How to recognize sexual abuse in a child

Types of Sexual Violence | RAINN

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Sexual assault can take many different forms and be defined in different ways, but one thing remains the same: it’s never the victim’s fault.

When a perpetrator intentionally harms a minor physically, psychologically, sexually, or by acts of neglect, the crime is known as child abuse.

Men and boys who have been sexually assaulted or abused may also face some additional challenges because of social attitudes and stereotypes about men and masculinity.

A perpetrator can have any relationship to a victim, and that includes the role of an intimate partner.

Regardless of how the law defines incest, unwanted sexual contact from a family member can have a lasting effect on the survivor.

In cases of drug-facilitated sexual assault, survivors often blame themselves. Remember—you are not to blame. You are the only one allowed to make choices for your body. Using drugs or alcohol is never an excuse for assault and does not mean that it was your fault.

Sexual Harassment - You should be able to feel comfortable in your place of work or learning. If you are being sexually harassed, you can report it to the authorities at your job, school, or local law enforcement.
Stalking - Learn more about stalking behaviors to help you notice them before they escalate—and take steps to protect yourself.
Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse - Many perpetrators of sexual abuse are in a position of trust or responsible for the child’s care, such as a family member, teacher, clergy member, coach, or other children such as older siblings.
Using Technology to Hurt Others - Some people use technology, such as digital photos, videos, apps, and social media, to engage in harassing, unsolicited, or non-consensual sexual interactions.
Sexual Abuse by Medical Professionals - When you go to the doctor, dentist, hospital or physical therapist, or see other medical professionals, you trust them to treat you with respect as they care for your health.
Sexual Exploitation by Helping Professionals - Sexual exploitation by a helping professional is a serious violation of your trust and, in many cases, the law.

Multiple-Perpetrator Sexual Assault - Multiple-perpetrator sexual assault, sometimes called gang rape, occurs when two or more perpetrators act together to sexually assault the same victim.
Elder Abuse - As the number of older adults in America increases, it will become all the more important to be aware of the warning signs of elder abuse.
Sexual Abuse of People with Disabilities - Consent is crucial when any person engages in sexual activity, but it plays an even bigger, and more complicated role when someone has a disability.
Prisoner Rape - If you’re an inmate, a former inmate, or know an inmate who survived sexual assault while in prison, there are resources available to you.
Military Sexual Trauma - Military Sexual Trauma, or MST, is the term used by the Department of Veteran Affairs to describe the effects of sexual violence experienced by a military Service member.
Legal Role of Consent - The legal definitions for terms like rape, sexual assault, and sexual abuse vary from state to state. Consent often plays an important role in determining whether an act is legally considered a crime.

RAINN has given me the courage and strength to stand up for what is right. Julianna, survivor

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After Sexual Assault | RAINN

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If someone touches you in a way that’s not okay, or shows you something that makes you feel like you are not safe, you don’t have to keep it a secret. It’s not right, and it's not your fault.
Learn More

Recovering from sexual assault or abuse is a process, and that process looks different for everyone. It may take weeks, months, or years: there’s no timetable for healing. Here are some resources to help you navigate the process.
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Did you know that many rape prosecutions end in a plea bargain? Or that a victim may not have to testify in court? Here’s everything you need to know about pursuing justice after sexual assault, from reporting processes to rape kits.
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Survivor Stories
Hear from courageous survivors about what it means to tell their story and be believed—and what it takes to continue thriving after sexual violence.
Read Stories
- Steps You Can Take After Sexual Assault - It’s hard to know what to do, how to feel, or what your options are after a sexual assault. There is help available—you are not alone.
- Safety Planning - Brainstorming ways to stay safe may help reduce the risk of future harm.
- Receiving Medical Attention - After sexual assault, a medical exam can check for help check for injuries, even those you may not be able to see.
- LGBTQ Survivors of Sexual Violence - Sexual violence affects people of every gender identity, and sexual orientation. As an LGBTQ survivor of sexual violence, you may face many of the same emotions and challenges as other survivors, but also might encounter additional hurdles.
- How Can Therapy Help? - If you decide to seek support from a therapist after sexual assault or abuse, you may have some questions. That’s perfectly normal. Working with a therapist can help you deal with some of the challenges you may be facing.
- Reporting to Law Enforcement - Understanding how to report and learning more about the experience can take away some of the unknowns and help you feel more prepared.
- What Is a Sexual Assault Forensic Exam? - During a sexual assault forensic exam, a trained healthcare professional can collect DNA evidence from your body, clothes, and other personal belongings.
- Tips for Talking with Survivors of Sexual Assault - It’s not always easy to know what to say when someone tells you they’ve been sexually assaulted, especially if they are a friend or family member.
- Telling Loved Ones About Sexual Assault - It can be hard to talk about an experience with sexual violence, and sometimes it may feel most daunting to bring it up with people you are closest to. Here are a few questions you may want to ask yourself before telling someone, tips to help prepare for the conversation, and ways to cope with unhelpful reactions if they occur.
- Help Someone You Care About - There are many ways that you can help a friend or family member who has been affected by sexual violence.
Trial Balloons? Little Signs of a Big Problem: A Qualitative Study of Circumstances Helping Parents Recognize Early Signs of Child Sexual Abuse [Research Summary] | ChildHub

In cases of sexual abuse, children often find it difficult to tell anyone about the abuse. However, studies based on parents' recollections of their children's experiences of sexual abuse during therapy sessions confirm that children often give non-verbal signals, however small or indirect, that they have been abused. The response of the parent/guardian to these signs determines whether or not the child will come forward about being a victim of abuse. This suggests that parents and professionals need to understand the importance of dialogue when a child begins to talk about sexual abuse, as well as respond to potential signs that provide an opportunity to receive this information.

One of the reasons children find it difficult to talk about sexual abuse is that often the perpetrators are family members or are trusted by their parents. In addition, children often feel responsible or complicit in cases of sexual abuse and fear the consequences of disclosure. In general, children are very responsive to the demands of the adults around them when deciding whether and when to talk about their abuse. Therefore, children may give indirect signs or “trial balloons” to adults they trust about their abuse and then, based on the response they receive, choose to report (or not report) that they have been abused.

In the 20 cases reviewed in this study, all the children involved gave signs or "trial balloons" to parents or guardians that were usually indirect and difficult to immediately recognize as signs of abuse. Often these could be questions about rules or obligations, for example, if the child asked if it was necessary for him to stay with a family member or trusted friend who was bullying him, and expressed concern about the circumstances in which he was abused, for example, being alone with the offender. In several of these cases, the adult interviewed ignored these signals, comforting the child or pointing out the need to follow the rules and fulfill obligations. In these cases, the child stopped giving out information and did not report the abuse at that time. Conversely, if adults responded to these cues with open responses that encouraged further dialogue (for example, when a parent asked why the child was worried or afraid), in the subsequent conversation, the children reported that they had been abused. In some cases, the child spoke directly about the abuse, but only in cases where the health problems associated with sexual abuse or the phenomenon of sexual abuse itself were mentioned (for example, while watching a television program about sexual abuse of children).

These findings suggest that parents and professionals need to be aware of the ways a child can use to check if an adult is responding to their concerns about abuse, and should pay attention to the role of dialogue that can help the child talk about sexual abuse.

Prepared by Katharina Obermeier for the "Child Protection Platform in South East Europe" in 2015

Child abuse in the family - how to recognize child abuse and how to deal with it

What to do if a child tells you strange things - that someone touched him or did something to him? How to respond if you suspect that he has been sexually assaulted?

Natalia Rodikova, editor-in-chief of the magazine "New Center"

Several years ago, the confessions of children from the Lazurnensky orphanage that they were raped for several years by educators and "Uncle Seryozha", the administration of the institution almost immediately called fiction and fantasies. The employees of the boarding school were tested on a polygraph and considered that they could return to work, the Investigative Committee had no complaints against them. Only later was the boarding school disbanded, and the main accused in the case spent more than a year in a pre-trial detention center and under house arrest, after which he was convicted.

Contents of the article

We called the psychologist of the Volunteers to Help Orphans Foundation Inna Pasechnik to ask if children who complain about something “such” should always be trusted? How to ask them about it? Are there any signs in the child's behavior that might suggest that sexual abuse has occurred? And what should an ordinary parent do with this knowledge?

Fantasy or truth?

Always, with any cases, you need to sort it out, no words of the child should be let past the ears. No complaints that something hurts in "those" places should also be missed. At the same time, you need to behave very calmly: do not goggle your eyes, do not start yelling, do not portray horror on your face. It’s better to react like this: “Yes, anything can happen... Could you please tell us in more detail what happened, why did you suddenly get sick?” At the same time, you need to listen very carefully to everything that the child says, very inclusively. Show empathy: "Yes, this is unpleasant, this is not good." And end the conversation with the phrase: "Of course, you can't treat children like that."

This last one is a must, we need to immediately put the questions of values in the correct order for the child, otherwise they get confused all the time - you can do this with children, you can’t do this with children. Whether a child fantasizes or not - this becomes clear from the degree of detail: no child knows as many details as those children who have had such an experience know.

Who should listen to this

If a child suddenly started talking to you about this, be sure to listen. Even if you first of all want to say “yes, of course, it was something unpleasant, I will take you to a person who knows how to listen to this and handle it correctly.” This is a bad option, because the child must know that the parent accepts him in any way, with all sorts of unpleasant stories, this is very important.

The parent needs to listen to everything from beginning to end, not to flap too much, to be calm, with warm participation, with the manifestation of emotions. And only after that it makes sense to take the child to a psychologist who knows how to work with these topics (and not everyone really knows how to work with this) and then decide what to do with it.

Something is going on with someone else's child

Good question. For example, sometimes it seems to you that something bad is happening not with your child, but with someone else. Should you tell his parents about your suspicion? The rule helps here that if there are things related to the threat to the life and health of the child, we must take some action that will protect the child. If, for example, you are a psychologist and you brought a child to an appointment for another issue, and you have suspicions that he was sexually used, first try to take a closer look at what is happening.

If the mother came with the child and the mother is, let's say, normal, ask the mother in more detail about the relationship within the family, the relationship between brothers and sisters, the relationship with the father or stepfather. If you understand that your mother is more or less critical, it makes sense to tell your mother about your suspicions. If it’s not very critical, again, you need to tell your mother, but then, apparently, contact the services that are responsible for the well-being of children.

Of course, it's not worth going to law enforcement agencies or guardianship agencies from the bay. In any case, you first need to talk with your parents - maybe they know about it, maybe they have an explanation for this, maybe the parents will pay attention to this - and they will figure it out themselves.

Returning to the story of orphans. If, for example, you suspect that something bad is happening to children in an orphanage, then it makes sense to immediately contact some kind of charitable foundation, because there are lawyers there who will help you deal with this correctly, draw up the paperwork correctly. It will be hard to do it on your own: the system resists the information received, it has a tendency to cover everything up, not to bring anything out, to protect itself. Therefore, it is worth immediately being together with some organization that will be the rear.

Signs of sexual abuse

Yes, there are fairly clear signs that could indicate this. For example, if a child exhibits sexualized behavior - that is, you observe attempts to involve other children or adults in sexual activities. If your own child complains that a friend did something similar to him or offered to do something, this is an occasion to think about what is happening in this friend's environment. Sometimes you can see that the child is playing something on the toys.

Of course, this is not always a direct indication of sexual experience, it is important to follow how this manifests itself. Alas, many children in orphanages had such a difficult experience. As a rule, this becomes apparent when already adopted children are brought to an appointment with a psychologist. Speaking very roughly, for 15 children who contact us, there is definitely one case. And this is not all that reach us. And if in big cities, where orphanages are more or less open to volunteers, sexual violence has stopped a bit, then with regard to PNI (psycho-neurological boarding schools) and other types of orphanages, this is still very much.

This is the peculiarity of any closed system, this was very well demonstrated by the famous "prison experiment" of the American sociologist Philip Zimbardo. The people taken in the experiment were randomly divided into "guards" and "prisoners", and the experiment was terminated prematurely, because the "guards" began to behave monstrously towards the "prisoners", although initially they were normal people! Apparently, where there is power, there is violence. There is only one way to stop violence in institutions - to make them open, to engage in educational programs.

Violence occurs much less frequently in families, but there are episodes when adopted children try to repeat their experience already in the family. Just because these children were used in orphanages, and they did not understand that this was not good, they tried to win back on their relatives. And of course, there are cases when this happens even without any orphan experience, that is, in the family, one of the adults sexually uses the child. Sometimes these are not very prosperous families, and sometimes they are quite decent in appearance, but in which some suspicious dad, or stepfather, or other relative suddenly turns out.

In any case, it is necessary to file a lawsuit, for the well-being of both the other children in the family and this particular child. The child should know that the offender is punished, he will be much better for it. If, nevertheless, the hand does not rise for some reason, sue - you need to at least part with the person, show that this is unacceptable for the family. If all this is ignored, attributed to chance, and so on, the child will be very traumatized.

Guilt

Abused children are often left feeling guilty about what happened. Sometimes it is provoked by the parents themselves when they find out about these unpleasant events. They broadcast to the child their horror that something monstrous has happened - and at this moment he falls into a feeling of guilt. It is very important not to let the child know that something irreparable has happened. Because when a feeling of guilt is added to other feelings about how you were treated badly and dishonestly, it is much more difficult to live with it. And it is more difficult for a psychologist to work with this.

My first job is to explain to the children that this is not their responsibility. Even from a legal point of view, the age of consent in our country is 16 years, and for any acts of a sexual nature that an adult has committed with a child, we completely remove responsibility from the child. I tell children: this is the responsibility of an adult, even if you were in love, even if you broadcast your sympathy - the task of an adult is to say no.

If it was not just sexual abuse, but direct violence, then we cannot allow our eternal history that the victim is "to blame", and "it was necessary to think where to go, what to think, what to wear." This is a very toxic and pathological thing. You need to broadcast as much as possible that this could happen to anyone, you are not to blame. The victim should not be responsible for what happened. Only the adult is to blame, only the rapist.

Can this be forgotten? Or will it be an eternal trauma, a heavy burden that affects the rest of your life? You definitely need to work with this experience, and if you work well, the child doesn’t just forget - he just takes it calmly, it’s not a trauma as such, which then changes his whole life. In particular, the child will then not attempt such behavior towards other children, for example, and in adulthood this will not affect him.

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