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How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell - Ebook

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You know you love your child. You attend school events, care for physical needs, and discipline when needed. But did you know that most children, even in loving households, doubt that they are genuinely and unconditionally loved?

In Dr. Ross Campbell’s groundbreaking book, he explains the emotional needs of a child and provides you with skills that will help your child feel truly loved and accepted. Using eye contact, affirmation, and spiritual nurturing, you’ll learn to really love your child no matter what the circumstances. The practical applications in How to Really Love Your Child have already helped over 2 million parents around the world show love to their children in a way that can be received and returned, again and again.

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LanguageEnglish

PublisherDavid C Cook

Release dateApr 1, 2015

ISBN9781434709646

Author

Ross Campbell

Dr. Ross Campbell is a psychiatrist and the author of several books on parenting and child development, including the best-selling How to Really Love Your Child. He lives in Chattanooga, TN.

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Reviews for How to Really Love Your Child

Rating: 4.25 out of 5 stars

4.5/5

4 ratings2 reviews

cool2mom2e
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
5/5
Good read.
This book has really challenged me to make a better effort to really love my children. So often as a parent we get caught up in all the responsibilities and task that come with parenting and we lose sight of what matters most - Showing Gods love and our love to our children. For me, it is taking the time to stop, look and listen to each child as they need me each day!
jennyrosewriter
Rating: 5 out of 5 stars
5/5
While so many parenting books out there are "ages and stages" and discipline (reacting AFTER behavior), Dr. Campbell take a preventative approach.I think every parent, teacher, grandparent, babysitter, social worker ... basically anyone who interacts with children on a regular basis should read this book! How to Really Love Your Child by Dr. Ross Campbell, M.D. In the preface, Dr. Campbell acknowledges that there is a lot of parenting information out there--enough to overwhelm parents. Though the information is good "many books, articles, and lectures have honed in on one, or at most only a few specific aspects of child rearing without clearly defining the specific areas they cover." It's not that the information is wrong or the parents didn't do it right, "the problem lies in the parents not having a general, balanced perspective on how to relate to a child." Dr. Campbell believes "the problem is how to manifest our love to a child through discipline and when to show it in other more affectionate ways." In chapter one he cites some of the common problems he has seen as a psychiatrist. Chapters two and three talk about the home, parents and child and how important this relationship is for the child to understand love. An entire chapter is devoted to how the husband and wife relate and how that affects the children. Chapter three defines what unconditional love is and is not. The next three chapters discuss how to express, demonstrate, show this unconditional love through eye contact, physical contact and focused attention. While chapter three defined unconditional love, chapter seven touches on appropriate and inappropriate love: possessiveness, seductiveness, vicariousness and role-reversal. If you are a loving, Christian parent and think you can skip over this chapter--wait. Read through it if only to know possible warning signs if you ever see them in your friends' or your child's friends' family. Though chapter eight touches on helping your child learn how to deal with his anger, Dr. Campbell says this topic is thoroughly covered in How to Really Love Your Angry Child. There is some helpful starting information in this chapter, however. Chapter nine is about discipline. Dr. Campbell says "that making a child feel loved is the first and most important part of good discipline. " Love and discipline should not be viewed as separate entities, and "punishment is a very small part of discipline." But the next thing he says is what I found interesting: "What you have read thus far in this book is the most important aspect of discipline, and you must apply what you've learned to expect the best results from disciplining your child. There is no point in reading further at this time if you have not applied what you have already read."
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Book preview

How to Really Love Your Child - Ross Campbell

Tennessee

Preface

Never has the wonderful task of child rearing been so difficult. The influences upon the parent-child relationship have become mostly negative—a real burden on precious parents. Our culture has undergone tremendous change in the last few years, putting a real strain on all parents. We see the results of these influences daily, from problems with a child’s behavior to the development of unhealthy character patterns in many of our children.

This book is for parents of children younger than adolescents. Its intention is to give mothers and fathers an understandable and practical way of approaching their wonderful, yet awesome, task of raising each child. My concerns are the needs of children and how best to meet them.

Child rearing is in itself a complex venture, and most parents today have great difficulty. Unfortunately, the outpouring of books, articles, lectures, and seminars regarding children has largely frustrated and bewildered parents—despite the fact that much of the information is excellent.

Many books, articles, and lectures have honed in on one, or at most only a few specific aspects of child rearing without clearly defining the specific areas they cover. Consequently, many conscientious parents have earnestly attempted to apply what they have read or heard as the fundamental way of relating to a child, and often they fail.

Their failure is not usually due to error in the information parents read or hear, nor in the way parents apply it. Rather, the problem lies in the parents not having a general, balanced perspective on how to relate to a child. Most parents have the essential information, but they are confused or misinformed about when to apply which principle under what circumstance. Parents have been told what to do, but not when to do it, nor, in many cases, how to do it.

Discipline is a classic example. Excellent books and seminars on childhood address the issue of discipline but fail to make clear that discipline is only one way of relating to a child. Many parents, consequently, conclude that discipline is the basic and primary way of treating a child. This is an easy mistake to make, especially when one hears the statement If you love your child, you must discipline your child. This statement is, of course, true. The tragedy is that many parents discipline almost constantly while showing little love to bring comfort to a child. Children in these homes tend to doubt that they are genuinely, unconditionally loved. So again, the problem is not whether to discipline; the problem is how to manifest our love to a child through discipline and when to show it in other more affectionate ways. Almost all parents deeply love their children, but few know how to transfer this heartfelt love from their hearts to the hearts of their children.

I address these problems in a plain, understandable way in order to demonstrate how to generally approach child rearing. In addition, I hope to provide information that helps parents determine the correct action for each situation. Of course, handling every circumstance correctly is impossible; however, the closer we come to this, the better parents we become, the more gratified we are, and the happier our children become.

Much of the material in this book has come from a lecture series that I have given over past years at numerous conferences on parent-child relationships around the world.

Chapter 1

The Problem

As Tommy was growing up, he was such a good boy, so well behaved, Esther Smith, her husband, Jim, at her side, began as the grieving parents unfolded their painful story in my counseling room. Yes, he seemed content and never gave us much trouble. We made sure he had the right experiences—Scouts, baseball, church and all. Now he is fourteen and is forever fighting with his brother and sister—but that’s just sibling rivalry, isn’t it? Other than that, Tom—he’s no longer Tommy—has never been a real problem for us. Mrs. Smith continued, "He is moody sometimes and goes to his room for long periods. But he has never been disrespectful or disobeyed or back-talked. His father saw to that.

There’s one thing we know he has gotten plenty of and that’s discipline. In fact, that’s the most puzzling thing of all. How can a child so well disciplined all his life suddenly begin running around with undisciplined peers and do the things they do? And show such disrespect for his parents and other adults? These kids even lie, steal, and drink alcohol. I can’t trust Tom anymore. I can’t talk with him. He’s so sullen and quiet. He won’t even look at me. He doesn’t seem to want anything to do with us. And he’s doing so poorly in school this year.

When did you notice these changes in Tom? I asked.

Mr. Smith looked up at the ceiling. Let me think. He’s fourteen now, almost fifteen, he said. "His grades were the first problem we noticed, about two years ago. During the last few months of sixth grade, we noticed he became bored, first with school, then with other things. He began to hate going to church. Later, Tom even lost interest in his friends and spent more and more time by himself, usually in his room. He talked less and less.

But things really worsened when he began middle school. Tom lost interest in his favorite activities—even sports. That’s when he completely dropped his old standby friends and began running around with boys who usually were in trouble. Tom’s attitude changed and conformed to theirs. He placed little value in grades and wouldn’t study. These friends of his often got him in trouble.

And we’ve tried everything. Mrs. Smith took up the account. First we spanked him. Then we took away privileges like television, movies, and so on. One time we grounded him for a solid month. We’ve tried to reward him for appropriate behavior. I really believe we have tried every recommendation we have heard or read. I really wonder if anyone can help us or help Tom.

What did we do wrong? Are we bad parents? God knows we’ve tried hard enough, Mr. Smith added. Maybe it’s congenital. Maybe it’s something Tom inherited. Could it be physical? But our pediatrician examined him a couple weeks ago. Should we take him to a gland specialist? Should we get an EEG? We need help. Tom needs help. We love our boy, Dr. Campbell. What can we do to help him? Something’s got to be done.

Later, after Mr. and Mrs. Smith departed, Tom entered the counseling room. I was impressed with his naturally likeable ways and handsome appearance. However, his gaze was downcast and when he made eye contact, it was only for a moment. Although obviously a bright child, Tom spoke only in short, gruff phrases and grunts. Finally, when he felt comfortable enough to share his story, he revealed essentially the same factual material as his parents. Going further, he said, No one really cares about me except my friends.

No one? I asked.

"Naw. Maybe my parents. I don’t know. I used to think they cared about me when I was little. I guess it doesn’t matter much now anyway. All they really care about are their own friends, jobs, activities, and things.

They don’t need to know what I do, anyway. It’s none of their business. I just want to be away from them and lead my own life. Why should they be so concerned about me? They never were before.

As the conversation progressed, it became clear that Tom was quite depressed, never having times when he felt content with himself or his life. He had longed for a close, warm relationship with his parents as long as he could remember, but during the last few months he had slowly given up his dream. He turned to peers who would accept him, but his unhappiness deepened even more.

So here is a common tragic situation: an early adolescent boy who, by all apparent indications, was doing well during his early years. Until he was around twelve or thirteen years of age, no one guessed that Tom was unhappy. During those years he was a complacent child who made few demands on his parents, teachers, or others. No one suspected he did not feel completely loved and accepted. Despite his having parents who deeply loved him and cared for him, Tom did not feel genuinely loved. Yes, he knew of his parents’ love and concern for him and never would have told you otherwise. Nonetheless, the incomparable emotional well-being of feeling completely and unconditionally loved and accepted was not his.

This is truly difficult to understand, because Tom’s parents are indeed good parents. They love him and take care of his needs to the best of their knowledge. In raising Tom, Jim and Esther Smith have applied what they have heard and read and have sought advice from others. And their marriage is definitely above average. They do love and respect each other.

A Familiar Story

Most parents have a difficult time raising children. With pressures and strains mounting every day upon the American family, it’s easy to become confused and discouraged. Rising divorce rates, economic crises, declining quality of education, and loss of trust in leadership all take an emotional toll. As parents become more physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained, it becomes increasingly difficult to nurture a child. I am convinced that a child takes the greatest brunt of these difficult times. A child is the most needy person in our society, and the greatest need is love.

Tom Smith’s parents do love him deeply. They have done their best in rearing him, but something is missing. Did you notice what it was? No, not love; his parents do love him. The basic problem is that Tom does not feel loved. Should the parents be blamed? Is it their fault? I don’t think so. The truth is that Mr. and Mrs. Smith have always loved their son, but never knew how to show it. Like most parents, they believed they were meeting Tom’s needs: food, shelter, clothes, education, guidance, and so on. In the process of meeting all of those needs, they overlooked his need for love—unconditional love. Although love is within the heart of almost all parents, the challenge is to convey this love.

Despite the problems with today’s living, any parents who genuinely desire to give children what they need can learn to do so. In order to give children everything in the few years they have, all parents need to know how to truly love their children.

Which Form of Discipline Is Most Appropriate?

I remember one time when I was six or seven. Even now it makes me unhappy to think about it, and sometimes it makes me mad. Tom continued in a session with me a few days later. I had accidentally broken a window with a baseball. I felt terrible about it and hid in the woods until Mom came looking for me. I was so sorry, and I remember crying because I felt I had been very bad. When Dad came home, Mom told him about the window and he whipped me. Tears welled up in Tom’s eyes.

I asked, What did you say then?

Nothing, he muttered.

The way Tom was disciplined caused him to have feelings of pain, anger, and resentment toward his parents, which he will never forget or forgive without help. Years afterward, Tom still hurts from what happened.

Why did that particular incident make such an unpleasant imprint on his memory? At other times he accepted spankings with no problems, and on occasion even was thankful. Could it have been because he already felt sorry and repentant for breaking the window? Had he already suffered enough for his mistake without enduring physical pain? Could the spanking have convinced Tom that his parents did not understand him as a person or were not sensitive to his feelings? Could he have needed his parents’ warmth and understanding at that particular time, rather than harsh punishment? If so, how could Tom’s parents have known? And, if so, how could they have discerned which form of discipline was most appropriate at that particular time?

What do you think, fellow parents? Should we decide in advance what action we will routinely take in raising a child? Do you think we should be consistent? How consistent? Should we use punishment each time a child misbehaves? If so, should it always be the same punishment? If not, what are the alternatives? What is discipline? Are discipline and punishment synonymous? Should we study one school of thought, for example, Parent Effectiveness Training, and stick by it? Or should we use some of our own common sense and intuition? Or some of each? How much? When?

Every conscientious parent struggles with these questions. We are bombarded with books, articles, seminars, and institutes about how to rear our children. Approaches vary from pinching a child’s trapezius muscle to using candy as a reward.

In short, how could Jim and Esther have handled this situation in a way that would discipline Tom

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35 Simple Ways To Love Your Child In Everyday Life

🎉 Get your kids ready for life (at all ages!) with Life School At Home!

by Rachel Norman

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Inside: Sometimes we can get so caught up in doing larger things we forget children just need the simple stuff. Here are 35 simple ways to really love your child.

A mother loves her child in so many ways throughout the day. There are the obvious things that may not scream “I love you” but that are fundamental to the loving role as a mother.

These are things like providing a loving environment, cuddling, feeding, clothing, and giving shelter to your kids.

It’s a mother’s privilege to love and provide for their child, but often we can be so busy doing this we forget to show love in little ways.

Or, depending on our personalities, we can often get so busy showing love in these fundamental ways that we overlook the opportunities throughout the day to show love in simple ways.

In real tangible ways our children immediately respond to.

35 simple ways to love your child in the every day

Give them hugs (and don’t let go too quickly.)
Read them chapter books they can look forward to daily.
Leave a note in their lunchbox.
Give a kiss on the top of the head when you walk past.
Notice something they’ve put effort into.
Get eye level with your children when you’re speaking to them.
Say “I love you.“

Read: What Unconditional Love Is And Isn’t

Start and keep family traditions like movie night.
Let small ones sit on your lap and rock.
Hold hands.
Give piggy back rides.
Spending alone time with each child, even as short as 10 minutes will mean a lot.
Display their artwork or writing for others to see.

Read: Relationship Building Questions To Ask Kids (With Printable!)

Give age appropriate privileges that show you trust them.
Pray with them about their future.
Look them in the eyes often and smile.
Do simple activities with them like coloring, painting, or building Lego.
Give them your undivided attention for a time, even if there are other things to be done.
Have a fun time in the kitchen baking a cake, cupcakes, or cookies.

Read: The Key To Being A Calm Mom, No Matter How You Feel

Emotion Cards

Emotions are a H U G E part of a young child’s life. These “I Am Feeling” cards will reduce tantrums, meltdowns, and help your little one learn emotional awareness.

Learn More

More ways to love your child without grand gestures

Ask them something they’d like to do and then do it together.
Put away your phone, tablet, and computer.
Surprise them in little ways.
Lay with them before bedtime and listen.
Have a dress up dance party and act silly.
Play board games together. Here’s a big list of family favorite board games.
Remember special moments and then have family “inside jokes.”

Read: Enjoy Being A Mother Again With These 4 Stress Relieving Mindsets

These things show your child love as well

Brush your little girl’s hair or twirl your boy’s hair.
Have a “yes” day where you answer “yes” to all reasonable requests.
Daydream and begin to plan a future family vacation or day trip.
Share something unique you love about each child.
Ask them something they are struggling with and brainstorm solutions together.

Read: Why Moms Lose Their Identity & How To Get It Back

Make their favorite meal.
Leave a love note on their bedside table they can see when they wake up.
Make them fun IOU’s with their favorite things to do.
Praise your husband about their behavior in their presence.

It can seem overwhelming at times, the role of motherhood, but children truly respond to simple gestures done in love.

Let’s go forth today, mama, and love our little ones simply!

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Filed Under: Connection & Relationships, Emotions
Tagged With: Connection, Cuddling, Family Culture, Nurture, Preschooler And Up, Stay At Home Mom, Toddler

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Pull out these fun connecting questions to share some laughs with your precious ones!

Use them at:

meal times
car rides
as a “calm down” trick
for dinner time conversation
or any time the day is getting chaotic or
you need a reset to connect.

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Yes, Tell Me More!

Hi Mama, Rachel Norman Here

B. A., M.S., certified sleep consultant, Language of Listening® parent coach, self-proclaimed Routine Expert, and mother of 5.

I believe you can run a low-stress home without feeling out of control and overwhelmed. You don’t have to be exhausted and running around like a chicken with its head cut off every day. Seriously… you don’t.

As a mom of 5, I understand what it’s like for lots of small problems to take over, leaving you overwhelmed. Every month, I help hundreds of thousands of moms, just like you, find breakthroughs with my simple solutions that address parenting and home struggles.

More About Me

📖 How to truly love your child. Campbell R. Read online

Ross Campbell

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This is one of those books that many parents crave for a warm, trusting relationship with their children. This is a book about love - sincere love, without any conditions, capable of doing a miracle with your child. It is aimed at parents whose children have not yet reached adolescence. Its purpose is to show mothers and fathers a clear and practically useful way to solve the amazing, albeit difficult task of raising a child. nine0005