How to live after losing a child

Grieving the Loss of a Child

Approved by the Cancer.Net Editorial Board, 09/2019

No parent is prepared for a child's death. Parents are simply not supposed to outlive their children. It is important to remember that how long your child lived does not determine the size of your loss. The loss of a child is profound at every age.

• Parents of young children are intimately involved in their daily lives. Death changes every aspect of family life, often leaving an enormous emptiness.

• The death of an older child or adolescent is difficult because children at this age are beginning to reach their potential and become independent individuals.

• When an adult child dies, you lose not only a child but often a close friend, a link to grandchildren, and an irreplaceable source of emotional and practical support.

You may find that you also grieve for the hopes and dreams you had for your child, the potential that will never be realized, and the experiences you will never share. If you lost your only child, you may also feel that you have lost your identity as a parent and perhaps the possibility of grandchildren. The pain of these losses will always be a part of you. Yet with time, most parents find a way forward and begin to experience happiness and meaning in life once again.

Common grief reactions

Grief reactions after the death of a child are similar to those after other losses. But, they are often more intense and last longer. You may experience the following grief reactions:

• Intense shock, confusion, disbelief, and denial, even if your child's death was expected

• Overwhelming sadness and despair, such that facing daily tasks or even getting out of bed can seem impossible

• Extreme guilt or a feeling that you have failed as your child's protector and could have done something differently

• Intense anger and feelings of bitterness and unfairness at a life left unfulfilled

• Fear or dread of being alone and overprotecting your surviving children

• Resentment toward parents with healthy children

• Feeling that life has no meaning and wishing to be released from the pain or to join your child

• Questioning or losing faith or spiritual beliefs

• Dreaming about your child or feeling your child's presence nearby

• Intense loneliness and isolation, even when around other people, and feeling that no one can truly understand how you feel

Although grief is always profound when a child dies, some parents have an especially difficult time. Even as time passes, their grief remains intense, and they feel it is impossible to return to normal life. Some parents may even think about hurting themselves to escape from the pain. If you are having these feelings, talk with a professional such as a doctor or counselor right away. You can find help to move past this intense grief.

Timing of your grief reactions

Some people expect that grief should be resolved over a specific time, such as a year. But this is not true. The initial severe and intense grief you feel will not be continuous. Periods of intense grief often come and go over 18 months or longer. Over time, your grief may come in waves that are gradually less intense and less frequent. But you will likely always have some feelings of sadness and loss.

Even years after your child's death, important events and milestones in the lives of other children can trigger grief. Significant days such as graduations, weddings, or the first day of a new school year are common triggers. At these times, you may find yourself thinking about how old your child would be or what he or she would look like or be doing if still alive.

Differences in how parents grieve

Parents may grieve in different ways depending on their gender and their daily role in a child’s life. One parent may find that talking helps, while the other may need quiet time to grieve alone. Cultural expectations and role differences also affect how parents grieve. Men are often expected to control their emotions, be strong, and take charge of the family. Women may be expected to cry openly and want to talk about their grief.

If you are a working parent, you may become more involved in your job to escape the sadness and daily reminders at home. A stay-at-home parent may be surrounded by constant reminders and may feel a lack of purpose now that his or her job as caregiver has abruptly ended. This is especially true for a parent who spent months or even years caring for a child with cancer.

Differences in grieving can cause relationship difficulties at a time when parents need each other's support the most. One parent may believe that the other is not grieving properly or that a lack of open grief means he or she loved the child less. Talk openly about your grief with your partner. Work to understand and accept each other's coping styles.

Helping siblings who are grieving

Parents are the focus of attention when a child dies, and the grief of siblings is sometimes overlooked. The death of a sibling is a tremendous loss for a child. They lose a family member, a confidant, and a life-long friend.

When your child developed cancer, you were likely completely focused on the needs of your sick child. You now may be overwhelmed with your own grief. Your surviving children may misinterpret your grief as a message that they are not as valued as much as the sibling who died.

You can help your children during this time of grief in several ways:

• Make grief a shared family experience. Include children in discussions about memorial plans.

• Spend as much time as possible with your children, talking about their sibling or playing together.

• Make sure children understand that they are not responsible for a sibling’s death, and help them let go of regrets and guilt.

• Never compare siblings to your child who died. Make sure your child knows that you don't expect them to “fill in” for him or her.

• Set reasonable limits on their behavior. But try not to be either overprotective or overly permissive. It is normal to feel protective of surviving children.

• Ask a close family member or friend to spend extra time with siblings if your own grief prevents you from giving them the attention they need.

Learn more about how to help a child or teenager who is grieving and how to cope with losing a sibling to cancer.

Helping yourself grieve

As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. You may find the following suggestions helpful while grieving:

• Talk about your child often and use his or her name.

• Ask family and friends for help with housework, errands, and caring for other children. This will give you important time to think, remember, and grieve.

• Take time deciding what to do with your child's belongings. Don’t rush to pack up your child's room or to give away toys and clothes.

• Prepare ahead of time for how to respond to difficult questions like, "How many children do you have?" or comments like, "At least you have other children." Remember that people aren't trying to hurt you; they just don't know what to say.

• Prepare for how you want to spend significant days, such as your child's birthday or the anniversary of your child's death. You may want to spend the day looking at photos and sharing memories or start a family tradition, such as planting flowers.

• Because of the intensity and isolation of parental grief, parents may especially benefit from a support group where they can share their experiences with other parents who understand their grief and can offer hope.

Learn more about coping strategies for when you are grieving.

Finding meaning in life

You should expect that you will never really “get over” the death of your child. But you will learn to live with the loss, making it a part of who you are. Your child’s death may make you rethink your priorities and the meaning of life. It may seem impossible, but you can find happiness and purpose in life again.

For some parents, an important step may be creating a legacy for your child. You may choose to honor your child by volunteering at a local hospital or a cancer support organization. Or you may work to support interests your child once had, start a memorial fund, or plant trees in your child's memory. It is important to remember that it is never disloyal to your child to reengage in life and to enjoy new experiences.

Each of your children changes your life. They show you new ways to love, new things to find joy in, and new ways to look at the world. A part of each child's legacy is that the changes he or she brings to your family continue after death. The memories of joyful moments you spent with your child and the love you shared will live on and always be part of you.

Related Resources

Understanding Grief and Loss

Support Groups

Making a Difference

Grieving the Death of a Child is often referred to as the ultimate tragedy.

The death and loss of a child are frequently called the ultimate tragedy. Nothing can be more devastating. Along with the usual symptoms and stages of grief, many issues make parental bereavement particularly difficult to resolve. And this grief over the loss of a child can be exacerbated and complicated by feelings of injustice — the understandable feeling that this loss should never have happened. During the early days of grieving, most parents experience excruciating pain, alternating with numbness — a dichotomy that may persist for months or longer. Many parents who have lost their son or daughter report feeling they can only “exist,” and every motion or need beyond that seems nearly impossible.

The relationship between parents and their children is among the most intense in life. Much parenting centers on providing and doing for children, even after they have grown up and left home. A child’s death prevents you from carrying out your parenting role as you have imagined it, as it is “supposed” to be. You may feel an overwhelming sense of failure for no longer being able to care for and protect your child, duties that you expected to fulfill for many years.

It must be remembered that bereaved parents can mourn the death and loss of a child of any age and that it feels unnatural to outlive a child. It does not make a difference whether your child is three or thirty-three when your son or daughter dies. The emotion is the same. All bereaved parents lose a part of themselves.

The search for meaning in a child’s death is essential to parents.

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes dedication to live. As a parent, you gave birth to life as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible as it may seem right now. You will survive this; however, the experience may change you.

As mentioned in the main Understanding Grief section, your grief will be individual and unique. How you grieve over the death and loss of a child and for how long will be different than for anyone else — you need to allow yourself to grieve in your way.

Other topics that may be useful to you include:

• The Mourner’s Bill of Rights.

• Suffering a Miscarriage or Losing a Child.

Common responses to a child’s death

How the death of a child affects a marriage

Studies have shown that the death and loss of a child will not necessarily strengthen a marriage; in fact, grief can sometimes lead to its demise.

No two people grieve alike, so there is a wide range of differences in the expression of grief. These differences may cause spouses or partners to erroneously conclude that their mate has rejected them or feels “less.” A bereaved couple may find it impossible to give comfort to each other when both are feeling equal grief. Each partner may expect too much and receive too little. This unfortunate combination can create a chasm in a relationship, but it can be avoided if each accepts that you are deeply hurt.

However, it is not true that most couples divorce after the loss of child. Recent studies offer some hope, showing that a much lower rate of divorces – only 12–16% — are related to the loss of a child. Perhaps with more of an understanding about grief, there will be even fewer.

How surviving children are affected

One of the most difficult roles for a mother or father after the death and loss of a child is to continue being a parent to the surviving children. Parents must continue to function in the very role they are grieving — an enormous challenge. But the surviving child or children shouldn’t feel that they are alone or have been set aside, as difficult as it may be to find the emotional reserves to support them. Parents have the difficult task of switching roles constantly, from being comforted to being the comforter, at a time when they have little ability to do so.

Children’s needs must be addressed by you and other family members who may have more emotional reserves at this time. Others can help you help your child; you are critical to their healing process but not the sole provider of comfort. And remember, children of all ages process grief differently. To help ensure the healthy survival of your family, visit the Children and Grief section to learn more about how to support your surviving child/children during this challenging time. 

Pregnancy loss and infant death

When a baby dies before or after birth, parents face a difficult emotional task: trying to say goodbye to someone they had little chance to know. They must accept that a life has ended, even though it barely began. You are likely to experience some more common symptoms of grief — you may go into shock or even deny that your baby has died.

Guilt is a common reaction to the death and loss of a child and can be particularly acute for parents who lose an infant or an unborn baby. Parents of unborn babies who often die mistakenly blame themselves for the death. The mother may believe she harmed her baby. Both parents may tell themselves they should have sensed something was wrong and alerted their doctor.

Pregnancy brings with it many expectations, dreams, and fantasies – you spend months planning not just the birth of your child but also their life and all the years to come. But, then, as you are emotionally preparing to welcome a child into the world, instead, you must accept the loss and all expectations for their future. Leaving grieving parents feeling overwhelmed by a tremendous sense of emptiness.

Parents of infants will have different triggers and potentially painful situations in the months following their baby’s death. Your home may be filled with baby clothes, bottles, and a crib.

After the death and loss of a child, resolving the grief you feel for the baby you lost will be challenging. However, before accepting your baby’s death, you must acknowledge their life — their existence as a person. Remember, no matter how brief your baby’s life, you have just as much right to grieve as any other bereaved parent.

Published articles that may be helpful include Suffering a Miscarriage or Losing a Child, Coping with Pregnancy Loss and Infant Death, and In Honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

Ways to cope with “parental grief” open

In our Understanding Grief section, you can find a list of ways to cope with grief.

Surviving the death and loss of a child takes dedication to live. As a parent, you gave birth as a promise to the future. Now you must make a new commitment to living, as hard or impossible as it may seem right now. You will survive this; however, the experience may change you.

Coping with the loss of a child - together

There is nothing more devastating in the world than the death of a child. It is difficult for families to imagine how to cope with such a loss. While parents never stop thinking about and missing their child, grief changes over time. According to parents, the acute and deep feelings of grief become less pronounced and more manageable over time. However, each person experiences grief differently. Grief does not follow a set schedule or pattern. Today you can feel progress, and tomorrow the simplest tasks seem impossible. Sometimes family members are surprised or even guilty to find that they have regained the ability to laugh at something. These feelings and reactions are natural.

Watch this video

Grief

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. This feeling is individual. Everyone experiences grief in their own way, with different strengths and for different times. There is no standard set of emotions that you should feel after losing a child. Common feelings and reactions include:

• shock
• sadness
• fear
• anger
• guilt
• sadness
• feeling of loneliness
• anxiety and constant agitation
• unwillingness to contact others
• constant thoughts and memories of the child
• dreams of spending a little more time with the child and longing for missed moments
• trouble falling asleep and insomnia
• excessive sleepiness
• changes in appetite
• loss of interest in entertainment
• trouble concentrating

Everyone can experience grief, but everyone experiences it in their own way. Even in the same family, spouses can have completely different reactions. Children and teens also experience grief in their own way, with different emotions and behaviors ranging from tears and sadness to disobedience and guilt. All these feelings are normal.

Watch this video

When to seek help

Counseling professionals—psychologists, counselors, and social workers—can be a source of support during bereavement. If a person asks for help, this does not mean that he somehow experiences his grief incorrectly. For some families, a mental health professional simply provides additional support. Parents and siblings of a departed child are often afraid that their friends and relatives will get tired of hearing about their grief. With a consultant, you can calmly share your experiences. A mental health professional creates a safe environment in which to talk about feelings and helps parents and siblings cope with grief.

In some cases, family members may present with symptoms of mental disorders such as anxiety, depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Specific thoughts and feelings to discuss with a mental health professional:

• thoughts about reuniting with the child
• thoughts of hurting yourself or someone else
• sense of worthlessness
• slow movement
• auditory and visual hallucinations
• severe anxiety or anxiety
• sleep problems, nightmares
• difficulty doing daily activities
• refusal to believe in the death of a child
• avoiding baby reminders
• indignation

• loss of meaning and purpose in life after the death of a child
• sense of detachment
• sudden frightening memories that make you feel like you are reliving them

If you have thoughts of harming yourself or others, seek help immediately.

• Call the emergency number (112 in Russia, 911 in the US) and report such thoughts.
• Call the number of the Unified Helpline 8-800-2000-122 or the Emergencies Ministry's emergency psychological help line 8(495)989-50-50.
• Go to the nearest emergency room.

Grief is a natural reaction to the loss of a loved one. This feeling is individual. Everyone experiences grief in their own way, with different strengths and for different times.

-
Modified June 2018

I lost a child: personal stories and advice from a psychologist

“The loss of a child is one of the biggest losses in a person's life, since children are psychologically ready for the loss of their parents, since they are older than them. But parents are most often not ready for the loss of their children, because they are much younger, and they still have, as they say, to live and live. This “unexpected” loss is considered an aggravating story,” says psychologist Anastasia Steblyanko.

Last year, the infant mortality rate in Kazakhstan was 7.79 per 1,000 births. That is, in 11 months of 2020, three thousand babies under the age of one year died. The under-five mortality rate in 2019 was 10. 69 per 1,000 births. In the same year, Kazakhstan took second place in the rating of the EAEU countries in terms of the mortality rate of children under five years old - about four thousand deaths were registered in the country. At the same time, about half of the cases, namely 51.2%, account for mortality due to problems in the perinatal period.

Galia Bekkuzhieva, 34 years old

I gave birth at an early stage - the baby was seven months old. The pregnancy was difficult, because literally from the first days I had a terrible toxicosis. I didn’t eat or drink anything, I saved myself only with mineral water with lemon and ice cream, sometimes I ate kiwi and a green apple. It was my entire diet. I went to the appointed gynecologist in the clinic. To all my questions that I asked about health reasons, toxicosis, severe weight loss, she told me: “I don’t know, I wasn’t pregnant.” My term fell on July-August, and in May I was prescribed outpatient treatment with a number of injections. At this point, my kidneys failed.

After that, I developed extensive swelling of my legs, and at the beginning of June I was urgently admitted to the hospital. I was there for two weeks in intensive care. Doctors hoped to lower the pressure, but, unfortunately, it did not work. Therefore, I gave birth two months earlier with preeclampsia, and my kidneys partially failed. My child lived in intensive care for 21 days and died from elevated bilirubin - in other words, jaundice. The doctors told me that I lost the child because of the peculiarities of my health, which does not allow me to bear the child.

My husband and I wanted to sue, but because we were young, we did not do it for ethical reasons. They just asked us not to sue, and we obeyed. After the loss of a child, I did not turn to a psychologist: my husband and I left to work. We worked in difficult conditions - on a rotational basis, without days off, and only this saved us from depression.

After some time I was asked for help for one family, and I began to help people and children in need of surgery and rehabilitation. Over the past 11 years, I could not get pregnant, and now I find myself thinking that it was so necessary for me to understand the pain of mothers myself, carry it through me and thereby begin to help people.

I would not wish to bury children to anyone, even my enemy. It is very difficult mentally, physically, it is difficult to get out of this state.

I advise people not to plunge headlong into the pool, to concentrate their attention on other children, if they are, or at work. Now people are more likely to turn to psychologists, but 11 years ago this was not the case. If you can turn to a psychologist - do it. But on my own I can say that the biggest support is your friends.

Indeed, Galiya's words echo what Anastasia says: “The first thing to do is not to experience grief alone. Be sure to find people who support the environment, which will be nearby. Here, not only psychological factors play a huge role, but also physiological ones, to the point that people experiencing grief refuse to eat, stop feeling their need for water and food. Therefore, it is important that close people support verbally, as well as provide for the vital needs of a person who has lost a child.

Unfortunately, in Kazakhstan it is not uncommon to lose a child at an early stage. So, over the ten months of 2019, more than 300 thousand pregnant women were registered, of which more than 43 thousand were unable to bear the child to the end. In 2018, more than 51 thousand miscarriages were registered in Kazakhstan.

N, 36 years old

Five years ago, I found myself in a funnel of very difficult events for me. That year, everything somehow came crashing down at once, and the most woeful thing turned out to be at the epicenter - I had a miscarriage. I lost a child, very tiny, not even formed yet. There were still no arms, no legs, no sweet face - nothing, but I still loved him very much and waited.

Now, thinking back to that time, I understand that everything then turned out against this small life. After the operation, my husband is on almost two months of bed rest, he is in his thoughts and feelings, and I, tired, twitchy, with a one-year-old baby in my arms.

At first I did not even understand anything and continued to live in my usual mode, carrying heavy bags from the store or a child with a sled at the ready for a walk. And then came the pain, and with it the terrible truth.

How to escape from this pain? But no way. Even after years it will not become smaller, it will just be a little duller. You just need to accept it and live with it, as old veterans live their whole lives with German bullets in their bodies. In such a situation, the support of relatives and friends is especially important for us. Never leave women alone with this pain, even the strongest, even the most successful. This is a terrible loss, pain, a gaping wound, which, alas, does not heal, because we are talking about the most dear to us, the most desirable.

What is the hardest thing for a woman at this time? A killing feeling of guilt... The consciousness that corrodes the brain that "if only ...". Here is the hardest one. And some kind of emptiness, in the brain, in the soul. I was lucky, the Almighty had already given me a child, and taking care of him distracted my maternal heart.

In the case of N, the birth of another child had a healing character, but it also happens that parents perceive the second child as a replacement for the departed one.

“A vivid example from my practice is that parents named their child by the same name because he was born the same sex as the one they lost. And they treated the one who was born, as they treated the one who was gone. It is clear that the parents tried to drown out their pain, but by such actions they psychologically traumatized their child. I worked with him when he was already eight years old, and I had to refer him to a child psychiatrist because he had a split personality. On the one hand, he perceived himself as a full-fledged personality, and on the other hand, he did not accept very much in himself. I do not blame the parents in any way, but I do not justify either. Unfortunately, such actions are quite common among parents who have lost a child, and we need to talk about this, ”says Anastasia.

How to cope with the death of a child?

Anastasia Steblyanko:

It is considered normal to experience the grief of loss from six months to a year - during this period it is natural to experience pain, cry, fall into certain apathetic states. Previously, it is almost impossible to complete mourning and is not necessary in order for a person to adequately go through each stage. And therefore, one of the recommendations for loved ones who are close to a person who has lost a child is to evaluate how long the parent has been with this pain. And if the term is more than a year, then, of course, the help of a psychologist is already needed.

In psychology, there are five stages of experiencing the grief of loss. Depending on the stage at which a person is, recommendations can be formulated. It is important to know them both for the bereaved and for those around him. Knowing certain stages helps to understand that this pain will not last forever - it has a beginning and an end. If you do not interrupt the flow of this pain, trust it and behave accordingly, you can help yourself and your loved one who is experiencing a loss.

The first stage is shock. When a person learns terrible news for him, he begins to think: this is not happening to me, there was a mistake, this cannot be. And it happens that parents do not believe their own eyes and ears. This stage is considered the shortest and can last up to a month.

The second stage is aggression. A person begins to show aggression towards others, himself (this is less common), and even the deceased. And most often such phrases sound: you left this life because you didn’t care about yourself, why did you leave me, it hurts me now because of you. In terms of timing, it’s more difficult to say exactly - usually the stage of aggression lasts from two weeks. But, as a rule, within two months it is completed.

The third stage is bargaining. If we talk about the emotions and feelings that a person experiences, this is either guilt directed at herself (she didn’t keep track, she wasn’t attentive enough) and her “sister” is an insult to the departed (because of you I suffer, because of you my life has changed ). But these are, I would say, “light” versions, because most often resentment and guilt are very deep feelings, and they can be expressed in different ways. If a person has lost an adult child, then resentment and accusations can be more complex. It is in the stage of guilt and resentment that people most often get stuck, and people come to me for help while they are in this stage. Normally, it can last up to four months.

The fourth stage is depression. And here, depending on the experience, depression can be expressed in certain symptoms - apathy, unwillingness to do something, reduced mood, lack of strength and energy. On the other hand, it can turn into clinical depression when it is necessary to connect antidepressants and medications in order to support the human body. Since this is the penultimate stage, and seven to nine months have passed on the way to it, often the body and neurotransmitters are depleted - a failure at the physical level can occur. Most often, symptomatic depression does not turn into clinical depression, but it is in parents who have lost a child that I meet classic clinical depression when psychiatric help is needed. And when clients come to me with such symptoms, I refer them to a doctor to prescribe medication. And if a psychiatrist prescribes further psychotherapy, people come back to me, I diagnose and take them into therapy so that they can get out of a state of grief and loss.

By the way, it is at the stage of symptomatic depression that it is recommended to start performing ritual actions. I’ll explain right away: by ritual actions, I don’t mean magic, because often, experiencing a loss, people begin to turn to psychics. Of course, I don’t support this, because psychics are not the kind of people who can adequately help a person survive grief. When I talk about ritual actions, I mean certain actions related to letting go. This may be the installation of a monument, the removal of commemorative films. And it is not for nothing that in the cultures of many peoples there are ritual feasts, meetings, and it is the year after death that is one of such important meetings.

The fifth stage is acceptance. The pain remains with the person, but it is no longer so acute when, in addition to negative experiences, bright memories appear and they do not bring painful sensations, but, on the contrary, remind of love. Normally, this stage can last from three weeks or longer. Since this is a post-depressive stage, there is an increase in energy, enthusiasm, goals appear that may be associated with the departed child. And most often, these actions help end the mourning.

There is no hard distinction between these stages to determine exactly what stage a person is currently in. They flow from one to the other very smoothly. For example, in the stage of depression, which is considered the penultimate stage, a lot of aggression can often reappear, and if the depression is clinical, elements of disbelief, as in the first stage of shock. Therefore, these stages are distinguished on the basis of what feeling is now leading, and psychologists use them to suggest at what stage a person is now.

Where to turn for help

Unfortunately, there are no social programs and funds in Kazakhstan that provide assistance to people who have lost a child.

• In Almaty, we found a support group "Mom Angela". At +7 777 688 6809 you can contact the head of the Bereginya Association of Perinatal Psychologists and Psychotherapists Natalia Postoeva. The group meets every Thursday at 19:00.
• The Russian Foundation "Light in Hands" helps parents who are faced with perinatal loss. You can go to the foundation's website and ask a question to the psychologist on duty.
• In the group "Moms of angels. To live again” VKontakte women not only share personal stories, but also help each other.
• Aliya Morozova supports people who have experienced perinatal loss on her website and on Instagram.
• Facebook has a closed group "Ilyusha's Puzzle" - this is a support group for parents whose child has died or was born with a serious illness, as well as those who have gone through a miscarriage and abortion.
• The Vera Hospice Assistance Fund, among many areas, also helps parents who have lost children after a long and serious illness.

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