t empower them.

It’s important to understand that validation doesn’t always mean agreement. So if a child is terrified about going to the doctor because they’re due for a shot, you don’t want to belittle those fears, but you also don’t want to amplify them. You want to listen and be empathetic, help them understand what they’re anxious about, and encourage them to feel that they can face their fears. The message you want to send is, “I know you’re scared, and that’s okay, and I’m here, and I’m going to help you get through this.”

5. Don’t ask leading questions.

Encourage your child to talk about their feelings, but try not to ask leading questions— “Are you anxious about the big test? Are you worried about the science fair?” To avoid feeding the cycle of anxiety, just ask open-ended questions: “How are you feeling about the science fair?”

What you don’t want to do is be saying, with your tone of voice or body language: “Maybe this is something that you should be afraid of.” Let’s say a child has had a negative experience with a dog. Next time they’re around a dog, you might be anxious about how they will respond, and you might unintentionally send a message that they should, indeed, be worried.

7. Encourage the child to tolerate their anxiety.

Let your child know that you appreciate the work it takes to tolerate anxiety in order to do what they want or need to do. It’s really encouraging them to engage in life and to let the anxiety take its natural curve. We call it the “habituation curve.” That means that it will drop over time as he continues to have contact with the stressor. It might not drop to zero, it might not drop as quickly as you would like, but that’s how we get over our fears.

8. Try to keep the anticipatory period short.

When we’re afraid of something, the hardest time is really before we do it. So another rule of thumb for parents is to really try to eliminate or reduce the anticipatory period. If a child is nervous about going to a doctor’s appointment, you don’t want to launch into a discussion about it two hours before you go; that’s likely to get your child more keyed up. So just try to shorten that period to a minimum.

9. Think things through with the child.

Sometimes it helps to talk through what would happen if a child’s fear came true—how would they handle it? A child who’s anxious about separating from their parents might worry about what would happen if a parent didn’t come to pick them up. So we talk about that. If your mom doesn’t come at the end of soccer practice, what would you do? “Well I would tell the coach my mom’s not here.” And what do you think the coach would do? “Well he would call my mom. Or he would wait with me.” A child who’s afraid that a stranger might be sent to pick them up can have a code word from their parents that anyone they sent would know. For some kids, having a plan can reduce the uncertainty in a healthy, effective way.

10. Try to model healthy ways of handling anxiety.

There are multiple ways you can help kids handle anxiety by letting them see how you cope with anxiety yourself. Kids are perceptive, and they’re going to take it in if you keep complaining on the phone to a friend that you can’t handle the stress or the anxiety. I’m not saying to pretend that you don’t have stress and anxiety, but let kids hear or see you managing it calmly, tolerating it, feeling good about getting through it.

Video Resources for Kids

Teach your kids mental health skills with video resources from The California Healthy Minds, Thriving Kids Project.

Start Watching

8 ways to help a child who is nervous before a performance

It is not uncommon for children to become very nervous before public speaking, whether it be a school concert, sports competition, or even reading a report in front of the class, and sometimes they try to avoid them. This also happens to children who can calmly recite poems and dance at home. Why is this happening and how can we help them cope with this fear? Psychologist Ekaterina Istratova has prepared some important tips for parents of such babies. nine0003

Ekaterina Istratova, psychologist, physician, head of the School of Successful Moms, author of many published books for women, mother of two sons

Non-Childish Problem

The ability to speak to the public is an art, the possession of which is required in many areas of human activity. But the vast majority of people experience a lot of inconvenience when going out to make a speech. And it doesn't matter how long the speech is and how big the audience is. For many, even a small expression of their opinion at a meeting of colleagues turns into hell. Almost everyone who has spoken and speaks in public wants several things:

Go out to the audience without fear and excitement.
Be able to speak clearly and clearly.
Be able to think quickly and clearly, and communicate clearly to an audience.
Learn how to influence the audience with your oratory skills.

It is possible and necessary to master all these skills. How to reach the heights of public speaking? There is only one way - regular training!

Different children - different attitude to the situation

It is clear that we all want to raise our children to be successful, so we try to help them learn public speaking skills. And no matter where our child performs: at a children's matinee, reads a report at school, sings or dances in front of the audience - we worry about him and want to help him cope with this situation in the best possible way.

There are children who love to be seen. At every opportunity (and even without it), they try to show themselves and their skills. Such children just need not to interfere with doing what they like. Parental jerks "Well, what are you like an upstart!" or the teacher’s remarks “We didn’t call you this time, you don’t fit” can eventually kill the child’s desire to go out to the audience. nine0003

There are children who, due to their temperament and hereditary characteristics, do not like to be seen. It becomes difficult for them to think and speak on stage or in front of a class. The main help for such a child is never to force him to do what is difficult for him. “You will make a presentation, since I spent a lot of effort to get you into this class!”, “You speak - I will buy you a new phone”, “If you refuse, dad will take over!” ... Manipulations, threats, coercion will only do worse. If the child has a choice, the opportunity to decide on his own, he will probably want to learn how to cope with his fears in the future. That's when you need to support him. nine0003

What Parents Can Do

We are all very individual, each with our own situation, so there is no one solution and no magic pill for everyone. I will offer you some recommendations that have helped other children. Maybe something will work for you too.

Create a supportive environment

This is especially important for your child's first public appearances. He will not be able to foresee everything and not worry, so it is important for the baby how he will be received. Let him just enjoy and get used to the stage at the first performances. nine0003

I know a girl from elementary school who traveled all summer with her parents and collected interesting material for a report at school. When, having returned to class in the fall, she began to enthusiastically talk about other countries, the teacher abruptly interrupted her: “We have enough interesting things of our own! Get in! Who has a report about our city?" After that, the girl completely lost her desire to go to school, not to mention the preparation of reports.

Therefore, for the first performances, choose your own supportive and understanding audience. Having started his performances, albeit small ones, in front of a benevolent audience, the child will subsequently be easier to cope with the upcoming difficulties, which will still happen from time to time. nine0003

Choose the right outfit

Performance clothing should be comfortable and baby-friendly. Thoughts like "I look like a dick in this suit" won't help a child feel the self-confidence we need. Spiky sequins, tight belts, loose parts of the costume and other little things not only will not allow you to enjoy the scene, but will painfully distract from the program.

Let the tension go

A few years ago, I was on the radio, and one day an elementary school girl called the studio and asked how she could not worry at the blackboard. I asked if she knew the lesson. “Yes, I know everything well and I can tell, but not in front of the class,” she said. “And what do you do during the break before the lesson?” I asked. “I am standing in front of the entrance to the classroom against the wall and waiting for the bell to ring,” the schoolgirl answered in a low voice. While everyone was running and resting from the desk, she stood motionless and thought about the upcoming answer. Then I suggested that she try to run and jump before the lessons, in which she would have to answer at the blackboard. nine0003

The excitement before a performance is always accompanied by an adrenaline rush that rages inside and does not allow us to concentrate. It's important to let him go. Find comfortable physical activity for your child to reduce fear. Then you need to rest a little - and you can go out to the audience or listeners.

Listen to the child's requests

It is believed that the presence of a parent in the hall is a powerful support for a child who is dancing, singing or attending a theater group. Often this is the case, but not always. Some children do not want their parents to be present in the hall and see their performance. nine0003

No need to argue, persuade, and even more so cause a feeling of guilt: “How can I not go and see?! We prepared so much, and I will be left without your performance?!”, “You won’t see me, I’ll stand far, far away”, “Who will shoot you?! No, I'll be in front of the stage! We still need to send a video to grandma.”

If your task is to help your child learn speaking skills for himself and his future, and not to satisfy your own or your grandmother's ambitions, then just say: “Okay, I'll keep my fists at home (on the street; behind the stage). If you ever need me, let me know." nine0003

Take your child to a section that is interesting to him

There are different clubs that help you learn to speak fluently, to behave easily on stage, to practice speaking. If your child wants to attend such classes - great! There are junior speaker clubs, self-confidence training, leadership programs and, of course, theater studios. If a child ends up in a good place, the knowledge and skills acquired there will definitely stay with him for a long time and even forever.

Train with the whole family

Be sure to practice speaking with your family. It can be Sunday dinners, for example, when you gather with the whole family and everyone prepares their performance in front of the audience: a song, a dance, a puppet theater performance, a report about something interesting, told to everyone. Such a tradition will not only help your child cope with performances much better, enrich his experience, but also bring you closer to each other. Your warm relationship is the greatest support and protection for the child in everything. nine0003

Find a "helper"

You may have seen young athletes take to the court or stage with their toy mascot. Before bowing to the audience, they, with the permission of the jury, plant their talisman in front of them. This gives them strength and confidence in their excellent performance.

Try to offer your child this way to gain strength. If he agrees, choose the talisman together. Do not criticize his bunny or bear, but support this choice. This is his talisman, and he sees in it something of his own, important to him. If it is not possible to take the toy onto the stage, let the child himself come up with a place for her, where she should wait for him and fill him with confidence. nine0003

For many kids, just seeing their talisman is enough. Before the performance, the child looks at him and mentally winks: "Well, I'm starting."

Praise!

It is always important to praise the child after the performance. List all, all the moments where he was a great fellow. Discuss the shortcomings that almost always exist, discuss later and carefully: “What do you think you can do to make this sound even better?”, “Can I help you somehow so that you are even more confident here?”. nine0003

There are many tips that can help a child. Run-throughs, rehearsals of the program, analysis of the structure and accents of the performance, and much more are important. But you probably already know about this. I wish that your child not only performs successfully, but also gets a lot of pleasure from communicating with the public.

See also:

How to develop children's creativity through drawing

How to instill in a child an interest and love for nature

How to raise a leader

Photo: Yuganov Konstantin/Syda Productions/Africa Studio / Shutterstock.com

childreneducationdevelopmentpsychological adviceschool

What to do if a child is afraid of public speaking?

home

Parents

How to raise a child?

What to do if the child is afraid of public speaking?

Tags:
3-7 years
7-12 years old
teenager

Many parents are often faced with a situation where a child is very active at home - recites poetry, dances, sings, actively communicates with relatives and friends who have come to visit, but in kindergarten or school is completely lost when it comes to performing in front of the public. Why this happens and how to help a child overcome his fear, will tell "I am a Parent." nine0003

Where does the fear of public speaking come from?

Public speaking, whether it is a report, a congratulatory speech, sports competitions or a creative competition, is an event that absolutely any person is worried about, regardless of his age. Adults know how to control their emotions, unlike children who have not yet developed self-control.

Fear of losing in competitions, forgetting words while reading poetry at a children's matinee, answering incorrectly at the blackboard, a child also arises because a positive example is always in front of his eyes - his parents, who are not afraid of anything and who always succeed. Children are very sensitive, and if something doesn’t work out for a baby, he gets very upset and comes to the conclusion that he is unworthy of his mom and dad. The closer the emotional connection between the child and parents and the more they seek to calm him down after another failure, the more the baby scolds himself for not being able to meet the expectations of mom and dad. nine0003

In other words, the fear of making a mistake in front of the public is a social fear, and at its root lies the desire to meet the requirements and norms dictated by the surrounding society, as well as the desire not to upset your loved ones and meet their expectations.

Let's conquer fear together!

To help your child overcome their fear of public speaking, follow a few simple guidelines.

Never force a child to perform at events in which he absolutely does not want to take part! You should not blackmail the baby, promising him a new toy or a trip to the cinema in exchange for agreeing to perform. Forget about threats from the category "If you do not take part, then I will deprive you of sweets for a week or will not allow you to watch cartoons." This will further exacerbate children's fear. It is better to offer the kid an alternative option: not to participate in the event yourself, but to visit it and just look at the performances of other participants. Let the child watch his peers from the side, especially if it is the first collective event in his life. He will see how the competition (holiday, competition, etc.) is going on and will understand that there is nothing really terrible in this. nine0003
Explain to your child that the excitement before speaking in public is a natural feeling experienced by absolutely everyone, not only children, but also adults. It’s just that someone knows how to disguise it well, so outwardly it may not be visible that a person is worried. Teach him to relax before going on stage or to the board: a few deep breaths in and out, and thoughts of something pleasant for the child can help with this.
Always be close to your child when they are speaking in public. Children performing in front of a large number of people always look for their parents in the audience first of all, because their presence gives them a sense of security and self-confidence. If we are not talking about competitions and competitions, but about the answer at the school at the blackboard, where the presence of parents is excluded, teach the child to represent people he knows instead of classmates: mom, dad, grandparents and other relatives. Explain to your child that despite the fact that you are not directly present at his speech, at this time you will morally support him and think about his success. nine0003
Home concerts and performances can help in the fight against the fear of the public. Make it a rule to have creative evenings at least once a week in a warm company of relatives and friends. It can be poetry readings, interesting competitions, song performances or home theater. The child will get used to performing in front of a large number of people, and it will be much easier for him to appear on stage in front of strangers.
Don't forget the benefits of rehearsing before performing in public. If your child has to read poetry, dance, sing a song, or read a report at the blackboard, let him practice at home, where you, grandparents, or invited friends will act as spectators. nine0003
Help your child to prepare for a successful performance. Speak words of support to him - it helps a lot to cope with anxiety. Do not skimp on praise, but do not praise the child either. Instead of the phrases “You will be the best”, “Your performance will outshine all the others”, it is better to say simply “You are great”, “You can do it”, “You will do great”.
If a child is afraid that his performance may not please the audience, explain to him that clearly learned words of a poem or song, or technically well executed dance moves, are not all that is required for success. Teach your baby to find contact with the audience: looking at the audience, and not at the far wall of the hall, gesticulating with your hands when reciting, an open smile - all this will help win over the audience. nine0003
Never scold a child if his performance was not going well. Do not tell your child that you are disappointed in him, that he performed poorly, as this will only increase his fear of the next attempts. It is better to tell the child that you really liked his performance, that you are proud of him, that participation is sometimes much more important than winning, and that he will have many more chances to prove himself.
Learn more