How to smack your child

Disciplining Your Child (for Parents)

Whatever your child's age, it's important to be consistent when it comes to discipline. If parents don't stick to the rules and consequences they set up, their kids aren't likely to either.

Here are some ideas about how to vary your approach to discipline to best fit your family.

Ages 0 to 2

Babies and toddlers are naturally curious. So it's wise to eliminate temptations and no-nos — items such as TVs and video equipment, stereos, jewelry, and especially cleaning supplies and medicines should be kept well out of reach.

When your crawling baby or roving toddler heads toward an unacceptable or dangerous play object, calmly say "No" and either remove your child from the area or distract him or her with an appropriate activity.

Timeouts can be effective discipline for toddlers. A child who has been hitting, biting, or throwing food, for example, should be told why the behavior is unacceptable and taken to a designated timeout area — a kitchen chair or bottom stair — for a minute or two to calm down (longer timeouts are not effective for toddlers).

It's important to not spank, hit, or slap a child of any age. Babies and toddlers are especially unlikely to be able to make any connection between their behavior and physical punishment. They will only feel the pain of the hit.

And don't forget that kids learn by watching adults, particularly their parents. Make sure your behavior is role-model material. You'll make a much stronger impression by putting your own belongings away rather than just issuing orders to your child to pick up toys while your stuff is left strewn around.

Ages 3 to 5

As your child grows and begins to understand the connection between actions and consequences, make sure you start communicating the rules of your family's home.

Explain to kids what you expect of them before you punish them for a behavior. The first time your 3-year-old uses crayons to decorate the living room wall, discuss why that's not allowed and what will happen if your child does it again (for instance, your child will have to help clean the wall and will not be able to use the crayons for the rest of the day). If the wall gets decorated again a few days later, issue a reminder that crayons are for paper only and then enforce the consequences.

The earlier that parents establish this kind of "I set the rules and you're expected to listen or accept the consequences" standard, the better for everyone. Although it's sometimes easier for parents to ignore occasional bad behavior or not follow through on some threatened punishment, this sets a bad precedent. Empty threats undermine your authority as a parent, and make it more likely that kids will test limits. Consistency is the key to effective discipline, and it's important for parents to decide (together, if you are not a single parent) what the rules are and then uphold them.

While you become clear on what behaviors will be punished, don't forget to reward good behaviors. Don't underestimate the positive effect that your praise can have — discipline is not just about punishment, but also about recognizing good behavior. For example, saying "I'm proud of you for sharing your toys at playgroup" is usually more effective than punishing a child who didn't share. And be specific when giving praise rather than just saying "Good job!" You want to make it clear which behaviors you liked. This makes them more likely to happen in the future — the more attention we give to a behavior, the more likely it is to continue.

If your child continues an unacceptable behavior no matter what you do, try making a chart with a box for each day of the week. Decide how many times your child can misbehave before a punishment kicks in or how long the proper behavior must be seen before it is rewarded. Post the chart on the refrigerator and then track the good and unacceptable behaviors every day. This will give your child (and you) a concrete look at how it's going. Once this begins to work, praise your child for learning to control misbehavior and, especially, for overcoming any stubborn problem.

Timeouts also can work well for kids at this age. Pick a suitable timeout place, such as a chair or bottom step, that's free of distractions. Remember, getting sent to your room isn't effective if a computer, TV, or games are there. Also, a timeout is time away from any type of reinforcement. So your child shouldn't get any attention from you while in a timeout — including talking, eye contact, etc.

Be sure to consider the length of time that will work best for your child. Experts say 1 minute for each year of age is a good rule of thumb; others recommend using the timeout until the child is calmed down (to teach self-regulation). Make sure that if a timeout happens because your child didn't follow directions, you follow through with the direction after the timeout.

It's important to tell kids what the right thing to do is, not just to say what the wrong thing is. For example, instead of saying "Don't jump on the couch," try "Please sit on the furniture and put your feet on the floor."

Be sure to give clear, direct commands. Instead of "Could you please put your shoes on?" say "Please put your shoes on." This leaves no room for confusion and does not imply that following directions is a choice.

Ages 6 to 8

Timeouts and consequences are also effective discipline strategies for this age group.

Again, consistency is crucial, as is follow-through. Make good on any promises of discipline or else you risk undermining your authority. Kids have to believe that you mean what you say. This is not to say you can't give second chances or allow a certain margin of error, but for the most part, you should act on what you say.

Be careful not to make unrealistic threats of punishment ("Slam that door and you'll never watch TV again!") in anger, since not following through could weaken all your threats. If you threaten to turn the car around and go home if the squabbling in the backseat doesn't stop, make sure you do exactly that. The credibility you'll gain with your kids is much more valuable than a lost beach day.

Huge punishments may take away your power as a parent. If you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change behaviors because everything has already been taken away. It may help to set some goals that kids can meet to earn back privileges that were taken away for misbehavior.

Ages 9 to 12

Kids in this age group — just as with all ages — can be disciplined with natural consequences. As they mature and request more independence and responsibility, teaching them to deal with the consequences of their behavior is an effective and appropriate method of discipline.

For example, if your fifth grader's homework isn't done before bedtime, should you make him or her stay up to do it or even lend a hand yourself? Probably not — you'll miss an opportunity to teach a key life lesson. If homework is incomplete, your child will go to school the next day without it and suffer the resulting bad grade.

It's natural for parents to want to rescue kids from mistakes, but in the long run they do kids a favor by letting them fail sometimes. Kids see what behaving improperly can mean and probably won't make those mistakes again. However, if your child does not seem to be learning from natural consequences, set up some of your own to help change the behavior. Removing privileges such as electronics can be an effective consequence for this age group.

Ages 13 and Up

By now you've laid the groundwork. Your child knows what's expected and that you mean what you say about the penalties for bad behavior. Don't let down your guard now — discipline is just as important for teens as it is for younger kids. Just as with;the 4-year-old who needs you to set a bedtime and enforce it, your teen needs boundaries, too.

Set up rules regarding homework, visits by friends, curfews, and dating and discuss them beforehand with your teenager so there will be no misunderstandings. Your teen will probably complain from time to time, but also will realize that you're in control. Believe it or not, teens still want and need you to set limits and enforce order in their lives, even as you grant them greater freedom and responsibility.

When your teen does break a rule, taking away privileges may seem the best plan of action. While it's fine to take away the car for a week, for example, be sure to also discuss why coming home an hour past curfew is unacceptable and worrisome.

Remember to give a teenager some control over things. Not only will this limit the number of power struggles you have, it will help your teen respect the decisions that you do need to make. You could allow a younger teen to make decisions concerning school clothes, hair styles, or even the condition of his or her room. As your teen gets older, that realm of control might be extended to include an occasional relaxed curfew.

It's also important to focus on the positives. For example, have your teen earn a later curfew by demonstrating positive behavior instead of setting an earlier curfew as punishment for irresponsible behavior.

A Word About Spanking

Perhaps no form of discipline is more controversial than spanking. Here are some reasons why experts discourage spanking:

Spanking teaches kids that it's OK to hit when they're angry.
Spanking can physically harm children.
Rather than teaching kids how to change their behavior, spanking makes them fearful of their parents and teaches them to avoid getting caught.
For kids seeking attention by acting out, spanking may "reward" them — negative attention is better than no attention at all.

Smacking children: The only time you should do it

Physical punishments to correct our children’s behaviour can sometimes be seen as child abuse. You’d be surprised why there’s still a case for smacking.

My husband and I have been married for 11 years. During those years, there is one issue that has sparked more arguments than any other: the disciplining of our children. Growing up, my husband and I come from very different family backgrounds with completely opposite approaches to discipline. And naturally, each of us tends to assume the way we were raised was right—or at least normal.

My husband’s parents were quite strict and expected him and his sisters to obey them simply “because I said so”, with little room for questions or explanations. If they did not obey straight away, they could expect to be given a smack. There were rules about most aspects of daily life and the rules were fairly inflexible.

My parents were the opposite. I don’t remember having any rules at all and punishment was extremely rare—I remember being smacked only twice in my whole life! Once was when I was about to cross a busy road without looking. And let’s just say the other one involved a skipping rope handle and a brand new piano. Usually, my parents simply explained why we should not do something and that must have been enough for me and my sister.

Since having our own children, there have been many occasions when my husband and I have disagreed about discipline. Generally, my husband thinks we need to be tougher and I think we need to be more understanding. It has been really important for us to make time to discuss the issue at hand (in private), seeking to understand the other person’s perspective and find a middle road.

Read on to find out whether it’s even legal to spank or smack your child, and the best way to manage their behaviour—yes, even when they throw tantrums. We also have a very handy step-by-step process you can download to help you with disciplining your child and better manage parent-child relationships.

What the law says about smacking children

Before we go on, let’s talk definitions. The word smack has very different meanings for people. In the context of this article, smacking or spanking a child means hitting them with an open hand, usually on the buttocks.

Smacking children and Australia law

According to the Australian Institute of Family Studies, smacking falls under the umbrella of corporal punishment. It’s the use of physical force to correct a child’s behaviour.

In Australia, corporal punishment by a parent or carer is lawful provided it is reasonable. ctually defining the forms of physical punishment of children and what is reasonable, however, can be problematic as it can be difficult to draw a line. Does smacking (as defined above) fall into the same form of physical violence such as kicking, belting, shaking or biting?

New South Wales is the only Australian state that has made an attempt at outlining what constitutes “unreasonable”: Force applied to any part of the head or neck of a child or to any other part of the body that results in bruising, marking or other injury lasting longer than a “short period” is unreasonable.

Smacking children and New Zealand law

Unlike Australia, New Zealand amended section 59 of the Crimes Act in 2007, which meant using “reasonable force” to discipline a child is illegal in the country.

The aim of the amendment was not, as some claimed, to make raising children all the more difficult for parents. Instead, it was to remove the “reasonable force” defence when parents and caregivers are being prosecuted for assault on children—and you’d expect them to be facing court due to savage beatings, not a light smack on the bottom.

Discipline and behaviour management of young children

The thing that has helped me and my husband to find common ground on this issue of smacking (and many others) has been going back to God’s Word, the Bible. It has helped us to lay down some solid foundations for a unified approach. So what does the Bible say?

We often use the word discipline to mean punishing a child for doing the wrong thing. But the Bible’s definition is much broader. In the Bible, the word discipline means something more like discipling (making disciples).

As Christians, we are inviting our children to follow us as we follow Jesus. In other words, the Bible sees childhood as a kind of apprenticeship in their parents’ character and values; discipline refers to a whole range of “tools” parents can use in this process.

On the proactive side, discipline involves:

Modelling
Teaching
Encouraging
Training
Setting clear expectations

On the reactive side, it involves:

Praising
Correcting
Rebuking
Letting children experience the consequences of their actions

According to the Bible, there is only one perfect parent: God. To find out what it means to discipline our children, we first need to look at His example. When we put our trust in Jesus, God adopts us as His spiritual children. As our heavenly Father, God wants us to grow up to share His character and values.

The Bible encourages us to “endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children”. Later we read, “We have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness”.

Our human discipline is imperfect: we have limited wisdom, limited patience and a limited timeframe. But God’s discipline of His spiritual children is perfect. In His infinite wisdom, God allows us to experience hard things so that we will mature into people who share His character and values.

As we discipline our children, we are also being disciplined by our loving heavenly Father. The Bible is clear that the heart of discipline—both God’s and ours—is love for our children. In Proverbs we read, “My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline, and do not resent his rebuke, because the Lord disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in”.

Our discipline should be a sign, not of anger or frustration, but of our love and commitment to our children.

Because we love our children, we care deeply about what kind of people they are becoming. According to the Bible, parents are responsible for helping their children grow towards physical and moral maturity. We need to pass on to our children the skills and values that will enable them to live a full and meaningful life.

When smacking children is acceptable

As we saw earlier, discipline is not the same thing as punishment. While punishment looks back to a wrong committed, discipline looks forward to the goal. As Christian parents, our ultimate goal is to teach our children to follow Jesus; we want them to become children of God and reflect His values in the world.

Once our children are adults, they will be responsible for their own moral decisions. So the goal of childhood discipline is also self-discipline: we are equipping our children with the skills to make good choices for life.

The book of Proverbs talks about the “rod” as a means of parental discipline: “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them”. Some Christians believe that this verse requires Christian parents to discipline their children in a physical way.

Others interpret the “rod” in Proverbs as a symbol of disciplinary punishment as a whole, and so choose to use different kinds of negative consequences for their children, such as time-outs, allowing natural consequences, withdrawing privileges or giving extra chores. This approach follows the advice of parenting experts who discourage physical discipline, because they see it as unnecessary, ineffective, open to abuse and harmful for a child’s mental health.

At the very least, the use of the “rod” in Proverbs certainly implies that smacking can be one element of loving discipline, alongside all of the others mentioned above.

Like any form of discipline, it needs to be done calmly and consistently; it needs to be done out of love, not anger.

On this issue, I believe it is vital for Christian parents to encourage each other in our shared goals for discipline—to lovingly guide, teach and disciple our children—even if we disagree on the specific details of how to get there.

All parents are human—we will inevitably get discipline wrong sometimes. All human parents are prone to get impatient or inconsistent in our discipline. We can get lazy and focus on the negative, reactive aspects of discipline, while neglecting the positive, proactive things we can do to encourage our children’s discipleship. The Bible actually warns against this tendency, saying, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord”.

Our children are human too—and so, good discipline does not guarantee our children will grow up to share our character and values as adults.

In spite of these realities, God has entrusted our children into our care. As their parents, we are responsible for helping them move towards maturity as disciples of Jesus and children of God. With God as our model of loving, goal-oriented discipline, we ought to love our children enough to teach, train, encourage, correct—and sometimes punish them—for the sake of their long-term growth.

And no matter what happens, we and our children can always run into the arms of our perfect heavenly Father. There we find God’s forgiveness and strength to live as His children in the world.

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Spank: is it possible, necessary or not?

10,326

Parents Relationship crisis

The first country to ban spanking a child at the legislative level was Sweden in 1979. More than 50 countries followed suit. Other states have not yet come to a consensus.

This habit, passed down from generation to generation, the so-called "domestic educational violence", is fought by the French independent organization Fondation de France.

It turned out that more than 50% of parents start hitting their children even before they reach the age of two, guided by their own upbringing and considering spanking useful and justified.

In Russia, the situation is similar: most parents keep corporal punishment in their arsenal

According to family psychotherapist Ekaterina Zhornyak, in our society, physical aggression and violence remain the norm - often we do not even notice them, we perceive them as something natural. nine0003

Parents are embarrassed if their child cries in the street, but they do not hesitate to yell or spank them in public. And some famous people say that a child needs to be physically punished in order to raise a successful person.

Where the line goes

A simple spank is still popular, but there is a huge gulf between a small slap that takes a child by surprise and interrupts the flow of whims and a regular, thoughtful spanking. Well, a parent who spanks his child in the heat of the moment can be accused of child abuse? nine0003

According to Claude Almos, a psychoanalyst and specialist in child abuse, it is necessary to define the concepts: “I have been dealing with this problem for many years. Of course, I don't think spanking kids is a good parenting method. But at the same time, I don’t consider it a cruel parent who one day, being on edge, gives his child a slap.” He is convinced that children themselves are never wrong.

They distinguish between an occasional “deserved” slap with blows from an adult who recognizes only such a “method” of education

Child psychoanalyst Philippe Jammet urges trust in parents, because "a spank may be preferable to psychological abuse that causes guilt in a child, or no response from an adult at all. "

But this argument is countered by therapist Gilles Lamisi, coordinator of the Fond de France campaign for children's rights: “Any violence directed at our children can have consequences for their physical and psychological health. For the sake of the well-being of our children and our society, we must refuse any slaps, slaps, slaps and, in general, any blows. nine0003

Olivier Morel, founder of the French Supervisory Committee for the Control of Domestic Violence, provides disturbing research data on the subject. So, according to an American survey by Murray Strauss, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire, about 84% of Americans believe that spanking children is right, and almost 100% have done it at least once.

They punish children in this way, not just spontaneously, but believing that it is beneficial. In addition, his study showed that children between the ages of 2 and 4 years old who were not exposed to any physical influence had an average IQ of 5 points higher than those who received spanking. nine0003

far-reaching impact

In the United States, a nationwide population survey was conducted in 2004-2005, which included more than 34,000 Americans over 20 years of age.

Among other things, participants answered questions about whether their parents or caregivers used at least some physical abuse (spanking, pushing, slapping, etc.) during their childhood in the absence of more extreme forms of emotional or physical abuse. nine0003

The current state of health of survey participants was also recorded. Approximately 1,300 people reported that they were subjected to such educational measures at least from time to time in their childhood.

Compared to those who avoid physical punishment, they have an increased risk of chronic diseases

In particular, such people are 25% more likely to develop arthritis and 28% more likely to develop cardiovascular disease. In addition, among those who were spanked as children, there were more obese - about 31% versus 26% in the group who avoided physical punishment. The data were obtained taking into account socio-demographic differences and family histories of diseases. nine0003

As study lead author Tracey Afifi of the University of Manitoba, Canada, noted that while not every child will have such far-reaching consequences, parents still need to keep in mind that this is likely.

According to a 2012 study, light corporal punishment, such as spanking, can increase the risk of mental and behavioral problems and cause problems with alcohol and drugs.

According to the Children's Rights Foundation, when the body is unable to escape violence and protect itself, as is the case with children who are subjected to corporal punishment, stress hormones become toxic and attack the digestive system and neurons. nine0003

Another argument of those who struggle with spanking: the child cannot bear the idea that his parents hurt him

In such a situation, he tells himself that he is being beaten for his own good, because he is to blame. It is a mentally devastating feeling with long lasting consequences.

“Corporal punishment is humiliating,” emphasizes Ekaterina Zhornyak. - For example, a slap in the face is perceived as a humiliation in all world cultures.

In addition, by systematically receiving even an "innocent" slap on the bottom, the child comes to the conclusion that it is normal to hit people. He becomes aggressive (or depressed) and his relationship with his parents deteriorates.” nine0003

“We need to solve the problem of real violence”

Claude Almos, psychoanalyst

“Wondering whether to officially ban spanking is, in my opinion, not only irrelevant, but also dangerous. Creating a spanking law means telling parents that the biggest threat hanging over children today is spanking. Whereas the biggest danger today is the lack of education.

Starting from the moment when it was recognized that the child is a separate person, parents were confused. The child, of course, is a separate person, having the same value as the personality of an adult, but children need education, and therefore the authority (power) of adults to develop and build their own personality. Since the second part of this message is often forgotten, parents feel lost. nine0003

Child abuse is a much more serious concern. If there is a need to punish such parents - which is not happening - then the existing legal arsenal allows this to be done without the adoption of a new law. I would like to see people fighting for the ban on spanking in cases of child abuse.

When social services come to families with established facts of abuse, bullying, sexual harassment, no one pays attention to spanking! Everyone hears about these families only when it comes to death. It's time to stop perpetuating the myth of the perfect parent who stays calm under any circumstances. In real life, things are different." nine0003

Text: Anna Demina Photo Source: Getty Images

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Is it possible to spank a naughty child?

Reading time: No time to read?

Hundreds of spears have been broken about the legality of corporal punishment. Most child psychologists agree that it is wrong to spank, much less hit, children, but no study has yet proven the relationship between fair spanking for misconduct in childhood and psychological trauma in adults. nine0003

In Soviet practice, it was permissible to spank children. Some psychologists agree with this: they believe that, subject to a number of conditions, the parent has the right to lightly spank the baby - of course, solely for educational purposes.

Let's look at what conditions must be met, and whether it is possible to do this at all.

1. "Spanking" does not mean "beating"

There are no two people for whom the word "slap" will mean the same thing. Someone is physically stronger, someone is weaker, someone has a “heavy hand”, and someone does not spank, but “stroke”. A man is likely to slap much harder than a woman, and even a small fidget can dodge the blow, so that the palm will not hit the pope, but the back or bone, causing the child much more discomfort than the parent planned. nine0003

It is important to understand that there is a big difference between a slap and a punch. A slap should be an educational measure, rather an offensive than a painful way to dot the “e”. Be that as it may, seriously hitting children is completely unacceptable.

2. A spank is for the child, not for the parents

Why is punishment needed at all? So that the child clearly learns the relationship: "leprosy → slap → refrain from repeating the mistake." Sometimes you can do without assault, but instead of dealing with the causes of children's pranks, parents prefer to go the simplest way. In such a situation, a slap is not an educational measure, but a way to remove responsibility from the parents themselves. And what? They did their job. But the question remains, who will deal with the causes of specific children's behavior? nine0003

Corporal punishment can almost always be avoided, and any parent with any parenting skills understands this. Another question is that communication with the baby and trying to get to the bottom of the matter takes much more physical and moral strength than a quick and eloquent slap on the pope.

3. Violence breeds violence

Let's say a child screwed up. An angry parent decides that it will not be possible to convey the truth to the baby with words, and lightly slaps him on the pope, but the child does not let up. Instead of stopping and reconsidering their parenting methods, the parent begins to spank the child over and over until he brings both himself and the child to a real tantrum. nine0003

Remember that if a child doesn't take a spank, then corporal punishment doesn't work with him. You should not hit harder or more often, but look for a different approach - try to talk, explain, ask questions, or even seek advice from a child psychologist. Violence breeds violence. This applies to children as well.

4. Only for the little ones

What is the meaning of any punishment, be it physical or psychological? Any parent will tell you that the ultimate goal is to correct bad behavior, and preferably in the long run. However, the effect of spanking is short-lived. Over time, the child will become more inventive and cunning, finding ways to dodge the parent's hand. For him, the main thing will not be “to behave correctly”, but “to avoid punishment”. Not caught, as they say, is not a thief. nine0003

In addition, a child deprived of proper upbringing may become more aggressive with age and even fight back. Let's say it's easy to deal with a six- or eight-year-old, but what if a sixteen-year-old boy dodges and swings at a parent himself?

In a word, spanking should not be used as a substitute for psychological measures to correct children's behavior. The child must clearly understand what is good and what is bad, and then he simply will not have the desire to do dirty tricks. Not because he will be afraid of punishment, but because he will consider good behavior to be correct. nine0003

Is it possible or not?

Psychologists believe that no, most parents - that is possible, but in exceptional cases. However, it is important to understand what you are punishing the child for, what you want to achieve, what the result should be.